Today, today

Today is the day when finally I say 

“I can’t”

Oh and I promise that when I say I can’t you would of seen that I am finally correct 

So I’m just gonna hit you with my soft smile

I mean you can kinda tell that there something else going one

I’m just that un-written novel and I’ll never talk like the day before yesterday 

Now today is the day I can’t go ask my mom for help

And today is the day where even I can’t just ask help

Today’s the day where my bed feels like an eternal home and sleep feels like heaven instead of hell

But I want to let you know that this crave for physical affection is going to end up kill me

And now I don’t want to be touched anymore 

Now today is the day where I can’t just call the doctors on my own

And walk into a office and say

“I don’t feel like myself anymore”

Do you think I’m trying?

I guess you don’t know

Yet today is the day where the women sitting next to me sounds like a roar and I can’t handle it anymore

Mocking you could say,

Stop screaming, please

And today’s the day when the man touched me on the gray subway

With my cup drugged up, please tell me what’s goings on—

Where am I, wait who am I, clothes off, alarmed, please get of off me , 

“Someone please help me”,

But Today, today is  the day where mom can’t stop walking in to ask if I’m ok

Today is the day where all I can do is see my dad in my room

And today is the day where I feel like I am not a women anymore 

Do I have any more value left?

Do people know that I am not a women anymore?

Am I even a women anymore?

Why did he have to touch me.

Today’s the day where the bags under my eyes are so very purple and bright red

“Do you think she’s trying”

Don’t worry, I can hear you from across the room

I nod my head but you can tell everything is all so wrong-

Today’s the day where I went to go visit my dads lonely grave 

And today’s the day my favorite song to ever come out just makes me feel delayed  

But today I-I felt my stomach sink when I saw him on the gray subway,

Today is the day where I’m under supervision because I’m not allowed to be alone anymore 

Then today is the day where alarms are set every 30 minutes to check if I’m ok 

I’m not allowed to lock my room anymore 

Am I ok?

Maybe not today

But today,

Today is the day where the pills look more inviting but so does that blade 

Today is the day where talking feels like I’m using energy that I don’t even have 

Today’s the day where breathing is just me inhaling everything but air

1,2 what am I doing

3,4 who am I to say that I have a voice 

5,6 do I have the right to breath

7,8 Does the man on the gray subway define who I am now? 

9,10 I can’t take this anymore

But finally today is the day where I can only say 

Sorry.

I’m sorry that my brain is

Sick

I’m sorry you can tell that I’m not ok 

“What’s wrong”

But all I can do is just nod my head

“I hope she’s still trying”

But the truth is-

 

I was raped.