Head, shoulders, knees and toes knees and

Head is filled with very foreign thoughts

Shoulders lifted by the harsh anxiety I’ve somehow forgot

Knees buckle at the nervousness of a stranger to meet

Toes curl at the realization that the stranger is me.
 

Eyes and ears and mouth and

Eyes are waiting for my old image to reappear

Ears don’t recognize the words i’ve uttered from just last year

Mouth is no longer imprisoned by any invisible fear

Nose cannot detect the old me was even here.

 

Feet, tummy, arms and chin, arms and

Feet have walked down paths I have never imagined traveling

Tummy no longer feels sick from my insides battling

Arms have reached for unruly goals

Chin is up because I am in control.

 

Head, fingers legs and lips legs and

Head is free to think whatever it desires

Fingers can create without restraint, fueled by fire

Legs are strong enough to take me where I want to go

Lips hold the courage to tell you “no”.

 

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Eyes, ears, mouth, nose,

Feet, tummy, arms, chin,

Eyes, ears, mouth, shin,

Hands, fingers, legs, lips

Eyes, ears, mouth, hips...

 

Are all mine.

They will not be altered at your shrine

They belong to me and me alone

Not to commandments written on a stone

 

You’re idea of “holy” isn’t worth the strife

My idea of “justice” isn’t a fiery afterlife

I am no longer afraid because I have been re-baptized

This time I didn’t drown and have learned how to survive

 

I don’t bow down to any God who’s so insecure he needs my worship

And throws a fit saying if I don’t believe in him I am evil and worthless

 

For seventeen years I believed Him

For seventeen years I sang every hymn

I’ve drank the wine and bite the bread

Yet still I questioned everything at night before bed

 

My record is 3 nights without sleep,

3 times within two weeks

I was convinced I was spiritually deprived

I looked for God but why did he hide

 

I sincerely have never tried so hard at anything

Than to believe and receive the “one true king”

I am ready for hell if I am sent there when I die

Because I am familiar with hell trapping me from the inside

 

And on that judgement day when I am faced

With the one and true saving grace

I’ll ask Him “why was it so hard”

to just accept what You said and say who You are

 

I’ll tell Him I wasted my whole life trying

to believe enough to not see His word as horrifying

To not spend nights at my skin prying

Out whatever made me doubtful and not complying

 

For those years I dreamt of dying

But I was afraid of hell and not qualifying

For the gates of heaven because I didn’t believe quite enough

I will always wonder why I couldn’t convince myself the stuff

Everyone around me was convinced has saved them

They all accepted most people were condemned

To eternal suffering for once and for all

While heaven would rejoice in God while just down the hall

Burning souls wouldn’t get any chance for revival

So this I swear solemnly on the Bible:

 

I am done with who I was pretending to be

It may take some time but one day I will be free

I now can sleep at night without the weight

That I don’t need to try to get the Lord my soul to take

My soul is mine and mine alone

Head shoulder knees toes

eyes ears mouth nose

Are mine.

 

And now I can finally use them the way I intend

And that is how the book of Revelation ends

While You are fighting the devil You created Yourself

I will leave Your stories dusty on the shelf

 

I will go out and use my this body to create

And that, God, is my fate

I forgave myself for my own sins

In Your name I pray, Amen.