anxiety
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Isn’t it strange
how we feel feelings
in our bodies?
Like,
when I’m wracked with sobs
I feel it creeping into my lungs
I've been scared go to outside
Afraid to socialize
What they show to the world, I know I'd rather hide
It's hard to decide the people to confide
There's this weird internal conflict and it won't let me sleep. This stupid fucking battle pecking in my brain and it's exhausting. It'd be much easier to turn to you, whispering the secrets that plague me.
Yet I don't. And I can't.
Does anyone else ever just want to completely disapperar and cut everyone off and never talk to anyone ever again because you're finally at a point where things are good but you're scared it'll go away, so you'd rather be sad again because there's
It hurts, but I like that it does
I can focus on the lines of broken skin and the piercing of the pin
I can focus on the snap of the band and the bruising of red welts
I waltz around the corner,
Hoping, but dreading, for something,
someone, to lift me from this ground
as I reach the depths of the sun.
Everything seems so close yet so far,
Been a minute since I felt like Steve,
A longer minute, since I wrote like this.
Happy, is what I need,
Small, how I usually feel.
Been a minute since I felt like Steve,
A longer minute, since I wrote like this.
Happy, is what I need,
Small, how I usually feel.
I am swimming as hard as I can
I am way past the point of tired
no matter how hard I swim I am still drowning
I have no sense of hope left
Days and days pass by and nothing is changing
I’m trying my hardest to beat this, the pills ,
the exercises, the breathing. And nothing. still the same,
no drug can fix me
I never want to hurt you
I want to be like this forever
I hope I didn’t hurt you
Ooh I hope this doesn’t hurt you
—
College
Is always a prominent weight on my shoulders
Is a monster hiding under my bed waiting… waiting… waiting.
College
Is always a prominent weight on my shoulders
Is a monster hiding under my bed waiting… waiting… waiting.
College
Is always a prominent weight on my shoulders
Is a monster hiding under my bed waiting… waiting… waiting.
Running away from the fear of the shadow Running away from the face of death. Losing myself to the fate of the helpless Losing myself to this fate that I've met. Keeping my way on the path that I've set. Pausing only to make sure I didn't forget
Everyone says," Why he is like that?" What? Black or insane?
Then I tell them about my pain, my suffering, and they all say the same
Why would I be lying on my dead friends name? I was 8 when I first took drugs- I was in vain
No you're not.
No it didn't.
No you don't.
I can't handle that.
I can't deal with you right now.
You are ten years old.
I'm sure you're just exaggerating, she's not that mean.
She woke up at peace soon frantic to find something to occupy herself with.
The peace was too still and the noise was too quiet.
I feel Jagged lines on my arms.
My brain fills with the painful memory as I relive my worst pain.
I break down and cry.
I struggle of keep my will up.
A ghost
From so long ago
Submerged
It emerges
And echos from the past
Rise through your chest
Like a crisis
A chorus of sobs and heaving
All the way into and through
Your gut
I wanted to be a singer.
I wanted to be so many things
Things you used to tell me I could
Things you told me I would be
But I can’t
I never could
And all I can do right now is
I’m really proud of the person I’m becoming.
I’m constantly advocating for my rights!
Even in situations where I should just keep quiet…
My grades are really good right now!
Picking petals off English daisies
Never felt this lazy
Sitting beneath autumn-colored trees
The view is shady
Watching friends frolic, dogs crashing into piled leaves
My mind is hazy
I don't know why i'm like this
I never knew the cause.
I'm so cold and shaky
But now, at only 12, anxiety has swallowed me in its big jaws.
Start acting like you’re okay
This pain will never go away
Don’t let them really see
The monster that you’ve grown to be
The loud noisein my eyesin my mindRoaring and growling
The noise won’t stopIt haunts and tricks medriving me to the edgeof insanity.
Over and overWhat if?What if?What if?
The ideological echochambers created by our society
limit the human mind from gaining broader understandings of the world around it, of other humans.
Our society bases it's knowledge on the generalizations
Keats you sit on the opposite hill from me
reading your poems to sheep flocks and pastoral folk
While on my side of the hill, I am here writing
more than poems! My poems have a desire to stretch human laws
I'm just tired.
Not the kind that sleep can cure.
Tired of being let down.
Tired of faking happiness.
Tired of being sad.
Tired of waking up and feeling like I'm worthless.
Tired of trying.
I am a warriorShooting through the wallset up for meby my diseaseI will NOT give upI will NOT give infor I am a warrior.
Fear closing in
all around me
trapping me in a box
The world keeps spinning though
keeps on spinning
I can't stop
yet I can't keep up either.
Everything's wrong...
Three. Two. Maybe One weeks left.
What will happen next?
What will happen to my friends?
What will happen to the Friends that won’t be back in the fall?
i'm the stray cat you've let inside your house.
you never intended for me to say,
in fact,
you forget why i haven't been kicked out.
you don't know me,
i don't make myself easy to know.
dizzy
I'm dizzy
my head is too light
i lean against the wall to stabilize my wobbly legs
the wall starts warping
and the floor starts warping
and my brain starts warping
Tears stain the fake leather of my boots
the salt fringed watermarks where I left my heartstrings
There are so many marks I have left behind
In all the cities I have ever loved
And even some that I cannot remember
Some of us never really learn to fly
Some birds hop from the nest
Destined to taste earth
Destined for the fall
And some of us stay behind
Afraid to fall like the ones we lost
[TRIGGERING WARNING: SUBTLE IMPLICATION OF SUICIDAL IDEAS]
Unfitted for society,
What will I do?
I know nobody is fitted for this shit
But you cope with it, don't you?
Unprepared to earn a living,
Depression
I know you all too well
Sticking by my side like glue
Ever since I was out of the womb
Faking a smile for all to see
The monster underneath my bed
Sang me lullabies in the night
Which quickly turned to nightmares
And gave me quite a fright!
But as I got older
pressure is physical
reality is suffocating
pain becomes reality
mentally im breaking
i sleep thirteen hours
just numbing my brain
pick out a smile
entertain for a while
By Debi Lyn ~ completed 10/23/21 @ 10:30 pm
How is it people seem to take everything in stride
when everything for ME is a commotion inside?
Never to bed, early to rise
Adds to the rings beneath my eye
The gray and purple, these colors shine through
You'd call them your favorites if you had them too
No rest for the wicked's what I always said
I hate you.
It's taken me years but I finally said it.
I hate you.
I hate how you are able to make me feel about myself.
You make me pinch at my sides desperately praying that this tissue will go away.
nothing matters
watch as life goes on
shatter in shadow
until the rise of dawn
scream into the void
deaf to the broken
left destroyed
crisp air always feels so bitter
fall
Half empty glass been scattered on the floor
Please don't make it last, someone may hurt to the core
I have stood strong and careful not to fall
To live is to risk dying
To depart’s to risk losing your way
To laugh is to risk looking foolish
To wake is to risk a new day
To accept is to risk apathy
To attempt is to risk despair
You step onto your pedestal
The time has come
You’ve had enough
You don the rope
The pedestal disappears
Blood, Sweat, Tears
What's it worth if there’s nothing to come home to
What's it worth if there’s nothing to look forward to
The bells toll
I hear her coming
As embers in the night,
you set my heart on fire
intense and violent, wildly out of control
spreading intensely
i find myself lost in the thought, that is "you"
though maybe it was my own wishful thinking
I cry, but only by myself
Constantly I reminisce about us
Red was the setting sun, setting your silhouette ablaze
Your smile which shined brighter than any star
I keep wondering if you think about me still
I think I always knew I was a little bit messed up in the head,
See with me being so quiet and all as a child
They’d look me in the eye
I feel like water,
Always desperately flowing
down the path of least resistance
-
But where I find myself now
there is no path;
High stone walls on every side,
A solid, smooth basin
it creeps up on me
it thinks it is sneaky, but
I see it coming
It digs in its claws
i can't escape from its grip
and it pulls me down
in a bathroom stall
Imagine a life where your parents are forever lasting in love.When you never have to worry about the two people that gave you life will never separate.But my imagination cannot fathom that unrealistic life.
Almost everything about me makes me feel crazyMy depressionCrazyMe doing my hair once a monthCrazyLoving someone I talk to off and onCrazy.
I am never the one to call it quits
I am the one that quietly sits
There and takes the hits
Working hard to throw my hints
Pussy
is that how others see me
a coward
filled with anxiety and trepidation
too fearful to exist without
gentle coddling
mewling and cowering
They seem to fall gracefully at first, silent, warm rolling down my cheeks waiting to soak the creases of my neck. Emotions build, I become overwhelmed from all the overthinking. The tears brew faster, more rapid, heart beats increase.
Stay up all night
Can’t handle tomorrow
Rather dance in the dark until my legs are weak and my head is spinning
I’ll say I put up a fight
Shh
Listen to the sound of a quiet drown
You can feel the panic under the water
Don't save her, you can see that she wants it
Quiet
It marches in boldly,
Adulation no retraction.
No holds barred,
Wrong reaction.
It invades you forces you,
Sour taste makes you spit.
Turning your thoughts
into a thick soup of shit.
It starts out quiet.
Not a single sound.
Mind is content.
With nothing bad found.
Then your heartbeat increases
embarassment
standing awkwardly
unsure, hesitantly
cheeks aflame with a roaring fire
whispering children now conspire
do i speak or sink into to this silence
others laugh, smile, speak
it seems so easy to cry now
the tears coming from some ever replenishing source
and I am not startled any longer
when a hot stream flows down my cheeks
when blinking releases a torrent
I do my best to be vivacious
I smile even though my eyes face the ground
I mutter the colloquialisms so necessary
to be polite
innocous words devoid of meaning
tumbling out of my mouth
Why am I so jumpy
Why does everything worry me
A sudden noise
A sudden movement
I will jump
If you come up behind me
I will jump
I am always so jumpy around you
Sometimes I feel as if I am transparent, my vulnerabilities and fears tattooed across my body, worry and wonder worry and wonder until my mind runs into circles of doubt, never ending, the rhythm of my heart beats in tune with this, th
you say get over it but how
you say get out of your room how
you say think happy thoughts how
we need help
no one helps us
why
we are the broken ones
the ones no one wants
I cry
I sob
I wish I could stop
But I truly cannot
It makes me sad
Knowing that people don't care
It makes me sad
Knowing I can't trust anyone
It makes me sad
I told you all the things
I showed you my poems
You knew who some where about
You showed him
You broke my trust
I'm not sure what to do
You broke my trust
Who are you
You broke my trust
It doesn't matter
One of the biggest lies you could tell
Even if it does matter
I will never say that it does
Because to most people it doesn't
Nobody needs to clean up my mess
Overwhelmed by the voices
Overwhelmed by the sounds
Make it all still
Make it all silent
Silence the voices
Calm the sounds
Allow peace to take you
Like a river takes a boat
Silent as a mouse
Legs moving faster than a cheetah
Thoughts flow like a fountain
Pencils scratching
Voices speaking
I sit quiet
Not quite still
But never quite the same
Sitting in a silent classroom
No friends in sight
Legs bouncing rapidly
Lost in my thoughts
Test done to quickly
Everyone else still working
I'm almost like an oddity
To young for my class
Sitting silently
Walking quietly
Head hung low
Voice never above a whisper
Anxiety controls me
It controls my every move
No matter what I do
I keeps following me
Anxiety
Why did I say that
Why did I do that
What if I did it differently
What if it didn't happen at all
I can't stop overthinking
Every step I take
Every move I make
It's all a mistakes
Why did I say that
Why did I do that
What if I did it differently
What if it didn't happen at all
I can't stop overthinking
Every step I take
Every move I make
It's all a mistakes
Why did I say that
Why did I do that
What if I did it differently
What if it didn't happen at all
I can't stop overthinking
Every step I take
Every move I make
It's all a mistakes
A thousand words
Millions of letters
All of them add up to what I want to say
I want to tell you how I feel about you
I want to tell you that you are special to me
I would say all of this
When the anxiety overflows
When the tears start to fall
When the words start to fail
I see your face across the room
The anxiey recedes
The tears start to dry
The words return
Brain running a thousand miles a minute
Thoughts about you
Thoughts about friends
Thoughts of sadness
Thoughts of anxiety
You are the most thought of
You rule every other thought
Shake, shiver, tremble,
Watch me disassemble
Nauseus, forcing myself to eat
Tired and hyper, just want to sleep
Is this new? Just ADHD and OCD? Maybe anxiety
It's funny.
I find myself running,
unable to breathe.
The pain in my feet told me to keep on going,
Even though my turning stomach disagreed.
I felt like I swallowed the whole ocean
These feelings consume my bones, as a distant depression arose, those feelings of freedom and destiny are dethroned. I would not have been happy, but would I have meaning?
If my voice becomes silent I hope my written words will remain
To help others who struggle with the same pain
If my body is beneath a cement stone
I hope they can use it as a comfort zone
Insecurity
Wont leave my mind
Words appear
Like paragraphs on train tracks
Rushing by
Creating imagery
Of past memories
in biology class
we learned that everything in the body
is constantly in motion
because stagnation fosters disease
i went home
I ache. I cry. I weep like the flowers during a storm when they feel like they’re drowning. I feel like I lost something. A part of me. You stole my purity that I can never get back.
Peter Piper Picked a Pair of Pills to Pop
Just to see what they’d do to him
He Popped a cocktail stocked with
Adderall, Buspar, Benzos and Zoloft-
i know my story is to be told, but will i be the one to tell the tale, or will my shadow be the one to stand in the way?
sometimes i hurt so much,
physical pain from a mental enemy
sometimes i don't want to be alive,
tears trailing and flooding life
truth is,
once it's introduced itself
it never really leaves
The Misery Song
Lies hidden through crooked smiles,
There’s nothing in this world as vile.
Most Days by: RalB most days i felt worthlessi felt irreplaceablelost in what was & what could’ve trying not to be numbbut being is so superbunsure & uncertain most days i felt broken i felt helpless calling out into the darkness silent p
I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. Badly. I knew what was happening. But I couldn't stop it. I knew there were tears in my eyes even before one glided down my cheek.Then a rainstorm of tears came.
Imperiled
I stand upon the precipice
no way to move forward
a cliff behind
Urgently
I yelp for rescue
I strain to find a way
Up, Down, Sideways
Part 1 of a 6 part poem written to my mom using different
body parts as a guide to weave each poem together.
This one depicts her eyes & mouth.
A deep dive into the ocean
(INTRODUCTION) (Skip below to read a description of my mom to help understand
the poems.)
The next 6 poems I write are about my mom. My mom passed away when
Freezing in the open air
Feelings getting old
People seem to never care
Emotions getting cold
Running in to the fray
Taking flak from emotional spray
Dodging the depressing bullets
It comes and goes...I’m finding it’s different every time.Sometimes it’s short and simple,Easy to reverse.Sometimes it’s overbearing and weightful,Suffocating and hateful.Most times I feel it creeping in again…But the times that I don’t…”Oh!
What happened to me?
Once excitement, now fear
what happened to me?
I burned with desire, now I burn in shame;
what happened to me?
Fear
fear
fear
fear
The pain and the fear are ghosts,
spectres,
a fabrication of reality.
In a moment they will appear and then vanish and I will be left wondering why I followed them into the dark.
The pain and the fear are ghosts,
spectres,
a fabrication of reality.
In a moment they will appear and then vanish and I will be left wondering why I followed them into the dark.
My world is becoming cold like a tomb
All my dreams are turning to be just illusions
My faith on life is slowly draining
I'm now lying between rock and a hard place
Searching for light from the darkest caves
I keep on thinking and reminding myself
that I'm worthy,
I have a purpose,
I am strong
and I am loved
Every time they throw words on me
It keeps on stinging and breaking my heart
A ghost came back into my life the other day.
Granted I wasn’t trying to keep it away.
But I call it a ghost because it’s dead to me.
Shall I speak to you my secrets
in hushed and airy tones
near the warmly-lit fire?
Sweet taste of nectar and honey
you praise me and forget yourself.
How this narrative reminds me of one such time
FINE LINES!
Fine lines
fine lines
Between a life of blame and crime
The eclipsed dystopia along the spiteful light of the heart.
Amy please let go of my heart
My lounges need room to expand
And i find it hard to breath
When you press my chest like that.
Amy i know your easily scared
It was a cold and frosty day,
When I began to drift away.
Like the snowman melts in the glare,
I wanted to fade and lose every care.
I slowly put my head below,
I felt the water swirl and flow.
Section I
I am much too forward with my words
I interrupt people while they talk
With completely unrelated pieces
my body trembles as thoughts
race thoughout my head.
suddenly my mind freezes,
empty, like a child's soul left alone
on a windy night. my vision
suddenly begins to fade
I am three and I am shakingSqueezing my eyes shut to the dust and the sun and the cold tile andI am in the cornerBreathing heavyI want it to stop
They tell me not to worry,
They said. Oh! You’ll be fine.
They tell me it's just hormones,
But they don't feel me cross the line.
They don't hear my crazy thinking,
They don't see my sleepless nights.
please don't let anything bad happen tonight.
please don't let anything bad happen tonight.
please don't let anything bad happen tonight.
sometimes
i feel like nothing
sometimes
i feel like everything
sometimes
i am the sun
sometimes
i am the moon
sometimes
the world is too much for me
every time I want nothing more than to
disappear
I think,
"it's been a while since I've wanted to die this badly."
and it's true.
some days
are far worse than others, but
some days
It won't feel like this forever
Everyone keeps saying that
That used to be the depression tagline
But now it applies to the entire world
It's the truth
but what about right now?
I feel dead inside
When will the crippling fear end?
Am I a lost cause?
Could I have changed the course?
I could have told them
I let them believe the lie
If only they knew
Days are long and quiet,
I am neither here nor there,
And no matter where I'm hiding,
I'm pinned beneath his stare.
He watches when I'm sleeping,
Perfectly aware
That when I wake up screaming
Picture (Im)perfect
Mind blurred like a camera lens
With no clarity left to picture
Tried to wipe away all the painful memories
Yes, no, and maybe,
so many options.
Good or bad,
which is truly right?
Heart or head,
which should I follow?
Light or dark,
i don't know what to do,
i feel that moving
one way or the other
will cause a
chain-of-events-i-can't-control-please-make-it-stop
so i don't move,
so i'm stuck.
I'm going to start this out like I start everything else I write you
Even though I doubt that you'd ever see this
I swear to God that I'm not mad at all
There is no hate in my heart toward you or anyone
My cereal bowl holds stale lucky charms and
Milk white atrocities
Bathing away the cobwebs
Of spiders better left alone
2:30AM: I say to you, I cannot bare to continue feeling this unloved, this unworthy of love. You said to me, “remember we are strong” as if it was something I could forget, but I had.
I caved and seen a counselor today. I impatiently waited in the office, picking at my skin, filling out monotonous paperwork, checking the yeses and the noes, and more anxious waiting.
Sometimes you just need to stand in the rain,
Let the moon beams shine on your skin like starlight
Feel the water drip down the brim of your nose onto your lips
Breathe in the night air and petrichor
My dear, do not tell me I deserve better than your love. That your heart does not shine bright enough to reflect mine. For my heart only shines this brightly because it had to been burned.
I don’t want to die today
Not today
Today I woke up on time
to make it to class
Today I baked a cake
Licked the icing off my finger tips
i thought i would feel peace
but all i feel is chaos
slipping deeper into the black
falling from anyone’s grasp
as the seconds continue to pass
i thought they would come and go
but dark thoughts have come to stay
the light has become dimmer
and the faint glow continues to be overpowered
were those promises ever true
i am no longer sure
this emptiness has remained in me for too long
your words do not bring me comfort anymore
sometimes i don’t really know if there’s anyone there
downcast, empty, broken
i wait for someone
someone who may or may not come for me
alone i wait
Fear twists itself
around me:
legs wrapped over
my waist and its arms
restraining mine
We stumble to the precipice
teetering towards
the empty expanse
of the Dreamscape
A pretty girl in the brightest of dresses,
She smiles bright and laughs loudly,
she hides in fright and cries quietly.
she met him first here, and he made her smile.
A pretty girl in the brightest of dresses,
She smiles bright and laughs loudly,
she hides in fright and cries quietly.
she met him first here, and he made her smile.
How beautiful you are
So deep in your despair
Lying, sleeping on the couch
The curls in your dark hair
How soft your face appears
When you're lost within your dreams
We all look our grandparents and think we'll live forever, that we're invincible. Like we've got time to worry about small things that mean nothing at the end of the day. The things we think are big are actually tiny if you think about it.
My scars run deeper than my irrevocable love
For he who cuts me deepest just to see if I still bleed
His thirst strengthens as he watches the life drip from me
Insatiable, he whittles away til he reaches my bones
I slept to getaway.
I slept to hide from my responsibilities,
Now I stay awake to get away from my dreams.
Now I stay awake to hide from my thoughts.
I released you, my beautiful and passionate
anxiety. I release you. You were my beloved
and hated twin, but now, I don’t know you
as separate from myself. I release you with all the
As I open my left eye
I see a dark sky representing
All the friends and opportunities I have lost
All because of a dark cloud hovering over my mind,
As I open my right eye,
I see a bright blue sky,
Prison, Nursing Homes, Buses,
All have one thing in common
Jail, Streets, Graves,
But let’s not talk about it
Sunshine, Rainbows, Happiness,
Are much better things to think of
Here I walk, alone,
Down a cobblestone road.
Here I walk, alone,
Left with my hollow thoughts.
Here I walk, alone,
Wondering what to do.
I can't go back home,
Not after what happened.
i descend in my seat, waiting for the lesson to begin
looking around, all I see is desert
a desert so dry and empty yet so full of people i may never see again
Her mouth resembles that of cotton, and not the overly-sweet candy kind.
Hearing “don’t frown, you’ll get wrinkles” only makes her eyebrows furrow even deeper; her frustration as visible as ever.
I was told to tie my laces,
And keep my glasses on.
That I needed to stay their paces,
Or end up mowing lawns.
"Be the best now so you'll be the best then!"
Always seemed to be my anthem.
There are rythms that echo through
my rib cage, each bone curving as your
a note gets cut off.
It is hard to hear, when
other heartbeats play loudly like a siren
Its okay to love another, but
I see the grin, a gift to me.
It quiets my inner demons.
Shattering battle of light and dark.
The simple gift is all I need to take another breath.
Who will I be
when the world claims me as its own,
Anxiety of future life fills the void I fail to feel,
Where did that voice go?You remember it, right?
The one that muttered
Sharp, syrupy, perforating words
After each compliment
And about everyone else
You broke me , with no remorse
Broken pieces , lonely people , sharing the same empty place - with a scenery so memorable it’s painted a home in my heart.
this body
a gift from god
i cut it open
through the ribbons
through the paper
through the tape
one for the boy
i fell into you-
i wasn’t quite ready
but we were smoking cigarettes
Under the stars
behind my car
and your smile said,
burnt bridges led my way
they led the way to you
i could see their fire in your eyes
you came from another path
of ashes and pain
we came together
i take off my shirt,
turn my back to the mirror
and look at all of the scars-
taking a knife to my back
seems to be everyone’s favorite hobby,
depression,
this intangible idea
that we desperately wish
was something we could grasp
this ailment isn’t tangible
i am sorry i let you
stain your hands
in my dark places
i am sorry i watched you
ignore the orange signs
“danger ahead”
A leech on my brain
you bellow in the background
and call out my name
You're the harbinger of tears
the continuous cycle of
unsolicited fears
Sometimes the soulRises up. Dances in the sky. SometimesIt liesDefeated on the ground. •Somtimes theWind gently blowsThrough the fieldsOf corn. Sometimes it turnsTo cold and wet Leaving all the earthCompletely shorn. •Sometimes the nightIs stil
Depression.
I'm trapped, I can't get out of bed, I don't have any motivation.
Why am I like this?
I never chose this, I just want to feel happy.
"Don't forget to take your meds" they all say.
Tick tock
Biological clock
So selfish of you to take so much time to decide
To say it is over
Don't you know there are deadlines
I must keep?
My plans have fallen apart
Sometimes I find comfort in bathrooms
They're places of solitude and 3 a.m. thoughts
Where I sometimes finally remember what I forgot I forgot
Sometimes I go to the bathroom because I feel alone when I don't want to be
You talk to me like I have never before felt pain.
As I am writing this, I just want to cut my wrists and feel the sting.
But I won't.
I am healthy now.
Break the Silence, end the violence. Let me out, I want to scream and shout. Metal so fine and thin, watch it glide across my skin. Reach out? Every time I speak, I shout! But you don't hear me, though. Maybe it's time for the final blow.
The laugh, the voice
My mind can't place it
So familiar, yet so far away
Two strangers lie intertwined
Bodies bare and warm
Like a small pool of summer amidst the winter storm
Carefree and open...
mama, your little girl isn't doing too well,lately, she's been going through hell,trying to please you, and everybody else,it seems in all of that she forgot about herself.you don't seem to notice,
Dear Father,
You were there for my birth
At least I think you were
But that’s about it
You saw me growing up
But I would rarely see you
In
Out
My breath like the wind
Ever-changing
As people live
Observing, obsessing
Regretting
Who cares
About the notion
Of success
Money, power, looks
I am made of memories
A collection of recollections bundled up inside a ball of anxiety and fear
Someone who wants nothing more than to forget what's wrong with them
So much so that the light that escapes cannot be caught
My head likes to raise scary possibilities and questions,
Elaborate thoughts and vague suggestions.
Needs no cause, no prompting or reason,
They speed up so fast that there's no chance to ease them.
Its hard when your biggest enemy is your own reflection
Its hard when you hate yourself for craving protection
For someone to relieve you of the constant low
Someone to remove the fear of rejection
I find when my head is filled with impenetrable dread,
And clouds of grey and deep blues hover above my head,
That what floats within my mind’s eye and what is seen ahead,
I find when my head is filled with impenetrable dread,
And clouds of grey and deep blues hover above my head,
That what floats within my mind’s eye and what is seen ahead,
As I open my eyes to start my day
A dark cloud filters me and the words I say
This spirit originates from my unholy brain
It resides within me and has no real name
It makes me sad and or afraid
To my yet to see friend
Have been eager to see you
What will i do
When I get to see you
Will I run to your arms
Or
Stand till you reach me
Will I scream out of excitement
Or
I'm tired of thinking,
In test dates,
And terms papers.
When all I really want,
Is to use my imagination.
The stars call my name,
But I'm busy getting A's
Show some respect to what you have
taking everything as granted
never productive but destructive
you got everything you wanted.
Reality hits,
Sadness bites
and it really hurts
then it dies
No one can rely
and just can't play
It can all be a reply
then somebody must repay
I’m hiding under the kitchen sink
Thinking ‘bout how things used to be
Feeling depressed ‘cause I’m wondering
If someone could love a monster like me
Don’t mind me
I’m hiding under the kitchen sink
I stand once again with my lungs filled with air
but my body, so weak I am no longer able to release it
Breathe.
The tears begin to roll down my cheek
and my mind spins like a carousel
Breathe.
(A response to Sandra Cisneros' Heritage poem)
You bring out the perfectionist in me.
The anxiety in me.
The depression in me.
Traumatized
Shaking, Crying
not leaving home
because the nightmares keep following you
Keys in your fist
Pepper Spray in the other
Sometimes I get overwhelmed.Sometimes I need space.I hope that’s okay.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed...It feels like I’m drowning and I can’t get out.
Feelings, people, emotions, and clout.
I fell hard
I fell long
It seemed so never ending
It was so tiring and mind bending
A struggle like no other can understand
Sweet treachery on a night of drought,
And no, I did not see the billow coming.
I held no thirst or thoughts about
The sounds of soft waves drumming.
Buck teeth and bright eyes
I was eight years old,
I spent my days out on the playground
all alone in the cold
right by the fence where I would watch traffic behind the monkey bars
All of the thoughts in my head act as fog,
clarity becoming unknown to me.
Anxiety grasps its slimy fingers around my neck
whispering (lies) to me.
I'm hopeless. Helpless. Alone.
Sometimes I feel as if someone is stabbing a piece of splintered wood through me.
Right through my vision
I see the wood chips cutting into my bones and everything.
It is just me and my thoughts...
There are things that mentally ill is, and there are things it most definitely is not.
Something it’s not is when middle school boys post bart simpson edits to songs by X.
When you tell me I’m just overthinking—
Or I need to stop worrying
You aren’t looking closely enough
Looking for distractions
Hiding in my absence
Tired of my actions
Feeling my inactions
Scared of my emotions
Sinking in commotion
Looking for distractions
"You can't do this." The voices tell me.
Everyday it is the same words towards me every minuet and every hour.
There are times where I think that I can't breath any more.
There are times where my body wont stop shaking.
"You will never make it." The voices tell me.
Everyday it is the same words towards me every minuet and every hour.
There are times where I think that I can't breath any more.
Tell me who are you in the dark? Are you the devil or the little spark
Tell me who are you when I'm alone? Are you the light or the huge storm
Tell me why my grip on my purpose always slips. Sometimes it gets too much and I don't know how to handle it.
Trapped in the night
Can't see a sight
Far away from light
Strings around so tight
Every wrong not right
The fire ashes bite
Bruising it with a knife
healing it with a cut
Brushing it with a sigh
breaking it with silence
Silence I hear it
so deep it could stop it
I'm scared of letting go
I'm scared to be free
What if it's not like
like what I've dreamed
Pathetic naive
that's not the least
Come on get out
get out of me
I'm a prisoner in my own body
sweating every time you remind me
Anxiety
It held me hostage at my own party
took my hand just to throw it back at me
Anxiety
the mingled stench of green seaweed and salty waves
cascades the nostrils of the adolescent girl.
When you live your life with a mental illness
You overthink and love with your whole heart
Sadly nothing can kill it
Because it became a part
Sit me down on a couch covered in plush cushions
Ask me my name
Ask me my age
Ask me why im here
no matter where I go
a part of me always feels so alone
Something always tells me
don't get too comfortable
then they will see
they will see the shame
the guilt of fame
dancing around until laughter broke
made me your reason to smile
because I am a joke
call me a friend
but I think of myself as a jester
providing happy distractions without end
Dear me,
you are more than a score,
more than every embarrassing moment
that breaks you to your core.
you are more than glances,
more than what anxiety tells you
I will speak my mind
with the courage I can't find
my words and needs left behind
do my best to keep you blind
leave you thinking I'm kind
but really I can't speak my mind
in the morning Anxiety accompanies me
as my shadow in the day
yelling at me all my insecurities
but it's okay
in the night Depression welcomes me
in my bed as I lay
My anxiety comes
with its own background music;
DUN DUN DUN.
It marks itself present
with bitten nails and
peeled skin around it.
And that's when my
nightmares begin.
“Who goes there?“
Said I into the black.
No reply, except the echo back,
Except the echo that,
Bounced through the walls
Of the cluttered hall,
Giving way to pause, as my heart stalls.
The mourning sun: Helios
I bloom—vivid and bold.
Set in your sky,
I burn gold.
From my light—
A sacred gift—
You asked me if i was okay
And I said “im fine.”
I gave you a smile but the minute you turned around
I closed my eyes.
You might ask me why I did this,
I suddenly have difficulty breathing as my throat begins to close,
Everyone around me is looking at me, but no one here fully knows.
That being in an unconventional environment is a trigger for me,
In a snap, the mind can have an intense internal battle
The one you could see if only you looked hard enough
You stand by as others aim to push and rattle
Press you down
And run you along.
Your pointed sharp end,
Draws a line on my skin.
Dull pain leaves,
Revealing only a faint,
Raised pink line.
Not enough,
Not what I wanted.
That beautiful girl
Under the blossom tree
Reading her books
She never acknowledged me.
And in my mind
I knew she never would
And even though I wanted to,
I knew I never could.
Goddess of the war
The war storming in her head,
she of strong will and knowledge
Walking the halls striding closer, Ever closer
I got a messed up brain, messed up thoughts,
people say I'm fine, but I guess not.
My vision gradually gets darker,
and my heart feels like it just got shot.
I can feel my skin fall apart,
My train is always speeding; thundering down the track at full speed.
It heads nowhere in particular.
Whenever it stops to unload a thousand passengers, a thousand more board.
Most are unwelcome.
The little people in my head never go away.
There’s anxiety,
Finding the negative in the outside world.
Fooled you, fooled you
Maybe even you
Congrats if not you
Lair, liar
My mouth was on fire
Telling puzzles no one could ever
How are you?
How you been?
But tell me
Do you really care?
All these feelings boiling up to the surface
So, all I say is: I've been better.
What a child
He knows how to play
He speaks in silence
Holds his tongue
His eyes read worlds of wonder
He's feeling the pressure to
i still don't consider myself a poet
no matter how many words that fall from the sky that aid me in meshing the feelings i feel
can protect me from the world
opinions will still eat away at my mind
Dedicated to all victims of bullying, which include girls & boys of all ages, sizes, and backgrounds. (That includes me too.) "You can beat a bully without using your fists!"
I'm sorry for inviting myself I just wanted to spend more time with you
And if I'm in your way I'll stand in the corner and wait for you
Now I'm sorry to be a bother but do you think I can have some water
Image credit: This image was created with the assistance of DALL·E 3..An emperor spoke in poetic verseWhich lead to fame for him at firstBut after some time, it became a curseFor the emperor had no prose.
A spirit light, a heart unbound
A place to stand, safe from thunderclouds
A mind at rest, a heart at peace
Where home is warm, and meant to be
A harbor strong amidst the rain
My pulse is faint.
My mind is spinning.
My skeleton is shaking.
My muscles are weakening.
I can feel my breath being restricted
From my rib cage tightening its grasp around my lungs
-spend every moment doing meaningless things just to make time pass by faster.
-take a hot bath as to finally feel something warm.
What is it like to battle your mind?
It’s like looking into a mirror
But the reflection
That looks back at you
Talks back
Spitting back words like acid
he and i
laying on a soft quilt
the cloud cover making the room dimly lit,
but even then i can make out the details in his face;
like the freckles sprinkled acrossed his right cheek,
Voices swirl around my head
The need to escape suffocates me
Trying to take air in but feel instead my lungs collapsing
I need to move
I am crawling and falling and calling
I need you to hear me, come near me, don’t fear me
while you flee, watch me bleed, please don’t leave
cause I’m flying and I’m crying, but I’m dying
I don’t speak, I feel
I don’t scream, I feel
I don’t whisper, I feel
I stutter, but I still feel--
This suffocating weight with its hand around my throat
When did my tongue become too heavy to form words?
My mind is a battlefield
It has trouble distinguishing danger from safety
It makes rain on a tin roof sound like gun fire
Makes fireworks on the Fourth of July into an air raid
exhale
its over
stress is out the door
the floor is freedom
i walk proudly to the next chapter in life
almost as if peace had a scent
i’m attached
my time has come
i would brighten the sun to keep you warm,
but you just put on a jacket.
i would wipe your tears to make sure you can see,
but you use your sleeve.
i would search for you in a crowded room,
Living with anxiety is like living in an invisible box. It has 7 walls, one for every day of the week and a glass ceiling to remind you that you’ll never escape. The box’s name is fear.
Do you remember that time at that place with those people? How could I forget? Omg that was the best! I totally miss it! Remember that time that you were crying in the bathroom and I pretended I didn’t hear you? Oh yeah!
The only thing that makes me happy is being with someone
anyone
my biggest fear is being alone
When I’m alone in my house is one thing
I felt a monster climb its way up my throat
Choking on tears, I watched my hands tremble
My breath shortened & I felt powerless
I dry gagged & finally heaved
"The monster won," I'd quote.
All I can taste is gasoline.
Fumes billow out as I breathe.
Strike a match.
Strike a match and watch me burn.
Maybe then they'll learn
What it's like to be me.
Always filled with deceit.
High functioning anxiety,
The name does not sound scary outloud,
It sounds manageable.
Like an airbag to fall back on at the end of a conversation that may never end,
all i feel are blue emotions
in my head everything's a commotion
where everything is in high speed motion
and i'm trapped in my being
every piece of me crippling
My first memories,
My first memories are of the sea.
My first memories of my own father
and his boat,
All on a tiny fishing boat
From the mouth of the Little Norway River.
the memories of you have burned a hole into my brain,
theyve singed my hair,
painted the walls ash-grey.
i asked if i could burn the sweatshirt
but it wasnt your face i was looking at,
Stillit sits there, bones and all, grounded in the monotonous planecolor unyieldingPoised to begin, possessing the knowledge of the end.
it started when i was little.
no one believes me,
but
i remember.
i remember
the first moment i wasn't able to breathe,
the first time i thought about death,
The harsh reality of life,
Hit me unexpectedly.
I wish I knew,
How hard anxiety was going to be
I wanted to give up.
I wanted to come up from the hell i’ve endured for these years --
have been the hardest i’ve ever seen why won’t you let me leave
Me alone
hey
howve you been?
it feels as if we havent talked in a while
what are you doing?
you seem busy
This hollow ache
I swallow the sword of fondness
I wait for it's closure to hit my stomach
It is unforgiving
It is tastless
It is mine alone
I can not pinpoint the moment when
I stopped being a kid
Maybe it was high school,
When i started,
Wide eyed and naiive,
i pull off my heavy-weight sweatshirt
i weigh myself
ranking up to nearly 100 pounds
im satisfied for now
It was a blue day
But you kept me warm
Though tears fell like raindrops,
There aren't many days anymore
“Hello old friend”
I say with a grin on my face
As I stare away blankly towards space.
It’s been a while since we first met.
“forget your perfect offering
just ring the bells that still can ring
there is a crack in everything
that’s how the light gets in”
-Leonard Cohen
Fear becomes the barrier that keeps me in
No smoke to see,
and no life of sin
My life is as hard as can be,
but my fear keeps me in
There’s something in the water
Just below the surface
Every time I look away it glimmers.
A gentle splash
Lapping of water on the hull of my leaky boat.
Her mind is filled with the screams of the damned
Roaring over the cracking
Tearing
Ripping
Of the sky
The pounding beat steady
Louder
Louder
Louder
Gutteral cries
Deep down
They won't stop
They won't quit
Dominating
Who knew a harsh whine
Could drive me over
Make the air vanish
Constrict my lungs
Leave me shaky
With tears in my eyes
welcome friend, it's dark down here.
for most, it's much too grim
the table's set with plates half empty
the cups spill o'er their rims
I'm sorry I closed off
Feet perched on top of a practical duffell, those few inches of distance
Between my feet and the carpet allow space for impractical wishes.
Wishes that I weren’t here, waiting.
Higher and higher I climb,
With death filtering through my mind.
I no longer have hope,
Only a really strong rope.
I tie it around my neck,
And give it a quick little check.
I am like a hand grenade. Come one step too close and I pull the tab. I don't trust anyone to keep me safe. I'd much rather be the one to destroy myself.
My outside appearance shows nothing of me.
I am not what you see,
for I am not even human.
I am a soul
trapped inside this body,
screaming for help.
I'm constantly being attacked
I'm obsessed,Obsessed with death.
I love to picture my own end. Will it be by my own hands?An enemy's? Will I be a hero? Or will I grow old?
I'm obsessed,
Cloth can’t cover enough,
Eventually all will be exposed.
You try to sneak by,
“Don’t let them see you cry.”
The blood has a calming effect,
there’s this girl i used to know.
her name flows blue inside of me-
she was so afraid to show,
who she once was in front of me-
A glow up for me was havin’ the realization
Depression was my setback, not my damnation
I don’t think I ever grew up, but I definitely glowed
And realized my sadness belonged in the commode
Weeping
Small watery beads fall
like tiny diamonds.
Glittering as the sunlight
sprouts from their surfaces
in prismatic tints.
When you’re four, you ask your mom why a dime is smaller than a nickel
One larger than the other, yet only the worth of five pennies
Your mom still buys you matching sets to wear to school
Parties aren't my thing.
There's something about big crowds
That makes me shut down.
I'm uncomfortable.
Sometimes I just want to crawl under a table.
Everyone's closing in.
I can't even think.
She’s like my first child you know
I carry her weight on my shoulders
But she’s not a kid anymore
Man she’s getting older
I don’t know how
How to cope
This weight inside me feels too much
My life laid out I thought I was fine
Adulthood daunting, calling, taunting.Empty applications haunting.Heartbeat thudding in my chest,Through one more standardized test.
A ball of anxiety, curled in my stomach.
That bad boy spreads into my heart and brain,
Causing quite a havoc.
Hello, anxiety.
It’s an
Anxiety
That doesn’t
Need to be diagnosed
But it’s felt
And it’s known
Like
Brown
She told me with a red face.
Our silent rage crackled around us like lightning in the rumble before the rain.
I heard her whisper- through her teeth,
in my head
something was not right
it took time to realize
but i finally changed my life around
in my head
pain and fear swirled about
it’s a thought(quiet, still)that moves you from calm to (fear)
it’s a motion(abrupt, small)that warns of (panic)
you’re staring thoughtfully at the (blank)page in front of you, pencil poised, hovering hesitantlyyour hand still as you consider
·
Waking up on Saturday mornings for the sole purpose of hearing Elmo squeak about something new on Sesame Street, has long been overruled by new responsibilities.
silent
wont talk
she just nods
scared to speak up
she wants to be heard
but knows nobodys ever truly listening
she tries to trust but shes struggling
Panic is a bathroom sink,
Grime-covered and overflowing,
Tearing the skin off my hands
With its vicious heat splashing,
Burning cold through spilled ink.
My anxiety is a subscription I never wanted
but it gets delivered to me anyway. It rings at my door
and persists that I answer even if I don’t want it.
Cant you hear it?there is musicfrom behind the walls.whimsical windits callingbegginglisten listen listen
I thought you were doing fine, I didn’t know what was wrong,
I thought you'd push through it, that you were invincibly strong,
As a friend I should have supported you, helped you along the way,
Would you just stop talking already?
Today, I learned that stress can kill your cells.
I had my suspicions.
Slinking in the shadows, stalking its prey
For a minute I thought it was going to be a good day
I smile on the outside, acting like everything is great
16, Afraid of what might happen.Like the crew of a ship whose captainHas never sailed beforeTo unfamiliar shore.
It was fleeting,
Never around.
I searched,
Lost, not to be found.
Map in hand,
Advice in mind.
I tried it all,
From the outside my childhood looks plain.
I did soccer and cheer,
doodled in class,
and whispered promises of forever to elemtary school friends.
No one wouldve noticed the pain I carried with me.
I could never come to terms with how
you viewed me.
You’re so pretty.
You’re so capable.
You have so much potential.
You said that to me the other day.
Once, you claimed a kind of love, unbeknownst to the receiverRememory*A mother’s desperate love; one in which she sacrifices allRememoryDo you truly love your children, or only what they are able to accomplish?
i. you said they came with rocks
so i built a fortress for emotion
brick by brick from bitter lies
about how you thought it was,
to love a woman.
I’m sitting here in the cold, damp rain
I can feel the tightness in my chest
My mental pain turned into physical pain
They say I just need to rest
A letter to humanity,
With every new opening eye, I cry
A new sigh, a new eye
Born into this world
Into the flames of splendor do we find ourselves to be
20/1/19--Brooklyn in The Rain
I'm 17 and a month old now, and it’s about 20 minutes past midnight.
Suffocating.
My chest tightening,
My mouth drying,
My hands shaking,
My heart in my ears - pounding,
But I am not even running.
To be a kid again, life was simpler then,
With carefree afternoons and evenings
That left you in bed content with
Pleasant dreams and memories.
Sometimes I wonder
If others think the way I do.
It’s different in my mind.
Harder to imagine people and lives.
Everyone seems so far away.
You’re poison to me.
Yet I keep you around.
You push me to the ground.
Then pull me back up.
No one else sees you.
Thump. Thump.
I stand in complete darkness
Thump. Thump.
Waiting for the curtains to creep open.
Thump. Thump.
Knees Shaking
Thump. Thump.
Heart pounding
Thump Thump
how can i stand up to my fears
when my fears are not something to stand up to?
how do i fight the unexplainable?
how do i face a fear of nothing?
as a part of the generation of overcomers ,
Anxiety.
It’s always been there,
Lurking in the depths.
Have I learned how to rid it?
Not yet.
But as a person who has beliefs of what there is above,
I have put my fears to faith
Fear.
She envelopes us like a cold day without a jacket.
Shivering like bare shoulders, chills climbing in the crooks of collapsing collarbones.
"I am afraid," the voice taunts, always behind us always there.
How hard is it to breathe?
When your mind is not at ease?
In a sense you think you're fine, try to hold it in inside.
You affirm yourself, "I got this".
But you're not the kind who's reckless.
Fear tells you to stand where you are.
Don't move.
What if I want to get somewhere?
Well you have to take a step out there.
I feel as though I am drowning in a sea of emotions I can not comprehend,
The tide of uncertainty washing me furthur from shore,
My life jacket cannot save me here,
I am floating and keeping watch for sharks,
There is race of little monsters,
Their numbers are countless,
And they live everywhere.
They cannot be seen.
They have no smell.
They have no discernable form.
This is more than fear.
Fear protects us,
Keeps us safe.
So what is this anxiety protecting me from?
Embarrassment?
Rejection?
Leadership?
Friends?
I stand with trembling hands
in front of a crowd of pseudo fans.
My mouth is dry—cracked from
holding the desert under my tongue.
I am afraid of being the jester in a table of Kings.
In daylight around my peers
My stature and character becomes sharp as if it were a spear.
But everyday has a night
This is where my anxiety begins creating this dirty little sprite.
They say the only thing to be afraid of is fear
itself, as if it’s some kind of
reassurance, a pat on the back
a little too hard, slamming all of the air out
of a pair of lungs too desperate for
Don’t know where this road goes
But I know we’re growing apart
Day by day
I fell asleep with two sheets below me
And I woke cold
Don’t stop rubbing that thumbtack on my arm
I walk into the dreaded room
and a familiar feeling overwhelms my senses
as I look around me
and observe all the smiling faces and joyous outbursts
the pit of worry in my stomach expands
She’s always been there lurking
In the darkest corners of my mind
I never thought of searching
For the voice that mimicked mine
They watch me
Like predators hunting prey
They approach me
In an intimidating way
They scare me
With the meaningless words that they say.
The future is a thing with wolf-teeth
waiting to swallow me whole.
I cling desperately onto each present moment,
Fearing a transparent man-made tool of vanity
A tool who hides nothing
This tool shows you who you truly are
Some may say that you are more than your reflection
Every little kid learns about butterflies,
With their fluttering wings and their monumental transformation
It’s 12:47 AM.
You’re asleep, all tucked in bed
your head resting against the pillows of feathers plucked from white geese.
Beowulf versus Grendel
A classic tale of battle, which continues in me.
My Grendel has terrorized me for years,
Sinking her claws deep into my soul
Every day I fight back – Becoming my own hero
Fear can cause rapid beating,
But to give up trying
And end up screaming.
It will all be consuming.
I cover my ears and run.
My feet pitter pattered as I walked towards the stage.
My hands are starting to become clammy.
I wonder, should I walk back or engage?
I feel like I'm drowning
Retreating into my mind
My brain hurts
My legs numb
My arms heavy and palms sweaty
Body throbbing and tears streaming
I lay, crying
And sobbing
And scratching
When I look at that face there is nothing in. This world more clear then what I see, this is someone who’s achieved nothing. A being so afraid to change it does nothing but stare.The embodiment of sadness and anxiety.
As a child I didn’t fear the monsters under my bed
I feared the monsters inside my head.
I still fear my own mind.
It bothers me all of the time.
Are they the enemy?
I've always asked myself, just where do their priorities lie? Who is on my side?
Young, weak, trembling,
I stand with frailty,
But I stand.
I stand. I will keep standing,
How do you write something happy
that's also good?
My efforts always seem to fall short
when I attempt to write
about how the sun feels
on my skin,
because that skin contains scars
"Once more," they asked me.
They asked with those simple words.
"Once more," they said again.
The words climbed up my throat,
but never left.
Their greedy mental hands pushed and pulled,
I’m on a boat.
I’m 7.
I remember boats can capsize.
I begin to doubt the integrity of this boat.
I panic.
I’m in a car.
People all around
But I can only hear one sound
I want to make a friend
Why can't this pain end
I try to build the strength
But the voice inside will go to any length
You’re my enemy but my friend
I always wonder when you’ll end
You motivate me to do work
If I don’t then I will feel worse
My mind runs like a bomb
Even when I’m feeling calm
Underwater it seems
I live my life today.
There is no escape from the thoughts I call my own,
The fear, the shaking, the future unknown
My body reacts without control
There is no end in sight.
I hate
I had a phobia of words;
Not the monster under my bed.
This terror lived inside me
Up inside my head.
It ate my thoughts for breakfast
Asked for seconds
Then for thirds
Heart Pounding,
Beating out of my chest even.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
Lips Quivering,
Teeth lightly nibbling the inner lining of my mouth.
I was always a shy child.
I would rehearse saying my name out loud
In case my voice cracked
I would fixate on every thought every
Take three steps forwards
Realized from years of hard work
Fall backwards off the ledge
Realized from a downward spiral
One morning; a monday morning.
Two thoughts; do I live or die?
you're four and pocahontas is your world.
mommy and daddy don't understand,
'you want to marry the princess?
you can't.'
(they don't know why you're confused.)
I Fear Living
My mind won’t power down from all the thoughts that scare me
cause every day I’m living in a world I don’t want to be
I take a breath.
Silence bubbles up to ears and muffles
The sound surrounding me. My
Hands curling, my fingers dig into my palm
With the viciousness only found in survival.
I take a breath.
Anxiety.
The one thing I would always fear.
The one thing everyone fears.
My Skin...
The bumps and scars on my skin reminded me of how I can never have clear or smooth skin.
My Weight...
At thirteen
my heart had never been broken
I was still dreaming big dreams
And I was still outspoken
I sided with hope
having no concept of doubt
There it was,
That shadowy silhouette
With its glowing yellow eyes,
And tall stature,
Always watching,
Always waiting,
Waiting for the perfect time to strike.
The creeping dark is there
Waiting for me to slip
The creeping dark is there
Helping my feet to trip
The creeping dark is there
Freezing my heart and soul
The creeping dark is there
It is there with me
every day
all night.
In the morning when my alarm blares,
and in the evening when sleep evades me.
Feeling energy acscend, rising
faster even as revelations
facaded, enveloped and revealed
find emotional assertions: resolutions.
Feeling evolved, as reopened
flowers entice astral rays;
Waiting.
Waiting for a sign,
Broken, damaged, lost,
Crying for help,
Screaming into the void,
‘Help me, please, someone help me.’
Strength takes persistence
We face this situation every day
But as long as you cross the finish line
Anxiety fades away.
A sudden realization in the back of a subaru
A panic, driven by an anxiety I am clinically chained to
With all of the time I have been given and all of the love I have been given what have I done for myself?
My fear feels like this:
cold fingers wrenching my wrists behind my back,
thick, black ink coating my lungs,
poison gas seeping into my ears, whispering:
"Everything would be better if you weren't here."
No one fights my demons
cuz angels don't exist
A scream without an echo
is an arm without a fist
Must we lose the ones we love
to see inside our hearts?
Aren't we all just souls with tear-away faces
It's hard to feel alone in the world
A piece of you missing
but no one knows
No one sees inside you to that terrible hole
The hole in a space by your heart
The one that screams out for a hand
Like a dark cloud hovering over me,
Fear found its greedy way into my life.
It held me back with strong chains and great lies,
And convinced me to burrow into my shell.
i’m still searching far and wide
for someone who has always been beside me
you are here
but i don’t know your face yet
I can't watch the sunsetbecause it hurts my chest
but I like the way the waves crash against the shoredragging it back down with the tide
Fear grips me, my heart races and sweat trickles down my back and anxiety takes over.
Gradually, my panic is reduced to nervousness.
I keep playing after I miss the ball, the coach yells at me.
My day goes by, all a blurry haze.I'm slowly drowning in a cold, dark pool. People pass by, reaching out thier hands.
I dreamt of a glowing blue square
That seemed to look at me with an ice cold stare.
It chased me in circles around my own house,
But my screams were no louder than a mouse.
I would try to swim across the river every day,
Just to find myself sinking,
Filling my lungs with a rush of fire.
So many words
None I can say
I look at them
They can see the words
But cannot read them
And I cannot say them
I scream
And I shout
In a foreign language
They don't understand
Who cares what others say?
They only want to ruin your day.
Nevermind what the haters say, just ignore them until they fade away.
I used to think, what if they are right?
Then I realized, they had no right.
The inexorable creep of sleep
seeps into my toes
worries and woes
Thrown out my window.
For during good times
I have flown too close to the sun.
Taunting vultures circulate overhead
Without invitation.
The incessant, whipping wings
Pay no mind to
The air that I displace.
the feeling is strange
i dont know what to do
but im glad for the change
im happier than i knew
now i still have a little anxiety and anger
and sometimes fall too
but i can get up faster with you
Dear Anxiety,
How does it feel inside of my mind?
Where you like to torture me all of the time.
Making me believe things that aren’t true.
Like when you said “they’ll all laugh at you”.
The creatures scream and shout,
From the winter boondocks of my mind,
Oh, the things they scream about;
Their gnarly, needy hands,
Desperately attempting to grip my fate and my future,
What looms beyond the trees—a monster black.
I see his visage clear, and hear its moan.
I wait to feel the claws upon my back,
Then wrap around my neck intent to choke.
Through these perilous roads
Under the cover
Of the night sky
Glaring forces
Spring from the darkness
And with pain at the temples
Will you wait for me?
As I stand on the edge of sand
With water caressing between my toes
Back and forth, back and forth
There is a lull in the wind
Everything stops,
Alone in a crowded room,
Searching for someone... anyone,
I feel alone in this classroom,
I see someone with a nice smile,
My hope begins to bloom,
The fear grows with each step,
Little WordsCreate the birdWho flew so highHe touched the sky.And when he tumbledTo the sandNo one heardDespite the birdWho got back upAnd tried again.
Do the French VHL Math HW #37 read p 209-213 p214 #1,5,17,20,27,30 Physics WS AP Chem
Lab due tmr START the essay SSR due Dec 13 Test on Monday make study guide
One for airplanes, heights, ladders, and jumping headfirst into lakes.
Two for condescending,menacing, phony, fakes.
Three for waiters, teenagers, blondes and the elderly.
you took away two years of my life.
i was locked inside the confines of your walls
and weighed down by a sense of hopelessness.
i fought with every breath to be free of your chains.
I come to the realisation
that
I can’t remember those winters,
the winters of my childhood.
It was really good at all times,
and it was really bad.
Now it’s bad all the time.
. . . right
away, you’ll see it’s difficult to find:
(That -- while it’s true, it’s only You able to see inside your, Mind, -- )
Lost thoughts often become begotten
I can’t breathe right,
My fingers twitch uncontrollably,
People keep on speaking,
They act like I’m okay.
My brain feels like it’s breaking,
I'm in a room full of people
Smilin' and laughin'
And I can't bring my mind to joining them now or hereafter.
I'm thinking about death,
And I'm thinking about darkness.
You made me feel,
Like there was nothing I could achieve.
And all my dreams,
We’re too far out of reach.
You broke me down,
And watched me cry.
And didn’t even care,
My friends are a drug.
Each and everyone of them a pill.
They block out my reality,
And give me a high.
But thats all it is…..a high.
They don’t change my reality
Or well being.
You hide behind hills,
Curves of rock snaking up,
Strangling
The lakes and rivers--
Your tears.
And the blades of grass, a fine-woven net
To catch,
To cut,
To keep
My heart beats faster than my mind
Which is running somewhere else other than here
It escapes to my home in West Virginia which is a thousand mile away from here
Our monsters used to live under the bed,
sparkly and purple
“they’re not real,” we said
Life was safe,
monsters were fantasy,
Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to not constantly Worry about what people think of me, to not wonder if that woman on the other side of the room - that hasn’t even looked in my direction - is laughing at me or laughing at the completely rand
That dark slowly consumes me
It’s like inching closer to infinity
Is this what it’s like to not be able to see?
Don’t touch me
Or come near me
Perfect.
A level of expectation that I’ve come to strive for
despite the pain it causes.
It has grown to become a relief
to see a 100% atop my paper,
She says stop thinking so hard
I wish it was that easy
She says stop worrying so much
I wish it was that simple
She says stop being so selfish
I wish I was strong enough not to be
Atlas shakes
Beneath the weight
Of expectations
Far too great
He can not falter
He can not fail
His friends depend on him
He must be there
That was not me,
that hapless, shaking girl
clutching safety to her chest-
Wringing every last drop out of
sympathy.
That was not me,
but it was.
I was golden and young,
Rest your head upon my fragile shoulder,
Let my bones be your tired pillars.
Craving death, it's nothing new
You always tell me of your ache to bleed
Your soul has been starved
i’m not used to being this sad anymore
it’s like a distant relative that i once was very close to
until i realized that that relationship was toxic
and it took all of my strength to cut them off
Old habits die hard,
Robert Frost and dying stars,
Those are the things that made me.
Cherry blossoms now in bloom begin wilting on the stem.
When I was little,
I used to be afraid of
the dark.
I was afraid of all kinds of things:
spiders,
vampires,
snakes, and
Lonlieness is a curious little thing,it infects our thoughtstakes ahold of me sometimesIt makes me feel like no one would care.Like I'm alone in my thoughtsand that frightens me.Because I scare myself.
I struggle
To wake up every morning,
I find it hard
To fall asleep at night.
Getting up in front of a crowd is impossible,
Breathe, I tell myself,
BREATHE.
There are people going through worse,
I sat down to write with just one task, it was quite clear:
That all I had to do tonight was write about my fear
Though this may seem quite easy, it is not, I can attest
When he made her
he said she was going to be smart and funny and kind
and caring and she was going to have a boyfriend that she adores,
that always calls her beautiful
but she will have depression and anxiety
Deep in the forest, where the black moths play
Lies a species of creature that may not have existed today
They call themselves, "Dreadlox" from a tale
Far too old, a sort of pixie-like creature
I lie awake thinking
While staring at my ceiling
About so many things
To name a few: my day
Tomorrow
The paint chip on
The wall
There's that one word...
It keeps me from succeeding...
Failure.
It's bound to happen,
So why try to be
Successful?
I do nothing
Because I won't win.
I miss chances
My oh my, what is this deadly sensation?
A sickening feeling, oh how I detest it.
Like a chemical reaction, I feel the explosion
Of a million thoughts, the mind's at the limit.
Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, the next it's the bear.
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
lost my belief
near river streams
waters were splattering my elbows
by stratosphere
beaming grin
I said some things
left your eyebrows in Jupiter
promise you'll send doves to me
White Daisy,
so delicate
so pure of touch.
Deadly promises
and broken ways
turned your
once pure soul dark.
What created
the blackness
now coating,
covering the white?
There is an unspoken fear
Of the fear that lies within.
Of the fear boiling in my veins,
Of the fear peeling back my eyelids at 1 a.m.
I say nothing.
There is an unspoken fear
Of the fear that lies within.
Of the fear boiling in my veins,
Of the fear peeling back my eyelids at 1 a.m.
I say nothing.
No one wants to be friends with the depressed kid
Or the one with crippling anxiety
That poor child who was traumatized, but
Everyone steps away when she needs help
When the evil
Dark
I wake up each day, a new dawn,
a new beginning, filled with new possibilities
letting yesterday's failures fade
and yet they stick to me like the sap from a tree.
I.
Every emotions we have has its colors
Others were basically there to brighten
Like happiness, always there to enlighten
Ink on a page
Filled with color
Lines of stories never told
Sequences of secrets
Never unfold
People never breathed into creation
I feel safest by the water
where I am free
and my thoughts are my own
to feel without fear
or judgement.
I feel safest by the water;
I can hear God speak,
he whispers truth into my ear,
I can't hold on,
I can't let go...
I keep on breathing
But each breath is suffocating.
My heart keeps pounding
But in my own blood,
I'm sinking.
Press start to begin
Fighter thrown into battle
Decked out in armor
It is just a game
It’s a game you want to win
Excited, you run
Through the hollows, into the grey
Across the rolling hills of pain
Run all night till the darkest day.
When shadows behind the mists play
Charge forward to the silent rain
Heart pounding too fast,can't breathe,soul locked in the dizzy cageas I spin to the frequency of the world too fast, too loud.It's all crashing down now.I am TNT lit at both ends,
When you live with anxiety for so long it almost becomes a routine in your head.
Like a clock ticking in the background as you try go along with your day ignoring the thoughts that still exist in your head.
Nervous pangs and tattering thoughts
The impending terror of my dreams lay before me.
Psychology tells physiology to shut its mouth but biology gives in:
Close my eyes and count to three
Everytime I see someone since my uncle’s been gone, they tell me how different I look
How I cut my hair short
How my acne cleared up
How my lips aren’t chapped anymore
The darkness is creeping up on me.
It's up to my neck, I'm barely swimming.. not swimming at all, honestly...
I'm drowning in darkness
The tendrils wrapping around my neck
Dear Anxiety,
You are my closet friend, the one I've come to know.
You have demanded control over me and my life, the makings of the walls inside my mind.
She let down my pride, my spirits.
I let her do that.
I let my anxiety awknowledge my excistence instead of myself.
I was crying.
Crying a lot.
My heart is racing, I don't know why it keeps beating really fast.
Each day I wake up, putting on this mask.
I get afraid to do certain things, very easy, simple tasks.
Let me tell you a secret.
I live my life, chained
To the bottom of the ocean
Where blues meet blacks
And no matter how hard I struggle-
Walking slowly, earbuds turned all the way up
Running quickly from the mentors in my head, chasing me.
The bad Decisions,
the good Decisions.
Anxiety yelling I'm never good enough-
The only times my theater class is ever quiet is during lockdowns.
Anxiety grabbed a hold of me
I was only sixteen
It tried to destroy me
and then it shaped me in to who I was supposed to be
Without these struggles, I could have never known
How to thank someone to whom I owe everything? The silent struggle with this new stranger unable to trust my heart crying, “danger”. The silence stretched in a power struggle while I stared at the wall not moving a muscle.
Those black and white keys
That every person sees
Is significant to me
One woman changed my life
When lessons began one night
When life became depressing
She was my biggest blessing
I come from blurry images that look back at me from the mirror
I say I'm beautiful but harsh words from the past hit me like a pair of
Anvils weighing down on me
Bulying hurts and lays skin deep
It's nights like this
Where my mind is a cage
My thoughts rattling around behind the bars
Negativity
Hate
Anxiety
Insecurity
Screaming at my from every angle
I can't process my thoughts
And then three years later and look at us now..
We were talking about marriage & having some kids in the house.
Man nothing ruins a relationship quicker than doubt.
Used to say you were so confident in what we had.
just one more breath
nice and slow, think it through
isn't life or death; see?
what do you want to do
I wish this wasn't me
living with this constant cage
no peace for my mind
Insecure souls,Walking on their own dead bodies,Emotionless,
coz they don't care, even less,
Gravitating backwards she declines,
Liquifying to earths compressions,
Ruined but intertwined,
Cannot bypass innocent transgression.
Paved away from those dementions,
Couldn't shake her desolation,
Taking a day's anxiety
and turning it into a burning desire
by walking into a kitchen
and make a flambe with fire.
Turning a day of self doubt
into an impeccible entree,
Less a coach, more a teacher
In our practices you were a preacher
My confidence wavered from experiences past
But a man like you knew how to bring me out
Out of my shell, you brought this change about
my head is constantly telling me
I am scared, I am anxiety
chest hurts, nervous, taking prescriptions
panic attacks, pain, and other mind numbing symptoms
but through and through I try to find hope
Here I sit
Without me
Without you
I feel like my throat is closing in
Im not sure what this feeling is
Doom
Doom comes over me without warning
I feel like I need to scream but can't
A thousand words can mean a thousand things
A thousand thought can make a human being
A thousand words locked in my head
A thousand drops of blood down my hand
A thousand people in a room
To get away from reality
I fall into a fantasy
Created by my own anxiety
Fear flowing from my feet to my head
I mess up relationships instead
By overthinking way ahead
The happy starts to fade,
my hands they begin to shake
my eyes fill with tears and i am running away
my breath starts to catch and i am searchng for a hiding place
She looks at the mirror
with glistening tears
staring at what nobody else could ever see.
Scars invisible to the world
mar all of her thoughts in regard
to what she could be
and what she sould see
i dont know if im really who i say i am if im happy if im great who knows what i am no one but me. but im making sure that even knows my image and my heart im sad and happy who i am limbo i just want to obtain that one thing every human desires ha
It pounds against the confines of my head
Throbbing, pulsing from within
Flooding my skull with blinding pressure,
It seeks release
A thousand eyelids fluttering in the dim light
Millions of whispers piled deep into my head
Surrounded by voices; I was a <murmur>.
Fear had stolen my lips away,
Locked them in a vault under the sea-
Why?
My mind was confused.
My mentor was trappped in another world
in my tormentors
PTSD, Anxiety, Depression
a supression of myself
I've stuggled against it,
I've tried to deny them
It made me feel as though I didn't fit.
The salty liquid rolls down like a water fall,
staining rosy cheeks before falling upon the black sheets.
A fragile silence unbroken remains
as no sound is permitted to escape
the locked up lips which hide away
with time comes responsibilty.
only those who can partake in such things such as a job are said to live happy
but does money makes us "human"
does being wealthy make us proud and lovable?
A/N: This is better served as a performance piece, as it is the first Slam poem I ever wrote. So I will indicate actions in my performance with
*asterisks*
Feel free to be quiet
Feel free to move out
Your voices won't quit
I really need you out
I can't think
I can't speak
I am lost and confused
I feel used
Please, stop telling me what to do
my body is buzzing
frantic static inside my head
my blood runs cold
my skin burns hot
my vision blurs
i need it to STOP!
why won’t it stop?
i don’t feel real anymore
An antagonizing demon festered a feeling of imminent destruction within this decaying body
A dog named Hunger gnaws on my stomach
Growls at me whenever I cannot eat
Demands my attention while I’m in class
He has a sister who lives in my mind
Her name is Anxiety
While she does not bite me
End:
A cut on my arm
A cut on my leg
How have I been so brave?
They me what happened as i’m bleeding out
by Ariel Douglas (27 October 2016)
What do you see?
My smile? My fidgeting?
What do you hear?
My chatter? My rambling?
What do you feel?
The ghost that whispers doubt in your ear.
The fear that makes you afraid of everything.
The immediate action of either fight or flight.
Something that sticks with you and rarely leaves.
In an era where the only feeling is time
That nurtures a budding, all-consuming longing
A never ending cycle of living, “Should it end?”
I wish
you were not here
but since you are
be my fuel
It's hard to breathe
and it's hard to focus
but you are here
be my fuel
It takes so much
to do so little
ANXIETY
The endless thoughts,
The hesitations.
The stomach aches,
Headaches,
Tears.
Holding herself back,
ANXIETY
The endless thoughts,
The hesitations.
The stomach aches,
Headaches,
Tears.
Holding herself back,
i’m breathing in and out
rapid and unsteady
i have serious doubt
finding i am unready
i don’t know what to do
i’m pacing
i couldn’t possibly see this through
my heart is racing
You only see my tears when I laugh
But can't see my wounds and scars inside.
You only listen to what you hear
Fake smiles and fake laughs stop you from asking questions.
Haven't you noticed yet and learned a lesson?
The depression makes me want to talk and express what I'm feeling.
Sometimes by Brandon Arthur King Sometimes, the brightest lights cast the darkest shadows.
this is what depression feels like
or something else.
Anxiety?
My head is spinning and is thinking about things other than this world,
It’s because I love the orange tint
And hand painted clouds
Dipped in neon pinks and yellows
It’s been a while since we’ve been acquainted.
I think about you when I’m watching turned backs instead of faces
The refreshing feeling of venting to blank paper
Reading and writing poetry speaks to the soul,
Sometimes you have to fall before you reach your goal.
I would often question myself and ask who am I?
Why am I doing this? Is it worth a try?
I was taught to free my mind
I was taught to leave my pain behind
I was taught to travel to a different time
Without ever leaving my room behind
I was taught to be free
In which it helped with my anxiety
I remember the day
And the shame that followed
When I asked for help
And my fear I swallowed
They asked me questions
How long I'd felt this way
How my life was at home
If I felt I'd lost my way
is this ok?
am i ok?
is it ok that i exist?
always the questions
that continue to persist
in the mind of mankind
always the struggle
to overcome
to continue in a game
is this ok?
am i ok?
is it ok that i exist?
always the questions
that continue to persist
in the mind of mankind
always the struggle
to overcome
to continue in a game
What poetry has taught me is easy to see.
It's made me actually deal with, well, me.
I have learned that it's okay to have insecurities.
It's alright to acknowledge the anxiety.
My heart is heavy.
It is a bomb planted inside me,
Ready to explode within the walls of my chest.
My chest is tight.
My lungs fail me.
I always seem to findmyself here. These cement blocks,jutting out of the dirt likemoss-covered stepping stones.They lead the way and beckon me witha brittle finger. But you are nothere.
You are a galaxy.
A collection of beautiful fragments that shine.
You are a galaxy.
The planets that orbit your mind are home to brilliance.
Enid Ibarra
Human: A Lesson
When I was fourteen, I pressed my hand against
A stranger’s chest and learned that a heart
Has four chambers and cannot feel
I am quiet most of the time.
I just stare and think.
My words get frozen within my lungs.
And I believe my thoughts are deadly.
People tend to ask me,
"why are you so quiet?"
You sit and stare out at the fieldYou shut your eyes and form a shield.Where did you go wrong?The words and insults form a song.You’re such a fake friend!
I hesitate.
Replaying your comment in my head.
Say something.
Say anything.
Speak up.
Speak OUT.
But enough though I want to,
I don't say anything.
I don't.
You scare me.
I´m afraid to talk to you
Afraid of what I might give
And what I might get back
You scare me.
I´m afraid to stand with you
Wallet. Keys. Food for work. Check.
Anxiety rises with every minute that gets closer to my shift.
Leaving my house is hard
because I'm afraid I'll lose something and be stuck out there.
Wallet. Keys. Still there.
by Ariel Douglas (28 October 2014)
I am a beast
I am an animal
I am trapped in an unforgiving cage
I am destructive and I am broken
Bloodshot eyes
Clear despite the rain
Breaths as silent as they are translucent
Dark circles
sometimes it feels like I am screaming underwater;my words are just bubbles of gasping air.then I look around
Sweet soft rhymes rhythmic against ears so eager
Eat every word with sweet salivating stealth
Poems provoke pieces of me
Hanging on the quatrain I quiver through questions of who I am
I don’t enjoy speaking out
In social situations
The unfamiliar – thinly veiled-
And uncomfortable
Trembling in my voice
As I say something that does not sound – does not
Emit – what I want to say and
One o'clock strikes
A time of night not many dare seek
Weary limbs move
Begging for rest
Two o'clock strikes
Another hour gone by
'Why oh Why' she cries
Rest is far
Breathe, in and out
Curtains closed, Slowly open
Smile, Bigger, Happier
Don't shake, Don't show your nerves
Move, Grace, and poise
Children watch and Dream
One day it will be them
it never stops
the noise within
no breaks
no holidays
no timeouts
Consistency
Intensity
waves of volume weigh me down
particular voices come to mind
always pessimestic
the mirror isnt my true friend
she wont reflect my fantasy land
instead exposing the world in a aggressive manner
where i cant unsee the ugly truth
i cover my eyes to reside inside myself
I'm afraid of heights, but that's not all.
There are no ropes in case I fall.
Now that I'm an adult it seems,
the only escape from anxiety is in my dreams.
I would love to wake up one day,
It's been a year.A year since you broke me.
It's been a year since you cut into my fleshBefore I even got the chance toAfter telling me how horrible it is.
Grew up on planet earthBut wandered oftenSaw the eyes of friends and felt ashamedMistook the softness for the angerLed to the fogged chaos, to the sadnessTo the lonely nights that hissed and heated
I feel the walls close in on me As I feel the hinges of panic crawl onto my skin And the inklings of my mind. The beast has been let out of their cage again Because I forgot to obey their orders swimmingly. Now they've turned violent against me I
Please don’t look
Don’t look
Because I don’t know if I can say this if you do
Turn your back and listen
But listen to me
He is quiet. He is calm. He always sits in the darkest corners. He is not safe. He is dangerous. He is deadly.
A jumbled, hurt feeling
A word, a sentence
Hope to bring healing
A heart filled with repentance
You bring me relief
I would say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place,
But sometimes, it’s more like I’m stuck between a rock and the ground.
I’m pinned in place, and I can’t move.
there’s a woman
who wasn’t the best mother
she had depression
it was quite sad
even tried to take her life
The piercing of the gunshot and the race between my heart and mind is on
And just like the pounding of running feet on the pavement, my heart is racing
But it is the only thing I can hear
My life. My life?
I sit in class staring at the wall.
The teacher spewing "knowledge"
I am lost. Lost in my thoughts until I realize I have not been thinking.
Imagine waking up early and feeling all happy
Then by nine pm, you've got all snappy
The girl you loved is now a whore
And you're one wrong word from a hole in the wall
IT GETS BETTER.
It seems like such a cliche.
Honestly, I know how it sounds,
and how those words make you feel:
annoyed, devalued, misunderstood.
It seems like a lie,
it feels impossible,
What will you remember me by?
The hair out of place or the smile on my face
A sentence in the back of the book
The way I act or the way I look?
I forgot I’m forgetting I’m forgotten
Since I got away from you for solid years,
Built up confidence like a Berlin wall that separated my mind from people like you.
Through the words flowing from this pen,
almost seamlessly it feels,
I have discovered what lies in the deepest corners of my mind,
things I never imagined I could touch.
People have always told me,
A shiny, new, bustling city.Full of people.Each with ideas.Each with thoughts.Each with emotions.
But then It starts.
Ever sense that day, all anyone can say is
"How are you doing?"
I respond with the simple and basic answer
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, Thanks
These two words are the thin veil that protects me from them...
I have always been the small girl. The short girl ,the skinny girl, the I can wrap my fingers around her wrist girl. The eat a cheeseburger girl.
When I told my friend that I liked a boy she was ecstatic. She gushed. She squealed. She urged me forward.
When I told my friend he asked me out she screamed. She laughed. She yelled. She asked me when we were going out.
I have a little blade box,
It's hidden by my bed.
It hides all the secrets,
I can't keep in my head.
So if I'm feeling bad,
or want to sink into the dew,
I grab my little blade box,
My mind is a ferocious beast
That feeds off of dismal and harrowing memories.
Oh no, is it time for the feast?
It feels as if I am deceased.
The monster putting my mental state in jeopardy,
Blood drips onto the floor from the knives in my back
Tears flood from my eyes as it all goes black
I let people hurt me because I trust too much
I could get lost in the beatuy of your eyes
Compare the, to the beatuy of nature
Crystal blue lakes, perciuos gems
I could say they remind me of home
Of feeling safe
Call your eyes bright as the stars
my heart
aches
at the knowledge
that i’ve loved you for forever
but
forever is coming
to an end.
As the colors fade and slowly turn to grey,
I rise from the ashes, color blossoming from within me.
I hear a whisper behind me,
But I dare not look back.
You are cryptic
A knot I cannot untie
I'm sorry if I hurt you
I wouldn't quite know
Since you keep it so
Guarded from me
As if I hurt you
But I'm not sure how
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I am a politically conscientious, theater-obsessed English nut,
An extrovert with anxiety and an unquenchable taste for scary books and movies,
"Be yourself again." They say.I want to be all that and more.But how can I go back to being something,That I never even knew?And how can you find yourself,
You don’t understand
that when I say
“It was hard for me
to get out of bed today,”
it was because
I had to peel myself
i’ve been trying to find love in a billion relationships
and i’ve tried everything i can to make myself feel something
and i’ve pushed my feelings so far behind walls
and i’ve pushed people away to get free
I want to do my homework
But he prevents me from doing so.
I want to practice my violin
But he tells me I couldn't do it anyway.
I want to have fun with my family and friends
But he wants all of us to suffer.
I’m thinking St. Jude has got a hold on me
My head my hands my head
Shaking so violently
Hand me a bottle, babe
I can’t breathe
I need to breathe
But alas, I sit in this barren, cold room. Very much solitude. No sun, no moon. Storm nor shine do I find. Dark nor light existing. Just space, space and confusion, doubt, and worry. Running, chasing invisible dreams. Dreams so unreal, dreams so
The baby was tucked into bed,
Quietly breathing, slightly smiling
The mother was laying down right beside her,
Mentality breaking, silently wondering
I’m scared of losing my ability to write
Like the way essays seem to escape me right before i have an idea
To vent is to relieve yourself
To benefit one’s personal health
To hold things in you are at risk
So let it out
Do not resist
Cry, whisper, shout, speak
Don’t hang on
I'm breaking it off
You put a chain around my brain
I'm finally taking it off
I know it's gonna be hard
Well I'm making it soft
Until I'm recalibrated, rededicated
Dear Anxiety,
For the longest time, I never knew you were with me.
When I did, though, it became perfectly clear.
You taught me that I needed to be perfect,
but with perfection came some issues.
To my dear depressing thoughts,
You’ve been apart of my life for so long.
Living, breathing and hurting inside of me.
Its been awhile since I’ve felt you.
I’m sure you’ve come back to open my wounds again.
Push. Push. Toss. Catch. Turn. Smile. Point. Breath. Don't let your feelings get the best of you.
Dear Mr. Salvador Dalí,
You were onto something.
People think you were on something.
I think you get it better than any of us can.
Dear Fear,
Crippled you have made me past,
and dawned with dread
in every other thought.
Like that which called me, plead
to be a draught
that I could drink and find no rest.
Dear Anxiety,
Thanks to you, my friends, Will to Live and Love, have left my
Heart.
I try to reason with you, trying to get you to
Stop.
Dear Anxiety,
You need to go
Take a trip to Moscow
I’ll cut you off the way Van Gogh
Cut off his ear
Dear _______,
I won’t give you a name.
You know who you are
And I know, too.
I’m trying to forget.
I’m trying to let go of the
Little obstacles I’ve been through.
Dear Anxiety,
I guess I didn’t know what was down or up the road
All I knew was as I got older my happiness started to corrode
As the masses started asking
In the chthonian cacophony of this
Fast-paced world,
that never stops, never halts
Always turns, always runs,
Coffee drinking, Not really thinking
Why can't you just be happy?
My brain is hardwired for sadness
You look tired. Are you sleeping?
Sometimes. It's hard to fall asleep
Why is it so hard to fall asleep?
Dear Anxiety,
A, Fuck you.
B, I'm so tired of it.
I just want to be free of you.
The feelings of not doing enough, being enough.
To the one who haunts me most:
I shove my feet into the boots and pray nobody sees me shake.
Every morning, I wake up with a sense of regret lingering in my system.Drip.
Dear Anxiety,
Not a day goes by where I am without you
Not a day goes by where I like you
From holding me back
To making me cry
From filling my head with negatvity
To making me freeze
To the people who don’t understand why I won’t let them touch me,
I’ve built a wall between friends, family, and others.
And fucking think again if you thought I had any lovers.
Hey little me,
I know that nothing has been okay,
and I know that you're afraid.
I know that you're alone.
I know that all of the scrapes and bruises
they are nothing compared to what can't be seen.
Dear Anxiety
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
At least I think I feel like, I cant breathe.
The world is so big.
Yet I am so small.
I can't leave my house.
I can't leave my room.
You want me to talk about the realness of this - fine
I believe I am so depressed that it should be a disability
I feel like my insides are rotting and turning into
To the monster inside of me,
You’ve had your fun,
You thought you prevailed,
You thought you had won.
I never thought it would end,
I wish they knew how it feels to be me.
I wish I could cry for help, fall to the ground and…
I wish they knew that award ceremonies are lose-lose situations
Dear hands,
Stop shaking stop picking.
I wish you'd be still and
Stop scratching stop flicking.
Listen,
Dear Her,
I saw Her wrists.
I saw the scars.
I have not forgiven myself
for failing to save Her.
I do not know how to refrain from losing Her again.
Dear Anxiety,
Please leave me alone.
( Why?)
You do not need to constantly question every action I make
(Are you sure?)
dear nicholas and twila,
when i was so much younger
i was sad and often cried
i always felt alone
no matter how hard i tried
My eyes may be closed,
But you'll never catch me sleeping.
I run my hand, cold,
Over scars with heavy breathing.
Even now it stings,
Indentions deeper than remembered.
I’m scared to write an essay.
The computer I’m sitting at is humming and the wood under my wrists are vibrating
My anxiety attacking me like my racing heart when I cup my ears too hard as I count to 287.
Crying because I want to be happy,
But tired of that fucking dysphoria making me wish for misery.
I write these thoughts to clear my mind from the piles of blunt ended metaphorical clutter that may, or may not have cadence.
Their long winded flow,
Dear Anxiety,
It seems strange to be writing to you
When you feel just like another part of me,
An extra appendage that I can’t amputate
Dear Fear,
You are my closest friend
You live inside my head and decide what's best
You keep my grades high so I can follow my dreams
You keep home and safe from all danger
Voices inside my head
They cloud my mind
Keeping me up at night—they call my name
A little here, a little there
I must be crazy
January 29, 2018
Dear all those who love me,
It sits there menacingly, waiting
It’s come back around, and it’s ready for a fight
I’ve prepared my armor…my guns
Dear anxiety,
Yesterday I saw an old friend at the mall but I didn’t say hello because of you.
We used to be good friends but ever since I moved it hasn’t been the same. It was because of you.
Not much has changed, looking back, in a year
When more often than not there are days with your tears
Flooding my own and lifting the ships
That I sent my demons away to drown in;
Alone, that is how I felt
How we felt.
As I look back and realize
You were never alone, you
Had your thoughts, your dreams, and your goals.
They scared you. They broke you, they broke us.
Dear Anxiety,
My heart races when you are near.
My hands become sweaty as you whisper in my ear.
A tingle up my spine.
You have always been mine.
Dear anxiety,
Can we please just take a break, this relationship is dragging on and you’re an unwelcome guest. You’ve been a poison to my serenity and fuel for my fears. Go home anxiety, you’re no longer wanted here.
Sincerely,
Dear Anxiety,
You always seem to find yourself in my head
I can’t keep up with you, I hate this feeling of dread
You keep my hands sweaty and my stomach feeling funny
Hey,
It has been a while
A while since you have sat down and took a breath.
You are reading this because you feel burdened,
maybe by something self-afflicted,
maybe by a matter of circumstance.
Zip Zap Zed
There’s a ghost who follows me
And whispers in my ear. I only
Hear her in the silence. And the
Things she says haunts me dearly.
I learned to live in the noise.
Dear Thorn in my side,
You haven’t always had your razor-sharp point embedded in my skin.
What is it like not to hurt
I wonder
What is it like to not be filled with pain
I wonder
What is it like to live every day
Healthy, safe, free
With just what you need
And knowing everything is okay
How could you let me down?
My dear brain,
your power is so immense
But you lash out on me.
Why me?
For once let me have one thought
one idea
To overcome others is strong.To overcome oneself is the will of power. I try to convince myselfThat I am the best actress to ever walk the earth,And that the hole concaving in my chestIs simply a understudy for my sadness. To overcome others is
Dear Fear,
I was told by a character in a cute little movie that you used caution to keep me safe—
—So please explain to me why I’m scared of sharks in my swimming pool.
No one is like me
This is a blessing and a curse
No one is as detail oriented as I am
No one thinks like me
Dear, Yang
I'm stuck in this room man I cant get out
Shivers down my spine, without a doubt
I'm stuck on this bed
you can only get so deep before bursting into tears
being vulnerable is hard before it’s easy
where’s the key that opens up all the locks
God why can’t I talk fluently to others?
My words become indistinct, just fragments
In my head their fervour cause a shutter
An impact captivating like a comet
Dear Poetry,
Thank you for always being there.
I mean, I'd be worried if you ran away from me
Black scribbles flying off the page making me double check my prescriptions
Dear depression,
As the tears
stream down my face
I begin to feel like
A disgrace
“we cant help you if you don’t speak”
Is what they always say
But what they do not know
After a while you grow tired of hearing it.At first, it's the worst.How could you say that?How dare you say that?Who are you to tell me what I choose?
Dear God,
I'm screaming, I'm shaking, I'm dead inside. I want to be good enough and believe me, I tried.
So I take a deep breath and I count to three. I imagine the person that I wish I could be.
Dear Anxiety,
What if they don’t pick me?
What if I am not good enough?
What if I don’t win any scholarships at all?
What if I write the worst letter they’ve seen?
Today I miss
Being mentally stable
Being hale and whole
Having a brain with chemicals made and mixed
In the right proportions
I think the day you told me
That the words ‘post-traumatic stress disorder’
Could be applied to my name
Is the day I was truly went crazy.
The day that poems started falling
I’m kind of sick and kind of sad
But if I’m honest
Neither one really fits
‘Cause only a few have hearts good enough
For life to take an ice cream scooper
And dig the carton of their soul hollow
rain slips down my windshield
like a broken mirror
endless skewed versions of everything
are reflected back to me
I forgot how to turn on the wipers
they’re only supposed to run on high
Dear LittleVoice,
I hope you know that you lost
It's been almost three years now and even if you do come back, I'll be ready
I know you now
Why won’t you just leave me alone?
I don’t want you around - I never have.
But apparently, I can’t get a restraining order
against my own mind.
Dear anxiety,
You've been with me my whole life
Not like a loving mother who cares for me
I've never been fond of
the cold days
although
i like staying in
where it's warm
and safe
but sometimes
i need
freedom
on the cold days
especially
I need adventure
Keep searching for the lyrics of a broken heart
But no words can really express the pain that I feel
No one will ever understand the life I have lived
So I am left here to write this myself.
dear anxious self,
when your brain cannot stop thinking
and your heart beats in object terror
at things only the mind’s eye sees -
breathe.
Anxiety,
What triggered you this time?
Was it the way that man looked at us on the street?
Was it the test we have in chem. tomorrow?
There may be times when you are feeling down,
when someone blows your rekindling ember,
and you can't help but put the biggest frown,
or raise the flag in white to surrender
in front of many people who've shamed you
I want to die
So I can be as free as a butterfly
I want to die
My friends feel like they are passing me by
I want to die
All of my plans have gone awry
I would politely ask you to stop talking
and the red would show through
but i’d force it down
to a meek whisper
my fingers twitch
itch and fiddle
Dear Future Self,
Do you remember the beat
The thumping of feet
Up and down the halls
In and out of classrooms
they say we don't write letters
but I wrote 'em
just last year
christmas alone
the only thing I wanted was to speak
but he was
cities
towns
states
Dear Anxiety,
We have known each other for far too long
I was six when you first came rapping on my door
You loomed there like the grim reaper
With your chains of fear and worry you tied me down
Dear ex-lover,
You say that it's not always about me
as if this fear of not being enough
of ruining every good thing in my life
Dear God,
I'm worried,
I know where my life is headed,
But even then,
I feel that I don't have direction,
I know what I want to do,
But even then,
Is it the right thing?
It was the way he chewed on his nails until his fingers were raw.
the way he trembled and studdered and looked around
like he was watching out for something.
Present in class,
under the antiseptic light of the lecture hall my words infect the air,
and my fat brass opinion dissipates into discussion.
The next hand raises
Dear friend,
I love seeing you every morning.
Your presence makes me shutter.
I enjoy our small talk. It's nice.
Sometimes there's silence. It's nice.
How could she not understand
The pain she is causing her children
She believes that my father will take all of us
And he isn't holding us captive its our choice
Dear Stranger,
Anxiety is like a whirlwind of emotions that hits you all at once
You may feel happy then boom; you are hit by an overwhelming thought of panicky sadness!
Your heart begins to race
My eyes used to shine so bright but then it changed.
Time passed
days, weeks, months a year had gone by.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had smiled with ease.
Dear Mr. Woods, can you let me out without ever letting me go, Mr. Woods?
The rain pours and weighs down your branches, now I'm soaked from head to toe, Mr. Woods.
Dear 2017,
Thank you.
Thank you for the pain. Thank you for the hurt. Thank you for the tears. Thank you for the hardships.
To others that do not understand,
they call you jitters, uneasiness, or maybe worries
but you are so much more than what it may seem.
You are anxiety, misery in its purest form
my fingers tingle
my knuckles white
i grasp my hopes
“it’ll be alright”
but nothing changes
they start to slip
through the cracks
that aren’t newly broken
Dear You,
This is my least favorite part of my day.
I can never escape her eyes.
And my body can never escape her judgments.
"Bent, broken, barbed"
That's all she seems to say as her nails
I failed my major.
I came outside crying.
It was worse than a bad audition.
It was my entire plan being crushed in front of me.
"You've improved, but you're just not ready yet."
I can feel it
The wind rushing through my hair
The gentle tug of my face as that breeze goes quickly past me
I love this feeling
This freedom
With slouching back and drowned out eyes,
shaking skin and writhing.
"It will be okay!" they lie,
but they all no nothing.
Sleepless nights and restless days,
the looming feeling always stays,
Dear teachers,
At 11 years old, I sprained my ankle.
I got to sit out of gym until it healed.
Gradually, I nursed it back to its full strength
Welcome to the place where my mind often wanders
Welcome to the corner of my brain where my doubts lie
Where my anxieties are written in red ink, because in black ink I write my history, and blue is where I write my sorrow.
My mind is a computer,
It plays games,
Process information,
Turns to power-saving mode.
But if this is true,
Then what are my disorders?
They are flash drives,
Every morning when I wake up I lieI tell myself everything will be okayI go a put on a smileIt takes everything for me to smileIt takes everything for me to pretend Every day when I work I lie
Breath init hurts
Breath outit hurts
Breath init hurts
Breath outit hurts
In thru my mouth out through my nose
Darling,
Have you found the right route, or are you wasting time?
Why do you keep all things in mind, in your mind?
It's sad to see you go this way, but I must release you.
Leaves crumple under my feet as my eyes are fogged by my layered tears.
I’m walking under the brightest street lights, but still feeling completely in the
If only you knew the lengths I would go to be able to tell you how much I love you.
Or the amount of pain I would endure to spend another night falling asleep in your arms.
Sometimes, I think it would be nice to peel off my skin in strips like string cheese.
Sometimes, I think it would be cool to be frozen solid like a Popsicle.
Growing up a good girl with a bad brain is strange.
i get scared on the longer days,
dear
and you, inquisitive, know the blush…
...the blushing reason why
i get scared
Because I am not who you want me to beYou criticize, chastise, and punish meCurse me to the end of the Earth,And throw your religion in my face.
My anxiety haunts me.And no, it's not the usual "under the bed" or "inside the closet" ghostThis is a "inside my heart" ghostA "something is holding me against my bed" ghostA "I can't breathe" ghost
I woke up one morning,And I forgot I was dead.The clock on the wall insisted it was midday,The sun coming through the window seemed to agree.The date on the calendar insisted today was real,
Dear any and all,
It starts with a search.
“I think I might be sick,” you type, fingers hesitant because each word, each letter you feel like, is crying out to the world, with the quietest of voices. Look at me. Look at me.
To those with anxiety....
cripplling, illogical, unforgiving, and neverending...
an unwanted presense in our life.
something we are forced to live with.
the reality is this "disorder" is nothing.
Dear Life,
It's a burning mess, and I'm one of the flames;
Terminally depressed because it's all the same.
Another Saturday night and it's one a.m.,
You're back on my mind, I just need to win.
Dear Ryan,
You didn’t know me way back when…
I struggled to read with my kin,
Mom studied by day and worked by night.
Dad held three jobs, struggling with all his might.
Another night where sleep decided to delay its arrival. Thoughts swirled in her head like a whirlpool that sucked her to its depths.
dear anxiety,
you have been with
me for what feels
like eons, now.
you have whispered
honey-coated
words
that have stuck
to my ears
like the syrup
Dear Anxiety,
Are you the reason my life is a mess?
Or is it just me,
My imagination,
My endless misconception?
Are you the reason my dad left?
Or was it because my mom was young,
Dear Love,
What’s been on my mind?
An eternal pain.
A constant pain.
It's a movement of anxiety and worry that slowly quivers through my body.
Have you ever felt like you can’t get out of bed? You feel you literally cannot get dressed? Like you have no energy to pick up a fork? Or put on a shirt? No interest or ability to concentrate on anything?
I am nothing
This world tells me to be something but… they only make me feel like nothing.
This world wants me to spread positivity but their negativity makes me angry.
Your alarm clock starts to yell at youTelling you the morning has arrivedYou argue,Burrowing into the blankets wishing for more,More time,More warmth,But the sun is peaking over the smoky mountains
This year has been a rollercoaster.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been on
One of these rides. Just when I try to
Steady myself atop a hill of these
Dear Childhood,
I wish I had gotten to know you better How long ago was it that I left? It was certainly early
You people talk of drowning
You who know what I know
I wish that I was drowning
Then maybe my plight would show
Instead I’m trapped here swimming
When you first look at her,
You notice not her glassy eyes,
Or her carefully done up locks.
You notice the glinting medallion
Hanging from her neck.
You push me around,
You say it's just harmless fun,
Well that is, you say that to the teachers and adults.
To me it's more than that.
You force me to smile and say 'I am fine,'
Even though,
I'm not.
Good morning! By good morning, I mean it’s a good thing that you made it through the night. The night is a liar. Maybe not. Sometimes I confuse my anxiety with the night, something like insomnia?
So much depends upon the proper playground pick-me-ups
And picking perennial playground buttercups
There is a girl sitting in front of me
I have known her for years and
Though we are not friends we
Are not acquaintances either
She is talking about something
Why can't I just be a bird,
that reaches up to the sky looking down at all the views and always free to fly?
Why can't I just be the sun,
Lost...Broken... Wandering in a wilderness of despair, Standing in the shadows of shadows becoming invisible again..The glow of the infidelic sun no longer exists...
It was the way he chewed on his nails until his fingers were raw.
The way he trembled and studdered and looked around like he was watching out for something.
Fidgeting and stumbling on his words,
As I sit in my chair, typing away at my computer, I feel eyes, watching me. Not bad eyes. No harm is intended, I can tell. But someone, perhaps more than one person, watches me.
My anxiety cripples me
I take it on as a first line of defense
My tongue’s as sharp as a knife,
I’ll cut you with my words until you bleed apologies
I’m the kind of anxious that gets too comfortable
The overwhelming exhale as I awake from a nightmare, those endless encounters with the fear of isolation, only drives me to become a more compelling individual who's mind is yet to be freed from torment and confusion. 'Expect the unexpected' the c
Well, there was this girl, She lives her life as a lie, She continues to explore the world of sin,But instead she feels dead inside As she took the blade And her body swayedShe’s thinking'“WorthlessPatheticUselessPsychoticI was born at the wrong t
my thoughts float around me in clouds of periwinkle and gold.
ribboned stardust,
mesmerizing me
amidst the inky darkness of navy blue
that blankets my mind
i often gaze up at them
I’ve been contemplating for the past three days,Words to describe my precise emotions,And I become embarrassed by myself,For not even being able to, in such a s
Let me tell you a story
Of her heavy mind that cried
Every night to the moonlight
As she always questioned why.
Let me tell you a
Dear depression
I don't want you anymore
These gloomy dark days you give me were never fun
Yet you continue scarring me
so now I don't know if it's you or me in my bathroom mirror
1. Catch a feeling, connect that feeling to the way that butterfly wings flutter, shutter. The way the wind protests against the trees, creating music with a breeze. 2.
Death is knocking at my door again tonight
I’m trying so hard to slam the door in his face
But each day it gets a little harder
He’s been persistent comin round every night
My nerves shatter does it really matter
Everything's a blur It's too bright my stomach turns
Closing my eyes i put my head in my heads and sounds you can't hear are driving me batty
Nothing seems to be going as planned
No matter how hard I try it's never good enough
Though i'm surrounded by people it often feels as though i'm alone
To my doubt,
Have you ever wondered
what it would be like
to live a life free of you
and to have a heart
unburdened with
thoughts of worry and woe.
Have you ever wondered
To my darling, Anxiety—
Hello, I haven’t missed you.
Not that you ever left, but if you did
I would not miss you.
I would not miss the way you make my hands shake when I am feeling vulnerable,
I burn the pages
of my oldest notebooks,
erasing the ages
that have passed me by.
I remember the old days,
and cheerful jokes told
paired with a longing gaze,
and my calloused fingertips.
four years
four years of pain, confusion, and fear
four years
four years of anger, sorrow, and tears
four years you abused me
four years you used me
four years you destroyed me
The grasp on her is tight
Suffocating her sanity
Hands numb
Heart still beating
Her mind? Filled with demons
Flooding her veins with tortuous thoughts
She silently screams, but no one hears
Bullies are described as
People who are habitually cruel,
Insulting, and threatening,
To weaker people,
At least according to Merriam Webster.
Unheard,
Unseen
Blind, naked and uncontrollable trembling.
Drowning me,
Suffocating me.
Are you okay?
Whats wrong? Why cant you say?
You're a fake
Just afraid.
You're not pretty,
Dear Esther,
I haven’t been the kindest lover.
After a decade of affection, I have grown impatient.
My fingers get rough,
I am afraid of the dark and falling and those shadows you see in the corner of your eye.
And all of these fears probably stem from that time when I was young,
The actions you do,
The words you say,
Slowly eating away.
You don't see the psychopath,
Who lives inside of me,
Leading me down the wrong path.
I want to shout,
Dear Anxiety,
You are the embodiment of my self-doubt if it took the form of a black rabbit overdosed with caffeine that somehow got itself into a cage of white lions.
Dear Racing Thoughts,
Please slow down.
S. L. O. W. Down.
Let me breathe.
Let me be in the moment.
Let my heart beat with my mind as clear as the ocean.
You can't though can you?
Dear Darian,
I’m stuck in a game of tag
I thought it would be fun
The closer he gets, the faster I run
My body is drained,
but I continue
I can’t be ‘It’
A child of ten years,
And a invisible puppeteer,
Stumbled upon each other in a forum.
They grew closer and closer,
But little did the child know,
They would break their heart.
Stop twitching every time you mumble those around you worrythey wonder what you say under your breath when you make those jokes people get uncomfortable unsure of whether to laugh along
dear past, present, and future self,
you fall in love at thirteen
it is may and you are sick again
delicate and easy prey you are
but you pray
Mother,
Let me tell you about two children of my own.
I've had them for awhile, and I'm surprised you haven't noticed.
I have devils in my pocket.
Two little devils.
They snag crumbs from my plate,
I know it's not gonna be easy There's gonna be hard days There's gonna be sad days I know that life will sometimes feel like a maze But with God, I'll make it through, because He is good in so many ways My God has never failed to make me amazed I
I have devils in my pocket.
Two little devils.
They snag crumbs from my plate,
They wait patiently outside the shower,
They sit on my night stand as I sleep.
Sometimes they are more noticable,
My nerves shatter does it really matter
Everything's a blur It's too bright my stomach turns
Closing my eyes i put my head in my heads and sounds you can't hear are driving me batty
Too loud, too loud
Eyes drowned, head bowed
Clap hands over ears
Fingers leave bruises
But must hold in the music
To suspend myself from reality
Hear rhythm rapping the only words that make sense
She was the canvas,
the blade the brush,
the blood the paint
that gives her a rush.
A rush of releif
from the opressive thoughts
that control her mind,
that takes control of her life.
Unclench your jaw—
Let go
And be at ease.
The world is already so tough
You don’t need to please.
Drop down your shoulders
Where did these thoughts come from?
The sloshing waters of the world,
Slammed into a pint glass,
Circumference frosted,
Salty and dripping.
Depression is battling yourself to send your cousin a picture saying "Thought of you" to open a conversation with her
But deciding against it because it's 1am and you don't want to appear lonely and desperate for attention
All eyes on me
Watch me stutter, watch me slip
Watch me crumble at the pressure
Laugh and applaud
I craft masks and write acts
I don't want you to think it's over
This is just the beginning
Let repetition kill the potency
Of the demons’ chant “we’re winning”
Listen just one more time
Speak
Ugly empty silence in my chest
You painful knot of bitterness
Full of regret and accusation
Speak
Each part inside me that dies
I used to think I was a good writer
My creativity used to flow from
Head to hand to pen to paper
Because I Love You
Because I love you I let my heart break
Because I love you I claim every mistake
Because I love you I let you leave,
In fear that you might see what I see.
(((I copied this from my previous account that was deleted, Please enjoy)))
The thing that I admired,
That was my role model,
it cradled my cold body,
it tucked me in at night
It still takes care of me sometimes
and makes me forget that-
This Feeling Is Such A Pain.
“Because I love you”
he said, the pain would all stop
because I love you
“Because I love you”
he said, the voice would go away
because I love you
“Because I love you”
I sit here and wait,
I dont complain,
I do what you ask,
and yet you arent satisfied,
I cant go on,
not with depression coming along
and not with anxiety taking control,
You love me, right?
Yes, I know you've said it.
Yes, I know I've heard it and yes.
I've listened.
But!
But nothing, I know.
You do, BUT--
My brain doesn't believe you.
I cannot do what most people can
Most can leave their house without their heart racing like a thousand horses
My father and I are one in the same;
according to some.
He hates math,
me too,
but I believe there are more similarities than not.
After all we have been through and got.
Medications, prescriptions,
Because you love me you sat up all night
Despite having work the next morning, early
So I could cry over nothing
Because my anxiety told me “Warning: OVERWHELMED”
I can hear screaming,
no theory of where its coming from,
or where the sound is streaming.
What is this meaning?
Why is there a dismal sound
In some places, scars are
The most goregous, glimmering things you've ever seen.
Intricate designs telling of forgotten pains
And forged of blood.
They speak to the strength of their owner.
I finally spit it out.
I finally told all.
I finally admitted it.
I did it.
I regret it, but not really.
I know a part of me does,
but right now, I can't find it.
Hello, old friend,
it’s been awhile.
I haven’t missed you,
and I’ve been in denial.
Been telling myself
it’s okay to smile.
Last night, I couldn't breathe
And so I couldn't think.
I was so desperate to stay alive,
I stabbed people hurting to
Claw my way to the surface.
I never thought I'd drown in open air.
No.
A powerful word.
An underestimated word.
A new word
To me.
I always bleed,
I cannot eat,
Anxiety makes me want to
Leap out of my seat.
A hand on my thigh,
Social anxiety
It’s so simple, but it can ruin lives
My life
People talking feels like heavy metal blasting in my ears
I can’t hear
Their words get scrambles into alphabet soup
You lurk in the dark,
Stalking night,
Creeping by,
Feet quick, Tongue quicker, Once a lover,
Always my demon,
Haunt me like a ghost,
But hold me like a lover,
You are no friend of mine.
My mind, it spins
Endlessly it seems, like the arms of a hurricane.
And yet, it is trapped, centered, in my body,
Next to you.
A small shift in weight.
A whimper.
You understand,
You touch me,
Tick...Tock...Tick
Just breathe
Keep calm
You got this
You studied for hours
Wait is it A or B?
Wait what does this even mean?
Did you really study enough?
Was four days enough?
I'm wide awake.
Night fell long ago;
morning rose to take its place.
I hide my face
from the light.
The peace of sleep
never graced my pillow.
Instead the tumultuous waves
The claws of the creature
that once tore into the tapestry
of my mind are dulled
The unraveling has ceased
but not without
leaving behind wide
fraying gaps
Weaving together
I'm at war with my mind
And the only sense of peace I can find
Is if I go back and let my mind rewind
Back to when I didn't think much
About what I looked like and where I'd sit at lunch
they never saw the real me
the one i hid away in my closet
buried with the things i hid from society
tied her up and taped over her mouth so no one would hear her scream
i remember being happy
being with you is taxingyou suck the energy from my veinsyou cannot make me happybut it's better than being alone
it's pitiful isn't it?to be so lonely I'd rather be with youwho makes me so miserable
the soft tapping crackingof an eggshell on a countertopbrings me to a place that I never thought I would be
If there is one thing I want,it is to not be a wasted life.I want to say I did things for people.I want to saythat I became a playground for everyone’sdemons,a place for people to leave what won’t
Every time you tag me in a post I want to rip out my eyes.
You always take pictures which is great when those pictures aren't of me.
You see, when I see a picture of myself
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid of horses.
I'm afraid of heights.
I'm afraid of drowning.
I'm afraid of death.
NOBODY SEES THE STARS DURING THE DAY BUT IN THE NIGHT THEY ARE VISIBLE,
GOD KNOWS HOW TO HIDE YOU TILL ITS YOUR TIME TO SHINE.
YOUR INVISIBILITY DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE NOT EXISTING SO BE JOYFUL,
Choking, squeezing/ Breath gone/ Eyes dark/ Oh, wherefore art thou,/ O serotonin?/ Mind racing/ Deborah pacing/ Confusion mounting/ Behind my eyes, they're shouting/ Yes, no, maybe so/ Static, static, white noise/ Shake and flap/ Senseless sc
I'd grind a mirror to dust
with my bare hands
if it meant
I never had to look
at myself again.
I'd burn every book I own
because i love you,
a wooden door, left locked, is given a window,
clear glass, and port hole,
a place to speak.
because i love you,
Teeth grind
Heart is dust
Soul shattered
Tear stained face
Barren inside
Burden outside
Return me
Replace me
Don't love me
I don’t want to be here1, 2, 3...No, this is not a note of thoughts on ending the life of mine14, 15, 16...No, this is not a cry for help.26, 27, 28...This is simply what it says, I don’t want to be here...This room is full of ambitious students.
Okay so you are drunk again
But this time you let your heart stay in bed
it's your brain here surprisingly enough
so listen up
You have potential
A part of Newton's Cradle
Right now is just the start
How is it that I am still alive?
How is it that today I am awake
and maintaining hope that things will get better
when I can feel myself spiraling out of control?
There have been days...
This town is filled with strays
Many die while others thrive
No one likes the survivors.
Angry, anxious, and violent
running away when they can
swiping when they can't.
Guiding Holy Spirit
anxiety?
No need to fear it
Blissfully
I Breathe
What a way to be!
Jesus once again conquered death,
& Gave Life to the powerless.
There’s always a key.
A key to one’s mind
A key to one’s heart.
A key to one’s soul.
Locked away for same keepings,
But thieves still slither this earth.
Skilled thieves pick locks
For me,
you were a miracle,
a secret,
untouchable, youthful,
my favorite metaphor,
but it turned into the darkest poem,
you took what I had to give,
until there was nothing left,
I am afraid to close my eyes
Hearing the emptiness when I awake
Feeling any heart pounding against my ribs
lungs constricting to leave me breathless.
My head is spinning
as I choke down a shriek
A moment of anxiety
this is where your tightrope snaps
So you have a choice
To grab onto the rope and swing
try to climb yourself with up the edge with all you've got
bruise your knuckles on the rocks
Ok. We need to talk about swimming. Going to the pool and running into friends is something most people love.
The feeling of the refreshing air and the warmth of the summer sun just feels so good.
Three pills a day for the rest of my life
Is what I need for my mind to be normal.
There is nothing wrong with that, I know
But some days
I choke
On what feels like the Titanic stuck in my throat
I catch a glimpse of your dimples when you laugh,
Thinking to myself,
Why are you still here?
I watch as you water the garden we planted together,
Thinking to myself,
Why are you still here?
Darkness veils my mind
Just a hostage to self-doubt
The soul yearns for light
Shaken from my sleep
The slumber that slowly kills,
Crumbles and retreats
New day means new choices
My dearest Natalie, Because I love you I tell to change I tell you that you are too fat I tell you that you need to starveI tell you that you will never, ever, be good enough,But it's only because I love you. Because I love you I make you lie Th
She was the child who shyed away from touch.
The child who hated eye contact.
She was a kid who'd perfected the art of
making excuses for school absences
and dodging questions.
Today I am trapped in echoing halls
filled with the smokey darkness.
Unable to see what good lies await.
I can't hear anything besides the calling
the voices of creatures and monsters
I am a canyon carved with water-worn cracks;The weight of other people always breaking my back.
How can you smile
knowing that peopl are dying
because they are sick of trying
to appease the critics,
to appease the man,
to appease the woman,
and those in command.
They are taking their lives
There are softballs in my mouthWhen I look at youEach thought is another home run right into my front teethIt's supposed to be easier to say these wordsBecause I'm a girlI'm supposed to be open with my emotions
Loast at sea,
thats what I am.
A little spec surrounded by swirling water,
barely staying afloat
in this storm.
I call out
and there is no answer
as sharks circle about my capsizing raft.
There are bulldozers on the moon
run by burly men.
They dig through the translucent flesh
pulling up marshmallows
and leaving pools of caked blood.
From down here they form a rabbit
Something I like to remember when I need to cheer up
Is that I was not a part of the plan
I wasn't thought to be possible
Frost invites my fingertips; it beckons my graspEach flake kisses my lids, and paints my lashes to frostMy palms are graced by the snow, a bliss without costI lift my lids, while each step is answered by the snow’s raspEach eye of ebon sueded is
I am alive.
I eat, I breathe, I sleep.
Constantly checking my phone,
Facebook notifications from an ex that doesn't deserve my time,
but I give it to him anyway,
cause' I am alive.
I will not start with once upon a time.
This is not past tense.
This is now.
Every day.
Every second. Every minute.
Looking in the looking glass,
I am a collection of the mistakes and dreams of those that I've loved
A mind that never stops moving, accompanied by a heart that feels every beat and every tear
A soul like mine is fortunate for love
I wake up to disaster. I go to be in loneliness. I spend the whole day in depression.
If you love me then say so, but I wont believe you anyways.
Fear.
A gentle breeze stings.
Failure whispers into your ears.
Hiding is the only peace.
Hiding stops the wind.
Stop.
Stop your hiding.
Rise to challenge the wind
The wind will blow back.
Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast. She's harassed by the forecast of the past. Demons disguised in the form of lovers Until she discovered their true colors. She was used and abused,
I don’t talk a lot At first And I hope that that’s okay But once I know your warmth And feel safe letting words escape When I know they and I don’t annoy you Then I’ll tell you
I am a puppetcontrolled by a soul that is who I wasI feel as creaky as an old wood,covered in skinsheets of tiger like skin with endless scars that screams sin
People in the room as calm as they like. Hiding in the corner anxiety spike. At anytime this horror can occur. Like a terrible dream that has to recur. Entering this hell while walking alone. Sanity melting like an ice cream cone. Tears signalling
Late at night is when you forget how to breathe
Your body freezes and you start taking in short little gasps of air
And it's like you are drowning except there's no water around you
you count the steps you take and hear the breaths you make. you're always aware of yourself and your surroundings. not because you want to avoid the stalkers the creeps or the killers in the jeeps.
I try, I really do
But it never seems enough
It plagues my mind, Day and night
The voice just won’t shut up.
I constantly want more
But at the same time, want less
My thoughts are racing but they only go in circles
They're coming for you
Turn the lights on and off 14 times
You're gonna get pregnant
Smoke another cigarette
They're coming for you
I am too much, too much.
Too quiet they say, too shy
(I'm obnoxious when I talk, it's better this way)
Too rebellious, they say, too passionate
(I'm just trying to find my way, never thought I'd reach 18)
As dawn encroaches, my mind groggily awakens as well as my body. My mind is the first onslaught of war I suffer? Do I want to get out of bed and to go to the gym? I've gained over 40 pounds... I really should. Second, is my body.
Once upon a time,
There was a princess who lived high in a tower.
Her hair blonde and long--a cut or trim, she never did have.
The prince was determined to save her, with his manly power.
I am fifteen years old and I think I own the world.
I have a boyfriend and he loves me.
He yells at me but that is okay, he loves me.
He shoves me but that is okay, he loves me.
Don't you feel the noose of night
slowly tightening around your thoughts.
Sufficating you slowly.
You hold a blade in your hand
slashing at the silence that hides it all...
the things you never said
Was there ever a place the storm had not been?
The storm shrouded everything.
The sea's azure peaks and emerald valleys
Always smothered by an array of greys.
I swallow the pills,
I chase them with the vodka given to me on my birthday 5 months ago.
The tears stop
Everything slows down
My heart begins to slow down
Today is the time for rain,
But it is not the only thing that fell.
Today is the day that it fell from heaven
And fell down to Earth.
As my body starts to shake,
I realize I might begin to hyperventilate.
Taking deep breathes, one by one,
I start to gain control again.
Overwhelmed and full of stress,
I begin to have anxiety attacks.
People say I'm not valid,
people say I should choose,
they don't understand though
I love people not genders.
People say I'm dramatic,
people say I'm just scared,
they don't understand though
I am 16 years old
I’m left handed
I hate my hyphenated last name
And I absolutely hate bananas
I still don’t know how to play video games either
** this poem serves as a voice for those that may struggle to express their depression/anxiety. fill in the blanks with the name of your choice.
The echoing halls are ringing
with the forgotten cries
comming from a raw throat.
Nobody will turn to look at her
as she cries for help,
dying on the inside.
Nobody will hear her
We know how this story goes, my friends-
The Witch, the tower, the Prince in the end-
Sometimes, a Dragon (just for a twist)
Perched tippity top, which is shrouded in mist-
A small bottle
A brush
Heavy paper
Covered in crevices
And teeth
Pressure
It takes pressure
Time creeps by like a spider.
Now,
we are now.
Be still, hold my hand.
We are now, and now is here.
Be here.
In this moment we have nothing else.
As the tears fall,
i fall.
One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four.
Knees weak, I'm laying on the floor.
Blood drips, to life come all my fears.
"Is it all over?" scream all my tears.
It seeps through the rug, bright red.
It’s fragile
Breakable
Something that shatters
Shatters with a touch
A word
A thought
Doubt
Self-doubt
It eats at it
Like a cat
Plays with its food
Like tiny voices
once upon a generation
in my tower
long locks
it mirrors my contempt
and my view is limited
i do not see anything more than lonely wood
but it is not lonely
that is only me
I am terrified
I shelter my heart with my hands
I am terrified
to hurt and to hurt another
I am terrified
I am numb
I am... numb
I am terrified
so please, please don't abandon me darling
i'm sorry i was the disappointment i'm sorry i could never figure my shit outi'm sorry i was such an embarrassment i'm sorry i can't fix myselfi'm sorry i'm the reason for your paini'm sorry i thought i matter i'm sorry i thought i could do someth
i may as well be a dead roseno one dares to water or revive just to throw out with this weeks disasters and garbage my thorns are fighting those who try to stop me but they aren't strong enough to keep me alive. they may protect me but they can ne
Like a little kid
When the lights go out
My soul is dark and scary
This there is no doubt
My brain wages a war it cannot face
The pounding of your fist at the door of my chest
Can no longer withstand what you tell it to
No matter the number of times you use your sultry words to beckon it to life
You told me once that you were fine
I told myself you were right, you’d never lie
I know now where i went wrong
Seeing you today was the reminder you are gone
I am not worried. I wonder if everything is going to be okay. I see what other people go through things I don't want to go through. I want everything to go how I want it. I am not worried.
These scars are not telling you
About some beautiful tragedy.
These scars say
I’m fucked up.
They scream
Hot and Cold
It hurts so bad
This quivering, squirming feeling
Deep in my gut
I almost can't stand it
A need - The Need-
To just make it stop
Make it stop
Make It Stop!
Today. Today I question myself
Who is in my life?
Who cares? and Who holds me back?
The answer awaits
You see, for me to ask that
I would need to understand myself
What do I want?
And I see him in someone's sideways smirk,
someone's endless brown eyes,
someone's smile when they laugh.
her foot never fully touched the ground,remaining half afloat in the air--stuck in the clouded mist of her anxious mind,she could not grasp the full weight of reality
I can't help but think of the moment
When my loved ones will be gone, it will be over
When I won't have a wall or cover
When I lose my final lover
Do you ever remember every negative thing someone has said about you?
Do you want to try and fix yourself for those people who can´t accept you?
I do.
At times, I do hate myself.
We are the jokersThe lonersThe invisible roamersThe insomniac dreamersAnd the at-risk soldiers
sitting here colder, shoulder to shoulder,
Always being told "you'll be better when you're older".
We are the jokersThe lonersThe invisible roamersThe insomniac dreamersAnd the at-risk soldiers
sitting here colder, shoulder to shoulder,
Always being told "you'll be better when you're older".
Nerves Racing.
Heart's Beating.
Why are they starring?
Is it my smile, my body, my hair?
Is it my personailty, Why should they care?
I just want to stop the stares...
Organized Ramblings
A collection of various poems by Kate Emrich
April 29, 2017
All you’ve had to eat for the past 2 days are your own fingernails Skinny girls hip bone wishes You want to be skinny Skinny means pretty Skinny means wanted Skinny means loved Skinny is only a fantasy for you, hoping, praying to lose that 20 poun
I’m sorry that I apologize constantly.
Ironic, right?
It drives my friends crazy
I ruin our fun with my apologies
My conscience tells me:
It is four o’clock in the morning
And I do not have to look at the glowing numbers beside me to know the time.
Every night, it is the same routine:
Close my eyes, try to sleep, and wake up even more exhausted.
I am an introvert
No I’m not a creepy psychopath
Who watches people from my upstairs bedroom window
I attend events
Sometimes
My bed has always played savior
as I sought refuge from my thoughts,
seeking asylum from my sanctioned brain,
I thought secrecy was my only option.
I thought a safe haven was where I dreamed
covered in dark sheets to hide the blood that I bleed.
The sad part is how easy it would be
to just give it all up.
To forget the work
to forget the dream
the sweat
the blood
the tears.
It is a matter of will they say
There are thingsSome people don't understandLike the struggleOf depressionAnd anxiety
It's different for everyone
How am I supposed to sleep
when my brain will not shut up?
How am I supposed to shut it up
when I don't even know what it is thinking?
So tell me anxiety what it is that you say,
We laugh and play in the rain
as it soaks through our clothe
each drop clinging to our skin
like the morning dew upon the grass.
We look up and smile at the ashened clouds
I sit here alone in the dark
staring out the window
counting fading stars
waiting.
Waiting for dreams that will never come true
Waitig for promises to be pursued
I constantly feel seasick
Because I'm inadvertently cautious,
Awaiting dangers that don't exist.
I go to bed early, feeling nauseous.
I'm sitting in the safety of solitude for now,
Heavy breathing
pounding heart
sweaty palms
shaky arms
A worried mind and no place to hide
When dawn arrives,
the sun will rise,
and the light will shine so bright,
trying to greet the fleeting night.
It leaks gold in most places,
and fills eery dark spaces,
Taking a deep breath and jumping off the ledge
or cutting my wrists with a straightedge
seemed to be the only way out
Thats just the way I saw it
Suicidal tendencies cured by a make believe afterlife
It is knowing you did everything
with what you had while still questioning
what more you could've done,
why you didn't try more,
how you could've done better,
when exactly you said or did the wrong thing.
Every morning when I wake, I have to fight a dragon
It is a fierce thing, that claws at me and pushes me down
Weighing me with thoughts on the coming day and what might go wrong
The excitement grows like a great inhale
Watching the glass ceiling’s break come to bear
Friends around me ensuring sense will prevail
Yet nothing comes to stop the hate in the air
Some days you are a puddle
barely rippling
in the steady breeze,
broken on the edges
where cracks took you away.
These times you will feel defeated,
Welcome to the carnival of life
Where brilliance shines, flashing lights
Where memories are our currencies
Where affection is shared like cotton candy
Where strength is measured in courage
Welcome to the carnival of life
Where brilliance shines, flashing lights
Where memories are our currencies
Where affection is shared like cotton candy
Where strength is measured in courage
Eighth grade: The first time I remember feeling
That attack of anxiety consume me
Making my heart freeze, my body tense, my mind frantic.
Like a storm it passed:
You call to me in the night,
A silent black monolith of blue light,
Looming in my waking thoughts and dreams,
Punching buttons and tapping strings,
The world I think is dull and grey,
I’m fed up with feeling like I’m failing
I’m fed up with shooting for the moon and landing in the mud
I'm fed up with the pictures, the size I’m supposed to be
Tell me a secret.
Tell me something no one else knows.
Tell me something no one else understands.
Tell me a secret.
Come here. Closer. Closer.
Do you wanna know a secret?
How beautiful it is
To live everyday breathing the warm/cold air of mother nature
I find it fascinating how we simply are living.
Look at those trees; so tall ,with many years
I have reached a point in my life where
I wake up most days feeling somewhere between “okay” and so goddamn happy
That I feel like a kid climbing a tree who has just reached a branch
I spent my years of sanity
On thought to be usefull things,
But now I find myself up to my neck in anxiety
So I follow every dream thats chased
I arrive at the scene.
A reported disorderly conduct, undeniably located inside of my brain.
'Surprised' is not a word to describe my reaction to find the two suspects.
Depression and Anxiety.
I'm with her and feel at ease
No
That's a lie
I want to write something to convince myself
That her is you
But it's not
If I kiss her I miss you
She’s only human and there’s nothing extraordinary about her,
Except the fact that she’s dead and nobody knows.
Lying in her grave she awakes every day,
One, two, three
let me lay in bed and count.
four, five, six
the mistakes I've made with you.
seven, eight, nine
I would take them all back.
ten, eleven, twelve
each one just as bad as the last.
before it was easy
the homework was less
the new place made me queasy
i developed stress
my grades were under
waking in the morning was a fight
my world was full of thunder
The phone is ringing, but the sound falls further and further awayMy mind is spinning, the words I hear each and every day:"Stop wasting your time, stop worrying so much"
My sad old friend
visits so often
and years ago she came to stay
We grew fond of the dark
inspired by tears
I'd grow anxious when she was away
My dark lovely friend
sits in my image
I hear her scream
I hear her tiny footsteps in the hallow way
Her shallow breathing quickening my heart
She is an empty shell of the person I knew
Her soft skin that used to soothe me is abused by her confusion
She is not me; I am not her. Her voice shakes when she speaks, her screams are unheard. I live life on the edge while she stays in bed, and only moving around when she’s trying to get out of her head. Her mind is her home, her heart is a stone, a
Tears are slowly accumulating
At the corner of my eye
I hold my stomach aching in pain
Each successive breath is slowly becoming too difficult to make
If last year
The dreaded 2016 that everyone treats as a beast, is a story
Then the beginning would be January
This poem, by that extension, is my rendition of this story
Darkness fills the world around me, trapping me within its confined space that seems never ending.
It tightens itself around me, putting pressure on my chest and compressing down until I feel my lungs on the brim of a burst.
I've been having nightmares about you after the sun leaves the sky,
Every. Single. Freaking. Night.
Telling myself that the info received is dry,
would be telling myself a lie: I repeat, my nightmares are not lies.
He was first there in the spring when I took a jump.
He watched my every move and kept me lined up.
He never did leave, no, he insisted on staying.
He stayed with me until it became intoxicating.
I'm done,
but
I want more,
though
I'm tired
and overworked
my eyes have got luggage and
my head has begun to hurt
I'm getting by on mania
I need to sleep, my brain is fried
My emotions are bottled up inside
I’ve gone too long, I can’t turn back
God, I wish it could all just fade to black
I want to forget
about all of my
doubts, worries, and fears
because then there
would be no distractions
from the
My soul has died again today
Yet since I haven’t shed a tear
Maybe it’s because I don’t pray
Yet I will laugh as well as fear
My soul is born again tonight
Dreams
Elusive, Incorporeal
Whispering, Twisting, Fleeting
Hopes, Fears, Friends, Family
Shaping, Teaching, Loving
Painful, Happy
Memories
The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself waffles with the waffle iron I convinced my mother to buy when I was
twelve, with a side of fruit I bought at a road side produce stand.
This year has been the same
more or less.
I told myself; 2016 was my year,
but that never happened.
It was the same as every year.
I'll tell you why
I have two best friends
A year ago today, I was living my life in fear.
I didn't know where I was going to go after high school,
And I didn't know what I was going to do.
As the seasons change so do I.
less and less do I feel the need to lie.
one year ago today.
I was letting the stress of life weigh.
Feeling like i needed to make the world happy.
I was left feeling crappy.
Heleena and Anxiety Take on 2016!
December 31st, 2015.
Time goes fast, almost too fast.
A new year a new me.
Exhalation is the flow,
Of my body, my mind, and my soul,
Of the respiratory current out,
Into the air about.
The deep breathes I take,
Will help calm the mistakes,
That I've only made in my mind.
Rambunctious, angsty,
How was I supposed to know-
They all left by the next year and I sat there fuming, loathing and yet-
I tipped a bottle in honor of my pride thinking. "It's fine, everyone does it don't be a-"
Water
Only clear
Loose and cascading over my body
I cannot breathe
I cannot speak
Cannot
Will not open my eyes
I am drowning
Voices collide
Suffocating me
I had a friend named Fear
He was present in any social situation I faced
He quickened the beat of my heart, saying it was out of love and grace
They ask me what's wrong ?
How come your so sad ?
but then I blow it off and deflect ..........
"oh its nothing " " really its nothing like that !
Then all of a sudden I'm left panicking SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE
I am courageous and hopefulI wonder if I will ever truly recoverI hear my ED and OCD thoughtsI see a possible future without recovery and that scares meI want recovery and freedomI am courageous and hopeful
I want to love you
I really do
But I am scared
Please understand why I hesitate
It is not because of you
It is because of me
Something like this is not easy
I stay when they go
She never liked the way her clothes fit on top of the skin that also never fit quite right. Her hands had always held things too tight and her feet could never run fast enough. She was either too much or too little for a demanding world.
I’m worn and withered from being this bird.
Of fire and ash, ash and fire.
Over and over, morning-born,
evening ebbing.
Waking up weary in the fluttering, frail flakes
burned paper, song, and skin.
The last time the leaves turned orange
I didn’t take notice
Because I was too busy being sad
And crying myself to sleep at night
And wondering why
At the back of one’s mind lies a pond
Whose smooth surface is pleasantly unperturbed
By the glittering schools of fish that flash
Beneath the crystalline blue waters.
Although there are times
I once was able to breathe
To see the world
To go outside and smile
Now I pray to stop
To close my eyes
And stay in my room and suffer
The healing is slow
But I try
“They’re talking about you.”
“You’re not good enough”
“They don’t really like you.”
“You’re going to fail.”
The shakes, the nerves, the trembles of absolute fear I feel in the tiny hands attached to me.
They control me. They make one motion that consumes my focus entirely.
I am drowning in a sea of my anxiety.
Brain constructs phrases and sentences
Sends the information to the gaping hole
It’s detailed and thorough
Black hole receives it and ruins it effectively
I started with a frown
My year already felt down
I was in a trap
Under wraps
I saw fear right in front of me
Every day it would come
To take my happiness away
I woke up on the the first of January, single, but what else was new?
Then I realized that 2016 was the last of a few;
years called high school that everyone loves to remember,
2016 was such a difficult yearI started with ache.My relationship wasn't doing well,And there was too much distanceSo we decided to break.
Last year, I thought I was getting smaller,
but, in 2017, I've been standing taller.
My friends and family have been there
when my anxiety has been too much to bear.
Anxiety has been there in the beginning,
Sorry for existing
I want to say
but I know you won't understand
you'll try to fix me with your words
"don't say that, you are worth everything"
the only kind of worth I have stings when I try to wear it
I wonder how many unsuspected,
blank expressions
I have filled;
in the background of a memory
held dear to a stranger
that I never gave my assent to.
A stranger alone I have traveled in glee
“yeah, I used to get panic attacks myself.” my ease surprises me. I’m relaxed, not like the calm before a storm when havoc is about to wreak. just calm. no storm.
I never thought something invisible
could run my every day.
Anxiety is like a water balloon,
it fills and fills until finally
it explodes
blurring your vision
drenching every part of you.
It’s been a long time coming
But we’re finally okay
We know we deserved this sooner
But we’ll take what we can get
But just as all the pieces seem to fall right into place
today is the day i learn acceptance
i learn to tame the ferocious beasts inside me
not by beating them into submission, or leaving them in cages
until i hope they starve or wither or grow old and die
Static:
all consuming,
never fading.
Like the buzz of cicadas,
never dissapating.
I inhale but the air never reaches my lungs.
Dread, despair, and stress: over-run.
You kiss my lips,
Floating pages in the wind,
Some words written on my skin.
Yes I was born into sin,
But where do I truly begin?
Maybe I lost myself in all the books,
Pages upon pages was all it took.
Drawing
Drawing myself
From the inside out
Sheltered by bone,
Veiled in
Cream colored Flesh,
My hand holds my pencil
Grabbing, clawing,
reaching, climbing,
running. struggling to get out, away,
free, from this monster
that is consuming you, hunting you, suffocating you.
Try on
My shoes and see
This made up life you claim
I lead. These fake monsters inside
My head.
I lie.
You say. They are
Chipped nails, relieved breaths
I let go of filing, and painting and repeating
Two years of ink, deep breathes
All for a sheet of paper, it hangs on my wall
New room, cold breaths
One step forward
Two steps back
Is this ever true
One move closer
Two backtracks
Creates new paths for you
One truth found
Two lies learned
Measuring your ability to fail
Failing to conquer your fears
Fears that consume you
You are breathless, speechless, lifeless
Lifeless for a lifetime
A small, quiet sadness found its way into my chest
I soon watched myself become even more depressed.
A companion to the sadness very soon came around
Anxiety covered my mouth and induced another breakdown.
I'm like a bird who tries to soar, but can't be able to fly anymore.
Fighter of this clan who needs to make a stand.
I struggle to break free, with a world of possibilities to admire from up close.
(Hi! In this piece of writing, I use the singular 'they' to refer to one person, the subject of the poem, who has anxiety. I did this to keep the person's gender neutral. If this is confusing to anyone, sorry!
Timid
Shy
Afraid
Anxiety.
Curious
Focused
Freedom
Anxiety.
As I grow and evolve, I am always left with one thing
Anxiety.
A year in the life of Sarah Smith
Sometimes I felt like a myth
Had a rough time starting out
Hitting the floor and blacking out
Living in a room of isolation
Contemplating my creation
My body is a metal cage, a stage name—
I call it ME.
Maybe I should call it THE THING TO BE CONTROLLED.
My body is a safety net, the one that I like falling into
Most of the time.
I wasn't meant to be beautifulI wasn't meant for the pleasing of your eyesor the stirring of your inner loveI am meant to set a fire beneath youto make you quake in your boots
Breathin’ in, I know I’m breathin’ in;Breathin out, I know I’m breathin’ out;I do not seek the doubt, I’m freedom bound;But the pain inside’s got me feelin’ down;Please give me the love of Jesus now;
As a child, I hated swimming.
I was always alone,
My small legs and arms seemingly paddling endlessly,
Muscles reaching a point of exhaustion,
And a feeling of emptiness growing inside me.
and i have anxiety terrors, you know, the ones that have you shooting upright at two in the morning because
oh shit, you said something that maybe your friend thought was rude?
a breath: in, out
again, faster
faster still, until they stop coming
release
a noise in my head
it rushes
like a tide, pulled by the moon
like blood, pumping through my veins
i want ideas to fall from every pore on my facei want my split ends to be riddled with quotesi want my broken nails covered in goldi want my cracked broken lips healed with cementi want my harsh voiced laced with silk
A blade seems friendly
It is anything but
A manipulating tool
And in my head it now haunts.
It once kicked away the Numbness
That stalked my daily life
And locked away Anxiety
I feel as though I’m trapped inside a box.
I try my hardest to beat down the walls,
But the ticking of clocks gets louder.
The overwhelming exhale as I awake from a nightmare, those endless encounters with the fear of isolation, only drives me to become a more compelling individual who's mind is yet to be freed from torment and confusion. 'Expect the unexpected' the c
The overwhelming exhale as I awake from a nightmare, those endless encounters with the fear of isolation, only drives me to become a more compelling individual who's mind is yet to be freed from torment and confusion. 'Expect the unexpected' the c
theres a man in my head
he made his own bed
he puts fear in my brain
and ice in my veins
he pulls me from the people i love most
and pushes me towards ones i hate most
When he came into my life
Everything changed like never before
I became someone I despised
I dressed differently
I stopped talking to the people around me
I even strayed away from my classes
That girl
you see that girl over there
the girl with the naive face
the one who trust everyword you say
Anxiety is a hypocrite,
the pain and worry illogical to reality.
The heaviness of the world overwhelms me,
but what is one supposed to do?
Of course its just an over reaction,
a dramatized consciousness.
The room reeked of the smell
Of my parent’s disownment,
Once again
I was back in crazy town.
They didn’t understand
We are all just trying to find out place in the world.
From being overtaken by demons,
To becoming free men,
We all share a moments of weaknesses.
The air feels thick and there’s a weight on my chest.
It’s getting harder to breath has seconds pass.
Not matter how hard I try,
I can’t seem to get the weight off.
I am now struggling to breathe.
I am overwhelmed at times
with a sudden wave of urgency.
A pressure builds up inside of me
and leaves me with only the racing thump
of my heartbeat and heaves of breath
from my crushed lungs.
You were there...
When the sun didn't shine,
And the rain fell like my tears.
When the nights were plaugued
Flooded with my fears.
When my anxiety ruled my life,
And living with depression was a fight.
I reached out to the sun, but he burned me
No matter how I approached, I was scorched.
The sun seemed to burn brighter each day for months
I wanted to be close, to feel the warmth
Write what you know, they say.
Write what you know. What do I know?
I don't know how to trust (you can thank my dad for that)
I don't know how to seperate dreams from reality
I should be exhausted
I am exhausted
Both physically and mentally
Physically, not so much
Mentally, too much
This world is filled with mental exhaust
I am one of them
Can rest cure this
Changed because of this
Stayed the same because of that
In the darkest place
Mental health eating me alive
My uncontrollable mind enjoying the taste of my tears
My aching heart yearning for love
Anxious mind,
Anxious heart,
Yearning to see
The World.
Always telling myself
Don't talk to them,
Don't say a word,
I’ve heard, my dear, that you aren’t okay.
I’ve heard you crying, I’ve heard you say:
“I give up, I tell you. I surrender my soul.”
But I promise you that one day, you will be whole.
Golden hair on brown skin--unPalatable.
Unfilled eyebrows, sparse as this country's humanity--indolEnt
Fierce disease causes cruel brusing on body--compLains she has bed bugs.
It’s a specific side.
The one with frayed edges where
Paper fibers are disrupted from the interwoven
Pattern of rules calculated to win points.
No one can see the perfect matrix.
recalling bad memories
is like unknowingly walking through a minefield
and suddenly you cant yield
so your mind flies
as your body stays behind
and you know before you see it
I know I can’t compete with the stars.
What there is to see in the stars is endless.
I see the constellations and am reminded of a structure I can’t maintain.
A year ago...
the thought brings me pain
it reminds me of who I was
selfish, lost, angry, sad.
Who was I?I was a shell of who I am
apathetic and blind to hope.
Then my love met me in the summer
Anyone who's been on a roller coaster can tell you,
there are ups and downs and loops and twists.
For the thrill-seekers, it's a rush but
for the fearful, the worst part is knowing that
i.
you're cold.
two cats on your lap. a dog at your side.
messages awaiting on your phone
it's not plugged in.
you aren't plugged in.
please be okay.
how are things going?
The ripples leave
spots across the water
disrupting
the flow of sequence.
Jags start to bloom
and the water sprays
farther
making it harder to
ever catch a breath.
How do u explain to someone you cant hangout . "anxiety bad today" wont come out the mouth
Laying in bed , not wanting to get off the couch
The pounding of the drum at the end of the percussion line resonates through the air.
The powerful vibrations tickle my skin when standing too close,
The steady bam, bam, bam echoes through the quiet room.
I'm a retreatist, someone that lives to run away.
Since I was a small boy I've been running as fast as these legs could take me
But when shit hit the fan all my hiding spaces faded away
It began with the eagerness of hope,
the longing, burning, raging need to reach
the unattainable—that gift which I
never thought I would call my own. There were
scars still, written across my arms like a
It’s always been terrifying to me…
What could possibly lie underneath the serene rapids of the Gulf of Napoli
Normally a peaceful town my family originated from.
You didn't know that when you met me,I was sad.You didn't know when you met me that I didn't know how sad I actually was.You didn't know that when you
A year ago today
The end of October
A happy girl stood on a scale and saw the number had dropped
Joy filled her!
Soon she had to buy all new jeans because all of hers were to big
Size 8! Isn't that great!
A year ago, I was scared.
I was always nervous, shaking, nothing could've compared
to the feelings I've felt every day, hour, minute,
emotions that always gave me a limit
on what I could do and maintain.
In one teardrop, you lose your sense of self.
In one teardrop, your heart left me a key.
In one teardrop, you take that picture off the shelf.
Trying to find who I am
Has never been more difficult;
With depression and anxiety,
Sexuality and gender
How will I ever figure it out?
I am the lust child of a rock and a sad place
They go by depression and self-destructive tendencies
They make loud love in the darkest crevices of my mind
My school life is getting hectic
My anxiety is overflowing
From microbiology to my nursing courses
My panic starts clearly showing
I think I’ve had enough
My stress has reached the max
You know the days aren't so bad when you can wake up without any struggle.And actually look decent.
I sit quietly in a desk working on my homework. Conversations are becoming ramp just like how my worries are increasing. Don't worry I tell myself. It's all good. You have it under control. More thoughts, more worries.
In this day in time it is hard to find a way to express your sorrow.
But in my mind; if you dance, you'll be fine; and all you dread will be gone tomorrow.
The struggle to put into wordsThe thoughts that run in my mind like a herd.Shall I speak of my life?Or a fictional lie?Wh
Trying to write what i feel
Putting emotions into words
Trying to explain these things
I dont even know what they are
When the words won’t come out
Happiness
Fake smiles
Fake laugh
Fake happy
Fake
Negative/Negative/Negative
No,
Nephews hugging me
Parents hugging me
Sisters hugging me
Friends hugging me
As a child, I endured extreme anxiety
once my adolescent body found itself
incarcerated by the unforgiving
darkness of the night.
If I am lost in a storm of doubts or a cloud of fear, call Lindsey.
If I cannot find the will to go on, get Maggie.
If I am in need of light or laughter, text Isabelle or Michelle.
Words, shuffling
Perfect ballet
Ribbons, ribbons, ribbons
Choreographed anarchy
Compressing thoughts into a tight tight ball
Until I can't tell what's what
What is what
What is what
Waves
You couldn't hear it at first
It slowly bubbles up from inside
It grows
The boisterous thunder rattling your bones
Only you can hear it
Faces that mean nothing stare back at you
You couldn't hear it at first
It slowly bubbles up from inside
It grows
The boisterous thunder rattling your bones
Only you can hear it
Faces that mean nothing stare back at you
I keep coming back to you
even after all the shit you've put me through
I try to stay away and guard myself
but I can't, and I won't
you're poisonous to my health
now things get worse
there are days i shake.
not like a leaf on a tree;
not like a nervous voice.
nothing like poetry.
there is no nostalgia in the way my body quivers.
Inhale.
Fingers tucked under the hem of my dress,
Heart echoing the clapping enveloping my ears
I want to disappear.
On Monday, she’s weary, teary, and unsure. She is sure that she’ll be able to fake a smile, but unsure if her friends and family will know it’s fake.
Don't believe the smiles you see plastered upon my faceThese smiles are empty smiles They hold no promiseThey hold no joyBehind the smiles there is painBehind the smiles there are tearsBehind the smiles there is a girl, a boy, or whatever I choose
Profile: Hello!
I enjoy literature, comic books,
And nerdy T.V. shows.
I like to swim, dance, hike, and draw.
My name is Ariel.
I can’t explain,
This level of pain.
I can’t stop crying,
It’s like I’m dying.
Everything is shaking, even my teeth,
The hardest thing to do is get up.
out of the hole, or on some peoples minds, out if bed.
When you sleep you have no worries, you can dream away; but reality is still there.
a chill slips up the cord of my spine
as unwanted thoughts roam the lining of my mind
hands fidget and legs shake
if i can't find control now, i might just break
i used to think this wasn't that bad
Deep,
Deep,
Blue.
Blue hands.
Blue lips.
Blue lungs.
Blue hearts.
Sinking down.
To the vast blue ocean
Of my stomach.
Strangled.
The girl who doesn't speak,
The boy who may seem meek,
The child with the brightest smile,
That only lasts for a little while,
Someday will will come clean,
Everything isn't what it seems,
The mind of a human…
Split in half
With creativity and logicIt interests me, so I zoom in,
10 days:No blade,no blood.
20 days:I'm tired,I'm sad,I want my blade.
30 days:I can't have my blade,I can't put a sharp object on my skin,am I finally clean?
There's a person sitting right behind me
And I can feel their eyes piercing through the back of my head
Looking at my scalp
The part with no hair
The part that I was pulling at for two hours last night
My hands are about
as cold and dead
as they can be
without actually being dead.
My hair is about
as long as can be
without actually being long.
My thighs are about
My hands are about
as cold and dead
as they can be
without actually being dead.
My hair is about
as long as can be
without actually being long.
My thighs are about
The reflection
wants me to die.
The reflection
wants me to starve.
The Reflection
wants to be loved.
The Reflection
wants to change.
The reflection
wants to be changed.
She came and went.
as if it were easy
for all of us
to stand back and
watch.
Faster, slower, stop.
the water continued
dripping
collecting
cascading towards
A dreary flower wilts away
when the water and sun have gone.
Depression sets in and attempts to stay.
From internal thoughts does it spawn.
This is our wrestling mat.
It isn’t much to see.
Sort of furrowed yet flat.
The number of soles it has held has given it a soul.
It was what nobody suspect,
And denial begins,
Because how could a girl like me
Who has everything
Fall into this pit of darkness?
Is it really my fault
That I may be depressed?
The week has just started
And I'm drowning in a flood
Of papers and anxiety
In homework and insomnia.
The halls are much too crowded,
There is no spaces in the rooms,
My head is over crowded
I miss the cloudy days
When the sky was nice and grey,
A sad smile upon my face.
What happened to the rain?
The sky has been to bright,
With the warm sunshine
Glowing upon the smiling faces
Have I ever wished
to dive into a ravine?
I would have said no.
I'm forced to say yes.
What were once my sweetest dreams
crash upon the rocks.
Drain the mania;
My heart is best decribed
as being a bird in a bottle,
with fleeting wings beating
against glass lungs.
It sits on the border
of yesterday's panic
and tomorrow's desperation,
I wish i could show you,
What this really means,
I wish I could tell you,
How I really feel,
I wish you would listen,
But my voice is too small to hear.
I want to raise my voice,
The demons live,
They live inside me.
They tell me not to eat,
They tell me to cut.
They tell me I'm not good enough,
They tell me nobody cares.
And I can't escape them,
'Calm down.''You're fine.''What's wrong?''Will you please talk?''I want to understand what your anxiety is about.''How's it feel?'
Zero. The age when life is simple.
Life in the moment, past and present, absent.
Time is a concept yet to be discovered,
Numbers possess no value.
Smiles and laughter fill the days,
I was eight years old when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I said, I want to be a singer. I want to be pretty, I want to be popular.
I'm shaken, I'm shaking
but not from the thunder
pretty soon then, my heart booms
but not from the lightning
The weather outside is nothing compared
to the way I feel when anxious, hyper, and scared
If I were.
If I were weak,
I wouldve given up by now,
Surrendered to drugs, illness, demons, devil.
If I were them,
I would've run.
Surely I'm beyond, understanding now,
my core, it bubbles.
the fire is intensifying,
the heat is unsatisfying.
water boils in my chest,
and my mind with its thoughts
My thoughts are poisonously hot
They rise to my mind
Building pressure
Leaving my chest tight and empty
No air
Others will try
To breathe back life into my veins
But it all rises back
I am just a traveler in want of a little rest
I had been blending through a city of the oppressed
Dimming me down to the filthy ground
Screaming at me, they surround
The watchmaker is not personally fond of watches, in fact he loses track of what time it is quite often. He has nothing against clocks mind you, he just does not particularly enjoy them, they're just clocks.
I live in a bright world
where everything is bright
but
it's so bright that it hurts my eyes.
I want to live in darkness
where the light will never reach me.
Yet I am scared of the dark creatures
Chest hurting
mind burning
the feeling
the yerning
I cant breathe
I cant think
heart racing
chest aching
mind blanking
hopes fading
I walk up
I step up
Silence.
Violence.
Idelness.
Trying to hide;
to hide what I feel.
Its too easy to lie.
She'll eventually break.
They will finally all know
that her smile is fake.
It's too bad I'm not a mas-o-chisttie me down like i asked-for-this
I'm screamingI'm strandedAbdicatedAbandoned
No. Free. Will.
Salt is an accessory, not to be consumed aloneBut, salt is bitterShrewd white crystals that should be used in moderationBut I ate too muchClumps grasp at the walls of my throat
When Depression took control,
Its first mate Anxiety at its right hand,
Nothing could be done.
Years had spun by,
Logic as my guide,
Emotion an alien concept.
i was 18 when i learned to spiral out of control, when i learned what a car crash felt like and how it hurt to hit rock bottom and not want to get back up. i was eighteen when depression hit like a freight train, when i lashed out at love and lear
What sweet relief
Found only under
The sweet ministrations
Of razor’s edge,
Noose’s end and
Pill bottle bottom.
Poetry found me by my bedside table,
heart contained within a dimly lit mind,
I could not find the light switch.
Poetry found a foolish girl,
one with storybook hands,
As day turns into night,I start to lose my might,And even though I try,That doesn't mean I like to lie.
I'll always still fall,And I'll never stand tall.These words may hurt,As if I fell in the dirt.
Today I woke up
Thoughts pass through my head
thinking thoughts I had been thinking of being dead
I am not dead, I am alive
But this does not settle a broken mind
Sleep tugs me, these days, at so many moments
Into its soft embrace.
I remember when I was young, I would fight it
Worried about wading through life
Slow and dreamlike
Brick by brick, all in place
I pave the roads, through time and space
I know not where, my feet will fall
Yet still I try, to pave them all
Till I have spent, all my days
Paving roads, going different ways
What is worse than breaking a promise,
One you made to a friend?
Breaking the one you made to yourself.
I made myself a promise long ago,
When the world seemed open
That I would be okay.
Smokey room filled with chills,
Empty bottles, and pills.
Today's fears are tomorrows tears.
She feels Euronymous creep in,
As he shatters every seam.
Today she is seen but tomorrow dreamed.
The statement "it looks good on college applications" is hammered into me
until it becomes a branding, programmed into my brain cells
I can’t breathe
I can’t see
Feeling so lost
No light to guide me
I have fallen
Fallen deeper into the grave
I can’t escape
From this pain
You can take my wings
It's dark. /I cannot rest. / No longer can I weep. / With eyes too dry and mind too weak. / My heart pumps fast, / I want to cry. / Anxiety attacks, no telling why. / Exhausting depression creeps in with the sun.
It should just roll off the tongue, right?
It should jsut come natural.
But not always. Almost never.
It likes to get stuck between your teeth,
Or roll over once, twice, three times more.
Not a word they saidUnspoken words hung aboutPain inside but smiling withoutShe said goodnightAnd away she wentHe asked her to stayTo explain why she leftBut inside she was simply falling apartFeeling nothing is not what they sayNothing is so much
Questions/Anxiety.
It flows through my veins like venom;
Pouring out like the tears of a waterfall.
Help!
Help me find my answers.
Help me I’m lost.
My own words have been stuck
Between esophagus and windpipe too many times before
Leading to glassed over eyes and lost attentions
You have to understand these knots of fragmented declarations choke me.
Outside,
Pristine
Joyful laughter and witty comments are her body
hair shines with intelligence,
sole thick with confidence.
She knows her world and the one before her
I feel so detached, watching the scene happening
How could these blue scrubs be mine? This wristband?
I feel so detached, watching the scene happening
How could these blue scrubs be mine? This wristband?
Meeting new people makes me anxious.
My hands fidget,
My eyes sweat.
Wait switch that around!
My thoughts aren’t straight,
Neither is my back.
My thoughts aren’t straight.
I already said that…
A small, meek girl with brown eyes and braids
Expressing her creativity through words on a page
Teachers commented, "quite ambitious for the second grade"
She simply released frustations with writing rather than rage
I stopped looking for monsters under the bedWhen I came to see they lived in my headWhoever tells of a monster that hidesNever had one to abide besideOh, full of scorpions is my mind
Fear, overwhelming pain
God, I can't believe I'm experiencing these emotions, am I even sane?
Happiness becomes a drug, you're left for dead with a single tug
I’m no prodigious poet.
In fact I’m quite the odd bird,
I’m always delving deeper
into ideas others find absurd.
As my father crossed oceans
I fell onto my knees;
anxiety and depression:
I became a poet when I was born
I became an artist when I died
Putting ink to the paper
helped me feel what was inside
As a babe I saw everything around me
I'd lose sleep so as not to miss a thing
For years and years and years I thought,
“Oh, I just can’t wait ‘til I’m grown up!”
“I’ll go wherever I want and do as I please.
I am 14 and I am sinking to the bathroom floor for the third time this week.
I read all the instructions,
Filled out all the forms,
But still I have fallen behind.
I never speak up in class,
Her skin: soft as the edge of her sword
And her hair: carved from the volcanic ashes.
Her heart: away from advancing toward
His hardline lips; and her faint eyelashes:
Disguising keys to his grave, shallow as--
"The brighter the shadow the darker the light I try to cover it up with the viceIs that giving up the fight Bait from the or maybe gift from christ Either way I won't take a bite
You want a perfect poem. With a beginning, middle, and end.A perfect little thing that makes you feel fantastic with a good ending.Of nature, that makes you see the light of things that can't be seen.That is not this poem. Beginning.
I made this bed
Here for two
I wait an hour
I can't move
I want him here
He said he'd try
I know he is
I can't cry
Its not fair
He's so great
In the abyss
a crevice of black
I curl my neck
ready to attack
With inked rapiers
in my claws
I slash and stab
hoping for renewal
Half awake
my sore back sprouts
Do you see me?
Do you feel me?
Can you feel the pain, the ache inside of me?
'Cause I'm alone fearful to hope.
Terrified I'll drown and no one will be home.
So I just wander inside my head,
35 mph.
Why am I here.
42 mph.
I am nothing.
57 mph.
Everyone would be happier. I’m a miserable person.
64 mph.
I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t anymore.
I can't tell if the war between
acceptance and fear is raging
around me or inside of me.
Cries for peace surpass my lips, but
my voice isn't loud enough.
With so much to say,
I’m having a panic attack, help.
My chest heaves, and I can’t quite breathe.
Help, please, I plead.
Silently I wait for my negative thoughts to disappear.
Anxiety and me
Go hand in hand with my sexuality and me
I am not straight
And I am not gay
I am somewhere in the in-between
I drove through shaded green canopies
To the boundary of land and water,
And as I tiptoed across crumbled rock
Careful
Not to fill my shoes with grain,
The sour smell that lingered
Between sand and sky
I walk down the empty road as a single car glides past
I keep my head down as to avoid eye contact
I wonder if they saw my eyes, how they are filled with fear.
Not many people understand what the problem is here.
5 A.M.
The alarm clock goes off
like a fire alarm
waking me from my dream state.
I stumble through the labyrinth
gathering my stuff and getting dressed.
When it rains it pours they say,
So go and find your zen;
Even if for a moments time,
Peace will reign again.
He stares at his ceiling
It's half past four
It's paranoia he's feeling
He looks at his door
No one will come
Yet, he still tries to run
Away from his demons
They scare him a ton
With stress of home
Rain clouds formed;
My head became a thunderstorm.
All these mantras,
Words,
Beliefs,
Filled my head
Like popping corn.
Until one day,
The top flew off,
Gazing at the sad sorrowed remains
of what once was a person.
Now finding beauty in destruction
theres no chance of being saved.
Ink starting to flow out
like the tears that burned my face
I wish I was a bird.I could fly far away and never come back.I would finally be happy, and this depression I have I would finally lack.I would soar higher than any bird has before.
I wish I was a bird.I could fly far away and never come back.I would finally be happy, and this depression I have I would finally lack.I would soar higher than any bird has before.
I’m picking puzzle pieces to preach the perfect purpose of why I’m trying to whittle and woo
These wondrous words Into an artwork,
It pounds through
My bloodstream
Paralyzing
And choking
I can't see
Anymore
What's important
It sits in the back
Waiting for me
To notice
But I'm stuck
At the front
It's one AM, and here I am. Nearly crying myself asleep again. But life goes on, and the tears will dry. But inside my heart, it feels necessary to cry. The darkness of night scares me. Nothing's inside of it, I'm just scared of what could be.
People are always getting ready for tomorrow,
But tomorrow never gets ready for them.
In fact, it doesn't even know they are there.
They choose and anxiety -
Or rather,
An anxiety chooses them -
Anxiety
was diagnosed to him.
Bipolar
was diagnosed to her.
If he takes his meds,
he will be alright.
If she takes a couple more,
she won't make it tonight.
Anxiety is crippling
Shaking, gasping, the world seems to spin
The smallest things trigger it
Do you know how long it's been?
since I've actually had a calm
Knees weak, eyes tearing
Being free from my thoughts is something I've found impossible to do.
I feel as if my mind is caged like the animals at the zoo.
I want to be able to conquer my hindering fear, but the demons in my head are incredibly near.
The clock ticks slowly
Yet fast and maliciously
Time is running out
No time to flee
Heart hammering
Breath quickening
Bones paralyzed
Quaking with fear
In shoes that are
We are all bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding it.
We pull up our hoods and hide away. You don't even look our way.
While you see headphones, we hear the music.
1. Strip down to nothing in your bathroom. Avoid looking into the mirror. Remember everything you’re feeling isn’t real, this is all just some messed up dream you’re living don’t let the dream mess you up too
It was nice seeing you today, and yesterday, and on my birthday, basically I see you all the time. Do I enjoy when you show up?, No. I absolutely hate you. I cannot be myself when you are around.
There is this deep, evasive emptinessthat never ceases to lack control.That conquers and escapes,that stirs quiet chaos in my soul.
Sometimes
the darkness overwhelms me,
constricting my lungs
until I forget what it's like to breathe deeply. Sometimes
the darkness consumes me,
eating away at my happiness
I wonder...
At what point
did I start worrying about my looks;
hating how my body doesn't fit me,
and finding all the small,
horrible details?
At what point
The Fallen Angel is Dying-- The pain comes in strides
Chained down to Earth, left alone; tortured by her other side
Her wings--they droop to shame, as sound stops and begins
They don't know about it.
The anxiety I face.
When I have to go to a place,
Where I know little to no people.
From working at the restaurant,
To a party at my friend's place.
You and I were like fire and gasoline,
each time we saw each other, you inflamed me
my mind, my soul, my heart was alive
but then the depression hit me and I was just trying to survive.
addicted to zoning out
but still learning about growing out
my mind is always filled with doubt
as I drop the ashes into the grout
I wonder why I'm a social drought
Not to rain on your parade
But I’m not the fragile crybaby you think I am.
You see,
Suicidal thoughts weight a ton
I trek through concrete jungles
With 500 pounds of loneliness on my backpack,
On my own little island, there is little means of escape
I sit alone, on my nearly treeless home in the middle of a delta
My only neighbor, hardly acknowledges that I am even there
How many people know
What it feels like
To have anxiety
How many know
What a panic attack
Feels like
To be unable
To communicate
To freeze up in public
To find an escape route
I screamed
my hands automatically went to my ears
I hated the noise
I still don't understand why I scream
my chest trapped the air
i was hyperventilating
tears streamed down my face
when i wake upthe first thing i do is think of youi pick up my phone, and send a texthopefully my words tighten your chestnext, i set it downput both of my hands on this guilty crown
As the room gets smaller
And the voices get louder
I remind myself to breath
Death is the only thing that is permanent
Say it with me: Bed, Mirror, dresser, carpet, blanket
Once more, darling ground yourself
Tears falling by nite
Smiles rising by day
Wanting to express yourself, but not really knowing the way
Glass shattered, pain misunderstood
People telling you to change, because change is good
Shadows put words in my brain
That I can barely fathom
Running back and forth
At the speed of light and
I'm trying with all my might
Because
I'm on this ledge
But I'm afraid to jump
When I'm in my bed, thoughts swirl through my head
Like ice cream on a summer day
I think of my day then
And how it could've been
Could've been better
Six panic attacks today
When you ask me,
"Are you okay?"
I want to say no,
I want to say that I'm breaking inside,
That I'm a shattered piece of this human being I used to be,
I promise to write every day,
Even if it’s only a sentence
Or a short paragraph
That kinda sucks
And sounds like I was drunk
There comes a time
when your body forfeits the game
and your heart reaches the limit of pain
While your soul shrivels up in shame.
A white cloak wraps around me
I’m not cold, not on the outside
I pull it closer still
Maybe I can stop the cold
I see you walk away
He draws with silver
And it comes out red
Neat
Clean lines
Cover most of his body
He tries to go deeper
Fear of failure
Fear, something everything is born with
It can’t be washed away or forgotten
Whether it be a child’s fear of monsters in the dark
Sending a puppy off to be someone's eyes.
Fighting depression and anxiety.
Making my way through a world with few allies.
Feeling like an outsider to society.
A way to express the feelings inside,
I am a tight rope walkerarms out, muscles tense, fighting gravitycrowds gather to watch my fall
I am a ship in a bottle trapped behind a wall of glassyearning for a sea I was not made for
What if I forgot to turn off my cars headlights,
What if I forgot that I've checked 3 times this night?
What if college is going to bury me in a grave of debt,
Head, shoulders, knees and toes knees and
Head is filled with very foreign thoughts
Shoulders lifted by the harsh anxiety I’ve somehow forgot
My life is a sea of anxiety
I feel like I'm drowning
I need help, reciprocate me
I’m falling apart at the seem
And I only have me to blame
I'll express this today
That beauty in the world comes to me seemingly so quickly
At least until I feel like everyone in the possible known universe is ticked at me
I'll express this today
It's like an earthquake.
The world shifts around you,
Shaking your heart, shaking your mind,
Shaking your control until it crumbles away
Leaving you both helpless and defenseless,
This is for the kids who walk in the hallways with thier eyes cast towards the floor
This is for the kids who play alone on the playground during recess, kicking the wood chips beneath your sneakers, waiting for that bell to ring
I don’t like to drink coffee, it intensifies my anxiety
or maybe it makes me more aware;
to uncover when i thought i was already bare.
got to fill my schedule up wth tasks;
can’t have time to simply sit.
Silence bothers me the most
Because it's the amplifier that DeeDee chose
No one's around to know
So DeeDee convinces me I'm alone
She says I'm pathetic
Insignificant, worthless
I love my friends. They're always there for me when I need them, A fucking lie; they're useless, terribly frivolous rats, who never stop to consider--
It nibbles quietlyon comforton truston sanity
It chomps loudlywhen nobody's aroundwhen nobody'll helpwhen nobody'll see
The trees--they quiver with life.Yes, all around me,They shake with strife.Their bones, bare of bark,They're stark white cast in dark.Sister stars shoot to earth,Little pricks of light plunging-
Trapped in a box
I am or am not
Both alive and suffocating
Dancing with daydreams
Stitch me up
Rip me up
Use your own digression
Eighteen and newly risen
Faced with nightmare laced regression
A word was never uttered from your mouth
But apologies was spoken from mine
A group of friends hung around you all the time
While I had no one to confort me when I cried
You stole my heart
Should've been born a tap-dancer
Maybe that would justify the way
My foot beats incessantly at any solid surface
But that wouldn't explain my hands
Fingers fumbling around themselves
Eyes wide open.
Mouth closed shut
Hands clinched in fists, like the one in my gut.
Whole body shivers.
Nerves too much
I guess this time I'm shit out of luck.
Air forbidden entrance.
I grew up, expected to be an adult I went through rocks and stabs I know we all fought People watched as if I was a cast No one gave me a hand we all grew up we all went through the wet sand growing with all of my lumps and dumps No one can se
Art lets me release my pent-up feelings,
Lets me take out my frustrations,
Lets me escape my malicious thoughts.
I need expression to clear my mind.
No other thing could replace the effects that
Beloved architect
Lifter of sorrows
I cling to you as darkness falls over me
Visionless unrest arises as fear echoes vehemently
But you are not shaken
My heart beats fiercely and my body fails me
GunshotsWho could it be?I picture a student in ill-fitting clothing and unwashed hair.What kind of rifle? Is this how I'll die?What will I say when I beg for my life? I stop breathing. Eyes are frantic My heart sinks like lose change.I Imagine all
All I need is myself
For in me there is strength
Hidden talents
But as an open book I feed my flaws
I’m caught in an internal whirlwind,
no escape in sight.
Despair and doubt’s heavy blows bruise my skin,
sharp knife stabs of panic and fear cut deep.
Reality and my mind’s deceptions blur.
Today…
I'm Smiling.
I am happy because I'm surrounded by people who love me.
Today…
I'm strong.
I feel like I can actually make a difference in this world.
Today…
I feel accepted.
The voice in my head never stopsDay in and day outIt repeats what I’ve done wrongI can’t get through a day without regretting my pastMy head hurts more than my heart ever didMy heart was broken but I found a glue stickBut my mind is a tool that gl
I hate how the word hopeimpersonates a pleasant state of being
How it whispers wishful whimpers
Soft promises to keep my heart beating
As if I need to hold on
I am sitting in this house, as alone as I could possibly be at the moment.
Trying, no, scraping my brain to think of what could possibly be my number one need.
Crisp, white pages fluttering in the wind
Calling out to me
To write.
I am my words.
My ideas.
And my journal stores them all.
It is my companion,
My ally.
Without it, I would be stranded
Loneliness lusts for souls like mine
Hopefulness hides in souls like yours
I am weathered and withered, weary and worn
My soul's the night, but yours is the morn.
To those with anxiety and those who do not,Let me tell you why fear no longer dictates my thoughts. My mind's been in a box, it's a comfortable place,It's got movies and posters and books on display.Like a cathedral this place is my sanctuary.Lik
My mind's been in a box, it's a comfortable place,It's got movies and posters and books on display.Like a cathedral this place is my sanctuary,Like a bunker this place is my fortress. When trouble rises I jump inside And say "no, no world I'll sta
You're not there,
I can't see you,
Yet you're all around me.
You have me pinned against the wall.
You're whispering in my ear, "You're so incompetent"
Slowly depriving me of my ability to breath
I know where the forks are in many houses
I know which light switch brightens what room
I could tell you how many stairs on each staircase
But I couldn't tell you which I'd choose
Frigid, icy shudders
Heart so close to dead
Yet with her hand my chest it beats
Warm skin against frostbitten lips
A summer kiss to dull my winter sorrow
Her laugh could make the flowers bloom and birds sing
There are days in which my forearm remembers stories that I made up,
That haunt me and forebode potential illusions.
I remember days in which there were many of these days within a day.
I need to breathe but there isn't any air,
I need to clear my head
but I also like my memories and don't wanna forget
I need to sleep but if I close my eyes
He is talkative
I am quiet
He is brave
I am a coward
He is calm
I am anxious.
He is my rock
I am not myself without Him
He is my helper
How could anyone love her?
A single moment in time, her head is tilted back in laughter
Used to disguise the moments later where the tears are from something more fragile.
One moment you're fine
Then all the sudden
It hits you
Heart pounding
Palms sweating
Its hard to breathe
Everyone is asleep
I need to calm down
what can I do?
writing about Death without beingunoriginaland depressing ishard. for
In time’s pleasant age of anticipation
I find myself wearying without aspiration
To sorrows seeping with grave desperation,
Wondering how to escape this mounting frustration.
Though happiness is very close,
happiness is hard to find,
real, true happiness.
Everyone deserves happiness.
I had to start taking risks
without worrying about the consequences,
They say there's always a silver lining. Always a new day, That there's always a light waiting at the end of the tunnel. Well my lightHas burnt out. SizzledCrackledAnd flickered out.Like those sad faulty Christmas lights dangling off the tree.But
Many misty mornings I CAST into the deep sea my net,
Thinking...perhaps, that ALL my efforts might pay my debt.
I turn your words over in my head
Like I slowly turn the pages of an interesting book.
I hold them delicately in my thoughts
As if the word fragile were an understatement
To me this is utterly fascinating
He pours scalding water
over your wounds
boiling you from the outside in.
His words are poison soap
grating off layers of the world
It's like sitting in your room late at night--
a comfortable, accepting, gentle place but there's no one there but you. Only you
sitting alone in the dark. It's not frightening, there aren't any nightmares;
Distract
without one, I
would be alone with my
thoughts- tearing my mind to
pieces.
if the sand was silk
would you still step over it?
if the rocks were gems
would you pick them up?
or would you
still step over it?
it become harder to live
or more likely so
He walks like he has some place to be,
hurried footsteps resounding through the empty hallways.
He keeps his head down, watches his feet, as if that will save him from stumbling.
Before you date somebody with amental illness, you must rememberthat calling them beautiful willnot adjust their brain's chemicallevels. Sweet words do not reversesickness that plagues the mind
StrandedBehind the miles of oceanSand piled up like hoursAnd dark just dark: Empty.Just water, andSand, andDark, and Me.And I needHow I needI need Air
They found his diary under the bed.
“Just days too late,” the agent said.
Tales of sorrow, woe, and despair
“This shouldn’t have happened; it’s really not fair”
**I had to seriously sit down and write what I felt, I'm sorry . I love going back to my emotions maybe I'll feel the same way before and read this. Maybe I'll smile and maybe I'll cry but I know I needed this outlet**
Late night woken, barely alive.
struggling to see the light through other's eyes.
covered in darkness, covered to the core.
try to show people me, but they don't see the sores.
In the lonely darknessStands a kind, but hurt orphanShe goes by the name, LaurenHiding her tears with smilesWhile looking up at the night skyNoticing its the only beautiful thing...In her life
Hide the scars draw a heart on your armtake a pictureadd a filterkiss her scars "stay strong, love"
My mind is such a mess.
I wish I could explain.
Am I happy or am I upset?
It's hard to tell with such pain.
Should I even care?
Because at times things aren't fair.
I could feel the change.
Yeah, I was sad when Robin Williams died
I sat there and watched as my whole family cried
But what got me was the outrage that came from his suicide
Yet, nobody cared this much when Lelah Alcorn died
We wake up every morning because they tell us to.
Throwing on clothes as they see fit.
We wake up every morning because they tell us to.
Going to schools they see as fit.
Writing by the light of a door cracked open is the most honest one can get with oneself.
Especially when that door leads to the hallway of a psychiatric hospital.
I guess you could say that I have a lot of friends
I've never met a stranger and
My friendships have no end and
I say that not to brag but to say they don't depend
why do I keep trying,
why do you want me fighting.
I am stressed
with myself.
Why do you want me here?
are you really in fear?
Blink
The worst things happen when
All I can see is the back of my eyelids
Blink
But blink fast or you'll miss everything
But how would you know? You're eyes are closed
Restless days have accumulated from the regression of my knees.
Parasites are sinking in, remembering the days I turned away from you.
This mistake devastated your heart, but God the heart is elastic.
My Depression and my Anxiety are in an epic love affair.
They do majestic flamenco dances filled with passion,
as they run into the other, with the intention of killing,
I remember the last night I spent in the hospital
Sitting on my windowsill like I was on top of the world,
When really the world was on top of me
And yet, I couldn’t cry
A REDEFINED TREASURE
I was named after an ocean grace
But I have been drowning in my own outrage.
I am being eaten alive by life
as my thoughts squirm down my neck.
It consumes all my thoughtsTakes over my bodily functionsIt's overpoweringRuling with society's corruptionsThe darkness devouring
The feeling of walking to a wall We’ve been through this a billion times,Yet you still don’t “get it,”The luxury of observing meLike a rich politician at the Freak ShowA privilege I didn’t inherit.Apathy cannot be found in my DNAThough it
someone asks me how we survive
day by day, night by night?
i want to tell them that we don’t
but the words taste like falsehoods on my lips
because the truth is,
we do survive.
but we do not do it alone.
The children are dyingand their mothers are crying.The kid took a bullet through his headright over his bed becausehe dreaded waking upto go to school in the morning.The teachers are scorning the kids
Anxiety.
One of the many things,
That can drive me insane.
Consistently waiting for something,
Or in my case,
Someone.
What is there to say when the world's gone astray?
What's there to fight when the government leans right?
What reason to cry when all rivers run dry?
What's worth the pain once I've gone insane?
It's worth the love
Don't give up, it get's better.
Don't let those eyes get any wetter.
Don't beat yourself up or tear yourself down.
Don't give the world its saddest sound.
Don't let your mind lose itself.
My greatest weakness is fear.
But it's not just any fear, it's a disease.
It creeps and crawls onto every decision.
It beats me down into indecisiveness.
They always say its more fish in the sea
but what about the fish that starts with an m and ends with an e..
What about the one thats always in the deep end, so far from the light yet still acts as though things are alright..
Wake up.
Hold your breath.
Listen.
While you hear the hollers and screams coming from down the hall,
You sneak out of bed, hoping not to be heard.
I’m not saying I need a prescription
But I’ve made multiply Attempts of self-inflections, and ignoring all of life’s safety restrictions
at 4:07 she ponders thatshe can captureneither stranger nor familiar,neither body nor mind,neither meaning nor aesthetic--
she, instead, is the conquered--
All alone on an island
no one here to see
yet there is approval
I still need
my ultimate weakness that cripples me
is my never-ending anxiety
to be approved
in this corrupt society
Today, I will enjoy it.I will enjoy my coffee.I won't think about everything that bothers me,Or troubles me.I will enjoy sitting on my bed,Waiting for the flood of light to enter the room.
A lot of what people "need"Is a person,That's love;Is an item,That's greed;Neither are for me.I don't "need" anyone,I don't need any single item.What I need is much simpler.All I need
What I can't live without?
Hope.
It seems so quintessential,
but it keeps the sharp edges of my mind gentle.
Without it I wouldn't be here,
becase 3AM anxiety isn't so sincere.
Continue.....
Continue to live
Continue to process
I dont remember how this began
When did I go wrong?
When did I decide my bed is where I chose to stay safe?
In a time of desprate need
In a time of sadness and despair
In a time, when I felt lonley, as if no one was there
In a time when I had anxiety, having nothing but insecurity to spare
She runs away to hide
nobody giving her a second glance
so no one sees her cry
why can't they give her another chance
Broken girl all alone
locked away in her room
putting on her headphones
It has conditioned me to fear
To fear everything life has to offer
To see the bad side of every situation
To doubt even the simplest acts of kindness
This monster has created a shell of a person
I don't remember what it's like to feel safe in my own skinI don't remember what it's like to wake up without my heart beating as if hummingbirds are trapped within my chest
Little Things
They say that’s what it’s all about.
Perhaps even the things you can’t live without.
That little thing holds back all the little ticks in my head that are coming out, oh god
On a painfully thin edge,
and trying desperately not to fall.
Constantly swaying, constantly breaking, and rebuilding, and reconvincing that just jumping isn’t the right thing.
i will never know how to breathe without pain
there will always rest a parasite in the wrinkles of my brain
speaking in code to my uterus and to my esophagus,
this "being human"? i'm bad at this
Am I
I am ADHD
I am Anxiety
I am Depression
I am the product of all
the hells I encounter.
There is a monster in them
I morph into the monster.
I become
ADHD
As summer rises
on a winter's blow
I see a dead man's journey
far below
for who could tell
when my brain bunched
right when the time
suddenly crunched
Or perhaps after
Alone in a dark room
nothing to come home to
she's trying to figure out why
Her light rises with the sun
then sets when the day's done
no matter how hard she'll try
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2
3
4
5
6
at 6 I learned that marriage can't end well and that families can't be happy
7
at 7 I knew things that I shouldn't have. 7 I wrote stories about death and sex and murder.
You have no idea how badly i hurt, how much pain i endure when my anxieties and fears pulse through my blood…
How easy it seems to just let them out, it only costs an inch of flesh…
i honestly dont know what you expected
this isnt a poem
you want to know how much i want attention?
yeah
me too.
tick tock.
tick tock.
you’re running out of time.
you’re going to be too late.
tick tock
tick tock
Society.
Supposed being.
Supposed way.
Action.
Expectation,
Contemplation,
Judgement,
Wall.
There’s no glamour in it.
No flashing lights
lighting up the reflection in the tears
of her eyes.
Just purple circles
from sleepless nights
Stress is a failure to comply with opinions and due dates.
Stress forces procrastination.
Stress brings even the strongest to their knees in times of need.
Stress is an unfortunate destination.
I cut the cord and now I’m floating here
above the bloody mess that
used to be the thing they called me
not quite a person just me
I am s h a p e l e s s
Mirrors can’t show,
Photos can’t show,
Awards can’t show,
Me, nor my inner dialogue.
Because I am s h a pe l e ss
Lightning cracks ---
I sleep like a sailor all alone on rough seas
The night devils: they torment me
All alone in my lonely dreams
I dream I’ve made mistakes.
Now, ocean water overtakes
Staring over the steaming fumes,prophetic wisps, tendrils of the muck,rising up and twisting in her nose,
Eyes bloodshot,covers torn asunder,an empty bed lays in ruins,
As I stand bravely in front of thousands
My body starts trembling with fear and thoughts
I try to calm myself down
But standing still makes me tremble with a frown
I'm shaking, now
After the NAMI meeting organized by my family,
AKA the GSA club,
We,
My friends,
Stood in a circle behind the refreshment table—
Scared of what? I can’t say
I got to go, have to getaway
Heart begins to thump, to race wild
Feeling frightened, alike a child
Breathing quickens, I want it to slow, get back in control
Does pain really cease?
Or is it a mere conformity?
Does darkness provide ease?
Or simply consume the light we no longer see?
My chest is caving in,
But there's nothing besides the weight of a t-shirt
Against my skin,
Yet my chest is heavy.
And I must have been impaled with a bullet
Because there's blood draining from my heart,
My bones hang loose. Shaking unconsciously
With no rhythmic tune.
There’s gravel in your eyes. Was that from when I
Tried to run away? Did I spew up the ground when you
Said it's too late? Now you're begging me to
The thing about anxiety is
I may look fine from the outside, but
On the inside I am erupting like a volcano.
Except I do not get the privilege
To explode in public.
I am forced to hide the bubbling emotions
When I use words to explain my depression, I use those of others.
I claim to be a writer and yet I become so certain that what I have is too little.
Please, don't touch me.
But, please, hug me.
Please, make sure everything is in order.
But, please, let me do it.
Please, don't make eye contact with me.
But, please, tell me my blue eyes are pretty.
The race for finals beginsEveryone around me playful and funAlthough I try, I just can't winSocially inept and such a dum dumI wish life could be eaiserbut what fun would that be
I am every bit as pathetic as the paper in my mouth.
The paper that will very soon become a topic of discussion among my friends;
Wondering why my hands now smell like anxiety,
There was a month where I smelled like cigarettes. You were the month that I tasted like misplaced jokes, who's punch-line snaked around my jaw;
You told me I made you feel the way
I feel when I draw circles under my tongue,
but I'm not very good with new concepts.Driving the nails into the coffin of my inhibitions,
Pain brings the saddest days or the happiest moments
Pain of sacrifice is more bueatiful then a childs pain turned into a starlit lotus
If you lose pain you lose focus
I'm stuck
in my head.
I've run out of luck
my brain and my heart; they bled.
I'm stuck
and I just want to get out.
Climbing through the muck
my head just screams and shouts.
every night i go to bed with hate in my head,
and yet every morning, as i get out of bed,
the hate is still there; i still hate myself.
i can’t get this self-hatred taste out of my mouth.
When the sunkissed skin is disturbed, like the soil of a fresh grave, it's noticed.
If you look close, or lazily drag your fingers over the forbidden places,
you'll know.
Once it's pulled apart, it's hard to splice.
Cacophony, n. harsh discordance of sound; dissonance:
it's the sound of a coffee cup clattering
rolling on the tile of a classroom floor
the anxiety of the ACT
bolded, capitalized, yelled across
With the bed of roses are the thorns intertwined with them.
Such beauty comes with pain, and with pain comes the blood.
Such soft plump ridges,
an illusion from within.
Everyone touches,
with no registration.
When asked what I remember about my childhood, I will answer “smoke;”
There’s a lingering, hovering cloud in all my most recallable memories.
You may strip me to the bone and examine my every part
Go ahead and remove my soul
While I pray to GOD that I will let go
Of all my insecurities
And my bad qualities
And a broken back that will not stop me.
She is the girl.
The girl who would rather be known as the girl who never fell in love
Than the girl who fell in love
Only to fall on her face
Who won't try because she might fail
I can't think,
I can't feel.
My mind is overloading,
How is this real?
Anxiety and depression,
Every day and night.
I don't want to down more medicine,
Just to be alright.
I thought anxiety controlled me.
I was scared to think about it.
I started feeling dead inside.
I could never breathe anymore.
I wasn't me anymore.
I thought being 12 was supposed to be fun.
One day I saw a person on the ground and no one stopped to help
They walked around and over and past them,
Down the street and around the corner until they were gone
And this person just sat there crying and bleeding,
I fear that I am a mistake
a mistake of God..
and one day He'll realize it, then I'll disappear.
No one will notice,
no one will care, some may even be relieved..
Dear mom,
I am here to say I'm sorry.
I am sorry I'm not the little girl you wanted me to be.
I'm sorry that I'm hurting you.
I'm sorry you have to deal with me.
I'm sorry for not giving it my best.
Being a hot mess isn’t hot; I know that better than anyone.
Sometimes my heart overworks my head and vice versa.
The void is speckled purple and yellow
And I am floating above it
overwhelmed by nausea
And I don’t know why I haven’t yet fallen in.
Space hurtles around me ever cyclical
And I am here
How is it possible to feel
so much joy and to still be
dead
to the world? I am
depressed, but in the moments
we are together
I shed the anxiety,
that leaden straight-jacket holding
Anxiety rules my life,
cutting me open like a knife.
I was on the cold, stone table ready to be taken under.
Forcing myself to throw up was my blunder.
I stopped fighting the urge,
gagging until I slurged.
I am,
Broken
Shattered behind how my education
Deprived me of all hope of a normal life
What is normal though?
Normal for me
Is waking up in the middle of the night
Drenched in sweat,
In elementary school I had so many friends.
Nobody cared what you looked like
or the clothes you wore.
But now that I'm older and high school is here,
there's judgement all around.
I used to be so confident,
Putting on a fake smile
To keep the questions away
To keep the pain away
To keep the memories away
I sit. Everything is ok.
Then it starts.
My heart starts to pound.
My hands start to sweat.
I can feel my breath start to quicken.
Faster, and faster.
Initially, this wasn’t exactly the reality of the story I imagined I would be strolling through.
Madness intertwined in my balance,
I feel exhaustion.
I feel broken
I feel lost and im still hoping
That I can get out of this whole Im in
Filling to the brim with water within
Im trapped
Im crying out and no one can see
My brain is taking complete control
and it just won't stop.
I keep shaking all the way to my soul;
I can feel my heart drop.
My hands go over my ears,
I have so many words that I cannot express
Trying to vomit feelings out of a hole of emptiness
I'm depressed and anxious but I'm just tired I guess
They ask if I'm okay and I just say Yes
I am strong
-er than I was before
Curled up, shaking, on the floor.
Panic attacks that would make me weak.
Like a foot is stretching my heart
Contorting, stressing,
I feel nothing at all.
Like they're talking,
And I'm talking back,
But the words are vegetables
Why are carrots coming out,
I am so much more than what I think I am
I am more than my diagnosis
I am more than my medication
I am more than my label
I am more than the biases and stigmas
I will struggle and have my bad days
imagine
there is a landmine in your veins
tic tic ticcing away
counting down the days
until you can look in the mirror
and see yourself straight -
imagine
Itchy skin,
cicadas, buzzing lights, shivering,
waking up when the sky is cloudy,
a metal fork scratching a porcelain plate,
falling in public,
knots being brushed out of hair,
I’m happy my counselor is an incompetent piece of shit because it means she doesn’t, ask the real questions, tiptoes over my glass shards and scars hoping not the strum the wrong cord. It’s been a months and we still refer to my eating disorder
And it's not the cute kind of fear,
not the kind with butterflies and giggles.
It's the tyoe that puts a lump in your throat,
I have tripped over luck and stumbled upon tragedy. I find myself stuck in an elevated, praised, honoured institution, full of the most vile and wretched creatures to fill this earth.
On the outside I seem
the same as you,
but peel away the plastered on grin
and you'll find that
out of sight of watching eyes,
I am anything but sane.
My mind is termoil,
To: anxiety.
you don't get to be capitalized.
you want to be recognized but i can't allow it.
can't.
but i do, i allow you
to
overwhelm my brain, my mouth, my hands.
i've bled from you.
i can hear my heart thrumming
No matter what I write
Behind the screen of doubts
A mental prison of night
Obscured by the formidable shouts
When I was four.
I was taught to be good.
I was told to do what was expected.
Because good girls don't argue.
When I was eight.
I was taught to be smart.
I was told that I had to be the best.
The moonlight rays
Slice through your window,
Similar to the way
The blade kissed
Your skin only moments ago.
You look out with
Blurry vision and
I’m not as okay as I said I was
I’m taking the pills, I promise
But I still feel like there’s not
Much you can do for me now.
Elementary schoolI bring home big scoresThe best in the testAdvancedExemplary
I am the optimist, born pure into a world
that is broken and bent
Nurtured in a loving atmosphere
Happy, hopeful, positive
I am the optimist, tainted by the world
Remaining ever hopeful
You know that feeling?
It's funny and dishonest,
And you should be able to laugh at it.
But it creeps up on you with taunts of isolation,
Kat
The one with paint on her arms, with purple in her raven black hair.
The one with a pencil behind her ear, a sketchbook in her hand, a glint in her eye
Hazel eyes, that is, framed in intense blackness.
Trying to ignore this stuff inside my head
the feelings I feel, The things that I said
It's not me, you see
I am caught up in a bubble
I feel I am not here
and sometimes seeing double
I felt his tiny hands tug lightly to the hem of my skirt
“What do you want?”
“Solitude”
“I’m busy”
His dainty fingers curled around my own
“What do you want?”
“Repose”
“I have no time”
The poison spills our weak undernourished minds
Spinning through our bones
Like clockwork waiting to be unwoven
Tracking time, never ceasing, waiting
Works unseen, whispers of the wind
Somehow out of this bright, illuminated room a fog began to seep in.
It began like a low, slithering snake,
then rose up and swallowed the space whole.
I couldn’t see,
I couldn’t hear.
(note: relating to someone that I know. also I don't know much about poem structure, so sorry it that isn't good)
Fear. Anxiety. I fear anxiety.
I sell myself short
with these small rhyming pomes
I could make a da-vinci
and hang it in homes
I choose humour
simple simplicity
I am... a light blub in a small abandoned house, and there is an owner,
I'm losing my sanity,
Swore on my heart, by the devils profanity.
Sold my soul to heavens illusions,
Lost all hope in its shameful intrusions.
I wrote a poem about a girl,
And I though that I'd share it to the world.
So That it would bring hope to the ones That are heart broken,
And help them to find words that are soft spoken.
I look upon the moving crowd
Slowly sighing, looking down
Hurting, fallen, angry, shy
Now I cannot just seem to fly
I hear the Rumors in the halls
Now I get unwanted calls
I remember when I was little and I had this perfect family.
I remember having 4 sisters, a mom and a dad.
Leave, go out of me
You’re the thing that kills me
You let all my friends see
And then they leave
Demons are chasing me
People replacing me
Lies are incasing me
While the truth is facing me
My steps retracing me
It comes so quickly
It leaves me weak and helpless
I try to talk
Nothing, as if somebody hit the mute button
My breathing quickens
As if I just finished running a marathon
i was deconstructed
before i was
made anew
(that is to say
that i
broke down
felt weary
knew suffering
that i had counted days
between days
Am I desperate or just insane?
Because in this moment all I see is the pain in my face as well as yours,
You won't let me apologize for this because you say it's not my fault,
But you tell me it is my fault,
Depression and anxiety,Those things that try to come back to me.O and that PTSD,
Let me have this.
Let me be a great big mess.
Cover up my face, don’t look, but let
me fret that this is the best you can get
from me.
In a dark dungeon.
Screams and cries-
echoing off the black walls.
Normalcy turned freak.
Unanswered panic.
Heart beating out.
Crying bloody, bloody murder.
Official diagnosis: Anxiety and Depression
In Kindergarten terms, that means
My brain won’t shut off
And sometimes I can’t remember
How to be happy
It means that when I get home at night
Power On.
Channel One: A little girl plays outside, kickball, with her neighbors.
They laugh and run.
The sky starts to get dark,
Curfew.
She wants to finish the round; it’s her turn to kick.
Hey, You!
Sitting, struggling, struggling to be sitting
still.
Fidgeting and squirming in the seat but
No. Knows standing,
Standing is worse. Because standing
He put a razor inside my lunch pale
Along with heads or tails
I know he's hinting death
As I hide behind my veil
Need a pair of clippers
To cut my cutthroat nails
And I red pair of scissors
"My depression comes in waves" I told my mother, hoping she would understand. "It's like being carried out sea and I can't fight the freezing water that paralyzes my limbs and and burns my eyes and fills my mouth and I drown. Over, and over.
that’s the problem, I don’t know
I’m on a wooden boat being tossed to and fro
Dear boy with the alluring smile,
Thank you for taking away my trust once again:
My body has a language
my mind just can't explain
I'm falling out of this world
and into a frame
Insanity never came
Labeled on a shelf,
the only person I cant make happy
is myself.
Running scared down Defeatist Street,
Trying to go back in time.
Retreating isn’t security,
Especially since I out grew mine.
I wish I could be me again,
Feeling free to run and wonder.
The shivers in the night, the quiet inner fight
really, victory for me is a night of rest
I often cool my hot body, shield it from peace
Fear hung tightly in the air, clouding my airways and thickening my lungs
I gasped for air but it felt like water crashing into my dry mouth in oxygen's place
It was a matter of time before I was aware of what was happening
But I would agree
I was oblivious to the obvious
Death was catching up to me
It was a state of denial
That the way I operated
breathe intry not to throw upsqueeze eyes shuthold breathfreak outbreathe back outand pretend to be calm
“a hopeful eye first to jump in a sea of fire,still the scorching lesson leaves more to be desired.
The cold and the confusion.
The overlooked and the overdoses.
The solemn and the silence.
The fatigued and the forgotten.
This is the only world I know.
I'm so nervous and scared, I'm panicking horribly, driving myself mad, my skin feels more sensitive now, hairs risen up, electrified.
If I could make the flow of my hands just a bit more....smooth.If I could make the pictures last long enough in my mind to take the time to draw them perfectly.
you have flowers and bees
then water feeds trees
even an ostrich would warn a zebra of danger
why doesn’t anyone’s mind work with mine?
a mom and her daughter will speak in unison
Take a deep breath.
Inhale through your nose, 1 2 3 4 seconds, lungs filling with air, fit to burst
Hold it, waiting for the drop, then breath out, air whistling through your lips,
But silently, careful not to draw eyes.
Often I find myself in thought
Silent on the outside, screaming on the inside
Internally I fought
Psychotic (adjective); crazy, mental, reckless,
Out of control, violent, strange, scary-
You throw around the word psychotic as if it won't hurt
I am buried beneath the fear of my own failure.
I gaze at the bird sing as she is falling.
I tell you my secrets, though I do not know what they are, only that they are veiled behind my shame.
She sits there, thoughts swirling around her
A hurricane of hurt and pain
There's no escape. They follow everywhere.
Haunting and creeping through her daily life
No. She's not fine,
She's not good, or ok, or fine.
She's terrible.
She can't stop the thoughts, she can't stop the swirling ideas.
She can't even speak.
The fear is constant,
As I stare into the depths of your eyes,
I see the real you,
Not your fake smiles,
Or your deceptive laughs;
No, I see the person behind the facade
I see the desperation to fit in,
As you walk toward the light
At the end of the tunnel
It gets smaller.
And so you are running,
Running like the mad woman you are
Trying to get there before it's gone.
But it's too late.
So tell me how you spent your family's money
on cheap cigars you couldn't quit
Tell me how you destroyed your room to mask
the pain in your heart, but you couldn't forget
Five feet tall
Sometimes I feel small in more ways than one
Anxiety presses against my chest and takes my breath away
Insecure and worried
Insecure about the way others view me
I go out drinking and seeking,
The nght life is what I am thinking,
All those sleeping have me wishing I was dreaming.
My heart beat is racing and my pulse is pacing,
Sometimes I wonder
If madness sounds like civilization
Noisy music
Incessant hubbub and babble
The scrape of sandals on concrete
Breaths
I'm not a hero
I am not good like he was
But I am alive while he is not
There is nothing like the guilt I feel
Guilt that shakes me awake
3 AM
I usually wish to take your place
They tell me to breathe slowly. They tell me to picture my “happy place.” They tell me it’s all in my head.
As if I didn't already know that. Do you not understand the definition of a mental disorder?
What if everything changed?
What if it got better?
What if it got worse?
What if it I was happy?
It is a dense fog
As thick as pea soup
Struggling to suffocate me
Eyes unable to see mere inches ahead
It is a storm cloud overhead
Ominous and dark
Filled with rain about to drown me
Blank.
Nothing.
Just fine.
Peachy keen.
Him.
Him.
His face.
His eyes.
His cheeks.
His mouth.
His smile.
His laugh.
His perfect teeth.
This is for the moment you realize you’ve stopped screaming
Have you ever found yourself in the state when you're asleep but still aware of your surroundings?
It's kind of like limbo between two worlds, not fully involved in either of them. But what if you were constantly in that state?
I crossed the street in search of my campus' Panda Express
and a car rightfully yeilded.
As I passed, the car drove closer and slowed
and a young man, though older than myself, poked his head from the back window.
Sometimes,
things hit a little too close to home
too close for comfort
other times,
things hit home
with a resounding boom,
you'll hear everything come crashing around you
maybe if i dont say i am, i wont be.
maybe if i pretend to be happy, i will be.
maybe if i keep building these walls, i'll be protected.
maybe if i stopped taking them pills, i'll be fine.
She was unbreakable
Nothing fazed her
She was alway smiling
And everyone knew her name
That quirky tilt of her head
Always arguing with herself
And that black sweatshirt whe always wore
Take off the filters and remove the blindfold,
Enter this world as you are,
Not as you are told-
That you should be.
Because that is not you,
It is not her, it is not him, it is not me.
feelings smash
collide and integrate
mixing colors like the finger paints my mother made me as a child
one minute i am functioning
one minute i am overwhelmed
and the next i am gone
The moon is a symbolDespite the darkness, somewhere out there is our source of light
I have attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder - inattentive subtype
a.k.a. ADD
which means
my mind works differently from most
someone, anyonenononononowhy won't it end?didn't you promise one day it would stop?what am I?still alive-why can't I finally sleep?
A year ago, this room would have been empty.
He would have been confined to his room
Confined to his own thoughts obscuring the emptiness.
Maybe more than a year had passed.
A toy needs love too....
You were happy because I was something new and fun to play with,
At first, it seemed lime everything I did amazed and befuddled you,
Where did those times go?
When a house is dirty, we clean it.
We sweep away the dust and scrub away the stains until there is
nothing left
to remind us of the
wreckage
I live in the ingnorance of others
Hide behind a shattered mask
Not one place I could run to
No one I could ask
I put on the perfect stance
I say I am made of steel
Oh sweet, sweet depression.
How are you doing my dear?
You're pulling me down so far,
Down so far I can't hear.
Oh sweet, sweet depression.
My arms become hungry,
As my makeup smears.
Would you want the power to fly or be invisible?
I would love to fly all over the world and see the different kinds of people,
Why wouldn't you want to be invisible?
Because I'm already invisible by just being unequal,
My heart is pounding.
I start to sweat.
I know nothing out there can hurt me;
But in my head it already has.
How can I face all these people?
Am I being too needy?
Maybe I should say hi.
Anxiety:A seven letter word thatKnocks the wind out of me every timeI am called to attention
Who am I without any of those filters or fake edits?
Well I am me
I am someone who is naturally beautiful
yet goofy all by my personal line of credit
I am someone with flaws just like anyone else
Buckets of rain poured down from the sky,
as though the angels wept, mourning what was to come.
I found myself lurking outside at school,shrouded in a black hoodie
Take away the phone in your hand and the nonexistant makeup on my face.
Take away the blue eyes and red hair that never stays down.
Take away the freckles on my face and the scars from a lost battle with acne.
What I show you is,
Not who I want to be,
But what you want to see.
I aim to please,
Society.
They say to me,
"Be a tall, thin,
Long haired, white teeth,
Light-skinned beauty,
What I show you is,
Not who I want to be,
But what you want to see.
I aim to please,
Society.
They say to me,
"Be a tall, thin,
Long haired, white teeth,
Light-skinned beauty,
My struggle with anxiety is not as cute as my curled hair or my new outfit.
It certainly won't get as much love on Instagram, and the notes on Tumblr will remain at zero.
Pills two of them to be exact.
They’re the same, but together they’re a stronger dose.
Together they calm down a savage mind like mine.
Helping to realign the dominos of thought in my head.
My life's a Friday nightBut it feels like a Sunday morningLike wasted potential and wasted timeAnd wasted youth and wasted rhymeAll waste, all the timeAnd there are days and weeks when you're so blue
“I’m so proud you’re my sister,”
“because you’re so beautiful!”
His compliment attacked my stomach,
Do you know how it feelsWith ghosts scratching at your brain?Because I feel that way,So peculiar, so insaneTrying to prove a pointThat I can’t even verbalizeTrying to fill a hole
Without the filters who am I?
Without the filters will I die?
Millions persuaded to become something they're not, only to find that out that what's inside....has changed a lot.
How can you miss someone who was never physically there
Never felt their touched or the texture of their hair
Never held their hand or kissed their lips
Yet they seem to be the only person you miss
My voice
Is something which my ears fail to define
When it kisses the air, it splinters
Into exactly 2 billion and 3 question marks
Hooking round my pores and
Peppering my flesh with pock-marks of stray
Walking down the street, life moves slowly
As I run into people and fall onto the rough concrete.
Bitter voices and yelling catch my attention,
But the powerful wind propels me into dangerous roads.
I smile because I hidePretending to be optimistic and brightMy hands are shakingMy face is numbMy body feels like i'm floatingI see a crowd, I prepareA pain strikes in my chest
Without a filter
Without the camera
Through the eyes of me
I am a plaque of black.
Without a filter
Without the camera
Through the eyes of others
I am an organic Hispanic.
Days are tough
I put on a happy face
Mask the pain
No one knows
The real you beside few
I feel lost
Tears fall down
People always ask, "why be sad?"
"Just be happy"
i close my eyes and see every detail of them down to their toes and nose
I notice their perfect skin and start to wonder where they've been
I've been sitting here all night, watching what i shouldn't
Snatching up pics I normally wouldn't
You are your own worst enemy
You act like your in ecstasy
But you’re not
What I’m trying to say
Is you’ve come so far
You carry many scars
You made them on your own though
Physically, I'm distressed, but I impress by dressing my best.
Emotionally, I'm a wreck, gotta stay in check to earn respect.
Mentally, I'm cascaded by the replays of the days that have faded.
In the beginning I was always scared. Never able to say what I thought or felt. It was nothing less than torture. Forever crippled by the fear of being unnaccepted. Always tiptoeing trough life like perpetually crossing a lake of thin ice.
mommy, you're broken.
i hear you at night
your bottles are clinking
it fills me with fright.
mommy, were broken,
this family i think
the yelling seems constant
we continue to sink
Instability
Things are shaking while I’m not on any ground.I don’t bother shoutingbecause no one wants to hear a sound.Time hasn’t been real while it swirls in my eyes.
I am not crazy. I’ve spent countless hours convincing myself of this. My wrists are scarred, my knuckles bruised, my pillowcase tear-stained. But I am not crazy.
The inside of my mind,
the design is so complicated.
So intricate,
and it seems that thoughts
can be so crowding,
and fear does this rerouting
Depression.
One simple, little word.
Or so many believe.
For others,
it is not a word.
It is a way of life.
A way of struggle.
Bringing oneself to their feet.
26 March 2014
Though my words have been scattered
and my lips been tainted,
take her heart and lift it.
Take her mind and relieve it.
Take away her pain, not her life.
Where do I start?
Why does depression happen?
What reason do people have to be depressed?
They see figures in the distance,
and try to reach out.
It takes hold of their hand,
even the stongest people can break
with all the things on their plate
what doesnt kill you makes you stronger
so they say, leaving scars that linger
life gives us things that we can handle
i hate my scars.
they are not lovely,
they are not bravery.
they dictate my life.
they tell me what i can wear,
where to go
who i can trust,
who i can love...
My mother's crying
My father's gone
My brother's screaming
I am singing,
I think I'll take a walk
My friends aren't listening
My teachers don't care
The walls are closing in
Who is that lonely girl
Sitting on the corner of the street
Who is that lonely girl
Not saying a word while she eats
Who is that lonely girl
Wearing the outdated shoes
Who is that lonely girl
There goes my throat
As it begins to close
Tightening
Strangling
A noose that won’t
Stop hanging
Shaking fingers and
Sweaty palms
I can’t go on
Because my legs feel
and you used to come here with me-
but i guess that segment of our relationship has
come to a close and
i don't know if i can wash the taste of you
out of my mouth
forget the scratch
It's the same old thing again.
A teenage girl with "nothing to complain about",
Complaining about the things no one sees.
They see a roof on my head, shoes on my feet,
Food on my table, clothes on my back,
A voice that leaves only a soft whisper in the clearing
a piece of sand drowning below the waves
So you found out
Well, how do you feel?
Me?
I feel vulnerable
Anxious
Confused
Judged
Hurt
Angry
Destroyed
This was a side of me that you weren't ready for
t's 6:00a.m on the morning,
For a day that's prolonged, aggravating and boring,
You're tired, and exhausted,
These are the years of our lives that are the most awkward and stressful,
I never wanted you to fix mesew my ripped seamsbandage my woundsglue my chips and cracksduct-tape my limbsscare away my monstersfight my depressioncalm my anxiety
So I've never been one for these poems and things
Writitng has never been a strong suit of mine
But I'm sick of holding back
Being the big kid, the smart kid, the one my parents never worried about
A tortured soul is locked with no key,
The end of the tunnel looks dark and bleak.
Merely sitting without movement or light,
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, who is she
Is that me? I wish it wouldn't be
That hand, that hair, that voice, that name
That - that what happened I was caught
In the static electricity of my mind
I panic between doorways
I count the breaks in stairways
to rules I always adhere
and I do this out of fear
fear that I'll lose my sight
that it will punish someone dear
Perfection is a malady, it only serves to maim
The wrinkled edges of my insanity, only myself and the world to blame.
'What a shame' was my worst fear,
Lurking behind the swallowed tears
I walk quickly
head down
shoulders stiff
“I’m sorry” on my lips
Everyone’s watching me
My lips are bitten
hands shaking
leg bouncing
Sometimes I don't think I'm getting to you anymore, usually when I can see the words going in one ear and out the other and back down to the floor where they probably belonged to begin with.
It’s like I have two minds
Not a double sided sword
But two minds
From negative to positive
High to low
Right from left
It’s a strange distinction
I cannot explain
We use filter to cover up our blemishes,
Both physical and mental.
Who wants to see a girl without make up on,
Bearing her acne scars and enlarged pores?
Who wants to read an emotional caption,
You say I’m okay
On the outside
So I must be alright
To keep going
But have you once thought
About how I feel inside
One alone cannot lead.
One alone cannot love.
One alone cannot learn.
One alone cannot learn.
One alone cannot laugh.
One alone cannot live the life intended.
Staring in the mirror as I wipe away the day.Cold, alone, and vulnerable.Looking at the real me as the mask fades away.Scared, beaten, and longing.Beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say.
Ask me who I am in the raw,
I'll tell you.
I wake up like everyone else.
I get dressed, brush my teeth.
Most people assume that is me.
5'2", brown hair, brown eyes.
Fear weighs down heavy on your back
The creaking of the door or the flickering of the lights
Your heart beats faster and your muscles tense up tight
Afraid to face the next attack
There's a perfect image I've always had of myself,
one not even a filter could create
One that's so perfect just me being me
Letting the world seeing me in my natural state
It's always seemed to get me further.
Your mind is deteriorating right in front of my eyes
But the flesh still clings to your cheekbones
i
am fooled
by people,
society
it tells me i can do great things without
a
warning
that what you
see on T.V
is not reality but fantasy
I AM .....
C.S
Glasses
Sharp nose
Dark, patterened clothes
Sparkling baby blue eyes
Bright smile with a crooked jaw
Big loving heart with an old amourous soul
Behind the filter, behind the hashtag
Life hurts
Just to live in it makes me wonder why?
Why do we enjoy the good moments so much
When the bad ones are so bad
And likewise;
Why do we feel the bad moments are the end?
Everyday I walk through the halls of red and white, watching unfamiliar faces of high school students pass by like a rock skipping across the water.
Snapshots of a life well-spent
Moments of Greatness frozen into eternal silence
Laughter, scowls, and faux-pensive looks
On half hidden faces
Topped off with the stolen words from
For me, anxiety is the feeling that I am always being watched.
Anxiety is staying awake because you're afraid of what can happen tomorrow.
Its there
It always has been
It has been there for years
It has infected many
It lives there
Do you see it
Do you hear it
It's in me
It speaks my name
It hunts for the weakness
When I was little
I was too friendly; always talking to strangers
And my parents were afraid that a dark man
Would take me away and I would never be seen from again
Only what they didn't know --
Inside her lilac blanket she weeps in fear of the future to come
Inside her mind the gears never stop, forever in thought of her imperfections
Inside her heart in beats so loudly, from the sickening caffeine addiction
My mind is a candle
Inside a whirlwind of thought
I have bright insights
But there clouded in darkness
I try to be happy
But can't see the light
I try to keep my candle lit
Nevermore.
Indestructible.
Incredible.
Nevermore.
Volnerable.
Incapable.
Indescribable.
Nevermore.
painful.
saddened.
unneeded.
nevermore.
Confused.
What once was a flaw, that everyone could see,
stuck out like a sore thumb to anyone but me,
Bottled up inside of me,
trying to thrash its way out,
this monster grew stronger
'til my control it did oust.
Why even try? Constantly feeling the need to get their approval and for what? Praise? Recognition? Why is it that you go out of your way for them, after everything? An apology?
Head highUnless it’s coldBack straightAssured strides
Blue hairLoud voiceSmiles sprinkledAll the way
Real lifeDepressionAnxietyJoint pain
I was little when disposable cameras were "the thing"Polaroids were fading out.
I would pose for my mother in my new school clothes
Silly faces, ballerina, peace signs.
I am from a small house with many people,
The sound of birds and smell of food.
Toys all around and bikes scattered on the ground.
Sitting at a full table and dreaming of a new life.
To know oneself, is to see yourself through others eyes. Through strangers words. Through societies lies, and still be able to sleep at night with your head held high and heart still beating.
Once sitting alone in a cold room
while graced with the warmest of hearts
the voice rings out in a moment of panic
"how do you eat an elephant?'
My mind stops, heart races
Mind now emptied of everything I am
A tempest,
a hasty knock,
swept away, planks and branches,
drenched by a collapsing sight.
There's only one window to pass through
for an airplane to crash onto,
for sleet, for icebergs,
My mind tends to focus on the past;
So hard that the present is often blurred, giving reality the chance to once again take its toll on my peace of mind.
Blink.
Blinkblink.
Better turn off the alarm before I wake them up.
Up I go.
I have no desire to look presentable today, but they will see me
They will judge me
What can I wear?
Darkness.
Maliciously fulfilling and temporarily relieving new activities deceitfuly veiled underneath an alluring facade of exciting and thrilling adventure.
When night comes and all is quite, the amount of thoughts that run through my head are countless. Thoughts of things that were done or said that shouldn't have been done or said.Things that should have been and things to come.
Every time I conjur up the smallest amount of courage and tell myself, " yes, i think i can. I can do this", something in me crushes it. It smothers that little spark of confidence and hope. Why am i so afraid?
You know stress?
Worry?
That panic that grips your chest and rips you apart in the middle of the night?
Because thinking about the future incites this feeling of needing to explode because you're not ready.
anxiety.
Nervous tics
Fidgeting
Stomachaches
Headaches
Thoughts scrambled
shaking.
Hope it's not visible
Vision blurring
Is the smile convincing?
There is nothing wrong with me.
A smile like a sideways moon crested upon my face, I am
Happy.
What is wrong?
The moon sets on my face as tears shower over my face.
Anxiety is crippling,
Is explosive.
I attempt to hide
Under the guise of sleep.
Yet slipping into my disguise
I cannot hide-
I am sought out.
Anxiety cripples me,
I explode.
I am like the sea, beautiful and wild on the surface,
deep and mysterious underneath.
Unknown by many, misunderstood by all.
At 6am, I'm miserable.
Time to get out of bed, move my behind,
Clock in for $7.25 at the daily grind,
Eight hours for this is fucking criminal.
At noon, I'm finally awake.
Dear Asshole in my History class that just said that “Dyslexia” was a synonym for “retard”,
I'm dyslexic.
No that doesn't make me less smart.
No that doesn't make me illiterate.
I cut, I rip, I tear, I burn
The answers to questions
For which I still yearn
There is nothing left here
For me to fear
Except what is deep inside
The blood seeps in
Through the cracks on the walls
And it penetrates
Into my spirit
Evolving my state
Into a more impeccable union
Listlessly it closes in
On the lion
I feel the calming waves
Lapping at me
Through the bright
Blistering sun
And stealing away
Every ounce of innocence
I once possessed
I have never felt so distant
From reality
Afraid to meet their eyes
Afraid to look away
Afraid to speak my mind
Afraid of letting silence stay
Afraid my true colors will show
Afraid they'll never see
This is just a glimpse inside
Hey,
Pardon
My awful
Cacology,
I'm not too great
At speaking to you.
I hope you don't mind it.
I'm better with animals,
They don't reply with sarcasm.
She’s paralyzed
Traumatized
Drifting in space
Panting, heart racing
makeup smeared on her face.
Questions and options
Are flooding her mind,
Restrictions, obligations,
Elementary school failed me. I appeared smart, looked smart, talked smart and was surrounded by smart friends. The only thing that separated me from all the other kids was my speech impediment.
All my life
I have been unwrapped
My ribs glossy-exposed
My lips made of glass
They have told me to learn
And I have taught myself to listen
While ignoring what is important
Blood pools
At the end of the stairway
Caressing me
Welcoming me
Into eternity
I fall and shatter
Into millions of fragments
So that nobody
Can ever uncover
Me again
30 things said by someone with
Why do I feel like I have to hide,
If we are all a little broken inside?
Maybe I am ashamed or at times a little scared,
but I shouldn’t have to feel this way.
I wish I could make them accept me,
I could wipe off 90% of that so called beauty with a kleenex...
I see that your outershell is gorgeous
Underneath that.. It's pure ugly
No.
Not your face.
Your insides. Your guts. your soul.
My feelings are always so gloomy and dark
I have no place on this earth nowhere to make my mark.
My feelings eat me alive my emotions ar sharks.
Im a zippo with no fluid all I do is spark.
I’m not supposed to call it mine
My anxiety and depression isn’t supposed to be mine,
I’m supposed to distance myself because somehow that helps.
Somehow saying it isn’t mine
makes it okay
~a heart once so pure
Heavy with burdens
~Smiles turn to gold
Shy to break, soft to hold
~molded in flawless to be just flaws
~A heavy broken smile is all I am
I remember the night i tried killing myself,
maybe i did die for a minute
Life, i didnt want anything to do with it,
i was sick of it, i prayed for a better way,
for a day i wouldnt feel any pain
I am standing in a crowd of people.I feel their presence all encompassing,Like a child I bare my sensibilities,Kicking and screaming for amenity.I close my eyes in terror.Frozen.
You know that girl who's always smiling and laughing,
That girl who isn't popular, but everyone likes her,
That girl who can cheer anyone up within seconds,
That girl who loves and cares for everyone?
You know that girl who's always smiling and laughing,
That girl who isn't popular, but everyone likes her,
That girl who can cheer anyone up within seconds,
That girl who loves and cares for everyone?
You know that girl who's always smiling in the hallways,
The girl who knows everyone and speaks to everyone,
The girl who isn't popular, but everyone knows her,
Because she has a free spirit?
I can't be perfect you see
I don't have the key
of all the things I could be
I just want to be me
I can't impress you
You judge me like I'm new
They all judge me to
at whatever I do
Anxiety is not cute
Anxiety is not something to be laughed at or to be taken lightly
Anxiety is when your lungs seem to collapse on themselves and heave with every breath you take
Who am I?
Do I hide behind a shadow
Of who I really am,
Or do I show all with no fear?
I am anxious
Incapable of anything
But
Shaking &
Fear
But I am proud
Interaction with others isn’t something I want too much of,
But that doesn’t mean I wish it gone completely,
This introversion sits with me - fits like a glove,
However, anxiety besieges me! Fiery, like the sun!
Inside, around, behind
what's in my mind?
Flashbacks
tons of flashbacks.
I wiggle, I scream
hes too mean.
I can't get away
but you think I did it to
myself.
I stare at the mirror,
Trying to understand why everyone hates me so.
The people at school whispered and laughed.
The adults sneered and turned up their nose.
Surrounded by echoes,
Overwhelmed.
About to die.
Can't breath with my chest this tight.
I wish I could just get over it
Like everybody says.
But it's not that easy.
Anxious for what you will say , crying for what every day? Are you sick are you afraid what demons have come and made you this way.. My heart feels weak my legs are shaky. Numb emotions other than fear we cant figure out what brought us here.
This stress triggers my anxietybecause I can’t handle you being mad at mefor any reason. It makes me nervous.I think, "Do I really deserve this?"or is my mind just ten steps ahead of reality?
I have accepted my judgement;
That these acolytes have thrusted upon me;
They need not any hammers;
As their vision penetrates my skin;
As their minds grasp my very essence;
Constantly electrocuted;
I don’t want to not believe
I don’t want her to become something other than what she sees
In the mirror, is a different person?
Researchers say crying is inborn
I had to learn how to cry
I stifled the sight of my tears
Away from the taste of salty crystals on my tongue
Afar from the expression of my fears
Timing freezes, muscles tense, lungs start gasping for every breath
The room starts spinning, the edges blur, hearts is running, running from death
Don’t look beyond the curtain’s edge,
Please leave the veil alone.
A secret girl is hidden there,
You’ll wish you’d never known.
Keep her there, and lock her up,
And never let her out,
Wake up late,
Mornings I hate
Don't like leaving my bed
The smell of bacon
Brings a cravin'
Jam spread over bread
Hash browns or home fries
Always satisfies
Kethchup on top
Yes I do hide behind a mask of some sort
Due to the fact I am embarrsed to be myself
You grow up learning to love yourself
But as I grew up, I started to hate myself more and more
Walking through the school hallway,
judgement hall,
eyes focused on the tile,
one step after another,
one breath after another,
face blushing: a red mask of anxiety.
I know this, I know this, I know this, I don't, I do.
I understand how to find the
acceleration of a runner when
given the change in time but
I don't know what that runner would
As I stand inside this room
I can feel the darkness loom
Deep inside my broken heart
My guilty soul tears me apart.
And I cannot describe the pain
It does not sting or lightly maim
Reading! Writting! Things that make people cringe but makes smilegive me words over sports give me a book over TV
The demons claw as the sun decends
The wolves howl as the moon ascends
Dark is the world that consumes the light
Just as the monsters takes flight
Joy, laughter, happiness are objects of peaceful reality
Round 1:
You ask your parents how they feel about gay people
"trash" "freaks" "sinners"
I’m talking to you,
And I see the weight fall off your shoulders and onto your face
They're all laughing,
Mingling,
And discovering each other
While I watch,
Powerless to the inescapable choking
That comes with the sight of people.
I'm a storm of feelings,
A hurricane of thoughts,
What's wrong with my brain?
All of this pain
Has made me insane
It's wrapped around me like chain
Oh what a complain
I always have to explain
That I want to cut my vein
I want to see a world without oppression
I want to make it easier on those with depression
Some may even have anxiety
I want to make them feel free
Living with depression is not an easy thing to do
Living with anxiety is not an easy thing to do
Living with both has become so painfully unbearable
When birthday cakes
Get frostbite,
I relate.
When coins aren's used
For their rust,
I sympathize.
Once upon a time
I was a
Celebration
I lit up your candles
Do you ever have that dream that doesn't let you sleep?Leaves red marks in your eyes,And a bad taste on your teeth?But, for some reason, no one understands
Is my nature free?
I will not laugh nor shout
And engulf in reverie
And then I say I am the sea
The moon the glowing orb
Is a friend to some but not the swirling sea
I like to think i know you
and that you know every dark corner of my being.
how much is exchanged
when gazes collide?
Study, Study, Study
Is there no end
The Back-To-School season is a ruthless monster
And no one is allowed to leave its bitter den
You can try to fight it
You can try to run away
Every morning
I awake
With the
Overbearing
Sense of
Dread
That everyone
Expects
Me
To carry
Silently.
This
" i just don't have the proper training to deal with your...condition...i hope you understand."
i nod, because yes, i do understand.
i understand that when you look at the scars on my thigh and ankle, you get chills
Sometimes we find that our lungs collapse,
our minds wrap around the idea of relapse.
We fall to the ground and gasp for air,
why, oh God, is this life not fair?
With hands on our hearts and a knot in our chest,
I envy those that shine in the light,
Those who aren't afraid to fight
for who they are.
For every time I think it's time,
For every time I say that this moment, this one is surely mine,
On the stage stands
A loud, confident young woman
She always answers questions in class
Her voice clear and unwavering
She is comfortable in her skin
On the stage stands
A just, moral young woman
Rushing thoughts
empty ideas
heart beats fast
comprehension slow
going in circles
around a drain
around a block
lost or losing
This curtain is my protection,
I need it to hide myself from the world.
Paranoia and anxiety is a hard thing to hide,
And it seems no one understands it.
To me I am sweet,
To me I am kind,
Mind over matter,
to the mind of matter
to those minds that are complexed,
perplexed.
layer upon layers.
Inception.
My deception
My perception,
my out look on life.
I'm custom-built to expectationA situational chameleonBut no one knows,Because what they see is only what I show them
Why do i always wake up sad?
Is it acceptable to be mad?
My head hurts.
But then again, what doesn't hurt.
I feel every emotion a person can feel.
Sometimes, nothing seems real.
walls
imagination runs away from me
where they also happen to speak free
Walls
built up tears and harbored tension
wanting to be stuck in an alternate dimension
WALLS
I'm not as bad as you think
I'm not a problem child
I sit in my room
And I use the internet
I'm not out partying
I'm not out drinking
I'm not shooting up
Or popping pills
I am a stranger
in my own life
I don't understand my friends
nor do they understand me
they may think they do
they may think that
my laugh is genuine
they may think that
A Look Beyond The Mirror
If you look into the mirror
The girl that you will see
Is someone you might like
But not who I wish to be
If you look Beyond the Mirror
U sually my face holds a smile and my smiel tells happy stories.
N evertheless, my heart holds a sadder story.
V ersions of my thoughts are told to friends and family,
I want answers you tell lies
Going against my religion, but not my heart
Which is worse?
God, why do I anger you
I like girls I'm really sorry
It wasn't on purpose
No one undestands what it means
To be alone
To be ignored
To eat your lunch in the library
Hidden behind stacks of books
So no one can see your shame
To look at your feet when you walk
Insecurity.
Doubt.
Codependency.
Self-hate.
I have encountered the misfortune of being in an abusive relationship with each.
I dated Insecurity for a few years.
Who am I?
The one cowering on the floor as the crowd walks by
Fear rips through my body
The anxiety tears at my heart with its needle-sharp nails
My breathing increases as my attack starts
I stroll down the streets of my town, through the hallways of my school, through the rooms of my house,
And what do people see?
The candle flame burns too hot. The flickering of its wic dances in the over heated breeze. This breeze offers no respite from the smoldering need.
Anxiety like
sugar in my veins
forces my weak knees
to rattle.
Bumping the desk in front of me
as I slowly undetectably lose focus.
Undeniable to the students
near to me, but unnoticed
We give our butterflies careful monikers
confusion
for example
but lets take these glittering beings
for what they truly are.
Fluttering infatuation
love
that can be
may be
You would think someone with a disease would have problems in school such as socializing or generally fitting in. Growing up down south and moving to New York city was a huge change for me.
I am running, hiding from the relentless grip of REALITY
But no matter what I do or where I go, it always seems to catch up with me
It drugs me and runs through my veins
You told me I couldn't
You called me stupid
You made a "what not to do" example out of me
And here I still stand
Can a stupid kid graduate high school with a certificate in Graphic Design?
Chorus:
I'm stressed out
A lot of stuff on my mind, I don't know what to do
I'm stressed out
I just want to be alone, so I'm sitting in my room
I'm stressed out
Have you ever noticed
how your laugh sounds different
when you're with your closest friend
than it does with your dad?
Have you ever wondered
what it would look inside of an
You drown my thoughts
Make it impossible for me to do everyday tasks
I can't go to the store and buy a single thing
The feeling of your weight on my shoulders stops me
You follow me wherever i go
My dreams are most vivid when I bolt
Awake staring at the ceiling where the stucco shoots
Constellations to my brain, just a telescope that won’t retract
Or react to the basic instincts meant to drive
Her mind was not broken when she was born.
She was once a rose
But, have you ever seen such aversion to a flower?
What’s in a name?
They call her crazy, a freak, a nutcase, insane
Oh no, I have nothing to hide.
Never in my life have I tried.
I have always been happy!
I will never be sappy.
Not that my parents bother me,
Nor is it ever a biggie.
All that matters is your glee;
sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry
An endless litany
Buzzing through my head
You see a teenager. Day to day, smiling awkwardly at those who pass.I see a little girl. Sitting all alone, trying to hide her face from those who look upon her.You see a senior, attending classes, not paying attention.
“Still” by, GiGi Spata
Captured, trapped, broken
A mangled mouse in a trap
Like a beautiful bird in a cage
A precious puppy in a pound
I woke up on a dirty mattress on the floor of a friends house. It's my 16th birthday. A huge milestone in a young persons life.
an illness
knawing at my internal flesh
no one can see the
Scars except me.
a Facade to hide all the
Pain.
i tend to
Laugh harder,
Try harder,
just so They won't see
Imagine you were a boy
born with a big head
Your parents thought you were smart
with a cranium that feels like lead
As I grew up in many places
Learned in many schools
My goal for grades were secondary
The first day of middle school, dread and fear.
This is what started my eighth grade year.
I knew no one, not one single friend
From a young age we're taught that the,
Monsters live under our beds.
And that the flick of a light switch will,
Send them running.
The clouds have veins,
at the end of the day, when the sun kisses the edges,
and the purple spreads along the blue, dancing on the white
It's the metallic taste of blood after the final loss in a furious struggle with your inner man.
This prison I carry,
Till my time ends and they bury,
Is but a shell of the truth,
Of what I was since youth.
The prisoner hides,
Till the voices subside.
And will only be free,
When I drown in my mindAnd look for helpI need you to be kindYet you make me yelp
All these words you shoveRight down my throatYou blame my choicesAs your scapegoat
The words, they go...:
There's a wicked wind.
I turn my head and grimace.
'It's too windy out there,' I whisper,
And I shut the door
But I can't meet their eyes.
They ask where I'm going.
Nowhere.
The worlds a stage and we are just mere actors, But the stage is too large, the lights to bright The audience won’t like us if we aren't just right Just the right amount of funny, pretty, smart, kind We panic under the pressure but it’s all just
Once there was a man who left
and his little girl was sad
she cut her wrists and bleed for him
as she wished to call him, dad
there was an incident that spurred the path
the family was split
this self mutilation is getting out of hand
every night i break down i know i cant stand
to stay here much longer, im am beaten and damned
to rot away slowly with nothing in hand
A quiet stone stillness
Flushed by petal skin
Glowing but whispering
Eyes painted with grim
Black lines suggest somber
Whimsy chilled by
Apathetic limbs worn
By an apricot smile
When I walk down the street,
Talking to the people I see,
I can't help but wonder,
If who they see is really me.
To them I am funny and kind,
I always have a smile on my face.
The discomfort is rolling off of me in waves
and they are palpable, tangible on the tip of my tongue,
tasting of the metal that seeps into your teeth
from a jaw clenched around cutlery.
You see that person sitting alone?
That person hiding pain behind a smile?
Had you even looked into their file
Would you not have seen the suffering?
Would you not understand?
You see that person?
The deep red, velvety curtain shades her from reality
A mask to hide all sorrows
This thick wall of shame to cover all past sins and tragedies.
I'm running out of things to numb the pain,
I have nothing anymore and it's driving me insane.
People say life is too short to be alone,
But nobody wants me, didn't you know?
I am alone
A single soul
Who's heart is cold
Bound by the thought of everyday madness
Kept awake by the sobs of every night sadness
The tears feel like fire upon my eyes
The days end in long sighs
I'm like wet clay
Altered by the hands of others
Forcibly changed to become what someone else desires
Well liked when expectations are met
I'm cold like a corpse
I can look you in the eyes
And as you leave
I find my hands shaking
I listened to you talk
I lost where I was
You touch my shoulder
And I feel myself blush
A silent mantra of the hands. The strands of my hair creating a lovely rhythm of over, over, over. I crave the relaxation brought upon by the feel of conditioned hair on my soft skin.
I open my eyes to a world that's grey.
The colors have all blended and blurred,
And the sounds are a harsh contrast
To the dull and vast horizon.
This is my Every Day,
So I look for the beauty
Speaking up for that person who has no voice or afraid to voice there thoughts. Uplifting a down and troubled spirit facing hardships. Also bringing strength to a hopeless joe who is use to dragging their feet with the floor.
You say you know me
But you judge by the facade
The fake smile and nice disposition
The innocence and false confidence
Pay no attention to the girl behind the curtainCuz boy I am certainYou'll have a little more interest in the one who's out flirtin'That twitch of her hips, you want her so bad it's hurtin'
it's only stress they tell me. it will soon be gone when your life is figured out. but do they understand that stress is no longer healthy when it leaves me lying awake at night on a pillowcase soaked with self-doubt and anger?
My stomach twists and turns,
the tears flow
and my tired eyes burn.
i bite my lip and choke back the sob,
i'm hiding this pain,
but something's wrong...
it's just another lonely night,
HOW DO I FUNCTION WITHOUT YOU
EVERY MOMENT A CONSTANT MEMORY
OF WHAT USE TO BE
LEFT ALONE WITH JUST MY SORROWS
ALWAYS PRAYING THAT YOU'LL COME BACK TOMORROW
JUST TELL ME WHY I NEVER CROSS YOUR MIND
I feel the sparks of potential
Igniting in my veins
It lights a fire beneath my fingers
And the words come in waves
Would could
I move through the halls with barely a glance.
People won't talk to me, won't give me a chance.
They hardly notice if my appearance I enhance.
I am not a ghost.
I spend most of the day inside my head,
After six months
(Sometimes
Two or three,
A day or a week,
Or even a year)
I wake up and
I don’t think about you.
(Proving to myself
Have you ever felt like you're in the shadows waiting for your time to shine?
Have you ever felt like you're tumbling over, caught on the borderline?
I sit quietly ignoring the pain, but she whispers to me. I try to eat, but she whispers to me. I try to laugh and almost succeed, but she whispers to me.
What is she whispering?
Hate. Slander. Lies.
When Anxiety stops by
She brings all her friends,
And my living room,
Bedroom,
And kitchen alike
Get crowded with sweaty bodies
Tripping me with their murmurs and laughter.
I didn't ask you to come into my life,Yet here you are.Looking for someone to wreck,You found me.Out of the corner of my eye, I saw youBreak down the door.
In, and then out; in and then out.
These are the constant reminders I have to tell my self to keep me focused,
There is a mess, a clutter, a crowd that she found,
A thing that we run from that follows her around.
A climax, a friction, a trick that she believed-
A gift that she thought that she had received.
vomit onto paper
an abstraction of an encrypted thought
mildly wild i babble like a child
all riled up
formless feelings freak me out
freaky in the most severe sense
severely senseless
Strange, isn't it?
How those who are pillars
of support
for their friends
might be crumbling apart
from within?
I seem strong
and confident
and self-assured
and happy.
The wall is there
Looming tall and divine.
Built from the bricks of adversity,
Which bake in oven of pressure and worry.
The wall is part of life.
As I sit in this room I feel my problems rushing towards me; hoping to consume me. I know I won’t be able to out run them, so I let them come.
The voices, they whisper drink drink drink
The addiction irresistible and you are unable to think
You feel the guilt and shame
You start playing the blame game
From a distances I'm just like you
Get to know me and I'm a little differet
I can't bear the sight of you
Your glassy eyes
Your Cheshire cat grin
You're suffocating me
You follow me everywhere
You're invading my dreams
Violence, much happens to people who keep silence
Oppression led the oppress to depression
One gun can kill many sons
Teenage girls are confused, all bruised
clawing, gnawing
anxiety comes
filling my lungs
where my breath has gone
fear is anon
how it grapples with my heart
and my knees struggle to stand
as my mind falls apart
I’ll admit, I’m selfish
I have a greed for things that I don’t have
The list of things I want fills encyclopedias
Dictionary-sized lengths of words telling of my desires
I can’t write it all out without aching
It started with me running
My feet hitting the ground with purpose in every step
My toes touching grass and my legs never tiring
I was moving
Dear girl with the sharpies and sewing needles
It’s been a while, hasn’t it?
You’ve grown up a bit, haven’t you?
Since the last time I saw you finish something you started
I want someone to listen to me. Listen to my story and tell me when I’m done “That’s some deep shit you waded through.” And then say nothing.
You would think your words are enough to communicate
Electric flow through those lines should be of high rate
I have been gone too long,
living in the past.
Trapped by all the mistakes,
I have ever made.
Remembering everytime,
I let someone down.
But it is time to move on,
Befriended street lamps' static humTimed steps slashed through electric buzzFled from the dawn's grey stainchased night with anxious breath erupting
I am who i am
so why shoud do ifeel the need to change?
but i do, i do
an it is truely lame.
i spend countless hours obsessin over small thngs,
like:what about when summers over?
Victim
I am a victim of myself
My thoughts
Putrid from an adrenaline based response
Granted it came from the Stone Age
My predators are nowhere to be found
I sense danger but it is only a cage
Darkness engulfs me as I sit among the silence,The stalwart panging emotion of vagrance.This feeling so strong stinging me like a bee,Desperation seeming to overwhelm me. Anxiety discovers a path to my brain,
As the night settles, it begins.
Slyly, creeping deeper into my psyche
Darkening, the rims of my thoughts.
Slowly, swallowing my heart in captivity.
As the shadows crawl,
the creaking floor boards
I stand in the middle of the storm,
Thunder roaring, rain pouring.
What’s this burden that we’re forced to play?
The game in which we will lose at anyway.
I stand in the middle of the storm,
And I stare
As you stand there
But you don't see
What I can be.
We are here
But I do fear
You will never know
What I want to show.
My feelings for you
One step forward
Two steps back
It never goes away.
On the way, I plan it out
I know what to say
How to answer
How to act.
But then I walk into the room
you say i never talkbut that's not really truei love talking very muchi'm just afraid to talk to you
in my head i make senseand i want you to knowthat there's a very good reasonwhy i talk so slow
These are your hands and
This is how you tell the world you’re not all bad
These are your wrists, those are your scars,
This is your story
This is how you dodge the shattered glass around your feet
Let me tell you what bullying is
Bullying is mean words that get under your skin
And the only way to get them out is
By tearing open your arms and legs and extracting them
you cannot go
anywhere
without finding something
that floods your veins
you cannot look at
anyone
without wondering
if their family is dysfunctional
I have an associates degree at eighteen
but I haven't made it , to everybody else my goals are just... dreams
just because i have a limp, i have no potencial it... seems
on top of that im Mexican with a love for hip hop,
Am I more like the lone tree of the Prairie?
Of the Savanna?
Tall, tanned with a puff on top.
No one sees my roots.
Are they are lost?
Unseen, un-kept?
Words don’t define me,
The world is a beautiful place.
Maybe it’s that belief
that always gets me in trouble.
I spend my days
in this constant
awe
at the world,
in people,
in how wonderful
You can find me
where the
dust sparkles
in the window
from the sun's rays
You can find me-
there
I'll be hiding
beside the curtain
blending into the wall
I am the glass vase you forgot to fill
With flowers last week. So let me be cold,
Let me be beautiful. Let me be clear.
I am the drawer you left open in your
Rush out the door. So let me be misplaced,
The silent entity stays concealed
In the corner of my mind
The black aura of dread
Slowly taints its surroundings
One day, it decieves me;
Forgetting its there
Until, in one fell swoop
I relive the days
Of getting into your car
Riding to the place you call home
But it wasn't your home
I remember everything we did
Especially watching the "Goofy" vid
(This poem is meant to be listened to, the text is only accompanying.)
A Spoken Word Poem For Myself
Why am I nor happy?
I have such a big porch for me alone.
I have the life that no one else owns.
I have gold that no other holds.
Why am I not happy?
I have all I want,
But something stands.
Trying for the relationship I wanted,
I copied my father’s moves and emotions.
Genetics helped out, only a little.
Father, What have I done to myself?
Gripping, pulling, plucking, repeat--
Dear Person Who Deserves to Die a Fiery Death While Simultaneously Being Eating By a Shark,
Panic Stops.
My Heart
Then it st-st-stutters-s
Nonstop
Racking up the points (1, 2, 3, … 5,000, …)
In an unknown game
I scratch at my chest
Begging it to stop
But my hands
Slide
You're FEELING too much
You're way OVERsensitive
This isn't JEN from the Block
This is ME my own critic
Nothing's set in STONE
Till the day AFTER you deaded
My will is stronger than EVER
(read like to the beat of a metronome or a ticking clock)
Water drips,
puckered lips.
Tapping sounds,
making rounds.
Hitting bars,
counting stars.
one, two, three, four.
You say this pain is my fault
that i put this gapeing hole in my chest
when all i tryed to do was set you free
from your monster inside
i put myself in harms way over and over again
i tryed to help
Why would you lay down and concieve
If you couldn't believe
In the child you were creating
She's a creation of God and a reflection of you
Maybe that's why you can't look at her
There's so much pressure nowadays
On kids and young adults.
Pressure to meet every benchmark,
And to have X amount of extracurriculars,
And to do damn well on the ACT,
And to earn X amount of dollars,
My Rut life begins with my family.My father: An abusive selfish stranger who abandoned me 10 years ago.My Mother: An over controlling, over worrying mother.
My Rut life begins with my family.My father: An abusive selfish stranger who abandoned me 10 years ago.My Mother: An over controlling, over worrying mother.
You broke my heart when you sai goodbye
You made me cutt and want to die
You told me you love me and that you cared
You even got me a cute teady bear
I gave you my heart
And you tore it apart
i look at this blank page; or
I I try to see bend the words
Flowing from my own pen
I look and I won't see the the truth in the words I write-
I will look and I won't see that my mind is in a fight
"It’s fine, don’t worry about it."
Are always the first words to come out,
"It’s all in your head, you’ve got this."
While wanting to spill your lunch on the floor.
Hands shake and arms quake,
I'm going to wing it
I'm going to say a little prayer
I'm going to wish on the first star I see
I'm going to wing it
I'm going to make sure that I do my best
I'm going to make sure I'm above my rest
AS darkness takes over
my plea is to be free,
but all it does
is take over me.
I hope for a candle,
but no, it's to bright.
so instead,
I search for the right.
You are in my darkness,
They say the best writers write what they know,
But lately I’ve been losing my mental going off my rocker all existential.
I’ve been going off on points of tangency trying to crack the code that’s right in front of me.
Did you see that? That, there.
That lady is staring at me.
She keeps looking over here.
Do I have a booger in my nose?
Is my receding hairline showing?
Twenty years old with a receding hairline.
Depression is a widow's veil.
A black, looming object..light and wispy, blowing with every change of the wind.
It's flowery design serves to hide the pain and agony that lies beneath.
I screamed. She was never seen. See what she lacked I carried and what I lacked she held onto so dearly.
Not everything works
Like it used to when
We were young
Disease fills us
Disorders rot our minds and
We’re never cured
Anxiety creeps up
Fire that you ignore but
Can’t put out
If mental illness was treated as such
there would be
no kids online blogging about their eating disorder
getting comments like
you can do it! avoid the food! stop eating and you too
will be beautiful!
What were you thinking?
Letting her feel so alone
she was crying, hurting and breaking
Bones were what the mirror shown
All she wanted was someone to care
For someone to finally be there
Everyday I wonder why
Everyday I look into your eyes
I see what I don't want to be
Everyday I picture a dream in my head
One so profound I feel as if it can never be crushed
Sweet, musky scentthat rises the stripedstairs into my nostrilsand opens my eyesto see a blurred, blue silkysmooth crashing, clutchfrom the shoving mobbehind me, intoa forgotten memory, whose
Before you are goneBefore this world swallows us and leaves us all for deadI feel tortured hands holding my jaw bone shut.And,
Remember yesterday, when I told you
When I told you I laid
Laid on the concrete floor
In fetus position reaching for my heart
Right now,
The walls are closing in,
It's really getting really hard because I'm losing all my friends,
And I'm suffocating because I'm running out of room here.
Why Can't You Sleep?
Why can’t I sleep?
WHY can’t I sleep?!
Let’s see how well you sleep with a gun pointed at your head.
The hatred, the poverty, the financial struggles
These are all the things I see
I am living but I'm not alive
Everynight I let myslef cry
I go to sleep hoping to never wake up
I am living but I'm not alive
I've gone through things and I wish I died
I wake up but I'm still dead
Panic. Terror. Staccato breaths. It is strong. Merciless, yet intangible. Clouding all rationality, engraved with anger. All too well, it is the essence of an inner demon - lurking inside of us. Consuming our minds.
it's early.
my phone buzzes numbers at me and my mouth says, "get up get up get up," while my mind says stay here stay here stay here.
There are certain things that just cannot be done.
You can't sneeze with your eyes open.
Have you ever tried imagining what those colors
that are invisible to the naked eye look like?
Bondage
The sea stops my inmost being
Creatures to search the corners
Breaking free from bondage
What makes us bound?
Hold us from chaos,
Yielding to the dangers of the world
Can't sit back and wallow on a past mistake
But I can't fake the regret and anguish I feel when I look back on the past
Which is why I can't heal
I'm just human, I'm only a kid...
Close your eyes,
Go to sleep,
Dream of us-
As deep drums
Mark the beginning.
Ravenous human shadows
Singing brutal blood-stained
What would you do,
What would you say,
If someone said to draw your troubles away?
Would you paint landscapes of fire,
Momma told me nobody would understand me...
I remember on day in the black light momma told me to old on tight...
If I asked you a question,
would you always tell me the truth?
If I told you to run,
would you never look back?
If I held you up,
would you trust me enough?
Rumor has it
Im a mess
Disorganized, depressed
Im a lost cause
A failure at best.
Rumor has it
He was ruining me
He danced across the pavement
where my heart had smashed so violently
We steal each other's breath as if
it's all we need to live.
Our mouth's so close that when we breath
in we are just sucking air from the other.
A seemingly pointless cycle of C02.
Inside my head,
I mean a little more.
Inside my head,
Personality is at war.
I dream to be outgoing,
Both pretty and sweet
Everyone wants to be my friend
When I'm inside my head.
i wanted fucking help i waited for today for pills
end the “ill”
mentally ill is there a mental band-aid that i put around the mental wound until there forms a mental scar?
In the mirror is not your reflection,
But instead the trader within.
She looks at you in disgust,
Knowing that she’ll win.
Poking at your curves,
Pinching at your skin.
"Why must love feel like a heart attack"?Some may sayCausing our hearts to sputter one final beatThump, thump, shhDifferent types of love lause different types
Sometimes life's a bitch. You practice for something over and over. It's Practice, Practice, PRACTICE! But even then it's not enough. I didn't make it. People always say there's next year. What do you know?!
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"
why does she starve herself?
you're fat
those are just words
why does she hate what she sees in the mirror?
you're ugly
Everyone judges or gets judged though for some it can happen more often than it should, when it does what emotions do they feel, embarrassment, anger, shame and hurt?
I had met with an angel.
Here's what he had said:
Love me forever, and it costs but one small thing
a life, fleeting
a soul-less little thing
your soul I ask to bring.
I had met with that angel
Every day,
I fake a smile,
I look at the world through dead eyes,
I slice up my wrists,
And I bruise my thighs,
They beckon to me,
The colorful pills,
The nylon rope,
The loaded gun,
on the outside looking in.
no sense of beginnings.
failing is constant.
looking up blind.
system cave in.
promise of forgiveness.
fate of distance.
fade to reality.
First it starts slow,
just trembling within the depths of my conscious.
Then it builds higher and higher and I'm under its control.
The dark hold is gripping me and suffocating me,
Hush. Quiet. Hold it in.
Its not the time nor the place. Just smile.
Its normal.
Be happy like you always are.
Content and bright are your eyes
each day.
But your heart so dark and confused.
I am holding a bladeUp to my wrist In the knife all I see is lies upon liesBut then I see youAnd your little blue eyesYou say put the kinfe down AuntieOr I will crySo I put down the kinfe
With Aspergers, it's a bit tough.
There's problems that make you think you've had enough.
From the loud noise to lighting so bright,
When you can't handle it all, you are forced to fight.
I turn on the shower head along with my thoughts
Which are often not my thoughts at all
My mind has been infiltrated by society's thoughts
And everything it has taught
Should I really be distraught about all this?
Why is it that when you lose a love your heart breaks,
if love is just a chemical addiction produced by our brains?
Why does it feel like your thoracic cavity is hollow,
Her small hand touches the moist fabric of my shirt,
wrapping her arm around me as if she forgot how to comfort me.
I don't blame her.
She's right. We don't know each other anymore
A stranger...
A feeling...
True or not
Days, Months, Years...
Friends, Best friends, lovers...
One day, eyes are on her
Slowly Slowly dissapear infront...
of my eyes...
Don’t disappear from me
I know I haven’t always been the greatest person
I’ve been selfish, stupid and just completely inattentive
The sky
Drowns the world
In silent sorrows
Of its own.
Oversized droplets
Create a harmony
Of misunderstood
Memories.
Like the raindrops
My life is unusual I hate myself completely, if my life were a story I would just delete me
I'm dramatic nd mad Im never fully happy, my only emotion being anger, nd attitude nothing less than crappy
My heart races as he walks by
I am nervous, I hope he does not say Hi
He caught me watching him carrying his tray.
Yes, he is looking my way
He is praying before his meal
Trust and be assured
until your whole life reduces to nothing but
waking up morning after morning trembling with fear.
Unknowingly passing it from man to man
until every face is begging with unheard screams
Some will never know the joy but only the end
they'll never see the light when the light has dimmed
There's a crime that's stuck inside my mind
A life built on this crooked line
I'm lost in these innocent times
My cries are unheard
My destination is absurd
So many crowding around my room
A cage she loves. A cage she sees. This cage is in her lungs, she breaths. No freedom. No air. Yet she does not know.
Beautiful darling,
Don't hurt yourself, I need you
You deserve love, babe
One-of-a-kind soul,
Don't drag that blade across you
I care about you
You're a lovely girl
A gilded cage, clipped wings, a weight, breath short, metallic fear
shaking, sweating, the bitter putrid taste of vomit.
Anxiety.
I stand alone.
Darkness is in every corner of the room,
and the only light to reach me comes from a single window.
What would it be like if I was out there?
I wake every day and dress for town,
At any given moment you could ask me what's on my mind
and I could give you a categorized list with bullet points to spare
left blank for the few memories that are climbing out of bed
I imagined it wouldn’t hurt me,
as much as it hurts me now.
The mother that had forgotten me,
I couldn’t seem to forget.
My thoughts swirled like a tornado in my mind.
How could she abandon me?
this is not normal.
waking up at 3 pm, crying in the shower, bruises on your wrists, silences that last for days.
(i am not okay.)
blood spots beneath white paper thin skin
coarse blue fabric against my fingertips
am i real?
long fingernails claw into fragile skin (right underneath black ink flowers and symbols of Christ)
“i pressed my face to the space between your neck and kissed you softly with chapped lips. (you were laughing and texting and trying to take my mind out of the dark)
i dragged my fingernails lightly across your tattooed arm.
i try staring at patterned wall paper and run my thumb over the seams of my pillow case.
(back and forth, back and forth over floral printed fabric)
The shaking of a hand
The shortness of breath
The good days and the bad
Not knowing what is coming next
Will I have an attack today?
Night after night,
into the miserable hours
of another weary morning,
I waste my time
lying restlessly
in a bed too familiar.
Tiny branches of red
You're warned - there are signs.
It starts to get dark outside,
and on your foggy window is
the soft pattering of rain. You
know what's coming,
and you're hiding in your room,
Don't think I'm crazy, but I feel so Damn lonely. The nights when I just wanna cry and have someone there to hold me. When you try to make friends just to escape pain, and emotional suffering. That's when you figure no one's there..
Dark shadows underneath those
frosty blue eyes,
smudged with jet black mascara
from a long, hollow night.
The wind blows relentlessly,
the world is still asleep as you
trudge the streets that
This week I feel funny. I feel out of place, underdressed and alone. I feel a little bit like sticky hands that you can't wash. I can't shake this feeling but for some reason I don't mind.
From having answers
to knowing none.
I thought that it was all made up
that you could control anything if you tried hard enough
I chalked it up to lack of discipline or emotions
but then it happened to me
once upon a time
i dreamt of
gingerbread legs
pounding the ground
to hide away
from ravenous mouths.
they called out
and couldn’t be caught
as they disappeared
From dawn 'till dusk I am enclosed,
In my own world yet so exposed.
Passing by, a mere obsever,
Using distance as my life's preserver.
Close enough to touch, too far away to see,
i claim exertion to the separation of
curtains and search of sanctum,
as it swayed in soft circles dangling upside down from my ceiling fan, i watched through tears as the carnations wilted white petals penetrated the darkness of my room.
Whats the point of faking a smile?
when in all reality your miserable inside
people call you selfish for wanting to die
but your whole life you've faked the smile
so they don't feel guilt
If I could change something
I'd change the way you look at the world.
I'd turn the scars on your arms into butterlies and kiss marks.
i'd make you smile every night before you wen to bed.
The colours of a mirror are foggy, but lucidI don’t see my reflection,But colours of a girl I remember beingDark purples and greys, she’s bruised and scarredShards of glass line her hollowed out, bloodshot eyes
We all feel like we’re worthless
I’m not good enough
I’m not pretty enough or thin enough
Or I’m too short, too tall
I feel like my parents secretly hate me
And I’m the joke my friends are laughing at
Whispering smiles indent my thoughts as I walk through the halls.
Overthinking what's past and what's present has been known to ruin me.
Every move I make causes my conscience to stutter.
I may still be growing and learning
But I still wish to leave marks
On the world that continues to make barks
Throughout my life I am always yearning
For the joy of family yet always earning
Some need to change how they fulfill their life. Live life. Love it. Do not waste it. I wish they would understand life is a river that will meet waterfalls sometimes.
It’s still so hard
To just wake up
Each and every day.
It’s hard to know
A simple life can
Make me feel this way.
I’ll put on a face
I’ll make believe.
Somehow I’ll be okay,
With love, all you ever want to do is win, but all I ever do is lose. I give everything I have but when it all goes down and things get tough what happenes? It's thrown away like yesterday's garbage.
There is something stirring
It threatens fear
It threatens death
My only escape is to drown
Drown it out
Push it down
Do not breath
Do not think
Do not cry
After everything, you were ignoredLike me before, lonely and boredI chose to take a standGave to you my hand
When I was eight years old they told me to stop
At eight years old my academic license expired
I was destined to be average
All because little girls and little boys ridiculed my intelligence
So you pick on me?
Why?
Do you really hate me like you said?
Or is that a lie.
Like the lies you tell to everyone else saying I did something
Like I am your enemy
Well your mine
Your my enemy
I cause pain
I cause distress
Take me out.
I cause heartache
And I cause stress
Take me out.
I fell asleep
And hoped I never would wake up
Take me out.
Scars do not mean that the pain is over
Healing deprives me of strength
Ubiquitous flashbacks of the good times
Mingling with frustration, despair and longing
I’ve been trying to retaliate
Sometimes I feel loneliness in my soul, loneliness that even with people around me it can’t be removed
A loneliness that I have since December
Not even with the funniest joke will this great solitude purge.
You start from who you are;
Sweet, innocent, and caring. people ask and you say you're ok but no one knows how you're truly faring.
Tired eyes.
Please believe me.
My body aches.
Please release me.
Mind is numb.
Please leave me.
Hands are shaking.
Please forsake me.
Heart is pounding.
Please disown me.
I feel useless
I feel unloved
I feel like no one contacts me unless they need something
I know it's true because when I need someone,
No one replies
But the second they need me I am there
Today is today, I mean that's what everyone says. But today is the day that I hide , in the shadows, faces of you are revealed in my sight. I'm afraid to ever walk in those steel doors, because with me you have no insight.
If I could, I would take away all the pain
The pain I feel every day.
I know I am not alone,
Lonesome softly pounds
Whispers sweet sounds
Waits until day it ends
Paces and it depends
It asks for me to wait
Afraid I decide my fate
And I never make a change
Alone we never do gain
She awoke to hear him bid good morning
She slept to hear him say good night
But as the tide rolled in and washed him away
She faded into the darkness today
And time it screeched and cried
Don’t mind me
I’m really ok
I just don’t want to be awake
All I ever do is make mistakes
Don’t find me
I’m running away
I just don’t want to be
Someone like me
the ten year old boy sat still
waiting for his mom to drive him to school
his stomach felt ill
the kids called him fool
i look at him
he looks at me
i say keep your head up
it'll get better
I'm in a smoky bubble
and it take all of the shine
out of life and makes everything turn into rubble
It just keeps you blind
to everything else except the bad
It distorts reality making you feel confined
It rises
again and again
like a curtain of night.
I know not when it may come
or if it will come at all.
I hope: maybe today?
No – for here it is again.
A swarm,
a cliff,
a blow.
They say that over thinking kills the mind.
Too young to stress but yet stress about grown folks "problems "
I can't write anything on paper without two little people. On my shoulder debating about who's right. I am afraid.
I'm sick of the struggle.The uphill battle I constantly face.The decision on whether or not to stayor leave from this place.This poem won't even express it.
I forgot my watch today,
I tried to draw it on,
My hands didn't move,
and now the time is gone,
All of a kids high school years, are spent in fear, fear that he'll get picked on because he's fat, walking down the hallways and hears them, pointing, laughing, all for a joke, he sits there and wishes he could choke, every single one of them.
People say mean things
they say I'm not good enough
say I'm ugly or dumb
sometimes they are right
sometimes I am dumb enough to listen to the hateful words
Skinny is a six letter word that haunts me at night.
Skinny is perfection, at least that's what I've learned.
It's skin and bones; no skin to pinch.
Fat is a three letter word that I see in the mirror.
The world's a vast place.
You're that little pin in the middle of the haystack trying to find yourself.
Often all you want to do is throw in the towel, belt out that last note, make the violin weep.
People do not think always when they speak
Some words can change us and set us apart
We have heard it before, fat, fool, fag, freak
These words are like sharp daggers through the heart
I can taste it
no feel it
the warm, crimson colored liquid as it seeped out of my flesh
ahhh FRESH
but as the darkness devours me all I can
think of,
see,
is
you.....
“Depression”
I’m tired of wearing the painted grin
That mocks me and all of my sin.
The pain of my soul and my mind
You say that I've changed
but you're the reason i'm so cold.
Get out of my head,
the fights quickly get old.
You've made me so heartless
something I knew nothing of.
Once you broke my heart,
Isolate yourself
then ask why you're so lonely.
Tell you how I think,
now I feel like a phony.
These poisons were shared
over and over before,
between you and I,
this darkness we tore.
The world is too big for one man to do all the talking
The world is too small for everyone to speak at once
That’s why I’m speaking my mind now
She goes by no name. Nor has any friends. She sits alone watching everyone else smile and laugh.
It's completely natural to me,
Like I've done it all my life,
It helps to take away the pain,
The way they treat me is wrong,
It helps to take it all away,
It helps relieve the stress,
The quiet darkness that
slipped in through the tiniest
slits and sat
growing and festering,
Has all but swallowed me whole.
Thick black curtains sequestering
the light with in my soul.
No one ever told me it's okay, it's okay to be so anxious you can feel your heart wanting to jump out of your chest.
Why would you just stand and watch?
What if it was your friend or family?
Feeling emotionally lost.
Feeling as if no one is there.
Feeling embarassed.
What I Would Change
By Adde Kramer
Sadness
I have a happy voice
that can be heard by fe
ut e people that do hear
i hop are happy too.
Such a beautiful soul
Flying free
Soaring over mountains
Limitless as can be
No one can bring her down
Such a beautiful soul
Flying free
Soaring over mountains
Limitless as can be
No one can bring her down
You ask what I would change about things in my life, today. Why does the world listen to the media and accept what they say? Why doesn’t internal beauty matter to us more than external looks?
Lost inside her world of pain
Where everything is dead
The darkness starts to trap her
Although it's only in her head.
She tries to run and free herself
But cannot seem to breathe
Stop wondrous things and look at this misfortune
A soul has arrived due to physical exhaustion
Just when the positive vibe arrives it leaves a sense of caution
So listen to the spiritual uproar
A night to remember, a spin and a glideas we make our way through the aisle.I was too young when you left my side.
fading with age
brownign, blurring
suffering every day
but continues stirring
mindlessly lingering
mythodically fingering
blades of a razor
and quaint gassoline flame.
ahe looked at her scars, her bracelets and then
she told herself "ill never need them again"
she picked up the razor and aimed at her wrist
but something peculiar haooened; she missed.
It's a feeling of suffocation
weighing down on your chest
inability to breath
inability to ration
tears continue flowing
"You're not good enough."
"You will never make it."
I dream in black and whiteI bleed the color of your eyes
All I can see is your lipsGently glazing over mine
As the sun setI saw my rose petals in the flame
Everybody says, “Life isn’t fair.”
Governor Quinn & other politians, shout, “We should all go to school, go to college!”
He said that it was such a stupid thing to have
that I must feel embarrassed
And I was
embarrassed
for the sheer innocence of it all
I didn’t understand why he scorned upon it
hated me for it
Hollow Ghost of Red Heart
Ominous with frantic rage
Yet vindictive under the Vail
Luminous as starlight nights
Breathing Just Fine
Held under water
Gazing upon him
We fight for a way out
The sea blue runs black
I know what its like,
To not belong,
To be called weird,
Just for being me.
I am alone,
I know not what I did,
I know not why,
But I stand alone.
Some say you have to be cruel to be kindI say being cruel is just so you could say hurtful things to othersAnd not care what that person thinks.All my life I have been bullied and witnessed others being bullied
It's nine A.M..
You're awake,
but you don't leave your bed
because you have so much to do,
At night the ticking of the clock gets louder,
My anxiety sounds like thunder;
In the darkness I begin to shudder.
The cold kissing my skin feels shocking,
Gripping the razor
She admires its silver tone
Exposing her wrist
She examines her canvas
She glides the razor
Ever so gently
Feeling the painful hole in her chest go away
She always looked for a silver lining
But never thought it would be a silver razor
One side dull
The other thin, sharp
Admiring it reflecting the single light in her room
Gripping it in one hand
There's a reason I have to plug in my iPod every time I venture out on a run by myself.
You were taken too soon my friend
And I sit here and wonder
Why your life had to end
Like the rolling of thunder
My one regret is not responding
In the month of November
From a distance much to great,
He silently seals his fate.
With a rush of the tide,
He loses the feelings he tried to hide.
His head spins,
Words are taken for granted.
Written in books that just sit on shelves.
Children no longer want to read
but play video games.
What about the children who suffer.
depression
anxiety
sliced wrists
gashed thighs
voices screaming in my head.
am i better off this way?
a runaway
a thief
been arrested.
maybe i should of gone to jail.
am i better of this way?
He held her hand in his
bone achingly tight;
his jaw clenched with bravado
while his legs shook in fright.
She was cold to the touch,
itsy bitsy chills;
eyes bright with life,
Diseases, diseasesKeep me with Jesus.
My name's not punk,Nor am I junk.To give you a start,I have my own heart.
There is a burning feeling in my chest
my hands are trembling
I cant breathe
I'm just sitting here shaking
I feel anxious.
Why do i have so much anxiety?
Does anyone feel this way?
drifting through time
with no one to be
why cant anybody see me?
i do my best
for all to see
but no one
notices me
im in all the plays
and all the pictures
Homeless individuals sleep with dreams of what they used to be
Now they have moved on leaving the new generation drowning sea to sea
No education, no temptation, to get a dream fulfilled
The Dark that cones, the dark that rises. The darkness that is the light, in all my wrong doing. If you protect me from myself, your protecting me from THE DARKNESS.
Black and Blue
Do you ever get a clue?
Black and red
do you know how much i bled?
black and green
You were always too keen
Black and yellow
Afterwords, you were always so mellow.
Why must we try,
on something that'll never work?
If just looking at me is painful,
Why even try?
If there is no rhym
nor reason,
then what's the point?
what's there to say?
I’m on the verge of setting free
of all the pretty things left inside me
does that scare you?
Just get over it, she said.
Were these words simply a cruel joke?
I never expected to hear them
From the walking medical degree in a lab coat.
Shouldn’t you be smarter than that? I wanted to scream.
if i could change one thing, i would release the stigma on mental illness
like a goddamn balloon into the sky,
popping when it gets too high in the atmosphere,
never to be seen again.
The rain began in my brain,
Its lightning strikes my heart.
Its torrential downpour
Takes sight away,
Tunnel vision
I need faith,
for i am faithless,
the demons in my dreams.
the darkness in my heart,
there is no light in my heart.
what i don't understand,
Love you "say" but its not true.
Its just another word for "forget you"
Told me you love me, told me you cared. But why arent you standing here?
You made it up didnt you? just to fill in the blank.
she lived through pitch blackness
she held siccors to her stomach for hours on end
she held bottles of bleach in her hands
her tears silently falling as she tried bringing it up to her lips
Words are unspoken,
Things are not said,
But everything she feels is stuck in her head.
The sighs of a hurting, broken heart
Her feelings inside tear her apart.
Words that whisper,
It's extremely loud in here,
Though you do not hear it from there.
You may not be able to tell,
There are a lot of arguments
And the music is always up too loud.
Though the words spoken, shake,
I Fight,
I Fight For The Light.
I Fight For Those Sitting Their Room,
Crying At Night, Holding That Knife,
And Wishing They Died.
I Fight For The Ones Who Lost Hope,
I am the subject to so much ridicule
...in my mind.
In my mind,
I am the enemy.
I am both the angel and Devil.
In my mind,
I am hated and feared.
I am the running joke except...
Look.
Breath catching
Ducking behind corners
Hiding from something
Too much to admit
There.
Its not your fault, not a bit
But I'm so scared
I don't sound like myself
Broken bottles
lining the window seels
where pictures should be
where crosses should be
liquor soaking in the walls
yet not absorbing the blows
virbration from the seel decore
If I had the chance
I'd make it so no one was ever sad.
I've been at rock bottom,
hating myself,
wishing I was dead.
And I would never wish that upon anyone.
Not even my worst enemy.
The depth of it all, the rise and the fall. Room 116A, just making sure I'm okay. Tomorrow isn't promised, yesterday wasn't either. Blood steaming like fire, it's like my heart has a fever. Yes, I'm a non believer but I did believe him.
I try to find myself, but I've been lost for forever. It's like I'm going in a circle so you'd think I'd know better. I'm somewhat lost in a trance, I can't find myself. Took 34 pills disregarding my own health.
The strength of those
who know of how
you cannot harm
anyone for long.
How can such a
short trial, be of
much harm? When they
will know how you
can never last
for long. Life is
My body is covered with a never ending darkness that surrounds me.
Taking me over, it's gotten inside me.
Eating me alive and slowly killing me.
I want it gone.
I want my body to finally feel free
anxiety crawling at your skin and bones
gnawing through muscle and fat
dulling your nerves
burrowing in your brain
hiding
waiting
aching
Eyes swelled up with tears,
As i said goodbye to YESTERDAY.
The promise of romance drowning in the ocean of my heart.
All the room is silent
Sounds of pens clicking
Teachers flipping through the pages of the same book
Suddenly a girl walks in
She seems different
Smells different, too
Boys snicker and tell her things
You only need to ask.
I would answer if I could.
You rush towards me,
Placing a hand against me.
Your face twists.
Bullying hurt..
No matter how old your are
Step up and say something
More than a 1,000 kids are bullyied
It hurts... I know it does
Make a change to your school and reach out to others
Sleep came rushing in
like a brother barging into the house
throwing open the doors and
screaming to the rafters
that the War is over.
Exhausted like the
headline in the Extra,
TrappedNever was myself.
Always reminded
At my bare locker.Brand names were never
My thing.It never seemed to work.Popped collars and Coach
Love is rich
sometimes its a bitch
or a witch
that cast a spell that makes you twitch
untill you cant take another inch , away
from the girl that first said hey
that would later on say
Three am and I'm in that park.
The trees rustle in the breeze
I'm here to meet a man
Not a sleeze.
Little do I know he's a human shark.
That's the hardest part.
He meets me halfway
I cannot breathfor the pain.The energy I spendpretending I'm all rightis far more that ever before.I just want to sleep.To sleep and never wake.Let me die.Let me embrace
Peaking anxiety
No where to run
Just so hard
To get the job done
Red in the face
Heart rate not paced
Faster and faster
Anxiety increased
We all deal with monsters,
Monsters in our heads,
Monsters in our bodies.
Depression, Scizophrenia,
Rymitoid, CRPS.
The monsters kill us,
Inside and out,
To the point of no return,
Tick, tick tockthe bell rings, startling meStep, step, tapmy shoes moving swiftly through the hallwaysNotebooks, pencils, paperOn every students desk
There’s a feeling I know.
It feels like
everything is crumbling around you or like
walls are closing in and there’s no room to breathe or like
no matter what you do nothing is right and it’s scary.
Broken pieces
Shattered heart
My life just seems to fall apart
But there's nothing that I can do
Hiding what's inside
showing what's not really there and
Leaving behind my feelings for you
Depression
Intercepting the world's blessings
Depression
Deception at its highest form
Depression
Dont think for a minute "my life is warm" cause its colder than an artic storm sometimes I wish I wasnt born
THE HARDEST TIME OF MY LIFE
Everybody try to understand
But I didn’t want you to
I don’t think you can comprehend
I'm brave, determined, focused.
However, sometimes I wonder,
Can I do it all?
Honestly, I can't.
Can I go through life,
Like a stone statue,
Without any help
Honestly, I can't.
It creeps through the back of your mind,
Hovering in the shadows
Waiting…
…and waiting…
And then it pounces.
It invades you thoughts –
Sleeping and waking.
Your words caved into my heart
Collapsed my chest
You stunned me with your lips
And I woke up in a crypt
It’s dark in this grave that you put me in,
And I wonder how deep you buried me
Every morning she wake up
wash her face
paint on her socially acceptable face and pretends
I wish I could cry properly.
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror
Staring deep into myself
Picturing the most impossibly
Dead image
Trying to push the tears out
Feeling absolutely no moisture
This is all in your head.
This is all in your head.
This is all in your head.
That's the most terrifying thing of all,
That what is destroying me
I don’t understand why it is so hard
For you to suck up your ego for 2 seconds
and let your guard down
You see I need some answers
because the pain is back.
It isn’t pulsating and waking me at 2:43 am
I feel him on my back,
The demon that’s riding me,
He’s been with me through everything.
Every panic attack,
He’s the one on my chest
Making it hard to breathe,
As I gasp in air.
Oh hated homework!
The constant worry and stress
Fuss and mess
Taking away precious time
Repeats of schoolwork
The hours she spends to be perfect,
the hours tries to cover her flaws.
She cannot see the beauty within,
she only sees the ugly outside.
If only she could leave the quarrel;
just disappear into thin air.
I stare at the mirror.
Ugly!
I blink back tears.
Fat!
I know it's not true.
Don't I?
I look fine.
Hidden under clothes!
People think I'm cute.
They pity you!
Hands grasp at nothingness
Alone in the dark
The light is far ahead
This is no tunnel
Only sky
And here we fall
People in the distance
They swarm away
Don't quit,
When the roads are hard,
And darkness is around you,
Don't ever quit.
You're worth it,
More than the pain,
More than anything,
You are worth more than giving in.
Acceptance is what I choose to need.
To get away from my misery.
I trust those who hurt and love those who use me.
Acceptance is what I choose to need.
To get away from my misery.
I trust those who hurt and love those who use me.
Like a breath of cold air, i am lonely with fear,this pain i feel ,i just can't bear,it is painful enough to kill,ones fragile heart,Like a breath of cold air,to repair the heart,that was taken apart,by one careless words,by me taking out this bla
***This Poem was written to help others who have difficulty coping with depression and bullying who need help**
He'll tell you he loves you.
He'll talk real sweet.
You'll think he loves you.
You're just a piece of meat.
First, there's denial.
He wouldn't do that.
He cared about me once.
In my short 16 years of life I've put myself into some crazy situations.
This person has been around from the time I was born
And if I lose this person I wouldn't have the heart to mourn
and my heart is so torn
because I didn't always like 'em, Matter of fact I used to hate 'em
when it breaks it doesn't make a sound
there is no indication of its condition
it just gives in, falling prey
to the repetitive oppression
of day after day after day.
Love and school and work and love.
Ever feel like your life as a teenager is just too much?
You love, and you work and you love, but in reality in will never be enough.
Love hurts
And work hurts more.
Little teacher in the front
I wish I could say what I want
Like how I’m tired from the night before
From all the things I’m expected to endure
Tossing, turning, sleep-deprived
Everything’s okay, mommy lied
I frequently think of why i belong here, yes on Earth. What is the purpose of our lives?
It takes a while for something to grow, but once it does it begins to blossom, nothing will get in the way of stopping it.
When you look at me what do see?Do you see an original or do you see a copy?
Do you see beauty or do you see ugliness?
When you look at me what do you see?
Do you see a rich person or do you see a poor person?
Picture this:There are two mason jars on the counternext to the cash register of your localconvenience store. One says: “Johnnyhas been diagnosed with stage 1 cancer”,and the other says, “Please, help!
You let others break you And they watch you fall
Do you even try to fight?
To speak up at all?
Or have you been silenced?
By the mocking
And the pain
When they knock you down again
She looks in the mirror who she sees is not who she is.
You are beautiful,
You are love,
You are worhy
You are worhy of love that you cannot even begin to comprehend.
This love is everlasting, unconditional, unfailing, never ending.
My will is fleeting
My love is fleeting
My strength can only fill a bottle cap.
Pain is I
As I am death
No near death
In death.
I'm too young for this
Too old for this
I want you to see
See beyond the masquerade that the wanderers in the hallway notice
See beyond the eighty different shades of color that my hair fluctuates between
i try to be independent, to tell them all that i can do it by myself.
they smother me with their worries and their fears.
i want to live my life as i see it.
but they want me to live my life as they see it.
I wait and I falter,
I'm going to suffocate,
unable to breath,
shaking,
I cry silent tears but they make an impact,
rushed away,
well I tried to hold it at bay,
but my conscience made me unable,
look at yourself
look at your thighs
do you really believe
people would care if you died
your eyes are to small
and your stomach too round
feel the adreniline pumping?
I feel it on the inside. I feel it in my soul. I feel this certain something that makes my body whole.
Now he's dead
No one knows why
He committed suicide
On his first try
No one knows the thoughts
that went through his mind
They're afraid to delve deeper
For fear of what they might find
Overlooking the ripples from a pier far above,
I hear a distant roar of the waves that I love.
The sound hits my ears like a baseball hits the glove.
Full of stress, full of fear.Working so hard, full of determination.A need to express, to make it clear.Eternally scarred, by the implication.Of failed success, so severe.
Stuck in the dark, so bland and dry.Tired of remarks, so full of lies.Shutting it out, yet in it seeps.Without a doubt, too many emotions to keep.
Staring at walls, out of mind
Dark despair calls, like no other kind
Shadows swirling, thoughts racing
Emotions twirling, no point in chasing
High on life, feel so joyous
No more strife, lovely world so glorious
Darkness descends, enveloping joy
Unable to mend, this overlapping ploy
Life can spur.
Love can be found.
A memory can be made.
Spontaneous laughs will happen.
A surprise kiss.
A wonderful dream.
But tears will fall.
Hearts will be broken.
My heart was broken
Neraly Choking
On my own tears
I tried to leave
But you held the key
And after all these years...
I fell hard in love
Tears are streaming down his eyesUnder the desk lays a broken boyEmptiness contains an empty roomNobody asks the question why Under the desk lies the broken boyHe screams in pain
The pain you cause her, is it worth it?
You don't know her, her life, her story or her thoughts.
Why is it so fun to cause her pain?
What if she goes home and get the same tourment?
I look up to cry the tears of the sky,
The gray pasture covering me in its familiar cold
I am crushed under the weight.
People would say to me, Stand up, you’re fine.
And I would try, Oh how I would try.
I haven’t met that guy that’ll turn my life around
Show me the light with every gentle caress
That has a smile that can warm a million cold hearts
The laughter of sweet innocence and happiness
Walking down the hall, is like being on display.
People point and laugh, every day.
The fact and the matter is, is that this is not okay.
I know that I can't be the only one who has anything to say.
I'm looking at the waves, entranced by their strength. They throw me under and thrust me aside, as if my presence isn't a bother at all. Yet when I look into the compressed sands, I see my reflection magnified.
I had a bestfriendHer name was MiaShe gave me tips to ease the painHeld back my hair as I threw up my sinsTaught me how to gag quietlyTold me to never eat hot things
Your words no longer faze me, they can’t hurt me. I cried at night you made me hate me. Your words cut, cut so deep I watched myself bleed. You with your pretty hair and your perfect skin how can I fight back.
As it arrives everything diesThe leaves change colorNature's beauty diesBut one true beauty remains in galore
I wanna run away
Away from all the hurt and pain
Painful mistakes and irony misplaced
Crying................
That is all I know
Another day, another class.
I can’t handle this difficult class anymore.
There’s something on my hand
I have to get it out, it’s bothering me.
How can I get through this class if it’s still there?
Pain like Fire
This pain I’m feeling,
is unlike anything I’ve ever felt,
Lost,
Confused,
Heart broken,
it’s an everlasting nightmare.
This pain I’m feeling,
A lot of people wonder why I’m so concerned on listening to people’s problems and respecting people.
I was 13.
Looking in the mirror,
It never dawned to me why,
Why the window between my teeth,
The disproportionate nose,
The “five-head”,
Too sufficient for just a bang,
Not brown
Everyone's going to have a bad.
Some people take it a little more seriously.
There are people who need someone.
They sit in their rooms and blame themselves
For EVERYTHING.
When I was six years old I sat in a darkened closet hugging my knees to my chest.
Soon flowers will growin the deepest and saddest partsof you and you'll bloom
She liked control.
Because as long as she was in control.
She could determine what happens.
So she would push people away
And soon enough she only had herself.
You will always have people in your life that test you
There will always be people there to knock you down
It may seem that all the negative people are stuck to you like glue
I might fall eventually,A restless coma before my pale moon lies down.Each star quickly fall from the scarlet sky.
It's the absence of warmth.The familiarity of a hand upon your shoulder.It's departure leaving all but an imprint.
Darkness floods you veins,Your eyes have become reflecting pools,Black like dreamless sleep,You ache for the affection,
I want to fall into you,Like butter on warm toast,Snow on a summer day,The fragrance of a slow cooked roast.
FOOD FOOD FOOD
Every ravenous soul cries for
What is food at all?
Is it Satisfaction...?
Or a remedy to survival...think about it -
I see food as Cruel, Enemy, Evil, Vicious...
Stress
If I could personify
Such a thing as Stress
I would call it dark
Or maybe even Bright
As to blinding it victims
from all that is not it
If I could personify
This is what I want to say:
Thank you.
But I have struggled
Trying to find the words
To make you understand
With absolute clarity
What you have done for me.
Two months ago,
I saw your work of art today,
And they say behind every artist there is a story,
behind every painting, an emotion.
So, why do you feel this way?
How much pain did it take to make that Masterpiece?
One step out the door
Come back!!!
I can't do that, I've gone to far. I've stepped into deeper waters and I'm drowing. I've dug my own grave and the world is slowly closing in.
You can't do this!
I know you think about situations and say,
"That would never be me." You say
I could never be that girl that's acting all fast as if she has no home training" or
I wonder does it help
do the scars make me braver
does the pain makes me stronger
my emotions make me better
when I take it out on my skin,
is it going to make me prettier
scissors, knife, or a blade
I live to see the sunshine, brighter than the green on pine
I live to see the rain, gloomy and forever a pain
I live to eat, stuffing my mouth whereever I find a seat
I live to drink, only to end up in the kitchen sink
Close ur eyes go under luke warm water an stay there for 5 minutes
thats how life was for me
'picture a darkness that is trying to take over
think of trying to scream
i cant hear
I don't think they realize
how staring at these walls
through blooshot eyes,
can slowly kill you.
You take so much in society
that it slowly eats away at your soul.
You begin to feel uncomfortabl
Guess you can never tell who's really suicidal
It hurts so much you wanna end your cardiac cycle
What's the point...smoke a joint or cut yourself with a razor blade point
My heart belongs to you
I’m confused, lost, and broken
Help me, help me, help me
Bruised from the massacre you left on my heart
The conditions differ now
Help me, help me, help me
A lot of the time I’m Mid-Night Black
Fearing to be seen within the day
Hurting to fit in with all that call me prey
Now a day's the 90's generation is so much different the males are growing up disrespecting us women calling us bitches and sluts but
We live in a world of the sun.
The light casting eternal shadows
Down,
Down,
Down,
Until it hides us who aren't brave enough to shine.
Heartbreak is not something that is easy to take
For it clouds the mind and causes the esteem to effortlessly break
Hours upon hours are spent of you picking up the pieces
There's a little black box with a little brown brush
And endless colored paint for an impossibly white wall.
Holding my brush, I stare at the wall,
Wrote this in the wee hours of the morning, sort of in a trance like state.
Alone..Always I will be,
No place to call home, No one to understand me.
Pain turns my heart cold,
I'm permanantly sad even though I've got a smile of gold.
Alone..I won't ever fit in.
There's a quiet thunderstorm inside my head,
the thoughts strike across my brain,
neurons illuminate with light, transmitting more than what is visible by sight.
There's a quiet thunderstorm inside my head.
I'm irritated
Frustrated
Angry
Everything is botteling up
Like soda
That is shaken up
Ready to burst and make a mess
Showing my emotions seems like a test
Dear Soceity,
You need to stop with these lessons,
Where young girls are forced to see
How imperfect their bodies can be.
How sex is a tool for sucess,
How breasts are ment for something so much less.
My life,
its not as bright as the sun
nor the light,
but it stands out at night,
my arms,
they arent what they used to be,
pull up my sleeves and
you will see what I mean,
today marks the day that my mistakes make me bleed.
i know, i know, the confessions feed.
this pressure makes me fear the world
"be pretty, nails painted, hair curled"
Soft light falls through the trees
Falls like the last leaves of autumn
Blowing in the breeze
And here I am missing you
Missing you
Tell me, do you miss me too?
You fill me up
Then drink
I am your partner during dark nights
And your enemy
Once you've had your fun
And had your fill
You leave me on the table
And go to enjoy life's thrill
Inside my wall's a nightmare,
A horror I have to live.
I've shoved it down, deep inside:
My place of hurt and sin.
I've gone through many breaks
And tried to heal each time,
Folds of purple satin cloth,
Swallow me.
The lancet from out of darkness,
Taunts me.
Creaking stairs choke on themselves,
begging for attention, I cannot give.
Do not be fighterDo not be curse that person or animal outinstead be a peacemakerDo not steal a thing that you really wantDo not kill that person
I hate you
I sat there thinking these words
You screamed and fought everyday
Now you're gone
I wished for the silence
I got it
But now you're gone
I'd rather sit in the cold
I am disposabledisgustingPeople only notice me to complainI am unwanteduglyI take up spaceand serve no positive purposeI am useless, used up waste
In fifth gradeI ate rotten meatbecause a ten year oldcannot hate themselves.
In sixth grademy dad left for the sixthand the final timeand I started blacking outfrom trying to hunt him down
Anxiety is a bully that lives in your head
I care for himfeed himlet him lead the way
He hurts mehides meleads me astray
When I stopped taking Valium
I started punching walls
And I think that’s a good thing
I’m Seventeen
I’ve been medicated
for four years
I’m angry and I ought to be
A pained existence
Fear creates wounds
Fear is agony
Fear has become pain
Pain that is as intense as a woman screaming into the night
Because fear is the room she has been trapped in.
If tomorrow I didn’t wake up and I died,how many of you would cry?How many of you would sigh,and just move on with your lives?No pain trapped inside,just another body without life.No priest to confide,
It all started with the right hook
A shock thru the spine
Redirecting the foot
Trembling in the knee
and signaling for the left hook
1,2,3,4
Remembering the days her eyes was a beacon of hope
I never really feared anything. But
As I sit here in my room filled with fear, I feel all the screams and anger from downstairs
They shoot up my spine and over-take my body
There isn’t always a cause.
It may be a product of her always planning mind;
Always on the go,
Always impatient,
Always demanding.
Because she must make up for lost time.
The loss no one can predict.
People say life is short,And that "You Only Live Once"But life is the longest thing you'll ever do.Why should I keep going?Why should I keep breathing?I can't find the meaning.
The mists are thick in my eyes.
The Whats I've done and the Wheres I've been
are clouding my present
tainting my future
until I can't see What is now or Where is next.
We started out on cloud ninewe never imagined being apartwe were forever, we were together.We had it all planned out, right down to the day we said I Do.But then the hate startedthe stress
I sit alone,trying to talk to you,but you dont want to talk,you never do,you only have one thing on your mind,its always that one thing.Dont you care about me?What about me?
they don't get itthey don't realize they're poisoning you with their wordsthey don't see that you've got a
As he watched him
He begins to change
He knew he couldn't be the same man
until he achnolewdged who he was
He wanted to change
change was much more than appearance
So I lay here in darkness hoping to find sleep
My logic shows that control is out of reach
Just like most my life these thoughts consume my mind
You’d think I’d get a-hold of my habit to crawl inside
This damaged girl coming from a broken home, no hope left leaving it all torn,
Not a single soul for help in times of discord,
What happened to all the love and care from her supposed friends?
She always comes & goes.
It is better to leave, before she is left.
She always comes & goes.
She leaves before she is left.
The friends she makes,
Are kept for years –
Thoughts are racing through her mind
When you ask her if she's all right
All she says is, "I'm fine"
You shake your head and reply, "okay"
The silence echoes in your brain
I build and maintain this wall, but hide myself behind it's splendor.
A polished marble finish hides the broken skin unmended.
Have my jewels, have my hearts, have my anger.
Writing all of my feelings
Will relieve me from all these teasings
That will make me jealous in life.
I just wanted a better life,
But yet, I won't be anybody's wife
I live in a time
Where people have many walls.
I also live in a time
Where people desire to overcome these walls
In any way possible.
They have walls of anger and spite
Inside their body and mind.
A single tear
Falling from a face
All that is seen is the fear
That no one can embrace
Many ask why
Why so upset
Why cry
Behind the tear is all regret
We live in a world where double standards bloom around us
Waiting for the picking
Like fresh lillies in the spring time.
If you have acne, you're ugly
If you don't, you're stuck up.
They judge before they get to know me, they see an alien not a human being. I am a threat to society, so they say, yet all I ever do is stay the same.
the waves in the ocean flow
through the open holes in my heart
hoping someday this time i can finally see the end of this shining light
The sun rises, I wake up,
the dread sets in.
The voices swirl, I push them down
deeper, deeper, til they are just a wind
blowing back my hair that everyone tells me
is so beautiful.
I've waited for change
But no change has come
Maybe I just realized
No change will ever come
I'm never myself
Or happy at that
Well I could never assume I were happy with that
Waking up with a start, My breath caught shortLike I'm stuck in a chamberTrapped, LostIsolated and alone
I can't breathe rightIt's ragged and shaken
If the sun burned hot enough would I still miss your eyes?
If the moon was always full would I stop wishing for clear skies?
If the grass was green enough would I be satisfied without you?
It rises
and falls
only to rise again.
A circadian pattern,
until one day it falls too hard.
Shattered and torn,
It attempts to rise.
Digits displayed on the face of the clock like a torch in the darkquilt providing little shelterthe arm cradling, keeping me stillI have to face the terror
To him, what have I done
was it worth it in the end
are the joys of love really real?
or is true love just pretend
to love him as my own is sin
to leave him would kill me
i shelter what i feel within
And as the days go by you rub away at me and peel back the pages of my skin
Soon I shall be raw,sore and broken
And as the days go by you rub away at me and peel back the pages of my skin
Soon I shall be raw,sore and broken
I know am not the most perfect, beautiful women in the world, you took me to your home, you gave me love, happiness and affection.
Pain is temporary but welcome it's relief where hurt once stood its a cold blade and a restless night a breeze that blows just a shy to cold pain is me mum doing nothing as I'm used pain is me dad turning me into his whore pain is me friends leav
I tried to run
I tried to hide
Tried to fight the monster that’s inside
But I see an endless sun
I think of when I showed my fear
Love is like a drug once you've taste it
Searching for that same feeling
But I forgot to pace it
A dream divineIs only a nightmareIf a thought is to blind beyondMeasures I often question such a beautifulCurse of a dreamIs it only a reality that we often wonder?
In the midst of dayThere I sit in my roomAnd stare awayMy water is tainted and condensendingAnd my mind slowly blows smoke ringsI watch the stoney trees
Every abuse is not a physical pillUnless you’re unwise and unskilledThese tones stone the insidesOf happiness and eventually toss youTo shame and leave you fearing any game
I remember that day when we first met
you spoke naught and only looked at me and shyly smiled
but
that day I somehow knew that we were meant to be
your brown eyes ripped through mine heart and saw me
I’m sound asleep
My fleece blankets swallowing me in their cuddly softness
All of a sudden my alarm clock shrills to life
When you look in the mirror what do you see?
I see brown eyes that tell a story,
A story that speaks all on its own,
A story that is not very well-known,
My reflection is a face with countless flaws,
Life is a let-down
So am I
Streams of blue rain
And all I do is cry
Sitting on a cold bench
In a cold house
Kick me when I’m down
And tell me I don’t matter
I want to feel I belong
That’s all I ever asked
Now really can you blame me
You always thought, your kids will never know the feeling of addiction, but I went to re
I’m running.
Always running.
I’m running through the forest, and I can’t look back.
I can never look back.
I want to look back, but I can’t.
A tsunami sent by one line of text
Adrenaline floods my veins-
emotions are drowning, tumbling
just trying to catch up with my brain
My heart jumps, flips, flies out of my chest-
I can’t believe it’s already been a year.
Making it this far has always been my biggest fear.
I didn’t think I could do it,
But I improved bit by bit.
My bear is with me nightly, as i fall into smooth slumber.
Sometimes i dream, most times i don't, but its there through it all,
Its there when you aren't. My only friend, confidante.
The Girl Next Door
Dripping in gold
I’m shining in the club
All the men, they want a chance to hold
My anger pours out as I scream for some release.
I want to be gone and away from this beast.
Nothing I say is ever enough for you.
I cannot be content as long as I'm being used.
Set me free I repeatedly scream.
Despair and darkness have taken over my life
This is nothing new
I've gone through and put up with a lot of strife
What is one more day of hell when your life is a pit of fire?
You ruined me
Help up in her room,
No more time for tears,
Another fifth gone,
But it won’t numb her fears,
The words they said,
Even in the silence it’s all she hears.
Ooh farewell
Ooh farewell
Sorry to see you go
My hopes where
For you to come home again
Praying for the sun to shine on you
Never to be rained on by falling bullets or falling bombs
When I was ten, my friend asked me,
"Do you want to fly, or be invisible?"
I chose to be invisible.
You may have had a rough life, present & future – but who are you to judge the future?
In this universe, there’s too much pain
From people to people, it’ a non-ending train
Trying not to give in time
Wasting is not a try
Good, bad, jealous, uncaring
A rose, but one, none other rose did I have,
A rose, one rose, and this was a wondrous creation,
One rose a rose that brightened earth and sky,
One rose, my rose, that sweetened my breath and air,
I was not born mean
I was born into treachery
Riding on glaring black wheels
My heart's left black eye caught feelings
Who knew a handsome fellow
Had inherited Jack the Ripper's thirst
We all have demons inside
And that's not to say that
We can't truly be fixed
See, lately I've found that
Even the most beautiful
People have them
And even the ones you
I don't remember how it started, but if I did
I would imagine it to be like a fog
twisting and pulsating within
the confinements of my brain
A speck
Of dust smudged between "I'm tired" and
I sit in psychology,
A class I should be interested in, but instead worry
About the little problems that I have that do not reflect any other person
Except myself.
This sounds normal.
The point of the pen cuts deeper than the bladeIt leaves its mark, on my skin, the pageFinger print lines, lies on those lipsIt dripsInk glistens, follows veinsA sick beat trailing after your blood
The case of a bladeIn the darkest placeI clutched it through fabricThrough every feelingA portal to a memory long goneThe blood on your handsThe smile on your lipsf̶e̶l̶t̶ feels so good
They say just let go
But I hang on to the edge
Of everything
Is letting go such a good idea?
Ideas born out of 2amGrown to wrap around my eyesPull them downThey will not shutConstant spike of ideasIn my brain, it hurtsThe throb of thought against boneI am not destined for sleep
As she walks through the halls
the whispers get louder
she's listening
her tear drops glistening
your telling her she's not good enough
some say she's not hood enough
she's debating
I feel as if, if I let a tear drop my body would erratically shatter. To bite the bitterness away with coldness. To repress the said with utter and complete numbness. To shiver away the sense of alone. To drift off and never return.
Anxiety flows over you, toppling and sending radical shivers of coldness throughout your body. It makes a cold sweat and a nervous shake; Causing overthinking and a racing heart.
There is a notion that
Crying is Romantic at night
Alone into the bed sheets
But the truth is
It can hit at dawn
Or in the afternoon
In the shower
In a crowded room
In a big room
I had yearned for so long
I had waited for too long
I died inside for too long
no love no compaasion
no warm embrace
not even a tender touch
quiet nights
desperate mornings
Have you ever felt alone. You could be around a crowd of people yet feel like your the lonliest person ever?
Heres a story like to tellabout this boy i thought i knew so wellthought he was the one for me all the other boys i couldn't seeit should have been me and you i could have been you and i
Black atmosphere, purple park on fire
my flesh desired
Black spiked hair with a bruised face
stepping, grass crunching, heart race
Trying so hard to change your mind
To show you all things get better with time.
You can make it through this
I know you can
Your greatest weakness only shows when you stop believing in yourself.
Hands in the sky
On my knees
Nobody heard
My piercing scream
The broken remains
Of the world around
Shattered and fell
With a deafening sound
as she sped down the interstate going 90
she saw things
she saw her father hanging off a power line
a tv cord permitting him death
she would see the cord murdering him
A carefree soul
With a busy mind;
A gentle heart
Trapped in a little girl.
Smiles fill her face
And laughter fills her air,
As she wanders aimlessly
Through her days.
Four golden hearts
In the silent waves she saw herself,
Lost and confused, she cried for help.
Through the screams and moans that came tumbling out,
The distorted images that filled her with doubt.
No longer could she stand alone,
Talking to my mothers graveUsed to be the hardest thing everI would just cry my eyes outThinking she would be back never
cancer regrows
film the worst moments in your life
killings happen on every continent
the economy is wearing a wire
Honorio Freeland
Lost in the World
Who am I?
What makes me, me?
Eighteen years young,
With not plenty to show for it.
One of the brightest students
they call me
though they do not see the darkness
clouding my mind
Want to make everyone happy
they say about me
though they do not see
Like you walk past
an amusement park
But you don't have
a ticket
when
You go to Sunday church
with your family
I cannot say what I wish to say. The words stick in my throat. You don't question me; I don't tell you. Perhaps if you asked, you would know. But because you don't ask, I'll die with these things inside of me. These words I'll never say.
I am a dog on a leash
Willing and trying to move forward
But something is always holding me back
School is a place where I love to go,
Where I stare at a board so my mind will grow.
I love it so much I could go all year,
Yeah, that's right, no sarcasm here.
I love how I learn just what my teachers say,
Therea are days
When I look around,
I see other girls
Walking around
And I just break down,
Like I can't do this any more,
And I start to wonder
if it'll ever get better.
I am not a number.
I am not a rank out of my class, which is a bummer.
I am not a number on a four-point scale.
I am not just a student, and I like to rebel.
I am a person.
Always last in Gym Class,
I Never stood a chance in Debate.
Immediately chosen for any Group task,
That science Fair was a piece of Cake.
Teachers love me,
Oh how they praise me.
Others not so much,
Alex Noe, I love you
You make me feel very special
But you have to know
I won when I first met you
Only been a month
It feels right to say “I love…”
I believe in us
I know we can make this work
Everyone’s a rebel,
we all want to change the system.
We all shout until our throats are sore
but the government won’t listen.
School funding is paid by
the local property taxes.
Not I, not I, push me aside
Light splits where aspirin headaches shine
I feel it pulsing, breathing inside:
The monster, her emerald eyes.
Mrs. and Mr. say she’ll subside,
A tear falls down.
Just one, then two.
I hang my head to hide my face,
But I know he stiffens, closes off, turns away,
Avoids seeing me as he makes his rounds.
Round and round the papers go,
Things aren't always black and white,
There’s always a tint of grey.
Someone's always watching.... judging,
It happens every day.
Teachers never see it,
I need times like this--to myselfTo cook up formulas with words that explode, sending minds into the unknown.Hidden messages through similes and metaphors that'll make the greatest fold
From the moment I walked in,
You judged me.
It was apparent you knew nothin'
I know nothing in the life comes free,
But you told me I couldn't afford
The one thing I wanted to be.
I'm so confuse
alone and a mess,
I'm sitting in this fucking desk
staring at my messy grades,
there worst then a wreck
where can i reset?
These teachers don't help,
In the shadows I sit
Away from the crowd,
A class full of voices
My own starts to drown.
From class to class I rush and hide
From room to room I stumble and cry,
I am the girl you laugh at every day
I am the boy with scars on my arms
I am the geek who hides behind books
I am the jock who's scared of sexuality
I am the cheerleader with the imperfect body
Sweaty palms, nervous ticks,
shortness of breath and feeling sick.
Overwhelming sensation of doom,
the raging need to leave the room.
I want it to stop.
I want it to end.
T'Was the Christmas season,
Where a little boy glees with reason.
He's filled with joy,
As he waits for hid favorite toy.
The little boy couldn't wait,
but it was just too late.
Isn't it sad that I have break downs about school
Every
Week
Teacher I dare you to say I don't care when I cried about your test
Last Week
I become so consumed with grades that I cheated
This Week
Alone.
Always I am alone.
No one to turn to and nowhere to run,
it isn't on purpose and it isn't fun.
I try to stand up,
I try to speak out,
but always I am told that without a doubt,
It feels like I been here before I feel familar with this scene these words theses actions I feel like its on everyones minds thoughts lips tounge, its been in every corner of the world this feel to familar yet it has no shape, nor organic matte
Allow me to clear my throat first
Ahem,
Fuck you, English Teacher, with the same capital F
You gave me on that paper you refused to accept
I know my ABCs and my punctuation
Dancing Shadows
By Laquanna Allen
In today’s society
There is only one thing you can be
The bully or the bullied
Round and round
I'm nothing special
Not beautiful
Not talented
Not funny
Not smart
I'm just an average girl
Destined for an average life
For meaningless experiences
And dismal opportunities
I feel like
I'm walking upstream
through a current strong enough
to pull me under again.
I
Just
Want
To know
If I died today
Who would cry tonight
Who would miss school tomorrow
Who would regret their actios next week
Would anyone stand tall like a mountain for next year
I grew tired of sleepless nights-
Contemplating life while simultaneously
Managing to not participate in it.
Well here I am again
left broken and confused.
They hurt me
and I feel used.
I used to be strong
till they broke me apart.
I used to have life
but now they broke my heart.
as of right nowI'd rather be a poor woman on the street no food to eati don't wont no but if i have to crylooking down seem like i had it all
Believe me,
I am aware
Of every single flaw
Or imperfection
That creates my
Monstrous existence.
So who are you
To come and blame
My imperfections
For making me
If only they knew , if only i could say..i hate coming to school everyday.
Not because of the lunch, or the switching my class rush.
I came home and found you in your usual spot, hiding from the world.
Dark despide the sun being awake.
Your eyes are open yet nobodys home, you stare straight ahead without following my movements.
I can't cry,
Because that is admitting defeat,
I can't cry,
Because if I did you'd tear me down more.
I can't smile,
Because you know if I do it'll crack into a thousand pieces,
I can't smile,
i
i w
i wa
i wan
i want
i want t
i want to
i want to b
i want to be
i want to be f
i want to be fr
i want to be fre
i want to be free.
Where are you going,
I can't find you,
where are you going,
I just trusted you,
Where are you going tonight.
I just wanted you,
and I just needed you,
I am waiting, I am alone,
My life is like a bad fairytale.
Dragons lurk in every cave,
ogres in every shadow.
When I get to the place where the castle should be,
what do I see?
The evasive palace has escaped me.
I am reaching out to youBut you cannot or will not hearCan’t you see that I am in need?You look without seeing my tears I am so lonesome. All by myself
Powerful word:
Ignored. Emotionally and physically.
Why does the world have the mentality of every man for itself?
Feeling lonely and unimportant.
Both in home and the world.
I want to love you for forever and a day.
Til the sun comes down, and its time to lay.
Til, the wind blows and the seas roar.
I wanna be with you, but dont forget theres one more.
My blood ran cold as he looks at me,i shiver as his breeze past me, i look apon his face and i worry... why is this i wonder?
Hand in hand
our gazes met.
One quick smile,
one skipped breath.
Is this love?
Do I have faith?
To lunge head first
or am I too afraid.
Hey Mr. Principal,
Hey Mr. Smith,
I hope you sit comfortably –
On your plush office plinth,
With all your private accolades –
That no one could care about,
To the varsity trophies –
And it seemed
That all at once
The beauty in her life was gone
The flowers in her heart died
The sun in her eyes set
The dew on her lips frosted
The warmth in her smile melted
This is the blood i bleed
There is a reason for this pain
Some people just never understand
The pain i go through is too much to withstand
This pain i go through is worse than any other
--How much pain
How many tears
How many times must I say the word LOVE
How many broken hearts must I suffer from
How many times do I have to stare at a blank response
How many lies
They have told you
to ignore it
They have told you
it's "just a phase"
They have told you
to move on
They have told you
there are people who have it worse
But
To think you would care
To think you would understand
but I liked believing you did
The sweet oblivion was better
than facing the cold hard truth
Turns out you never knew me
Oh how the clock strikes past a quarter to noon
Finally Ill be rid of this dreary math full of gloom
Eventually
Eventually you’ll run out of tears,
Eventually you’ll run out of fears.
Eventually you’ll run out of sadness,
How do I stop from watching the spiders crawl around my bedroom corners?
Are people not spiders?
Crawling from corner to corner making a mess in order to thrive of flies around my room.
It can come on slow and it can come on fast
Sometimes you’d never know it’s even happening
Your palms start to sweat and your heart is about to burst
Love
a 4 letter word, though it holds so much gravity
yet we throw it around like something thats only worth a penny
Hate
A clear-cut diamond ring,
Fall, winter, summer, spring.
Seasons change,
The birds still sing.
Those lovely hazel eyes,
Lies, disguise,
Another surprise.
Who would have thought,
Words of honey can lead to arrogance,
And words of vinegar often sting.
It is your job to educate and enrich,
There is an empty place in my chest, an empty spot where my thoughts use to flow and my memories use to play. The familiar rhythm that's kept me alive for so long is slowly coming to a halt.
You say we can come to you when needed
We need you to listen when you’re called
But you won’t be there when we’re crying
You’re not there for us at all.
Judge and be judge.
Welcome to high school, where this rule won’t budge.
We all try to be that one-in-a-million;
Well good luck, in this world of four fucking BILLION.
I am not okay
And I don't have the energy
All of it's exhausting
It's not that I'm not trying,
But that I can't seem to care.
Notes and tests and quizzes and books
It's all just way too much
I want to be a better person,I want to change the worldBut I stare at the ceiling at nightthinkingIf I feel sometimeslike I can't even put my feet on the floorHow can I put the weight of the world
Racing mind and nonstop motion
Shaking legs and bitten nails
Painful head and shortened breaths
My heart sings the words
Of my soul
It feels all my weeknesses
It hears all my screams
It tastes the chalking of my blood
It smells the fear of my aching beat
It sees the nightmares that I
There's nothing i wouldnt do just to see you again
All the words i've said have no meaning
With this mess i've made i must do all the cleaning
I told you i loved you
But you left me with no clue
Let's pop some pills, Fall in loveCut our wrists and spill our bloodDrink come Gin, let's die tonightCome on Demons, help end our lifeLet us bleed, for what we see
Let's pop some pills, Fall in loveCut our wrists and spill our bloodDrink come Gin, let's die tonightCome on Demons, help end our lifeLet us bleed, for what we see
You just need to last until the break
cramming for your GPA's sake
You twitch and you cringe and you tweak
and crack and you break and you freak
You learn for the moment, not for retention
I know this girl Who has a broken heart Who wants to cry Who wants to die Who wears a fake smile But has a friend that tells her "Stay strong , everything will be okay." She wants to scream She wants to shot But wont....... She remembers all
All the cliques laugh away
While I sit and watch
Wondering where my friends are
Wondering where you are
Wondering why distance keeps us apart.
The teachers will lecture
Used to be friends our first year
Fast-forward, I’m standing here
Halls are deserted, no one in sight
Here you come from behind and body check me on the right
That’s how it started
the flourescent lightson her iridescent skinreveal the railroad tracksof her train with no brakes"all aboard," the ageless conductor criesshe climbs in.
I understand
That work involves coworkers
I understand
That the ability to speak my mind may help me
I understand
That you think this is good for me
But I also understand
I am scared of
this snake that
sucks the life out
of me.
I am scared of
this butterfly that
plagues my dreams
at night.
I am scared of
this spider that
You see a Face,
A Statistic
A Number
Another name on a list.
But I am MORE
-A Person.
I hated
Your big blue eyes when they looked up at me
My heart would suddenly fluster
Words would be stuck
Every day's a waste.
I'd rather have just died.
I try to get though it.
Believe me, I've tried.
I am so tired of feeling
Like no one gives a shit
Not my friends or parents.
Im so done with it.
I always said it couldn't happen to me I always said my heart cant be broken I always said I would never cry I always said I don't fight for boys I always said NO FATHERS ALLOWED I always said I don't believe in love But now I say that you change
She may have finally done it
She may have finally found her path
The sky blue comforter was appealing,
But with deep thought,
She found that its arms of cotton,
Its pillows of visions of fantasy,
There's a saying.
It's quite old.
There's a saying.
That's often told.
"Sticks and stones may break your bones,
but words with never hurt you"
I don't believe that this is true.
Teacher, teacher
I'm not sure if you know
My mind may be open
But my heart remains closed
Teacher, teacher
Please, just hear me out
There are so many things
I'm tired of looking at you
Wondering if I'm doing what's right
I'm tired of watching you kill yourself
Fighting to save your life
I'm tired of you destorying who you are inside as person
I am the spiritual leader of this home, he says
You belong to me, he says
I belong to no one, i scream
In my head....
You remind me of myself, he says
We are the same, he says
I walk into this empty hearted hall.
My steps heavy, my chest hollow.
My core shakes with mourning...
Nobody knows I am forever stuck in tergiversation.
I stand before myself, under siege with my reflection,
I am here, I am alive
I wonder how I did survive
I hear the song; more a memory
I see the scars that still haunt me
I don’t understand
Why so many kids
Feel this way
About living this life
We’ve never had to
Pay a bill
Love is hallow as a cave
Led by its beauty, a great quest
Love is a path for the brave
It will never settle for less.
“I’m sorry, is my class boring you?” my teacher snaps at me.
No, ma’am, but the time I went to bed last night is a complete tragedy.
I'm twisted in the head.
Something close to brain dead.
Pretty much summed it up to all the things that he's said.
The voices in my head won't shut up and won't be quiet.
Little girl why are you crying
Is it cause everyone keeps lying
Saying its gonna get better
But your face just keeps getting wetter
Little girl why are you so sad
crescents
digging in my palms
crimson on porcelain
buzzing in my ears
buzzing all around
burning in my eyes
screaming in my head
copper on my tongue
fire in my throat
You’re feeling insecure
Don’t know what for
You have everything
That others dream for
You are beautiful, strong, and pure
I sit in my bed contemplating sleep
It's 3 AM again, but it is so early
I still have to speak to Jefferson about his ideas on federalism
I still need to figure out how to ask Pythagoras about his golden ratio
Paddling so hard
from the water wall behind.
Too slow and i fall.
Then I tumble and I roll
to submerge to the unknown.
I blackout in the room again
a static mess of where I've been
I wake up in the classroom
and dare not bother asking
why all I see are faces, staring, judging me
Shards of the Future
we start life with our parents
planning our futures
for us.
we grow
up
learning to stand
and speak
1. Scrub your skin cleanuntil the fingerprintsof mean boysare wiped clear fromyour thighs and wrists.
I hope that by now you have caught all the butterfliesthat once freely fluttered within your intestines.And instead of killing them,you keep them in a Mason jarfor the next time you’re numb
I tied lavender teabagsto my whittled whitefingers and pretendedI was Virginia Woolf.However, Virginia sankinto the River Ouseand I,into my bathtub.I wanted to sleepand sink
"No kids?" he asked, incredulous
"Aren't you concerned about preserving your lineage?"
I, too, am in disbelief of such a question
Which implies you are more concerned about spreading your seed
She was a very young girl
Life just started it would seem
About fifteen years old
Life being torn by the seams
I stole this bottle of wine from my parents.
The bottle say red.
I once heard my father say it is romantic,
an hour later
Fond memories, led astray
No glimpse of hope, such disarray
Scornful judgment brings out a beast, so tame
Blinded by its fear, naught bravery remain
Tearing at the wounds that reject
It's just about time,
my heart is beating as loud as a drum.
My palms sweaty,
my body shaking in fear.
Why are you doing this to me?
My name gets called,
I walk to the front of my judgemental peers.
I am scared,
my eyes near tears.
Love is something I don't understand.Hell, I don't think anyone does.When you say "I love you."And they say "Don't."How do you expect me to changeThe way I feel about youIt's not much of a choice.
I can feel it returning,
slowly working its way back into my system;
the depression.
Kiss my lips and empty me, love me long and set me free.
I'll give you it all, even me. Or crush me quick and leave me be. Our love is strong..in harmony
Love is only temprary.
What do you say-
When no one will listen?
Who do you ask-
When no one will help?
Where do you run-
When there’s nowhere to go?
What do you feel-
When all you feel is hurt?
In the valley of the Shadow of Death,
There’s no place to hide, no place to rest.
The demons there, haunting your every step.
Choking you ‘till you have no breath.
The light at the end of the tunnel
When your pain is tangible
You can reach out and touch it.
It’s everywhere, consuming you.
You don’t even realize how lon_____g
it’s been eating away at your insides, until
they finally cave in and c
I’m walking a thin line,
I’m running out of my lifeline.
They’re letting go, they’re moving on
How come I’m so far gone?
Why am I so worthless?
My life so pointless?
I thought about it once or twice,
maybe three or four.
About suicide, and what it would be like,
if I didn’t live anymore.
My world is dark and gray,
filled with sorrow and lots of pain.
Society has spoken,
nobody cares.
He cries all alone,
for the truth he cannot bear.
He bleeds all night
yet no one is there,
not one single person
nice enough to care.
You clenched at my chest,
For a sweet rational moment.
Heart drop.
Bottom rock.
The bitter grin
Made my face numb like gin.
The only
Substance
That can
Be
Absorbed
It takes a while. Speaking. Writing. Communicating. These are all things which people take for granted. Luck. Something which does not come easily to me. Ouch! Unfortunately, this simple word is said a lot. Almost daily. Too often. Brain. Head.
There she was alone again
she made her choice
so we'd hear her silent voice
maybe I was so stupid,
for not seeing this before
This is why,
she cried to sleep at night
I'm a glass house.
Just take a glance, you'll know if I'm home or not
Maybe a light is on, music is playing
Peer a little deeper to be sure that I'm not
Survey my windows to see if you can find me,
Stretched into a pirouette Porcelain arms above her head Pristine balance and tight bunned hair A trickle of salt water dread The lace toe shoe grips the edge Atop the orange lip of God Sprawling below is dark abyss She could fall with just a prod
When I first met you
I was determined to be your friend
Everyday I'd come over
Just to see you again.
I'd do the sneakiest shit
To see if you would smile
It's the most fun I've had
The artist who uses blood for paint
The boy who needs to love
Her passion and fury she fears will taint
One like a gentle dove
Passive verbs will do just fine
Unless of course, you wish to be kind
Original characters are just great
Unless of course, they arrive too late
Use my names, or two, or three
Unless of course, they belong to me
Light.
Now it's dark.
Knife.
In my heart.
Fight.
In my head.
Cry.
In my bed.
Shadows.
Closer.
Getting.
Older.
Falling.
Crawling.
Game.
They call me the actress Because I like to speak I’m wild and daring Not calming or meek But beneath this blonde hair dye Stage make-up of rose Are thoughts much more deep Than what people suppose I see my own faults Though you would never guess I
I hate the crowd, the wrong crowd
That keeps me in,
I'm drowning now.
And there's no hope
No lovely hope
To keep me safe, to keep me sound.
I fall too easy, and I can't swim
I'm sorry that I fell in love
Sorry that I think you're perfect
Sorry that You're the one
I didn't mean to bother.
I didn't mean to push you away
Didn't mean to go insane
I just wanted you to stay
Nights of terror seem to pass
And days of sorrow fade.
In every moment that I laugh
I slowly crawl out of the shade.
Bits and pieces start to form
But some parts are still gone.
I am living
Yet not really living
I am laughing
But not really laughing
I am seeing
But not truly seeing
Hey you…
Yeah, you.
The girl with all the scars and stories to tell.
The boy who sits alone in the corner,
The child with a black eye from “falling down the stairs”,
I’m here for you,
Now and forever.
Smoke swiriling, twirling in the air
Never solid never there.
Like a whisper in your hair
Swirling, twirling in the air.
All alone but surronded
Always floating never grounded;
There are things I should say to my teachers if I couldBut I don't have the courage, so I really don't think I would.
Living in darkness seemed the best way
Light never reached my face as I lay
As the fabric of life seemed to fray
Hateful words spoken in spite
Light was no longer in my sight
For what it's worth?
This is my new start, new heart, shining at the end of this semester's tunnel
To love, to live,To hug and forgive.With out love of others, we live without hope,From sisters and brothers,to bacon and the Pope.Learn to loveto come above.Find the one without shun.
Stuck in my mind,
but I must rewind.
Death seeks everyone,
its part of life.
There is a limit of time,
passes by like the speed of light.
Containing wonderful memberies,
There she lay,
On her bathroom floor thinking only about death,
She stared at the pills scattered on the floor,
As she took her last breathe,
Only being able to see gray,
She was happy she finally escaped,
Am I a game? That's what it seems like to me. See, they play me for some quick entertainment. Then some other interesting game gets hot. Then im left on the shelf wanderng, damn. Am i boring? Am i scratched? Whats my worth?
I miss your smile,
i miss your face,
i miss your strongly supporting embrace.
I miss your voice,
i miss your words,
that made me feel like, the only girl in the world.
I miss your laugh,
I have never realizedHow alone I've felt until this very moment...It hit me like I had just ran into a brick wallI hate how horrible I feelHow depressing this emotion isAnd to think that my biggest fear was to be aloneWhen I've felt alone for 4 yr
Depression stress AnxietyWords linked with school societyWords linked with suicide and liquorThere's something wrong with this picture Piling up homework, Lower gradeWhat happened to being an aidLack of time and sleepLead students to become weak
Depression, stress, anxietyWords linked with school societyWords linked with suicide and liquorThere's something wrong with this picture Piling up homework, Lower gradeWhat happened to being an aidLack of time and sleepLead students to become we
I never knew you, knew too much about you.
I know enough though, to know how much I miss you.
How alone I feel, and how dark this place is where I reside,
with an over abundance of solitude,
Voices, Voices in my head
Voices talking maybe from the dead
Mumbles, Mumbles I hear all around me
Faces, Unfamiliar faces is all I see
What if they won't let me be
What if they follow and never leave
As she closed her eyes she imagined her life before her
Her eyes were bowed down in defeat, in weakness
She reminisced on what she had lost, what she had gained
Society killed the teenager.
What did we expect?
That the words would roll off their shoulders?
No responsibility to collect?
Society killed her.
They said she wasn’t pretty enough.
The Boiler
Sitting lonely on the oven
Currently not in use, just the way he likes it
Consciously aware that his anger will be their joy,
They feed off of him
Where are you going. Stop. No. Please come back. I’ll.....False alarm.....Everything’s just.....Fine......As it always was......
Alone.
5 words.
2 syllables.
A major problem within itself.
Not only are we the cause but we are the reason.
Yet as time passes something begins to happen.
Your the love of my life, The bright star that shine in me, The inspiration that put me to my feet. You mean the world to me. Everyday dreaming about the day we will meet again. Your the sorrow in myy heart, I never knew you and i was like stars.
I was alive when i met you.
Alive but cautious because I always feared death...
feared what it would be like if you left....
You made me live reckless on the edge..
and the times i spent with you....
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A young girl is brokenThat poor girl shed tearsThe little girl is leavingNo one even hears
Crying, she falls asleep at nightWaking up seems to be a curseNo one ever loves herMaybe its time to go home
You yell at me and I stare, I don't know what to do.
I know what I want to say, but the message won't go through.
The words are stuck in my throat, I can't speak cause of the looks you show.
Gently they take her wrist
And break it
They stroke his hair
And pull it
The hold her hand
Then smash it
They teach him well then let him go
They want to teach her about the world
She strokes my hair gently
Kisses me passionatlely
Hugs me tightly
Always loves me
Wants to be with me forever
Cares about me more than anything
Spends every second of every day by my side
Please, riddle me this, oh math teacher-
When will I ever use the inverses of matrices in my short, artsy, creative life?
When will I have to solve an equation to obtain a wife,
As you entered the hospital, and you walked down to my room, you saw me lying there, peacefully sleeping, I looked happy for once. But then you notived my wrist and how the bandages were stained red.
Vibrations in my head’s empty space; unoccupied.
Relative measurements of relative ideas.
And drops of controversy fall from the unmarked sky.
Ebony sky; full of fire’s red embers.
There is no day that goes by
I feel angry with the world
I sit quietly in my room
I pray for a better tomorrow…
How would my life be
Without fear and sadness?
How would it feel to be
I could always jump, you'd find my body in a dump.
Body broken like my soul, for its spirit no longer could hold.
I could always cry, sometimes wishing I could die.
Two lovers intertwined in a complicated web.
One compromised by word.
The other compromised by heart.
One chained.
One free.
The Night arrived room,
The flame lit up the glistening blade.
Her towel fell from her body,
on the ground it laid.
A drop of moisture from her hair,
curved her upwards chest.
Just one person
Hardly lacking in passion
But couldn’t possibly take the action
Stuck in a box
With nothing but your thoughts
Trying to make a move
But you haven’t got a clue
Upon the polished pearl slate
Lingers the past within:
Blood-stained hair and eyes.
Remember the queries and suggestions:
Stay the original course,
No altering just for appeasement.
Warmth FallsFeelings FadeWhat you see, You see no moreConsumed in shadows of the pastDesperately wishing to break freeTo change...Just as the others haveFalse hope and Fraud love
As the sun rises andAnother day takes flight;The blessing is fulfilled again.As the dew begins to lite;My heart flutters,For my love is forever in sight.
The world as she knows it comes to an end.The pain, the suffering, the life of my best friend.Her soft fluffy body so frail and so depleted,I can't help but to think that her life wasn't completed.
I don't know where to turn anymore or where to go
I feel like where I'm at has turned into a black empty hole
How can I ever get out of this mess O how I just don't seem like the rest
SH*T YOU CANT SAY TO YOUR TEACHER
One sh*it i wish i can tell my teacher is that i honestly dont give two SH*TS
about his class.There are many SH*TS i dont give a fuck about or ever will.
You can't tell your teachers that the reason you didn't write your essay,
is because your hands were clutched around that cold porcelain bowl-
throat filled with acid,
your fingers shaking and white,
I keep forgetting to completeThe simple tasksMeaningless.Forced to push myself a little harderBut the outcome is always a stubborn headache.
This is me standing aloneTied up to a tree.This is me with two optionsOnly debating slowly.I've got a knife in my pocketAnd a whole lot of patience.Pick and choose
It's too late I'm dead inside,
Body's cold,
Eyes are wide.
Soul is sold,
One last breath,
Take it in but nothings left.
Floating here it feels so queer,
No sensation,
Under the bleak street lights,
Eerie aspirations of Ghosts waiting silently in the fading light.
Their voices quietly escaping into the back of my mind which is gaping.
Carrying their inaudible plight not mistaking,
I remember like it was yesterday
that we talked, joked, and laughed
and now that you are not here
that is all in the past
I can see clear as day
a smile spreading across your face
Its always a secret
We cant go here, we cant go there
So and so comin, so we cant go
I cant follow you on social media, cause people might know
You put me in a little pocket and take me out when you want
They think she's happysee her smile and just assumebut what they don't know might kill herit might lead her to her doom Little do they knowher mind has the controlshe is slowly dyingsoon she may very well go In her eyes is the painon her arms ar
The pain I feel is from within,
The smile is all a show,
The dreams I had
Once big and bold
Suddenly crushed and hopeless.
Who needs me
I am no-body
Unwanted, alone, trapped..
Depression is a state of mind
But remember this my love
It is a crime
To cut the skin of a battered soul
And to suck the life from within
Would be a terrible sin
This pain it is not easy
Have you ever wanted to die
Have you ever wondered whats on the other side
Have you ever looked yourself in the face and thought why
WHY… HY… HY… am I alive
What is the meaning of life
I ask for your forgiveness in writing this to you, and I can assure it will be my final interference in this delicate matter.
I know the voices in your headThey've reached down into your coreI know the lies that they have said because I've heard them all before
Maybe it's time, that I give you a simple rhyme. A reason to listen, as my eyes glisten. I'm tired of the lies, those that binds and ties; my very soul from becoming whole. I may not be the poster child, but I wasn't raised up wild. Don't mock
Your thumbnails are very beautiful, I’m sure you think so too;
You must be very proud of them, gorgeous, pink, and small;
I can tell you love them very much, because staring at them is all you do.
The days I spent living my life in the shadow of another are wasted.
Why must I skulk in the shadows while you get to walk in the light?
Is it possible that perhaps I was never meant to be seen, to be noticed?
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me
We've heard it, said it, learned it.
But tell me do people choose to take their life because this rhyme is right?
The perfect girl,
That's what everyone saw.
The one that everyone knew.
The girl without a flaw.
But when she looked in the mirror,
She hid behind a facade.
All the scars on her wrists,
Say what you want, do as you please
for I know that whatever you doin ain't
gonna happen to me. You can scowl,snarl,
and glare but I'm untouchable like the air.
You may say your wicked taunts and do your evil
Isolated from your peers,
alone and rejected,
different from the others,
you feel diseased, infected.
it's impossible to change everyone,
difficult to get it through their heads,
She’s far from an innocent
For deep in her past
Lie memories in waiting,
Coming on fast.
The shame and the guilt
Are too much to take,
So she closes her eyes
And accepts her fate…
Fireflies
In a wide black sky
You hold my heart
I hold you tight
Kiss my cheek
Please don’t leave
Baby, I’m here
You belong with me.
Summer breeze
Crashing waves
Have you ever felt Depression?
It's like a dark cloudy day.
Everyday.
That warm blanket you crave,
Smothers you until you can't breathe.
It's that tightness in your chest.
Clenching.
Chains
Chains
clinking metal frozen
wrists bound
reaching for freedom
no key to set me free
or strength to uncuff
I've been knocked down before someone knocked down my door. They been down a street where you didn't want to meet, as well as me.
If you walk into the lighttowards the end of the tunneland you don't come backhad its beauty ensnared youor had it simply scarred you?
The man in black crawls towards the dusty wind,
His thoughts and words swim backwards to the past.
Minutes and hours creep shyly to his mind,
Ticks and tocks fly, this one slow, this one fast.
No more tears to give
All out of tears
I hide behind a mask
to hide the face of rejection.
The face of tired of being used.
Tired of being a rag doll.
For once, I wish
perople wouldn't treat me
We hide in the darkness.
We never come into the light.
We hide behind a fake smile
that nobody cares to look behind.
We hide behind a mask
we built to hide our true selves.
We only show to those who
Am I stupid?
Am I crazy?
A maniac, perhaps?
How can I still love you?
How can you still love me?
I look at you and I still see utter perfection.
The way you walk, talk, laugh, and smile.
I keep thinking about you. But I'm not sure what to do. Maybe If i stop dreaming of what could be.Maybe If i stop thinking of it as you and me.Maybe letting you go is the key.
I loved you
I loved you without a second thought or a backward glance
I loved you with the innocence of a child and left you with more hate than a soul should bear
I came to you all trusting
My feet smell
And neglect appears to be my only friend.
People hang out and talk with me
We share only words
Though nothing articulate.
So heavy,
My breath deep and aching in my chest.
To go to bed
And sleep,
Not for better weather,
You feel it coming,
You always do.
The creepy crawlies are coming for you.
They itch, you scratch,
I miss that feelingWhen I felt the surgeThe boost of spiritsThe sound of birdsThe world was laughterThe peace, like rainBut since it happenedIt won’t come again
i want to read the lines of your hands as if they where peices of paper with a story to tell. I want to kiss your hands so that my lips could tell the verystory of which your hands plead to speak. I want to swim in the river of your emotion
Sticks and stones break bones,
And they aren't always alone,
Cause sometimes words hurt even more,
Leaving behind a heart truly sore,
And beating three beats behind,
My wrists... like paper.
The knife... a pen.
The blood it savors.
The ink, it sends.
My skin is torn.
The paper is ripped.
Blade like a thorn.
The pen, it shifts.
Every scar has a story.
I am the ugly sister. These are the words I can’t escape. I cannot escape the rejection, or the hate. I am the one that no one comes to claim. My sister says the muffin top will go away, that I need to work harder.
Come with me to the room of doors for some funTake a deep breath and open door number oneIn this room livesA teenage girlHiding awayFrom the cruel cruel world.Her eyes are hollowHer soul a shell
What do you actually see when you look into these dark brown eyes?
Do you see a girl with happiness all around her or a girl galloping through a meadow filled with dasies.That's what you think you see but you dont really see the
I'm always dreaming,
Even when I'm awake.
In my dreams, I have control
Usually...
Until one day,
There was a razor in my hands
And I awake to lots of blood
Everywhere...
Hey Girl!
Why are you walking alone on the beach?
Hey Girl!
Don't you see a storm is brewing?
Girl turns to me,
with her long hair and dress billowing in the wind,
and she says,
She glances at the clock,
As it flashes eleven twelve.
She sighs once again,
As she places another notebook on the shelf.
Through another clover patch,
She searches for a wish.
Her efforts to no avail,
Why would someone do such a thing?
Someone please tell me why.
He gave him so much of his effort.
So much of his money and time.
Between the two was everything.
He'd helped him stand back up.
His Holding Into My Emptiness of my universe , while my mind is out of earth ! A start wont probably reach to my hopes ! While im here left in the back with a bag tht was left ! It was left to the wrong person
We hear the kids
they laugh at the weak
They mock and taunt
the people who are not passing or meek
The taunted hide
they can't handle the stress
They feel stupid and worthless
I am not a dishonest personfor I think not to seek a truthin the face of panicwhen an immediate thought springs forthunbiddenly welcomebut mistaken.
They expect so much out of you
And you wonder if they see you breaking
Like how you parents do
when they see you
when they walk past your room at night
there's a little creak of light
Your wings help you fly
your hopes help you soar
but these thoughts are so heavy
they break and bend your mind
destroying your sanity
you try to do good
but it seems that it is not enough
How would you know that maybe I haven't been skipping dinner
for the past couple of weeks?
I'm not hungry for a meal,
I'm not thirsty for knowledge,
I'm starving for feeling. I'm parched.
Tainted, tainted is the light,
No more is it pure and bright,
Tainted, tainted as the night,
No one can see for it is dark with fright,
Scarred am I from battles and wars,
Recovery is not an option,
Life has taught me to be strong,
I have learned right from wrong.
I'm planning on bettering myself,
Making a mental wealth.
I promise you
Life will become easier,
Dear whoever you may be,
With every bone in my body I want you
I long for the day when I no longer have to search above and below
I've been fed lies about you,
I've paid the price of losing someone
I lived my life without a rule book
I'd always imagined he'd be the one
I came untied and fell to ashes
I loved him, he made me cry
The room was dull in color. Browns and beiges flooded the walls and floors. The lack of air was pungent, strangling me secretly. Benches were filled with burdened faces and twitching hands.
The love we built , those nights we spent, we've created a monster with all of our sins.
seeing what we've created and how it speaks the truth pains me.
Day to day this pain arisesPeople don't realize that happy days are prizesHappiness is something I wish I could findBut when it comes to it, I think I am blind Day to day I wish I could riseFrom this pain that might result in my demiseI am sick an
Your subtle whispers
scream in my ears
exclaming hate
pronounce my fears
I can see your staring eyes
looking through me
judging, spreading rumors
lies
But I am strong
A horizontal line,
A bluish-purple vein,
how much would it take
to drive me insane?
A few more hospital visits,
A few more prescription pills
they say recovery is possible
I look down seeing the crimson stained papertowl,
Admiring the slashes across my wrist.
So beautiful.. My own personal art work,
As i pump my fist there's a knock.
What the hell is wrong with these peopleTreating others way less than equalWe have to fix this nowCause this isn't a movieAnd there won't be a sequelAn ignorant mind is feeble
Restrained by anxietylike cuffs welded to walls.Escape was impossible—until I learned my purpose.With a pen and paper,I can loosen the cuffs—to conquer the world.Courage and determination
Birds fly awayAs the sky turns black and greyMeteors rainBuildings engulfed in flamesPeople are crazed, enraged, and others are afraidExpected to listen to what the TV said
I stand here touching the breeze in my hair,
feeling unconscious full of despair,
I feel the touch of freedom.
You told me i have legs, so I walk.
I stand here with the darkness in my eyes,
ou claim to know me. Yet you don’t see my pain, my suffering, my black, shriveled up excuse for a heart. All you see is the smile, the overweight child, the kid that sits alone at lunch. You claim to know me.
Breathing hitch-hiking its way up
BPM increasing like its leading to a solo
But no words follow
How do you sing for sweet release
When fear coils like a snake in your gut
Fangs biting into your organs
Not a sight nor
Neither here or there
A covering vail
Would you care?
Here today but not in the morrow
In view but far away
Yet there is
Nothing to say
Did it once, did it twice,
I moved into lonelier night,
What is there to gain,
When I can't move away from the pain?
Growing up was always the cure,
But now I'm not so sure,
So I'm done.
Cradled by solitude
Because of other's attitude
Death, depression, and disfigurement do a bully make
Leaving destruction in wake.
Take a soul, bottle it up
Pour out a wretched thing.
Everything felt grey today,
The sidewalk, the sky, what people say.
Sometimes I wish I were a tropical bird,
or that I lived in a fantasy world (with magic).
That way I could conjure colour,
In this vast ocean of despair, sadness shall prevail.
Sinking and sinking deeply in this endless pool of rotten loneliness.
But let it be known: he drowned, yet he fought.
He struggle with idle arms and sluggish feet.
I lost my will to live
but I didn’t want to die.
Talking about Ethan Frome,
and Poe’s dear “Annabel Lee”,
I met Mr. Pound in the “Station at the Metro”,
Sometimes, I feel like stained glass portrait,
Changing colors and shades with my surroundings.
Sometimes, I feel like a funhouse mirror,
Only showing people warped views of themselves.
"Are you happy?" my therapist asks me.
"I do not know." I reply.
Because in the midst of all the partying and hanging with my friends,
I still feel alone.
Your eyes through me cut like a rusted knife,Your voice, it salts my newly bleeding wound,Do I belong inside your lonely life?Though you hoped I never willingly swooned,
Life sometimes can play tricks on the distracted eye. Sometimes you see the horizon but not the road ahead of you. And sometimes there is no road and you have to find your own trail.
imagine the surprise on my face
as my therapist looked me in the eyes
and told me that i do indeed
have a mental disorder.
"no i don't you must be
wrong
please check that test again because
Another 24 hours poured into the cementLiving through another's persons regrets..Just one piece of a puzzle, too big to comprehendCant see the end, left the lights on again
Frustration coursing through my soul
Pain and guilt out of control
Nowhere to turn
Nowhere to go
No lesson learned, but scars to show.
No hugs, no love, no friends to show
No ‘I love you’s'
I roam from here to thereremaining discontent.My heart won't call this place a home,It must stay unattached.Everything is so unreal,I know it won't be long.Slowly I will drift away,
Standing in a room full of people
We exchange fake smiles
This is something we are all so familiar with
Our individual thoughts silenced
Silenced by ourselves
We laugh
It seems so real
Im tired. My body is sore. I lay in bed and feel like I cant take it anymore. I feel weak. Hopeless. Like no one cares. I tap my fingers on my phone, waiting for a sign. Some kind of hope. I shut my eyes and feel the dull buzz in my hand.
We sat on the steps of my eroded muck stained porch.
We contemplated our lives and our identities while sipping on unclean glasses.
We laughed at my awful past of abuse,
neglect,
and
insanity
Dear teacher, have I ever told you that I loved Math.
Dear teacher, have I ever told you that all my dreams are about 2x+4=y and "Jonny had 5 bannans and gave 1 to
Peter, how many bannans were Jonny left with ".
The ironic title of a Trichotillomaniac is one not filled with pride,
More like anxiety
Which is the quite ironic part considering the fact that
That is all that the disorder is
Everything is normal,
the people are in a hurry, the animals running around,
my heart is beating.
Then just like that
something sets me off.
One heart two different worldsOne body two opposite girlsOne chose love the other hateOne chose corruption the other faithOne always tries to devise a planThe other simply follows the great I am
All my life I've been silent, Never let out a peep
Even when tumbling down hills, rough and steep
Before I cry out in pain, I hear my mother's voice
Hush! Be quiet. Don't complain
When I go to church
Because The Sound Of Voice & My Lips Were Close !
You Told Me Just Repeat "Strawberry" My Heart Beat 100 Miles per hour!
Not Knowing How and When To Say it !
Poor Child only 9years old !
If her body temp's over one hundred degrees,
she can stay home from class, get out of jail free.
Got her wisdom teeth out? She'll pop some pills,
she has an excuse, and no one doubts she's ill
Tears trace my face as I stand over this sink
I am crying again
Every lecture I get, all the expectations I don't make
Teachers don’t seem to understand anxiety,
They put us in front of a room of staring eyes waiting undeniably,
We are supposed to speak eloquent words full of meaning and substance,
I don't understand why you hurt me or make me have these scars
you always say no one cares of course i'm going to take that to heart.
your suppose to love me and take care of me but you havent been doing that lately
Knowing that I have an attraction for you makes me so upset with myself. How could I let this happen to me?
Darkened corners, shadow games,shaking, rocking, trembling, shivering,curled into the corner, broken, desolate,claw marks up and down its arm, deep rivers of blood, nails caked in dried black-red blood, rocking, rocking, creature of tangled smokey
you've been here with methrough thick and thinyou knew i was hurtbefore i told you you fought my wallsgot yourself ini cant get you out nowno matter how hard i trydid not want to trust you
Molding the clay.
Designing the report.
Inserting the injection.
Many things can not be studied.
I want to tell you
How much I care
About your broken green bottle
How much I care about the sea
And dandelions
And cracks in the sidewalk
Like you do
There are just something you cannot fix
Trust me, I know
I used to write letters to a girl who had slits on her wrist
To say the least, she was sadistic
She was sad and had a sickness
Sometimes I think, "What might've been...?"
And on these fancy flights is when
My brain will start to hurt and ache
As I recall each last mistake
And all the who's and when's and how
Silence
My mother always asks me,
Why I can never seem to sit still.
My muscles tighten and an excuse is quickly constructed,
You see it all the time
the loss of energy
Sitting in a lit room and then
a light flickers off, suddenly
everything becomes more dim
Except it's not as easy as
changing a light bulb, or
As the years escape my eyes. You try to say your final goodbye. But your hand won't leave mine. Thoughts of you fill my mind. Life without you is full of pain, no laughter, no smile just gray painful rain.
A steady rhythm,
A speedy pace,
My heart now seems to race.
A race,
A fight,
What we do in the night.
Loving, leaving,
I begin to start bleeding.
Remorce and grieving
You sent me three text messages last night:
"I’m drunk as fuck over the toilet man"The nightmares beneath my skinthreaten to possess the shell ofmy body.I am nothing buta diseased corpse.
Tonight I’ll sit on thecold sands of a deserted beach,looking out over the sighing waves ofa black ocean,the sky subtly blending into the waterlike a camouflage—they are one in the same.
I think a lot but I don’tspeak very often.
Sometimes I feel more connected tosplattering rainfallthan actual people.
I don't understand myself.I look in the mirror and have no idea how as to how the sparkle in my eye got there.I can't even begin to imagine how my soul works or my mine or my state of being.
He's a failure
In my class he won't survive
17 and black?
I'm surprised he's alive
He's just a stupid football player
Is that all you think I am?
Just another statistic?
Disgracing Uncle Sam?
The use of integrity is nonexisting
Constant insanity is approaching
Harder and harder with the same outcome
Darkness is blanketing the mind
Evil is among us all around
Litter and bodies lay on the ground
I miss how you looked in my eyes that first night
I could not recal anything else
the way your soft skin felt on my cold hands
The blurred memory gave me a rush
I miss when we layed recalling the past
She’s kind
Though she never really says much
She smiles
Though it never really seems real
She laughs
Though she never really seems to enjoy being around
She’s here, doing what she has to do faithfully
I want to disappear I wanted to fade into the background......
I thought that losing the weight would make them like me...... They don't...
I started to get more involved in school no one seemed to notice either.....
why call on a student
whos hand is not raised?
they do not know the answer
so why must you do it?
to embarass them?
to yell at them?
you say its to "encourage them"
but they do not feel that way
No one knows that she still hurts-
But she keeps herself composed
hoping no one notices her flaws.
I'm couning heartbeats in the back seat of my filth
Reminiscing about the days of mindless joy
I never realized how naïve kids could be
Sincerity has drained from my composure
Double hit.
Can’t breathe
Heart stopped
Collapse.
Grandpap dead.
Boyfriend left.
All alone
Cry.
Fast forward.
Locked room
Grabs me
Rape.
I can’t help it
That I must walk
In out in out into your classroom
I can’t help it
That I must sit
In the same place
I can’t help it
That I must go wash my hands
I can’t help it
That I must walk
In out in out into your classroom
I can’t help it
That I must sit
In the same place
I can’t help it
That I must go wash my hands
I think in circles,in riddles,in pictures ofindescribable styles.
I think in chaos,in harmony,in essences ofcontradictory forms.
I find it exhausting,Being in love,And in pain.
I find it unfitting,Sharing so much,And so little.
I find it frightening,Thinking of futures,And of pasts.
Tears like rain fill oceans of sadness;
It’s the pain that we hide – greater than we see;
I’ve spoken to broken looking for suns to soak in,
But the heart is missing
Where a soul leaves space.
Time passes by
Is it already October?
The school year goes on and on
And I'm trying not to get left behind.
I work hard to finish the work,
to have time for games and floor bonding.
One love doesn't last longbut here is one thing it is going to be alright once a pon agogo out and find another one when you are lonely everytime you like of him or her
Red,
The colour you bleed
As you pour your heart
To the stranger on the bus.
Red,
The colour you bleed
As you pace back and forth
in your bedroom
Contemplating
Floating
Leaping
Screeching
Clawing your eyes out just to
Spite you
Spite me instead
I can't live the way you want
Me to. The way you look at me
Tells me that you want me to respond.
Im making my mind up to express.
Living this way is just a mess.
Laughing at nothing
Is funny when its serious.
Im Living life to the fullest
So im a gangster.
Living is dying.
I turned to see,
This mirror image of me,
In her heart theres pain,
As she stares at the rain,
They keep lying,
And she keeps crying,
But no one can see,
This mirror image of me,
i made a mistake
i made a mistake
i made a mistake
i made a mistake
no...it was my fault
the words you howl in pure disgust
the words i take in and attempt to digest
Every single night,the same ol’ song and dance.
Too many thoughts and nothing but questions,not enough actions, yearning for the romanceof it all to return.
What's wrong with your ankles?Why do they look like that?I had a roughly drawn childhoodthe brown is painted with pinkbeige splatters across the waysome white spots are seen.
They never looked into your eyes to see the empty deadness.
They kept their eyes glued to your arms, looking for those crusted red lines.
If today I were the first to die,
Would you send me away with wilted roses?
Be the first and last to say goodbye,
And send me down without a kiss?
I can't sleep; the memories keep me up at night,
All of the things I should have said,
Should have done,
To make you mine.
The thoughts of you won't ever transcend,
The time you were almost mine,
Staring at your crooked handwriting on the blinding whiteboard,
As crooked as the dark thoughts circling my mind like vultures.
My eyes are-
You are my South Wind,
There to uplift me
There to surround me
But never to falter.
You are my Sun,
There to light my way
There to give me hope
But never to dim.
I push so hard everyday
I know it angers you so much to wake up knowing Im not with you no more to drive you crazy
I wake up too but here or not you still drive me crazy
I want to dieI want to turn away away and say goodbye There is just to much painI can barely stay in my own laneI'm falling apartI hurt in my whole body, especially in my heartI'm going to end it allI may step a little far over the edge and just f
I miss you so much I miss your voice and soft touchThe way you comforted me Always offering me a cup of teaI lie to myself everyday I tell myself you'll come back by the end of MayEven though I know deep downYou're never coming back to this townYo
I have left the world of Darkness,
Having stepped into the Light,
A new sensation of bliss has emerged,
A sensation having not witnessed in a thousand years,
Maybe She Would Be Alive Today. If I Spoke Up And Said What I Needed To Say. If I Thought Differently and Choose A Different Path. Crazy Thing Is I Didn’t Think She Would Last.
She screams as the light beams pushing and pushing the wall of despair.
Times of love from above is just like a dove resting on my shoulder.
Times of love, Times of love, Times of love.
You ask why, but I cant give the real answer
The story cant be heard
No its not correct to say the things that happened
Get personal,
NEVER! Its inappropriate..
But what if my story defines me
I avert my gaze
contemplative and serene
we think the same thoughts
memories come crashing back
fake civility in hand.
Things falling apart
All around me
The world
Breaking at the seams
A rush of emotions
Like an avalanche
But yet
I feel nothing
You’re lying beside me
Smiling
Reassuring
Because all the things you've done im like this today. Hurt, numb, empty; whats lost is gone forever. Forever feeling a unsacred empty space. You took the only part of me that wasnt yours, the part of me that you havent already distroyed.
Let me tell you that nothing is wrong with me,I have all four limbs and no deadly disease.No blindness or deafness and nothing that oozes,no broken bones or scrapes or bruises.
Thump Thump even steps on the floor
A rhythmic monotone inciting horror
Who is it that makes such a beaten path
Is it death or man with a thought to pass
Hearing your name
Seeing other's faces
Worry in their eyes
you look too complacent
Your heart feels full
but your body cant reciprocate
People must care
about your calorie intake
Lost and Broken.
Words unspoken.
Watch him crumble.
Watch her fall.
All because, you said it all.
People are different, people are the same.
Each of us has a different brain.
Burny Burny Cut Cut.
Can’t you see that it’s enough,
to make it all go away
and let me live another day?
Slice Slice Bleed Bleed.
They watch me as I do my deed.
Close my eyes and loose myself.
Lost in the world around her
The kids in school call her names,
Mock her ripped clothing
No one knows the truth.
She goes home to a drunken father,
A broken mother and a missing brother,
clouds are thick, the ground grabs
It weighs you down, It tugs at you
slowly pulling slowly drawing
walking against the wind
heavy feet heavy head
forced back held back
no movement, no progress
It fools the inexperienced
and breaks the ones who aren't careful.
It's the thing we always look back to
and always look forward to.
It's strong and brutal;
Happy
yet sad.
Bullying. A subject that when comes to mind, makes me want to cry. I have been bullied. Not physically, but mentally. People telling me "shutup" or "you're stupid". I take everything to heart all of a sudden. I feel so insecure. I feel suicidal.
Small dark places are where I escapeSome may think it’s rather strangeThat I seek solace in this place So small and crampOne can barely breath But here there is silence No yelling mothers
Agoraphobia
Fear of large crowds
I'm pressed up against them, and I can't
Anxiety
Unpleasant state of inner turmoil
I can't help but think of what's to come
Depression
A state of low mood
The child in the corner.
Yes, that one.
The one with their nose in a book,
eyes slowly tracing over the patterns in the paint.
Sharp aches and stabs through their heart.
Anxious fear.
I came here alone, others are apparitions.
Strangers to mother's.
Opponents to father's.
Siblings are apparitions.
Friends are apparitions.
Lovers are apparitions.
When it comes to Annie,
She’s that friend,
That no one wants.
She’s that friend,
That I don’t want,
She’s always there,
To constantly taunt.
And here it is,
The hole in my heart is deeper than the sea,
The hole in my heart is blacker than the new moon sky.
I still wish you were with me, your touch still lingers with me.
As I’m asleep I dream of me back in your arms,
I am a silver moon. You are my world. If you do not desire this gravitational pull any longer, then I shall take myself elsewhere. I can find another planet to orbit my heart around. Someone who does not consider me to be a meteor.
With each waking breathe,
my soul quivers for fear.
I cant stop these feelings inside me.
He tells me to breathe
only breathe,
its all we ever have left
but why?
Cold ice stretching over a fortress of falling beams. Rolling from blue eys come the diamonds of a sad day. Once strong the brick buildings fall in a crumbling rubble of distress. In a silent room a fire is ignited.
There are secrets—Well, there are always secrets.
But there are secrets that lie in wait for me. They lie just below the surface.
what seems so easy
isn't to some
makes them feel queazy
terrified of whats to come
speaking in front of a variety
for a simple presentation
those who suffer social anxiety
What do I have to say?
That I know anything?
Can I tell you to grab my hand and follow me through the woods?
And I will lead you to the path towards enlightened good
Or will we get lost
"You can do it."
"I've been in your shoes."
"It's just teenage angst."
"I understand."
You don't understand.
I cannot always prevail
Stress
Anxiety
I will not begin with,
“Once Upon a Time,”
To paint this as a fairytale,
Would be a sin, a crime,
Nay, this is a story,
Tried and true,
New and old,
Borrowed and blue,
Can't. I just, I just... Can't.Now there's no one around to hear this rant,and even if there was, I wouldn't let them.
I am like a ceramic bowl, and this bowl has many assets.Beautiful from a far, but up close you see my cuts, scars and bruises put there by all the hate and doubt of the world.
The Inner Me.
It's the soul you cannot see.
The pain, the struggles, the beating, and troubles.
I cry out for help.
Suicide thoughts.
No one there to tell me, stop.
I'm am confused at the mind.
theres many ways to show love
actions speak louder than words
many people may recall the scene of pain
to overcome pain forgiveness is the key.
Holding on to that one last kiss.
Remembering what it was like to hold you like this.
My heart is slowly burning to the ground.
With the passion in the love I had found.
Your words still linger in this place.
I suddenly realized
(at five years old)
Death applies to me too
That children become grown-ups
who become grandmas
who were the ones who died
And I was a children.
Welcome to my world
Of lies,loniliness,hate, and depression
My world of tears and loneliness
Of fear and scars and rust-tinged razors
That smell like fresh sea water
somehow don’t satisfy me anymore.
I avert my gaze
contemplative and serene
we think the same thoughts
memories come crashing back
fake civility in hand.
Why?
Why am I afraid to speak?
Why am I afraid to prove I've excelled,
Out of misguided fear that I'll appear single-celled?
Success is what happens when you reach your peak,
There oncewas a boy who rode my bus,
with wide green eyes,
who sat alone...
and didn't seem to care.
There once was a boy at my school,
who was quiet
but had the most beautiful smile,
You think school is all sweet and all.
And you think teenagers like me are the generation to fall.
But you don't understand that outside those silver gates.
Life soon becomes a brawl.
The Hill That Never Sleeps
Have you heard of the hill,
That never sleeps?
We’ve been properly acquainted,
In my virtuous sheets.
Watching-your every move,
In search of flaws.
Words hardly describe The world he sees.Hand motions do notGive him the peace he needs.
He draws then,A mermaid in the seaAnd an enormous ship.
She is sitting by the mirrorBrushing her hair,As tears fall downHer hands tremble When she thinks about last night.
With a blanket wrapped around me
I wake up
The security of the warm, slept in bed
I rip myself from it
Each morning is a chore
Faced with the threat of humiliation
And panic attacks
Looking around, there are smiles everywhere
The more I'm surrounded by people, the more anguish feeling of lonliness I feel
and then you realize, nobody cares and you feel as if you will never heal
How do I keep moving forward?
Do I strum the guitar, and keep hitting the wrong chord?
Do I let everyone push me into praying to their "Dear Lord"?
Do I use my words and make them hurt as much as a sword?
her scars itch as if they feel her pain
they want friends
more of themselves to add to her collection
it's like they can feel her bring the blade to kiss her use-to-be-smooth skin
As my heart beats to the rhythm of love and happiness;
It slips into a coma of depression,
Hidden from my laughter and smiles,
Teasing everyone who passes by.
Days pass of nothing but a drop of excitement,
Is it truly possible
To feel old, torn, and worn out
At the age of 17?
Feeling as if life is an ocean
And you’re swimming, trying desperately.
Trying to keep your head above the water
I wish my life was over,
My world made of broken clovers,
Falling out of place,
going into a dark space,
filled with blood,
nothing to love...
No one can see through my facade,
Can a heart still break once it's stop beating can you believe me even though you know I am lying will you be there when I need you even though when your in need I'm never anywhere to be found when your in need will you catch me when I am
Your eyes are so stunning,
that they could cover the night sky,
and outshine the moon, and stars,
and even all the galaxys combined.
Your smile is so strong,
it rocks me to my core,
My only thoughts were
do you care?
I wasn't your average student
and you weren't the average teacher.
You saw something in me that you said needed to be brought out.
I couldn't bring it out.
Teacher, TeacherCan't you seeWhat this life is doing to me?
Can't sleep at nightDue to memories and fearAnxiety chewing away at meA family that doesn't care
All my loving,
It’s easy to obtain.
Refrain,
Everyday is the same.
What do I have to offer when you’re gone?
I tried to tell you that I loved you all along,
I'm not bleeding it out.
There are no razors to touch my skin,
none to cut it.
Bleeding does not help.
Not like others said.
Physical pain is not a cure,
for this kind of agony.
3AM
(One Cut)
Don’t ever wake up at 3am
It’s scary enough falling asleep
Waking up out of a state of rest
Takes a lot of energy mentally
Like your mind gets tired, fatigued
Overthinking starts.
I want a ......Guy who notices my sensitivityGuy who notices my heartGuy who understands my confusion and pain and where it comes fromI want a ........guy who confident. In saying i love you day one.
Her condition is that she is a walking contradiction, for she is a soul burning with hot fire and coals born into the coldest winter ever.
She’s living in hell amongst demons yet some say she looks heavenly.
Deep in the confines of her mind
is kept away her fears and insecurities -
but once the night falls
and she lays her head to rest,
the doors open.
First Period:
Wake up, shower, dress
Motivate, sigh, late
Again
Second Period:
English, essay, notes
Homework, due date, yawn
Tired
Navigation
Not a single student escapes
the lash of a pen .
A clean sheet of paper is dirtied
with the red of a checkmark
screaming, "You are never good enough."
Chipped blackboards
I remember the way you told me
You loved me
That it would never be you and I
It would be we
I remember your beautiful
Smile
I remember holding hands on the beach
Walking for miles
We are all victims, persons targeted to feel pain and misery
and all that are out to slam a foot on our brakes, while driving they have stopped us
on the train tracks leaving us with what you think are only two options;
Do you see the pain?The pain in my eyes.Do you see the hurt?Hurt buried deep in my heart.Did you search to knowKnow what I have been throughOr did you just wishI let go and never looked back?
This ol' heart of mine will never be the same
I guess I'm really the one to kind of blame
I might as well move on and let it go
Well since you're here I should probably let you know
breathe.
in...out...
in...out...
the calm rhythm of my day
undistrubed.
trigger.
sharply inhale.
remember.
"no..."
push it aside...
"focus."
I said a word
I made a friend
I am yellow
I said a word
I am in a relationship
I am pink
I said a word
I got into a fight
I am blue
I said a word
Voices haunt my sleep.
Soaring shadows awaken
my soul. Falling far,
far, far down into the depths
of ruins and caves you left
empty for my arrival.
The world is confusing.
If a person were to have a physical disability, a teacher would acknowledge it.
They won't be marked for their tardiness.
They would be helped.
But what about mental disorders?
I breathe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Two easy movements.
Involuntary.
Necessary.
The difference between two ends,
Life,
Death.
Breath changes everything…
I breathe.
I like you a lot but don't know how to tell you...why can't we see eye to eye?
Set standards for each other? Everything is just so paper thin. With not enough time,
You see smiles they glisten,
There's nothing else but listen
Dark shadows, cold walls
You hide and try to ignore the calls.
You ask yourself is it worth it?
Not one bit.
Your Kiss infects me
like the flu infecting young children
it finds me
and absorbs through out my body
taking a few days to leave my system
forever i remember the 1st time
the feeling so new
I knocked on the door just to listen and see if she was home
For some time I waited, cold winds flowing past me and down my back my mind started to rome
Alone is what I began to feel but then she came to the door
A minimum amount of words were said, and time was spent together. Before we knew it. Time was over.
i bury myself in facts organization to a faultto hide from the world,from people and fearspeople think I'm shyI'm hiding.i hide in plane site, yetnobody sees me i cry for someone to see me
Betrayal, Bruised, Left alone, No one to hold, No one to love, Blessed I’m sure, How can you be blessed? When no one loves you When someone toke your love. Forever alone. Forever apart.
The first time I saw you,
everything in my head went quiet,
all of the compulsions, all of the obsessive urges, all of the racing thoughts that stole my breath,
but
you stole my attention.
Teacher, my head is spinning
My thoughts are racing, and you
You haven't even opened your mouth yet.
Keep me interested
Keep my eyes on you the whole time
Draw my interest
A man who's life was strife by death left mights in his regrets.
Life can be a pain and with punishment they may blame,
but one thing that it gives,
its forgivness for you'r sins.
As the man shouts to death
My troat is closing
Faster.... faster....faster
"I CAN'T BREATHE!"
I want to shout at you, but I can't.
Why did you have to call on me?
Of the 25 students in this room, why me?
how dare you put me in a box
labeling me because i dont fit in with the hollywood image
how dare you belittle me because im different
i rather be happy being me then being sad trying to fit in with this asshole society
I used to write poems
about the colors of your eyes
with a stomach full of butterflies.
But now I write words
about the voices in my head
and how I wish I were dead.
You used to promise
Is it my time? Is it my time to shine?Is it my time to die? On the outside I look like I’m doing just fine. On the inside, I’m trapped inside these happy lies. Is it my time? Is it my time to be free?
Of days when I have forced my will
To school, and kept myself so still,
And haven't uttered cries of grief,
Of your incompetent relief -
Deriving from your lack of skill,
In the ability to feel
This disease, I wont let it get the best of me.
I'm depressed though, it's got me by the throat, how can I get free?
How can I be all I can be, if I'm missing a part of me.
On the oust side, I seem as happy as can be.
Tearful eyes. / Burning throat. / Stiffled cries, / So they don't know, / I scream inside. / I miss my home. / On my outside, / You'd never know. / I'm tired of sadness. / I'm tired of lies. / I'm tired of secrets, / That everyone hides.
Life turns to death, as the present fades to the past
Its the bleeding of pure silence...
The slow thumping of a partially broken heart..
The twinkle of a knife
Hidden by the night
The ignorance of peopleAlong with the pain I'm dealing with insideAnd slowly driving me mad
Have you ever seen someone going through a anxiety attack?It's not an east to thing to witness.
Their body tenses against their willThey shake and cry with no cause or relief
Her mind flooded by judgment and oppression
Her body aching from hate
Her soul yearning to escape the cage it was forced into
She is only accelerating her fate
She is only accelerating what is intended
I’d say it in person, but I fear rejection
Because when a student speaks out there’s surely ejection
You ask who I am, just look at my friends
I stay true to my values while others change like trends
Beauty is the eyes of the beholder
That's why he always found beauty in my body
And you always saw it in my eyes
He was only looking for one thing; and liked what he saw
It’s funny how someone who was supposed to love me, never did.
It’s ironic how that a person that I never knew hurt me.
But it’s even worst that I hurt myself.
To Open Her Eyes
When I look in the mirror I see a face
The girl looking back at me is so lost
She feels lonely in a crowded room
But is suffocating in her mind
What do I do to make her smile
Her eyes were blue
like the ocean.
The salty waves form
and roll on shore,
her cheek.
The continue to flow
until they drown her.
Her eyes,
the sea,
a door.
Silent, empty, lonely, hated
(Sitting in a classroom, smiling vaguely)
Muffled, lost, self-sedated
(Top grade in the class! Congratulations, be proud!)
Can't think, breathe, feel my way
i am scared
i am here
on the outside
i show no fear
this is new
i am here
within time
there will be no fear
i am scared
i am here
on the outside
i show no fear
this is new
i am here
within time
there will be no fear
loving a girl with anxiety is constantly talking with nobody listeningfeeling like the world is caving in"why can't i be strong enough for both of us?"but please don’t worry, it just is hard for me
I like how the cereal screams in terror as I put the little guys in my mouth
Mmh how sweet, cereal blood between my teeth
Snap Crackle Pop! goes the bones of the breakfast mom bought
Every day seems somber.
I look away and
as I walk to school
I can feel myself removed.
I watch myself sit there in class
I watch myself write
I watch myself get through it
I didn't know before how to light a candleTo set by the picture of us on the mantleThere was no flame to light the wayThere was no night to darken the dayThe monsters came to devour the heart
Tears roll down her face as she sees her lover with someone else
Disgusted she feels
She wishes she was someone else
The anger inside from the lies he told
Disrespected from his actions
He is so bold
My mind is depraved. A sarcastic fringehead, erasing my thoughts faster than they can swim. Breathing in water, my lungs fill with salted froth. I bite my tongue and an acrid brine pervades the void.
How can you claim to "love" someone when all you do is hurt them ? What is "Love" ? People say its a big word with so much meaning... Everyone who said they "love" me, all ended up hurting me.
To the lost, the forgotten, the outcasts, to all those who feel hopeless and alone. This cruel, sick, and twisted world you live in has made you think the unthinkable and speak the unspeakable.
When you see this soft-spoken, shy girl sitting at her desk,
You see someone weak
As I quietly doodle away on my note-pad,
You see someone distracted
When every other girl giggles and laughs with her friends,
Has there ever been a point in your life
Where you say
This is not me
This is not who I am
And this is not what I want to do
Say something. Give me your voice.
"Care."
Reason? Tell you why?
Everyday is a challenge.
A growing fight. An enormous struggle.
"May I say more?" Hand is raised.
It all started on the first day of school,
not passing the rule.
No one coming to my aid,
on my shoulders the cruel words laid.
Then came middle school,
people even more cruel.
I was a fool,
The world moves on around my existence
My friends and family calling back to me
From high mountain tops and soaring peaks
While i stand below
Stuck in stasis
Desperately trying to walk or run or do anything
Their magnetic hands grab at mepulling me into the darkInebriated with emotions.. "NO! Won't stop..won't stop.."A spirit inside me is screaming"Can't lose myself-must keepgoing."
Can I be understood I wonder
I am so awfully unique
The good and bad of it is so plain
My voice makes no thunder
My view is too terribly bleak
My reality too much to blame
On something so horribly cheap
To overcome? You have no idea. The dark is suffocating. The pain is allocating. Try to make it stop. It's not enough. It keeps coming, and coming, and coming. Looking up, praying for better. Why me?
All I am is bonesBreakable and bendableBird bonesHollowed out, emptyCreating a superficial beingSupposed to be sturdyBut empty of strengthTrying to flyAll I am is bird bonesEasily broken
She sat on the porch as she wiped her tears.
Put on the same brave face, the same face shes done for years.
Now she never lets her guard down,and make sure shes always in control.
Well I’ve come to tell you a story.
I gotta warn you, it’s probably not a happy story.
I gotta warn you, it’s probably not even a good story.
But I think it’s probably a true story,
and that’s good enough for me;
Can't take it anymore
Like flowers in a storm
I've always been an angel
With a demon in the core.
I often find myself listening to my own mind
I hear it think
And register emotion
I find it hard to control
It is fascinating
And frightening.
Why do you pretend you're happy? With that fake smile on your face, pretending everythings perfect. You go home and cry... Because you're living a lie. With tears rolling down your face, you say you're okay.
I fear
so terribly much
When I write I want to hide it
stop those mocking eyes
the thought of judgement
is terror
I'm not perfect
petrifying
I fear
My heart is heavy and my head is unclear
Waiting to Exhale
My eyes are watering and my soul is crying
Still waiting to exhale
My hands are trembling and my smile is weak
And I'm still waiting to exhale
Tell me you love me because you want me in your lifeTell me you love me because you mean it from your heart
Tell me you love me because it's written all over your face
After the storm comes a rainbow,
I have been threw that storm but don't know where to go,
where is my rainbow.
I need to feel the calm that comes after the storm,
for it's the only way to reassure my self.
It’s strange.
This feeling.
This heart felt feeling…
Sigh… not again.
Could I… could I really?
No, no, no! I’m not!
I’m probably just sick.
Yeah! Just sick…
Damn, who am I kidding?
Her electric soul,
her aching soul
is scared and shines a
cowardly light.
They call her humble,
humble and divine.
Who wouldn’t love a girl
with skin so fine?
Malicious malignant
Cancer of the soul,
It spreads its dark
and brooding mass
Slowly eating away
Sinks roots
Dark tendrils
Deep into unseen
depths
Slowly feeding on life force
If I could
but for one moment
keep at bay
the pain, the suffering, the sorrow
If I could
but for one moment
Still the tempest
Bring back the blush
of life
into the cold pale faces
Another white tee
Tie dyed in four shades of red
Out of the twelve you’ve already encountered
Bleach will do no good this time
Neither will a Band-Aid
You never have to worry about people getting in your way
Cast over me, a sheet of confusion and foolishness, and yet it took more than one rude awakening in my life to help pull this sheet off my head but I still wonder why do so many tragedies had to come for me to finally understand a part of life.
Crying in the snow will do no good
The tears you cry will never come out
As the touch of blood feels like snow
The animal that lived before you must move on
Letting go is sometimes the only choice for us
I remember one time
Someone said to me,
"What? Were you emo or something?"
And they laughed.
And I laughed,
But I didn't say anything.
To me, it's not funny.
That rusty blade
DEPRESSION
Depression is like the color black, and is darker than the dimmest parts of space.
It sounds like thousands of screams echoing in your ear, and bashing at your eardrum.
Mother I forgive you for you know not what you do
Call me a zero in hopes it'll motivate me to avoid the bar stool
Most men live there life defining and executing functions
I have yet to define a single variable
Hear the laughter and not the end
Past mistakes in my head
Break the tip of my pencil lead
The end of the end is only the beginning
When I listen to those words
I only hope that you're kidding
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I can't help but feel like there is a hole in my chest I keep searching for something that cant be found until I hear a voice saying "Turn Around" When I looked I couldn't believe just what I saw
When I looked I couldn't believe just what I saw I saw a man Sitting on his throne With my mind blown I fall to my knees Screaming out "LORD HELP ME PLEASE" He says "Son what you're looking for isn't on this EarthBut if you can trust me you wil
If you were to stare into my soul
where the feelings are mixed in a bowl
you'd be in agony and tears
not like my peers
with no words to explain all the sadness
Laughter is healing for my soul,
thats the medicine I have chose.
Needless to say I'm okay,
afterall I did laugh today!
Wondering why I may be depressed?
Half the time I'm super stressed,
Tearstained face from all the stress,
Tired of being caught up in this mess.
Faded scars on my skin,
Memories appearing again and again.
We are young.
We are strong.
We are capable of anything.
Sometimes we are wrong.
Colorless and yet so colorful. Madness but mostly wonderful..
Worries, fears, and doubts consume
Hovering and sinking in
My breath is short
The hurt is long
Do I bury the beasts?
Or keep on running away?
Jugular venous pressure is estimated by positioning
A patient’s head at a 45-degree angle.
When the veins in the neck
Are swollen as high as the angle of the jaw,
Blood pressure rises.
I feel the cage
Just beneath my skin
There bending and shifting
Just barely containing
The raging beast
It grows there
It pulled me in like a siren
It crashed into me like head on collision
on the highway of life
I was hooked
It became my forbidden fruit
The darkness
it swells up like a wave
getting taller every second
it looms ominously over my head
and then
suddenly
it crashes down and engulfs me
making everything
dark
Want it gone
Away forever
But I know
That it’ll never.
Focus on one
Impossible.
Focus on many
Probable.
Sadness took over my body,
Seeping down into my bones,
I spent nights uncontrollably sobbing,
Feeling completely alone.
The sadness overpowered me,
To the point where I couldn't leave my bed,
I am young but old
I wonder what it feels like to fly
I hear the whisper of a butterfly's wing
I see the colors of the wind
I want to go to heaven one day and see my grandma
I am young but old
There was a place and timeDon't ever go back to thenIt is just filled of memoriesAnd sadnessOf people who don'tRemember you, andPeople whom you wish to forgetYou've visited your past
Can't breathe, need air,Hands shaking, almost there.Rushing, pulling, running,The taste, simply stunning.
I'm just a typical teenage girl, but I still struggle.
My thoughts engulf me. I wish I could escape.
The girl you assume you know is probably fake.
My Haven that once used to be, is no longer.The once familiar place, has vanished.Locks and keys with no match,A maze filled with no exits, no entrances, no answers.
The morning came
And everything was the same, except it wasn’t.
You hear voices
But you don’t know what they’re saying.
Everything you once knew before
Is lost like your football t-shirt from middle school.
Here I sit upon your wrist
My digital face blinking figures
Counting up the
Seconds
Minutes
Hours
Days
Only to come around and start again.
I come complete with
I'm a prisoner, one of love. Women an men both abuse love. I give my love out freely an
passionatly. My heart lays crumpled on the floor, weeping blood. It's on the floor because
Dark and despair in the air
Tame those people who want to swear
Make them believe in something else
But keep it close to them like belts
Help them decide to take a better path
In, out
Right, left
Yes, no
Go through the motions.
What if you can't?
The walls are caving,
The ground is shaking,
The world seems to be falling apart.
There once was a girl who could never stop crying,
who had so much pain she envied the dying
Her eyes were red as a recent cut's splatter,
but she could never stop crying, so it didn't matter
I struggle to find an answer-
the words I want to say
sit on the tip of my tongue
like sodden flower petals
You want to know why
I am
Me
What can I say
Wouldn't I be pretty
If she wasn't tan and skinny
Knew all the words to country
Like you do
Wouldn't I be pretty
If you drank too much whiskey
Drove home at two
And I waited up for you
I once was a child,
ignorant of the Devil’s orchestrations
whereas Overconfidence intimidated Priority.
Delivery of divine desire upon request
though a coveted dream in disguise-
There is a place I go
When I'm alone
A quiet space
Away from all the chaos
Of the world
that we've misnamed home
When there is time to spare
It is there
That I will wander
Education is spoiled by the rotting brains
Disseminating by the television cell membranes
As learning decreases
Society let's ignorant fame and material things sink in
Getting rich quick is more motivation
Her neck cranes skywards, they are there, beyond the haze and mist of a day long since past. They are there and she will bring them forth. So many times, so often she has searched the endless abyss of the sky for answers.
"I'm so lonely. I'm Mr. Lonely.
I have nobody..."
these words ring true in my ears
from that shitty song so popular a lifetime ago.
But back then I didn't listen
and couldn't empathize.
I had a friend and
My heart is racing and
I think
I don't know why
my heart is racing
maybe the anticipation
of performing is running naked
through my head
What would they think?
Maybe they wouldn't like it
Time elapses where the world was spinning,
the spinning stops,
the world collapses
Collapsing and falling we all break silently
in the spot that counts
soft, red tissue unmeasured
Upon your rest I give you strength
To hold on tight for one more length
And in this night I take your sorrow
To give you hope for a new tomorrow
So take my hand and hold it close
Can you see her?
can you see the acid rain falls from the skys,
every time she crys?
She walks through life with her head held high,
The blue moon is the theif
that comes to steal
all of those things
that makes us feel-
feel those things
that keep us true
blue moon can only
keep us blue
so recognize-when he comes
They say make love, not war
But there’s always a constant battle
With my heart
I’m always fighting for another
And with every battle
I grow weaker
Losing soldiers, losing power
Will anyone finally understand the pain,
the one in my heart?
For so long I kept it there,
but to what end?
Spinning,
Whirling,
Flailing,
Falling,
Dizzy,
No where to turn.
Distant,
I'm alone, with everyone around me,
Drifting like drift wood,
In a mind boggling sea
its funny almost, how easily you can lose yourself
but how it difficult it is to find yourself again
how you can go from being completely in the now minute
Sometimes I speak and lose my thought
My tongue the trap on which words are caught
Or simply I am blank in mind
and have no rebuttal for some time
I am not the most intelligent, nor can I speak on the most relevant
Why is he staring? Staring at me?
Does it look like I'm glaring?
I'm just clarifying.
I'm just noticing what I say or what I don't,
Too much or not enough,
All clouding up me like a smoke puff.
Finding words that capture precise feelings has never been easy.
When a shy 5'3 introvert needs to confront someone suddenly.
My tongue bashes and rambles, cheeks flush while nonsense speaks,
and I only have
the sound of
your footsteps
committed to memory.
because the only
memory I have of you
is the one of you walking away.
He had a bad habit of catching lightningHe strode along the streets collecting the lightning that fell from the eyes of people he passed.
Writing gives me the power to feel free
Takes away the anxiety
Enforces me, encourages me, strenghtens me
When i'm too shy, too scared, too timid, not having the gut to say something out loud
I write because I have too many scars on my wrists
I write because I don't need to add to my collection of hospital bracelets
I bleed ink into the paper
I spill my thoughts to people I won't ever meet
Quiet girl, quiet girl
Speak up? She’d rather die
Tenses up in conversation
No one wonders why
Never talks to anybody
Isolation is her self-defense
Hides behind bangs too long
There's something less than vaguely human on this face
Something that speaks to terror and violence and hands curled as claws in the night, muscles twitching for blood
Miss that girl, she used to always smile
She loved talking to her friend and hanging out
She loved to smile
Loved to talk
I do not understand what is wrong
She cries herself to sleep
"What shall I say
Whether or not be truthful
Or bask and in my sorrows all day.
What shall I say?
Sometimes a piercing gaze puts the pain back
And I shut it away.
What shall I say?
don't touch me! don't look at me with your eyes!
let go of me!
times like this scars reappear.
fall on the cold ground,
embrace the air,
curl in a ball.
try to feel anything other than you.
Bland.
Broke.
Hopeless.
Pain beyond understanding.
It cries out to be fed.
But, the truth is
the food is gone.
Without you here
makes me dead,
makes me want to die.
(For full effect, listen to 40 Part Motet- Spem in Alium by Thomas Tallis)
Today I was anxious and in a rumble,
but I tried to stay positive and not stumble.
I looked out the window and saw the blues, the grays, whites and greens,
One Ignored
Lilies do not verbally express their want
For your admiration
But dear, look at her colors, do they not
I thought my first love will be my last
I thought its you that I belong to
But now, what I once thought remains as thoughts
For you are now waiving goodbye.
All your smiles are for me
Behind the door there is another lie
With these two I don’t even get a break
Having to deal with these two until I cry
Staying there will be another mistake
Was walking away, forgetting it all
Angel, oh angel,Why have you forsaken me,Cast me out for nothing,Thrown me to the ravenges of the dark?All this pain,All this torture,For a simple change in thought?Do you know not what I feel,
We have forgotten,
Summer’s last innocence at
Sunset,
How the colors melt into
Oranges and
Yellows and
Purples…
And that faint breeze
That
Used to tell us
We were forgiven.
It’s 3am and I can hear myself breathing but I’m questioning the breaths.
What if I told you that I’m not really here?
I am just a blurry vision in the mirror where I slice my wrists and hold them up to God.
Why I write
all we did was make eye contact.
but in that instant
between my blink and her smile
I still find myself chasing the impossible.
So desperately trying,
only knowing nothing but failure.
nothing but pain.
I only want the things I can't have.
She enters the setting,
With a mindset cluttered in utter agony,
But her beaming grin seems so effortless,
Despite the distress staining her heart and soul,
The loons call in the night,
spreading my heart open.
Scarred feet slide across the tile floor,
slipping away in her nightgown.
Down the newly wet grass gateway,
advancing into the shocking water.
You pretend like nothing's wrong with this,
you simply like the pain.
With others you're happy and bubbly,
yet once you return home
you're transformed to another being.
You wrist becomes a board for cutting,
Dark temptations,
in my mind its crazy
a woman whose pregnant said its mine im waisted
on some ...
told her to abort,
shes worried
but said this seeds thats inside is chosen
My heart rises and falls
As a tide on a moonlit beach
With each movement comes pain and also fulfillment
I feel the sweat drip, down my face on off my cheek
The pain, brings its own form of motivation
A thought races
Quickly and quietly
Through the trenches of my mind
It lasts only a moment
And it fades forever into nothingness
I turn
Again, as if by nothing more than black magic,
Born into a world were it’s not guaranteed I’ll succeed.
I still reach high, breaking stereotypes as I go.
I graduated from High School; I am in college.
What else is there left to achieve?
As I sit and think… LIFE.
Dark brown eyes with a personality that brightens any gloomy situation
No one can pronounce the name but remembers the face and the smile
I been determine, I been determine all these years to win, To be sufficient enough to achive,But, But what happens when your inner self, Controls your outer like a never ending, Eclips top in a swirl of hate, Failed, Betrayal, worse of all presure
Before my known days
The sun shone splintering rays of diamonds
With gorgeous scenery to complement
Bliss was rampant
Faith out-lasted
And dreams materialized into obtainable goals
But yet
Why do I write?
Ha
Why do you breathe? Why do fish swim? Why do plants photosynthesize?
Writing to me is not only a way to express myself,
but
a suicide prevention plan,
an escape from reality,
Why do I write?
Ha
Why do you breathe? Why do fish swim? Why do plants photosynthesize?
Writing to me is not only a way to express myself,
but
a suicide prevention plan,
an escape from reality,
Two Weeks:
Two Weeks
Two Weeks too long
Two Weeks dragged on
Two Weeks ended wrong
Two Weeks long gone
Two Weeks
Who would have thought it’d end this way. The crows flying above and the people screaming out of love. The car came out of thin air it seems.
When you look at life as an Ocean, you will suddenly start sinking.
You see the beauty all around, as you struggle to keep breathing.
Your lungs are full of water, the oxygen is depleting.
The clock struck one and shadows danced,There I was among the ants,The dark sky roared a somber tune,Of thunder and droplets to drown me soon,A heart of mud slipped out my chest,
Friday
I need to deposit this check and I need to buy food.
But I fear the banker’s scowl and that cashier who was rude.
I forget the proper way to fill in the deposit slip
For too long, anxiety and depression have been the rulers of my life.
A ruthless king and his queen, with faces of iron and eyes of flame.
Trauma is the groom, waiting for PTSD, his soon-to-be wife.
An Unexpected Therapist
I wrote because of a snake that slithered through my vessels,
Wound around my lungs and constricted,
Sank fangs into my heart and
Exchanged venom for life.
The world before me
Is dark and dangerous
What lies ahead
Is foreign and uncertain
I write on paper
What I am unsure of
So that maybe my words
Can guide me to answers
Anxiety ruled
Emphasis on past tense used
May have saved a life.
Maybe there’s no right or wrong way to feel about you;Only wrong and maybe rightOr just maybe and might, could beIf you know how to spin it that way,If you can play with your speechAnd teach your tongue to
You fill in my stomacah and make me quail and quiver depending
on how I look at your useless intent at making me deliver
a false pretense of myself before others knowing that I
would not even front for my brother whose
Sometimes you watch yourself, understanding why you don't-care,Seeing several different roads, realizing they all lead to no-where,Walking down a flight of steps, hoping the devil won't-stare,
The first day of fourth grade-
Mom always went on the first day,
but today she didn't.
And I'm far from okay.
I don't know what to say
and all I can do is pray
that nobody will talk to me.
They always tell you not to cry over spilled milk,
for better fortunes will follow,
and all will be okay.
But sometimes, when the cup is tipped over,
the situation does not just concern the dropped drink,
Dark arms reach up inside my mind,
slithering through, coating
my thoughts with a thick film.
They become obscure.
Now the bombs explode,
cascading silent sparks-
the clanking pots and pans
Let me tell you a little story about a small town girl with many dreams
Dreams so wide, dreams so high that sometimes she believed she couldn’t reach
Throughout her life she wanted and wished for someone to hold her hand,
Just breathe
That’s what they all say
It will all be okay
Just breathe
That’s what they ALL
Say, time and time again
Over and over
Back and forth I go,
Swinging to and fro,
As the world spins below,
For a reason I do not know.
Pumping my legs and gaining height.
Thinking that the spinning would stop and hoping that it might.
Society is large and society is vast.
We learn about our history and past.
As we learn about it was anticipate the future.
We ask many questions of what it will be like to our teachers or tutor.
Don't stay in my thoughts
That's not a safe place.
If you're running through my mind
You might be trying to escape.
I will crush you with my care
I will kill you with my sweetness.
Sitting there
My mind begins to turn
Without comprehension
My thoughts become a concern
A flash of nerves
From top to toes
Pounding harder in my chest
My throat then to close
Anxiety
I feel helpless and hopeless
As if no one understands
I am scared
But of what?
I am scared of myself
I need an outlet
I need a path
Why is this happening to me?
Farewell Stranger, your travels have left scars across the surface of the land.Your words cast into flames of open fury and now personal thoughts of tranquility lay quiet.
No longer is there a selfOr even a persona you could call someone elseIf there was ever a true selfHe died long ago.So the masked figure you see before youBroadcasts lack of identityRefusing weakness,
My father is a jokerand I love him with all my hearteven though his jokesaren't funny at all
Screaming,crying,breathing heavily,these were never in the brocure that they gave me
A bare rubber sole taps hastily agaiunst the linoleum tile, pencil erasers bounce continuously all the while. In accordance with a strict militant cadence, the test takers continually lose patience.
Rapid thoughts,
Confusion, chaos,
Anxiety wraps its heavy hand
Around my thinning breathe.
With so few hours,
to do so much.
Will I ever be good enough?
Cliché, I know
The waves crash over me. Suddenly I'm lost. Lost. So lost. I try to kick my way to the surface, but there always seems to be an invisible boundary. One that I can never cross. But I suppose it's okay now.
It is like having depression When nearly nothing makes you smile And you’ve lost all interest in everything It is like being bipolar One minute you’re happy The next minute you’re on the floor Staining the carpet with your tears It is like an eati
Count the stars illuminating Vermont’s mystic forests
On a late night in June
Count the notes the chickadees exchange there
Slightly out of tune
Count the buttons you’ve collected in an old shoe box
Carefully, carefully, carefully you step-
The lines drawn without embellishment or
The possibility of such an accompaniment
A room filled with absence and the
Phony smiles play at tired lips
Passing through the halls hearing whispers unspoken
Sitting at a desk, feet shuffling impatiently against the floor
You're always running in the opposite direction.
I am worried that I am not smart or
funny or insightful.
So I say nothing.
What I feel has no words. The banging of
metal parts in my lungs. The grind of gears
Tossed out of the ocean
I’m gasping
God take me back
This agony is everlasting g
Deaths cold fingertips
Tantalize and twist
She drifted slowly to sleep,
opening her eyes for only the slightest moments,
trying to keep herself awake,
commanding her eyes to cease their throbbing…
but they wouldn’t listen,
she had no authority…
Autumn comes and goes and soon the flowers die
No Honeysuckle to last as the cold encroaches on her
Down the hillside she use to grow but wilted stalks now lie
Not to rise again ‘til spring so winter’s wind cannot shiver
The dots on the wall become bugs; crawl.
Your second skin implores you to buy in.
Allow the separation of sanity to fall,
Like the rain of grace, with razors instead of peace.
The vociferous outward expression;
Seven girls danced on a hill,
On the last day of December.
It was a short moment to fill,
Wishing this time would last forever.
As winter was moving to spring,
Seasons of life moved as well.
If words can be a weapon and a bandage both
Forgiving and transgressing with a little flick
Yelling and whispering complements and jeers
On this I then wonder why they need not a leash
No one will understand why,
They won't try to either.
Comes out of no wheere, like you've been struck by lightning,
Sends unwanted tingles througout your entire body.
Sweat drips
Speech goes
Eyese close
Torn in each direction
Heavily each force draws
Enveloping the sole will
Yearning to be free
Except it’s not enough
X over each lie and fault
Perceiving gone they still are there
Yesterday is one less piece in forever.
Onward moving without regret,
Understanding nothing of human pain.
Sometimes it would be nice to put Time on a leash,
Eventually It could understand what it puts us through.
A Spanish final.
An oral Spanish final.
After weeks of studying,
I know what I need to know.
But when my name is called,
all that information goes out the window.
"Cuantos hermanos tienes?"
There is something missing between there and here
Hope is not enough to cross the great divide
Everything is riding on this
Choosing whether to stand or run
Having lost sight of the road
Under darkness we fall
Have you heard a mocking bird?
Every time he sings it is another bird’s song—
Just mockery exits his throat,
Only to lure someone into a bigger trap.
I know some mocking birds well—
Never a fowl word,
Maybe this is a beginning of a story,
You’ll never know.
Far from the beginning and the end,
Another person might see the truth.
The question is can you?
Hearing only what you care to,
I would say I love the like the night loves the day,
But we cannot correlate the feelings of all the times I created each one.
My poems were a song of sorrow,
They expressed my deepest anger with the world I used to know.
My brain struggles to translate.
There are multitudes of boxes and spilled paperwork,
Squares and circles and words running down the walls
All by themselves.
I love them
As I aim to try, though I work and cry,
It's all just a lie which I will not deny.
I try to gain, in introspect,
A sense of wonder and respect.
Anxiety and depression
Constant thoughts and second guessing
My mind won't stop
And failure to resolve is inevitable
alone
strictly practiced
discipline on cold tile
unforgiving
begin
swelling
rushing water
a raging orchestra
filling the tub
distract
My world was turning
crashing.
I try to stand
one hand against the wall.
Efforts with no reward
left in vain.
Aching painfully
tears of frustration running down my face.
Everything is turning.
A single breath
One with no meth
Last time, I agree
Never, now I see
My arms, in the light of the bar
Are covered in hundreds of scars
Some bottomless and some shallow
And my wallet, very hollow
I was a Stopper, a panic, a coil,
Watching. With Awe. as my life would spoil
Away with fear as I lay in my slumber.
Falsely believing my days were numbered.
sometimes i see sharp objects
blades that will pierce the skin
till red hot flames come out the body
in time the wound heals, it becomes
just a scar of what had been damaged
I don’t feel like writing. Articulating your thoughts and emotions is hard. My mind is disorganized. I am overflowing with ideas, anxiety, self consciousness. My thoughts are incoherent, and I use poor grammar. I can’t really type.
I still cannot remember
Falling so deep into a puddle of dirty, blinding mud.
Memories glimpse through my aching mind,
Memories that so desperately want to be refreshed.
I still cannot remember
Learning acceptance of what cannot be changed,
Gaining knowledge of destruction,
Unveiling of the path which cannot be ignored,
Learning old ways which cannot be ignored,
Save me;
I'm dying on the inside
Lift me;
Pick me up from where I've fell
Wake me from this sick nightmare I'm in
Someone get me out of this hell
Help me;
Standing absolutely still,
big, and tall in their dull surroundings
they wait patiently
for their next victim
Without hesitation, he attacks me.
I worry every day, every moment,
If he will strike again.
Living in fear is no way to be, yet
I must say to myself constantly:
Breathe. Nothing can hurt me.
I can feel it in my heart
I can feel it in my soul
it's ripping me apart
what a terrible hole
The conflict never ceases
only increases
It creeps up on me
Slowly and surely
I feel it grasping thee
Around my heart the feelings curly
Closing in I can't think
Everything spins I can't see
I was doing so well I hit a kink
Every time I seem to catch my breath I’m pulled right back under by another wave. Thrashing around and struggling to stay afloat, I think that’s more of a joke. I can’t breath, my lungs are constrained by the pressure.
You help me when I’m in need,
and desperate.
I can feel you there with me
when nobody else is around
and I’m crippling in on myself,
lost and alone, streaks of salty water
it's like im drowning
not in water
but in ice.
I'm trapped in my thoughts,
captive in my own mind.
Frozen in place,
the cold filling my lungs
i can't give up
but i can't move on.
It must have been cloudy --
for this pain in my chest is heavy.
And as you speak, the rain begins to fall,
soaking my skin;
sending shivers to my spine,
with every step you took.
i can't explain, but let me apologize.
i know i worry you when i cry like that,
when water floods my eyes whenever i look up,
when my voice breaks before i say one word.
I’ll stay up hours to burn up the midnight fuel within my core and drown out the nerved voice inside that is never content. Like breaking a fever, I either run it rampant, or it will run me dry.
weakness
in my lungs
in my ribs
and I don’t
want to understand
“Here we go again!”
I realized
when I start
to feel depressed I say
I don’t feel so good
I don’t feel good
I am
broken wrong crooked
The Blackest night and Hottest fire
Within my Soul I feel
The Frozen sadness I admire
The pain it seems so real
Flowers will wilt and friends will die
I walk this world alone
I feel the hatred Burn inside
My days are blurring over
Everything turning into one dark grey
The thoughts I think all different shades
Cool, Dark. Subtle, Sudden. Shocking, Gawking…
The greys chase eachother through my mind
my reflection is looking at me
she’s examining every part her body
I watch as tears fill her eyes
she’s an abomination
Wallowing in self-hatred
I am nothing therefore deserve nothing
Longing for an escape
Incarcerated in my own thoughts, there’s only one option
Tears stream down my face as my mind begins to scatter
Feelings of hopelessness overwhelm my being
Depression is no longer a word, it’s a part of me
I can’t breathe
Coping mechanisms have increased
Until loads of weight are placed onto my shoulder
Relapses from what I once was
From what I once did
the rain is pouring
an old man sits on a bench in an open field and looks up at the sky
he reaches for the shovel
he begins to dig
i've prayed in bathrooms
and i've wept into bus seats
i've bled onto post office keys
to dropboxes i never visited
i bought a pet spider after
a fifteen-minute deliberation
Worrying is what I do
Whether or not the reason is true
I try to be peaceful in my place
But my anxiety runs up into space
Live life
Love life
Live happy.
Be happy
Stay happy
Live a life of happiness and always be alive.
Jaw clenched, eyes shut, trapped in this nightmare
that’s very much my reality.
Everything that’s mine is no longer for me,
everything I want is far out of reach.
In my sleep, I dream of my every anxiety,
Time is the wind in this storm
A storm for both my body and mind
My life is frozen, but time still runs
Unliving, but faithful
Unconscious, but consistent
I’m a victim of my own mind.
I can never sit in the front row for anything.
I never talk about my feelings because the fear of being thought of as dramatic haunts me.
Anxiety overwhelms me.
Night is gone and it is still dark
Thinking is beyond me,
But, nevertheless, thoughts rattle my sleep
Certain ones are taunting.
Wile E. on the hunt to capture Roadey
Devising devious schemes
To get you here with me
Backfiring
The imagery echoes in brain,
Never stopping and no gain.
Same thing over and over,
But no matter what there is no closure.
Discouraged, Depressed, Alone:
Three Words That i Had Known.
Behind my Smile And Behind my Laugh
No One Knew Even Half.
The patronizing clock,
It ticks and it tocks.
I lay here in a daze,
My thoughts go insane.
My dreams are standing still,
Watching,
Waiting,
As my sleep runs away.
the tiger.
he watches me.
he mocks me.
he destroys me.
his bright eyes watch.
his bold stripes warn.
his trained ears wait.
I am so fatigued; my eyes have grown fuzzy,
The words have turned rigid and bland.
From White to Grey to Black-
I can feel the slipping of sand.
Every second, every minute, every day,
Imagine you're drowning,
and running out of air.
You feel the burning in your lungs,
the tightness in your chest;
like someone is pulling a corset tighter and tighter.
Then realizing you're about to die,
Drive,
ambition, my motivation, my goal
my purpose in life, my sole
reason for surviving this internal struggle
This down and out state and multiple
thoughts I juggle
She's damaged love
Waiting for someone to understand
Brokenhearted
And broken minded
She won't think of complexity
Because that brings up her anxiety
She pretends she perfect
looking back its clear to see how i got here. how i ended up with skin tougher than hide from the years of cuts. how my glare shows even when im out of focus. how i self destruct to avoid facing the issues.
You care huh? Where were you when blood dripped down my arm? Where were you when my pillow soaked with tears? Where were you when I was drowning in my own tears? Where are you now.
To resist an opportunity in the midst of our days
by the sunlight catching the inner core, it holds
weakens the penetration of the mind,
the many splitting of the selves,
the gold no one can take
Immersed in his rest,
So buried within the dream,
He couldn't clasp the enkindling air approaching his door.
