My greatest weakness is fear.
But it's not just any fear, it's a disease.
It creeps and crawls onto every decision.
It beats me down into indecisiveness.
It tears away at the layers of falsehood that I manage to put up, leaving me bare.
I look down on myself, and it's not a confession it's a statement of fact.
I don't know if I'm good enough.
I know I can do better, but it's like I live with two different people.
One who knows what it takes to live in the real world, and another who has thrown all hope to the dogs and lives in isolation.
These same dogs that nip at the heels of every choice that I make, making it seems as though my choices are inadequate.
The same inadequacy that breeds failure in the minds of young adults.
I think to myself,"maybe I just not good enough", but...this is America, home of the free land of the brave and all that.
Why can't I be like that person who seems to wake up every morning, fearless, ready to tackle the problems of the day.
Why can't I break free from this mold of depression and anxiety, that cripples my interaction with the real world.
Where's my energy? Where's my gusto?
I left it somewhere and I haven't seen it for years. Whether it was in my childhood or my young adult life somewhere. I know I left it somewhere, but I can't seem to find it.
I've been looking for years, but when I come across something similar, I can't afford it, or I don't qualify.
Not everyone has one, some have lost theirs,too, or it was stolen.
Stolen by anyone or anything that manages to get its hands on it.
Stolen by the same crooks and thieves that dress up as people, but dance with devils and ghouls when the lights go out.
Stolen by monsters that fester in the swamps of society that catch too many wayward travelers.
Or sometimes, it's broken.
Maybe you didn't use it correctly, or maybe you handled it too roughly and now you have to find another one, but you don't want another one, you want the one that you have fixed.
But you can't fix it. You can't find it. You can't get it back.
No more bravery. No more wisdom. No more patience.
It's all replaced by fear.
And that troubles me. It troubles everything I do. Fear.
Why fear? Why of all the things in the world does it have to be fear.
A fear that keeps me up at night and eats away at my feelings of warmth and safety.
A fear that grips me tight and squeezes the life out my very soul from the smallest choices and decisions.
Where does it come from? This nagging anxiety of nothing that turns into everything. I don't know, so please, please don't ask.
Cause if you ask, you may not know, and explaining it would mean that it is real. But I know it's in my head. It's all in my head. The worst part about all of it, is the fact that it's in my head, but I can't get it out.
It's started to grow and I don't know if tumors like these can be cured.
I wake up everyday, hoping that the new fear is benign. But it never is. Always, always festering, and I can't stop it.
My greatest weakness is fear, and I fear that its been too long and I've come too far, for me to give up now.