it's early. 

my phone buzzes numbers at me and my mouth says, "get up get up get up," while my mind says stay here stay here stay here.

i have to go pretend to care some more. i have to wash my hair again. i have to put on that face once more, the one that says "i'm okay," when my mind says no i'm not.

they don't see what goes on in here the turning wheels and rusty nails holding desperation and desire in, about to burst at the seams and the force of all the things i'm trying not to think but my mind is a traitor and keeps rolling spinning turning twisting WORKING when all i want is some peace

and

quiet.

i stay up later than i should to make the thoughts tired. make them stop running like a movie reel rolling colors and noises and memories under my eyelids.

my phone goes next to the bed, face up so the numbers can remind me how many hours of sleep i'm losing.

i turn over, staring at the wall, willing my mind to slow down. i close my eyes and hope that the night swallows me up.

"go to sleep," i say, stay awake i think. but i need to try and sleep.

it's late.