Official diagnosis: Anxiety and Depression

In Kindergarten terms, that means

My brain won’t shut off

And sometimes I can’t remember

How to be happy

 

It means that when I get home at night

I slump into bed and curl up into a ball

Too exhausted to do the homework my brain is screaming needs to be done

It means that on a romantic excursion to watch the night sky

Instead of marveling

At the wonder that is thousands of millions of billions of fiery balls

Suspended

In dark matter billions of light-years away,

I’m thinking about what time it is (9:30) and whether I’ll be home before 10 and if other people can see me looking at the stars and what do they think about this and am I on private property and is that car a cop? wait, is any of this illegal? how long does it take to get home from here? what time do we need to leave? did I remember to do my homework? do I have school tomorrow? what day is it? what time do I need to get up in the morning? now what time is it?

Still 9:30

 

It means that at 1 or 2 in the morning,

Instead of sleeping, like I should be,

I’m regretting every moment of my existence,

Searching for a reason,

Just one reason,

To keep the rope off of my neck and the blade off of my skin

And often, I fail.

 

It means that at the crack of dawn

As I’m watching the flower petals escape the grasp of my car

I wonder where they’re running to,

And if they would mind if I joined them.

It means I watch the leaves grapple their way up the windshield

And cling to the glass as if by defying physics, they would also defy their fate

And I wonder if they would tell me

If they ever found a way.

 

Official Diagnosis: Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation

In medical terms, that means

The deliberate infliction of damage or alteration to one’s self without suicidal intent and an unusual preoccupation with suicide

In Kindergarten terms, that means

I’ve got a chaotic combination of wanting to live, hurt, and die

 

It means sometimes when I can’t find a way to be happy

I make one all my own

 

It means long sleeves when it’s cold

And long sleeves when it’s hot

And long sleeves when I sleep

And long sleeves when I go out

And long sleeves when I stay in

Long sleeves at school and work and home and choir and on dates and

Too many long sleeves, I’m sick of long sleeves

But I’m also sick of being sad

Sick of not remembering a whole day when I was happy

 

And so

I’m searching for myself in diagnoses

As if they’re FDA-required labels

That will finally reveal my ingredients:

Intelligence, sarcasm, depression, cinnamon

70% of your daily value of understanding (a value I hope is rising)

100% of your daily value of stress (a value I hope will lower)

Warning: may contain traces of dark humor and possible artistic qualities

 

You can learn a lot from Kindergarten,

Where everything is better after a cookie and some recess and

Maybe that’s what I still need now:

Something sweet and a break, but for now

 

My Official Diagnosis is Human.

In Kindergarten terms, that means

I have ups and downs (even if there are more downs than ups)

But I am important and alive, despite when my brain says differently,

And I can be whatever I want, regardless of

Diagnoses