I felt a monster climb its way up my throat

Choking on tears, I watched my hands tremble

My breath shortened & I felt powerless

I dry gagged & finally heaved

"The monster won," I'd quote.

 

I was seven years old

Trapped in my own bubble

Timid and lost in the maze of my soul

Trying to process the situations that passed me

Looking back, I'd rewrite the way the story was retold

 

I often had overwhelming episodes when I was little

I smiled often

Had fun with friends

But the monster was always lurking behind

It manipulated me because it knew I was brittle

 

The catch here is that I didn't know it existed

Not until I was much older

Now, that monster stole-

         my dignity

                       my strength

        my pride

                                     my childhood

                    myself

 

The monster grew up with me

Shhh

But it doesn't like when you talk about it

Shhhh

So I didn't talk about it

Shhhhh

Not until it made a home in my heart

Shhhhhh

It became a part of me

 

I want to rewrite the confusion I faced as a child

For I have danced with the monster

I have yelled at the monster

And it's kept me hiding from friends

 

I realized I was grown up in this moment

I know the monster's name

This poem is a mess

The monster has possessed me to be this way

I want to tell little me

It's okay...

One day you'll grow up & learn

The monster's name is-

A

               N

       X   

               I 

   E

            Shhhhhh