I Fear Living

I Fear Living


My mind won’t power down from all the thoughts that scare me


cause every day I’m living in a world I don’t want to be


I’ve been living for others and not myself for 21 years


so every day I wake up I’m facing my fears


it’s all so terrifying


not knowing who I am or who I will become


I know you’re lying


when you say I’m not the disappointment of your 3 sons


cause you’ve said it before


I don’t forget those moments


they ring in my ears like nails on a chalkboard


“why can’t you be fucking perfect?”


Years of misuse


Years of abuse


Made me question and doubt my own self worth


And long for my final ride in the back of a hearse


Cause I’m scared of being alone


of years of hard work with nothing to show


I’m scared I’ve wasted my potential


I’m scared I’ve lost my one chance of something special


I’m scared I’m to blame


I’m scared other people don’t give a damn about what I have to say


I’m afraid they’re right


I’m afraid I’m not afforded certain opportunities because I’m not white


I’m afraid of being abandoned


I’m afraid of rebuilding but not knowing how to begin


I’m afraid there is no god


Or that there is but my faith in him is gone


I’m afraid grandpa won’t be able to walk again


and the last moments I had of him were in that hospital bed


I fear this is the end


I fear what I did wasn’t good enough but what I did was my best


I fear I’ve burned out


and of others finding out


I fear my brothers will have kids but I won’t be around


but these fears are mine to deal with and fight


so long as each morning I’m alive I must be doing something right


I’m still learning how to conquer my fears but I’ve learned to say


it’s ok to say you’re not ok


so just by getting out of bed, I fight my fears every day

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