Insecurity.

Doubt.

Codependency.

Self-hate.

 

I have encountered the misfortune of being in an abusive relationship with each.

 

I dated Insecurity for a few years.

He used to tell me that everyone around me was judging me,

And that the whispers in the hallway were always about me.

So I hid myself away as I became more aware of what others truly thought about me.

I found my security in Insecurity.

 

After a while, Insecurity grew tired of me.

He said, “You are no longer worth my time.

You are simply too consumed with yourself.”

But before he left, he placed chains around my wrists

So that I would remember that I always belonged to him

As he sought out his next prey.

 

I fooled myself into thinking I was over Insecurity

And met a seemingly amazing man.

His name was Doubt,

And he used to tell me that I was incapable of success,

That nobody would love me as much as he did,

And that people did not like me because of my relationship with Insecurity.

I found my assurance in Doubt.

 

After a while, Doubt grew tired of me.

He said, “You are no longer worth my time.

You lack confidence in yourself.”

But before he left, he placed chains around my ankles

So that I would remember that I belonged to him

As he sought out his next prey.

 

One year passed, and I fooled myself into thinking I was over Doubt.

And I met yet another seemingly amazing man

whose name was Codependency.

He used to tell me that I could not trust anybody except for him

And told me that if I ever left him

He would kill himself.

I found my reliance in Codependency.

 

One night, I got into a fight with Codependency.

“You never let me do anything I want!” I screamed.

But Codependency cried.

He threatened to take his own life,

And I took pity on him.

So I apologized and took him back,

And he placed a chain around my neck

So that I remembered I would always belong to him

Even as he sought out his next prey.

 

Years passed, and Codependency had seemed more interested in other women.

We had not spoken in months,

So I began to date again.

I met a man who seemed like an angel

With a voice that tasted like vanilla

And words that shot fire through my veins.

His name was Self-hate.

He looked at me with kind eyes

and simply whispered,

“Nobody loves you anymore…but I can show you a new kind of love.”

He told me that if I hurt myself

I would finally become beautiful

And as long as I kept my walls up,

I was invincible.

 

I had experienced many passionate nights with Self-hate.

For the first time, I felt whole again.

As I laid in bed with him

He toyed with the chains around my wrists, ankles, and neck

And he whispered, “I can set you free.”

I leaned in to kiss him and begged him to show me;

To let me feel freedom once again.

 

Without a word, Self-hate reached over the bedside

And pulled out a bottle of pills.

He told me if I took every last one

That I would finally be free

And we could be together forever.

 

I took the white bottle from his hand

And contemplated his advice.

He spoke to me so sweetly

That for a moment, I believed him.

And as I held that bottle to my mouth

I heard someone screaming,

Pounding against the walls I had put up

Protesting against what I was about to do.

 

I turned around to chastise the protester

Until I realized who it was.

A little girl stood there, about to witness my rebirth

And suddenly I was too scared to move.

 

“What are you doing?!” Self-hate screamed.

He began to shake me, trying to force the pills down my throat.

As I came to, I understood what I was doing

And threw the white bottle at him.

I walked out that door

Ignoring his cries out to me

And I shut it

Determined to never see him again.

 

It took several years and assistance from good friends

Until I began to free myself from the chains of

Insecurity

Doubt

And Codependency.

 

Of course, my exes still contact me every once in a while.

Insecurity occasionally calls to remind me that people are talking negatively about me

And I remind him that the only peoples’ opinions that matter

Are the ones that care about my best interests.

I hang up before he has time to tell me anything else.

 

Doubt tries to text me to remind me that there are many obstacles between success and I

And that he is unsure if I am capable of achieving my goals.

I kindly remind him that I have all the support I need and I am hard at work

And if he tries to contact me again,

I will do all that is in my power to crush him.

 

Codependency rarely speaks to me anymore,

But when he does, it is to remind me that I always need someone next to me

And that I cannot function on my own.

I usually just punch him before sending him on his way.

I think he is afraid of me now.

 

Self-hate enjoys stalking me as a hobby.

He has traced every single one of my phone numbers, addresses, and schedules.

When I am most vulnerable, he knocks at my door

And begs me to take him back.

Some days, it is difficult to resist him

And I see him handing me that white bottle once again.

Those are the days that I am grateful to have friends

That will look at my Self-hate

And tell him that I am happier and healthier without him

Before sending him away with their magic finger.

The chains of each of them have left marks

Around my wrists, ankles, and neck.

They were meant to remind me

That I am a slave to my exes.

Instead, they show me a true freedom;

A freedom that Self-hate failed to teach me.

These marks remind me

They were wrong about me all along.