This is OCD (Slam Poem)


I panic between doorways 
I count the breaks in stairways 
to rules I always adhere 
and I do this out of fear
fear that I'll lose my sight 
that it will punish someone dear 
fear they'll jump from treacherous heights 
and I know you think I'm insane 
but just give me a moment to explain 
these tiny ticks that keep repeating 
tapping though my heart's still beating 
threats tearing through my head
can they see me slowly bleeding?
will this eventually strike me dead?
it's called obsessive compulsive disorder
and no, I'm not sure
that I turned the lights off 
locked the doors
that's not a viral cough
was it even this floor?
and still they scoff
as if I have a choice
as if my tiny voice
could compare to that of it's
I cant keep about my wits
that thunder in my mind 
constantly throwing fits
and instantly it decides
a horrific punishment
unapologetic banishment
because I didn't lock the door three times
because I didn't look back eight times
because I didn't pause in the doorway
because none of this bullshit rhymes
and I cant keep my dread at bay
I'm beginning to look manic
and I can't stop the panic
that always ebbs and flows
and nobody really knows
that it comes with immense shame
and I hope it never shows
it's really only myself to blame
so I repeat over and over
I try to let myself go slower
repeating actions I can't defend
wasting all this time I spend
each reaction is equal and opposite
I think I'm almost nearing the end
you'd think I'd learn the consequence
because just when you think you're done
you step back, relax, and- new compulsion.
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