The thing that I admired,

That was my role model,

it cradled my cold body,

it tucked me in at night

It still takes care of me sometimes

and makes me forget that-

 

This Feeling Is Such A Pain.

"Hush, now. Its nothing, you should love them."

 

Because I like this thing?

Because I have dared myself to do outside the norm?

Because I have made the choice to take a risk?

aren't you supposed to love me unconditionally? why reject me so?

 

SHH! be quiet, I will hear you!

Who? Who? Who?

Oh, you.

 

Why must you shoot me down?

Because its "weird" and "different"?

I like it, thats what matters, isn't it?

"No, its not," they say. "I'm allowed to put dents in you because I'm your

*word omitted by machine, because they are a weak idiot who cannot control their feelings*"

I stumble around inside my near empty vessel, but smile anyways. "Okay, I trust you."

This is not the beginning.

 

Small things make my anxiety skyrocket

All the way to outerspace, where Oi-

 

"Shh, don't share that. Just be normal, get better friends."

 

Better friends? They're great, I love them, but-

Not enough.

"They're not good for you. They all want to die, so that's why you do too, isn't it?

There's no other explanation, after all. You weren't like this when you were a kid."

 

I was, you just didn't notice.

You don't notice that I'm still a kid, either.

 

Why why why why why?

"Get over it. just be happy."

Is that a joke? Is that a joke?

Is that a jokeisthatajokeisthatajokeisthatajoke

"Shut your mouth.You're ruining the mood."

 

"Here," I say, extending my hand to a person in need.

"Thank you," they say, taking and taking and taking from me.

"I'm so tired," I say.

"Just a little longer," they say.

Are you a friend or foe? Whatever, I don't mind.

"Be kind, always. But don't hurt yourself! Ha!"

Instructions unclear, machine shutting down.

 

Nobody hears my creaking.

I'm drowning in This Feeling,

it swallows me up and refuses to spit me out,

causing my gears to rust

"someone needs to pull you" it croons to me

At last, after three years, I see a light.

Hands are reaching out to me

"Hold on!" a voice says.

I see the silhouette of my savior, I am so close

and then

"The figures turn away from you and-"

SHUT UP

"Hold on! Let us help this other person first!"

Was I not good enough? I'll be better next time for sure.

They never come back, and I am left alone to sink and swirl around yet again.

 

Its been years since the beginning.

I know now, that even if I am helped,

That will not be the end. I will still be here,

In risk of sinking again.

I will never get a happy ending

Unless I am dead.

Please, help me, I'm just a kid.

 

"You're too young to feel this way!"

But...

Nevermind.

"NO!" A voice shouts, deep inside me.

A tiny, dying ember, almost gone

"Tell her! She said she'll listen!"

But, she might disregard-

"TELL HER!"

 

So I do and..

"Its just your hormones, sweetie. It'll be over soon."

I'm close to crying, and my voice quakes.

Denied, disregarded, declined

"Okay."

 

But-

Nevermind.