Recovery
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I wish that his shoes
Were still in the walkway
They used to trip me
And I’d get frustrated
I wish the laundry
I sleep only to stay awake
My dreams so vivid, that my deep slumber goes to waste
I dream of awful things
Of shaking and jerking uncontrollably, endlessly
I sleep only to stay awake
My dreams so vivid, that my deep slumber goes to waste
I dream of awful things
Of shaking and jerking uncontrollably, endlessly
Accepting what we cannot change only works
When what we cannot change is acceptable
Otherwise, there is misery or apathy
But don't you dare be serene
Accepting what we cannot change only works
When what we cannot change is acceptable
Otherwise, there is misery or apathy
But don't you dare be serene
You are the enemy of love and light
You are the enemy of trust
You take the form of all you hate
You take advantage of lust.
I am hurting in ways I can't tell
I am afraid of your touch
mirror mirror on the wall
tell me if i've gotten prettier at all.
don't tell me try harder, starve, carve.
mirror mirror on the wall
why is it so hard to stay so small?
i've done all you told me to do
For the longest time I kept blaming myself, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Why was I never goo enough for anyone? Was there something wrong with me that I wasn't able to see?
Most days I am able to smile through the pain.
Push through tough obstacles with unshakeable positivity.
Telling all the demons of my past that they are wrong.
I have never been one that was actually able to say that I love who I am,
I would always allow people to treat me like crap, and I always pretended that I didn't give a damn.
I hate you.
It's taken me years but I finally said it.
I hate you.
I hate how you are able to make me feel about myself.
You make me pinch at my sides desperately praying that this tissue will go away.
Why is it that it is so easy to forgive other people, but we I have such a hard time forgiving me?
That I give myself one chance to get something right, but I give others two chances; sometimes I even give them three.
I've learned to eat cold pizza
I've learned to eat mushrooms and sun-dried tomatoes, and I no longer eat all the individual parts of my salad separately
Something I never thought possible
He gave me a cup and said Take a sip and my lips you’ll never miss. I looked at him and took a sip. Something wasn’t right. He seen the worry in my eyes and reassured me everything was alright.
I’ve tied my body to someone else’s for so long
Sewn my hands to another’s back
But now, I look down at the scars
From ropes and staples and thread
It seems like every time that I start to do good, there is always something that gets in the way,
And no matter how hard I try, it seems like I end up failing, and I have to restart everyday.
Why does it always seem like it is one step forward and ten steps back?
It makes me sit and wonder, what are the skills that I seem to lack?
Deep down I know that this is what I want and that my life can be improved,
I stopped smiling because I didn’t want my face to look anything but thin.
I stopped laughing because he told me all I was, was annoying while he was in a place where he should never have been.
Why is our youth becoming angels?
I’m losing them left and right,
This is an urgent fight,
To have a future that’s bright,
Goodbye to the old me,
The one full of sadness, pain, and misery.
She never seemed to show a genuine smile,
Only when she knew she was gonna get higher.
Searching for the love that was lost,
What a low cost.
you see I live in my mind
of course there is no escape
ever since I was 5 years old
I have been a victim of rape
but I put a smile on my face
to keep everyone else okay
not worrying about
An apple a day to keep me healthy you say, Just make sure its organic, And have two a day. You only said one,
I'm a broken man,
living but barely hanging on to this ledge.
I'm undead,
heart still beating,
but unfocused on this path ahead.
I wish I could make admins,
with all the tortue you put me in.
In recovery
Feeling much better again
Thank the Lord for that
(I mean) I'm not feelign awesome yet
Only time will tell
It's been a while now
I used to cut and cry and repeat
But now I finally know
How that battle can be beat
No one said that this was going to be easy, but it is something that you know you have to do,
And when you first embark on this journey it can be difficult because you do not have a clue.
We come from all walks of life,
For some reason brought together here.
Learning how to reach new heights,
Learning how to cope with our fear.
There's got to be purpose underlying it all,
Do you want to know what it's like to be painless?
Could you imagine a way to live shameless?
I thought I knew a way,
But all I'd done is invited a demon out to play.
Sit down; let's play a game.
Sleep sound; the monster's been tamed.
Still loud; the voices scream:
"Let me out; you know you're just a fiend."
"Slow down; I don't wanna play.
"I'm fine," I say when asked how I'm doing,
"I'm good," I tell you when something's wrong,
on the outside I may appear happy and joyful,
but you've never seen my hidden world.
It was a cold and frosty day,
When I began to drift away.
Like the snowman melts in the glare,
I wanted to fade and lose every care.
I slowly put my head below,
I felt the water swirl and flow.
I'm awful sure
i never liked that damned book;
i always rushed through chapters
so i could read anything else
before the bell rang.
But when I open the windows nowadays
Decorative
Shiny
Locked Away
Too Delicate To Use
But Look How Pretty It Is In Your China Cabinet
But How Often Do You Look In Your Own China Cabinet?
In times like this, it is easy to feel scared and alone,
When you have no idea what's going on in the outside world because you are stuck at home.
With your loved ones so far away,
To some people you are a threat. Much like the color jet black. When paired with the perfect flawless color white, the applause is never ending.
Today, today
Today is the day when finally I say
“I can’t”
Oh and I promise that when I say I can’t you would of seen that I am finally correct
So I’m just gonna hit you with my soft smile
The flower grows
In the soil.
It sprouts from the ground.
In swoops the farmer
To pluck it out.
It is a weed.
The mind has a funny way of playing tricks on you,
Even though you have it planned in your head what you want, your mind still takes over and tells you what to do.
Where did that voice go?You remember it, right?
The one that muttered
Sharp, syrupy, perforating words
After each compliment
And about everyone else
tell me who broke your heart
i am a master at stitching up wounds
a master at emotional first aid
let me heal you
with hopeful words and kept promises
they tell me “you don’t want to die”
after i tell them how badly
i want to die
no, i do want to die
i want to sleep myself
i can drown myself
in alcohol
it never really
helps at all
no matter how much shit
i inhale through my nose
Depression.
I'm trapped, I can't get out of bed, I don't have any motivation.
Why am I like this?
I never chose this, I just want to feel happy.
"Don't forget to take your meds" they all say.
i wish i had remembered how it felt to fly
my bones light as feathers
i swear i could sore anywhere i wanted to but i didn’t even bother to pay attention to what was in front of me
The sight of those fires
Seeking air in their confines
Gives a reflection
Elsewhere, far from themselves
Those who lost their light
And constantly struggle
To shine regardless
Why do I write poetry
Why am I always so sad
I tried to write a happy poem once
My sister said it sounded like a goodbye
Upon the shores she stood,
Eyes searching the deep sea
And landing on a piece of driftwood
That bobbed where she thought dear uncle may be
Rubbing her thumb across her bicep… up and down and up and down
Thinking of life before, what life even was—
What was a life if it meant nothing?
Where are my feet? A phrase that could have saved my mind from drifting away with the smoke that carried it. Or maybe not. I didn’t desire the awareness that accompanied the grounding of body and soul.
Sometimes it's hard to admit that you need to change,
Because your mind is trying to convince you that you need to stay the same.
It's not easy to face the reality and admit that something is not right,
How are you?
Im fine.
Are you sure?
Im fine.
You look sad though...
Im fine.
So no cravings?
Im fine.
I told you no.
I was already in control.
Smoked a little grass here and there, and
when that pain came
I didn't think it was something I couldnt bear.
I told you no.
I can walk into an all-you-can-eat buffet,
and my brain will light up like a gambling addict's.
Numbers running in my brain,
neon signs floating above plates counting fat and carbs and sugar,
my guts are knotted uptwisted
i've been overthinking
my old nature of sin seeking
left my heart unwhole
and leaky
nerves got the best of me
anxiety
keeps my chest sinking
home
a house
separated by nature
walls on all sides
no sidewalks no neighborhood
kids
no one to hear you yell
Today was like every other day
It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary
I fear these feelings will never end
I’ll always feel so dark feel so hopeless
Healing
you can make progress
it will take time
much like this rhyme
it will be much like riding a bike
at first it will be hard
you will think your not going very far
I wish you would just hit me
But you got inside my bones
and split me from the inside.
I hate that I’m that girl
who writes poetry about a boy
to feel human again.
But you’re not a boy,
There is darkeness in not knowing your path.You find out the hard way, the light isn't at the end of the bottle. Feeling helpless, like the world is just happening.Well it isn't, is it?
it started when i was little.
no one believes me,
but
i remember.
i remember
the first moment i wasn't able to breathe,
the first time i thought about death,
Her grip was like claws around my throat
dragging me down
making me ebb away into the distance.
She sat on my pillow every night and asked me
what she was doing there
why she had always been there.
I'm sickly in love with the scars on my hips
But they're finally starting to fade
It's a milestone of self care and redemption, but at the same time, it feels like defeat
Crying, crying, crying.
Looking straight at the barren white wall.
My roommate was nowhere to be found,
So I knew I could let it all out.
But why, why, why
Was I crying so damn much?
What does it mean to be 'all grown up'? Have a car? Job? Apartment?
For me, being grown up meant self-advocacy.
Age 15, depression and anxiety was at it's highest.
I’m having conversations with myself
That I’m too scared to say out loud to others
Afraid of sounding desperate for attention
I’ve learned my lesson from playing with fire
Constantly surrounded by weeds
weeds of doubt and depression
they slowly consumed my nourishment
for them to win is for me to lose
My life
And I ask myself every time, why I keep running back to you Countless times, although you've given me nothing Why I turn back To stare at you in the rearview mirror of my mind
Today is my eighteenth birthday, and I am tired
I am tired of making myself small
I am tired of the hospitals, the supplements, the IVs, the hopelessness
Looked down upon as a songbird
With broken wings
Whose feeble voice
Could barely sing,
But the forest floor
I’m so..sad
All my life I’ve never been satisfied
With me
Abuse and control seizing my quiet soul
I couldn’t let go
Rest ripped from me
I fought fathers for a lifetime
Panic is a bathroom sink,
Grime-covered and overflowing,
Tearing the skin off my hands
With its vicious heat splashing,
Burning cold through spilled ink.
She promised me control
and gave me just that
for a price
my life,
my body,
my soul.
Trips to a box
to rid myself of fuel
so happily consumed
so easily expelled
These arms hold crimson droplets,
lightning bolts and jagged lines.
Though people laugh at scars so deep,
they, in spite of fate, are mine.
I see them before I go to sleep,
and when I am revived.
From the outside my childhood looks plain.
I did soccer and cheer,
doodled in class,
and whispered promises of forever to elemtary school friends.
No one wouldve noticed the pain I carried with me.
Fear.
She envelopes us like a cold day without a jacket.
Shivering like bare shoulders, chills climbing in the crooks of collapsing collarbones.
"I am afraid," the voice taunts, always behind us always there.
Her sweet spirit, so shy to the on looking world
Exploded whenever she took the floor
She twirled and jumped before she could ever speak
And now her dreams walked out the door
I’m not supposed to write this poem
It’s embarrassing - on many levels, for many people
I am in love with the rain.
The way it cleanses my heart,
and soaks up my pain.
The way it relieves me from the draining sunlight
that had burned up all my emotions and left me a barren wasteland.
I cried in the shower
I sat on my knees
and sobbed
because I did not have the energy to stand
I arrived at the crisis center at 12:30
I was not admitted until it was dark outside
You don't scare me, mister.
The way you threw me to the floor.
Ran me through your fingers,
Like sand and broken pieces of myself.
Im truely Jekyll, my body is Hyde
He leads the way acting as if my guide
Im forced to follow due to the sun in the sky.
Casted to the ground even by the force of light,
However the opposite, I remain by his side
i’ve seen people
in my own mirrors
come and go like seasons
and just like summer
soaks up the heat of spring,
Now that I've said it
It doesn't seem so wrong.
What was so hard to say out loud
Kept me from being strong.
So key to me
That now I see
I think, I can move on.
"Where are you?"
I wonder, while you are right beside me.
My question echoes like the loneliest of cries
and yet, it really is quite the contrary.
I thought I lost someone.
She wouldn’t be back, and now
Music struck no more notes
With her heart and she spoke
How wonderful you cannot choose
The place and part you least will bruise
For all the phases: yellow, green
Some unsightly, some unseen
You would miss out, you would not get
The new from different sustance skin
Old habits die hard,
Robert Frost and dying stars,
Those are the things that made me.
Cherry blossoms now in bloom begin wilting on the stem.
Break.
Last time I failed
this time will i make
the jump?
Break.
Snap!
there went my leg
i'm broke.
Recovery.
Back with a familiar obstacle
in front of me.
Breathe.
I had a toothache
that resided deep in my jaw.
It stung and jolted and even
burned.
This tooth was not like the others.
It didn't want to chew food.
This is not a war story
but one of victory.
I can hear the freedom bells ring
and my heart sings
because once I was a captive now liberated by the King.
But that’s just the thing
I wasn’t always free.
Recovery
something beautiful
and yet so chaotic,
words sweal
forming memories
thoughts
Recovery
seen as negative,
reminder of what we are
what we could be
Recovery
Lost in darkness
I can’t breath
Break these chains
Please set me free
I’m rising up
Letting go
I have depression
I’m not made of porcelain
I am strong and beautiful
And I have a say in my life
I’m not a porcelain doll
dear depression you began as a childhood friend who saw the young children teasing me for my skin, my thick hair, and my mother.the woman who left her beautiful country,walk endlessly through the desert with only blessings and prayers.you depressi
Inhale.
My hands shake, my head aches, my chest heaves.
Panic, fear, doubts are all I hear.
It’s a silent but seen demon that creeps, and steals and ruins.
This tale is true, and mine. It tells
How I almost lost the light
I was certain I would lose my way
For it was dim at the end of the tunnel
I was imperceptive
The rich kid the rich kid cries too'cause no matter how much gold you mineyou'll never be able to buy peace of mindno matter how bright the diamond shinesif your smile is dull, happy stays behind the rich kid can be acquinted with depression tooha
When I was young,
You were already there in my world,
Invisible but broad in other ways,
And I've always wondered why you stayed,
When all you've done is give,
And I'll I've done is take.
Walking around all day, feeling like shit. The night before was
difficult, whilst laying on my pit.
I lie down at night, feeling totally spent. An hour or two quickly
passes by and then wide awake again.
I can't work out why it didn't work today, yesterday, or the year
before.
Try as I might to make things happen exhaustion often intervenes.
Many an idea come my way, buildings, new business, space, and
She let's down her hair and sighs. Her head hung down. Her heart sunk low as a single tear ran down her face. She couldn't help but wonder When would this nightmare end? When could she truly smile again? Only god could answer her.
A girl just the age of seven
Encountered a man
He said "This will be heaven"
Sneaking into her room at night after her mom was in bed
Again and again, broken down and violated in her bed
You were a general,
And we, your willing soldiers;
I knew from day one
That I would follow you
Anywhere.
You led us into battle,
Not against others but
Against ourselves.
Recovery isn’t linear, it’s a process. Recovery is taking a stumble and realizing, in that moment when you briefly look back, that you’ve made some progress before you fell.
trauma is a teacher
fired from catholic boarding school
its leather bound ruler raps your knuckles
“pay attention!” it barks
“the world will not rest for you, lazy girl!”
“the world is cruel and cold, a demon
dear depression, i’m going to be honest: this is an ode i’ve written before because i have the habit of giving life to my monsters by giving up my own. this is an ode i’ve written before
Crucified Defines The Life And
Times With Kindness
Suicide Deprives The Light In
Life And Blinds Us
From Doing Right Despite Were High And
Dying By This
Some Lose There Pride And Guidance I Am
When I wrote her love songs,
you cried
because they were
“Just that good.”
And I was falling
and falling
and falling.
The King of Ash
I am the King of Ash,
And the King of Ash is me.
All around,
The scorched ground,
Tells of awful travesty.
Embers crackle underfoot,
Dreams die;
some after the dreamer deceases,
some before.
Perhaps this is because the world,
restless and translucent, demands great things
from every individual.
tonight i put down the razor
and picked up a ballpoint pen
i learned to etch my pain onto paper
instead of engraving the words into my skin
i will write in letters of black ink
I remember the day
And the shame that followed
When I asked for help
And my fear I swallowed
They asked me questions
How long I'd felt this way
How my life was at home
If I felt I'd lost my way
Here lies the time of which it commenced
The days past as every sand
Of the hourglass
In a fell swoop of descending
If the cosmos were mine to mix
And the beauties thereof, mine to possess
You are a galaxy.
A collection of beautiful fragments that shine.
You are a galaxy.
The planets that orbit your mind are home to brilliance.
strengthbeautyand loveare all topics that I adore topics that I am drawn totopics that have the full capacity to be expressed through any kind of artmy choice of masterpiece is poetry
I want to love you with all my heart,
But I can’t.
I want to give you everything,
But I can’t.
I want to care for you,
And take away your pain,
Like I drug I was addicted
I couldn't see that you were vindictive
Using me to get back at her
Shattering my fragile heart like a mirror
Freezing over from the coldness of your heart
you can tell me not to cry when it rains from the storms i've created for myself but there's no purpose in telling a flower not to wilt.
Do you remember what was true before you let the thoughts consume you?An unrecognizable face in a crowd you’ve allowedTo become a disguise you used to hideEvery bruise, cut, scarThe times you tried.
I want to forget the way your words became teeth,
Sharp, gnashing, unforgiving.
You talk ‘pretty’ now.
Your canines ground down and polished,
RESTORE ME
I am ruled by the fantasy,
controlled and guided by ghosts.
I am adored by the fantasy,
When I was 11, I started starving myself
When I was 13, I started cutting myself
When I was 15, I kissed a boy who had a girlfriend
When I was 16, I made a lot of mistakes
When I was 16, I decided I needed to change
I’ve always worn sweaters in the summertime
No matter if cloudy or skies full of shine
Sweating down my back, I smiled like I knew it
Was cool. Walking alleys, crossing streets, Neutral, just to get through it.
when i was sixteen i couldn't read past two lines of the waste land
april was cruel and i was the dead land, but from me nothing grew
i wanted lilacs to bloom while they buried me
they nearly had to bury me
Two Minutes
Every year, there are more and more damaged humans,
from every age, race, gender, and places.
Those predators are shameless and ruined
It's been 2 years, 8 months, 25 days since i felt your hands
Since your hands were on my hips.
I can still feel them.
I can still feel how your fingers dug into my skin.
When my emotions came back, they didn't come back all at once.
As someone who struggled with depression for 4 years, i had forgotten what emotions felt like.
Meeting eyes with you was like staring at a picture that has been hung in the living room my whole life.
You were so familiar, yet you never failed to catch my attention.
We were in love once, not long ago.
You said that you could never let me go.
You kissed me with all of your energy
Maybe that's why you set me free
Instead of giving me a necklace
Made up of his hands
We sit in his Grand Cherokee
And listen to our favorite bands
Sometimes I feel about my body
the way meat must feel about
sausage casings. Too many
circles forced inside squares,
too many curves held captive behind societal bars.
to you, who loved me without love:
it has been so long.
three years ago
You were everything.
had not
touched me yet
We had no plans and began to drive
Into the small town that had tried to hide
From a paper map, hung on the wall
it would seem to be fields that only stretch on
She died.
Spoilers aside, her death was not the conclusion nor climax of the story.
It was the beginning of a cyclic swoop.
To him, time was never linear.
Dear ED,
How you made me feel like Eve,
at the early age of 13.
Taking me to the Garden of Eden,
just by opening up that one Teen Vogue magazine.
My eyes may be closed,
But you'll never catch me sleeping.
I run my hand, cold,
Over scars with heavy breathing.
Even now it stings,
Indentions deeper than remembered.
Dear Conscience,
Do you remember when I was young?
Because I can’t seem
To fit those pieces together
For where I am now
Dear Eating Disorder,
I loved you, with every inch of my pudgy body.
When I began to lose my mind, you told me to lose weight.
You held my life together.
Dear Jake,
When the last glimpse of hope is too far in the distance for you to reach
Remember
Remember that you have braved the clench of depression
To my Mocha Frappuccino, my first love, my first heartbreak,
Can beauty ever really come out of this pain?
Can these words ensure that the suffering was not in vain?
Each breath I feel the army wanting to
push the barricade
I swallow so much saliva it washes back
the front line back into the sea from which they arose
They are fighters, no matter how hard I
Happiness cannot be found
In the bottom of a bottle.
Drinks and pills cannot fill
A heart that has gone hollow.
Stand up!
I scream when I know you cannot hear me.
I can't!
Once
There was a castle.
In that castle was a princess.
Cursed,
By danger and imperfection.
I am having a difficulty speaking
I am having a diffuculty of acting
Normal--
So I keep singing Normal Girl
so maybe I can be as such
My mind, a racetrack
2017bled out in color for me, a thousanddifferent shades tempered by jealousy andreminding me that indeed they wereghostsof somebody I used to know that Ididn't anymore and I didn't
Dearest Reflection,
The sun illuminates my room.
You present yourself.
Once upon a time, blue and hollow,
now radiant like the star light flowing in.
Your smile, once seldom, rare, and far between,
Anxiety,
What triggered you this time?
Was it the way that man looked at us on the street?
Was it the test we have in chem. tomorrow?
Dear My Past Self,
This is the part where I tell you that you're going to be okay
Each day might seem worse than the last
But, that everyday is truly a new day
somewhere i can hear her singing still.‘new york i love you but you’re bringing me down’new york is always bringing someone down.someone taking the train to the end of the line
Dear Me:
You’re finding steps where steps didn’t used to be
I admire that, I really do
Days have gotten harder and you’re still
Finding smiles where you couldn’t
There isn’t a rhyme scheme anymore
my fingers tingle
my knuckles white
i grasp my hopes
“it’ll be alright”
but nothing changes
they start to slip
through the cracks
that aren’t newly broken
the sky and i are alike you know,
we burn shades of red
and shades of blue
with purples in between
thoughts are unclear
like the moon and the stars
hidden from view
polluted with darkness
things fall apart
but that is only the start
of a journey that may last days
or years
full of things,
only you can hear
you travel down a path made of gravel
encrusting you with scars
When you’re a child you long for secrets
Memories from long ago, hope for the future
Small collections of thoughts passed from person to person
“don’t tell anyone, please.”
You whisper between yourselves
The sunrays are beaming down, brightly illuminating the sky.
Sand keeps wiggling its way in between my toes
The waves keep swooshing and swishing
Stay alive for the little things,
Like the sun on your cheek,
Or to see your life peak.
Stay alive for the little things,
To see your favorite band get back together,
Or to fall in love forever.
Dear Lover,
Because I love you,
I let you walk all over me.
I forgave your infidelity.
I gave you my heart.
You replaced it with yours.
Sitting in the room watching you
And not just any room
Your room
But you’re preoccupied
So, I’ll wait
Looking at you from the corner of my eye
I feel like Mr. Hyde
dear past, present, and future self,
you fall in love at thirteen
it is may and you are sick again
delicate and easy prey you are
but you pray
This is my story,My love life through my eyes,And what a healthy relationship,Means to me.
When sunlight reaches you, It’s almost scary how warm it is, Compared to where the foliage has you shadowed, How lovingly it will caress you, Tell you that life is full of mysteries, And that it hopes that you live long enough to solve at least on
Every day I take another step from who I used to be
And I find I like how I am becoming
Because I am still me--
I still love, I still perform, I still find life fascinating
In my darkest moment,
You were there to cradle me
Somehow you became my opponent
Preventing me from being free
You and I together
Perpetuated my pain
The way dark and stormy weather
"I like you too."
Something that I,
for five years,
have longed to hear
you tell me.
My heart throbbed
with ecstasy,
My stomach panged
in surprise,
My father and I are one in the same;
according to some.
He hates math,
me too,
but I believe there are more similarities than not.
After all we have been through and got.
Medications, prescriptions,
the days you spend
no longer feeling the familiar ache in your chest
noticing how at ease you feel
wondering how long this feeling has been here but you were too unaware to notice
grateful
but confused
Tiny wings, set me free
Let me fly away
In this world, I believed
I would never stray
But the nights have moved on
Since the day I was gone
My last words have been said,
To you, I gave the world,
Yet to I, you saw no such need.
Under the worst of circumstances, we met,
I, being a mess bent on self-destruction, and you, a loner.
To you, I gave you my world,
To you, I gave the world,
Yet to I, you saw no such need.
Under the worst of circumstances, we met,
I, being a mess bent on self-destruction, and you, a loner.
To you, I gave you my world,
having an eating disorder means wanting everyone to know and no one to ask
it means accidentally leaving your lunch at home and proudly telling friends no thanks when they offer to share
I was stuck.
Stuck in an endless cycle of destructive thoughts.
These thoughts controlled me for way too long.
I felt as if I had no control over how I viewed myself.
Love is such a beautiful thing
Something to be marveled at
Such a rare bloom
She was a hopeless romantic who wanted love so badly she couldnt tell it wasnt love
Once Upon a Poem:
a backlit town
the story place
a girl with shame
upon her face
lost from her journey
off sunlight roads
the daughter hid
to bear her load
Three years ago I was your puppet
Attached to the strings you had through my knees,
A blindfold over my eyes and I believed all of your lies.
Three years ago you left me,
You threatened me,
You -
here's to you, you knees on the ground, yes please, no thank you, wide eyed dreameryou thin-lipped, ruby-throated optimist, you girl in a dress that doesn't sit quite right on a staircase that feels too big
A sleeping beauty,
resting oh so peacefully,
rosy red lips,
long lash tips,
a darling doll,
out like a light,
with this in her drink,
there will be no fight.
After the fact,
She prowls her home, always on guard
Forever weary of intruders, of invaders, of men coming inside.
Remembering the one she had foolishly let in
So long ago now, but far too soon to forget. Always too soon to forget
No words could explain,
how I felt all this time.
All the pain and suffering that
became violence and discontent.
Nothing could be done,
no one could compare.
To the hurt and loneliness I felt.
Hey there old friend. Maybe friend isn’t the correct term, so allow me to rephrase. Hello old habit. You and me were best friends. We were the Thelma and Louise of our time and yes we flew over the cliff and plunged into the abyss.
My father loved a lot of girls
He has the kindest heart
But he fell in love with a certain girl
Who tore his life apart
She went by many names
I liked not a single one
During the night I lie awake and pray;
The moment is something I won’t forget,
Will the pain today ever go away?
The process leaves me in complete dismay,
bus number 32 takes you to bus number 19
which takes you to your house.
bus number 17 doesn't exist, but
maybe that's why you know it'll take you home.
"Shh...
forget the outside
just focus on me.
Come on.
Look.
Aww, don't you worry..."
Crazy, psycho, unreal
little vile parasite.
Of course you are not perfect,
but why do you fret?
There are many more important reasons
to find yourself upset.
You could be greedy, coniving, full of deceit,
turning a blind eye
They say love is using your first name in the poems that I wrote.
I guess it was never love because I could hardly say your name without a hesitation in my voice.
My stomach churns when I remember how you touched my skin
squeezing my rib cage
gripping my hips so hard you leave finger prints
teeth marks on my breasts nearly breaking the skin
Every time I get my heart broken I cut my hair. I want to cut off inches upon inches, rid my scalp of the hurtful hands that ran through my hair, every playful stroke and every aggressive pull will be erased.
If my body was a tree,
I would have spend half my life trying to chop my very self down.
Please forgive me for what I have done,
This weight on my chest weighs a ton.
The life I have I fearfully regret,
But what I've done I'll never forget.
My arms are scarred here and there,
All the noise in my headseems like only a few pills will stop it deadthey`ll kill that shitbut send me right back to the skidswhere your clothes, shoes and skin dont fit
Some days you are a puddle
barely rippling
in the steady breeze,
broken on the edges
where cracks took you away.
These times you will feel defeated,
I write because
if I didn’t
you’d find me dead with
a pen by my side.
I try to break free
from the bones that control me,
The first time I heard of anorexia
I was eleven years old.
A girl in my class had passed out in the lunch line because she was starving herself.
The ironic thing was,
She was about to buy an ice cream desert.
Sometimes I think, I think a lot. I’ve never had a moment without melancholy thought.
I ask what it’s like to die, or how one could do it.
I think about life, and how I’ll get through it.
Where was I a year ago?
In a place I could not seem to let go.
With a person I could not learn to unlove
with a body I couldn't stand to touch.
January was colder than I've ever been before
My sad old friend
visits so often
and years ago she came to stay
We grew fond of the dark
inspired by tears
I'd grow anxious when she was away
My dark lovely friend
sits in my image
I don't remember how it began. I don't remember exactly when it started; whether it was back in fifth grade or freshman year.
i convince myself of awful things. i deserve this. i deserve to be miserable. happiness isn’t for me.
White pillows, beeping, a rush of fluids in my arm. Oblivion.
It is the dawning of a new year, but I am stranded
In this room, awaiting the sentence, the doom, the judgment.
They put me down and replaced me.
When you went away,
I dreamt of the sun drenched mornings we spent together,
and I thought of the smell of the sea in your wet hair and the glint of sand on your skin as I watched you drive us home,
There are powerful men, who are capable of powerful things
They can be corrupted, liberated, forged, or born…
Liberated, corrupted, forged, or born…
Born, corrupted, forged, or liberated…
It doesn’t make any sense,
June 21, 2015i remember when the phone rang at the ungodly hour of three in the morningyou started screamingunholy words dripping from your deranged brain filled with thoughts of hatred and sorrow
i see A New year forming and i anXiously find myself lookIng back on two thousand sixtEen seeing where i mighT trY to grow.
iT seems as if we oveRestImatE how much our minDs can handle,
“yeah, I used to get panic attacks myself.” my ease surprises me. I’m relaxed, not like the calm before a storm when havoc is about to wreak. just calm. no storm.
today is the day i learn acceptance
i learn to tame the ferocious beasts inside me
not by beating them into submission, or leaving them in cages
until i hope they starve or wither or grow old and die
A small, quiet sadness found its way into my chest
I soon watched myself become even more depressed.
A companion to the sadness very soon came around
Anxiety covered my mouth and induced another breakdown.
I don't know why this happens to me,
I don't know why I fucking bleed.
You hold the knife so close and tight,
I scream and yell throughout the night.
You sleep peacefully safe and sound,
When I was 13 I wanted to be dead. It was the year I told about the abuse. I finally stood up for six year old me and suddenly I was the bad guy because of it.
look down
up
not good enough
your thighs too flabby
stomach always overstuffed
an apple for lunch
see it's not so tough
good
don’t you feel better now?
look down
Echoes bouncing off the walls from your tongueWhispers dance across your teeth, you are youngThe muscles flex in your face, next to your lips, a smileA feeling grows deep within me, my heart beats wild
theres a beautiful silence hereas eyes droop and ears mufflesomething courses throughyour body, unexpectedbut gorgeous, warmed from the inside outclosing old wounds knitting together broken hearts
freshman year of college,
i find a cockroach hiding
behind a picture on my desk.
it scuttles away
before i can reach for the roach spray.
after that, i see it every day -
i walk into my room and
"You need to eat more"
"You are too thin"
Man, if it was that easy,
then this disease I would win.
I am well aware of my eating disorder
I am well aware my life is not in order
However,
"You need to eat more"
"You are too thin"
Man, if it was that easy,
then this disease I would win.
I am well aware of my eating disorder
I am well aware my life is not in order
However,
This is a poem for the unbeliever
The unbeliever’s name is me.
//
You are broken.
Broken heart, broken faith, broken head.
It’s okay to be broken.
You are a keeper of trauma.
It began with the eagerness of hope,
the longing, burning, raging need to reach
the unattainable—that gift which I
never thought I would call my own. There were
scars still, written across my arms like a
A year ago today
The end of October
A happy girl stood on a scale and saw the number had dropped
Joy filled her!
Soon she had to buy all new jeans because all of hers were to big
Size 8! Isn't that great!
Pessimism creeped through every crevice of my soul
constantly my head was down negativity had a hold,
My mind was a whirlwind of emotions
spiraling so deep as if I conceived the ocean,
Dreary clouds spread across the skyThe weather reminds you of a recent goodbye Rain is streaming down the window panesYour face is covered in tear stains
Happiness
Fake smiles
Fake laugh
Fake happy
Fake
Negative/Negative/Negative
No,
Nephews hugging me
Parents hugging me
Sisters hugging me
Friends hugging me
Why is it that the more recovered I think I am,
The happier I seem,
The more I smile,
The more open I am...
Why is it that, inside, things might just be getting worse?
It's a trick,
Red, the colour of your racing blood when you first meet her
Orange, the colour of the risk you're taking to be with her
Yellow, the colour of your joy when you're with her
In 2013, we heard she had cancer,
Unfortunately, there was no answer.
However, her life was so rich and so pure,
we knew that we had to find her a cure.
We started looking, "We have to find something,"
Drugs cannot harm you
Every drug needs a catalyst and that catalyst is you
What were you thinking
when you were drinking
Did you see the bottle as the enemy?
Or yourself
Every human can be a superhero
I was stopped by a man in a room made of gold
He sat and told me his life story
yet he couldn't look me in the eyes
as he called me beautiful
We were both looking for "God" in all the wrong places
In this life, I will die a thousand times over.
I've learned the sun doesn't wait for me, and it doesn't wait for you,
and that's okay
We can watch the stars together in the meantime
My owner wants me to play catch
So he keeps throwing his pretty frisbee my way
The frisbee may be pretty, but I want to chase my tail
Red
Blood of friends lost to hate
Passion for what she can create
From the hurt of being too late
At least that wasn’t her fate
Starting with a simple word, creating sentences into rhymes
a neverending pattern that must be followed with a solidarity of sadness.
Words flowing from my brain onto the paper,
Image by Ted Pim
Daddy, why’s mommy crying? Daddy, why’s mommy locked in her room? Daddy, where’d mommy go?
“Mommy’s feeling sad today, feeling tired today; mommy’s going away for a while.
The butterflies will soon turn to ashes, to just an empty feeling inside,
You stare in the mirror.
"Take the blade," he whispers.
"do it, just one cut. No one's stopping you."
One cut, two.
Nighttime has always been a home for me.
I would linger in my thoughts late into the night,
having some time where everything felt possible.
Time where I was the only voice running through my head.
Bones poking
potruding, prodding
pride? how does this belong
looking in the mirror I feel disgust
but not from the bones
from the skin
how can i not see the horror
It feels like a dream.
...
I was a separate person back then.
...
I can't see the scars anymore.
...
I know I am a different person now.
...
Image by Vesna Kittelson
"Halt, friend.
Trouble not their moments passing
Death hath kissed their fellow gone
And now they have but not left
For it is here they wander on Earth
Part One:I am a destroyerDestroy herDestroy himDestroy them
Destroyer of worlds of multifarious dimensions.
What? No
I want to feel unchained
What? No
I want to breathe free
What? No
This isn't fair
I want to live
I want to care
Please don't do this again
Wrinkled edges and dog-eared pages,
Smudges from the swift stroke of a careless hand ―
Crispy remnants of a poem spaghetti-stained
I became a poet when I was born
I became an artist when I died
Putting ink to the paper
helped me feel what was inside
As a babe I saw everything around me
I'd lose sleep so as not to miss a thing
I mold shapes into
sounds, visions, concepts, phantoms
with that intimate touch
of the soul kneading words.
I began with bulky building blocks
under the guidence of a sixth grade teacher.
What if I told you that poets were overrated?
Someone who can only write when they’re sad,
Or in love or in bliss or in need of desperate rent money,
Is like a flower that only drinks from a tsunami.
In the abyss
a crevice of black
I curl my neck
ready to attack
With inked rapiers
in my claws
I slash and stab
hoping for renewal
Half awake
my sore back sprouts
I do not wish to stare
Out of this Plexiglass window that shouts my name, taunts me.
Yet it refuses
To let me leave this world.
My trembling, tired fingers
Reach for some source of life--
unhappiness
the struggle to go about your daily life
without experiencing desire for
the end
not a mindset--a plague
and then, a means of escape
one small way to express it
Gazing at the sad sorrowed remains
of what once was a person.
Now finding beauty in destruction
theres no chance of being saved.
Ink starting to flow out
like the tears that burned my face
I kept
Looking back
For a familiar
Face and voice
That smiled
And cheered me on
It hurt for so long
When I looked back
To see hesitance
And eyes looked away
It pained me
It's okay little girl it'll be alright,One day those bullies won't make you cry.It's okay little girl it'll be alright,One day those rumors won't fly in the sky.It's okay little girl it'll be alright,Your mom'll always be there to hold you tight.I
How can something be so refreshing,
Yet so draining?
An escape,
Yet a prison?
Monsters under the bed.
Monsters in my head.
Her wrists tell a story
of a damsel in distress.
A princess with her head held high
and tears in her dress.
All the frogs she’s kissed
Do you
Ever feel
Like you're
Drowning
Like the
Sun
Has stopped
Shining
Do you ever
Feel the darkness
Eat away at you
All the while
Everything
Breaths puff out
In the cold chilly air
Frost dies underneath
And you don't care
You try to breathe
You lift your feet
To take a step
On that very long
Staircase
And you're gone
It's gone
It's past
It won't come back
It's dead
It's faded
There's a crack
In what once was
But now isn't
Anymore
It was open
But now
The door
Is closed
Beautiful lies
But once it turns
Into truth
It's ugly
And painful
I trusted you
With my bare heart
And even though
I gave support
And encouragement
When I prayed
Ever so still
Breathing slowly
In and out
But nothing
At all
Seems to come
From your heart
Icy frozen
Deep inside
Nothing breaks
The hard shell
Inside is air
A sigh escapes
Heart growing cold
Tears squeezed out
But nothing matters
Not at the moment
Everything is gone
Your life is a lie
Or so it seems
But no energy
Is left behind
Sometimes I forget.And oh the bliss that comes along withthese moments of unforeseen abstraction.The bliss that helps me
It calls to me
As my thoughts run fast.
It calls to me
And I can't hold back.
It's there for me
When my heart feels cold.
It's there for me
And my lonely soul.
It's always there
Anxiety, depression,
An undiagnosed disease.
Hiding under smiles and laughs
So nobody saw me.
Twelve years-old and so confused
By the media displays.
I tried to be just like them
Liquid crystal, a crystal harder and more beautiful than any diamond.
The smell or iron filled her nose,
The thin red lines inflating like small red balloons,
The pain tasted like immature bitter melon,
The old wooden door creaked as it opened
And it reminded me of the sound of my bones.
While I watched you walk in
My knees shook, almost as much as my hands, as I listened to the only sound I could hear:
I show up at the farm,
my home in Morocco for the next 3 weeks.
Terrified.
In the moment that I met her,
When I was young I hated the summer
Sweat, tight clothes, overflowing out of stiff shorts
Sucking in, holding my breath
Standing up stiff and straight- I couldn't wait to be underwater
Where no one could see me
To you, mom, I think depression is not understanding.
It’s not hearing me when I cry silently at dinner, but instead, reprimanding.
Me? It’s not my fault, see, I hold back my breaths, I keep it in
They ask me what I could never do without
and I am tempted to say a name or a place
But I realize now what I could not survive without
I was the one
Who broke the vase
All its pieces
Shattered on the floor
And so I’m sorry
That you had to pick them up
And sort through the ruins
One by one
Christina Rossetti said it best when
She said, “There is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather;” it’s true, I
Think, so sit down and relax, dear list’ner,
As I describe my kind and brave sister.
With two fingers down my throat I taste only shame as I imagine myself with a negative 2 inch waist and a gap between my legs that could've gone on for a mile and I envision the boned creature that dances in the darkest corners of my mind parading
No more bad thoughts its gota stopBe positive and grateful for all I've gotNo more mental breakdowns keep it togetherI cant be mentally unstable for everIts the start of a new beginning today
Today
Today I started up the set of thirteen stairs it takes to get to my room,
But I was too weak so I stopped at the sixth step,
Sat down,
And caught my breath how many days, had it been?
Today
For many men will chase the skies, but few will ever find them
A mortal man will morph his guise, and his darkness shall consume him.
Searching for a heaven here hurts many unforgotten
The wind rushed quietly as I made my way down the backroads of my small town
Picking up speed, cruising as if there was all the time in the world
The sky was a lilac blanket, quiet and still
I can’t do this he doubtedI can’t do this he shoutedLetting out all his fear and anxietyA bubbling mess of insecurity and sobrietySwirling aroundAnd around
They told me I tend to write about pretty depressing topics,
Well that seems to happen when you’re depressed yourself, but I digress
There are times
Times of happiness and times of joy. Moments that I feel like the sun.
But you can't look at the sun.
The sun
It shines so endlessly, affecting everyone it touches
2002. I’m seven years old and scared as hell
To make a sound
I start to weep and plead with her
Please, please not Emily
Mother lives a simple life,
Stay at home mom,
Stay at home wife.
Two little girls,
Ages 9 and 13,
Filled with love,
And filled with dreams.
Mother fulfills all of our needs,
Here you are
A hole in my heart
Waiting for the gum
To fill up inside
Friendly fire
In the game of hearts
In your hand, there is a spot
In the middle of your palm
Where my heart sits
While you can squeeze
I been on a hot streak to run my life to a place much to bleak....
Took a pit stop at the corner of depression and despair.....
A place much to familiar, god knows Ive already been there....
Living life on life's terms now that takes some courage. Things will come and things will go, but every time I get back up my soul will still grow.
Image by Moses L. Garcia
Blackness, blackness
Swallow me whole
The tears have not come yet
But they will soon be here
The raw, the hurt
In this darkness
Dimly lit
stop - release my eyes, so frail,from yours which cease to careand my misery, so deeply entailed,from my soul, running cold with despair.
You always told me I reminded you of red roses
And suddenly I’m nine years old
Dirtying my favorite white dress in a garden I’d sneak out to
Picking petals off of sunflowers
My chest is caving in,
But there's nothing besides the weight of a t-shirt
Against my skin,
Yet my chest is heavy.
And I must have been impaled with a bullet
Because there's blood draining from my heart,
Lately
I have had the urge
to draw -
to write -
make beauty in words
or colours -
but not in lines.
This desire, I think, emerged
out of surreality
and inspiration for poetry
They tell me that I'm "glowing" and all I can reply,
Is "thank you" with a great big smile,
I once was young and filled with hope
Because I did not understand,
That life is like a length of rope
Contemplated between my hands.
I am the girl who never seemed to be alone in the halls
I am the stranger with the goofy smile that you remember in your freshman class
I’ve always had confidence problems.
People didn’t cause it.
I guess that I am a perfectionist.
I wanted that stereotypical Barbie body.
Small, Tan, Tall, and perfect.
I became unhealthy.
There is beauty
in everything
in life, in death, in whatever comes before
but beauty mostly resides
inside of a heart
If I don't know where I'm from, you ask, how will I know where I'm going?
Fair enough.
Here's my best answer:
I am from a little boy crying because I turned his amoeba of green paint into a t-rex.
My name sounds better
coming from your lips.
The way you
draw
out
the syllables and vowels in my name.
It sounds new and magical.
I
am made new.
No longer
I was a cosmic swirl
stumbling blindly towards the sun,
my dreamcatcher hands coming undone.
I was anxiety assaulted.
Between all that I was, I bacame.
I now know what I am.
Come home my sister,
Come home my brother;
Let these dark days be over,
And light shine upon the pathway
That carries you on its back,
To the warming house you know.
A cloaked figure shadows,
Have you inadvertently deleted vital files from your SD card? If your cam device or phone has an SD card, of course you wish to guarantee they remain safe all the time.
How can I go creeping
Barefoot in the snow?
How can I love so deeply,
Someone I do not know?
There is beauty that I find
In your smile, in your eyes
In the tears while you cry
In a time that seems not that long ago, I wandered in the darkness.
Life had finally came over me like a blanket of stress and pain,
causing my very being to grow angry and hateful towards the world.
Darkened is the mind's vision when grievingCrawling about, looking for luster.Unsure of your purpose, you tryand mend the pieces-- clingingto the fragile ideaof logic, reason.Vision finite
There was a time when, she felt helpless.
Her sadness was known, all over town.
Her heart turned cold, laughs were forced.
Until the day, she finally woke up.
Finally her dull grey eyes, went back to crystal blue.
earliest rays find the absent spaces, to peak in a window pane
eyelids fight the disruptive rays, but bouncing signals in the brain awake
ghosts departe, the darkness dispersing in primitive light
Now, I can see. I can see myself, now,
The way you always seemed to see me:
Down on my knees, head touching the ground.
My friends never wanted to be me.
But, as I walk, now, head out of the clouds,
Official diagnosis: Anxiety and Depression
In Kindergarten terms, that means
My brain won’t shut off
And sometimes I can’t remember
How to be happy
It means that when I get home at night
Can't youcan't you seeI got a dreamjust to beme, myself, and ICan't youcan't you knowI am alivelivingto get by
Time after time I've turned to you
Time after time you you held me up
Time after time you tore me down
Time after time you brought me back up
You broke me, you built me
You killed me, you revived me
It was by chance I stumbled
into the fierce lions terrain
and he looks like all the rest
with large claws, sharp teeth, and his mane
Instinct readied my legs to run
My sun-kissed hands wrap around this warm, steaming mug.
Bringing this mug to my eager pink lips,
let’s raise our glassesforrejected lovebad memoriesand the failuresfrom years agoif not for themwe wouldn’t knowhow to fixthe crackshow to dragone foot
I feel the sylables
Nesting within my breast
Effectively avoiding spillage
Emptied from my clenched lips
Destroying the illusion
Held of prefection
Enclosing the unspoken
take my hand and set me free,
from this dream of you and me.
Promise me one simple thing,
but where to start, where to begin?
maybe a hello,
or maybe goodbye
maybe some simple question,
As I look for my new spiral notebook in the morning
I see this old spiral notebook
the yellow spiral notebook
before that yellow spiral notebook,
there were many spiral notebooks
2012
I am the subject of a tragedy.
My dark brown eyes look down to hide the pain.
The frown upon my lips urges you to turn away from me.
I flinch at your affection, because I've seen 'love' hurt people.
This is for the moment you realize you’ve stopped screaming
I can’t remember the last time I cried,but I can remember the feelingof an empty chest. Seven in the morning
I remember when I used to show you pictures of deprived girls,
With ribs that protruded like the fingers of a rake
And you’d give me this dumb look and say things like,
“That’s a little unrealistic, don’t you think?”
What is my purpose in this world?
To take up space,
to be a filler in an empty place.
The idea of existence has always been confusing,
Am I here to succeed?
Or will I end up losing?
People talk about me and it used to bother me
they said I was annoying
they said I was loud
and weird
A six year old girl ran to the bathroom
And stretched Scotch tape from her eyes to her ears
To make herself as pretty as girls society consumes
To hide her insecurities, and fears
Pills two of them to be exact.
They’re the same, but together they’re a stronger dose.
Together they calm down a savage mind like mine.
Helping to realign the dominos of thought in my head.
How can you miss someone who was never physically there
Never felt their touched or the texture of their hair
Never held their hand or kissed their lips
Yet they seem to be the only person you miss
And so I sit here, reminding myself
Of every reason I should not pick up that knife
And how things will only get worse if I do.
It is not the action I seek,
It is the results
The burning white of the pain
Have you ever fought yourself?
Have you ever been so revolted by your own will that
Air clenched in your throat and a weight
was driven down on your chest?
My fingers are faucets
Fixtures that connect my soul to the materials I use to express it
An outlet for the words that hide just under the skin,
Scared of judgment
Must resist
The urge to
Binge and purge.
Food faced mouth
To toilet
Bowl feeder.
Overcome
The old me
To become
A brand new girl.
Who am I without a filter?
For the past four yeasrs, I haven't had an answer to that question
I've spent so long trying to become littler
I've tried to disappear which is something I probably should mention
Eyes hold lies
Ears hold lies
It is not only the mouth that holds lies
Whatever you're seeing is wrong, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
Whatever you're hearing is wrong, YOU'RE WORTHY
They are telling me not to movetoo quickly, to be very careful,like I never have been before.But every time I look at youI think, my god, oh my god,I'm glad that blade was too dull.
I stay the same underneath,
What my selfie seems to be.
Whether on or offline
My smile stays the same.
I am the player,
And Instagram's the game.
Underneath the clothes and shining light.
She isn't hopeless
She isn't worthless
She isn't mediocre
She isn't ugly
She isn't alone
She knows this.
She feels hate
She feels shame
She feels guilt
She feels regret
She sits alone,No one be told,She’s right there,Dying to be held,To be shown a new way,Living past a life of shame,It seems like a game,Noone stays,Pain craves,Inside and Out,
every time it touches me it
feels so real, but when it's gone
i keep doubting myself and life becomes a
game of was-it-real-was-it-not and
i'm so damn tired of second-guessing myself,
i can still hear its
voice, saccharine and cloying, telling me
you worthless girl
they'd be better off without you
you're just a burden
(a burden)
(burden)
You're just killing yourself.
Your eyes grow more dim,
the night flooding your vision.
Your mouth speaks of things
only said when lust kisses your lips.
Your mind retreats to the darkest corners
In my senior year, I took my final high school English class.
Advanced compostion.
We were told in this packet in the mail a week before school started that we'd read a lot
And write a lot.
when I wrote the things about myself I liked,
I was in a different stage of recovering.
A stage in which I could not,
would not, refused to see beauty beneath the surface.
And maybe that was wrong.
Up, up, and away searching for that thrill,
Don't know where to find it relying on the pills.
All I need is one more high to get me through my day,
Oops here we are again huffing on spray paint.
If you take a look at me, with my piercings, my unnatural hair that feels more natural than the mousey brown I was born with, you can guess
Behind all the filters,
my pictures hold natural beauty.
Behind the makeup and touch-ups,
I have freckles that engulf my face.
Behind the smiles,
I hold back years worth of overcome struggles
Numbers that hurt, numbers that judge
Like digits on scale, marks on tape
Sewn on a tag, printed on a sticker
Numbers we hide, that we dare not share.
But numbers with pride, numbers we earn
She may not be the very definition of beauty but her self-restrained chaos unravels all connotations of the word.
She’s more than a number, more than a status.
In a world of never ending can’ts, won’ts, shouldn’ts,
I am a goddess
I am fierceI am flawlessI am strongI am passionateI am courageousI am powerfulI am a goddess
I dreamt that I was witnessing a war
Not in full action
But of its ancient history
Looking at the artifacts of someone else's life
Wondering who'd they'd been
Where they'd walked
They said that recovery was an uphill battle -
I have never before trecked up a twisted slope for so long.
I figured my frustration and fear - of weight, of fat, of feeling bad -
When I was eight,
I ate fourteen times a day.
Whatever I wanted, because
I wanted it.
Because food
was my friend.
When I turned thirteen,
food became to me,
Broken home, a broken promise, broken bottle of green tinted glassStayed up late to watch over you, now I’m dozing off in class
There I was
another day
spent counting miles
subtracting calories
calculating deficits.
Run, run to look good, run to look pretty, run so boys will like you.
The mirror is my enemy.
It shows me who I don’t want to be.
Pale skin. Wilting.
Powder hides the shadows
Hollow. Empty.
How did I get this far?
Starving. Alone.
Little girl stood strong and free,
With her head held high,
And her eye in the sky,
But little girl is different from you and me.
Little girl used to run and play,
She had friends by her side,
No secrets would she hide,
But soon little girl began...
i thought you were my heart
i thought you were the one
whom i can trust
whom i can love
whom i can share my secrets, my desires, my dreams, my life, & the love i had for you
I have many scarsI used to say I had more scars than friendsThey were better friends at timesAlways there for meAnd my blade there to provide a quick cold kissReminding me I was alive
Save me from the surroundings, which are crawling upon me
Don’t turn around and walk away when I’m falling on the ground
Screams get louder and louder busting my eardrums from the inside
Who am I?
A question even I don't know,
For this face I do deny,
And body try to hide,
This mask as my disguise,
Every mirror will catch my eye,
To eat I have to try,
Anorexia.
Hush, it’s okay
There’s no need to take a peek.
What are you doing, trying to look in so deep?
Do you wish to be clawed at, do you wish to be scorned?
Are we so irreparably broken ? has the sunlight been torn out of our souls to be smothered with darkness ? we are shadows, ghosts of wo we once pretended to be .
Let’s not romanticize high school love.
You’re not Romeo, no matter what you think.
In fact, I’d hope you’re better.
I hope.
I think that I’m better, I think.
Even though she broke my heart.
" i just don't have the proper training to deal with your...condition...i hope you understand."
i nod, because yes, i do understand.
i understand that when you look at the scars on my thigh and ankle, you get chills
You grab my hand in prayer.
Theres surrender in your eyes,
even though they're closed.
These are the cards we're dealt,
they were never chose...
I remind you of your strength,
even in your weakness.
A dream:Alive, wind skimming my faceOxygen ripening within my lungsI am outsideRunning among the lives of everyoneThe world, a reverse cementary People, not yet in loving memoryBut in living memory
lights, camera, action, green screen, Steven Spielberg special effects this set up is more complex than anything you’ll find up in Hollywood
There is no time for stage fright the cameras here are always rolling
I'm just another
double digit age
with
triple digit scars
I rolled up my sleeves and chased a dream
I crept through the halls;
head down, bones protruding from my flesh;
admiring those who have not been consumed
by this angst I had burning inside of me.
For years,
I hid behind glasses of water
You would think someone with a disease would have problems in school such as socializing or generally fitting in. Growing up down south and moving to New York city was a huge change for me.
It's two a.m.
And basically I'm longing to dream again
I'll have my lusts when I awake
But when I close my eyes, I have nightmares that
I can
Not shake
And I remember running
There's a home in my head
Less of a house, more of a shack
It has me pounding on the walls
Knuckles and plaster start to crack
And as I'm bleeding from my hands
At the hand of your words
I woke up on a dirty mattress on the floor of a friends house. It's my 16th birthday. A huge milestone in a young persons life.
Black.
It covers the imperfections and the happiness and the loneliness.
A cold walk through the city park.
You're tripping over your feet again.
The worlds a stage and we are just mere actors, But the stage is too large, the lights to bright The audience won’t like us if we aren't just right Just the right amount of funny, pretty, smart, kind We panic under the pressure but it’s all just
You see that person sitting alone?
That person hiding pain behind a smile?
Had you even looked into their file
Would you not have seen the suffering?
Would you not understand?
You see that person?
My stomach twists and turns,
the tears flow
and my tired eyes burn.
i bite my lip and choke back the sob,
i'm hiding this pain,
but something's wrong...
it's just another lonely night,
I sit quietly ignoring the pain, but she whispers to me. I try to eat, but she whispers to me. I try to laugh and almost succeed, but she whispers to me.
What is she whispering?
Hate. Slander. Lies.
Ribbons wide
Ribbons red
Ribbons running 'cross the bed.
Ribbons long.
Ribbons short.
Ribbons reaching for your heart.
Ribbons old.
Ribbons new.
There is no darkness
There are no lights
There is no blackness,
only white.
There is no future
without a past
And all my wounds,
will never last.
I have been gone too long,
living in the past.
Trapped by all the mistakes,
I have ever made.
Remembering everytime,
I let someone down.
But it is time to move on,
Silence
Oh Silence,
My hushed homeland hide-out
a gem
rarely unearthed
main supporter when all is wrong
When all words fail
Silence
10
20
50
200
They add up
And I know
Subconsciously calculating
I can feel them
Growing
The food goes in
And I feel it weigh me down
200
50
20
Feeling alone and cast off tears flow
Black eyeliner stains my pale face
I turn to my best of friends
The straight edge razor blade
Maybe you fall down sometimes
Maybe the voices speak up again
Maybe you get lost easily
Maybe you don’t have to have everything figured out
Maybe…
Maybe some days are harder than others
Let me tell you what bullying is
Bullying is mean words that get under your skin
And the only way to get them out is
By tearing open your arms and legs and extracting them
For yearsI refused to let anyone in -
in the walls I have built up around me
. Walls as cold as stone and hard as concrete. Walls that surrounded my heart so I wouldn't get hurt;
9 Years.
Nine years of life lived from a toilet bowl
Watching myself fade into virtual nothingness
While people praised my virtual body
Pieced together from years of purging in toilet stalls.
I have an associates degree at eighteen
but I haven't made it , to everybody else my goals are just... dreams
just because i have a limp, i have no potencial it... seems
on top of that im Mexican with a love for hip hop,
i am covered in scars
tiney white and purple lines cover my wrists
and my thighs and
my upper arms
and my stomach and
sometimes i can still imagine the blood drips
but i have escaped.
Dear Person Who Deserves to Die a Fiery Death While Simultaneously Being Eating By a Shark,
You say this pain is my fault
that i put this gapeing hole in my chest
when all i tryed to do was set you free
from your monster inside
i put myself in harms way over and over again
i tryed to help
You came to me,
like a snowflake falling from the sky,
drifting until you found your way.
Your smile was like a fire,
it sparked in me and made me want to ignite it everyday.
They don’t teach you not to be small.I’ve been in a million classrooms that teach us not to get too big and make sure we exercise enough.Never have I heard, “Don’t get too small.”
I wonder what it’s like to go through the death of a loved one. A lifelong friend, a sibling, a parent, a lover. One day here, the next gone. Maybe there were warning signs, maybe there were none.
It was always either too hot or too cold in her troubled mind.
And no amount of tossing or turning could ever
tucker her out enough for her to tuck her self in,
at night her mind was a race car that never ran out of gas,
I don't like it.
Not at all, I don't appreciate this.
This immense hatred, and dislike.
That is all towards me.
Why? I must ask why...
Why am I the target, of all,
Your hatred?
Thirty Thousand two hundred forty minutes,
The length of five hundred and four hours,
A total of twenty-one days,
Three weeks yet a lifetime.
The shiny hardwood floor smells of my biggest dreams.
Had a lot of disappointment in my life,
not graduating tops it,
I cry a million times,
but who hears me,
It does not matter how many times I clear my mind,
it always seems to come back,
Behind my eyes lies a soul that has been hurt.
Repeatedly.
Time and time again.
Behind my smile is a tongue that has said many words.
It’s the kind of grief
That hurts all over,
A tight ball in your chest
That loosens with each sob.
But the sobs never stop
And neither does the pain
That encompasses your body
Sometimes life's a bitch. You practice for something over and over. It's Practice, Practice, PRACTICE! But even then it's not enough. I didn't make it. People always say there's next year. What do you know?!
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"
why does she starve herself?
you're fat
those are just words
why does she hate what she sees in the mirror?
you're ugly
My self infliction makes me second guess my so-called addiction
Eeleven stiches to match my eyes, they heard my cries
When I was in a denial of my proclaimed suicidal state of mind
And on my arm the devil signed
An overwhelming year
I graduate highschool then I enter college, indescribable fear
I'm leaving my dear friends behind as I encounter new ones
All these thoughts invade my mind, art in my head, the Renaissance
How long has it been?
I forget with the flashes of light and sounds that pass through me
like rain through the clouds
five
ten years
a smile seems to mark its territory across my face
Waiting
For my knight in shining armor,
For my superhero sister,
For one true friend.
Wishing
For the world to fall from my shoulders,
For the chance to dance again,
For a single golden laugh.
Unicorn and Dragon,
Water to heal,
Soul refreshed.
Girly,
Childish,
But so beautiful.
This
Lurked within me
This
Let me heal.
There's a crime that's stuck inside my mind
A life built on this crooked line
I'm lost in these innocent times
My cries are unheard
My destination is absurd
So many crowding around my room
Healthy girls wanting to be my size
they aren't happy
they have voices in their heads telling them to eat this an eat that
that's why they are fat
they always complain and it's not a game
Disappointment. Anger. Sadness. Fear. I'm afraid. Some days are easier than others. Some days it feels like ropes are pulling me into the ground, and I don't have the strength to resist, so I just sleep. Some days my heart feels heavy.
Beautiful darling,
Don't hurt yourself, I need you
You deserve love, babe
One-of-a-kind soul,
Don't drag that blade across you
I care about you
You're a lovely girl
There was a time where ive been thought it all,
Up and down the streets were graffiti up the wall,
On my own from the age of five,
Some way some how i had to find a way to survive,
i looked for Him
in the silver strands braided in my grandmothers hair.
i looked for Him
in the brown crunchy leaves on the ground in the fall.
i looked for Him
this is not normal.
waking up at 3 pm, crying in the shower, bruises on your wrists, silences that last for days.
(i am not okay.)
blood spots beneath white paper thin skin
i never had your heart, you never placed it in my hands.
but i just want you to know that i could handle it.
not that you'd ever decide i'm strong enough to, but just in case you ever wondered.
“we aren’t even blood related but i thought maybe you could look past that and see my heart.
i just wanted you to see my pain, see all the darkness.
just for one minute, for one hour, for one day.
I'm finally going to fill up the pages of my life.
No more blanks. No more hesitation to fill in the spaces
with bold, deliberate strokes.
I'm going to be able to focus again
When my grandmother first said “those” three words to my grandfather,
she said them by tossing a pinch of salt over her shoulder at their wedding.
When I first really said them, they were to myself as an apology
You there.
Yes, I mean you.
Whatever you've been told is wrong.
When the voices without faces blare through your skull,
yet you can only think of the faces without voices,
Dark shadows underneath those
frosty blue eyes,
smudged with jet black mascara
from a long, hollow night.
The wind blows relentlessly,
the world is still asleep as you
trudge the streets that
Happiness
Anger
Love
Hate
Presence
Absence
Prompt
Late
Pride
Embarrassment
Confidence
Worry
Ignore
Obsess
Delay
"Your ears are the ocean,"
my friend said,
and I imagined the wash of waves
erasing the auditory footsteps
hanging like fading dreams
in the clear morning light of the seashore.
Some need to change how they fulfill their life. Live life. Love it. Do not waste it. I wish they would understand life is a river that will meet waterfalls sometimes.
Oh what would I possibly do
and who on earth would I be,
if for just one tiny moment
Scars do not mean that the pain is over
Healing deprives me of strength
Ubiquitous flashbacks of the good times
Mingling with frustration, despair and longing
I’ve been trying to retaliate
Sometimes I feel loneliness in my soul, loneliness that even with people around me it can’t be removed
A loneliness that I have since December
Not even with the funniest joke will this great solitude purge.
Today is today, I mean that's what everyone says. But today is the day that I hide , in the shadows, faces of you are revealed in my sight. I'm afraid to ever walk in those steel doors, because with me you have no insight.
#1– O/S:
Your mismatched eyes are so beautiful.
– One of glowing umber, as bright as the fantasy of Neverland,
They say that over thinking kills the mind.
Too young to stress but yet stress about grown folks "problems "
I can't write anything on paper without two little people. On my shoulder debating about who's right. I am afraid.
listen to me wen i say
that im done
its over
i need it to be over
listen to me when i say
that im ready to try
im ready for this to end
listen to me when i say
My body is so tired,
but my mind can find no rest.
I lie awake at the darkest hours,
fighting the demons in my head.
They poke and prod
at my skin
as I wander the earth
I can taste it
no feel it
the warm, crimson colored liquid as it seeped out of my flesh
ahhh FRESH
but as the darkness devours me all I can
think of,
see,
is
you.....
clickclickclickclick
goes the key board as i sip my morning tea.
Spiling, gushing ,spewng my deepest trauma and heatache.
My therapy, your guilty pleasure.
The best job, if you ask me, is that of a writer.
Behind an OT’s door,Your journey will begin,Where an Occupational Therapist’s goalis to give back your independency again.They will be there with youevery step of the way,
You are my past.
So why do I fear you?
For taking my innocence.
For taking my confidence.
For making me afraid of every man that comes near.
You are their past.
So why do they fear you?
You ask what I would change about things in my life, today. Why does the world listen to the media and accept what they say? Why doesn’t internal beauty matter to us more than external looks?
ahe looked at her scars, her bracelets and then
she told herself "ill never need them again"
she picked up the razor and aimed at her wrist
but something peculiar haooened; she missed.
Sometimes it feels your mind has only just wandered,
And suddenly all your good thoughts have been squandered.
Out of no where everything is tainted black,
Imagine what it would feel like:
Over, done, sinking, falling.
Imagine what it would sound like:
I once was
A girl caged in lonliness; living nightmare
The devil on my back
Crawled in my head
Diseases, diseasesKeep me with Jesus.
My name's not punk,Nor am I junk.To give you a start,I have my own heart.
Why must we try,
on something that'll never work?
If just looking at me is painful,
Why even try?
If there is no rhym
nor reason,
then what's the point?
what's there to say?
¡Qué refrescante acaba de ser dicha bebida!
Una figura cilíndrica que posee unos colores tan vivos
que es extremadamente llamativa a cualquiera que pasa enseguida de ella.
she lived through pitch blackness
she held siccors to her stomach for hours on end
she held bottles of bleach in her hands
her tears silently falling as she tried bringing it up to her lips
what is worse
feeling sad, lonely, worthless, ugly, horrible...
or feeling nothing at all?
i told myself i was recovering
this is recovery
but a little part of me is saying that this is not recovery
The depth of it all, the rise and the fall. Room 116A, just making sure I'm okay. Tomorrow isn't promised, yesterday wasn't either. Blood steaming like fire, it's like my heart has a fever. Yes, I'm a non believer but I did believe him.
“Write about anything,” they said
“Write about anything in your life….”
Write about how Christmas has just passed,
time to sit downand frown a littlecry for a secondwhen sadness is beckonedtime to lay stilland fill with griefmelancholy is realwhen it's all you feeltime to breath now
I'm brave, determined, focused.
However, sometimes I wonder,
Can I do it all?
Honestly, I can't.
Can I go through life,
Like a stone statue,
Without any help
Honestly, I can't.
The hours she spends to be perfect,
the hours tries to cover her flaws.
She cannot see the beauty within,
she only sees the ugly outside.
If only she could leave the quarrel;
just disappear into thin air.
Don't quit,
When the roads are hard,
And darkness is around you,
Don't ever quit.
You're worth it,
More than the pain,
More than anything,
You are worth more than giving in.
A promise broken,You said you would keep me.You said you would stop,Mommy, Daddy can you hear me? A touch from God saved me,
***This Poem was written to help others who have difficulty coping with depression and bullying who need help**
I don't want to look death in its sunken face
And realize what I've left for the human race
To remember me by is nothing but
Insecurity and shame, oh it isn't enough
I want to leave behind a legend, not even grand
When you look at me what do see?Do you see an original or do you see a copy?
Do you see beauty or do you see ugliness?
When you look at me what do you see?
Do you see a rich person or do you see a poor person?
I once read a poem.
It was about nothing.
Then I started to think hard.
What is ‘nothing’?
Not sure how many people have thought that.
You let others break you And they watch you fall
Do you even try to fight?
To speak up at all?
Or have you been silenced?
By the mocking
And the pain
When they knock you down again
You are beautiful,
You are love,
You are worhy
You are worhy of love that you cannot even begin to comprehend.
This love is everlasting, unconditional, unfailing, never ending.
Now he's dead
No one knows why
He committed suicide
On his first try
No one knows the thoughts
that went through his mind
They're afraid to delve deeper
For fear of what they might find
Everyone's going to have a bad.
Some people take it a little more seriously.
There are people who need someone.
They sit in their rooms and blame themselves
For EVERYTHING.
What is beauty?
A number on the scale
The size of your jeans
A smile on your face
Or something in between?
I see beauty in pain
The dark and the light
"This is a very intense poem that is true, and it is very sad and painful going through this.
Dear Soceity,
You need to stop with these lessons,
Where young girls are forced to see
How imperfect their bodies can be.
How sex is a tool for sucess,
How breasts are ment for something so much less.
My life,
its not as bright as the sun
nor the light,
but it stands out at night,
my arms,
they arent what they used to be,
pull up my sleeves and
you will see what I mean,
Do not be fighterDo not be curse that person or animal outinstead be a peacemakerDo not steal a thing that you really wantDo not kill that person
You stand alone on a street corner
In a gray city of steel and cold
Your arms full of blankets
Woven from sunbeams you plucked
From empty skies
You give them all away
She looks up from the porcelain sink to see the reflection of a girl. Her face is drained of color and her lips tremble.
I have a want inside meNot for anything in particularJust a want, a need, eating away inside me
People say life is short,And that "You Only Live Once"But life is the longest thing you'll ever do.Why should I keep going?Why should I keep breathing?I can't find the meaning.
I build and maintain this wall, but hide myself behind it's splendor.
A polished marble finish hides the broken skin unmended.
Have my jewels, have my hearts, have my anger.
A single tear
Falling from a face
All that is seen is the fear
That no one can embrace
Many ask why
Why so upset
Why cry
Behind the tear is all regret
We live in a world where double standards bloom around us
Waiting for the picking
Like fresh lillies in the spring time.
If you have acne, you're ugly
If you don't, you're stuck up.
It rises
and falls
only to rise again.
A circadian pattern,
until one day it falls too hard.
Shattered and torn,
It attempts to rise.
Every abuse is not a physical pillUnless you’re unwise and unskilledThese tones stone the insidesOf happiness and eventually toss youTo shame and leave you fearing any game
Kick me when I’m down
And tell me I don’t matter
I want to feel I belong
That’s all I ever asked
Now really can you blame me
A tsunami sent by one line of text
Adrenaline floods my veins-
emotions are drowning, tumbling
just trying to catch up with my brain
My heart jumps, flips, flies out of my chest-
You may have had a rough life, present & future – but who are you to judge the future?
Dear Love,
I gave it all to you.
And you dog gone took it and ran with it.
Such a fool, to have ever think we would be.
How can someone get to the point
in their life
where death deems so right?
When you wake up
Every single day
Wishing for an end
to it all.
And more specifically,
The difference in me is great, the becoming of my life will bring me to my fate, the mysterious I have for myself brin
I’ve been given a gift, rather a blessing that takes you for who you are in all
Living with this darkness. Always weighing me down.
Thinking dark thoughts; wandering around this strange and lonely town.
Can't get rid of this depression; seems like any hope I once held is coming to an end.
Hands in the sky
On my knees
Nobody heard
My piercing scream
The broken remains
Of the world around
Shattered and fell
With a deafening sound
Walls, built sturdy and tall.Doors, built to let people in.These walls make a tower, I threw away the key.All in an effort, to keep you from me.
He used to tell me that I wasn't good enough. He used to hurt me, but on the outside I just played along. I never looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I put scars on my skin, like he etched on my heart.
Honorio Freeland
Lost in the World
Who am I?
What makes me, me?
Eighteen years young,
With not plenty to show for it.
I am the girl you laugh at every day
I am the boy with scars on my arms
I am the geek who hides behind books
I am the jock who's scared of sexuality
I am the cheerleader with the imperfect body
If only they knew , if only i could say..i hate coming to school everyday.
Not because of the lunch, or the switching my class rush.
I can't cry,
Because that is admitting defeat,
I can't cry,
Because if I did you'd tear me down more.
I can't smile,
Because you know if I do it'll crack into a thousand pieces,
I can't smile,
I am reaching out to youBut you cannot or will not hearCan’t you see that I am in need?You look without seeing my tears I am so lonesome. All by myself
Hand in hand
our gazes met.
One quick smile,
one skipped breath.
Is this love?
Do I have faith?
To lunge head first
or am I too afraid.
I wasn’t happy with me,
So I tried being a different me.
I tried to be the me everyone else wanted to see
It can come on slow and it can come on fast
Sometimes you’d never know it’s even happening
Your palms start to sweat and your heart is about to burst
There is an empty place in my chest, an empty spot where my thoughts use to flow and my memories use to play. The familiar rhythm that's kept me alive for so long is slowly coming to a halt.
My heart sings the words
Of my soul
It feels all my weeknesses
It hears all my screams
It tastes the chalking of my blood
It smells the fear of my aching beat
It sees the nightmares that I
Used to be friends our first year
Fast-forward, I’m standing here
Halls are deserted, no one in sight
Here you come from behind and body check me on the right
That’s how it started
She may have finally done it
She may have finally found her path
The sky blue comforter was appealing,
But with deep thought,
She found that its arms of cotton,
Its pillows of visions of fantasy,
There's a saying.
It's quite old.
There's a saying.
That's often told.
"Sticks and stones may break your bones,
but words with never hurt you"
I don't believe that this is true.
Paddling so hard
from the water wall behind.
Too slow and i fall.
Then I tumble and I roll
to submerge to the unknown.
She was a very young girl
Life just started it would seem
About fifteen years old
Life being torn by the seams
I’m walking a thin line,
I’m running out of my lifeline.
They’re letting go, they’re moving on
How come I’m so far gone?
Why am I so worthless?
My life so pointless?
I thought about it once or twice,
maybe three or four.
About suicide, and what it would be like,
if I didn’t live anymore.
My world is dark and gray,
filled with sorrow and lots of pain.
Society has spoken,
nobody cares.
He cries all alone,
for the truth he cannot bear.
He bleeds all night
yet no one is there,
not one single person
nice enough to care.
There she was alone again
she made her choice
so we'd hear her silent voice
maybe I was so stupid,
for not seeing this before
This is why,
she cried to sleep at night
I'm a glass house.
Just take a glance, you'll know if I'm home or not
Maybe a light is on, music is playing
Peer a little deeper to be sure that I'm not
Survey my windows to see if you can find me,
Broken pieces shattered on the ground
They continue to tip toe around
Afraid to clean a mess that wasnt theirs
Scared that I will only break theirs
Taped together many times for moments
Living in darkness seemed the best way
Light never reached my face as I lay
As the fabric of life seemed to fray
Hateful words spoken in spite
Light was no longer in my sight
For what it's worth?
This is my new start, new heart, shining at the end of this semester's tunnel
To love, to live,To hug and forgive.With out love of others, we live without hope,From sisters and brothers,to bacon and the Pope.Learn to loveto come above.Find the one without shun.
There she lay,
On her bathroom floor thinking only about death,
She stared at the pills scattered on the floor,
As she took her last breathe,
Only being able to see gray,
She was happy she finally escaped,
I miss your smile,
i miss your face,
i miss your strongly supporting embrace.
I miss your voice,
i miss your words,
that made me feel like, the only girl in the world.
I miss your laugh,
As she closed her eyes she imagined her life before her
Her eyes were bowed down in defeat, in weakness
She reminisced on what she had lost, what she had gained
Your the love of my life, The bright star that shine in me, The inspiration that put me to my feet. You mean the world to me. Everyday dreaming about the day we will meet again. Your the sorrow in myy heart, I never knew you and i was like stars.
Dreading Spanish every day
Something I wish I could say to my teacher
You flirt with all the boys and ruffle their hair
When I leave crying,
I'm the "trouble maker" I'm the "Liar"
I was alive when i met you.
Alive but cautious because I always feared death...
feared what it would be like if you left....
You made me live reckless on the edge..
and the times i spent with you....
he says he hasn't had that much
but he'll just use it as a crutch
and spend all day drinking away pretending that it doen't affect us.
but it does
and when we call grandma he'll be drinking it off,
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A young girl is brokenThat poor girl shed tearsThe little girl is leavingNo one even hears
Crying, she falls asleep at nightWaking up seems to be a curseNo one ever loves herMaybe its time to go home
She strokes my hair gently
Kisses me passionatlely
Hugs me tightly
Always loves me
Wants to be with me forever
Cares about me more than anything
Spends every second of every day by my side
Vibrations in my head’s empty space; unoccupied.
Relative measurements of relative ideas.
And drops of controversy fall from the unmarked sky.
Ebony sky; full of fire’s red embers.
There is no day that goes by
I feel angry with the world
I sit quietly in my room
I pray for a better tomorrow…
How would my life be
Without fear and sadness?
How would it feel to be
Two lovers intertwined in a complicated web.
One compromised by word.
The other compromised by heart.
One chained.
One free.
The Night arrived room,
The flame lit up the glistening blade.
Her towel fell from her body,
on the ground it laid.
A drop of moisture from her hair,
curved her upwards chest.
Upon the polished pearl slate
Lingers the past within:
Blood-stained hair and eyes.
Remember the queries and suggestions:
Stay the original course,
No altering just for appeasement.
As the sun rises andAnother day takes flight;The blessing is fulfilled again.As the dew begins to lite;My heart flutters,For my love is forever in sight.
Its always a secret
We cant go here, we cant go there
So and so comin, so we cant go
I cant follow you on social media, cause people might know
You put me in a little pocket and take me out when you want
They think she's happysee her smile and just assumebut what they don't know might kill herit might lead her to her doom Little do they knowher mind has the controlshe is slowly dyingsoon she may very well go In her eyes is the painon her arms ar
The pain I feel is from within,
The smile is all a show,
The dreams I had
Once big and bold
Suddenly crushed and hopeless.
Who needs me
I am no-body
Unwanted, alone, trapped..
Have you ever wanted to die
Have you ever wondered whats on the other side
Have you ever looked yourself in the face and thought why
WHY… HY… HY… am I alive
What is the meaning of life
I ask for your forgiveness in writing this to you, and I can assure it will be my final interference in this delicate matter.
I know the voices in your headThey've reached down into your coreI know the lies that they have said because I've heard them all before
Maybe it's time, that I give you a simple rhyme. A reason to listen, as my eyes glisten. I'm tired of the lies, those that binds and ties; my very soul from becoming whole. I may not be the poster child, but I wasn't raised up wild. Don't mock
Your thumbnails are very beautiful, I’m sure you think so too;
You must be very proud of them, gorgeous, pink, and small;
I can tell you love them very much, because staring at them is all you do.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me
We've heard it, said it, learned it.
But tell me do people choose to take their life because this rhyme is right?
The perfect girl,
That's what everyone saw.
The one that everyone knew.
The girl without a flaw.
But when she looked in the mirror,
She hid behind a facade.
All the scars on her wrists,
Say what you want, do as you please
for I know that whatever you doin ain't
gonna happen to me. You can scowl,snarl,
and glare but I'm untouchable like the air.
You may say your wicked taunts and do your evil
Isolated from your peers,
alone and rejected,
different from the others,
you feel diseased, infected.
it's impossible to change everyone,
difficult to get it through their heads,
She’s far from an innocent
For deep in her past
Lie memories in waiting,
Coming on fast.
The shame and the guilt
Are too much to take,
So she closes her eyes
And accepts her fate…
He was my summer love the year of twenty twelve
He was my everything for him I'd do anything
he was what I needed and maybe if I pleeded,
I'd get another chance or at least a last dance.
Chains
Chains
clinking metal frozen
wrists bound
reaching for freedom
no key to set me free
or strength to uncuff
I've been knocked down before someone knocked down my door. They been down a street where you didn't want to meet, as well as me.
If you walk into the lighttowards the end of the tunneland you don't come backhad its beauty ensnared youor had it simply scarred you?
We hide in the darkness.
We never come into the light.
We hide behind a fake smile
that nobody cares to look behind.
We hide behind a mask
we built to hide our true selves.
We only show to those who
Am I stupid?
Am I crazy?
A maniac, perhaps?
How can I still love you?
How can you still love me?
I look at you and I still see utter perfection.
The way you walk, talk, laugh, and smile.
I keep thinking about you. But I'm not sure what to do. Maybe If i stop dreaming of what could be.Maybe If i stop thinking of it as you and me.Maybe letting you go is the key.
I loved you
I loved you without a second thought or a backward glance
I loved you with the innocence of a child and left you with more hate than a soul should bear
I came to you all trusting
I’m sorry if it’s strange, but I don’t feel right
And it’s taken me a while to figure out why.
Now it’s hit me, I know why I feel so undone.
I’m just not fighting anymore.
I miss that feelingWhen I felt the surgeThe boost of spiritsThe sound of birdsThe world was laughterThe peace, like rainBut since it happenedIt won’t come again
i want to read the lines of your hands as if they where peices of paper with a story to tell. I want to kiss your hands so that my lips could tell the verystory of which your hands plead to speak. I want to swim in the river of your emotion
Sticks and stones break bones,
And they aren't always alone,
Cause sometimes words hurt even more,
Leaving behind a heart truly sore,
And beating three beats behind,
My wrists... like paper.
The knife... a pen.
The blood it savors.
The ink, it sends.
My skin is torn.
The paper is ripped.
Blade like a thorn.
The pen, it shifts.
Every scar has a story.
I am the ugly sister. These are the words I can’t escape. I cannot escape the rejection, or the hate. I am the one that no one comes to claim. My sister says the muffin top will go away, that I need to work harder.
Come with me to the room of doors for some funTake a deep breath and open door number oneIn this room livesA teenage girlHiding awayFrom the cruel cruel world.Her eyes are hollowHer soul a shell
What do you actually see when you look into these dark brown eyes?
Do you see a girl with happiness all around her or a girl galloping through a meadow filled with dasies.That's what you think you see but you dont really see the
I'm always dreaming,
Even when I'm awake.
In my dreams, I have control
Usually...
Until one day,
There was a razor in my hands
And I awake to lots of blood
Everywhere...
She glances at the clock,
As it flashes eleven twelve.
She sighs once again,
As she places another notebook on the shelf.
Through another clover patch,
She searches for a wish.
Her efforts to no avail,
Why would someone do such a thing?
Someone please tell me why.
He gave him so much of his effort.
So much of his money and time.
Between the two was everything.
He'd helped him stand back up.
His Holding Into My Emptiness of my universe , while my mind is out of earth ! A start wont probably reach to my hopes ! While im here left in the back with a bag tht was left ! It was left to the wrong person
Tainted, tainted is the light,
No more is it pure and bright,
Tainted, tainted as the night,
No one can see for it is dark with fright,
Scarred am I from battles and wars,
Recovery is not an option,
I've paid the price of losing someone
I lived my life without a rule book
I'd always imagined he'd be the one
I came untied and fell to ashes
I loved him, he made me cry
Your subtle whispers
scream in my ears
exclaming hate
pronounce my fears
I can see your staring eyes
looking through me
judging, spreading rumors
lies
But I am strong
A horizontal line,
A bluish-purple vein,
how much would it take
to drive me insane?
A few more hospital visits,
A few more prescription pills
they say recovery is possible
I stand here touching the breeze in my hair,
feeling unconscious full of despair,
I feel the touch of freedom.
You told me i have legs, so I walk.
I stand here with the darkness in my eyes,
ou claim to know me. Yet you don’t see my pain, my suffering, my black, shriveled up excuse for a heart. All you see is the smile, the overweight child, the kid that sits alone at lunch. You claim to know me.
Not a sight nor
Neither here or there
A covering vail
Would you care?
Here today but not in the morrow
In view but far away
Yet there is
Nothing to say
Cradled by solitude
Because of other's attitude
Death, depression, and disfigurement do a bully make
Leaving destruction in wake.
Take a soul, bottle it up
Pour out a wretched thing.
Your eyes through me cut like a rusted knife,Your voice, it salts my newly bleeding wound,Do I belong inside your lonely life?Though you hoped I never willingly swooned,
Life sometimes can play tricks on the distracted eye. Sometimes you see the horizon but not the road ahead of you. And sometimes there is no road and you have to find your own trail.
Im tired. My body is sore. I lay in bed and feel like I cant take it anymore. I feel weak. Hopeless. Like no one cares. I tap my fingers on my phone, waiting for a sign. Some kind of hope. I shut my eyes and feel the dull buzz in my hand.
I have recognized that everyone is on their own
At the end of the day we have all sung the same song
Our emotions are imperceptible, we can barely express them
We can easily fool each other with our thoughts and truths
We sat on the steps of my eroded muck stained porch.
We contemplated our lives and our identities while sipping on unclean glasses.
We laughed at my awful past of abuse,
neglect,
and
insanity
One heart two different worldsOne body two opposite girlsOne chose love the other hateOne chose corruption the other faithOne always tries to devise a planThe other simply follows the great I am
Because The Sound Of Voice & My Lips Were Close !
You Told Me Just Repeat "Strawberry" My Heart Beat 100 Miles per hour!
Not Knowing How and When To Say it !
Poor Child only 9years old !
Tears trace my face as I stand over this sink
I am crying again
Every lecture I get, all the expectations I don't make
Your eyes are not like oceansNor is your laugh like the tinkling of bells
You are made of flesh and bloodNot some backwards metaphor
Did my clothes grow a voice box and speak for me?Because my own voice couldn’t be heard over your insecurityThe only word I needed was noWhen a child first learns the word no
I don't understand why you hurt me or make me have these scars
you always say no one cares of course i'm going to take that to heart.
your suppose to love me and take care of me but you havent been doing that lately
Knowing that I have an attraction for you makes me so upset with myself. How could I let this happen to me?
you've been here with methrough thick and thinyou knew i was hurtbefore i told you you fought my wallsgot yourself ini cant get you out nowno matter how hard i trydid not want to trust you
I want to tell you
How much I care
About your broken green bottle
How much I care about the sea
And dandelions
And cracks in the sidewalk
Like you do
As the years escape my eyes. You try to say your final goodbye. But your hand won't leave mine. Thoughts of you fill my mind. Life without you is full of pain, no laughter, no smile just gray painful rain.
A steady rhythm,
A speedy pace,
My heart now seems to race.
A race,
A fight,
What we do in the night.
Loving, leaving,
I begin to start bleeding.
Remorce and grieving
Remember that day you felt you could never compare
That feeling that life just couldn't be fair
Remember the tears that flooded your eyes
That feeling that life is a pile of lies
He's a failure
In my class he won't survive
17 and black?
I'm surprised he's alive
He's just a stupid football player
Is that all you think I am?
Just another statistic?
Disgracing Uncle Sam?
I miss how you looked in my eyes that first night
I could not recal anything else
the way your soft skin felt on my cold hands
The blurred memory gave me a rush
I miss when we layed recalling the past
What was it you were thinking?That fateful day you leapt,out of those burning towers,as we all looked on... and wept.
She’s kind
Though she never really says much
She smiles
Though it never really seems real
She laughs
Though she never really seems to enjoy being around
She’s here, doing what she has to do faithfully
I want to disappear I wanted to fade into the background......
I thought that losing the weight would make them like me...... They don't...
I started to get more involved in school no one seemed to notice either.....
In elementary school, we read a story called The BFG, or big friendly giant. It was a story about the only kind giant to exist. If you asked any of my old classmates about the story, most would probably not remember.
Stuck in this room like it's a jail.Trapped like prisoners
My hands are tied grasping the rail.
We aren't petitioners.
"Sometimes I always ask myself why.Was it after all worth it?
No one knows that she still hurts-
But she keeps herself composed
hoping no one notices her flaws.
Tears like rain fill oceans of sadness;
It’s the pain that we hide – greater than we see;
I’ve spoken to broken looking for suns to soak in,
But the heart is missing
Where a soul leaves space.
Everyone hurries with smiles and laughs;but the girl just passes so solemn.One day after the other the kids seem happier;but the girl just remains the same.Parties, friends, make up and more;
One love doesn't last longbut here is one thing it is going to be alright once a pon agogo out and find another one when you are lonely everytime you like of him or her
The dull lull of rain
On my heart wears a stain
Of all the trials and pain
On this day in the rain.
The sad rain from above
Reminds my heart of
All the times it's not loved
Floating
Leaping
Screeching
Clawing your eyes out just to
Spite you
Spite me instead
I can't live the way you want
Me to. The way you look at me
Tells me that you want me to respond.
Im making my mind up to express.
Living this way is just a mess.
Laughing at nothing
Is funny when its serious.
Im Living life to the fullest
So im a gangster.
Living is dying.
I can't sleep; the memories keep me up at night,
All of the things I should have said,
Should have done,
To make you mine.
The thoughts of you won't ever transcend,
The time you were almost mine,
You are my South Wind,
There to uplift me
There to surround me
But never to falter.
You are my Sun,
There to light my way
There to give me hope
But never to dim.
I push so hard everyday
I know it angers you so much to wake up knowing Im not with you no more to drive you crazy
I wake up too but here or not you still drive me crazy
I want to dieI want to turn away away and say goodbye There is just to much painI can barely stay in my own laneI'm falling apartI hurt in my whole body, especially in my heartI'm going to end it allI may step a little far over the edge and just f
I miss you so much I miss your voice and soft touchThe way you comforted me Always offering me a cup of teaI lie to myself everyday I tell myself you'll come back by the end of MayEven though I know deep downYou're never coming back to this townYo
I have left the world of Darkness,
Having stepped into the Light,
A new sensation of bliss has emerged,
A sensation having not witnessed in a thousand years,
Maybe She Would Be Alive Today. If I Spoke Up And Said What I Needed To Say. If I Thought Differently and Choose A Different Path. Crazy Thing Is I Didn’t Think She Would Last.
My wounds are the awards of my anger.
My anger was the reaction of the pain.
The pain was the affect of my cause of stupidity.
She screams as the light beams pushing and pushing the wall of despair.
Times of love from above is just like a dove resting on my shoulder.
Times of love, Times of love, Times of love.
Things falling apart
All around me
The world
Breaking at the seams
A rush of emotions
Like an avalanche
But yet
I feel nothing
You’re lying beside me
Smiling
Reassuring
Because all the things you've done im like this today. Hurt, numb, empty; whats lost is gone forever. Forever feeling a unsacred empty space. You took the only part of me that wasnt yours, the part of me that you havent already distroyed.
Remember...
The time I mistook indigestion for a baby,
and the eyelashes on my cheeks
for the end of the world.
When I thought as I traded knitted caps for rain hats,
Thump Thump even steps on the floor
A rhythmic monotone inciting horror
Who is it that makes such a beaten path
Is it death or man with a thought to pass
Lost in the world around her
The kids in school call her names,
Mock her ripped clothing
No one knows the truth.
She goes home to a drunken father,
A broken mother and a missing brother,
clouds are thick, the ground grabs
It weighs you down, It tugs at you
slowly pulling slowly drawing
walking against the wind
heavy feet heavy head
forced back held back
no movement, no progress
It fools the inexperienced
and breaks the ones who aren't careful.
It's the thing we always look back to
and always look forward to.
It's strong and brutal;
Happy
yet sad.
I came here alone, others are apparitions.
Strangers to mother's.
Opponents to father's.
Siblings are apparitions.
Friends are apparitions.
Lovers are apparitions.
I'm in recovery you see
so I try to be as positive as I can be,
but sometimes it gets hard
like my progress is lard.
I take the meds everyday
but sometimes I want to say:
"I can't do this anymore!
The hole in my heart is deeper than the sea,
The hole in my heart is blacker than the new moon sky.
I still wish you were with me, your touch still lingers with me.
As I’m asleep I dream of me back in your arms,
I am a silver moon. You are my world. If you do not desire this gravitational pull any longer, then I shall take myself elsewhere. I can find another planet to orbit my heart around. Someone who does not consider me to be a meteor.
Cold ice stretching over a fortress of falling beams. Rolling from blue eys come the diamonds of a sad day. Once strong the brick buildings fall in a crumbling rubble of distress. In a silent room a fire is ignited.
I peer into your eyes,they quaver and fillbig, somber: greenthey overflow and spill. The tears thunder down your cheekslike the towers in the daythey crash and they screamfaster than anyone can pray. Your flushed cheeks utter gaspsof horror and pa
what seems so easy
isn't to some
makes them feel queazy
terrified of whats to come
speaking in front of a variety
for a simple presentation
those who suffer social anxiety
I am like a ceramic bowl, and this bowl has many assets.Beautiful from a far, but up close you see my cuts, scars and bruises put there by all the hate and doubt of the world.
The Inner Me.
It's the soul you cannot see.
The pain, the struggles, the beating, and troubles.
I cry out for help.
Suicide thoughts.
No one there to tell me, stop.
I'm am confused at the mind.
theres many ways to show love
actions speak louder than words
many people may recall the scene of pain
to overcome pain forgiveness is the key.
Holding on to that one last kiss.
Remembering what it was like to hold you like this.
My heart is slowly burning to the ground.
With the passion in the love I had found.
Your words still linger in this place.
Welcome to my world
Of lies,loniliness,hate, and depression
My world of tears and loneliness
Of fear and scars and rust-tinged razors
That smell like fresh sea water
somehow don’t satisfy me anymore.
At five years old, I hardly understood
The tragedy that had just occurred.
I vaguely remember my kindergarten teacher
Frantically racing from one room to another
Desperately trying to gather information
There oncewas a boy who rode my bus,
with wide green eyes,
who sat alone...
and didn't seem to care.
There once was a boy at my school,
who was quiet
but had the most beautiful smile,
You think school is all sweet and all.
And you think teenagers like me are the generation to fall.
But you don't understand that outside those silver gates.
Life soon becomes a brawl.
The Hill That Never Sleeps
Have you heard of the hill,
That never sleeps?
We’ve been properly acquainted,
In my virtuous sheets.
Watching-your every move,
In search of flaws.
Words hardly describe The world he sees.Hand motions do notGive him the peace he needs.
He draws then,A mermaid in the seaAnd an enormous ship.
She is sitting by the mirrorBrushing her hair,As tears fall downHer hands tremble When she thinks about last night.
Looking around, there are smiles everywhere
The more I'm surrounded by people, the more anguish feeling of lonliness I feel
and then you realize, nobody cares and you feel as if you will never heal
How do I keep moving forward?
Do I strum the guitar, and keep hitting the wrong chord?
Do I let everyone push me into praying to their "Dear Lord"?
Do I use my words and make them hurt as much as a sword?
her scars itch as if they feel her pain
they want friends
more of themselves to add to her collection
it's like they can feel her bring the blade to kiss her use-to-be-smooth skin
As my heart beats to the rhythm of love and happiness;
It slips into a coma of depression,
Hidden from my laughter and smiles,
Teasing everyone who passes by.
Days pass of nothing but a drop of excitement,
I wish my life was over,
My world made of broken clovers,
Falling out of place,
going into a dark space,
filled with blood,
nothing to love...
No one can see through my facade,
Can a heart still break once it's stop beating can you believe me even though you know I am lying will you be there when I need you even though when your in need I'm never anywhere to be found when your in need will you catch me when I am
Your eyes are so stunning,
that they could cover the night sky,
and outshine the moon, and stars,
and even all the galaxys combined.
Your smile is so strong,
it rocks me to my core,
All my loving,
It’s easy to obtain.
Refrain,
Everyday is the same.
What do I have to offer when you’re gone?
I tried to tell you that I loved you all along,
I'm not bleeding it out.
There are no razors to touch my skin,
none to cut it.
Bleeding does not help.
Not like others said.
Physical pain is not a cure,
for this kind of agony.
3AM
(One Cut)
Don’t ever wake up at 3am
It’s scary enough falling asleep
Waking up out of a state of rest
Takes a lot of energy mentally
Like your mind gets tired, fatigued
Overthinking starts.
I want a ......Guy who notices my sensitivityGuy who notices my heartGuy who understands my confusion and pain and where it comes fromI want a ........guy who confident. In saying i love you day one.
First Period:
Wake up, shower, dress
Motivate, sigh, late
Again
Second Period:
English, essay, notes
Homework, due date, yawn
Tired
I remember the way you told me
You loved me
That it would never be you and I
It would be we
I remember your beautiful
Smile
I remember holding hands on the beach
Walking for miles
We are all victims, persons targeted to feel pain and misery
and all that are out to slam a foot on our brakes, while driving they have stopped us
on the train tracks leaving us with what you think are only two options;
Do you see the pain?The pain in my eyes.Do you see the hurt?Hurt buried deep in my heart.Did you search to knowKnow what I have been throughOr did you just wishI let go and never looked back?
This ol' heart of mine will never be the same
I guess I'm really the one to kind of blame
I might as well move on and let it go
Well since you're here I should probably let you know
I said a word
I made a friend
I am yellow
I said a word
I am in a relationship
I am pink
I said a word
I got into a fight
I am blue
I said a word
I breathe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Two easy movements.
Involuntary.
Necessary.
The difference between two ends,
Life,
Death.
Breath changes everything…
I breathe.
I like you a lot but don't know how to tell you...why can't we see eye to eye?
Set standards for each other? Everything is just so paper thin. With not enough time,
You see smiles they glisten,
There's nothing else but listen
Dark shadows, cold walls
You hide and try to ignore the calls.
You ask yourself is it worth it?
Not one bit.
Your Kiss infects me
like the flu infecting young children
it finds me
and absorbs through out my body
taking a few days to leave my system
forever i remember the 1st time
the feeling so new
I knocked on the door just to listen and see if she was home
For some time I waited, cold winds flowing past me and down my back my mind started to rome
Alone is what I began to feel but then she came to the door
A minimum amount of words were said, and time was spent together. Before we knew it. Time was over.
i bury myself in facts organization to a faultto hide from the world,from people and fearspeople think I'm shyI'm hiding.i hide in plane site, yetnobody sees me i cry for someone to see me
Betrayal, Bruised, Left alone, No one to hold, No one to love, Blessed I’m sure, How can you be blessed? When no one loves you When someone toke your love. Forever alone. Forever apart.
A man who's life was strife by death left mights in his regrets.
Life can be a pain and with punishment they may blame,
but one thing that it gives,
its forgivness for you'r sins.
As the man shouts to death
how dare you put me in a box
labeling me because i dont fit in with the hollywood image
how dare you belittle me because im different
i rather be happy being me then being sad trying to fit in with this asshole society
I used to write poems
about the colors of your eyes
with a stomach full of butterflies.
But now I write words
about the voices in my head
and how I wish I were dead.
You used to promise
This disease, I wont let it get the best of me.
I'm depressed though, it's got me by the throat, how can I get free?
How can I be all I can be, if I'm missing a part of me.
On the oust side, I seem as happy as can be.
Tearful eyes. / Burning throat. / Stiffled cries, / So they don't know, / I scream inside. / I miss my home. / On my outside, / You'd never know. / I'm tired of sadness. / I'm tired of lies. / I'm tired of secrets, / That everyone hides.
Life turns to death, as the present fades to the past
Its the bleeding of pure silence...
The slow thumping of a partially broken heart..
The twinkle of a knife
Hidden by the night
Have you ever seen someone going through a anxiety attack?It's not an east to thing to witness.
Their body tenses against their willThey shake and cry with no cause or relief
Her mind flooded by judgment and oppression
Her body aching from hate
Her soul yearning to escape the cage it was forced into
She is only accelerating her fate
She is only accelerating what is intended
Beauty is the eyes of the beholder
That's why he always found beauty in my body
And you always saw it in my eyes
He was only looking for one thing; and liked what he saw
It’s funny how someone who was supposed to love me, never did.
It’s ironic how that a person that I never knew hurt me.
But it’s even worst that I hurt myself.
To Open Her Eyes
When I look in the mirror I see a face
The girl looking back at me is so lost
She feels lonely in a crowded room
But is suffocating in her mind
What do I do to make her smile
Silent, empty, lonely, hated
(Sitting in a classroom, smiling vaguely)
Muffled, lost, self-sedated
(Top grade in the class! Congratulations, be proud!)
Can't think, breathe, feel my way
loving a girl with anxiety is constantly talking with nobody listeningfeeling like the world is caving in"why can't i be strong enough for both of us?"but please don’t worry, it just is hard for me
I like how the cereal screams in terror as I put the little guys in my mouth
Mmh how sweet, cereal blood between my teeth
Snap Crackle Pop! goes the bones of the breakfast mom bought
Every day seems somber.
I look away and
as I walk to school
I can feel myself removed.
I watch myself sit there in class
I watch myself write
I watch myself get through it
I didn't know before how to light a candleTo set by the picture of us on the mantleThere was no flame to light the wayThere was no night to darken the dayThe monsters came to devour the heart
Tears roll down her face as she sees her lover with someone else
Disgusted she feels
She wishes she was someone else
The anger inside from the lies he told
Disrespected from his actions
He is so bold
How can you claim to "love" someone when all you do is hurt them ? What is "Love" ? People say its a big word with so much meaning... Everyone who said they "love" me, all ended up hurting me.
Thanksgivng in Rehab
Another addict at The Lodge
It is myself I can no longer dodge
But what have these drugs really done?
'Tis the time of year for friends and fun
To the lost, the forgotten, the outcasts, to all those who feel hopeless and alone. This cruel, sick, and twisted world you live in has made you think the unthinkable and speak the unspeakable.
It all started on the first day of school,
not passing the rule.
No one coming to my aid,
on my shoulders the cruel words laid.
Then came middle school,
people even more cruel.
I was a fool,
To overcome? You have no idea. The dark is suffocating. The pain is allocating. Try to make it stop. It's not enough. It keeps coming, and coming, and coming. Looking up, praying for better. Why me?
All I am is bonesBreakable and bendableBird bonesHollowed out, emptyCreating a superficial beingSupposed to be sturdyBut empty of strengthTrying to flyAll I am is bird bonesEasily broken
Well I’ve come to tell you a story.
I gotta warn you, it’s probably not a happy story.
I gotta warn you, it’s probably not even a good story.
But I think it’s probably a true story,
and that’s good enough for me;
Why do you pretend you're happy? With that fake smile on your face, pretending everythings perfect. You go home and cry... Because you're living a lie. With tears rolling down your face, you say you're okay.
I know I didn't tell you
Mum was the word
Couldn't you see, in my eyes
The things you never heard
If I shut my eyes
Maybe I can unsee
All of the things
The world has done to me
Tell me you love me because you want me in your lifeTell me you love me because you mean it from your heart
Tell me you love me because it's written all over your face
After the storm comes a rainbow,
I have been threw that storm but don't know where to go,
where is my rainbow.
I need to feel the calm that comes after the storm,
for it's the only way to reassure my self.
It’s strange.
This feeling.
This heart felt feeling…
Sigh… not again.
Could I… could I really?
No, no, no! I’m not!
I’m probably just sick.
Yeah! Just sick…
Damn, who am I kidding?
Another white tee
Tie dyed in four shades of red
Out of the twelve you’ve already encountered
Bleach will do no good this time
Neither will a Band-Aid
You never have to worry about people getting in your way
Cast over me, a sheet of confusion and foolishness, and yet it took more than one rude awakening in my life to help pull this sheet off my head but I still wonder why do so many tragedies had to come for me to finally understand a part of life.
Crying in the snow will do no good
The tears you cry will never come out
As the touch of blood feels like snow
The animal that lived before you must move on
Letting go is sometimes the only choice for us
Once upon a time I was still in healing So I scribbled into a notebook a list Of things I love about myself To help myself recover And number one on the list was “The freckles on the back of my shoulders” This is still one of my favorite things
I remember one time
Someone said to me,
"What? Were you emo or something?"
And they laughed.
And I laughed,
But I didn't say anything.
To me, it's not funny.
That rusty blade
DEPRESSION
Depression is like the color black, and is darker than the dimmest parts of space.
It sounds like thousands of screams echoing in your ear, and bashing at your eardrum.
Mother I forgive you for you know not what you do
Call me a zero in hopes it'll motivate me to avoid the bar stool
Most men live there life defining and executing functions
I have yet to define a single variable
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I can't help but feel like there is a hole in my chest I keep searching for something that cant be found until I hear a voice saying "Turn Around" When I looked I couldn't believe just what I saw
When I looked I couldn't believe just what I saw I saw a man Sitting on his throne With my mind blown I fall to my knees Screaming out "LORD HELP ME PLEASE" He says "Son what you're looking for isn't on this EarthBut if you can trust me you wil
Laughter is healing for my soul,
thats the medicine I have chose.
Needless to say I'm okay,
afterall I did laugh today!
Wondering why I may be depressed?
Half the time I'm super stressed,
We are young.
We are strong.
We are capable of anything.
Sometimes we are wrong.
Colorless and yet so colorful. Madness but mostly wonderful..
Jugular venous pressure is estimated by positioning
A patient’s head at a 45-degree angle.
When the veins in the neck
Are swollen as high as the angle of the jaw,
Blood pressure rises.
There will come a time when I have to let youReally let you goBy that I mean you will be goneYou will no longer be in my thoughtsI have let you go beforeFor a year we didn’t talkI did not think of you
There was a place and timeDon't ever go back to thenIt is just filled of memoriesAnd sadnessOf people who don'tRemember you, andPeople whom you wish to forgetYou've visited your past
I'm just a typical teenage girl, but I still struggle.
My thoughts engulf me. I wish I could escape.
The girl you assume you know is probably fake.
I'm a prisoner, one of love. Women an men both abuse love. I give my love out freely an
passionatly. My heart lays crumpled on the floor, weeping blood. It's on the floor because
Dark and despair in the air
Tame those people who want to swear
Make them believe in something else
But keep it close to them like belts
Help them decide to take a better path
In, out
Right, left
Yes, no
Go through the motions.
What if you can't?
The walls are caving,
The ground is shaking,
The world seems to be falling apart.
There once was a girl who could never stop crying,
who had so much pain she envied the dying
Her eyes were red as a recent cut's splatter,
but she could never stop crying, so it didn't matter
Education is spoiled by the rotting brains
Disseminating by the television cell membranes
As learning decreases
Society let's ignorant fame and material things sink in
Getting rich quick is more motivation
Her neck cranes skywards, they are there, beyond the haze and mist of a day long since past. They are there and she will bring them forth. So many times, so often she has searched the endless abyss of the sky for answers.
Time elapses where the world was spinning,
the spinning stops,
the world collapses
Collapsing and falling we all break silently
in the spot that counts
soft, red tissue unmeasured
Can you see her?
can you see the acid rain falls from the skys,
every time she crys?
She walks through life with her head held high,
The blue moon is the theif
that comes to steal
all of those things
that makes us feel-
feel those things
that keep us true
blue moon can only
keep us blue
so recognize-when he comes
They say make love, not war
But there’s always a constant battle
With my heart
I’m always fighting for another
And with every battle
I grow weaker
Losing soldiers, losing power
Will anyone finally understand the pain,
the one in my heart?
For so long I kept it there,
but to what end?
Spinning,
Whirling,
Flailing,
Falling,
Dizzy,
No where to turn.
Distant,
I'm alone, with everyone around me,
Drifting like drift wood,
In a mind boggling sea
its funny almost, how easily you can lose yourself
but how it difficult it is to find yourself again
how you can go from being completely in the now minute
and I only have
the sound of
your footsteps
committed to memory.
because the only
memory I have of you
is the one of you walking away.
Miss that girl, she used to always smile
She loved talking to her friend and hanging out
She loved to smile
Loved to talk
I do not understand what is wrong
She cries herself to sleep
"What shall I say
Whether or not be truthful
Or bask and in my sorrows all day.
What shall I say?
Sometimes a piercing gaze puts the pain back
And I shut it away.
What shall I say?
These Battle Scars
dont look like they are fading
as they sit on the skin
of a damaged girl.
And everytime she looks
in the mirror
they are the first thing
she see's.
(For full effect, listen to 40 Part Motet- Spem in Alium by Thomas Tallis)
I do not much care when you call me weird, my heart is just in another place i can't say that your heart should be there, but that is where mine lies, in the crevice of this world.
I thought my first love will be my last
I thought its you that I belong to
But now, what I once thought remains as thoughts
For you are now waiving goodbye.
All your smiles are for me
Behind the door there is another lie
With these two I don’t even get a break
Having to deal with these two until I cry
Staying there will be another mistake
Was walking away, forgetting it all
Angel, oh angel,Why have you forsaken me,Cast me out for nothing,Thrown me to the ravenges of the dark?All this pain,All this torture,For a simple change in thought?Do you know not what I feel,
We have forgotten,
Summer’s last innocence at
Sunset,
How the colors melt into
Oranges and
Yellows and
Purples…
And that faint breeze
That
Used to tell us
We were forgiven.
It’s 3am and I can hear myself breathing but I’m questioning the breaths.
What if I told you that I’m not really here?
I am just a blurry vision in the mirror where I slice my wrists and hold them up to God.
Why I write
all we did was make eye contact.
but in that instant
between my blink and her smile
She enters the setting,
With a mindset cluttered in utter agony,
But her beaming grin seems so effortless,
Despite the distress staining her heart and soul,
The loons call in the night,
spreading my heart open.
Scarred feet slide across the tile floor,
slipping away in her nightgown.
Down the newly wet grass gateway,
advancing into the shocking water.
Before recovery, when ED talked i listened. HE said i was lazy, i ran. HE said i was fat, i dieted. HE said i ate to much, i starved. HE told me to purge, i vomited. When ED was with me i cried.
I sit in my room staring at the wall,
trying to quiet my mind
from its own chaos.
I picture in my memory a beautiful color red,
darker than a cardinal’s breast
spilling onto the floor.
Born into a world were it’s not guaranteed I’ll succeed.
I still reach high, breaking stereotypes as I go.
I graduated from High School; I am in college.
What else is there left to achieve?
As I sit and think… LIFE.
Dark brown eyes with a personality that brightens any gloomy situation
No one can pronounce the name but remembers the face and the smile
Before my known days
The sun shone splintering rays of diamonds
With gorgeous scenery to complement
Bliss was rampant
Faith out-lasted
And dreams materialized into obtainable goals
But yet
Why do I write?
Ha
Why do you breathe? Why do fish swim? Why do plants photosynthesize?
Writing to me is not only a way to express myself,
but
a suicide prevention plan,
an escape from reality,
Why do I write?
Ha
Why do you breathe? Why do fish swim? Why do plants photosynthesize?
Writing to me is not only a way to express myself,
but
a suicide prevention plan,
an escape from reality,
There lies a pain in me a pain like no other
An urge more than a pain
It started as nothing but a way to relax
Relax a stressed out person
Then it became fun
Now the fun is gone and still present
Two Weeks:
Two Weeks
Two Weeks too long
Two Weeks dragged on
Two Weeks ended wrong
Two Weeks long gone
Two Weeks
Who would have thought it’d end this way. The crows flying above and the people screaming out of love. The car came out of thin air it seems.
When you look at life as an Ocean, you will suddenly start sinking.
You see the beauty all around, as you struggle to keep breathing.
Your lungs are full of water, the oxygen is depleting.
My hand, yes it hurts
but my mind hurts more.
Why do I write you ask?
Because I can't go back to how I was before.
I can't afford to be that girl
Who feels the need to end it all.
As the ocean draws in from a hard days work I stop and think of the ongoing state of things. The sun's rays strech out from the horizon giving the sky a firework of explosion. What has my life become? Where is it leading me?
There’s no rocks at my bottom
They’re up in smoke
Or held as evidence
And these events set precedence
To my current residence
My bottoms a clean slate
A scratched up plate
My walls are coming down
It’s inevitably happening
Not all at once, like Jericho,
Rather brick by brick
Chip by chip
Plink, Plink--I hear the echo
In my soul
I feel brand new
There was a habit once kicked, it was nasty and it was gone. Three years of it controlling a life, three years of a voice, a nag, something that had all the control yet none at all.
I once lived in a town with a bar on one end and a church opposite
The days were filled with haze and the nights lingered as the hands on the clock kept ticking
1. Piece of metal
Repeatedly pressed against my skin
Holding my mind for a ransom
I paid in blood and tears.
Wounds from my past still sting. I try not to bring myself to that time again. Why can't things just be like when I was a kid? Having no knowledge of anything. Just care-free and dumb.
There’s a sinister beauty about this place
Chaos lives in the cracks of the mirrors
It is here where my soul meets its fate
And my savior is found in my fears
Tender little treasure,
I can see how broken you are;
How much pain you hold secret inside.
Hide away!
Close yourself off from unwanted destruction.
Shy away from those who may hurt you.
Reach that limit
Watch the birds fly above in complete aw
Take the time to move yourself the way the man above planned you to move
Just Take That Time!
Fall to the floor on my knees metaphorically
I might disrespect someone
But
I ask this rhetorically:
What can you do
when you realize you need help
because you’re too weak to do anything yourself?
A journey.
Long paths, twisting winding roads.
Mountains and valleys.
Scraped knees and weary bones.
I'm parched and lost.
My best friend was the bottle.
My brother was the smoke.
I lived it up real good
Before life caught up and choked
Me out of my mind.
And now I see
That I was killin' myself.
Now all that I need
The woman of my soul dances with the men around her.
The girl inside cherishes treasured moments.
The friend within has souls that circle in silence
With the oceans’ rough rumble of dark depths,
I stand with empty hands,
Scars on my wrists,
I didn’t know life would hurt like this.
Blood flows from an open wound,
Tears fall and burn,
Don’t get too concerned.
You send monsters to kill me,
Yet sings that I never die.
How is it that you praise my ending-
And hold your breath as I wake?
As if I’m just your trojan pond.
What am I really?
Flesh and Bones hinged together
Strips of tissue wrapped together; binging the pieces together to make the [w]hole.
Shell, support, foundation--and the messy in-between.
You start off small, you are nothing
New territory, new experiences, new chapter of life
Feeling empty and alone, but you are not
All that hard work paying off
Progression and changes
Comfort and confidence
They lay with no bed,
They lay with no sheet,
They stay on the floor,
They stay with out heat,
They sleep with no dream,
They sleep with only fear,
They wake with no love,
They wake with a tear,
Call it a crisis, call it a curse,
How sad a song to sum of my life in a verse.
Fuck it; there's one thing I know to settle the score,
But you're better than that,
Or so they say, how the hell would they know anyway?
It all started in the beginning.
Creating this perfect world, that has no ending!
A magnificent place with many dreams
More than what anyone has seen
hell is when you cannot stop the tears
and you're stuck alone on a public bus
and everyone stares at you with pity
while you cry silently and pray to God
that you don't break into sobs.
and you do.
I watch anguish drag it’s grubby body to my toes,
I am decidedly defenseless, and only my eyes grow wide
As the gates in my chest close
Crushing my heart and lungs in heavy encasement.
Before You
There was another
Seed that was sewn
Oh, the poor child
Whose sex was unknown
A boy or a girl
Time wouldn’t tell
According to gospel
I’m going to hell
Oops.
I am not in love with you,
But I have written too many poems
With your names in all of the blank spaces
To ignore this feeling.
I see faces pass me by. Faces that I used to know but they’re all strangers to the strange--they don’t know the world I know. I hear their voices, a whisper in my ear, telling me all the things I don’t want to hear.
Morning in the autumn
Yellow, orange, and brown leaves cover the ground, all the
Heat has left them
Everything feels old and tired, making me feel young and fresh
A cool wind stirs the world
A single flicker,
A single sign of hope,
The dim light,
It’s blinding his eyes.
As he scratches at the bricks,
Tries to tear them apart,
Till his fingers are left raw,
And the bricks remain unaltered.
Your shrieking alarm clock, breaking
into heaving slumber, demands of you
a choice: do you close your tired eyes
against daylight’s insistent calling,
burrowing into soft sheets, and return
Like an Eskimo, I wear many layers
I am kept hidden away
Safe from discovery or attack
Each layer represents insecurity
I put on more layers
I want to stay hidden
Unnoticed
Three years ago
I couldn't understand
the concept of missing someone
because they were always
a phone call away.
Until I woke up
to tears on faces I'd never seen before
and my rock crumbled
Take a glimpse into my alternate reality,
But there is something new.
This sliver of hope,
gleaming,
so lovely.
Don't snatch it from my grasp
and pry it from my fingers.
It's the only thing I got.
Police patrol.
Ambulance's sirens scream.
Gunshots fire.
People run,
In attempt to save their own lives.
I wish that I didn’t have to tell you how beautiful your body is.
I wish that the world would shout about the beauty in the map of your skin.
The freckles, stretch marks, bumps and scars
Lady lazarus kissed me on the forehead
Never again will I cry because
She stole my heart and embroidered
It with diamonds and emeralds
Who will i be when I learn to fly?
His hollow black eyes whisper lethal,
but he sure knows how to weave grace into a dull ribcage.
His secrets of elegance deter one from the uncertainties of existence.
We’ve all been there.
Crash and burn.
Decisions made, lessons learned.
Finding ourselves becomes a vast concern.
Life doesn’t guarantee a safe return.
Terrible choices lead to losing your way.
Do you remember,
The night of the fifth In September?
On that cold and rainy day,
When I came and took you away.
The feeLings I felt,
Were much more then just beneath my belt.
Then the holidays came...
you’re getting married saturday.
you’re marrying the man you deemed better
than my father, the man you figured was
more suitable for you than
three children, a loving husband,
a house with large windows
Recovery is a process and not an event
It's a struggle not to win but to find some common sense
We're stuck in a world where failure is wrong
Well, failure is a puzzle piece that completes our song
Today is the day of recovery
Shameless nights of inferiority
Days felt like Nights
Mights were a wild haze
I admitted my flaws today
Now surrounded by white walls, amazed
Kids my age are in the same place
i go back to work to see what the atmosphere is going to feel like
there are people still suffering from last week tragedy that are in dire need
as a nation, we must continue to help and grow numerous amounts of seed
Here goes the under goer bypassing and shedding skin into new light that was only evident between seas of shadow. But as oppose to the useless struggle traveling into void of confusion.
Embrace who you are,
and you'll go far,
don't live in fear,
for then you won't
see the world clear.
It’s clear by now I’ll never like
tennis or running or those
weight obsessed thin people
who won’t even eat one calorie more than allowed.
It’s the turning point in my life,