and you used to come here with me-

but i guess that segment of our relationship has 

come to a close and

i don't know if i can wash the taste of you

out of my mouth

forget the scratch 

of your stubble on my chest and cheeks 

as you continue to whisper

i love you i love you i love you

for months you burned affection and understanding

into my devastatingly vulnerable flesh

i've only ever wanted love and needed understanding

which you oh so willingly supplied for months

commitment free

guaruntee free

promising you'd warn me 

before you fucked off and left me

empty.

how could you make me need you?

only to abandon me?

am i overreacting?

or is it just impossible to sleep alone

now that my arms reach for your torso

my legs look for home around your hips

my cheeks know to press into the hollows of your throat

my heart desperate to return to winter break

where a phone call every night

check ins in the mornings

constant contact kept me calm

commitment free?

guaruntee free?

you promised me 

you'd still love me when we got back

but your affections have definitely shifted

but are they just off me? or on someone else

i can deal

with the tragic ex girlfriends

the shaking panic attacks

the not-brushing-teeth-for-hours

the blowing off of classes

the blowing off of friends

almost the stoning

but i can't be ignored

i cant go from 0 to 100

i can't feel nothing followed swiftly by everything

i can't take your virginity at four am

in a passionate display of tears and laughter

i can't feel that much

followed by no eye contact in a room full of our friends

being held in bed for hours and kissed and kissed and kissed

followed by pretending not to know me in a room full of strangers

and pretty girls

can't endure 

hours of deep discussion

about the past the present the future

family

friends 

fear

followed by nothing nothing nothing

do you forget

the urgency with which i drag you to bed

the nip of my teeth on your throat

my breast in your mouth?

because i will never lose the memory

of the way you feel inside me

your hands gripping my hips

the face you make when you cum.

please choose

it's no fair

to sleep all day in my bed

to fuck me

to love me

to call me home

and to seem to not want me when i need you

please choose me

i'm too weak and too afraid and too empty and too lonely

and too vulnerable

to be a second

a third

a fourth

a fifth choice

"you don't want to be my boyfriend and i don't wanna be your girl"

but it's too late

we both know

i'm yours 

i was from the start from the very first moment you took me in your arms and made me safe

nothing here has made me so safe

what will destroy me when you're gone

i've watched you close off to the people you supposedly love

back home

you've promised

not to shut me out

but you will

i've always known you will

it breaks my heart

i always knew you'd break it

i thought i could do it

i thought nothing would shatter me so much as august did but

definition is important

we deserved to be something before we were nothing

a month ago

you told me how you loved me

how you couldn't bear to hurt me

to drag me down with you but god

i have never felt more dead