adulthood
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so much has happened
since i've last wrote.
i haven't been taking the time to write
as much as i used to
and it's because i'm not lonely anymore
well, not as lonely as i used to be
i met the devil last night
she wore my face
and had slinked on my body like a coat
she looked like myself,
though a few years younger
Tell me I’m not growing old,
Face is falling,
Curling then folds
My eyes are blurry
Not quite right
No remedy to fix this
Plant a kiss
On whoever’s forehead you can
Without awakening
The more goodbyes the better,
But too many
On those who care too much
20.
Just beginning adulthood
Leaving my childish days as I should
But the childhood memories never leave my mind
At 0 years of age, I was growing by the months
Ever since I was born
I have never done this before.
It's a calm autumn afternoon in my high school foods room.
I'm volunteering for a children's cooking class by helping them cut their apples.
Gripping and pressing down on the curves of my wrists
I could feel the fabric of his bed beneath me
The soft sheets similar to the touch of my crib
A 1-year-old giggling and amused at the mobile above
The day I grew pessimistic of the world
I knew I could longer run under my mother’s breast and curl
The moment I felt the undefined shadow pierce my heart
No One’s Coming
I wish that time would stop again.
Lying still in perfect darkness, bundled up in illness and discomfort.
When I was in the ninth grade
The school wanted us professional in how we dress and how we behave
A certain day of the week
Which they called a bit of a treat
From the normalcy of uniforms of khaki and navy
Child Like by Natasha Bartley
When did I realize I wasn’t a kid anymore, you ask?
I have yet to understand the concept.
Of child.
Alone
Am I independent or lonely?
I don’t know
Loneliness
A word that has become synonymous with sadness but started out as just being alone
Covered by the darkness within me holding me hostage with the burden of grief.
Falling to my knees in faith that I could one day be enough for you, for everything I do.
I Don’t Want To Grow Up
16 years young
Just graduating high school
With the thought of
“Man college is going to be so cool!”
Wrong.
17 years young
Just starting college (registered at night)
When was the moment I realized I was an adult
Maybe when I no longer could place the blame and say it was someone else’s fault
Or maybe it was when I could mentally make sense out of certain childhood trauma
I love my mother
I love her warmth
I love her wit
I love her fearlessness and admire her endurance
I love the way she loves strangers
I love the way she loves me
In adolescence,
Small town girl
Big City dreams
The world's open seas
One door shuts, one door opens
Watch her grow
From Disney to Netflix, From velcro to tie
From parents to friends
From a child to adult
It isn’t that I didn’t see it coming or wasn’t warned
It’s that I never imagine it happening so fast
As though I hopped into a time machine
and now I’m here
When you claim to not be a child, it's like
Saying you can breath underwater or see through walls:
Only a child thinks that.
But to say an adult cannot be a child
The stars tumbled down at once,
White diamonds upon fragile palms.
Hazy sapphires festered and fused,
As if Van Goh’s Starry Night
I remember the one phrase I used to tell myself all the time.
“Man, I wish I was a grown up.
Adults get to do whatever they want, it would be so cool”
But what is cool about
The day was cold with a bitter wind
Not a sun beam to be seen
My rent was due, my fridge was empty and bland
How did it get like this?
I remember the days of an endless amount of food,
The numbers on my phone screen
glared me in the face.
Another week 'till payday--
I wouldn't make it at this pace.
Movies and icecream, fun, and spending galore
The first time I grew up,
I was ten years old.
I was wearing a blood red dress
And a wide-eyed, prepubescent smile.
My mother bought me ice cream
When your face gets more and more wrinkles
and your eyes become deadened without its twinkle
that’s when you know you’re an adult
When no one cares about your excuses
It’s all about how you can fix this
I bounded down the stairs devoid of a single care.
School was out and it was time to have fun.
I peaked out the window to see pairs of girls with flowing hair
and kids like me soaking up the sun.
The day is bright.
The night is dark.
Time seems to stop in the arms of my mother.
Now I only dream about my lover.
I was once a small seed.
Now I'm a flower growing with greed.
Now that I'm a "grown-up," it's time for me to go to college.
College is a canyon of mountainous buildings, each marked with a letter of the alphabet,
Each made up of halls, upon halls, upon halls, upon halls...
I can recall-perfectly,
A Time,
Made of Gold
Not the gold,
That you both laced around me,
binding my neck and wrists.
The heart of a man is one that becomes numb to hardship
some break down in pain or becomes hardened by it
exprience over time creates wholeness and a sense of self
when all things in your youth loses life
I no longer need my mom’s help
Phone bill and food all paid off by myself
Ordering at least three pairs of shoes
My mom now doesn’t have a single clue
I'm nervous
I'm anxious
I'm a panicked soul
Oh if only peace would find these shaking pains
Pulsing the coldness through my veins
A hard wood high chair was where I sat
It is uncomfortable now but not at the age I was at
I looked around the room and saw many people eating
It was another Saturday night and we were having a family meeting
When I realized
I was filled with shock.
It had never before occured to me that,
I was no longer a child.
I had sought the concept of being a grown up
for as long as I could remember.
Adulthood daunting, calling, taunting.Empty applications haunting.Heartbeat thudding in my chest,Through one more standardized test.
Dad drinks all day.
Pops a pill and lays all day.
Mom is sick again.
Doesn't know if she will make it.
Brother is older, but mentally is not.
Having to be a an adult can be hard.
I can feel it inside me
like a fire burning from within
the stresses of life burning a hole in my core
the bills that need to be paid
the friends that are fading away
the job that i despise but need
The busy streets of adulthood is flooded with cars
The traffic goes by and next thing you know, you see the stars
The busy streets of adulthood you wished to be as a kid
Time flies by and you wish it didn't
Everything comes to an end
Something you have to get used to
Something that we can’t stop
My words seem void to their unchanging mind
Each crafted phrase drops to the floor
no one picks them up.
no helpful mediator orders them
to accept my earnest attempts at having them understand-
rather
Do you ever just let your eyes wander,Let them sift along, searching for purpose?At once it appears, no time to ponder,On no account have I been so nervous.Nothing could fully prepare one for this;
I became grown-up
Much quicker than many
I was only 13
When they found a tumor in my belly
Technically it was in my ovary
I'm moving forward in life.
I need to take the advice.
There's a voice in the back of my head, checking it twice.
Make the right decisions, so that I'll avoid collision.
That wretched table
Stunted, hunkering low,
Plotting to maim me at the knees,
Gripped by grubby hands and crusty crumbs,
Waiting for me to shrink my self esteem
At the age of 4, I began new adventures;
A hedgehog, a vampire, no, a gamer starting to venture.
I was new and inexperienced, I just didn’t understand,
Like Kindergarten and field trips, I was entering a new land.
It started out with just the little things,
things you don't notice until someone points it out.
"Hey, you've grown" they might say,
or you suddenly realize none of your clothes fit.
When I was little,
I used to be afraid of
the dark.
I was afraid of all kinds of things:
spiders,
vampires,
snakes, and
The flower bud in my lobby
I plucked, coming in cold and numb.
Plum stolen from the vase,
And twisted against my thumb.
Elevator doors closed,
He calls me grumpy pants because I wrinkle my nose
And yeah it's a pretty white thing to say
But the smile that seems to ascend into his face is worth it
Pain in the Ass
From the moment I was born I have been
a complete pain in my mothers ass,
literally, red faced and over eager to escape
where I came from, I broke her tailbone.
Pain in the Ass
From the moment I was born I have been
a complete pain in my mothers ass,
literally, red faced and over eager to escape
where I came from, I broke her tailbone.
Growing up is not a thrill
There are feelings you must hide
There are truths you must face
There is disappointment you must deal with
You learn the world is not as rosy as you thought
Remember the timeRemember thenThat instance,When, oh when
Our youth, when we did what we didDidn’t care, didn’t giveInto the pressures, of parents or peersMan, those timesRemember?
“Carpe Diem” is a phrase that I am
introducing to you in the hope that you
will remember what it means and why it
matters.
I brought you into this world.
I gave you a home, food, and guidance.
Come get with the show
Ice is not snow
It’s time to pack your bags and go
Come back to Earth
Know what your worth
Don’t let your days be filled with hurt
Allergic to Adulthood
You grow up understanding,
Until the day you don’t.
You grow up knowing,
Until the day you won’t.
They tell you that it’s easy.
Once upon a time
there was a young dreamer
who worked the long days
in crippling fever
and when night fell
her weepy eyes close
exhaustion fade black
aspiration to grow
I can measure my life in moments:
Before and after and when.
When I realized that my parents weren’t google and God combined,
And, no matter how hard I searched,
I’d never find an adult who could fix anything,
Who stole the light from your eyes?
I would say don't give me that face
But I know there must be a reason for it
A reason I cannot solve
Nor stop,
Nor save
Of all my fears,
I never feared,
That you would ever leave me.
From countless nights,
To endless days,
My nonsense fears,
And foolish ways,
Your gentle heart would calm me.
Somehow
Time flew by
And it's only two more months
Before I close this chapter
And begin the next.
An eager goodbye to most
But forced and choked out for some
The sentence of an almost adultFor the crime of surviving this longNot livingEyes closed, shut tightThe only thing that had my name on it before now were
Over the course of the last year, I have experienced a significant amount of change
I graduated high school, leaving the security and stability behind
I lost some friends
my Mind was young, innocent, and hopeful
the prospects of Life shone brightly in front of me
but
Tragedy struck; rapidly, abruptly
At the start of January 2016, I just couldn’t wait
Because that was the year I would turn the big one-8
The age I would go to SoCal and find my flow
A light that beckons from a lamp.
The yearning of our innocence, the drawing to our roots.
It beckons you forth from the dark, it promises light and warmth.
It is only there.
Naivety was the epitome of my childhood and adolescence
Naivety barred me from the veracity of life
I was hopeful and enthusiastic
Of life and it’s beginnings
light filters through the shades
and my heart starts to pound;
i am awake,
and my consciousness burns.
touch is sensitive.
sheets around my legs feel cool and comforting,
and my mind swirls.
For years and years and years I thought,
“Oh, I just can’t wait ‘til I’m grown up!”
“I’ll go wherever I want and do as I please.
Preperation
was never enough.
Walls so large
but still I puff
I stay tough
though it can be rough
I may fall
but I stand tall
I will stay diligent
always remaining vigilant
I reminisce of weightlessness:
peering down into 10, 20 feet of air.
My delicate days,
I recall,
as a haze
full of branches:
a careful cloud
of offshoots
that, long as I could,
Adulthood snuck up on me, deceived me
Oh, she’s a sly one
She flirted with me for a time, dangling her alluring maturity and ravishing freedom before my eyes
Mom, for so long my heart was an etch a sketch
And I kept it drowned in the depths of childhood memories
Where your remindings from
Aged scars and past improper lovings
Would constantly change my mind and remind me
It gets lonely sometimes
When you are your ony friend
The popular girl 10 months ago
Has finally met her end
At least thats what it appeared to be
Parties drugs and alcohol
all slowly consumed me
The frantic forest floor,it was so cluttered once,every rustle was news, unsilenceable.Leaves fell, animals tracked through the dappled shifting sunlight, and it was all important.
Remember when you were a child?
Running free outside,
When your aspirations were wide.
Swinging on the swings
and pretending you had wings.
Watching cartoons
on a sunday afternoon.
Theres a man over there
A boy over here
I am just, right in between
"This is stupid!",the boy screams
"Fight it", the man calmly says
In the background a band plays
To the left there is a teen
"Why must all that was once beautiful now be hideous? Why has the innocence of the world turned into the perversion of society?" Whispered a child with an utmost longing for reasons.
So I've never been one for these poems and things
Writitng has never been a strong suit of mine
But I'm sick of holding back
Being the big kid, the smart kid, the one my parents never worried about
We're all just fucked up, living in a fucked up world.
I go out drinking to forget my boyfriend.
I find myself with an epiphany, I am more important.
I sigh and I sit on this pavement that is cold.
Is that why they drink?
So they don't have to think?
so they can pour all of their troubles down the sink?
Is the present so rough?
The transitiion so tough?
Notice all the old folks, hear them say
What happened to the kids nowadays?
Sitting on their ass, shorts way too high
Lying, cheating with pants down to their thighs
This is the age of the young, wild, and free
I gaze into the mirror, wait that isn't me
Someone else is looking back at me
An eldery man, clean shaven with striking brown eyes
I then realize, they are mine.
Sunken cheekbones of slow death
She was the glass she held in her hand.
Smooth and strong,
calm and contained like the like the liquid in the glass.
Then, life caught her off guard and she let the glass slip.
She is young
doesn't let others in.
She hides behind her schoolwork
but she excells.
For those who she allowed in
The strong person finds inspiration in pain and strife.
The weak person wallows in it.
Choose your person
Find your strength
Remember who you are,
What you stand for
As a seed we learn and soak in experiences and hurt.
Our growth is formed solely in our direction whether we follow the light of the sun or the dark of the room.
But to learn in the right we must be taught by another.
The legend of the koi fish goes that if the koi fish swims up the waterfall
it one day it will become a dragon.
Since I was little,
I'm my own mind,thoughts, and process
Creating thoeries from my past
Asking why did I turn out the way I am
Thinking sullenly like the dark clouds in the sky
The Magic is gone, I said
As I looked up at the kingdom
Tiered like a cake with its blue and white frosting
I stood there, I stared
The magic no longer lived there
Pavement painted black
Let's say I've learned my lessonOver and over again.I swore that you would change...
...yeah, right...
You couldn't achieve your dreams now you wanna live through me. Looking for my lost thoughts with wall in front of me. How can I achieve when you don't believe in me? It isn't my fault your dreams didn't soar like the trees.
The building blocks you put down stack so high that they touch the sky
The skyscrapers you make are so tall they remind me that I'm so small
And I admire your optimism
Why is it kids are forced to grow up so fast?
Never taking a moment to let their childhood last
For them, adulthood comes too soon
Not even yet in their full bloom
They start off innocent and pure
The ceiling is empty when it comes to answers
but what else am I to look up to?
My mind is on overdrive
Am I still a child?Still having to ask for permission when no one is aroundAnd being told "You're grown", but always being shut down?
this morning tonight,
preparing to what is set forth,maybe destiny;
i speak to the light,
crying and weeping, unknowingly pressing forward hastily;
maybe one day i'll know, no; be
When I was a little girl, the world couldn't contain my imagination.
I was the one who would look at the moon and wonder what it would look like, how brightly it would shine, if it was twice as big.
Senior year is magical
Filled with memories and radical
Ideas on who we are supposed to be
Alive and free
We say is what matters most
When I was a kid I was gonna be married with kids at this point
When I was a kid
I’m still a kid—still feel like one
I watch cartoons and wear fuzzy socks and my parents pay my bills
And my parents pay my bills
the bed like cotton on my back,
but like a rock to my head-
the smile so daunting to my heart,
but fun in my head.
the feeling of adulthood
so foreign
I'm tired of pretending I'm happy.
I'm tired of pretending I'm okay.
I'm tired of pretending I don't care,
when there's so much more I could say.
I'm crying out, but no one hears.
The change of seasons is sounded with a light breeze
Autumn arrives with the sound of crunching leaves,
The start of a great harvest for a new beginning
I listened to an old song.
It’s been five years passed…
It took me back
to when I was only 13.
For being so young, I was so haunted.
The world was black and white.
I lived in Arizona
but even the rays of lightcouldn’t
penetrate my dark cloud.
I l
Eighteen is seven months away,
Each day I’m learning a little more about what adult means.
It’s the time in our lives when diapers and pull ups are exchanged for boxers and thongs.
Our sippy cups for have changed into
I'm astonished by the big towers and flashing lights The sound of the bustling street seems unreal A young man coming out into this new world and venturing out on his own The pressure and anxiety that it holds is almost unbearable
There once was a dragon.
He breathed fire.
He was bright pink with golden stripes.
But he wasn’t a mean dragon.
He was a nice dragon who flew around and gave people cotton candy.
Don't dread on you past.Live each moment as your last. Don't just lay and sleep.Get up on your feet. They say "all comes to those who wait."Truth is, "all comes to those who get up and work hard for it."
Come in this life fresh and new,
Once that legal age,
You’ll never look back.
Feel the same,
Think the same,
Don’t look any different.
You know it,
Everyone knows it.
It takes me back to the carriage
Where mama would craddle me at night
They way I would loudly sob when i needed her
The anticipation I would get while waiting for her to rescue me
That feeling of uselessness
Unable to fulfill the desires of them
What did they want of a child in the first place?
A child in his teen years
Leaving a note for his mother
I’m from
Six months in a clustered, condensed, claustrophobia-inducing,
Guidance office
Learning that I’m normal.
the
light in your eyes
that shines
when you laugh
used to
light up my world
and my world was
a small town
and our little house
with our
big garden
and it was
comfortable
When I’m standing at this ridge between today and tomorrow,
And I’m learning to fix my mouth to call myself a woman,
And l scratch for the crack of a niche in which I’ll fall into place,
I exhale and I write.
I would say I love the like the night loves the day,
But we cannot correlate the feelings of all the times I created each one.
My poems were a song of sorrow,
They expressed my deepest anger with the world I used to know.
Life is coming at you quick
There is no place to turn
College is upon you
Adult hood is upon you
Life - is upon you
Those days are gone
The days of sitting down at tables
French-fries in hand
It's kinda funny how when you're small all you dream about is growing tall and becoming an adult.
But they never said life would be this hard. It's not all sugar plums and fairy tales.
Mommy, I wish you never painted my room pink.
Why weren't the walls white?
Why did you let me choose the sparkling sandcastles as my border?
I remember them glistening like my tears do now.
It happens so quickly. You go to your classes, you do the same thing every day, and then it hits you - you're not a kid anymore. You see your older friends leaving high school.
I am a teenager.
My soul is like the surface of the sun.
It's always changing and rearranging, and each day my heart runs to the beat of a new drum.
Just like every teenager, I am enlightened and exposed to new things.
I've looked into the faces of my elders
and seen a child's tears.
I've seen in their eyes
the sadness that comes
with wisdom beyond their years.
Are adults hardened children?
Splintered amongst our feet,
the birchwood door we have come to love.
Gave comfort in time of refreshment.
Praised security with needless fear.
--A deep sigh in the stress--
My dear, dear, family
I am so sorry that the very
Gaze of my eyes when
I look at you
Only widens the fissures between
us.
I came all this way to ask you to watch me leave through the backdoor
Of a house I call child’s play.
To hold my hand as I cross the line I call my childhood
And abandon this child like mind behind
The questions in my mind,
Answers hard to find.
If I may be so bold…
How can you be so cold?
Temperature below zero,
I’d rather hug my pillow.
Indifference cuts right through,
Mommy, why are my hands so small?
Why does everyone say I look like you when I don’t see it at all?
Why do you say I have ocean blue eyes
and run your hands through my hair when it’s nothing but dry?
I once knew a child whose burden was light
With a heart so pure and eyes so bright.
They sang and danced to music no one could hear
With the voices of rain whispering in their ear.
I can’t help but feel this sense of regret
In every blink, in every breath.
I forced myself ahead a step;
Forgot what it was that I should have kept.
Curiosity breached as temptation crept
You built me up, up to the clouds
In my throne, as I looked down
At all the faces that stood below
Just to keep me as your little girl.
Kept me there safe and protected
The world is changing
And so am I
Gaining new experiences
And learning to get by
I'm growing and thriving
And battling fear
Of being alone
In pursuit of a career
So much is new
Periodically I find myself coming to the realization I’m an adult, and it’s daunting.
Mature
Unfurl new wings,
Anxious to taste freedom,
Yet afraid to take the first leap,
Adult
