i try staring at patterned wall paper and run my thumb over the seams of my pillow case.

(back and forth, back and forth over floral printed fabric)

in Child Psych we learned that autistic children often engage in repetitive behaviors to stimulate their senses, they need that to feel calm.

i hear my father whisper into the phone,

words that hang bitterly in the air and linger down the hallway where i’m listening.

(careful not to step on the creaky floor too heavily)

i rock back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

my mouth tastes of metal and my lips are cracked,

i need to feel something.