I was little when disposable cameras were "the thing"
Polaroids were fading out.

I would pose for my mother in my new school clothes

Silly faces, ballerina, peace signs.

I sang and sang until one of my classmates got me in trouble in kindergarten for singing so much

(I still remember, Chris, I haven't forgotten)

And I'd play on the monkey bars and hang upside down

And in fourth grade I cut my hair really short.

I hung upside down and fell off and broke my tail bone.

In fifth grade I loved The Beatles and tried to grow my hair out

So I could get a "cool haircut" for sixth grade.

I broke my foot that year, skipping up my porch steps.

Sixth grade rolled around and my migraines landed me in the hospital a lot.

They put me on a medication,

They told me it might make my hands sweat or my weight drop.

They didn't tell me I could be one of few who would experience depression and suicidal ideation

I guess I got that because I wasn't normal. 

I live with depression now.

They say it's mild but that's because I've tammed it.

(This is where a whip noise would go)
I have severe anxiety and panic disorder to go along with it.

I guess it's not "normal"

But I have medication to make me feel normal

And do things

Things like decide what I want to eat without crying.

Or go to the mall without leaving because there's too many people.

Or go to school and say something outloud and not want to jump out a window.

I have pills for that.

They think I'm bipolar.

I might be, I don't know.

My dad is and his dad was and so maybe his dad was and maybe I am.

My mom says she's never seen me "manic"

But she didn't see me black out and cut my leg with a pair of scissors.

Or attempt suicide after a panic attack and hook up with a guy two days later.

Maybe that is normal.

I don't know.

I don't know what normal is.

I disassociate sometimes when I'm about to get anxious.

And when I do, I feel like everything's edges blurs like a dream

And I forget where I am and I want to cry and jump out of the car 

Or off the overpass

Or out the window

Or out the window

I want to jump out the window

I have medication for that.

Sometimes I don't see myself through my eyes

And it's like I'm someone else

And I don't mind that so much because I look pretty cute then

And I like best when I try on clothes because I don't see how fat I am

And I don't cry 

And don't want to throw up

Throw up

Throw up

I want to throw up

I have medication for that.

I guess I don't know what normal is.

I think that's okay.

I don't know what's wrong with me yet

But they have medication for that.

This poem is about: 


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741