There is beauty
in life, in death, in whatever comes before
but beauty mostly resides
inside of a heart
where it can grow, flourish, and learn
to affect the heart it calls home
to beat life into a person
who will grow as a host
to the astounding amount of beauty running through one's veins.
Some beauty radiates through even the thickest skin,
penetrating the outside world
with so much force,
one cannot help but stop to admire
these extravagant beings
the beautiful people
And then, there are the people like me.
For the longest time, hiding their beauty
smothering it in vain attempts
to make it change, to force it to glow the same color
as the beautiful people’s,
we are doing nothing,
but pouring what little beauty we may have left
with thoughts of anger, change, and desire
to be less like us
and more like them.
We spend so much time pretending,
we forget what we love
so we can be loved by everyone.
And then our inner beauty will not shine,
not the way we want.
It sits, lonely and cold,
waiting to be aroused.
Forgotten beauty is a terrible thing.
Mine called to me for years,
trying to get me to listen.
No more, it said.
And so I asked it why it would not shine.
I asked why some people,
the beautiful people,
shine like stars in the dark, even more so in the light.
And I asked what I was doing wrong,
why would it not shine for me?
I asked many questions, but I never
when my heart replied
And I hated myself for not knowing
when the answer was
And my beauty cried to be let out
And my heart cried to listen
And my soul cried for me to Just be
and instead of listening to their cries
I cried myself to sleep at night
because each day I lost myself
a little more
in the way society cried for me to be.
I tried to be someone else for so long
I no longer existed.
I was lost in the souls
of a thousand other girls, corrupted by images
of paper thin stomachs
and ocean sized curves
and highlighted hair
and perfect makeup
and popularity beyond my wildest dreams.
I tried to pretend,
but I’ve never been able to act
and so I failed
and I drifted
A year ago, I began to wake up,
and hear only silence
and at first it confused me.
I didn’t realize it was because
my heart had given up
and my beauty was drowning
and my soul was exhausted
and they no longer cried to be heard.
I thought I was happy
I thought anger was who I was
I drifted down the path
of rule breaking
I stole, and I felt proud.
I lied, and I giggled inside.
I thought I had never been so alive
when really, the good in me had died.
My family was upset,
I could tell
but I just laughed, and ignored their warnings
muttering curses under my breath
I didn’t even care. They could all go to hell.
Looking back, I am ashamed. I should have listened,
things today might be different.
It wasn’t until I started to lose friends
I realized things had to change.
I had drifted away
I am drifting
slowly, with help from everyone I love
I came back to life
We moved, and with the move
I left behind my old life
If I can even call it that.
I took out my guitar, my viola, and my voice
and I rediscovered the music
I had loved so much as a small child.
I found happiness in creating, instead of destroying
I wrote poems, stories, songs
I drew out my hatred on paper,
then threw it away
My center, my life can be found
laid out in graphite on the pages of a sketchbook
or in between notes
on the metallic strings of a guitar.
I wear black, not because I feel black
but to remind myself that no matter how dark something seems
there is always a sort of light, a hidden beauty.
My beauty shines through my skin,
even more than I wanted it to
so many years ago.
I shine brighter than the stars
the stars I so wanted to be
only because I decided
I didn’t want to be them after all.
a person can heal.
I grew stronger.
And I found myself
I still learn,
I still make mistakes.
But now, I fix the mistakes I made
before they have the chance
to swallow me whole.
For the first time,
I have friends.
I am happy, energetic.
I know who I am.
I am an artist.
And I love the way I glow.
I am among
the beautiful people.
Because I finally