anxiety
Learn more about other poetry terms
I waltz around the corner,
Hoping, but dreading, for something,
someone, to lift me from this ground
as I reach the depths of the sun.
Everything seems so close yet so far,
Been a minute since I felt like Steve,
A longer minute, since I wrote like this.
Happy, is what I need,
Small, how I usually feel.
Been a minute since I felt like Steve,
A longer minute, since I wrote like this.
Happy, is what I need,
Small, how I usually feel.
I am swimming as hard as I can
I am way past the point of tired
no matter how hard I swim I am still drowning
I have no sense of hope left
Days and days pass by and nothing is changing
I’m trying my hardest to beat this, the pills ,
the exercises, the breathing. And nothing. still the same,
no drug can fix me
I never want to hurt you
I want to be like this forever
I hope I didn’t hurt you
Ooh I hope this doesn’t hurt you
—
College
Is always a prominent weight on my shoulders
Is a monster hiding under my bed waiting… waiting… waiting.
College
Is always a prominent weight on my shoulders
Is a monster hiding under my bed waiting… waiting… waiting.
College
Is always a prominent weight on my shoulders
Is a monster hiding under my bed waiting… waiting… waiting.
Running away from the fear of the shadow Running away from the face of death. Losing myself to the fate of the helpless Losing myself to this fate that I've met. Keeping my way on the path that I've set. Pausing only to make sure I didn't forget
Everyone says," Why he is like that?" What? Black or insane?
Then I tell them about my pain, my suffering, and they all say the same
Why would I be lying on my dead friends name? I was 8 when I first took drugs- I was in vain
No you're not.
No it didn't.
No you don't.
I can't handle that.
I can't deal with you right now.
You are ten years old.
I'm sure you're just exaggerating, she's not that mean.
She woke up at peace soon frantic to find something to occupy herself with.
The peace was too still and the noise was too quiet.
I feel Jagged lines on my arms.
My brain fills with the painful memory as I relive my worst pain.
I break down and cry.
I struggle of keep my will up.
A ghost
From so long ago
Submerged
It emerges
And echos from the past
Rise through your chest
Like a crisis
A chorus of sobs and heaving
All the way into and through
Your gut
I wanted to be a singer.
I wanted to be so many things
Things you used to tell me I could
Things you told me I would be
But I can’t
I never could
And all I can do right now is
I’m really proud of the person I’m becoming.
I’m constantly advocating for my rights!
Even in situations where I should just keep quiet…
My grades are really good right now!
Picking petals off English daisies
Never felt this lazy
Sitting beneath autumn-colored trees
The view is shady
Watching friends frolic, dogs crashing into piled leaves
My mind is hazy
I don't know why i'm like this
I never knew the cause.
I'm so cold and shaky
But now, at only 12, anxiety has swallowed me in its big jaws.
Start acting like you’re okay
This pain will never go away
Don’t let them really see
The monster that you’ve grown to be
The loud noisein my eyesin my mindRoaring and growling
The noise won’t stopIt haunts and tricks medriving me to the edgeof insanity.
Over and overWhat if?What if?What if?
The ideological echochambers created by our society
limit the human mind from gaining broader understandings of the world around it, of other humans.
Our society bases it's knowledge on the generalizations
Keats you sit on the opposite hill from me
reading your poems to sheep flocks and pastoral folk
While on my side of the hill, I am here writing
more than poems! My poems have a desire to stretch human laws
I'm just tired.
Not the kind that sleep can cure.
Tired of being let down.
Tired of faking happiness.
Tired of being sad.
Tired of waking up and feeling like I'm worthless.
Tired of trying.
I am a warriorShooting through the wallset up for meby my diseaseI will NOT give upI will NOT give infor I am a warrior.
Fear closing in
all around me
trapping me in a box
The world keeps spinning though
keeps on spinning
I can't stop
yet I can't keep up either.
Everything's wrong...
Three. Two. Maybe One weeks left.
What will happen next?
What will happen to my friends?
What will happen to the Friends that won’t be back in the fall?
i'm the stray cat you've let inside your house.
you never intended for me to say,
in fact,
you forget why i haven't been kicked out.
you don't know me,
i don't make myself easy to know.
dizzy
I'm dizzy
my head is too light
i lean against the wall to stabilize my wobbly legs
the wall starts warping
and the floor starts warping
and my brain starts warping
Tears stain the fake leather of my boots
the salt fringed watermarks where I left my heartstrings
There are so many marks I have left behind
In all the cities I have ever loved
And even some that I cannot remember
Some of us never really learn to fly
Some birds hop from the nest
Destined to taste earth
Destined for the fall
And some of us stay behind
Afraid to fall like the ones we lost
[TRIGGERING WARNING: SUBTLE IMPLICATION OF SUICIDAL IDEAS]
Unfitted for society,
What will I do?
I know nobody is fitted for this shit
But you cope with it, don't you?
Unprepared to earn a living,
Depression
I know you all too well
Sticking by my side like glue
Ever since I was out of the womb
Faking a smile for all to see
The monster underneath my bed
Sang me lullabies in the night
Which quickly turned to nightmares
And gave me quite a fright!
But as I got older
pressure is physical
reality is suffocating
pain becomes reality
mentally im breaking
i sleep thirteen hours
just numbing my brain
pick out a smile
entertain for a while
By Debi Lyn ~ completed 10/23/21 @ 10:30 pm
How is it people seem to take everything in stride
when everything for ME is a commotion inside?
Never to bed, early to rise
Adds to the rings beneath my eye
The gray and purple, these colors shine through
You'd call them your favorites if you had them too
No rest for the wicked's what I always said
I hate you.
It's taken me years but I finally said it.
I hate you.
I hate how you are able to make me feel about myself.
You make me pinch at my sides desperately praying that this tissue will go away.
nothing matters
watch as life goes on
shatter in shadow
until the rise of dawn
scream into the void
deaf to the broken
left destroyed
crisp air always feels so bitter
fall
Half empty glass been scattered on the floor
Please don't make it last, someone may hurt to the core
I have stood strong and careful not to fall
To live is to risk dying
To depart’s to risk losing your way
To laugh is to risk looking foolish
To wake is to risk a new day
To accept is to risk apathy
To attempt is to risk despair
You step onto your pedestal
The time has come
You’ve had enough
You don the rope
The pedestal disappears
Blood, Sweat, Tears
What's it worth if there’s nothing to come home to
What's it worth if there’s nothing to look forward to
The bells toll
I hear her coming
As embers in the night,
you set my heart on fire
intense and violent, wildly out of control
spreading intensely
i find myself lost in the thought, that is "you"
though maybe it was my own wishful thinking
I cry, but only by myself
Constantly I reminisce about us
Red was the setting sun, setting your silhouette ablaze
Your smile which shined brighter than any star
I keep wondering if you think about me still
I think I always knew I was a little bit messed up in the head,
See with me being so quiet and all as a child
They’d look me in the eye
I feel like water,
Always desperately flowing
down the path of least resistance
-
But where I find myself now
there is no path;
High stone walls on every side,
A solid, smooth basin
it creeps up on me
it thinks it is sneaky, but
I see it coming
It digs in its claws
i can't escape from its grip
and it pulls me down
in a bathroom stall
Imagine a life where your parents are forever lasting in love.When you never have to worry about the two people that gave you life will never separate.But my imagination cannot fathom that unrealistic life.
Almost everything about me makes me feel crazyMy depressionCrazyMe doing my hair once a monthCrazyLoving someone I talk to off and onCrazy.
I am never the one to call it quits
I am the one that quietly sits
There and takes the hits
Working hard to throw my hints
Pussy
is that how others see me
a coward
filled with anxiety and trepidation
too fearful to exist without
gentle coddling
mewling and cowering
They seem to fall gracefully at first, silent, warm rolling down my cheeks waiting to soak the creases of my neck. Emotions build, I become overwhelmed from all the overthinking. The tears brew faster, more rapid, heart beats increase.
Stay up all night
Can’t handle tomorrow
Rather dance in the dark until my legs are weak and my head is spinning
I’ll say I put up a fight
Shh
Listen to the sound of a quiet drown
You can feel the panic under the water
Don't save her, you can see that she wants it
Quiet
It marches in boldly,
Adulation no retraction.
No holds barred,
Wrong reaction.
It invades you forces you,
Sour taste makes you spit.
Turning your thoughts
into a thick soup of shit.
It starts out quiet.
Not a single sound.
Mind is content.
With nothing bad found.
Then your heartbeat increases
embarassment
standing awkwardly
unsure, hesitantly
cheeks aflame with a roaring fire
whispering children now conspire
do i speak or sink into to this silence
others laugh, smile, speak
it seems so easy to cry now
the tears coming from some ever replenishing source
and I am not startled any longer
when a hot stream flows down my cheeks
when blinking releases a torrent
I do my best to be vivacious
I smile even though my eyes face the ground
I mutter the colloquialisms so necessary
to be polite
innocous words devoid of meaning
tumbling out of my mouth
Why am I so jumpy
Why does everything worry me
A sudden noise
A sudden movement
I will jump
If you come up behind me
I will jump
I am always so jumpy around you
Sometimes I feel as if I am transparent, my vulnerabilities and fears tattooed across my body, worry and wonder worry and wonder until my mind runs into circles of doubt, never ending, the rhythm of my heart beats in tune with this, th
you say get over it but how
you say get out of your room how
you say think happy thoughts how
we need help
no one helps us
why
we are the broken ones
the ones no one wants
I cry
I sob
I wish I could stop
But I truly cannot
It makes me sad
Knowing that people don't care
It makes me sad
Knowing I can't trust anyone
It makes me sad
I told you all the things
I showed you my poems
You knew who some where about
You showed him
You broke my trust
I'm not sure what to do
You broke my trust
Who are you
You broke my trust
It doesn't matter
One of the biggest lies you could tell
Even if it does matter
I will never say that it does
Because to most people it doesn't
Nobody needs to clean up my mess
Overwhelmed by the voices
Overwhelmed by the sounds
Make it all still
Make it all silent
Silence the voices
Calm the sounds
Allow peace to take you
Like a river takes a boat
Silent as a mouse
Legs moving faster than a cheetah
Thoughts flow like a fountain
Pencils scratching
Voices speaking
I sit quiet
Not quite still
But never quite the same
Sitting in a silent classroom
No friends in sight
Legs bouncing rapidly
Lost in my thoughts
Test done to quickly
Everyone else still working
I'm almost like an oddity
To young for my class
Sitting silently
Walking quietly
Head hung low
Voice never above a whisper
Anxiety controls me
It controls my every move
No matter what I do
I keeps following me
Anxiety
Why did I say that
Why did I do that
What if I did it differently
What if it didn't happen at all
I can't stop overthinking
Every step I take
Every move I make
It's all a mistakes
Why did I say that
Why did I do that
What if I did it differently
What if it didn't happen at all
I can't stop overthinking
Every step I take
Every move I make
It's all a mistakes
Why did I say that
Why did I do that
What if I did it differently
What if it didn't happen at all
I can't stop overthinking
Every step I take
Every move I make
It's all a mistakes
A thousand words
Millions of letters
All of them add up to what I want to say
I want to tell you how I feel about you
I want to tell you that you are special to me
I would say all of this
When the anxiety overflows
When the tears start to fall
When the words start to fail
I see your face across the room
The anxiey recedes
The tears start to dry
The words return
Brain running a thousand miles a minute
Thoughts about you
Thoughts about friends
Thoughts of sadness
Thoughts of anxiety
You are the most thought of
You rule every other thought
Shake, shiver, tremble,
Watch me disassemble
Nauseus, forcing myself to eat
Tired and hyper, just want to sleep
Is this new? Just ADHD and OCD? Maybe anxiety
It's funny.
I find myself running,
unable to breathe.
The pain in my feet told me to keep on going,
Even though my turning stomach disagreed.
I felt like I swallowed the whole ocean
These feelings consume my bones, as a distant depression arose, those feelings of freedom and destiny are dethroned. I would not have been happy, but would I have meaning?
If my voice becomes silent I hope my written words will remain
To help others who struggle with the same pain
If my body is beneath a cement stone
I hope they can use it as a comfort zone
Insecurity
Wont leave my mind
Words appear
Like paragraphs on train tracks
Rushing by
Creating imagery
Of past memories
in biology class
we learned that everything in the body
is constantly in motion
because stagnation fosters disease
i went home
I ache. I cry. I weep like the flowers during a storm when they feel like they’re drowning. I feel like I lost something. A part of me. You stole my purity that I can never get back.
Peter Piper Picked a Pair of Pills to Pop
Just to see what they’d do to him
He Popped a cocktail stocked with
Adderall, Buspar, Benzos and Zoloft-
i know my story is to be told, but will i be the one to tell the tale, or will my shadow be the one to stand in the way?
sometimes i hurt so much,
physical pain from a mental enemy
sometimes i don't want to be alive,
tears trailing and flooding life
truth is,
once it's introduced itself
it never really leaves
The Misery Song
Lies hidden through crooked smiles,
There’s nothing in this world as vile.
Most Days by: RalB most days i felt worthlessi felt irreplaceablelost in what was & what could’ve trying not to be numbbut being is so superbunsure & uncertain most days i felt broken i felt helpless calling out into the darkness silent p
I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. Badly. I knew what was happening. But I couldn't stop it. I knew there were tears in my eyes even before one glided down my cheek.Then a rainstorm of tears came.
Imperiled
I stand upon the precipice
no way to move forward
a cliff behind
Urgently
I yelp for rescue
I strain to find a way
Up, Down, Sideways
Part 1 of a 6 part poem written to my mom using different
body parts as a guide to weave each poem together.
This one depicts her eyes & mouth.
A deep dive into the ocean
(INTRODUCTION) (Skip below to read a description of my mom to help understand
the poems.)
The next 6 poems I write are about my mom. My mom passed away when
Freezing in the open air
Feelings getting old
People seem to never care
Emotions getting cold
Running in to the fray
Taking flak from emotional spray
Dodging the depressing bullets
It comes and goes...I’m finding it’s different every time.Sometimes it’s short and simple,Easy to reverse.Sometimes it’s overbearing and weightful,Suffocating and hateful.Most times I feel it creeping in again…But the times that I don’t…”Oh!
What happened to me?
Once excitement, now fear
what happened to me?
I burned with desire, now I burn in shame;
what happened to me?
Fear
fear
fear
fear
The pain and the fear are ghosts,
spectres,
a fabrication of reality.
In a moment they will appear and then vanish and I will be left wondering why I followed them into the dark.
The pain and the fear are ghosts,
spectres,
a fabrication of reality.
In a moment they will appear and then vanish and I will be left wondering why I followed them into the dark.
My world is becoming cold like a tomb
All my dreams are turning to be just illusions
My faith on life is slowly draining
I'm now lying between rock and a hard place
Searching for light from the darkest caves
I keep on thinking and reminding myself
that I'm worthy,
I have a purpose,
I am strong
and I am loved
Every time they throw words on me
It keeps on stinging and breaking my heart
A ghost came back into my life the other day.
Granted I wasn’t trying to keep it away.
But I call it a ghost because it’s dead to me.
Shall I speak to you my secrets
in hushed and airy tones
near the warmly-lit fire?
Sweet taste of nectar and honey
you praise me and forget yourself.
How this narrative reminds me of one such time
FINE LINES!
Fine lines
fine lines
Between a life of blame and crime
The eclipsed dystopia along the spiteful light of the heart.
Amy please let go of my heart
My lounges need room to expand
And i find it hard to breath
When you press my chest like that.
Amy i know your easily scared
It was a cold and frosty day,
When I began to drift away.
Like the snowman melts in the glare,
I wanted to fade and lose every care.
I slowly put my head below,
I felt the water swirl and flow.
Section I
I am much too forward with my words
I interrupt people while they talk
With completely unrelated pieces
my body trembles as thoughts
race thoughout my head.
suddenly my mind freezes,
empty, like a child's soul left alone
on a windy night. my vision
suddenly begins to fade
I am three and I am shakingSqueezing my eyes shut to the dust and the sun and the cold tile andI am in the cornerBreathing heavyI want it to stop
They tell me not to worry,
They said. Oh! You’ll be fine.
They tell me it's just hormones,
But they don't feel me cross the line.
They don't hear my crazy thinking,
They don't see my sleepless nights.
please don't let anything bad happen tonight.
please don't let anything bad happen tonight.
please don't let anything bad happen tonight.
sometimes
i feel like nothing
sometimes
i feel like everything
sometimes
i am the sun
sometimes
i am the moon
sometimes
the world is too much for me
every time I want nothing more than to
disappear
I think,
"it's been a while since I've wanted to die this badly."
and it's true.
some days
are far worse than others, but
some days
It won't feel like this forever
Everyone keeps saying that
That used to be the depression tagline
But now it applies to the entire world
It's the truth
but what about right now?
I feel dead inside
When will the crippling fear end?
Am I a lost cause?
Could I have changed the course?
I could have told them
I let them believe the lie
If only they knew
Days are long and quiet,
I am neither here nor there,
And no matter where I'm hiding,
I'm pinned beneath his stare.
He watches when I'm sleeping,
Perfectly aware
That when I wake up screaming
Picture (Im)perfect
Mind blurred like a camera lens
With no clarity left to picture
Tried to wipe away all the painful memories
Yes, no, and maybe,
so many options.
Good or bad,
which is truly right?
Heart or head,
which should I follow?
Light or dark,
i don't know what to do,
i feel that moving
one way or the other
will cause a
chain-of-events-i-can't-control-please-make-it-stop
so i don't move,
so i'm stuck.
I'm going to start this out like I start everything else I write you
Even though I doubt that you'd ever see this
I swear to God that I'm not mad at all
There is no hate in my heart toward you or anyone
My cereal bowl holds stale lucky charms and
Milk white atrocities
Bathing away the cobwebs
Of spiders better left alone
2:30AM: I say to you, I cannot bare to continue feeling this unloved, this unworthy of love. You said to me, “remember we are strong” as if it was something I could forget, but I had.
I caved and seen a counselor today. I impatiently waited in the office, picking at my skin, filling out monotonous paperwork, checking the yeses and the noes, and more anxious waiting.
Sometimes you just need to stand in the rain,
Let the moon beams shine on your skin like starlight
Feel the water drip down the brim of your nose onto your lips
Breathe in the night air and petrichor
My dear, do not tell me I deserve better than your love. That your heart does not shine bright enough to reflect mine. For my heart only shines this brightly because it had to been burned.
I don’t want to die today
Not today
Today I woke up on time
to make it to class
Today I baked a cake
Licked the icing off my finger tips
i thought i would feel peace
but all i feel is chaos
slipping deeper into the black
falling from anyone’s grasp
as the seconds continue to pass
i thought they would come and go
but dark thoughts have come to stay
the light has become dimmer
and the faint glow continues to be overpowered
were those promises ever true
i am no longer sure
this emptiness has remained in me for too long
your words do not bring me comfort anymore
sometimes i don’t really know if there’s anyone there
downcast, empty, broken
i wait for someone
someone who may or may not come for me
alone i wait
Fear twists itself
around me:
legs wrapped over
my waist and its arms
restraining mine
We stumble to the precipice
teetering towards
the empty expanse
of the Dreamscape
A pretty girl in the brightest of dresses,
She smiles bright and laughs loudly,
she hides in fright and cries quietly.
she met him first here, and he made her smile.
A pretty girl in the brightest of dresses,
She smiles bright and laughs loudly,
she hides in fright and cries quietly.
she met him first here, and he made her smile.
How beautiful you are
So deep in your despair
Lying, sleeping on the couch
The curls in your dark hair
How soft your face appears
When you're lost within your dreams
We all look our grandparents and think we'll live forever, that we're invincible. Like we've got time to worry about small things that mean nothing at the end of the day. The things we think are big are actually tiny if you think about it.
My scars run deeper than my irrevocable love
For he who cuts me deepest just to see if I still bleed
His thirst strengthens as he watches the life drip from me
Insatiable, he whittles away til he reaches my bones
I slept to getaway.
I slept to hide from my responsibilities,
Now I stay awake to get away from my dreams.
Now I stay awake to hide from my thoughts.
I released you, my beautiful and passionate
anxiety. I release you. You were my beloved
and hated twin, but now, I don’t know you
as separate from myself. I release you with all the
As I open my left eye
I see a dark sky representing
All the friends and opportunities I have lost
All because of a dark cloud hovering over my mind,
As I open my right eye,
I see a bright blue sky,
Prison, Nursing Homes, Buses,
All have one thing in common
Jail, Streets, Graves,
But let’s not talk about it
Sunshine, Rainbows, Happiness,
Are much better things to think of
Here I walk, alone,
Down a cobblestone road.
Here I walk, alone,
Left with my hollow thoughts.
Here I walk, alone,
Wondering what to do.
I can't go back home,
Not after what happened.
i descend in my seat, waiting for the lesson to begin
looking around, all I see is desert
a desert so dry and empty yet so full of people i may never see again
Her mouth resembles that of cotton, and not the overly-sweet candy kind.
Hearing “don’t frown, you’ll get wrinkles” only makes her eyebrows furrow even deeper; her frustration as visible as ever.
I was told to tie my laces,
And keep my glasses on.
That I needed to stay their paces,
Or end up mowing lawns.
"Be the best now so you'll be the best then!"
Always seemed to be my anthem.
There are rythms that echo through
my rib cage, each bone curving as your
a note gets cut off.
It is hard to hear, when
other heartbeats play loudly like a siren
Its okay to love another, but
I see the grin, a gift to me.
It quiets my inner demons.
Shattering battle of light and dark.
The simple gift is all I need to take another breath.
Who will I be
when the world claims me as its own,
Anxiety of future life fills the void I fail to feel,
Where did that voice go?You remember it, right?
The one that muttered
Sharp, syrupy, perforating words
After each compliment
And about everyone else
You broke me , with no remorse
Broken pieces , lonely people , sharing the same empty place - with a scenery so memorable it’s painted a home in my heart.
this body
a gift from god
i cut it open
through the ribbons
through the paper
through the tape
one for the boy
i fell into you-
i wasn’t quite ready
but we were smoking cigarettes
Under the stars
behind my car
and your smile said,
burnt bridges led my way
they led the way to you
i could see their fire in your eyes
you came from another path
of ashes and pain
we came together
i take off my shirt,
turn my back to the mirror
and look at all of the scars-
taking a knife to my back
seems to be everyone’s favorite hobby,
depression,
this intangible idea
that we desperately wish
was something we could grasp
this ailment isn’t tangible
i am sorry i let you
stain your hands
in my dark places
i am sorry i watched you
ignore the orange signs
“danger ahead”
A leech on my brain
you bellow in the background
and call out my name
You're the harbinger of tears
the continuous cycle of
unsolicited fears
Sometimes the soulRises up. Dances in the sky. SometimesIt liesDefeated on the ground. •Somtimes theWind gently blowsThrough the fieldsOf corn. Sometimes it turnsTo cold and wet Leaving all the earthCompletely shorn. •Sometimes the nightIs stil
Depression.
I'm trapped, I can't get out of bed, I don't have any motivation.
Why am I like this?
I never chose this, I just want to feel happy.
"Don't forget to take your meds" they all say.
Tick tock
Biological clock
So selfish of you to take so much time to decide
To say it is over
Don't you know there are deadlines
I must keep?
My plans have fallen apart
Sometimes I find comfort in bathrooms
They're places of solitude and 3 a.m. thoughts
Where I sometimes finally remember what I forgot I forgot
Sometimes I go to the bathroom because I feel alone when I don't want to be
You talk to me like I have never before felt pain.
As I am writing this, I just want to cut my wrists and feel the sting.
But I won't.
I am healthy now.
Break the Silence, end the violence. Let me out, I want to scream and shout. Metal so fine and thin, watch it glide across my skin. Reach out? Every time I speak, I shout! But you don't hear me, though. Maybe it's time for the final blow.
The laugh, the voice
My mind can't place it
So familiar, yet so far away
Two strangers lie intertwined
Bodies bare and warm
Like a small pool of summer amidst the winter storm
Carefree and open...
mama, your little girl isn't doing too well,lately, she's been going through hell,trying to please you, and everybody else,it seems in all of that she forgot about herself.you don't seem to notice,
Dear Father,
You were there for my birth
At least I think you were
But that’s about it
You saw me growing up
But I would rarely see you
In
Out
My breath like the wind
Ever-changing
As people live
Observing, obsessing
Regretting
Who cares
About the notion
Of success
Money, power, looks
I am made of memories
A collection of recollections bundled up inside a ball of anxiety and fear
Someone who wants nothing more than to forget what's wrong with them
So much so that the light that escapes cannot be caught
My head likes to raise scary possibilities and questions,
Elaborate thoughts and vague suggestions.
Needs no cause, no prompting or reason,
They speed up so fast that there's no chance to ease them.
Its hard when your biggest enemy is your own reflection
Its hard when you hate yourself for craving protection
For someone to relieve you of the constant low
Someone to remove the fear of rejection
I find when my head is filled with impenetrable dread,
And clouds of grey and deep blues hover above my head,
That what floats within my mind’s eye and what is seen ahead,
I find when my head is filled with impenetrable dread,
And clouds of grey and deep blues hover above my head,
That what floats within my mind’s eye and what is seen ahead,
As I open my eyes to start my day
A dark cloud filters me and the words I say
This spirit originates from my unholy brain
It resides within me and has no real name
It makes me sad and or afraid
To my yet to see friend
Have been eager to see you
What will i do
When I get to see you
Will I run to your arms
Or
Stand till you reach me
Will I scream out of excitement
Or
I'm tired of thinking,
In test dates,
And terms papers.
When all I really want,
Is to use my imagination.
The stars call my name,
But I'm busy getting A's
Show some respect to what you have
taking everything as granted
never productive but destructive
you got everything you wanted.
Reality hits,
Sadness bites
and it really hurts
then it dies
No one can rely
and just can't play
It can all be a reply
then somebody must repay
I’m hiding under the kitchen sink
Thinking ‘bout how things used to be
Feeling depressed ‘cause I’m wondering
If someone could love a monster like me
Don’t mind me
I’m hiding under the kitchen sink
I stand once again with my lungs filled with air
but my body, so weak I am no longer able to release it
Breathe.
The tears begin to roll down my cheek
and my mind spins like a carousel
Breathe.
(A response to Sandra Cisneros' Heritage poem)
You bring out the perfectionist in me.
The anxiety in me.
The depression in me.
Traumatized
Shaking, Crying
not leaving home
because the nightmares keep following you
Keys in your fist
Pepper Spray in the other
Sometimes I get overwhelmed.Sometimes I need space.I hope that’s okay.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed...It feels like I’m drowning and I can’t get out.
Feelings, people, emotions, and clout.
I fell hard
I fell long
It seemed so never ending
It was so tiring and mind bending
A struggle like no other can understand
Sweet treachery on a night of drought,
And no, I did not see the billow coming.
I held no thirst or thoughts about
The sounds of soft waves drumming.
Buck teeth and bright eyes
I was eight years old,
I spent my days out on the playground
all alone in the cold
right by the fence where I would watch traffic behind the monkey bars
All of the thoughts in my head act as fog,
clarity becoming unknown to me.
Anxiety grasps its slimy fingers around my neck
whispering (lies) to me.
I'm hopeless. Helpless. Alone.
Sometimes I feel as if someone is stabbing a piece of splintered wood through me.
Right through my vision
I see the wood chips cutting into my bones and everything.
It is just me and my thoughts...
There are things that mentally ill is, and there are things it most definitely is not.
Something it’s not is when middle school boys post bart simpson edits to songs by X.
When you tell me I’m just overthinking—
Or I need to stop worrying
You aren’t looking closely enough
Looking for distractions
Hiding in my absence
Tired of my actions
Feeling my inactions
Scared of my emotions
Sinking in commotion
Looking for distractions
"You can't do this." The voices tell me.
Everyday it is the same words towards me every minuet and every hour.
There are times where I think that I can't breath any more.
There are times where my body wont stop shaking.
"You will never make it." The voices tell me.
Everyday it is the same words towards me every minuet and every hour.
There are times where I think that I can't breath any more.
Tell me who are you in the dark? Are you the devil or the little spark
Tell me who are you when I'm alone? Are you the light or the huge storm
Tell me why my grip on my purpose always slips. Sometimes it gets too much and I don't know how to handle it.
Trapped in the night
Can't see a sight
Far away from light
Strings around so tight
Every wrong not right
The fire ashes bite
Bruising it with a knife
healing it with a cut
Brushing it with a sigh
breaking it with silence
Silence I hear it
so deep it could stop it
I'm scared of letting go
I'm scared to be free
What if it's not like
like what I've dreamed
Pathetic naive
that's not the least
Come on get out
get out of me
I'm a prisoner in my own body
sweating every time you remind me
Anxiety
It held me hostage at my own party
took my hand just to throw it back at me
Anxiety
the mingled stench of green seaweed and salty waves
cascades the nostrils of the adolescent girl.
When you live your life with a mental illness
You overthink and love with your whole heart
Sadly nothing can kill it
Because it became a part
Sit me down on a couch covered in plush cushions
Ask me my name
Ask me my age
Ask me why im here
no matter where I go
a part of me always feels so alone
Something always tells me
don't get too comfortable
then they will see
they will see the shame
the guilt of fame
dancing around until laughter broke
made me your reason to smile
because I am a joke
call me a friend
but I think of myself as a jester
providing happy distractions without end
Dear me,
you are more than a score,
more than every embarrassing moment
that breaks you to your core.
you are more than glances,
more than what anxiety tells you
I will speak my mind
with the courage I can't find
my words and needs left behind
do my best to keep you blind
leave you thinking I'm kind
but really I can't speak my mind
in the morning Anxiety accompanies me
as my shadow in the day
yelling at me all my insecurities
but it's okay
in the night Depression welcomes me
in my bed as I lay
My anxiety comes
with its own background music;
DUN DUN DUN.
It marks itself present
with bitten nails and
peeled skin around it.
And that's when my
nightmares begin.
“Who goes there?“
Said I into the black.
No reply, except the echo back,
Except the echo that,
Bounced through the walls
Of the cluttered hall,
Giving way to pause, as my heart stalls.
The mourning sun: Helios
I bloom—vivid and bold.
Set in your sky,
I burn gold.
From my light—
A sacred gift—
You asked me if i was okay
And I said “im fine.”
I gave you a smile but the minute you turned around
I closed my eyes.
You might ask me why I did this,
I suddenly have difficulty breathing as my throat begins to close,
Everyone around me is looking at me, but no one here fully knows.
That being in an unconventional environment is a trigger for me,
In a snap, the mind can have an intense internal battle
The one you could see if only you looked hard enough
You stand by as others aim to push and rattle
Press you down
And run you along.
Your pointed sharp end,
Draws a line on my skin.
Dull pain leaves,
Revealing only a faint,
Raised pink line.
Not enough,
Not what I wanted.
That beautiful girl
Under the blossom tree
Reading her books
She never acknowledged me.
And in my mind
I knew she never would
And even though I wanted to,
I knew I never could.
Goddess of the war
The war storming in her head,
she of strong will and knowledge
Walking the halls striding closer, Ever closer
I got a messed up brain, messed up thoughts,
people say I'm fine, but I guess not.
My vision gradually gets darker,
and my heart feels like it just got shot.
I can feel my skin fall apart,
My train is always speeding; thundering down the track at full speed.
It heads nowhere in particular.
Whenever it stops to unload a thousand passengers, a thousand more board.
Most are unwelcome.
The little people in my head never go away.
There’s anxiety,
Finding the negative in the outside world.
Fooled you, fooled you
Maybe even you
Congrats if not you
Lair, liar
My mouth was on fire
Telling puzzles no one could ever
How are you?
How you been?
But tell me
Do you really care?
All these feelings boiling up to the surface
So, all I say is: I've been better.
What a child
He knows how to play
He speaks in silence
Holds his tongue
His eyes read worlds of wonder
He's feeling the pressure to
i still don't consider myself a poet
no matter how many words that fall from the sky that aid me in meshing the feelings i feel
can protect me from the world
opinions will still eat away at my mind
Dedicated to all victims of bullying, which include girls & boys of all ages, sizes, and backgrounds. (That includes me too.) "You can beat a bully without using your fists!"
I'm sorry for inviting myself I just wanted to spend more time with you
And if I'm in your way I'll stand in the corner and wait for you
Now I'm sorry to be a bother but do you think I can have some water
Image credit: This image was created with the assistance of DALL·E 3..An emperor spoke in poetic verseWhich lead to fame for him at firstBut after some time, it became a curseFor the emperor had no prose.
A spirit light, a heart unbound
A place to stand, safe from thunderclouds
A mind at rest, a heart at peace
Where home is warm, and meant to be
A harbor strong amidst the rain
My pulse is faint.
My mind is spinning.
My skeleton is shaking.
My muscles are weakening.
I can feel my breath being restricted
From my rib cage tightening its grasp around my lungs
-spend every moment doing meaningless things just to make time pass by faster.
-take a hot bath as to finally feel something warm.
What is it like to battle your mind?
It’s like looking into a mirror
But the reflection
That looks back at you
Talks back
Spitting back words like acid
he and i
laying on a soft quilt
the cloud cover making the room dimly lit,
but even then i can make out the details in his face;
like the freckles sprinkled acrossed his right cheek,
Voices swirl around my head
The need to escape suffocates me
Trying to take air in but feel instead my lungs collapsing
I need to move
I am crawling and falling and calling
I need you to hear me, come near me, don’t fear me
while you flee, watch me bleed, please don’t leave
cause I’m flying and I’m crying, but I’m dying
I don’t speak, I feel
I don’t scream, I feel
I don’t whisper, I feel
I stutter, but I still feel--
This suffocating weight with its hand around my throat
When did my tongue become too heavy to form words?
My mind is a battlefield
It has trouble distinguishing danger from safety
It makes rain on a tin roof sound like gun fire
Makes fireworks on the Fourth of July into an air raid
exhale
its over
stress is out the door
the floor is freedom
i walk proudly to the next chapter in life
almost as if peace had a scent
i’m attached
my time has come
i would brighten the sun to keep you warm,
but you just put on a jacket.
i would wipe your tears to make sure you can see,
but you use your sleeve.
i would search for you in a crowded room,
Living with anxiety is like living in an invisible box. It has 7 walls, one for every day of the week and a glass ceiling to remind you that you’ll never escape. The box’s name is fear.
Do you remember that time at that place with those people? How could I forget? Omg that was the best! I totally miss it! Remember that time that you were crying in the bathroom and I pretended I didn’t hear you? Oh yeah!
The only thing that makes me happy is being with someone
anyone
my biggest fear is being alone
When I’m alone in my house is one thing
I felt a monster climb its way up my throat
Choking on tears, I watched my hands tremble
My breath shortened & I felt powerless
I dry gagged & finally heaved
"The monster won," I'd quote.
All I can taste is gasoline.
Fumes billow out as I breathe.
Strike a match.
Strike a match and watch me burn.
Maybe then they'll learn
What it's like to be me.
Always filled with deceit.
High functioning anxiety,
The name does not sound scary outloud,
It sounds manageable.
Like an airbag to fall back on at the end of a conversation that may never end,
all i feel are blue emotions
in my head everything's a commotion
where everything is in high speed motion
and i'm trapped in my being
every piece of me crippling
My first memories,
My first memories are of the sea.
My first memories of my own father
and his boat,
All on a tiny fishing boat
From the mouth of the Little Norway River.
the memories of you have burned a hole into my brain,
theyve singed my hair,
painted the walls ash-grey.
i asked if i could burn the sweatshirt
but it wasnt your face i was looking at,
Stillit sits there, bones and all, grounded in the monotonous planecolor unyieldingPoised to begin, possessing the knowledge of the end.
it started when i was little.
no one believes me,
but
i remember.
i remember
the first moment i wasn't able to breathe,
the first time i thought about death,
The harsh reality of life,
Hit me unexpectedly.
I wish I knew,
How hard anxiety was going to be
I wanted to give up.
I wanted to come up from the hell i’ve endured for these years --
have been the hardest i’ve ever seen why won’t you let me leave
Me alone
hey
howve you been?
it feels as if we havent talked in a while
what are you doing?
you seem busy
This hollow ache
I swallow the sword of fondness
I wait for it's closure to hit my stomach
It is unforgiving
It is tastless
It is mine alone
I can not pinpoint the moment when
I stopped being a kid
Maybe it was high school,
When i started,
Wide eyed and naiive,
i pull off my heavy-weight sweatshirt
i weigh myself
ranking up to nearly 100 pounds
im satisfied for now
It was a blue day
But you kept me warm
Though tears fell like raindrops,
There aren't many days anymore
“Hello old friend”
I say with a grin on my face
As I stare away blankly towards space.
It’s been a while since we first met.
“forget your perfect offering
just ring the bells that still can ring
there is a crack in everything
that’s how the light gets in”
-Leonard Cohen
Fear becomes the barrier that keeps me in
No smoke to see,
and no life of sin
My life is as hard as can be,
but my fear keeps me in
There’s something in the water
Just below the surface
Every time I look away it glimmers.
A gentle splash
Lapping of water on the hull of my leaky boat.
Her mind is filled with the screams of the damned
Roaring over the cracking
Tearing
Ripping
Of the sky
The pounding beat steady
Louder
Louder
Louder
Gutteral cries
Deep down
They won't stop
They won't quit
Dominating
Who knew a harsh whine
Could drive me over
Make the air vanish
Constrict my lungs
Leave me shaky
With tears in my eyes
welcome friend, it's dark down here.
for most, it's much too grim
the table's set with plates half empty
the cups spill o'er their rims
I'm sorry I closed off
Feet perched on top of a practical duffell, those few inches of distance
Between my feet and the carpet allow space for impractical wishes.
Wishes that I weren’t here, waiting.
Higher and higher I climb,
With death filtering through my mind.
I no longer have hope,
Only a really strong rope.
I tie it around my neck,
And give it a quick little check.
I am like a hand grenade. Come one step too close and I pull the tab. I don't trust anyone to keep me safe. I'd much rather be the one to destroy myself.
My outside appearance shows nothing of me.
I am not what you see,
for I am not even human.
I am a soul
trapped inside this body,
screaming for help.
I'm constantly being attacked
I'm obsessed,Obsessed with death.
I love to picture my own end. Will it be by my own hands?An enemy's? Will I be a hero? Or will I grow old?
I'm obsessed,
Cloth can’t cover enough,
Eventually all will be exposed.
You try to sneak by,
“Don’t let them see you cry.”
The blood has a calming effect,
there’s this girl i used to know.
her name flows blue inside of me-
she was so afraid to show,
who she once was in front of me-
A glow up for me was havin’ the realization
Depression was my setback, not my damnation
I don’t think I ever grew up, but I definitely glowed
And realized my sadness belonged in the commode
Weeping
Small watery beads fall
like tiny diamonds.
Glittering as the sunlight
sprouts from their surfaces
in prismatic tints.
When you’re four, you ask your mom why a dime is smaller than a nickel
One larger than the other, yet only the worth of five pennies
Your mom still buys you matching sets to wear to school
Parties aren't my thing.
There's something about big crowds
That makes me shut down.
I'm uncomfortable.
Sometimes I just want to crawl under a table.
Everyone's closing in.
I can't even think.
She’s like my first child you know
I carry her weight on my shoulders
But she’s not a kid anymore
Man she’s getting older
I don’t know how
How to cope
This weight inside me feels too much
My life laid out I thought I was fine
Adulthood daunting, calling, taunting.Empty applications haunting.Heartbeat thudding in my chest,Through one more standardized test.
A ball of anxiety, curled in my stomach.
That bad boy spreads into my heart and brain,
Causing quite a havoc.
Hello, anxiety.
It’s an
Anxiety
That doesn’t
Need to be diagnosed
But it’s felt
And it’s known
Like
Brown
She told me with a red face.
Our silent rage crackled around us like lightning in the rumble before the rain.
I heard her whisper- through her teeth,
in my head
something was not right
it took time to realize
but i finally changed my life around
in my head
pain and fear swirled about
it’s a thought(quiet, still)that moves you from calm to (fear)
it’s a motion(abrupt, small)that warns of (panic)
you’re staring thoughtfully at the (blank)page in front of you, pencil poised, hovering hesitantlyyour hand still as you consider
·
Waking up on Saturday mornings for the sole purpose of hearing Elmo squeak about something new on Sesame Street, has long been overruled by new responsibilities.
silent
wont talk
she just nods
scared to speak up
she wants to be heard
but knows nobodys ever truly listening
she tries to trust but shes struggling
Panic is a bathroom sink,
Grime-covered and overflowing,
Tearing the skin off my hands
With its vicious heat splashing,
Burning cold through spilled ink.
My anxiety is a subscription I never wanted
but it gets delivered to me anyway. It rings at my door
and persists that I answer even if I don’t want it.
Cant you hear it?there is musicfrom behind the walls.whimsical windits callingbegginglisten listen listen
I thought you were doing fine, I didn’t know what was wrong,
I thought you'd push through it, that you were invincibly strong,
As a friend I should have supported you, helped you along the way,
Would you just stop talking already?
Today, I learned that stress can kill your cells.
I had my suspicions.
Slinking in the shadows, stalking its prey
For a minute I thought it was going to be a good day
I smile on the outside, acting like everything is great
16, Afraid of what might happen.Like the crew of a ship whose captainHas never sailed beforeTo unfamiliar shore.
It was fleeting,
Never around.
I searched,
Lost, not to be found.
Map in hand,
Advice in mind.
I tried it all,
From the outside my childhood looks plain.
I did soccer and cheer,
doodled in class,
and whispered promises of forever to elemtary school friends.
No one wouldve noticed the pain I carried with me.
I could never come to terms with how
you viewed me.
You’re so pretty.
You’re so capable.
You have so much potential.
You said that to me the other day.
Once, you claimed a kind of love, unbeknownst to the receiverRememory*A mother’s desperate love; one in which she sacrifices allRememoryDo you truly love your children, or only what they are able to accomplish?
i. you said they came with rocks
so i built a fortress for emotion
brick by brick from bitter lies
about how you thought it was,
to love a woman.
I’m sitting here in the cold, damp rain
I can feel the tightness in my chest
My mental pain turned into physical pain
They say I just need to rest
A letter to humanity,
With every new opening eye, I cry
A new sigh, a new eye
Born into this world
Into the flames of splendor do we find ourselves to be
20/1/19--Brooklyn in The Rain
I'm 17 and a month old now, and it’s about 20 minutes past midnight.
Suffocating.
My chest tightening,
My mouth drying,
My hands shaking,
My heart in my ears - pounding,
But I am not even running.
To be a kid again, life was simpler then,
With carefree afternoons and evenings
That left you in bed content with
Pleasant dreams and memories.
Sometimes I wonder
If others think the way I do.
It’s different in my mind.
Harder to imagine people and lives.
Everyone seems so far away.
You’re poison to me.
Yet I keep you around.
You push me to the ground.
Then pull me back up.
No one else sees you.
Thump. Thump.
I stand in complete darkness
Thump. Thump.
Waiting for the curtains to creep open.
Thump. Thump.
Knees Shaking
Thump. Thump.
Heart pounding
Thump Thump
how can i stand up to my fears
when my fears are not something to stand up to?
how do i fight the unexplainable?
how do i face a fear of nothing?
as a part of the generation of overcomers ,
Anxiety.
It’s always been there,
Lurking in the depths.
Have I learned how to rid it?
Not yet.
But as a person who has beliefs of what there is above,
I have put my fears to faith
Fear.
She envelopes us like a cold day without a jacket.
Shivering like bare shoulders, chills climbing in the crooks of collapsing collarbones.
"I am afraid," the voice taunts, always behind us always there.
How hard is it to breathe?
When your mind is not at ease?
In a sense you think you're fine, try to hold it in inside.
You affirm yourself, "I got this".
But you're not the kind who's reckless.
Fear tells you to stand where you are.
Don't move.
What if I want to get somewhere?
Well you have to take a step out there.
I feel as though I am drowning in a sea of emotions I can not comprehend,
The tide of uncertainty washing me furthur from shore,
My life jacket cannot save me here,
I am floating and keeping watch for sharks,
There is race of little monsters,
Their numbers are countless,
And they live everywhere.
They cannot be seen.
They have no smell.
They have no discernable form.
This is more than fear.
Fear protects us,
Keeps us safe.
So what is this anxiety protecting me from?
Embarrassment?
Rejection?
Leadership?
Friends?
I stand with trembling hands
in front of a crowd of pseudo fans.
My mouth is dry—cracked from
holding the desert under my tongue.
I am afraid of being the jester in a table of Kings.
In daylight around my peers
My stature and character becomes sharp as if it were a spear.
But everyday has a night
This is where my anxiety begins creating this dirty little sprite.
They say the only thing to be afraid of is fear
itself, as if it’s some kind of
reassurance, a pat on the back
a little too hard, slamming all of the air out
of a pair of lungs too desperate for
Don’t know where this road goes
But I know we’re growing apart
Day by day
I fell asleep with two sheets below me
And I woke cold
Don’t stop rubbing that thumbtack on my arm
I walk into the dreaded room
and a familiar feeling overwhelms my senses
as I look around me
and observe all the smiling faces and joyous outbursts
the pit of worry in my stomach expands
She’s always been there lurking
In the darkest corners of my mind
I never thought of searching
For the voice that mimicked mine
They watch me
Like predators hunting prey
They approach me
In an intimidating way
They scare me
With the meaningless words that they say.
The future is a thing with wolf-teeth
waiting to swallow me whole.
I cling desperately onto each present moment,
Fearing a transparent man-made tool of vanity
A tool who hides nothing
This tool shows you who you truly are
Some may say that you are more than your reflection
Every little kid learns about butterflies,
With their fluttering wings and their monumental transformation
It’s 12:47 AM.
You’re asleep, all tucked in bed
your head resting against the pillows of feathers plucked from white geese.
Beowulf versus Grendel
A classic tale of battle, which continues in me.
My Grendel has terrorized me for years,
Sinking her claws deep into my soul
Every day I fight back – Becoming my own hero
Fear can cause rapid beating,
But to give up trying
And end up screaming.
It will all be consuming.
I cover my ears and run.
My feet pitter pattered as I walked towards the stage.
My hands are starting to become clammy.
I wonder, should I walk back or engage?
I feel like I'm drowning
Retreating into my mind
My brain hurts
My legs numb
My arms heavy and palms sweaty
Body throbbing and tears streaming
I lay, crying
And sobbing
And scratching
When I look at that face there is nothing in. This world more clear then what I see, this is someone who’s achieved nothing. A being so afraid to change it does nothing but stare.The embodiment of sadness and anxiety.
As a child I didn’t fear the monsters under my bed
I feared the monsters inside my head.
I still fear my own mind.
It bothers me all of the time.
Are they the enemy?
I've always asked myself, just where do their priorities lie? Who is on my side?
Young, weak, trembling,
I stand with frailty,
But I stand.
I stand. I will keep standing,
How do you write something happy
that's also good?
My efforts always seem to fall short
when I attempt to write
about how the sun feels
on my skin,
because that skin contains scars
"Once more," they asked me.
They asked with those simple words.
"Once more," they said again.
The words climbed up my throat,
but never left.
Their greedy mental hands pushed and pulled,
I’m on a boat.
I’m 7.
I remember boats can capsize.
I begin to doubt the integrity of this boat.
I panic.
I’m in a car.
People all around
But I can only hear one sound
I want to make a friend
Why can't this pain end
I try to build the strength
But the voice inside will go to any length
You’re my enemy but my friend
I always wonder when you’ll end
You motivate me to do work
If I don’t then I will feel worse
My mind runs like a bomb
Even when I’m feeling calm
Underwater it seems
I live my life today.
There is no escape from the thoughts I call my own,
The fear, the shaking, the future unknown
My body reacts without control
There is no end in sight.
I hate
I had a phobia of words;
Not the monster under my bed.
This terror lived inside me
Up inside my head.
It ate my thoughts for breakfast
Asked for seconds
Then for thirds
Heart Pounding,
Beating out of my chest even.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
Lips Quivering,
Teeth lightly nibbling the inner lining of my mouth.
I was always a shy child.
I would rehearse saying my name out loud
In case my voice cracked
I would fixate on every thought every
Take three steps forwards
Realized from years of hard work
Fall backwards off the ledge
Realized from a downward spiral
One morning; a monday morning.
Two thoughts; do I live or die?
you're four and pocahontas is your world.
mommy and daddy don't understand,
'you want to marry the princess?
you can't.'
(they don't know why you're confused.)
I Fear Living
My mind won’t power down from all the thoughts that scare me
cause every day I’m living in a world I don’t want to be
I take a breath.
Silence bubbles up to ears and muffles
The sound surrounding me. My
Hands curling, my fingers dig into my palm
With the viciousness only found in survival.
I take a breath.
Anxiety.
The one thing I would always fear.
The one thing everyone fears.
My Skin...
The bumps and scars on my skin reminded me of how I can never have clear or smooth skin.
My Weight...
At thirteen
my heart had never been broken
I was still dreaming big dreams
And I was still outspoken
I sided with hope
having no concept of doubt
There it was,
That shadowy silhouette
With its glowing yellow eyes,
And tall stature,
Always watching,
Always waiting,
Waiting for the perfect time to strike.
The creeping dark is there
Waiting for me to slip
The creeping dark is there
Helping my feet to trip
The creeping dark is there
Freezing my heart and soul
The creeping dark is there
It is there with me
every day
all night.
In the morning when my alarm blares,
and in the evening when sleep evades me.
Feeling energy acscend, rising
faster even as revelations
facaded, enveloped and revealed
find emotional assertions: resolutions.
Feeling evolved, as reopened
flowers entice astral rays;
Waiting.
Waiting for a sign,
Broken, damaged, lost,
Crying for help,
Screaming into the void,
‘Help me, please, someone help me.’
Strength takes persistence
We face this situation every day
But as long as you cross the finish line
Anxiety fades away.
A sudden realization in the back of a subaru
A panic, driven by an anxiety I am clinically chained to
With all of the time I have been given and all of the love I have been given what have I done for myself?
My fear feels like this:
cold fingers wrenching my wrists behind my back,
thick, black ink coating my lungs,
poison gas seeping into my ears, whispering:
"Everything would be better if you weren't here."
No one fights my demons
cuz angels don't exist
A scream without an echo
is an arm without a fist
Must we lose the ones we love
to see inside our hearts?
Aren't we all just souls with tear-away faces
It's hard to feel alone in the world
A piece of you missing
but no one knows
No one sees inside you to that terrible hole
The hole in a space by your heart
The one that screams out for a hand
Like a dark cloud hovering over me,
Fear found its greedy way into my life.
It held me back with strong chains and great lies,
And convinced me to burrow into my shell.
i’m still searching far and wide
for someone who has always been beside me
you are here
but i don’t know your face yet
I can't watch the sunsetbecause it hurts my chest
but I like the way the waves crash against the shoredragging it back down with the tide
Fear grips me, my heart races and sweat trickles down my back and anxiety takes over.
Gradually, my panic is reduced to nervousness.
I keep playing after I miss the ball, the coach yells at me.
My day goes by, all a blurry haze.I'm slowly drowning in a cold, dark pool. People pass by, reaching out thier hands.
I dreamt of a glowing blue square
That seemed to look at me with an ice cold stare.
It chased me in circles around my own house,
But my screams were no louder than a mouse.
I would try to swim across the river every day,
Just to find myself sinking,
Filling my lungs with a rush of fire.
So many words
None I can say
I look at them
They can see the words
But cannot read them
And I cannot say them
I scream
And I shout
In a foreign language
They don't understand
Who cares what others say?
They only want to ruin your day.
Nevermind what the haters say, just ignore them until they fade away.
I used to think, what if they are right?
Then I realized, they had no right.
The inexorable creep of sleep
seeps into my toes
worries and woes
Thrown out my window.
For during good times
I have flown too close to the sun.
Taunting vultures circulate overhead
Without invitation.
The incessant, whipping wings
Pay no mind to
The air that I displace.
the feeling is strange
i dont know what to do
but im glad for the change
im happier than i knew
now i still have a little anxiety and anger
and sometimes fall too
but i can get up faster with you
Dear Anxiety,
How does it feel inside of my mind?
Where you like to torture me all of the time.
Making me believe things that aren’t true.
Like when you said “they’ll all laugh at you”.
The creatures scream and shout,
From the winter boondocks of my mind,
Oh, the things they scream about;
Their gnarly, needy hands,
Desperately attempting to grip my fate and my future,
What looms beyond the trees—a monster black.
I see his visage clear, and hear its moan.
I wait to feel the claws upon my back,
Then wrap around my neck intent to choke.
Through these perilous roads
Under the cover
Of the night sky
Glaring forces
Spring from the darkness
And with pain at the temples
Will you wait for me?
As I stand on the edge of sand
With water caressing between my toes
Back and forth, back and forth
There is a lull in the wind
Everything stops,
Alone in a crowded room,
Searching for someone... anyone,
I feel alone in this classroom,
I see someone with a nice smile,
My hope begins to bloom,
The fear grows with each step,
Little WordsCreate the birdWho flew so highHe touched the sky.And when he tumbledTo the sandNo one heardDespite the birdWho got back upAnd tried again.
Do the French VHL Math HW #37 read p 209-213 p214 #1,5,17,20,27,30 Physics WS AP Chem
Lab due tmr START the essay SSR due Dec 13 Test on Monday make study guide
One for airplanes, heights, ladders, and jumping headfirst into lakes.
Two for condescending,menacing, phony, fakes.
Three for waiters, teenagers, blondes and the elderly.
you took away two years of my life.
i was locked inside the confines of your walls
and weighed down by a sense of hopelessness.
i fought with every breath to be free of your chains.
I come to the realisation
that
I can’t remember those winters,
the winters of my childhood.
It was really good at all times,
and it was really bad.
Now it’s bad all the time.
. . . right
away, you’ll see it’s difficult to find:
(That -- while it’s true, it’s only You able to see inside your, Mind, -- )
Lost thoughts often become begotten
I can’t breathe right,
My fingers twitch uncontrollably,
People keep on speaking,
They act like I’m okay.
My brain feels like it’s breaking,
I'm in a room full of people
Smilin' and laughin'
And I can't bring my mind to joining them now or hereafter.
I'm thinking about death,
And I'm thinking about darkness.
You made me feel,
Like there was nothing I could achieve.
And all my dreams,
We’re too far out of reach.
You broke me down,
And watched me cry.
And didn’t even care,
My friends are a drug.
Each and everyone of them a pill.
They block out my reality,
And give me a high.
But thats all it is…..a high.
They don’t change my reality
Or well being.
You hide behind hills,
Curves of rock snaking up,
Strangling
The lakes and rivers--
Your tears.
And the blades of grass, a fine-woven net
To catch,
To cut,
To keep
My heart beats faster than my mind
Which is running somewhere else other than here
It escapes to my home in West Virginia which is a thousand mile away from here
Our monsters used to live under the bed,
sparkly and purple
“they’re not real,” we said
Life was safe,
monsters were fantasy,
Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to not constantly Worry about what people think of me, to not wonder if that woman on the other side of the room - that hasn’t even looked in my direction - is laughing at me or laughing at the completely rand
That dark slowly consumes me
It’s like inching closer to infinity
Is this what it’s like to not be able to see?
Don’t touch me
Or come near me
Perfect.
A level of expectation that I’ve come to strive for
despite the pain it causes.
It has grown to become a relief
to see a 100% atop my paper,
She says stop thinking so hard
I wish it was that easy
She says stop worrying so much
I wish it was that simple
She says stop being so selfish
I wish I was strong enough not to be
Atlas shakes
Beneath the weight
Of expectations
Far too great
He can not falter
He can not fail
His friends depend on him
He must be there
That was not me,
that hapless, shaking girl
clutching safety to her chest-
Wringing every last drop out of
sympathy.
That was not me,
but it was.
I was golden and young,
Rest your head upon my fragile shoulder,
Let my bones be your tired pillars.
Craving death, it's nothing new
You always tell me of your ache to bleed
Your soul has been starved
i’m not used to being this sad anymore
it’s like a distant relative that i once was very close to
until i realized that that relationship was toxic
and it took all of my strength to cut them off
Old habits die hard,
Robert Frost and dying stars,
Those are the things that made me.
Cherry blossoms now in bloom begin wilting on the stem.
When I was little,
I used to be afraid of
the dark.
I was afraid of all kinds of things:
spiders,
vampires,
snakes, and
Lonlieness is a curious little thing,it infects our thoughtstakes ahold of me sometimesIt makes me feel like no one would care.Like I'm alone in my thoughtsand that frightens me.Because I scare myself.
I struggle
To wake up every morning,
I find it hard
To fall asleep at night.
Getting up in front of a crowd is impossible,
Breathe, I tell myself,
BREATHE.
There are people going through worse,
I sat down to write with just one task, it was quite clear:
That all I had to do tonight was write about my fear
Though this may seem quite easy, it is not, I can attest
When he made her
he said she was going to be smart and funny and kind
and caring and she was going to have a boyfriend that she adores,
that always calls her beautiful
but she will have depression and anxiety
Deep in the forest, where the black moths play
Lies a species of creature that may not have existed today
They call themselves, "Dreadlox" from a tale
Far too old, a sort of pixie-like creature
I lie awake thinking
While staring at my ceiling
About so many things
To name a few: my day
Tomorrow
The paint chip on
The wall
There's that one word...
It keeps me from succeeding...
Failure.
It's bound to happen,
So why try to be
Successful?
I do nothing
Because I won't win.
I miss chances
My oh my, what is this deadly sensation?
A sickening feeling, oh how I detest it.
Like a chemical reaction, I feel the explosion
Of a million thoughts, the mind's at the limit.
Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, the next it's the bear.
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
lost my belief
near river streams
waters were splattering my elbows
by stratosphere
beaming grin
I said some things
left your eyebrows in Jupiter
promise you'll send doves to me
White Daisy,
so delicate
so pure of touch.
Deadly promises
and broken ways
turned your
once pure soul dark.
What created
the blackness
now coating,
covering the white?
There is an unspoken fear
Of the fear that lies within.
Of the fear boiling in my veins,
Of the fear peeling back my eyelids at 1 a.m.
I say nothing.
There is an unspoken fear
Of the fear that lies within.
Of the fear boiling in my veins,
Of the fear peeling back my eyelids at 1 a.m.
I say nothing.
No one wants to be friends with the depressed kid
Or the one with crippling anxiety
That poor child who was traumatized, but
Everyone steps away when she needs help
When the evil
Dark
I wake up each day, a new dawn,
a new beginning, filled with new possibilities
letting yesterday's failures fade
and yet they stick to me like the sap from a tree.
I.
Every emotions we have has its colors
Others were basically there to brighten
Like happiness, always there to enlighten
Ink on a page
Filled with color
Lines of stories never told
Sequences of secrets
Never unfold
People never breathed into creation
I feel safest by the water
where I am free
and my thoughts are my own
to feel without fear
or judgement.
I feel safest by the water;
I can hear God speak,
he whispers truth into my ear,
I can't hold on,
I can't let go...
I keep on breathing
But each breath is suffocating.
My heart keeps pounding
But in my own blood,
I'm sinking.
Press start to begin
Fighter thrown into battle
Decked out in armor
It is just a game
It’s a game you want to win
Excited, you run
Through the hollows, into the grey
Across the rolling hills of pain
Run all night till the darkest day.
When shadows behind the mists play
Charge forward to the silent rain
Heart pounding too fast,can't breathe,soul locked in the dizzy cageas I spin to the frequency of the world too fast, too loud.It's all crashing down now.I am TNT lit at both ends,
When you live with anxiety for so long it almost becomes a routine in your head.
Like a clock ticking in the background as you try go along with your day ignoring the thoughts that still exist in your head.
Nervous pangs and tattering thoughts
The impending terror of my dreams lay before me.
Psychology tells physiology to shut its mouth but biology gives in:
Close my eyes and count to three
Everytime I see someone since my uncle’s been gone, they tell me how different I look
How I cut my hair short
How my acne cleared up
How my lips aren’t chapped anymore
The darkness is creeping up on me.
It's up to my neck, I'm barely swimming.. not swimming at all, honestly...
I'm drowning in darkness
The tendrils wrapping around my neck
Dear Anxiety,
You are my closet friend, the one I've come to know.
You have demanded control over me and my life, the makings of the walls inside my mind.
She let down my pride, my spirits.
I let her do that.
I let my anxiety awknowledge my excistence instead of myself.
I was crying.
Crying a lot.
My heart is racing, I don't know why it keeps beating really fast.
Each day I wake up, putting on this mask.
I get afraid to do certain things, very easy, simple tasks.
Let me tell you a secret.
I live my life, chained
To the bottom of the ocean
Where blues meet blacks
And no matter how hard I struggle-
Walking slowly, earbuds turned all the way up
Running quickly from the mentors in my head, chasing me.
The bad Decisions,
the good Decisions.
Anxiety yelling I'm never good enough-
The only times my theater class is ever quiet is during lockdowns.
Anxiety grabbed a hold of me
I was only sixteen
It tried to destroy me
and then it shaped me in to who I was supposed to be
Without these struggles, I could have never known
How to thank someone to whom I owe everything? The silent struggle with this new stranger unable to trust my heart crying, “danger”. The silence stretched in a power struggle while I stared at the wall not moving a muscle.
Those black and white keys
That every person sees
Is significant to me
One woman changed my life
When lessons began one night
When life became depressing
She was my biggest blessing
I come from blurry images that look back at me from the mirror
I say I'm beautiful but harsh words from the past hit me like a pair of
Anvils weighing down on me
Bulying hurts and lays skin deep
It's nights like this
Where my mind is a cage
My thoughts rattling around behind the bars
Negativity
Hate
Anxiety
Insecurity
Screaming at my from every angle
I can't process my thoughts
And then three years later and look at us now..
We were talking about marriage & having some kids in the house.
Man nothing ruins a relationship quicker than doubt.
Used to say you were so confident in what we had.
just one more breath
nice and slow, think it through
isn't life or death; see?
what do you want to do
I wish this wasn't me
living with this constant cage
no peace for my mind
Insecure souls,Walking on their own dead bodies,Emotionless,
coz they don't care, even less,
Gravitating backwards she declines,
Liquifying to earths compressions,
Ruined but intertwined,
Cannot bypass innocent transgression.
Paved away from those dementions,
Couldn't shake her desolation,
Taking a day's anxiety
and turning it into a burning desire
by walking into a kitchen
and make a flambe with fire.
Turning a day of self doubt
into an impeccible entree,
Less a coach, more a teacher
In our practices you were a preacher
My confidence wavered from experiences past
But a man like you knew how to bring me out
Out of my shell, you brought this change about
my head is constantly telling me
I am scared, I am anxiety
chest hurts, nervous, taking prescriptions
panic attacks, pain, and other mind numbing symptoms
but through and through I try to find hope
Here I sit
Without me
Without you
I feel like my throat is closing in
Im not sure what this feeling is
Doom
Doom comes over me without warning
I feel like I need to scream but can't
A thousand words can mean a thousand things
A thousand thought can make a human being
A thousand words locked in my head
A thousand drops of blood down my hand
A thousand people in a room
To get away from reality
I fall into a fantasy
Created by my own anxiety
Fear flowing from my feet to my head
I mess up relationships instead
By overthinking way ahead
The happy starts to fade,
my hands they begin to shake
my eyes fill with tears and i am running away
my breath starts to catch and i am searchng for a hiding place
She looks at the mirror
with glistening tears
staring at what nobody else could ever see.
Scars invisible to the world
mar all of her thoughts in regard
to what she could be
and what she sould see
i dont know if im really who i say i am if im happy if im great who knows what i am no one but me. but im making sure that even knows my image and my heart im sad and happy who i am limbo i just want to obtain that one thing every human desires ha
It pounds against the confines of my head
Throbbing, pulsing from within
Flooding my skull with blinding pressure,
It seeks release
A thousand eyelids fluttering in the dim light
Millions of whispers piled deep into my head
Surrounded by voices; I was a <murmur>.
Fear had stolen my lips away,
Locked them in a vault under the sea-
Why?
My mind was confused.
My mentor was trappped in another world
in my tormentors
PTSD, Anxiety, Depression
a supression of myself
I've stuggled against it,
I've tried to deny them
It made me feel as though I didn't fit.
The salty liquid rolls down like a water fall,
staining rosy cheeks before falling upon the black sheets.
A fragile silence unbroken remains
as no sound is permitted to escape
the locked up lips which hide away
with time comes responsibilty.
only those who can partake in such things such as a job are said to live happy
but does money makes us "human"
does being wealthy make us proud and lovable?
A/N: This is better served as a performance piece, as it is the first Slam poem I ever wrote. So I will indicate actions in my performance with
*asterisks*
Feel free to be quiet
Feel free to move out
Your voices won't quit
I really need you out
I can't think
I can't speak
I am lost and confused
I feel used
Please, stop telling me what to do
my body is buzzing
frantic static inside my head
my blood runs cold
my skin burns hot
my vision blurs
i need it to STOP!
why won’t it stop?
i don’t feel real anymore
An antagonizing demon festered a feeling of imminent destruction within this decaying body
A dog named Hunger gnaws on my stomach
Growls at me whenever I cannot eat
Demands my attention while I’m in class
He has a sister who lives in my mind
Her name is Anxiety
While she does not bite me
End:
A cut on my arm
A cut on my leg
How have I been so brave?
They me what happened as i’m bleeding out
by Ariel Douglas (27 October 2016)
What do you see?
My smile? My fidgeting?
What do you hear?
My chatter? My rambling?
What do you feel?
The ghost that whispers doubt in your ear.
The fear that makes you afraid of everything.
The immediate action of either fight or flight.
Something that sticks with you and rarely leaves.
In an era where the only feeling is time
That nurtures a budding, all-consuming longing
A never ending cycle of living, “Should it end?”
I wish
you were not here
but since you are
be my fuel
It's hard to breathe
and it's hard to focus
but you are here
be my fuel
It takes so much
to do so little
ANXIETY
The endless thoughts,
The hesitations.
The stomach aches,
Headaches,
Tears.
Holding herself back,
ANXIETY
The endless thoughts,
The hesitations.
The stomach aches,
Headaches,
Tears.
Holding herself back,
i’m breathing in and out
rapid and unsteady
i have serious doubt
finding i am unready
i don’t know what to do
i’m pacing
i couldn’t possibly see this through
my heart is racing
You only see my tears when I laugh
But can't see my wounds and scars inside.
You only listen to what you hear
Fake smiles and fake laughs stop you from asking questions.
Haven't you noticed yet and learned a lesson?
The depression makes me want to talk and express what I'm feeling.
Sometimes by Brandon Arthur King Sometimes, the brightest lights cast the darkest shadows.
this is what depression feels like
or something else.
Anxiety?
My head is spinning and is thinking about things other than this world,
It’s because I love the orange tint
And hand painted clouds
Dipped in neon pinks and yellows
It’s been a while since we’ve been acquainted.
I think about you when I’m watching turned backs instead of faces
The refreshing feeling of venting to blank paper
Reading and writing poetry speaks to the soul,
Sometimes you have to fall before you reach your goal.
I would often question myself and ask who am I?
Why am I doing this? Is it worth a try?
I was taught to free my mind
I was taught to leave my pain behind
I was taught to travel to a different time
Without ever leaving my room behind
I was taught to be free
In which it helped with my anxiety
I remember the day
And the shame that followed
When I asked for help
And my fear I swallowed
They asked me questions
How long I'd felt this way
How my life was at home
If I felt I'd lost my way
is this ok?
am i ok?
is it ok that i exist?
always the questions
that continue to persist
in the mind of mankind
always the struggle
to overcome
to continue in a game
is this ok?
am i ok?
is it ok that i exist?
always the questions
that continue to persist
in the mind of mankind
always the struggle
to overcome
to continue in a game
What poetry has taught me is easy to see.
It's made me actually deal with, well, me.
I have learned that it's okay to have insecurities.
It's alright to acknowledge the anxiety.
My heart is heavy.
It is a bomb planted inside me,
Ready to explode within the walls of my chest.
My chest is tight.
My lungs fail me.
I always seem to findmyself here. These cement blocks,jutting out of the dirt likemoss-covered stepping stones.They lead the way and beckon me witha brittle finger. But you are nothere.
You are a galaxy.
A collection of beautiful fragments that shine.
You are a galaxy.
The planets that orbit your mind are home to brilliance.
Enid Ibarra
Human: A Lesson
When I was fourteen, I pressed my hand against
A stranger’s chest and learned that a heart
Has four chambers and cannot feel
I am quiet most of the time.
I just stare and think.
My words get frozen within my lungs.
And I believe my thoughts are deadly.
People tend to ask me,
"why are you so quiet?"
You sit and stare out at the fieldYou shut your eyes and form a shield.Where did you go wrong?The words and insults form a song.You’re such a fake friend!
I hesitate.
Replaying your comment in my head.
Say something.
Say anything.
Speak up.
Speak OUT.
But enough though I want to,
I don't say anything.
I don't.
You scare me.
I´m afraid to talk to you
Afraid of what I might give
And what I might get back
You scare me.
I´m afraid to stand with you
Wallet. Keys. Food for work. Check.
Anxiety rises with every minute that gets closer to my shift.
Leaving my house is hard
because I'm afraid I'll lose something and be stuck out there.
Wallet. Keys. Still there.
by Ariel Douglas (28 October 2014)
I am a beast
I am an animal
I am trapped in an unforgiving cage
I am destructive and I am broken
Bloodshot eyes
Clear despite the rain
Breaths as silent as they are translucent
Dark circles
sometimes it feels like I am screaming underwater;my words are just bubbles of gasping air.then I look around
Sweet soft rhymes rhythmic against ears so eager
Eat every word with sweet salivating stealth
Poems provoke pieces of me
Hanging on the quatrain I quiver through questions of who I am
I don’t enjoy speaking out
In social situations
The unfamiliar – thinly veiled-
And uncomfortable
Trembling in my voice
As I say something that does not sound – does not
Emit – what I want to say and
One o'clock strikes
A time of night not many dare seek
Weary limbs move
Begging for rest
Two o'clock strikes
Another hour gone by
'Why oh Why' she cries
Rest is far
Breathe, in and out
Curtains closed, Slowly open
Smile, Bigger, Happier
Don't shake, Don't show your nerves
Move, Grace, and poise
Children watch and Dream
One day it will be them
it never stops
the noise within
no breaks
no holidays
no timeouts
Consistency
Intensity
waves of volume weigh me down
particular voices come to mind
always pessimestic
the mirror isnt my true friend
she wont reflect my fantasy land
instead exposing the world in a aggressive manner
where i cant unsee the ugly truth
i cover my eyes to reside inside myself
I'm afraid of heights, but that's not all.
There are no ropes in case I fall.
Now that I'm an adult it seems,
the only escape from anxiety is in my dreams.
I would love to wake up one day,
It's been a year.A year since you broke me.
It's been a year since you cut into my fleshBefore I even got the chance toAfter telling me how horrible it is.
Grew up on planet earthBut wandered oftenSaw the eyes of friends and felt ashamedMistook the softness for the angerLed to the fogged chaos, to the sadnessTo the lonely nights that hissed and heated
I feel the walls close in on me As I feel the hinges of panic crawl onto my skin And the inklings of my mind. The beast has been let out of their cage again Because I forgot to obey their orders swimmingly. Now they've turned violent against me I
Please don’t look
Don’t look
Because I don’t know if I can say this if you do
Turn your back and listen
But listen to me
He is quiet. He is calm. He always sits in the darkest corners. He is not safe. He is dangerous. He is deadly.
A jumbled, hurt feeling
A word, a sentence
Hope to bring healing
A heart filled with repentance
You bring me relief
I would say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place,
But sometimes, it’s more like I’m stuck between a rock and the ground.
I’m pinned in place, and I can’t move.
there’s a woman
who wasn’t the best mother
she had depression
it was quite sad
even tried to take her life
The piercing of the gunshot and the race between my heart and mind is on
And just like the pounding of running feet on the pavement, my heart is racing
But it is the only thing I can hear
My life. My life?
I sit in class staring at the wall.
The teacher spewing "knowledge"
I am lost. Lost in my thoughts until I realize I have not been thinking.
Imagine waking up early and feeling all happy
Then by nine pm, you've got all snappy
The girl you loved is now a whore
And you're one wrong word from a hole in the wall
IT GETS BETTER.
It seems like such a cliche.
Honestly, I know how it sounds,
and how those words make you feel:
annoyed, devalued, misunderstood.
It seems like a lie,
it feels impossible,
What will you remember me by?
The hair out of place or the smile on my face
A sentence in the back of the book
The way I act or the way I look?
I forgot I’m forgetting I’m forgotten
Since I got away from you for solid years,
Built up confidence like a Berlin wall that separated my mind from people like you.
Through the words flowing from this pen,
almost seamlessly it feels,
I have discovered what lies in the deepest corners of my mind,
things I never imagined I could touch.
People have always told me,
A shiny, new, bustling city.Full of people.Each with ideas.Each with thoughts.Each with emotions.
But then It starts.
Ever sense that day, all anyone can say is
"How are you doing?"
I respond with the simple and basic answer
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, Thanks
These two words are the thin veil that protects me from them...
I have always been the small girl. The short girl ,the skinny girl, the I can wrap my fingers around her wrist girl. The eat a cheeseburger girl.
When I told my friend that I liked a boy she was ecstatic. She gushed. She squealed. She urged me forward.
When I told my friend he asked me out she screamed. She laughed. She yelled. She asked me when we were going out.
I have a little blade box,
It's hidden by my bed.
It hides all the secrets,
I can't keep in my head.
So if I'm feeling bad,
or want to sink into the dew,
I grab my little blade box,
My mind is a ferocious beast
That feeds off of dismal and harrowing memories.
Oh no, is it time for the feast?
It feels as if I am deceased.
The monster putting my mental state in jeopardy,
Blood drips onto the floor from the knives in my back
Tears flood from my eyes as it all goes black
I let people hurt me because I trust too much
I could get lost in the beatuy of your eyes
Compare the, to the beatuy of nature
Crystal blue lakes, perciuos gems
I could say they remind me of home
Of feeling safe
Call your eyes bright as the stars
my heart
aches
at the knowledge
that i’ve loved you for forever
but
forever is coming
to an end.
As the colors fade and slowly turn to grey,
I rise from the ashes, color blossoming from within me.
I hear a whisper behind me,
But I dare not look back.
You are cryptic
A knot I cannot untie
I'm sorry if I hurt you
I wouldn't quite know
Since you keep it so
Guarded from me
As if I hurt you
But I'm not sure how
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I am a politically conscientious, theater-obsessed English nut,
An extrovert with anxiety and an unquenchable taste for scary books and movies,
"Be yourself again." They say.I want to be all that and more.But how can I go back to being something,That I never even knew?And how can you find yourself,
You don’t understand
that when I say
“It was hard for me
to get out of bed today,”
it was because
I had to peel myself
i’ve been trying to find love in a billion relationships
and i’ve tried everything i can to make myself feel something
and i’ve pushed my feelings so far behind walls
and i’ve pushed people away to get free
I want to do my homework
But he prevents me from doing so.
I want to practice my violin
But he tells me I couldn't do it anyway.
I want to have fun with my family and friends
But he wants all of us to suffer.
I’m thinking St. Jude has got a hold on me
My head my hands my head
Shaking so violently
Hand me a bottle, babe
I can’t breathe
I need to breathe
But alas, I sit in this barren, cold room. Very much solitude. No sun, no moon. Storm nor shine do I find. Dark nor light existing. Just space, space and confusion, doubt, and worry. Running, chasing invisible dreams. Dreams so unreal, dreams so
The baby was tucked into bed,
Quietly breathing, slightly smiling
The mother was laying down right beside her,
Mentality breaking, silently wondering
I’m scared of losing my ability to write
Like the way essays seem to escape me right before i have an idea
To vent is to relieve yourself
To benefit one’s personal health
To hold things in you are at risk
So let it out
Do not resist
Cry, whisper, shout, speak
Don’t hang on
I'm breaking it off
You put a chain around my brain
I'm finally taking it off
I know it's gonna be hard
Well I'm making it soft
Until I'm recalibrated, rededicated
Dear Anxiety,
For the longest time, I never knew you were with me.
When I did, though, it became perfectly clear.
You taught me that I needed to be perfect,
but with perfection came some issues.
To my dear depressing thoughts,
You’ve been apart of my life for so long.
Living, breathing and hurting inside of me.
Its been awhile since I’ve felt you.
I’m sure you’ve come back to open my wounds again.
Push. Push. Toss. Catch. Turn. Smile. Point. Breath. Don't let your feelings get the best of you.
Dear Mr. Salvador Dalí,
You were onto something.
People think you were on something.
I think you get it better than any of us can.
Dear Fear,
Crippled you have made me past,
and dawned with dread
in every other thought.
Like that which called me, plead
to be a draught
that I could drink and find no rest.
Dear Anxiety,
Thanks to you, my friends, Will to Live and Love, have left my
Heart.
I try to reason with you, trying to get you to
Stop.
Dear Anxiety,
You need to go
Take a trip to Moscow
I’ll cut you off the way Van Gogh
Cut off his ear
Dear _______,
I won’t give you a name.
You know who you are
And I know, too.
I’m trying to forget.
I’m trying to let go of the
Little obstacles I’ve been through.
Dear Anxiety,
I guess I didn’t know what was down or up the road
All I knew was as I got older my happiness started to corrode
As the masses started asking
In the chthonian cacophony of this
Fast-paced world,
that never stops, never halts
Always turns, always runs,
Coffee drinking, Not really thinking
Why can't you just be happy?
My brain is hardwired for sadness
You look tired. Are you sleeping?
Sometimes. It's hard to fall asleep
Why is it so hard to fall asleep?
Dear Anxiety,
A, Fuck you.
B, I'm so tired of it.
I just want to be free of you.
The feelings of not doing enough, being enough.
To the one who haunts me most:
I shove my feet into the boots and pray nobody sees me shake.
Every morning, I wake up with a sense of regret lingering in my system.Drip.
Dear Anxiety,
Not a day goes by where I am without you
Not a day goes by where I like you
From holding me back
To making me cry
From filling my head with negatvity
To making me freeze
To the people who don’t understand why I won’t let them touch me,
I’ve built a wall between friends, family, and others.
And fucking think again if you thought I had any lovers.
Hey little me,
I know that nothing has been okay,
and I know that you're afraid.
I know that you're alone.
I know that all of the scrapes and bruises
they are nothing compared to what can't be seen.
Dear Anxiety
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
At least I think I feel like, I cant breathe.
The world is so big.
Yet I am so small.
I can't leave my house.
I can't leave my room.
You want me to talk about the realness of this - fine
I believe I am so depressed that it should be a disability
I feel like my insides are rotting and turning into
To the monster inside of me,
You’ve had your fun,
You thought you prevailed,
You thought you had won.
I never thought it would end,
I wish they knew how it feels to be me.
I wish I could cry for help, fall to the ground and…
I wish they knew that award ceremonies are lose-lose situations
Dear hands,
Stop shaking stop picking.
I wish you'd be still and
Stop scratching stop flicking.
Listen,
Dear Her,
I saw Her wrists.
I saw the scars.
I have not forgiven myself
for failing to save Her.
I do not know how to refrain from losing Her again.
Dear Anxiety,
Please leave me alone.
( Why?)
You do not need to constantly question every action I make
(Are you sure?)
dear nicholas and twila,
when i was so much younger
i was sad and often cried
i always felt alone
no matter how hard i tried
My eyes may be closed,
But you'll never catch me sleeping.
I run my hand, cold,
Over scars with heavy breathing.
Even now it stings,
Indentions deeper than remembered.
I’m scared to write an essay.
The computer I’m sitting at is humming and the wood under my wrists are vibrating
My anxiety attacking me like my racing heart when I cup my ears too hard as I count to 287.
Crying because I want to be happy,
But tired of that fucking dysphoria making me wish for misery.
I write these thoughts to clear my mind from the piles of blunt ended metaphorical clutter that may, or may not have cadence.
Their long winded flow,
Dear Anxiety,
It seems strange to be writing to you
When you feel just like another part of me,
An extra appendage that I can’t amputate
Dear Fear,
You are my closest friend
You live inside my head and decide what's best
You keep my grades high so I can follow my dreams
You keep home and safe from all danger
Voices inside my head
They cloud my mind
Keeping me up at night—they call my name
A little here, a little there
I must be crazy
January 29, 2018
Dear all those who love me,
It sits there menacingly, waiting
It’s come back around, and it’s ready for a fight
I’ve prepared my armor…my guns
Dear anxiety,
Yesterday I saw an old friend at the mall but I didn’t say hello because of you.
We used to be good friends but ever since I moved it hasn’t been the same. It was because of you.
Not much has changed, looking back, in a year
When more often than not there are days with your tears
Flooding my own and lifting the ships
That I sent my demons away to drown in;
Alone, that is how I felt
How we felt.
As I look back and realize
You were never alone, you
Had your thoughts, your dreams, and your goals.
They scared you. They broke you, they broke us.
Dear Anxiety,
My heart races when you are near.
My hands become sweaty as you whisper in my ear.
A tingle up my spine.
You have always been mine.
Dear anxiety,
Can we please just take a break, this relationship is dragging on and you’re an unwelcome guest. You’ve been a poison to my serenity and fuel for my fears. Go home anxiety, you’re no longer wanted here.
Sincerely,
Dear Anxiety,
You always seem to find yourself in my head
I can’t keep up with you, I hate this feeling of dread
You keep my hands sweaty and my stomach feeling funny
Hey,
It has been a while
A while since you have sat down and took a breath.
You are reading this because you feel burdened,
maybe by something self-afflicted,
maybe by a matter of circumstance.
Zip Zap Zed
There’s a ghost who follows me
And whispers in my ear. I only
Hear her in the silence. And the
Things she says haunts me dearly.
I learned to live in the noise.
Dear Thorn in my side,
You haven’t always had your razor-sharp point embedded in my skin.
What is it like not to hurt
I wonder
What is it like to not be filled with pain
I wonder
What is it like to live every day
Healthy, safe, free
With just what you need
And knowing everything is okay
How could you let me down?
My dear brain,
your power is so immense
But you lash out on me.
Why me?
For once let me have one thought
one idea
To overcome others is strong.To overcome oneself is the will of power. I try to convince myselfThat I am the best actress to ever walk the earth,And that the hole concaving in my chestIs simply a understudy for my sadness. To overcome others is
Dear Fear,
I was told by a character in a cute little movie that you used caution to keep me safe—
—So please explain to me why I’m scared of sharks in my swimming pool.
No one is like me
This is a blessing and a curse
No one is as detail oriented as I am
No one thinks like me
Dear, Yang
I'm stuck in this room man I cant get out
Shivers down my spine, without a doubt
I'm stuck on this bed
you can only get so deep before bursting into tears
being vulnerable is hard before it’s easy
where’s the key that opens up all the locks
God why can’t I talk fluently to others?
My words become indistinct, just fragments
In my head their fervour cause a shutter
An impact captivating like a comet
Dear Poetry,
Thank you for always being there.
I mean, I'd be worried if you ran away from me
Black scribbles flying off the page making me double check my prescriptions
Dear depression,
As the tears
stream down my face
I begin to feel like
A disgrace
“we cant help you if you don’t speak”
Is what they always say
But what they do not know
After a while you grow tired of hearing it.At first, it's the worst.How could you say that?How dare you say that?Who are you to tell me what I choose?
Dear God,
I'm screaming, I'm shaking, I'm dead inside. I want to be good enough and believe me, I tried.
So I take a deep breath and I count to three. I imagine the person that I wish I could be.
Dear Anxiety,
What if they don’t pick me?
What if I am not good enough?
What if I don’t win any scholarships at all?
What if I write the worst letter they’ve seen?
Today I miss
Being mentally stable
Being hale and whole
Having a brain with chemicals made and mixed
In the right proportions
I think the day you told me
That the words ‘post-traumatic stress disorder’
Could be applied to my name
Is the day I was truly went crazy.
The day that poems started falling
I’m kind of sick and kind of sad
But if I’m honest
Neither one really fits
‘Cause only a few have hearts good enough
For life to take an ice cream scooper
And dig the carton of their soul hollow
rain slips down my windshield
like a broken mirror
endless skewed versions of everything
are reflected back to me
I forgot how to turn on the wipers
they’re only supposed to run on high
Dear LittleVoice,
I hope you know that you lost
It's been almost three years now and even if you do come back, I'll be ready
I know you now
Why won’t you just leave me alone?
I don’t want you around - I never have.
But apparently, I can’t get a restraining order
against my own mind.
Dear anxiety,
You've been with me my whole life
Not like a loving mother who cares for me
I've never been fond of
the cold days
although
i like staying in
where it's warm
and safe
but sometimes
i need
freedom
on the cold days
especially
I need adventure
Keep searching for the lyrics of a broken heart
But no words can really express the pain that I feel
No one will ever understand the life I have lived
So I am left here to write this myself.
dear anxious self,
when your brain cannot stop thinking
and your heart beats in object terror
at things only the mind’s eye sees -
breathe.
Anxiety,
What triggered you this time?
Was it the way that man looked at us on the street?
Was it the test we have in chem. tomorrow?
There may be times when you are feeling down,
when someone blows your rekindling ember,
and you can't help but put the biggest frown,
or raise the flag in white to surrender
in front of many people who've shamed you
I want to die
So I can be as free as a butterfly
I want to die
My friends feel like they are passing me by
I want to die
All of my plans have gone awry
I would politely ask you to stop talking
and the red would show through
but i’d force it down
to a meek whisper
my fingers twitch
itch and fiddle
Dear Future Self,
Do you remember the beat
The thumping of feet
Up and down the halls
In and out of classrooms
they say we don't write letters
but I wrote 'em
just last year
christmas alone
the only thing I wanted was to speak
but he was
cities
towns
states
Dear Anxiety,
We have known each other for far too long
I was six when you first came rapping on my door
You loomed there like the grim reaper
With your chains of fear and worry you tied me down
Dear ex-lover,
You say that it's not always about me
as if this fear of not being enough
of ruining every good thing in my life
Dear God,
I'm worried,
I know where my life is headed,
But even then,
I feel that I don't have direction,
I know what I want to do,
But even then,
Is it the right thing?
It was the way he chewed on his nails until his fingers were raw.
the way he trembled and studdered and looked around
like he was watching out for something.
Present in class,
under the antiseptic light of the lecture hall my words infect the air,
and my fat brass opinion dissipates into discussion.
The next hand raises
Dear friend,
I love seeing you every morning.
Your presence makes me shutter.
I enjoy our small talk. It's nice.
Sometimes there's silence. It's nice.
How could she not understand
The pain she is causing her children
She believes that my father will take all of us
And he isn't holding us captive its our choice
Dear Stranger,
Anxiety is like a whirlwind of emotions that hits you all at once
You may feel happy then boom; you are hit by an overwhelming thought of panicky sadness!
Your heart begins to race
My eyes used to shine so bright but then it changed.
Time passed
days, weeks, months a year had gone by.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had smiled with ease.
Dear Mr. Woods, can you let me out without ever letting me go, Mr. Woods?
The rain pours and weighs down your branches, now I'm soaked from head to toe, Mr. Woods.
Dear 2017,
Thank you.
Thank you for the pain. Thank you for the hurt. Thank you for the tears. Thank you for the hardships.
To others that do not understand,
they call you jitters, uneasiness, or maybe worries
but you are so much more than what it may seem.
You are anxiety, misery in its purest form
my fingers tingle
my knuckles white
i grasp my hopes
“it’ll be alright”
but nothing changes
they start to slip
through the cracks
that aren’t newly broken
Dear You,
This is my least favorite part of my day.
I can never escape her eyes.
And my body can never escape her judgments.
"Bent, broken, barbed"
That's all she seems to say as her nails
I failed my major.
I came outside crying.
It was worse than a bad audition.
It was my entire plan being crushed in front of me.
"You've improved, but you're just not ready yet."
I can feel it
The wind rushing through my hair
The gentle tug of my face as that breeze goes quickly past me
I love this feeling
This freedom
With slouching back and drowned out eyes,
shaking skin and writhing.
"It will be okay!" they lie,
but they all no nothing.
Sleepless nights and restless days,
the looming feeling always stays,
Dear teachers,
At 11 years old, I sprained my ankle.
I got to sit out of gym until it healed.
Gradually, I nursed it back to its full strength
Welcome to the place where my mind often wanders
Welcome to the corner of my brain where my doubts lie
Where my anxieties are written in red ink, because in black ink I write my history, and blue is where I write my sorrow.
My mind is a computer,
It plays games,
Process information,
Turns to power-saving mode.
But if this is true,
Then what are my disorders?
They are flash drives,
Every morning when I wake up I lieI tell myself everything will be okayI go a put on a smileIt takes everything for me to smileIt takes everything for me to pretend Every day when I work I lie
Breath init hurts
Breath outit hurts
Breath init hurts
Breath outit hurts
In thru my mouth out through my nose
Darling,
Have you found the right route, or are you wasting time?
Why do you keep all things in mind, in your mind?
It's sad to see you go this way, but I must release you.
Leaves crumple under my feet as my eyes are fogged by my layered tears.
I’m walking under the brightest street lights, but still feeling completely in the
If only you knew the lengths I would go to be able to tell you how much I love you.
Or the amount of pain I would endure to spend another night falling asleep in your arms.
Sometimes, I think it would be nice to peel off my skin in strips like string cheese.
Sometimes, I think it would be cool to be frozen solid like a Popsicle.
Growing up a good girl with a bad brain is strange.
i get scared on the longer days,
dear
and you, inquisitive, know the blush…
...the blushing reason why
i get scared
Because I am not who you want me to beYou criticize, chastise, and punish meCurse me to the end of the Earth,And throw your religion in my face.
My anxiety haunts me.And no, it's not the usual "under the bed" or "inside the closet" ghostThis is a "inside my heart" ghostA "something is holding me against my bed" ghostA "I can't breathe" ghost
I woke up one morning,And I forgot I was dead.The clock on the wall insisted it was midday,The sun coming through the window seemed to agree.The date on the calendar insisted today was real,
Dear any and all,
It starts with a search.
“I think I might be sick,” you type, fingers hesitant because each word, each letter you feel like, is crying out to the world, with the quietest of voices. Look at me. Look at me.
To those with anxiety....
cripplling, illogical, unforgiving, and neverending...
an unwanted presense in our life.
something we are forced to live with.
the reality is this "disorder" is nothing.
Dear Life,
It's a burning mess, and I'm one of the flames;
Terminally depressed because it's all the same.
Another Saturday night and it's one a.m.,
You're back on my mind, I just need to win.
Dear Ryan,
You didn’t know me way back when…
I struggled to read with my kin,
Mom studied by day and worked by night.
Dad held three jobs, struggling with all his might.
Another night where sleep decided to delay its arrival. Thoughts swirled in her head like a whirlpool that sucked her to its depths.
dear anxiety,
you have been with
me for what feels
like eons, now.
you have whispered
honey-coated
words
that have stuck
to my ears
like the syrup
Dear Anxiety,
Are you the reason my life is a mess?
Or is it just me,
My imagination,
My endless misconception?
Are you the reason my dad left?
Or was it because my mom was young,
Dear Love,
What’s been on my mind?
An eternal pain.
A constant pain.
It's a movement of anxiety and worry that slowly quivers through my body.
Have you ever felt like you can’t get out of bed? You feel you literally cannot get dressed? Like you have no energy to pick up a fork? Or put on a shirt? No interest or ability to concentrate on anything?
I am nothing
This world tells me to be something but… they only make me feel like nothing.
This world wants me to spread positivity but their negativity makes me angry.
Your alarm clock starts to yell at youTelling you the morning has arrivedYou argue,Burrowing into the blankets wishing for more,More time,More warmth,But the sun is peaking over the smoky mountains
This year has been a rollercoaster.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been on
One of these rides. Just when I try to
Steady myself atop a hill of these
Dear Childhood,
I wish I had gotten to know you better How long ago was it that I left? It was certainly early
You people talk of drowning
You who know what I know
I wish that I was drowning
Then maybe my plight would show
Instead I’m trapped here swimming
When you first look at her,
You notice not her glassy eyes,
Or her carefully done up locks.
You notice the glinting medallion
Hanging from her neck.
You push me around,
You say it's just harmless fun,
Well that is, you say that to the teachers and adults.
To me it's more than that.
You force me to smile and say 'I am fine,'
Even though,
I'm not.
Good morning! By good morning, I mean it’s a good thing that you made it through the night. The night is a liar. Maybe not. Sometimes I confuse my anxiety with the night, something like insomnia?
So much depends upon the proper playground pick-me-ups
And picking perennial playground buttercups
There is a girl sitting in front of me
I have known her for years and
Though we are not friends we
Are not acquaintances either
She is talking about something
Why can't I just be a bird,
that reaches up to the sky looking down at all the views and always free to fly?
Why can't I just be the sun,
Lost...Broken... Wandering in a wilderness of despair, Standing in the shadows of shadows becoming invisible again..The glow of the infidelic sun no longer exists...
It was the way he chewed on his nails until his fingers were raw.
The way he trembled and studdered and looked around like he was watching out for something.
Fidgeting and stumbling on his words,
As I sit in my chair, typing away at my computer, I feel eyes, watching me. Not bad eyes. No harm is intended, I can tell. But someone, perhaps more than one person, watches me.
My anxiety cripples me
I take it on as a first line of defense
My tongue’s as sharp as a knife,
I’ll cut you with my words until you bleed apologies
I’m the kind of anxious that gets too comfortable
The overwhelming exhale as I awake from a nightmare, those endless encounters with the fear of isolation, only drives me to become a more compelling individual who's mind is yet to be freed from torment and confusion. 'Expect the unexpected' the c
Well, there was this girl, She lives her life as a lie, She continues to explore the world of sin,But instead she feels dead inside As she took the blade And her body swayedShe’s thinking'“WorthlessPatheticUselessPsychoticI was born at the wrong t
my thoughts float around me in clouds of periwinkle and gold.
ribboned stardust,
mesmerizing me
amidst the inky darkness of navy blue
that blankets my mind
i often gaze up at them
I’ve been contemplating for the past three days,Words to describe my precise emotions,And I become embarrassed by myself,For not even being able to, in such a s
Let me tell you a story
Of her heavy mind that cried
Every night to the moonlight
As she always questioned why.
Let me tell you a
Dear depression
I don't want you anymore
These gloomy dark days you give me were never fun
Yet you continue scarring me
so now I don't know if it's you or me in my bathroom mirror
1. Catch a feeling, connect that feeling to the way that butterfly wings flutter, shutter. The way the wind protests against the trees, creating music with a breeze. 2.
Death is knocking at my door again tonight
I’m trying so hard to slam the door in his face
But each day it gets a little harder
He’s been persistent comin round every night
My nerves shatter does it really matter
Everything's a blur It's too bright my stomach turns
Closing my eyes i put my head in my heads and sounds you can't hear are driving me batty
Nothing seems to be going as planned
No matter how hard I try it's never good enough
Though i'm surrounded by people it often feels as though i'm alone
To my doubt,
Have you ever wondered
what it would be like
to live a life free of you
and to have a heart
unburdened with
thoughts of worry and woe.
Have you ever wondered
To my darling, Anxiety—
Hello, I haven’t missed you.
Not that you ever left, but if you did
I would not miss you.
I would not miss the way you make my hands shake when I am feeling vulnerable,
I burn the pages
of my oldest notebooks,
erasing the ages
that have passed me by.
I remember the old days,
and cheerful jokes told
paired with a longing gaze,
and my calloused fingertips.
four years
four years of pain, confusion, and fear
four years
four years of anger, sorrow, and tears
four years you abused me
four years you used me
four years you destroyed me
The grasp on her is tight
Suffocating her sanity
Hands numb
Heart still beating
Her mind? Filled with demons
Flooding her veins with tortuous thoughts
She silently screams, but no one hears
Bullies are described as
People who are habitually cruel,
Insulting, and threatening,
To weaker people,
At least according to Merriam Webster.
Unheard,
Unseen
Blind, naked and uncontrollable trembling.
Drowning me,
Suffocating me.
Are you okay?
Whats wrong? Why cant you say?
You're a fake
Just afraid.
You're not pretty,
Dear Esther,
I haven’t been the kindest lover.
After a decade of affection, I have grown impatient.
My fingers get rough,
I am afraid of the dark and falling and those shadows you see in the corner of your eye.
And all of these fears probably stem from that time when I was young,
The actions you do,
The words you say,
Slowly eating away.
You don't see the psychopath,
Who lives inside of me,
Leading me down the wrong path.
I want to shout,
Dear Anxiety,
You are the embodiment of my self-doubt if it took the form of a black rabbit overdosed with caffeine that somehow got itself into a cage of white lions.
Dear Racing Thoughts,
Please slow down.
S. L. O. W. Down.
Let me breathe.
Let me be in the moment.
Let my heart beat with my mind as clear as the ocean.
You can't though can you?
Dear Darian,
I’m stuck in a game of tag
I thought it would be fun
The closer he gets, the faster I run
My body is drained,
but I continue
I can’t be ‘It’
A child of ten years,
And a invisible puppeteer,
Stumbled upon each other in a forum.
They grew closer and closer,
But little did the child know,
They would break their heart.
Stop twitching every time you mumble those around you worrythey wonder what you say under your breath when you make those jokes people get uncomfortable unsure of whether to laugh along
dear past, present, and future self,
you fall in love at thirteen
it is may and you are sick again
delicate and easy prey you are
but you pray
Mother,
Let me tell you about two children of my own.
I've had them for awhile, and I'm surprised you haven't noticed.
I have devils in my pocket.
Two little devils.
They snag crumbs from my plate,
I know it's not gonna be easy There's gonna be hard days There's gonna be sad days I know that life will sometimes feel like a maze But with God, I'll make it through, because He is good in so many ways My God has never failed to make me amazed I
I have devils in my pocket.
Two little devils.
They snag crumbs from my plate,
They wait patiently outside the shower,
They sit on my night stand as I sleep.
Sometimes they are more noticable,
My nerves shatter does it really matter
Everything's a blur It's too bright my stomach turns
Closing my eyes i put my head in my heads and sounds you can't hear are driving me batty
Too loud, too loud
Eyes drowned, head bowed
Clap hands over ears
Fingers leave bruises
But must hold in the music
To suspend myself from reality
Hear rhythm rapping the only words that make sense
She was the canvas,
the blade the brush,
the blood the paint
that gives her a rush.
A rush of releif
from the opressive thoughts
that control her mind,
that takes control of her life.
Unclench your jaw—
Let go
And be at ease.
The world is already so tough
You don’t need to please.
Drop down your shoulders
Where did these thoughts come from?
The sloshing waters of the world,
Slammed into a pint glass,
Circumference frosted,
Salty and dripping.
Depression is battling yourself to send your cousin a picture saying "Thought of you" to open a conversation with her
But deciding against it because it's 1am and you don't want to appear lonely and desperate for attention
All eyes on me
Watch me stutter, watch me slip
Watch me crumble at the pressure
Laugh and applaud
I craft masks and write acts
I don't want you to think it's over
This is just the beginning
Let repetition kill the potency
Of the demons’ chant “we’re winning”
Listen just one more time
Speak
Ugly empty silence in my chest
You painful knot of bitterness
Full of regret and accusation
Speak
Each part inside me that dies
I used to think I was a good writer
My creativity used to flow from
Head to hand to pen to paper
Because I Love You
Because I love you I let my heart break
Because I love you I claim every mistake
Because I love you I let you leave,
In fear that you might see what I see.
(((I copied this from my previous account that was deleted, Please enjoy)))
The thing that I admired,
That was my role model,
it cradled my cold body,
it tucked me in at night
It still takes care of me sometimes
and makes me forget that-
This Feeling Is Such A Pain.
“Because I love you”
he said, the pain would all stop
because I love you
“Because I love you”
he said, the voice would go away
because I love you
“Because I love you”
I sit here and wait,
I dont complain,
I do what you ask,
and yet you arent satisfied,
I cant go on,
not with depression coming along
and not with anxiety taking control,
You love me, right?
Yes, I know you've said it.
Yes, I know I've heard it and yes.
I've listened.
But!
But nothing, I know.
You do, BUT--
My brain doesn't believe you.
I cannot do what most people can
Most can leave their house without their heart racing like a thousand horses
My father and I are one in the same;
according to some.
He hates math,
me too,
but I believe there are more similarities than not.
After all we have been through and got.
Medications, prescriptions,
Because you love me you sat up all night
Despite having work the next morning, early
So I could cry over nothing
Because my anxiety told me “Warning: OVERWHELMED”
I can hear screaming,
no theory of where its coming from,
or where the sound is streaming.
What is this meaning?
Why is there a dismal sound
In some places, scars are
The most goregous, glimmering things you've ever seen.
Intricate designs telling of forgotten pains
And forged of blood.
They speak to the strength of their owner.
I finally spit it out.
I finally told all.
I finally admitted it.
I did it.
I regret it, but not really.
I know a part of me does,
but right now, I can't find it.
Hello, old friend,
it’s been awhile.
I haven’t missed you,
and I’ve been in denial.
Been telling myself
it’s okay to smile.
Last night, I couldn't breathe
And so I couldn't think.
I was so desperate to stay alive,
I stabbed people hurting to
Claw my way to the surface.
I never thought I'd drown in open air.
No.
A powerful word.
An underestimated word.
A new word
To me.
I always bleed,
I cannot eat,
Anxiety makes me want to
Leap out of my seat.
A hand on my thigh,
Social anxiety
It’s so simple, but it can ruin lives
My life
People talking feels like heavy metal blasting in my ears
I can’t hear
Their words get scrambles into alphabet soup
You lurk in the dark,
Stalking night,
Creeping by,
Feet quick, Tongue quicker, Once a lover,
Always my demon,
Haunt me like a ghost,
But hold me like a lover,
You are no friend of mine.
My mind, it spins
Endlessly it seems, like the arms of a hurricane.
And yet, it is trapped, centered, in my body,
Next to you.
A small shift in weight.
A whimper.
You understand,
You touch me,
Tick...Tock...Tick
Just breathe
Keep calm
You got this
You studied for hours
Wait is it A or B?
Wait what does this even mean?
Did you really study enough?
Was four days enough?
I'm wide awake.
Night fell long ago;
morning rose to take its place.
I hide my face
from the light.
The peace of sleep
never graced my pillow.
Instead the tumultuous waves
The claws of the creature
that once tore into the tapestry
of my mind are dulled
The unraveling has ceased
but not without
leaving behind wide
fraying gaps
Weaving together
I'm at war with my mind
And the only sense of peace I can find
Is if I go back and let my mind rewind
Back to when I didn't think much
About what I looked like and where I'd sit at lunch
they never saw the real me
the one i hid away in my closet
buried with the things i hid from society
tied her up and taped over her mouth so no one would hear her scream
i remember being happy
being with you is taxingyou suck the energy from my veinsyou cannot make me happybut it's better than being alone
it's pitiful isn't it?to be so lonely I'd rather be with youwho makes me so miserable
the soft tapping crackingof an eggshell on a countertopbrings me to a place that I never thought I would be
If there is one thing I want,it is to not be a wasted life.I want to say I did things for people.I want to saythat I became a playground for everyone’sdemons,a place for people to leave what won’t
Every time you tag me in a post I want to rip out my eyes.
You always take pictures which is great when those pictures aren't of me.
You see, when I see a picture of myself
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid of horses.
I'm afraid of heights.
I'm afraid of drowning.
I'm afraid of death.
NOBODY SEES THE STARS DURING THE DAY BUT IN THE NIGHT THEY ARE VISIBLE,
GOD KNOWS HOW TO HIDE YOU TILL ITS YOUR TIME TO SHINE.
YOUR INVISIBILITY DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE NOT EXISTING SO BE JOYFUL,
Choking, squeezing/ Breath gone/ Eyes dark/ Oh, wherefore art thou,/ O serotonin?/ Mind racing/ Deborah pacing/ Confusion mounting/ Behind my eyes, they're shouting/ Yes, no, maybe so/ Static, static, white noise/ Shake and flap/ Senseless sc
I'd grind a mirror to dust
with my bare hands
if it meant
I never had to look
at myself again.
I'd burn every book I own
because i love you,
a wooden door, left locked, is given a window,
clear glass, and port hole,
a place to speak.
because i love you,
Teeth grind
Heart is dust
Soul shattered
Tear stained face
Barren inside
Burden outside
Return me
Replace me
Don't love me
I don’t want to be here1, 2, 3...No, this is not a note of thoughts on ending the life of mine14, 15, 16...No, this is not a cry for help.26, 27, 28...This is simply what it says, I don’t want to be here...This room is full of ambitious students.
Okay so you are drunk again
But this time you let your heart stay in bed
it's your brain here surprisingly enough
so listen up
You have potential
A part of Newton's Cradle
Right now is just the start
How is it that I am still alive?
How is it that today I am awake
and maintaining hope that things will get better
when I can feel myself spiraling out of control?
There have been days...
This town is filled with strays
Many die while others thrive
No one likes the survivors.
Angry, anxious, and violent
running away when they can
swiping when they can't.
Guiding Holy Spirit
anxiety?
No need to fear it
Blissfully
I Breathe
What a way to be!
Jesus once again conquered death,
& Gave Life to the powerless.
There’s always a key.
A key to one’s mind
A key to one’s heart.
A key to one’s soul.
Locked away for same keepings,
But thieves still slither this earth.
Skilled thieves pick locks
For me,
you were a miracle,
a secret,
untouchable, youthful,
my favorite metaphor,
but it turned into the darkest poem,
you took what I had to give,
until there was nothing left,
I am afraid to close my eyes
Hearing the emptiness when I awake
Feeling any heart pounding against my ribs
lungs constricting to leave me breathless.
My head is spinning
as I choke down a shriek
A moment of anxiety
this is where your tightrope snaps
So you have a choice
To grab onto the rope and swing
try to climb yourself with up the edge with all you've got
bruise your knuckles on the rocks
Ok. We need to talk about swimming. Going to the pool and running into friends is something most people love.
The feeling of the refreshing air and the warmth of the summer sun just feels so good.
Three pills a day for the rest of my life
Is what I need for my mind to be normal.
There is nothing wrong with that, I know
But some days
I choke
On what feels like the Titanic stuck in my throat
I catch a glimpse of your dimples when you laugh,
Thinking to myself,
Why are you still here?
I watch as you water the garden we planted together,
Thinking to myself,
Why are you still here?
Darkness veils my mind
Just a hostage to self-doubt
The soul yearns for light
Shaken from my sleep
The slumber that slowly kills,
Crumbles and retreats
New day means new choices
My dearest Natalie, Because I love you I tell to change I tell you that you are too fat I tell you that you need to starveI tell you that you will never, ever, be good enough,But it's only because I love you. Because I love you I make you lie Th
She was the child who shyed away from touch.
The child who hated eye contact.
She was a kid who'd perfected the art of
making excuses for school absences
and dodging questions.
Today I am trapped in echoing halls
filled with the smokey darkness.
Unable to see what good lies await.
I can't hear anything besides the calling
the voices of creatures and monsters
I am a canyon carved with water-worn cracks;The weight of other people always breaking my back.
How can you smile
knowing that peopl are dying
because they are sick of trying
to appease the critics,
to appease the man,
to appease the woman,
and those in command.
They are taking their lives
There are softballs in my mouthWhen I look at youEach thought is another home run right into my front teethIt's supposed to be easier to say these wordsBecause I'm a girlI'm supposed to be open with my emotions
Loast at sea,
thats what I am.
A little spec surrounded by swirling water,
barely staying afloat
in this storm.
I call out
and there is no answer
as sharks circle about my capsizing raft.
There are bulldozers on the moon
run by burly men.
They dig through the translucent flesh
pulling up marshmallows
and leaving pools of caked blood.
From down here they form a rabbit
Something I like to remember when I need to cheer up
Is that I was not a part of the plan
I wasn't thought to be possible
Frost invites my fingertips; it beckons my graspEach flake kisses my lids, and paints my lashes to frostMy palms are graced by the snow, a bliss without costI lift my lids, while each step is answered by the snow’s raspEach eye of ebon sueded is
I am alive.
I eat, I breathe, I sleep.
Constantly checking my phone,
Facebook notifications from an ex that doesn't deserve my time,
but I give it to him anyway,
cause' I am alive.
I will not start with once upon a time.
This is not past tense.
This is now.
Every day.
Every second. Every minute.
Looking in the looking glass,
I am a collection of the mistakes and dreams of those that I've loved
A mind that never stops moving, accompanied by a heart that feels every beat and every tear
A soul like mine is fortunate for love
I wake up to disaster. I go to be in loneliness. I spend the whole day in depression.
If you love me then say so, but I wont believe you anyways.
Fear.
A gentle breeze stings.
Failure whispers into your ears.
Hiding is the only peace.
Hiding stops the wind.
Stop.
Stop your hiding.
Rise to challenge the wind
The wind will blow back.
Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast. She's harassed by the forecast of the past. Demons disguised in the form of lovers Until she discovered their true colors. She was used and abused,
I don’t talk a lot At first And I hope that that’s okay But once I know your warmth And feel safe letting words escape When I know they and I don’t annoy you Then I’ll tell you
I am a puppetcontrolled by a soul that is who I wasI feel as creaky as an old wood,covered in skinsheets of tiger like skin with endless scars that screams sin
People in the room as calm as they like. Hiding in the corner anxiety spike. At anytime this horror can occur. Like a terrible dream that has to recur. Entering this hell while walking alone. Sanity melting like an ice cream cone. Tears signalling
Late at night is when you forget how to breathe
Your body freezes and you start taking in short little gasps of air
And it's like you are drowning except there's no water around you
you count the steps you take and hear the breaths you make. you're always aware of yourself and your surroundings. not because you want to avoid the stalkers the creeps or the killers in the jeeps.
I try, I really do
But it never seems enough
It plagues my mind, Day and night
The voice just won’t shut up.
I constantly want more
But at the same time, want less
My thoughts are racing but they only go in circles
They're coming for you
Turn the lights on and off 14 times
You're gonna get pregnant
Smoke another cigarette
They're coming for you
I am too much, too much.
Too quiet they say, too shy
(I'm obnoxious when I talk, it's better this way)
Too rebellious, they say, too passionate
(I'm just trying to find my way, never thought I'd reach 18)
As dawn encroaches, my mind groggily awakens as well as my body. My mind is the first onslaught of war I suffer? Do I want to get out of bed and to go to the gym? I've gained over 40 pounds... I really should. Second, is my body.
Once upon a time,
There was a princess who lived high in a tower.
Her hair blonde and long--a cut or trim, she never did have.
The prince was determined to save her, with his manly power.
I am fifteen years old and I think I own the world.
I have a boyfriend and he loves me.
He yells at me but that is okay, he loves me.
He shoves me but that is okay, he loves me.
Don't you feel the noose of night
slowly tightening around your thoughts.
Sufficating you slowly.
You hold a blade in your hand
slashing at the silence that hides it all...
the things you never said
Was there ever a place the storm had not been?
The storm shrouded everything.
The sea's azure peaks and emerald valleys
Always smothered by an array of greys.
I swallow the pills,
I chase them with the vodka given to me on my birthday 5 months ago.
The tears stop
Everything slows down
My heart begins to slow down
Today is the time for rain,
But it is not the only thing that fell.
Today is the day that it fell from heaven
And fell down to Earth.
As my body starts to shake,
I realize I might begin to hyperventilate.
Taking deep breathes, one by one,
I start to gain control again.
Overwhelmed and full of stress,
I begin to have anxiety attacks.
People say I'm not valid,
people say I should choose,
they don't understand though
I love people not genders.
People say I'm dramatic,
people say I'm just scared,
they don't understand though
I am 16 years old
I’m left handed
I hate my hyphenated last name
And I absolutely hate bananas
I still don’t know how to play video games either
** this poem serves as a voice for those that may struggle to express their depression/anxiety. fill in the blanks with the name of your choice.
The echoing halls are ringing
with the forgotten cries
comming from a raw throat.
Nobody will turn to look at her
as she cries for help,
dying on the inside.
Nobody will hear her
We know how this story goes, my friends-
The Witch, the tower, the Prince in the end-
Sometimes, a Dragon (just for a twist)
Perched tippity top, which is shrouded in mist-
A small bottle
A brush
Heavy paper
Covered in crevices
And teeth
Pressure
It takes pressure
Time creeps by like a spider.
Now,
we are now.
Be still, hold my hand.
We are now, and now is here.
Be here.
In this moment we have nothing else.
As the tears fall,
i fall.
One cut, two cuts, three cuts, four.
Knees weak, I'm laying on the floor.
Blood drips, to life come all my fears.
"Is it all over?" scream all my tears.
It seeps through the rug, bright red.
It’s fragile
Breakable
Something that shatters
Shatters with a touch
A word
A thought
Doubt
Self-doubt
It eats at it
Like a cat
Plays with its food
Like tiny voices
once upon a generation
in my tower
long locks
it mirrors my contempt
and my view is limited
i do not see anything more than lonely wood
but it is not lonely
that is only me
I am terrified
I shelter my heart with my hands
I am terrified
to hurt and to hurt another
I am terrified
I am numb
I am... numb
I am terrified
so please, please don't abandon me darling
i'm sorry i was the disappointment i'm sorry i could never figure my shit outi'm sorry i was such an embarrassment i'm sorry i can't fix myselfi'm sorry i'm the reason for your paini'm sorry i thought i matter i'm sorry i thought i could do someth
i may as well be a dead roseno one dares to water or revive just to throw out with this weeks disasters and garbage my thorns are fighting those who try to stop me but they aren't strong enough to keep me alive. they may protect me but they can ne
Like a little kid
When the lights go out
My soul is dark and scary
This there is no doubt
My brain wages a war it cannot face
The pounding of your fist at the door of my chest
Can no longer withstand what you tell it to
No matter the number of times you use your sultry words to beckon it to life
You told me once that you were fine
I told myself you were right, you’d never lie
I know now where i went wrong
Seeing you today was the reminder you are gone
I am not worried. I wonder if everything is going to be okay. I see what other people go through things I don't want to go through. I want everything to go how I want it. I am not worried.
These scars are not telling you
About some beautiful tragedy.
These scars say
I’m fucked up.
They scream
Hot and Cold
It hurts so bad
This quivering, squirming feeling
Deep in my gut
I almost can't stand it
A need - The Need-
To just make it stop
Make it stop
Make It Stop!
Today. Today I question myself
Who is in my life?
Who cares? and Who holds me back?
The answer awaits
You see, for me to ask that
I would need to understand myself
What do I want?
And I see him in someone's sideways smirk,
someone's endless brown eyes,
someone's smile when they laugh.
her foot never fully touched the ground,remaining half afloat in the air--stuck in the clouded mist of her anxious mind,she could not grasp the full weight of reality
I can't help but think of the moment
When my loved ones will be gone, it will be over
When I won't have a wall or cover
When I lose my final lover
Do you ever remember every negative thing someone has said about you?
Do you want to try and fix yourself for those people who can´t accept you?
I do.
At times, I do hate myself.
We are the jokersThe lonersThe invisible roamersThe insomniac dreamersAnd the at-risk soldiers
sitting here colder, shoulder to shoulder,
Always being told "you'll be better when you're older".
We are the jokersThe lonersThe invisible roamersThe insomniac dreamersAnd the at-risk soldiers
sitting here colder, shoulder to shoulder,
Always being told "you'll be better when you're older".
Nerves Racing.
Heart's Beating.
Why are they starring?
Is it my smile, my body, my hair?
Is it my personailty, Why should they care?
I just want to stop the stares...
Organized Ramblings
A collection of various poems by Kate Emrich
April 29, 2017
All you’ve had to eat for the past 2 days are your own fingernails Skinny girls hip bone wishes You want to be skinny Skinny means pretty Skinny means wanted Skinny means loved Skinny is only a fantasy for you, hoping, praying to lose that 20 poun
I’m sorry that I apologize constantly.
Ironic, right?
It drives my friends crazy
I ruin our fun with my apologies
My conscience tells me:
It is four o’clock in the morning
And I do not have to look at the glowing numbers beside me to know the time.
Every night, it is the same routine:
Close my eyes, try to sleep, and wake up even more exhausted.
I am an introvert
No I’m not a creepy psychopath
Who watches people from my upstairs bedroom window
I attend events
Sometimes
My bed has always played savior
as I sought refuge from my thoughts,
seeking asylum from my sanctioned brain,
I thought secrecy was my only option.
I thought a safe haven was where I dreamed
covered in dark sheets to hide the blood that I bleed.
The sad part is how easy it would be
to just give it all up.
To forget the work
to forget the dream
the sweat
the blood
the tears.
It is a matter of will they say
There are thingsSome people don't understandLike the struggleOf depressionAnd anxiety
It's different for everyone
How am I supposed to sleep
when my brain will not shut up?
How am I supposed to shut it up
when I don't even know what it is thinking?
So tell me anxiety what it is that you say,
We laugh and play in the rain
as it soaks through our clothe
each drop clinging to our skin
like the morning dew upon the grass.
We look up and smile at the ashened clouds
I sit here alone in the dark
staring out the window
counting fading stars
waiting.
Waiting for dreams that will never come true
Waitig for promises to be pursued
I constantly feel seasick
Because I'm inadvertently cautious,
Awaiting dangers that don't exist.
I go to bed early, feeling nauseous.
I'm sitting in the safety of solitude for now,
Heavy breathing
pounding heart
sweaty palms
shaky arms
A worried mind and no place to hide
When dawn arrives,
the sun will rise,
and the light will shine so bright,
trying to greet the fleeting night.
It leaks gold in most places,
and fills eery dark spaces,
Taking a deep breath and jumping off the ledge
or cutting my wrists with a straightedge
seemed to be the only way out
Thats just the way I saw it
Suicidal tendencies cured by a make believe afterlife
It is knowing you did everything
with what you had while still questioning
what more you could've done,
why you didn't try more,
how you could've done better,
when exactly you said or did the wrong thing.
Every morning when I wake, I have to fight a dragon
It is a fierce thing, that claws at me and pushes me down
Weighing me with thoughts on the coming day and what might go wrong
The excitement grows like a great inhale
Watching the glass ceiling’s break come to bear
Friends around me ensuring sense will prevail
Yet nothing comes to stop the hate in the air
Some days you are a puddle
barely rippling
in the steady breeze,
broken on the edges
where cracks took you away.
These times you will feel defeated,
Welcome to the carnival of life
Where brilliance shines, flashing lights
Where memories are our currencies
Where affection is shared like cotton candy
Where strength is measured in courage
Welcome to the carnival of life
Where brilliance shines, flashing lights
Where memories are our currencies
Where affection is shared like cotton candy
Where strength is measured in courage
Eighth grade: The first time I remember feeling
That attack of anxiety consume me
Making my heart freeze, my body tense, my mind frantic.
Like a storm it passed:
You call to me in the night,
A silent black monolith of blue light,
Looming in my waking thoughts and dreams,
Punching buttons and tapping strings,
The world I think is dull and grey,
I’m fed up with feeling like I’m failing
I’m fed up with shooting for the moon and landing in the mud
I'm fed up with the pictures, the size I’m supposed to be
Tell me a secret.
Tell me something no one else knows.
Tell me something no one else understands.
Tell me a secret.
Come here. Closer. Closer.
Do you wanna know a secret?
How beautiful it is
To live everyday breathing the warm/cold air of mother nature
I find it fascinating how we simply are living.
Look at those trees; so tall ,with many years
I have reached a point in my life where
I wake up most days feeling somewhere between “okay” and so goddamn happy
That I feel like a kid climbing a tree who has just reached a branch
I spent my years of sanity
On thought to be usefull things,
But now I find myself up to my neck in anxiety
So I follow every dream thats chased
I arrive at the scene.
A reported disorderly conduct, undeniably located inside of my brain.
'Surprised' is not a word to describe my reaction to find the two suspects.
Depression and Anxiety.
I'm with her and feel at ease
No
That's a lie
I want to write something to convince myself
That her is you
But it's not
If I kiss her I miss you
She’s only human and there’s nothing extraordinary about her,
Except the fact that she’s dead and nobody knows.
Lying in her grave she awakes every day,
One, two, three
let me lay in bed and count.
four, five, six
the mistakes I've made with you.
seven, eight, nine
I would take them all back.
ten, eleven, twelve
each one just as bad as the last.
before it was easy
the homework was less
the new place made me queasy
i developed stress
my grades were under
waking in the morning was a fight
my world was full of thunder
The phone is ringing, but the sound falls further and further awayMy mind is spinning, the words I hear each and every day:"Stop wasting your time, stop worrying so much"
My sad old friend
visits so often
and years ago she came to stay
We grew fond of the dark
inspired by tears
I'd grow anxious when she was away
My dark lovely friend
sits in my image
I hear her scream
I hear her tiny footsteps in the hallow way
Her shallow breathing quickening my heart
She is an empty shell of the person I knew
Her soft skin that used to soothe me is abused by her confusion
She is not me; I am not her. Her voice shakes when she speaks, her screams are unheard. I live life on the edge while she stays in bed, and only moving around when she’s trying to get out of her head. Her mind is her home, her heart is a stone, a
Tears are slowly accumulating
At the corner of my eye
I hold my stomach aching in pain
Each successive breath is slowly becoming too difficult to make
If last year
The dreaded 2016 that everyone treats as a beast, is a story
Then the beginning would be January
This poem, by that extension, is my rendition of this story
Darkness fills the world around me, trapping me within its confined space that seems never ending.
It tightens itself around me, putting pressure on my chest and compressing down until I feel my lungs on the brim of a burst.
I've been having nightmares about you after the sun leaves the sky,
Every. Single. Freaking. Night.
Telling myself that the info received is dry,
would be telling myself a lie: I repeat, my nightmares are not lies.
He was first there in the spring when I took a jump.
He watched my every move and kept me lined up.
He never did leave, no, he insisted on staying.
He stayed with me until it became intoxicating.
I'm done,
but
I want more,
though
I'm tired
and overworked
my eyes have got luggage and
my head has begun to hurt
I'm getting by on mania
I need to sleep, my brain is fried
My emotions are bottled up inside
I’ve gone too long, I can’t turn back
God, I wish it could all just fade to black
I want to forget
about all of my
doubts, worries, and fears
because then there
would be no distractions
from the
My soul has died again today
Yet since I haven’t shed a tear
Maybe it’s because I don’t pray
Yet I will laugh as well as fear
My soul is born again tonight
Dreams
Elusive, Incorporeal
Whispering, Twisting, Fleeting
Hopes, Fears, Friends, Family
Shaping, Teaching, Loving
Painful, Happy
Memories
The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself waffles with the waffle iron I convinced my mother to buy when I was
twelve, with a side of fruit I bought at a road side produce stand.
This year has been the same
more or less.
I told myself; 2016 was my year,
but that never happened.
It was the same as every year.
I'll tell you why
I have two best friends
A year ago today, I was living my life in fear.
I didn't know where I was going to go after high school,
And I didn't know what I was going to do.
As the seasons change so do I.
less and less do I feel the need to lie.
one year ago today.
I was letting the stress of life weigh.
Feeling like i needed to make the world happy.
I was left feeling crappy.
Heleena and Anxiety Take on 2016!
December 31st, 2015.
Time goes fast, almost too fast.
A new year a new me.
Exhalation is the flow,
Of my body, my mind, and my soul,
Of the respiratory current out,
Into the air about.
The deep breathes I take,
Will help calm the mistakes,
That I've only made in my mind.
Rambunctious, angsty,
How was I supposed to know-
They all left by the next year and I sat there fuming, loathing and yet-
I tipped a bottle in honor of my pride thinking. "It's fine, everyone does it don't be a-"
Water
Only clear
Loose and cascading over my body
I cannot breathe
I cannot speak
Cannot
Will not open my eyes
I am drowning
Voices collide
Suffocating me
I had a friend named Fear
He was present in any social situation I faced
He quickened the beat of my heart, saying it was out of love and grace
They ask me what's wrong ?
How come your so sad ?
but then I blow it off and deflect ..........
"oh its nothing " " really its nothing like that !
Then all of a sudden I'm left panicking SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE
I am courageous and hopefulI wonder if I will ever truly recoverI hear my ED and OCD thoughtsI see a possible future without recovery and that scares meI want recovery and freedomI am courageous and hopeful
I want to love you
I really do
But I am scared
Please understand why I hesitate
It is not because of you
It is because of me
Something like this is not easy
I stay when they go
She never liked the way her clothes fit on top of the skin that also never fit quite right. Her hands had always held things too tight and her feet could never run fast enough. She was either too much or too little for a demanding world.
I’m worn and withered from being this bird.
Of fire and ash, ash and fire.
Over and over, morning-born,
evening ebbing.
Waking up weary in the fluttering, frail flakes
burned paper, song, and skin.
The last time the leaves turned orange
I didn’t take notice
Because I was too busy being sad
And crying myself to sleep at night
And wondering why
At the back of one’s mind lies a pond
Whose smooth surface is pleasantly unperturbed
By the glittering schools of fish that flash
Beneath the crystalline blue waters.
Although there are times
I once was able to breathe
To see the world
To go outside and smile
Now I pray to stop
To close my eyes
And stay in my room and suffer
The healing is slow
But I try
“They’re talking about you.”
“You’re not good enough”
“They don’t really like you.”
“You’re going to fail.”
The shakes, the nerves, the trembles of absolute fear I feel in the tiny hands attached to me.
They control me. They make one motion that consumes my focus entirely.
I am drowning in a sea of my anxiety.
Brain constructs phrases and sentences
Sends the information to the gaping hole
It’s detailed and thorough
Black hole receives it and ruins it effectively
I started with a frown
My year already felt down
I was in a trap
Under wraps
I saw fear right in front of me
Every day it would come
To take my happiness away
I woke up on the the first of January, single, but what else was new?
Then I realized that 2016 was the last of a few;
years called high school that everyone loves to remember,
2016 was such a difficult yearI started with ache.My relationship wasn't doing well,And there was too much distanceSo we decided to break.
Last year, I thought I was getting smaller,
but, in 2017, I've been standing taller.
My friends and family have been there
when my anxiety has been too much to bear.
Anxiety has been there in the beginning,
Sorry for existing
I want to say
but I know you won't understand
you'll try to fix me with your words
"don't say that, you are worth everything"
the only kind of worth I have stings when I try to wear it
I wonder how many unsuspected,
blank expressions
I have filled;
in the background of a memory
held dear to a stranger
that I never gave my assent to.
A stranger alone I have traveled in glee
“yeah, I used to get panic attacks myself.” my ease surprises me. I’m relaxed, not like the calm before a storm when havoc is about to wreak. just calm. no storm.
I never thought something invisible
could run my every day.
Anxiety is like a water balloon,
it fills and fills until finally
it explodes
blurring your vision
drenching every part of you.
It’s been a long time coming
But we’re finally okay
We know we deserved this sooner
But we’ll take what we can get
But just as all the pieces seem to fall right into place
today is the day i learn acceptance
i learn to tame the ferocious beasts inside me
not by beating them into submission, or leaving them in cages
until i hope they starve or wither or grow old and die
Static:
all consuming,
never fading.
Like the buzz of cicadas,
never dissapating.
I inhale but the air never reaches my lungs.
Dread, despair, and stress: over-run.
You kiss my lips,
Floating pages in the wind,
Some words written on my skin.
Yes I was born into sin,
But where do I truly begin?
Maybe I lost myself in all the books,
Pages upon pages was all it took.
Drawing
Drawing myself
From the inside out
Sheltered by bone,
Veiled in
Cream colored Flesh,
My hand holds my pencil
Grabbing, clawing,
reaching, climbing,
running. struggling to get out, away,
free, from this monster
that is consuming you, hunting you, suffocating you.
Try on
My shoes and see
This made up life you claim
I lead. These fake monsters inside
My head.
I lie.
You say. They are
Chipped nails, relieved breaths
I let go of filing, and painting and repeating
Two years of ink, deep breathes
All for a sheet of paper, it hangs on my wall
New room, cold breaths
One step forward
Two steps back
Is this ever true
One move closer
Two backtracks
Creates new paths for you
One truth found
Two lies learned
Measuring your ability to fail
Failing to conquer your fears
Fears that consume you
You are breathless, speechless, lifeless
Lifeless for a lifetime
A small, quiet sadness found its way into my chest
I soon watched myself become even more depressed.
A companion to the sadness very soon came around
Anxiety covered my mouth and induced another breakdown.
I'm like a bird who tries to soar, but can't be able to fly anymore.
Fighter of this clan who needs to make a stand.
I struggle to break free, with a world of possibilities to admire from up close.
(Hi! In this piece of writing, I use the singular 'they' to refer to one person, the subject of the poem, who has anxiety. I did this to keep the person's gender neutral. If this is confusing to anyone, sorry!
Timid
Shy
Afraid
Anxiety.
Curious
Focused
Freedom
Anxiety.
As I grow and evolve, I am always left with one thing
Anxiety.
A year in the life of Sarah Smith
Sometimes I felt like a myth
Had a rough time starting out
Hitting the floor and blacking out
Living in a room of isolation
Contemplating my creation
My body is a metal cage, a stage name—
I call it ME.
Maybe I should call it THE THING TO BE CONTROLLED.
My body is a safety net, the one that I like falling into
Most of the time.
I wasn't meant to be beautifulI wasn't meant for the pleasing of your eyesor the stirring of your inner loveI am meant to set a fire beneath youto make you quake in your boots
Breathin’ in, I know I’m breathin’ in;Breathin out, I know I’m breathin’ out;I do not seek the doubt, I’m freedom bound;But the pain inside’s got me feelin’ down;Please give me the love of Jesus now;
As a child, I hated swimming.
I was always alone,
My small legs and arms seemingly paddling endlessly,
Muscles reaching a point of exhaustion,
And a feeling of emptiness growing inside me.
and i have anxiety terrors, you know, the ones that have you shooting upright at two in the morning because
oh shit, you said something that maybe your friend thought was rude?
a breath: in, out
again, faster
faster still, until they stop coming
release
a noise in my head
it rushes
like a tide, pulled by the moon
like blood, pumping through my veins
i want ideas to fall from every pore on my facei want my split ends to be riddled with quotesi want my broken nails covered in goldi want my cracked broken lips healed with cementi want my harsh voiced laced with silk
A blade seems friendly
It is anything but
A manipulating tool
And in my head it now haunts.
It once kicked away the Numbness
That stalked my daily life
And locked away Anxiety
I feel as though I’m trapped inside a box.
I try my hardest to beat down the walls,
But the ticking of clocks gets louder.
The overwhelming exhale as I awake from a nightmare, those endless encounters with the fear of isolation, only drives me to become a more compelling individual who's mind is yet to be freed from torment and confusion. 'Expect the unexpected' the c
The overwhelming exhale as I awake from a nightmare, those endless encounters with the fear of isolation, only drives me to become a more compelling individual who's mind is yet to be freed from torment and confusion. 'Expect the unexpected' the c
theres a man in my head
he made his own bed
he puts fear in my brain
and ice in my veins
he pulls me from the people i love most
and pushes me towards ones i hate most
When he came into my life
Everything changed like never before
I became someone I despised
I dressed differently
I stopped talking to the people around me
I even strayed away from my classes
That girl
you see that girl over there
the girl with the naive face
the one who trust everyword you say
Anxiety is a hypocrite,
the pain and worry illogical to reality.
The heaviness of the world overwhelms me,
but what is one supposed to do?
Of course its just an over reaction,
a dramatized consciousness.
The room reeked of the smell
Of my parent’s disownment,
Once again
I was back in crazy town.
They didn’t understand
We are all just trying to find out place in the world.
From being overtaken by demons,
To becoming free men,
We all share a moments of weaknesses.
The air feels thick and there’s a weight on my chest.
It’s getting harder to breath has seconds pass.
Not matter how hard I try,
I can’t seem to get the weight off.
I am now struggling to breathe.
I am overwhelmed at times
with a sudden wave of urgency.
A pressure builds up inside of me
and leaves me with only the racing thump
of my heartbeat and heaves of breath
from my crushed lungs.
You were there...
When the sun didn't shine,
And the rain fell like my tears.
When the nights were plaugued
Flooded with my fears.
When my anxiety ruled my life,
And living with depression was a fight.
I reached out to the sun, but he burned me
No matter how I approached, I was scorched.
The sun seemed to burn brighter each day for months
I wanted to be close, to feel the warmth
Write what you know, they say.
Write what you know. What do I know?
I don't know how to trust (you can thank my dad for that)
I don't know how to seperate dreams from reality
I should be exhausted
I am exhausted
Both physically and mentally
Physically, not so much
Mentally, too much
This world is filled with mental exhaust
I am one of them
Can rest cure this
Changed because of this
Stayed the same because of that
In the darkest place
Mental health eating me alive
My uncontrollable mind enjoying the taste of my tears
My aching heart yearning for love
Anxious mind,
Anxious heart,
Yearning to see
The World.
Always telling myself
Don't talk to them,
Don't say a word,
I’ve heard, my dear, that you aren’t okay.
I’ve heard you crying, I’ve heard you say:
“I give up, I tell you. I surrender my soul.”
But I promise you that one day, you will be whole.
Golden hair on brown skin--unPalatable.
Unfilled eyebrows, sparse as this country's humanity--indolEnt
Fierce disease causes cruel brusing on body--compLains she has bed bugs.
It’s a specific side.
The one with frayed edges where
Paper fibers are disrupted from the interwoven
Pattern of rules calculated to win points.
No one can see the perfect matrix.
recalling bad memories
is like unknowingly walking through a minefield
and suddenly you cant yield
so your mind flies
as your body stays behind
and you know before you see it
I know I can’t compete with the stars.
What there is to see in the stars is endless.
I see the constellations and am reminded of a structure I can’t maintain.
A year ago...
the thought brings me pain
it reminds me of who I was
selfish, lost, angry, sad.
Who was I?I was a shell of who I am
apathetic and blind to hope.
Then my love met me in the summer
Anyone who's been on a roller coaster can tell you,
there are ups and downs and loops and twists.
For the thrill-seekers, it's a rush but
for the fearful, the worst part is knowing that
i.
you're cold.
two cats on your lap. a dog at your side.
messages awaiting on your phone
it's not plugged in.
you aren't plugged in.
please be okay.
how are things going?
The ripples leave
spots across the water
disrupting
the flow of sequence.
Jags start to bloom
and the water sprays
farther
making it harder to
ever catch a breath.
How do u explain to someone you cant hangout . "anxiety bad today" wont come out the mouth
Laying in bed , not wanting to get off the couch
The pounding of the drum at the end of the percussion line resonates through the air.
The powerful vibrations tickle my skin when standing too close,
The steady bam, bam, bam echoes through the quiet room.
I'm a retreatist, someone that lives to run away.
Since I was a small boy I've been running as fast as these legs could take me
But when shit hit the fan all my hiding spaces faded away
It began with the eagerness of hope,
the longing, burning, raging need to reach
the unattainable—that gift which I
never thought I would call my own. There were
scars still, written across my arms like a
It’s always been terrifying to me…
What could possibly lie underneath the serene rapids of the Gulf of Napoli
Normally a peaceful town my family originated from.
You didn't know that when you met me,I was sad.You didn't know when you met me that I didn't know how sad I actually was.You didn't know that when you
A year ago today
The end of October
A happy girl stood on a scale and saw the number had dropped
Joy filled her!
Soon she had to buy all new jeans because all of hers were to big
Size 8! Isn't that great!
A year ago, I was scared.
I was always nervous, shaking, nothing could've compared
to the feelings I've felt every day, hour, minute,
emotions that always gave me a limit
on what I could do and maintain.
In one teardrop, you lose your sense of self.
In one teardrop, your heart left me a key.
In one teardrop, you take that picture off the shelf.
Trying to find who I am
Has never been more difficult;
With depression and anxiety,
Sexuality and gender
How will I ever figure it out?
I am the lust child of a rock and a sad place
They go by depression and self-destructive tendencies
They make loud love in the darkest crevices of my mind
My school life is getting hectic
My anxiety is overflowing
From microbiology to my nursing courses
My panic starts clearly showing
I think I’ve had enough
My stress has reached the max
You know the days aren't so bad when you can wake up without any struggle.And actually look decent.
I sit quietly in a desk working on my homework. Conversations are becoming ramp just like how my worries are increasing. Don't worry I tell myself. It's all good. You have it under control. More thoughts, more worries.
In this day in time it is hard to find a way to express your sorrow.
But in my mind; if you dance, you'll be fine; and all you dread will be gone tomorrow.
The struggle to put into wordsThe thoughts that run in my mind like a herd.Shall I speak of my life?Or a fictional lie?Wh
Trying to write what i feel
Putting emotions into words
Trying to explain these things
I dont even know what they are
When the words won’t come out
Happiness
Fake smiles
Fake laugh
Fake happy
Fake
Negative/Negative/Negative
No,
Nephews hugging me
Parents hugging me
Sisters hugging me
Friends hugging me
As a child, I endured extreme anxiety
once my adolescent body found itself
incarcerated by the unforgiving
darkness of the night.
If I am lost in a storm of doubts or a cloud of fear, call Lindsey.
If I cannot find the will to go on, get Maggie.
If I am in need of light or laughter, text Isabelle or Michelle.
Words, shuffling
Perfect ballet
Ribbons, ribbons, ribbons
Choreographed anarchy
Compressing thoughts into a tight tight ball
Until I can't tell what's what
What is what
What is what
Waves
You couldn't hear it at first
It slowly bubbles up from inside
It grows
The boisterous thunder rattling your bones
Only you can hear it
Faces that mean nothing stare back at you
You couldn't hear it at first
It slowly bubbles up from inside
It grows
The boisterous thunder rattling your bones
Only you can hear it
Faces that mean nothing stare back at you
I keep coming back to you
even after all the shit you've put me through
I try to stay away and guard myself
but I can't, and I won't
you're poisonous to my health
now things get worse
there are days i shake.
not like a leaf on a tree;
not like a nervous voice.
nothing like poetry.
there is no nostalgia in the way my body quivers.
Inhale.
Fingers tucked under the hem of my dress,
Heart echoing the clapping enveloping my ears
I want to disappear.
On Monday, she’s weary, teary, and unsure. She is sure that she’ll be able to fake a smile, but unsure if her friends and family will know it’s fake.
Don't believe the smiles you see plastered upon my faceThese smiles are empty smiles They hold no promiseThey hold no joyBehind the smiles there is painBehind the smiles there are tearsBehind the smiles there is a girl, a boy, or whatever I choose
Profile: Hello!
I enjoy literature, comic books,
And nerdy T.V. shows.
I like to swim, dance, hike, and draw.
My name is Ariel.
I can’t explain,
This level of pain.
I can’t stop crying,
It’s like I’m dying.
Everything is shaking, even my teeth,
The hardest thing to do is get up.
out of the hole, or on some peoples minds, out if bed.
When you sleep you have no worries, you can dream away; but reality is still there.
a chill slips up the cord of my spine
as unwanted thoughts roam the lining of my mind
hands fidget and legs shake
if i can't find control now, i might just break
i used to think this wasn't that bad
Deep,
Deep,
Blue.
Blue hands.
Blue lips.
Blue lungs.
Blue hearts.
Sinking down.
To the vast blue ocean
Of my stomach.
Strangled.
The girl who doesn't speak,
The boy who may seem meek,
The child with the brightest smile,
That only lasts for a little while,
Someday will will come clean,
Everything isn't what it seems,
The mind of a human…
Split in half
With creativity and logicIt interests me, so I zoom in,
10 days:No blade,no blood.
20 days:I'm tired,I'm sad,I want my blade.
30 days:I can't have my blade,I can't put a sharp object on my skin,am I finally clean?
There's a person sitting right behind me
And I can feel their eyes piercing through the back of my head
Looking at my scalp
The part with no hair
The part that I was pulling at for two hours last night
My hands are about
as cold and dead
as they can be
without actually being dead.
My hair is about
as long as can be
without actually being long.
My thighs are about
My hands are about
as cold and dead
as they can be
without actually being dead.
My hair is about
as long as can be
without actually being long.
My thighs are about
The reflection
wants me to die.
The reflection
wants me to starve.
The Reflection
wants to be loved.
The Reflection
wants to change.
The reflection
wants to be changed.
She came and went.
as if it were easy
for all of us
to stand back and
watch.
Faster, slower, stop.
the water continued
dripping
collecting
cascading towards
A dreary flower wilts away
when the water and sun have gone.
Depression sets in and attempts to stay.
From internal thoughts does it spawn.
This is our wrestling mat.
It isn’t much to see.
Sort of furrowed yet flat.
The number of soles it has held has given it a soul.
It was what nobody suspect,
And denial begins,
Because how could a girl like me
Who has everything
Fall into this pit of darkness?
Is it really my fault
That I may be depressed?
The week has just started
And I'm drowning in a flood
Of papers and anxiety
In homework and insomnia.
The halls are much too crowded,
There is no spaces in the rooms,
My head is over crowded
I miss the cloudy days
When the sky was nice and grey,
A sad smile upon my face.
What happened to the rain?
The sky has been to bright,
With the warm sunshine
Glowing upon the smiling faces
Have I ever wished
to dive into a ravine?
I would have said no.
I'm forced to say yes.
What were once my sweetest dreams
crash upon the rocks.
Drain the mania;
My heart is best decribed
as being a bird in a bottle,
with fleeting wings beating
against glass lungs.
It sits on the border
of yesterday's panic
and tomorrow's desperation,
I wish i could show you,
What this really means,
I wish I could tell you,
How I really feel,
I wish you would listen,
But my voice is too small to hear.
I want to raise my voice,
The demons live,
They live inside me.
They tell me not to eat,
They tell me to cut.
They tell me I'm not good enough,
They tell me nobody cares.
And I can't escape them,
'Calm down.''You're fine.''What's wrong?''Will you please talk?''I want to understand what your anxiety is about.''How's it feel?'
Zero. The age when life is simple.
Life in the moment, past and present, absent.
Time is a concept yet to be discovered,
Numbers possess no value.
Smiles and laughter fill the days,
I was eight years old when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I said, I want to be a singer. I want to be pretty, I want to be popular.
I'm shaken, I'm shaking
but not from the thunder
pretty soon then, my heart booms
but not from the lightning
The weather outside is nothing compared
to the way I feel when anxious, hyper, and scared
If I were.
If I were weak,
I wouldve given up by now,
Surrendered to drugs, illness, demons, devil.
If I were them,
I would've run.
Surely I'm beyond, understanding now,
my core, it bubbles.
the fire is intensifying,
the heat is unsatisfying.
water boils in my chest,
and my mind with its thoughts
My thoughts are poisonously hot
They rise to my mind
Building pressure
Leaving my chest tight and empty
No air
Others will try
To breathe back life into my veins
But it all rises back
I am just a traveler in want of a little rest
I had been blending through a city of the oppressed
Dimming me down to the filthy ground
Screaming at me, they surround
The watchmaker is not personally fond of watches, in fact he loses track of what time it is quite often. He has nothing against clocks mind you, he just does not particularly enjoy them, they're just clocks.
I live in a bright world
where everything is bright
but
it's so bright that it hurts my eyes.
I want to live in darkness
where the light will never reach me.
Yet I am scared of the dark creatures
Chest hurting
mind burning
the feeling
the yerning
I cant breathe
I cant think
heart racing
chest aching
mind blanking
hopes fading
I walk up
I step up
Silence.
Violence.
Idelness.
Trying to hide;
to hide what I feel.
Its too easy to lie.
She'll eventually break.
They will finally all know
that her smile is fake.
It's too bad I'm not a mas-o-chisttie me down like i asked-for-this
I'm screamingI'm strandedAbdicatedAbandoned
No. Free. Will.
Salt is an accessory, not to be consumed aloneBut, salt is bitterShrewd white crystals that should be used in moderationBut I ate too muchClumps grasp at the walls of my throat
When Depression took control,
Its first mate Anxiety at its right hand,
Nothing could be done.
Years had spun by,
Logic as my guide,
Emotion an alien concept.
i was 18 when i learned to spiral out of control, when i learned what a car crash felt like and how it hurt to hit rock bottom and not want to get back up. i was eighteen when depression hit like a freight train, when i lashed out at love and lear
What sweet relief
Found only under
The sweet ministrations
Of razor’s edge,
Noose’s end and
Pill bottle bottom.
Poetry found me by my bedside table,
heart contained within a dimly lit mind,
I could not find the light switch.
Poetry found a foolish girl,
one with storybook hands,
As day turns into night,I start to lose my might,And even though I try,That doesn't mean I like to lie.
I'll always still fall,And I'll never stand tall.These words may hurt,As if I fell in the dirt.
Today I woke up
Thoughts pass through my head
thinking thoughts I had been thinking of being dead
I am not dead, I am alive
But this does not settle a broken mind
Sleep tugs me, these days, at so many moments
Into its soft embrace.
I remember when I was young, I would fight it
Worried about wading through life
Slow and dreamlike
Brick by brick, all in place
I pave the roads, through time and space
I know not where, my feet will fall
Yet still I try, to pave them all
Till I have spent, all my days
Paving roads, going different ways
What is worse than breaking a promise,
One you made to a friend?
Breaking the one you made to yourself.
I made myself a promise long ago,
When the world seemed open
That I would be okay.
Smokey room filled with chills,
Empty bottles, and pills.
Today's fears are tomorrows tears.
She feels Euronymous creep in,
As he shatters every seam.
Today she is seen but tomorrow dreamed.
The statement "it looks good on college applications" is hammered into me
until it becomes a branding, programmed into my brain cells
I can’t breathe
I can’t see
Feeling so lost
No light to guide me
I have fallen
Fallen deeper into the grave
I can’t escape
From this pain
You can take my wings
It's dark. /I cannot rest. / No longer can I weep. / With eyes too dry and mind too weak. / My heart pumps fast, / I want to cry. / Anxiety attacks, no telling why. / Exhausting depression creeps in with the sun.
It should just roll off the tongue, right?
It should jsut come natural.
But not always. Almost never.
It likes to get stuck between your teeth,
Or roll over once, twice, three times more.
Not a word they saidUnspoken words hung aboutPain inside but smiling withoutShe said goodnightAnd away she wentHe asked her to stayTo explain why she leftBut inside she was simply falling apartFeeling nothing is not what they sayNothing is so much
Questions/Anxiety.
It flows through my veins like venom;
Pouring out like the tears of a waterfall.
Help!
Help me find my answers.
Help me I’m lost.
My own words have been stuck
Between esophagus and windpipe too many times before
Leading to glassed over eyes and lost attentions
You have to understand these knots of fragmented declarations choke me.
Outside,
Pristine
Joyful laughter and witty comments are her body
hair shines with intelligence,
sole thick with confidence.
She knows her world and the one before her
I feel so detached, watching the scene happening
How could these blue scrubs be mine? This wristband?
I feel so detached, watching the scene happening
How could these blue scrubs be mine? This wristband?
Meeting new people makes me anxious.
My hands fidget,
My eyes sweat.
Wait switch that around!
My thoughts aren’t straight,
Neither is my back.
My thoughts aren’t straight.
I already said that…
A small, meek girl with brown eyes and braids
Expressing her creativity through words on a page
Teachers commented, "quite ambitious for the second grade"
She simply released frustations with writing rather than rage
I stopped looking for monsters under the bedWhen I came to see they lived in my headWhoever tells of a monster that hidesNever had one to abide besideOh, full of scorpions is my mind
Fear, overwhelming pain
God, I can't believe I'm experiencing these emotions, am I even sane?
Happiness becomes a drug, you're left for dead with a single tug
I’m no prodigious poet.
In fact I’m quite the odd bird,
I’m always delving deeper
into ideas others find absurd.
As my father crossed oceans
I fell onto my knees;
anxiety and depression:
I became a poet when I was born
I became an artist when I died
Putting ink to the paper
helped me feel what was inside
As a babe I saw everything around me
I'd lose sleep so as not to miss a thing
For years and years and years I thought,
“Oh, I just can’t wait ‘til I’m grown up!”
“I’ll go wherever I want and do as I please.
I am 14 and I am sinking to the bathroom floor for the third time this week.
I read all the instructions,
Filled out all the forms,
But still I have fallen behind.
I never speak up in class,
Her skin: soft as the edge of her sword
And her hair: carved from the volcanic ashes.
Her heart: away from advancing toward
His hardline lips; and her faint eyelashes:
Disguising keys to his grave, shallow as--
"The brighter the shadow the darker the light I try to cover it up with the viceIs that giving up the fight Bait from the or maybe gift from christ Either way I won't take a bite
You want a perfect poem. With a beginning, middle, and end.A perfect little thing that makes you feel fantastic with a good ending.Of nature, that makes you see the light of things that can't be seen.That is not this poem. Beginning.
I made this bed
Here for two
I wait an hour
I can't move
I want him here
He said he'd try
I know he is
I can't cry
Its not fair
He's so great
In the abyss
a crevice of black
I curl my neck
ready to attack
With inked rapiers
in my claws
I slash and stab
hoping for renewal
Half awake
my sore back sprouts
Do you see me?
Do you feel me?
Can you feel the pain, the ache inside of me?
'Cause I'm alone fearful to hope.
Terrified I'll drown and no one will be home.
So I just wander inside my head,
35 mph.
Why am I here.
42 mph.
I am nothing.
57 mph.
Everyone would be happier. I’m a miserable person.
64 mph.
I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t anymore.
I can't tell if the war between
acceptance and fear is raging
around me or inside of me.
Cries for peace surpass my lips, but
my voice isn't loud enough.
With so much to say,
I’m having a panic attack, help.
My chest heaves, and I can’t quite breathe.
Help, please, I plead.
Silently I wait for my negative thoughts to disappear.
Anxiety and me
Go hand in hand with my sexuality and me
I am not straight
And I am not gay
I am somewhere in the in-between
I drove through shaded green canopies
To the boundary of land and water,
And as I tiptoed across crumbled rock
Careful
Not to fill my shoes with grain,
The sour smell that lingered
Between sand and sky
I walk down the empty road as a single car glides past
I keep my head down as to avoid eye contact
I wonder if they saw my eyes, how they are filled with fear.
Not many people understand what the problem is here.
5 A.M.
The alarm clock goes off
like a fire alarm
waking me from my dream state.
I stumble through the labyrinth
gathering my stuff and getting dressed.
When it rains it pours they say,
So go and find your zen;
Even if for a moments time,
Peace will reign again.
He stares at his ceiling
It's half past four
It's paranoia he's feeling
He looks at his door
No one will come
Yet, he still tries to run
Away from his demons
They scare him a ton
With stress of home
Rain clouds formed;
My head became a thunderstorm.
All these mantras,
Words,
Beliefs,
Filled my head
Like popping corn.
Until one day,
The top flew off,
Gazing at the sad sorrowed remains
of what once was a person.
Now finding beauty in destruction
theres no chance of being saved.
Ink starting to flow out
like the tears that burned my face
I wish I was a bird.I could fly far away and never come back.I would finally be happy, and this depression I have I would finally lack.I would soar higher than any bird has before.
I wish I was a bird.I could fly far away and never come back.I would finally be happy, and this depression I have I would finally lack.I would soar higher than any bird has before.
I’m picking puzzle pieces to preach the perfect purpose of why I’m trying to whittle and woo
These wondrous words Into an artwork,
It pounds through
My bloodstream
Paralyzing
And choking
I can't see
Anymore
What's important
It sits in the back
Waiting for me
To notice
But I'm stuck
At the front
It's one AM, and here I am. Nearly crying myself asleep again. But life goes on, and the tears will dry. But inside my heart, it feels necessary to cry. The darkness of night scares me. Nothing's inside of it, I'm just scared of what could be.
People are always getting ready for tomorrow,
But tomorrow never gets ready for them.
In fact, it doesn't even know they are there.
They choose and anxiety -
Or rather,
An anxiety chooses them -
Anxiety
was diagnosed to him.
Bipolar
was diagnosed to her.
If he takes his meds,
he will be alright.
If she takes a couple more,
she won't make it tonight.
Anxiety is crippling
Shaking, gasping, the world seems to spin
The smallest things trigger it
Do you know how long it's been?
since I've actually had a calm
Knees weak, eyes tearing
Being free from my thoughts is something I've found impossible to do.
I feel as if my mind is caged like the animals at the zoo.
I want to be able to conquer my hindering fear, but the demons in my head are incredibly near.
The clock ticks slowly
Yet fast and maliciously
Time is running out
No time to flee
Heart hammering
Breath quickening
Bones paralyzed
Quaking with fear
In shoes that are
We are all bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding it.
We pull up our hoods and hide away. You don't even look our way.
While you see headphones, we hear the music.
1. Strip down to nothing in your bathroom. Avoid looking into the mirror. Remember everything you’re feeling isn’t real, this is all just some messed up dream you’re living don’t let the dream mess you up too
It was nice seeing you today, and yesterday, and on my birthday, basically I see you all the time. Do I enjoy when you show up?, No. I absolutely hate you. I cannot be myself when you are around.
There is this deep, evasive emptinessthat never ceases to lack control.That conquers and escapes,that stirs quiet chaos in my soul.
Sometimes
the darkness overwhelms me,
constricting my lungs
until I forget what it's like to breathe deeply. Sometimes
the darkness consumes me,
eating away at my happiness
I wonder...
At what point
did I start worrying about my looks;
hating how my body doesn't fit me,
and finding all the small,
horrible details?
At what point
The Fallen Angel is Dying-- The pain comes in strides
Chained down to Earth, left alone; tortured by her other side
Her wings--they droop to shame, as sound stops and begins
They don't know about it.
The anxiety I face.
When I have to go to a place,
Where I know little to no people.
From working at the restaurant,
To a party at my friend's place.
You and I were like fire and gasoline,
each time we saw each other, you inflamed me
my mind, my soul, my heart was alive
but then the depression hit me and I was just trying to survive.
addicted to zoning out
but still learning about growing out
my mind is always filled with doubt
as I drop the ashes into the grout
I wonder why I'm a social drought
Not to rain on your parade
But I’m not the fragile crybaby you think I am.
You see,
Suicidal thoughts weight a ton
I trek through concrete jungles
With 500 pounds of loneliness on my backpack,
On my own little island, there is little means of escape
I sit alone, on my nearly treeless home in the middle of a delta
My only neighbor, hardly acknowledges that I am even there
How many people know
What it feels like
To have anxiety
How many know
What a panic attack
Feels like
To be unable
To communicate
To freeze up in public
To find an escape route
I screamed
my hands automatically went to my ears
I hated the noise
I still don't understand why I scream
my chest trapped the air
i was hyperventilating
tears streamed down my face
when i wake upthe first thing i do is think of youi pick up my phone, and send a texthopefully my words tighten your chestnext, i set it downput both of my hands on this guilty crown
As the room gets smaller
And the voices get louder
I remind myself to breath
Death is the only thing that is permanent
Say it with me: Bed, Mirror, dresser, carpet, blanket
Once more, darling ground yourself
Tears falling by nite
Smiles rising by day
Wanting to express yourself, but not really knowing the way
Glass shattered, pain misunderstood
People telling you to change, because change is good
Shadows put words in my brain
That I can barely fathom
Running back and forth
At the speed of light and
I'm trying with all my might
Because
I'm on this ledge
But I'm afraid to jump
When I'm in my bed, thoughts swirl through my head
Like ice cream on a summer day
I think of my day then
And how it could've been
Could've been better
Six panic attacks today
When you ask me,
"Are you okay?"
I want to say no,
I want to say that I'm breaking inside,
That I'm a shattered piece of this human being I used to be,
I promise to write every day,
Even if it’s only a sentence
Or a short paragraph
That kinda sucks
And sounds like I was drunk
There comes a time
when your body forfeits the game
and your heart reaches the limit of pain
While your soul shrivels up in shame.
A white cloak wraps around me
I’m not cold, not on the outside
I pull it closer still
Maybe I can stop the cold
I see you walk away
He draws with silver
And it comes out red
Neat
Clean lines
Cover most of his body
He tries to go deeper
Fear of failure
Fear, something everything is born with
It can’t be washed away or forgotten
Whether it be a child’s fear of monsters in the dark
Sending a puppy off to be someone's eyes.
Fighting depression and anxiety.
Making my way through a world with few allies.
Feeling like an outsider to society.
A way to express the feelings inside,
I am a tight rope walkerarms out, muscles tense, fighting gravitycrowds gather to watch my fall
I am a ship in a bottle trapped behind a wall of glassyearning for a sea I was not made for
What if I forgot to turn off my cars headlights,
What if I forgot that I've checked 3 times this night?
What if college is going to bury me in a grave of debt,
Head, shoulders, knees and toes knees and
Head is filled with very foreign thoughts
Shoulders lifted by the harsh anxiety I’ve somehow forgot
My life is a sea of anxiety
I feel like I'm drowning
I need help, reciprocate me
I’m falling apart at the seem
And I only have me to blame
I'll express this today
That beauty in the world comes to me seemingly so quickly
At least until I feel like everyone in the possible known universe is ticked at me
I'll express this today
It's like an earthquake.
The world shifts around you,
Shaking your heart, shaking your mind,
Shaking your control until it crumbles away
Leaving you both helpless and defenseless,
This is for the kids who walk in the hallways with thier eyes cast towards the floor
This is for the kids who play alone on the playground during recess, kicking the wood chips beneath your sneakers, waiting for that bell to ring
I don’t like to drink coffee, it intensifies my anxiety
or maybe it makes me more aware;
to uncover when i thought i was already bare.
got to fill my schedule up wth tasks;
can’t have time to simply sit.
Silence bothers me the most
Because it's the amplifier that DeeDee chose
No one's around to know
So DeeDee convinces me I'm alone
She says I'm pathetic
Insignificant, worthless
I love my friends. They're always there for me when I need them, A fucking lie; they're useless, terribly frivolous rats, who never stop to consider--
It nibbles quietlyon comforton truston sanity
It chomps loudlywhen nobody's aroundwhen nobody'll helpwhen nobody'll see
The trees--they quiver with life.Yes, all around me,They shake with strife.Their bones, bare of bark,They're stark white cast in dark.Sister stars shoot to earth,Little pricks of light plunging-
Trapped in a box
I am or am not
Both alive and suffocating
Dancing with daydreams
Stitch me up
Rip me up
Use your own digression
Eighteen and newly risen
Faced with nightmare laced regression
A word was never uttered from your mouth
But apologies was spoken from mine
A group of friends hung around you all the time
While I had no one to confort me when I cried
You stole my heart
Should've been born a tap-dancer
Maybe that would justify the way
My foot beats incessantly at any solid surface
But that wouldn't explain my hands
Fingers fumbling around themselves
Eyes wide open.
Mouth closed shut
Hands clinched in fists, like the one in my gut.
Whole body shivers.
Nerves too much
I guess this time I'm shit out of luck.
Air forbidden entrance.
I grew up, expected to be an adult I went through rocks and stabs I know we all fought People watched as if I was a cast No one gave me a hand we all grew up we all went through the wet sand growing with all of my lumps and dumps No one can se
Art lets me release my pent-up feelings,
Lets me take out my frustrations,
Lets me escape my malicious thoughts.
I need expression to clear my mind.
No other thing could replace the effects that
Beloved architect
Lifter of sorrows
I cling to you as darkness falls over me
Visionless unrest arises as fear echoes vehemently
But you are not shaken
My heart beats fiercely and my body fails me
GunshotsWho could it be?I picture a student in ill-fitting clothing and unwashed hair.What kind of rifle? Is this how I'll die?What will I say when I beg for my life? I stop breathing. Eyes are frantic My heart sinks like lose change.I Imagine all
All I need is myself
For in me there is strength
Hidden talents
But as an open book I feed my flaws
I’m caught in an internal whirlwind,
no escape in sight.
Despair and doubt’s heavy blows bruise my skin,
sharp knife stabs of panic and fear cut deep.
Reality and my mind’s deceptions blur.
Today…
I'm Smiling.
I am happy because I'm surrounded by people who love me.
Today…
I'm strong.
I feel like I can actually make a difference in this world.
Today…
I feel accepted.
The voice in my head never stopsDay in and day outIt repeats what I’ve done wrongI can’t get through a day without regretting my pastMy head hurts more than my heart ever didMy heart was broken but I found a glue stickBut my mind is a tool that gl
I hate how the word hopeimpersonates a pleasant state of being
How it whispers wishful whimpers
Soft promises to keep my heart beating
As if I need to hold on
I am sitting in this house, as alone as I could possibly be at the moment.
Trying, no, scraping my brain to think of what could possibly be my number one need.
Crisp, white pages fluttering in the wind
Calling out to me
To write.
I am my words.
My ideas.
And my journal stores them all.
It is my companion,
My ally.
Without it, I would be stranded
Loneliness lusts for souls like mine
Hopefulness hides in souls like yours
I am weathered and withered, weary and worn
My soul's the night, but yours is the morn.
To those with anxiety and those who do not,Let me tell you why fear no longer dictates my thoughts. My mind's been in a box, it's a comfortable place,It's got movies and posters and books on display.Like a cathedral this place is my sanctuary.Lik
My mind's been in a box, it's a comfortable place,It's got movies and posters and books on display.Like a cathedral this place is my sanctuary,Like a bunker this place is my fortress. When trouble rises I jump inside And say "no, no world I'll sta
You're not there,
I can't see you,
Yet you're all around me.
You have me pinned against the wall.
You're whispering in my ear, "You're so incompetent"
Slowly depriving me of my ability to breath
I know where the forks are in many houses
I know which light switch brightens what room
I could tell you how many stairs on each staircase
But I couldn't tell you which I'd choose
Frigid, icy shudders
Heart so close to dead
Yet with her hand my chest it beats
Warm skin against frostbitten lips
A summer kiss to dull my winter sorrow
Her laugh could make the flowers bloom and birds sing
There are days in which my forearm remembers stories that I made up,
That haunt me and forebode potential illusions.
I remember days in which there were many of these days within a day.
I need to breathe but there isn't any air,
I need to clear my head
but I also like my memories and don't wanna forget
I need to sleep but if I close my eyes
He is talkative
I am quiet
He is brave
I am a coward
He is calm
I am anxious.
He is my rock
I am not myself without Him
He is my helper
How could anyone love her?
A single moment in time, her head is tilted back in laughter
Used to disguise the moments later where the tears are from something more fragile.
One moment you're fine
Then all the sudden
It hits you
Heart pounding
Palms sweating
Its hard to breathe
Everyone is asleep
I need to calm down
what can I do?
writing about Death without beingunoriginaland depressing ishard. for
In time’s pleasant age of anticipation
I find myself wearying without aspiration
To sorrows seeping with grave desperation,
Wondering how to escape this mounting frustration.
Though happiness is very close,
happiness is hard to find,
real, true happiness.
Everyone deserves happiness.
I had to start taking risks
without worrying about the consequences,
They say there's always a silver lining. Always a new day, That there's always a light waiting at the end of the tunnel. Well my lightHas burnt out. SizzledCrackledAnd flickered out.Like those sad faulty Christmas lights dangling off the tree.But
Many misty mornings I CAST into the deep sea my net,
Thinking...perhaps, that ALL my efforts might pay my debt.
I turn your words over in my head
Like I slowly turn the pages of an interesting book.
I hold them delicately in my thoughts
As if the word fragile were an understatement
To me this is utterly fascinating
He pours scalding water
over your wounds
boiling you from the outside in.
His words are poison soap
grating off layers of the world
It's like sitting in your room late at night--
a comfortable, accepting, gentle place but there's no one there but you. Only you
sitting alone in the dark. It's not frightening, there aren't any nightmares;
Distract
without one, I
would be alone with my
thoughts- tearing my mind to
pieces.
if the sand was silk
would you still step over it?
if the rocks were gems
would you pick them up?
or would you
still step over it?
it become harder to live
or more likely so
He walks like he has some place to be,
hurried footsteps resounding through the empty hallways.
He keeps his head down, watches his feet, as if that will save him from stumbling.
Before you date somebody with amental illness, you must rememberthat calling them beautiful willnot adjust their brain's chemicallevels. Sweet words do not reversesickness that plagues the mind
StrandedBehind the miles of oceanSand piled up like hoursAnd dark just dark: Empty.Just water, andSand, andDark, and Me.And I needHow I needI need Air
They found his diary under the bed.
“Just days too late,” the agent said.
Tales of sorrow, woe, and despair
“This shouldn’t have happened; it’s really not fair”
**I had to seriously sit down and write what I felt, I'm sorry . I love going back to my emotions maybe I'll feel the same way before and read this. Maybe I'll smile and maybe I'll cry but I know I needed this outlet**
Late night woken, barely alive.
struggling to see the light through other's eyes.
covered in darkness, covered to the core.
try to show people me, but they don't see the sores.
In the lonely darknessStands a kind, but hurt orphanShe goes by the name, LaurenHiding her tears with smilesWhile looking up at the night skyNoticing its the only beautiful thing...In her life
Hide the scars draw a heart on your armtake a pictureadd a filterkiss her scars "stay strong, love"
My mind is such a mess.
I wish I could explain.
Am I happy or am I upset?
It's hard to tell with such pain.
Should I even care?
Because at times things aren't fair.
I could feel the change.
Yeah, I was sad when Robin Williams died
I sat there and watched as my whole family cried
But what got me was the outrage that came from his suicide
Yet, nobody cared this much when Lelah Alcorn died
We wake up every morning because they tell us to.
Throwing on clothes as they see fit.
We wake up every morning because they tell us to.
Going to schools they see as fit.
Writing by the light of a door cracked open is the most honest one can get with oneself.
Especially when that door leads to the hallway of a psychiatric hospital.
I guess you could say that I have a lot of friends
I've never met a stranger and
My friendships have no end and
I say that not to brag but to say they don't depend
why do I keep trying,
why do you want me fighting.
I am stressed
with myself.
Why do you want me here?
are you really in fear?
Blink
The worst things happen when
All I can see is the back of my eyelids
Blink
But blink fast or you'll miss everything
But how would you know? You're eyes are closed
Restless days have accumulated from the regression of my knees.
Parasites are sinking in, remembering the days I turned away from you.
This mistake devastated your heart, but God the heart is elastic.
My Depression and my Anxiety are in an epic love affair.
They do majestic flamenco dances filled with passion,
as they run into the other, with the intention of killing,
I remember the last night I spent in the hospital
Sitting on my windowsill like I was on top of the world,
When really the world was on top of me
And yet, I couldn’t cry
A REDEFINED TREASURE
I was named after an ocean grace
But I have been drowning in my own outrage.
I am being eaten alive by life
as my thoughts squirm down my neck.
It consumes all my thoughtsTakes over my bodily functionsIt's overpoweringRuling with society's corruptionsThe darkness devouring
The feeling of walking to a wall We’ve been through this a billion times,Yet you still don’t “get it,”The luxury of observing meLike a rich politician at the Freak ShowA privilege I didn’t inherit.Apathy cannot be found in my DNAThough it
someone asks me how we survive
day by day, night by night?
i want to tell them that we don’t
but the words taste like falsehoods on my lips
because the truth is,
we do survive.
but we do not do it alone.
The children are dyingand their mothers are crying.The kid took a bullet through his headright over his bed becausehe dreaded waking upto go to school in the morning.The teachers are scorning the kids
Anxiety.
One of the many things,
That can drive me insane.
Consistently waiting for something,
Or in my case,
Someone.
What is there to say when the world's gone astray?
What's there to fight when the government leans right?
What reason to cry when all rivers run dry?
What's worth the pain once I've gone insane?
It's worth the love
Don't give up, it get's better.
Don't let those eyes get any wetter.
Don't beat yourself up or tear yourself down.
Don't give the world its saddest sound.
Don't let your mind lose itself.
My greatest weakness is fear.
But it's not just any fear, it's a disease.
It creeps and crawls onto every decision.
It beats me down into indecisiveness.
They always say its more fish in the sea
but what about the fish that starts with an m and ends with an e..
What about the one thats always in the deep end, so far from the light yet still acts as though things are alright..
Wake up.
Hold your breath.
Listen.
While you hear the hollers and screams coming from down the hall,
You sneak out of bed, hoping not to be heard.
I’m not saying I need a prescription
But I’ve made multiply Attempts of self-inflections, and ignoring all of life’s safety restrictions
at 4:07 she ponders thatshe can captureneither stranger nor familiar,neither body nor mind,neither meaning nor aesthetic--
she, instead, is the conquered--
All alone on an island
no one here to see
yet there is approval
I still need
my ultimate weakness that cripples me
is my never-ending anxiety
to be approved
in this corrupt society
Today, I will enjoy it.I will enjoy my coffee.I won't think about everything that bothers me,Or troubles me.I will enjoy sitting on my bed,Waiting for the flood of light to enter the room.
A lot of what people "need"Is a person,That's love;Is an item,That's greed;Neither are for me.I don't "need" anyone,I don't need any single item.What I need is much simpler.All I need
What I can't live without?
Hope.
It seems so quintessential,
but it keeps the sharp edges of my mind gentle.
Without it I wouldn't be here,
becase 3AM anxiety isn't so sincere.
Continue.....
Continue to live
Continue to process
I dont remember how this began
When did I go wrong?
When did I decide my bed is where I chose to stay safe?
In a time of desprate need
In a time of sadness and despair
In a time, when I felt lonley, as if no one was there
In a time when I had anxiety, having nothing but insecurity to spare
She runs away to hide
nobody giving her a second glance
so no one sees her cry
why can't they give her another chance
Broken girl all alone
locked away in her room
putting on her headphones
It has conditioned me to fear
To fear everything life has to offer
To see the bad side of every situation
To doubt even the simplest acts of kindness
This monster has created a shell of a person
I don't remember what it's like to feel safe in my own skinI don't remember what it's like to wake up without my heart beating as if hummingbirds are trapped within my chest
Little Things
They say that’s what it’s all about.
Perhaps even the things you can’t live without.
That little thing holds back all the little ticks in my head that are coming out, oh god
On a painfully thin edge,
and trying desperately not to fall.
Constantly swaying, constantly breaking, and rebuilding, and reconvincing that just jumping isn’t the right thing.
i will never know how to breathe without pain
there will always rest a parasite in the wrinkles of my brain
speaking in code to my uterus and to my esophagus,
this "being human"? i'm bad at this
Am I
I am ADHD
I am Anxiety
I am Depression
I am the product of all
the hells I encounter.
There is a monster in them
I morph into the monster.
I become
ADHD
As summer rises
on a winter's blow
I see a dead man's journey
far below
for who could tell
when my brain bunched
right when the time
suddenly crunched
Or perhaps after
Alone in a dark room
nothing to come home to
she's trying to figure out why
Her light rises with the sun
then sets when the day's done
no matter how hard she'll try
1
2
3
4
5
6
at 6 I learned that marriage can't end well and that families can't be happy
7
at 7 I knew things that I shouldn't have. 7 I wrote stories about death and sex and murder.
You have no idea how badly i hurt, how much pain i endure when my anxieties and fears pulse through my blood…
How easy it seems to just let them out, it only costs an inch of flesh…
i honestly dont know what you expected
this isnt a poem
you want to know how much i want attention?
yeah
me too.
tick tock.
tick tock.
you’re running out of time.
you’re going to be too late.
tick tock
tick tock
Society.
Supposed being.
Supposed way.
Action.
Expectation,
Contemplation,
Judgement,
Wall.
There’s no glamour in it.
No flashing lights
lighting up the reflection in the tears
of her eyes.
Just purple circles
from sleepless nights
Stress is a failure to comply with opinions and due dates.
Stress forces procrastination.
Stress brings even the strongest to their knees in times of need.
Stress is an unfortunate destination.
I cut the cord and now I’m floating here
above the bloody mess that
used to be the thing they called me
not quite a person just me
I am s h a p e l e s s
Mirrors can’t show,
Photos can’t show,
Awards can’t show,
Me, nor my inner dialogue.
Because I am s h a pe l e ss
Lightning cracks ---
I sleep like a sailor all alone on rough seas
The night devils: they torment me
All alone in my lonely dreams
I dream I’ve made mistakes.
Now, ocean water overtakes
Staring over the steaming fumes,prophetic wisps, tendrils of the muck,rising up and twisting in her nose,
Eyes bloodshot,covers torn asunder,an empty bed lays in ruins,
As I stand bravely in front of thousands
My body starts trembling with fear and thoughts
I try to calm myself down
But standing still makes me tremble with a frown
I'm shaking, now
After the NAMI meeting organized by my family,
AKA the GSA club,
We,
My friends,
Stood in a circle behind the refreshment table—
Scared of what? I can’t say
I got to go, have to getaway
Heart begins to thump, to race wild
Feeling frightened, alike a child
Breathing quickens, I want it to slow, get back in control
Does pain really cease?
Or is it a mere conformity?
Does darkness provide ease?
Or simply consume the light we no longer see?
My chest is caving in,
But there's nothing besides the weight of a t-shirt
Against my skin,
Yet my chest is heavy.
And I must have been impaled with a bullet
Because there's blood draining from my heart,
My bones hang loose. Shaking unconsciously
With no rhythmic tune.
There’s gravel in your eyes. Was that from when I
Tried to run away? Did I spew up the ground when you
Said it's too late? Now you're begging me to
The thing about anxiety is
I may look fine from the outside, but
On the inside I am erupting like a volcano.
Except I do not get the privilege
To explode in public.
I am forced to hide the bubbling emotions
When I use words to explain my depression, I use those of others.
I claim to be a writer and yet I become so certain that what I have is too little.
Please, don't touch me.
But, please, hug me.
Please, make sure everything is in order.
But, please, let me do it.
Please, don't make eye contact with me.
But, please, tell me my blue eyes are pretty.
The race for finals beginsEveryone around me playful and funAlthough I try, I just can't winSocially inept and such a dum dumI wish life could be eaiserbut what fun would that be
I am every bit as pathetic as the paper in my mouth.
The paper that will very soon become a topic of discussion among my friends;
Wondering why my hands now smell like anxiety,
There was a month where I smelled like cigarettes. You were the month that I tasted like misplaced jokes, who's punch-line snaked around my jaw;
You told me I made you feel the way
I feel when I draw circles under my tongue,
but I'm not very good with new concepts.Driving the nails into the coffin of my inhibitions,
Pain brings the saddest days or the happiest moments
Pain of sacrifice is more bueatiful then a childs pain turned into a starlit lotus
If you lose pain you lose focus
I'm stuck
in my head.
I've run out of luck
my brain and my heart; they bled.
I'm stuck
and I just want to get out.
Climbing through the muck
my head just screams and shouts.
every night i go to bed with hate in my head,
and yet every morning, as i get out of bed,
the hate is still there; i still hate myself.
i can’t get this self-hatred taste out of my mouth.
When the sunkissed skin is disturbed, like the soil of a fresh grave, it's noticed.
If you look close, or lazily drag your fingers over the forbidden places,
you'll know.
Once it's pulled apart, it's hard to splice.
Cacophony, n. harsh discordance of sound; dissonance:
it's the sound of a coffee cup clattering
rolling on the tile of a classroom floor
the anxiety of the ACT
bolded, capitalized, yelled across
With the bed of roses are the thorns intertwined with them.
Such beauty comes with pain, and with pain comes the blood.
Such soft plump ridges,
an illusion from within.
Everyone touches,
with no registration.
When asked what I remember about my childhood, I will answer “smoke;”
There’s a lingering, hovering cloud in all my most recallable memories.
You may strip me to the bone and examine my every part
Go ahead and remove my soul
While I pray to GOD that I will let go
Of all my insecurities
And my bad qualities
And a broken back that will not stop me.
She is the girl.
The girl who would rather be known as the girl who never fell in love
Than the girl who fell in love
Only to fall on her face
Who won't try because she might fail
I can't think,
I can't feel.
My mind is overloading,
How is this real?
Anxiety and depression,
Every day and night.
I don't want to down more medicine,
Just to be alright.
I thought anxiety controlled me.
I was scared to think about it.
I started feeling dead inside.
I could never breathe anymore.
I wasn't me anymore.
I thought being 12 was supposed to be fun.
One day I saw a person on the ground and no one stopped to help
They walked around and over and past them,
Down the street and around the corner until they were gone
And this person just sat there crying and bleeding,
I fear that I am a mistake
a mistake of God..
and one day He'll realize it, then I'll disappear.
No one will notice,
no one will care, some may even be relieved..
Dear mom,
I am here to say I'm sorry.
I am sorry I'm not the little girl you wanted me to be.
I'm sorry that I'm hurting you.
I'm sorry you have to deal with me.
I'm sorry for not giving it my best.
Being a hot mess isn’t hot; I know that better than anyone.
Sometimes my heart overworks my head and vice versa.
The void is speckled purple and yellow
And I am floating above it
overwhelmed by nausea
And I don’t know why I haven’t yet fallen in.
Space hurtles around me ever cyclical
And I am here
How is it possible to feel
so much joy and to still be
dead
to the world? I am
depressed, but in the moments
we are together
I shed the anxiety,
that leaden straight-jacket holding
Anxiety rules my life,
cutting me open like a knife.
I was on the cold, stone table ready to be taken under.
Forcing myself to throw up was my blunder.
I stopped fighting the urge,
gagging until I slurged.
I am,
Broken
Shattered behind how my education
Deprived me of all hope of a normal life
What is normal though?
Normal for me
Is waking up in the middle of the night
Drenched in sweat,
In elementary school I had so many friends.
Nobody cared what you looked like
or the clothes you wore.
But now that I'm older and high school is here,
there's judgement all around.
I used to be so confident,
Putting on a fake smile
To keep the questions away
To keep the pain away
To keep the memories away
I sit. Everything is ok.
Then it starts.
My heart starts to pound.
My hands start to sweat.
I can feel my breath start to quicken.
Faster, and faster.
Initially, this wasn’t exactly the reality of the story I imagined I would be strolling through.
Madness intertwined in my balance,
I feel exhaustion.
I feel broken
I feel lost and im still hoping
That I can get out of this whole Im in
Filling to the brim with water within
Im trapped
Im crying out and no one can see
My brain is taking complete control
and it just won't stop.
I keep shaking all the way to my soul;
I can feel my heart drop.
My hands go over my ears,
I have so many words that I cannot express
Trying to vomit feelings out of a hole of emptiness
I'm depressed and anxious but I'm just tired I guess
They ask if I'm okay and I just say Yes
I am strong
-er than I was before
Curled up, shaking, on the floor.
Panic attacks that would make me weak.
Like a foot is stretching my heart
Contorting, stressing,
I feel nothing at all.
Like they're talking,
And I'm talking back,
But the words are vegetables
Why are carrots coming out,
I am so much more than what I think I am
I am more than my diagnosis
I am more than my medication
I am more than my label
I am more than the biases and stigmas
I will struggle and have my bad days
imagine
there is a landmine in your veins
tic tic ticcing away
counting down the days
until you can look in the mirror
and see yourself straight -
imagine
Itchy skin,
cicadas, buzzing lights, shivering,
waking up when the sky is cloudy,
a metal fork scratching a porcelain plate,
falling in public,
knots being brushed out of hair,
I’m happy my counselor is an incompetent piece of shit because it means she doesn’t, ask the real questions, tiptoes over my glass shards and scars hoping not the strum the wrong cord. It’s been a months and we still refer to my eating disorder
And it's not the cute kind of fear,
not the kind with butterflies and giggles.
It's the tyoe that puts a lump in your throat,
I have tripped over luck and stumbled upon tragedy. I find myself stuck in an elevated, praised, honoured institution, full of the most vile and wretched creatures to fill this earth.
On the outside I seem
the same as you,
but peel away the plastered on grin
and you'll find that
out of sight of watching eyes,
I am anything but sane.
My mind is termoil,
To: anxiety.
you don't get to be capitalized.
you want to be recognized but i can't allow it.
can't.
but i do, i allow you
to
overwhelm my brain, my mouth, my hands.
i've bled from you.
i can hear my heart thrumming
No matter what I write
Behind the screen of doubts
A mental prison of night
Obscured by the formidable shouts
When I was four.
I was taught to be good.
I was told to do what was expected.
Because good girls don't argue.
When I was eight.
I was taught to be smart.
I was told that I had to be the best.
The moonlight rays
Slice through your window,
Similar to the way
The blade kissed
Your skin only moments ago.
You look out with
Blurry vision and