I suddenly realized

(at five years old)

Death applies to me too

 

That children become grown-ups

who become grandmas

who were the ones who died

 

And I was a children.

 

NOT ONLY THAT BUT--

Mama will die

Daddy will die

Kuya will die

The baby will die

The kitty will die

(especially the kitty)

 

And my chest turned hot and rose into my throat

and I stopped sleeping

because it was way too risky--

What if I didn't wake up?

 

And I 

For some reason

Some predisposition

Some inherent soullessness 

Some pessimissm in my little (five year old) brain

 

Never thought seriously of heaven after that.