I Remember



I remember being so overwhelmed.
I remember crying often
And being lonely.
I remember stressing over every flaw
Every possible outcome to every problem.
It feels like so long ago.

I can recall the very moment that this changed.
When my emotions flooded out of me
And I began exposing myself to the sun.
I remember putting down the pencil for once
And trading it for the outstretched hand in front of me.
I remember talking
Like it was the very first time I had heard my own voice.

But now all I can ever think about
Is showering in boiling water
Attempting to burn away all of the troubles and misconceptions on my skin.
I try scrubbing away the grime and the things I hate about myself
Because I can’t hide from them any longer.
All I can remember is how it’s so much easier
To be lonely when we choose to
Than when we are forced to.

Because when we’re forced to be by ourselves,
It’s a constant reminder to what we’re missing
And there is no independence
But rather a feeling of being unwanted,
I want to burn it all away and forget it too.

What I don’t remember is when things got so damn complicated,
Where I suddenly lost focus and didn’t play close enough attention.
It must’ve been between the times I tried on a new laugh
A new smile
And lost myself inside of a fantasy that could never last forever.

I want to burn away the complicated things
The fighting and the screaming
The tears that never stop flowing when I don’t know why I’m crying.
I want to burn away my hunger and guilt when I give in to it’
And the memories of you that I can’t run away from.
I want to burn away the scars
And my skin
And the parts of me I try to hide.

But no matter how hot I make the water,
It never seems to be hot enough.
Because while the burning sensation eventually turns me numb,
The feeling of peaceful emptiness always subsides.

I remember when I used to see everything in black and white
I remember when I began seeing in shades of grey
But I have forgotten the transition between grayscale and nauseating color
Swirls of dizziness and confusion.
I remember when hating myself was easy
And I didn’t know firsthand
That loving myself was this hard.



Additional Resources

Get AI Feedback on your poem

Interested in feedback on your poem? Try our AI Feedback tool.


If You Need Support

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741