Please don’t look

 

Don’t look

Because I don’t know if I can say this if you do

 

Turn your back and listen

But listen to me

But don’t look

Because if you look, it’s real

And I’m standing here

Showing you wounds that maybe never

Really

Healed

 

If you look, I’m vulnerable

To the only people I even just

Barely

Trust enough to tell this to

Or maybe I think they deserve to know

If your backs are turned

If you’re not looking

Then it’s all just a someday conversation

That will happen when I’m brave enough

Or strong enough

(That probably won’t ever happen)

 

But listen

Because I doubt I can say this twice

Even to your imaginary figures

 

I’m so scared to do this, you know?

Because if I tell you the things I’m about to

Then that means I really trust you

Or really, really want to

And either way that means I care

I care about you

A lot

And that means that you have the power to hurt me

And God help me

I don’t know if I trust you not to hurt me

I don’t

 

I’m scared, because this?

Will probably change things

And I don’t know if that’s good or bad

 

Don’t look

Please don’t look

Because otherwise I’m not just

Trembling at ghosts and can’t just

Gasp myself from my trance

And look away from the mirror

And stagger my way to hide somewhere

In a patch of isolation

Until it’s safe again

If you look

Then there’s so much more danger

And I can’t pretend I’m just pretending

To tell you all the things that hurt me most

All the parts of me that terrify me

Until I’m muffling screams

And sobs

And can’t breathe at night for petrification

At what I might be

 

If you look

I might shatter

And there will never be the time to put me back together

Because it takes years

And the process never quite does what it should

 

Keep your back turned

As I dance my emotions

And try to pretend that I’m not showing you

Every place I’m most vulnerable

Because I would never do this sort of dance

Where anyone who’s a danger to me

Could see

Especially not someone I care about

Because if you don’t look

Then I can just be frightening myself into a stupor again

 

Listen, but don’t look

 

Please don’t look

 

I’m scared