embarassment

standing awkwardly

unsure, hesitantly

cheeks aflame with a roaring fire

whispering children now conspire

do i speak or sink into to this silence

others laugh, smile, speak

I stand too close, knees weak

what do i do what do i say

nothing at all, keep tears at bay

humiliation

i bear the weight of this shame

the judgement of others emblazoning my brain

im so...

every self deprecating hating abhorring thought races through

what good does that do

im worthless

a tarnished good eroding

my metallic surface shining

as the scorching sun beats my frame

i don't transform, i stay the same

pity

is that what they think of me

unspoken criticism flowing through their brains

an urge to abandon this disgrace

but they don't dare to even say

the truth

out of the fear i will return to that place

i so harrowingly escaped

it is my home i must return

inevitable my sinking retreat

i would bear all the world's misery

to escape your pity

humiliation, embarassment, pity

i tell myself i hate myself but i lie

its they who do but i must deny

one day i will scream a thousand nightmares

the fears i held so deep within

its ink rubbing onto my skin

so that the terrible words are etched

into my identity

inseperable 

this hatred and me

im a pussy

coward

fool

inept

unlikeable

that is what i see

the years spent crying

being coaxed into everything

the labored breathing

the turbulent stomach

symptoms of an ancient disease

that marks me

out of the endless sea

of innumerable nobodies

as the least of them all

i don't need to cry opression

it is by my own sword i have been brought my defeat

myself the source of my misery

don't pity me

for the centuries spent in timidity

for the years my lips were shut

when my mediocriety

became a mask that hid the true revolting creature

that lingers in my soul

its the disgust i feel at observing myself

like some grotesque creation

made by some divine comedian

who laughs and grins at my cursed existence

made to be discreetly disdained and tortured from within

don't pity me

i'm haunted by a thousand humiliations

but greater is the pain of your insinscere sympathy