survivor
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The vivid light
blinded my eyes
as I was reminded
of his deleterious touch
that lingered within my soul.
I struggled
The vivid light
blinded my eyes
as I was reminded
of his deleterious touch
that lingered within my soul.
I struggled
"you know i was looking for your death certifit" are 9 words no 14 yo should know let alone say to his best friend
Y'ALL! I presented this poem in 2017 at a talent show and got a standing ovation.
If that isn't skills, I don't know what is. Anyways - thought I lost it, then I found it!
Please enjoy.
Here we stand
Much to their surprise
Or dismay
Or confusion
Fat men are a whisper
A forest cut down for comedic relief
Only seen if we are funny
Only loved if we have money
While I was bleeding. You didn't feel My hurt or hear my heart beating. While I was bleeding my crys had no meaning. I was just some shut, some where. He told me I was worthless and didn't want me anymore.
Hey kid.
Keep doing what you’re doing
I know sometimes it hurts to exist
I know no one seems to understand
I know you’re afraid to tell them
There’s so much we will never tell
Me too.
Two words with the weight of the world.
Me too.
I say them to myself.
Me too.
I say it to my sister.
Her face turns pale as the salty tears roll down my face.
little brown rabbitin a field of coyotes—hoppy survivor
.
.
© 2018 Mark Toney. All rights reserved.
You, my dear, are nothing special.
No more significant than the dust
On your unread books.
No more important than the stale
Ambition in your eyes,
Or the grey clouds in the sky.
within the empty space there lies
a chance to let my loved one live and breathe and move
while some allow the empty space to remain just an empty tomb
my empty space is filled with life of all that he didn't get to do
You weren’t storm, but hurricane
They’ll name them all after you now
Through my rose colored glasses
Your clenched fists looked like hands to hold
19
Who would’ve thought
I’d be living it up in Florida.
I always thought Maryland
Would be all I knew
And then I got uprooted to
North Carolina
And I thought I’d never leave.
Smoke to ease the pain away just for a little bit
My brain moving at the speed of light I be thinking ‘bout some real shit
The feelings of depression falling over my shoulders with that blanket feeling
First off, lemme just say this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do
And least of all people, who would’ve thought it had to be to you.
You are the true definition of a ride or die
When I was young, each day was so incredibly filled with possibility.Each moment burst with fresh emotion so bright and furious that it burned out all feelings prior to it.
Dear Devil,
You sneaks into my house at night
Paralyzing our voices when need to be spoken And poking at heartbroken woman with no windows
Home, Farewell, amongst the inevitable rubble
As the nights fall does the ground darken
Home, Farewell, amongst the oil black ground
accompanied by the sound of a muffled radio
The Greek white columns stood fierce and erect--
all things I only wish I could be.
I stepped into the courthouse
Afraid and uncertain,
My mind is a battlefield
It has trouble distinguishing danger from safety
It makes rain on a tin roof sound like gun fire
Makes fireworks on the Fourth of July into an air raid
Standing before you all with pride,
Getting all the limelight.
Flashes, and cheers,
Crowd applauding, I hear.
'Miss Beautiful Smile', they've crowned me as.
Posing to the media, I get flashbacks.
I wish you would just hit me
But you got inside my bones
and split me from the inside.
I hate that I’m that girl
who writes poetry about a boy
to feel human again.
But you’re not a boy,
I truly never thought it'd be me,
'cause as a kid all my cares were free.
So when she looked me in the eyes and said chemo starts soon,
my heart opened up to the emotional wound.
I am a victim.
I am a victim of my own mind.
I hold myself captive.
I am also my own abuser.
For years I have abused myself
into being the victim of my own mind.
The demon will always be with me.
It used to control me,
Control what I did, who I talked to.
I could only talk to those who knew, others wouldn't understand.
But at the same time,
I couldn't tell anyone.
Bleeding, crying and hiding.
Scared of the train that went past your house at exactly midnight,
but really just scared of everything.
You were supposed to run wild and build blanket forts.
My play-doh set. My brown barrette.
My high top shoes. My young views.
My dirty shirts. My elbow hurts.
My parents yelling. My lips never telling.
She did not even know your last name
She only knew you from Psych 101
If she only knew what was to come
Little conversations here and there
She started to open up
It’s different than a period
Dripping down your thigh -
That’s from me: that’s mine.
Not the boy at the party who
Let you feel safe -
Oft awake a feeling,
Total misery.
Cat starts a meowing,
Come and feed me.
Stretch yawn and wonder,
Will I ever feel free?
This deep and heavy burden,
Within deep Centre of me.
Planting seeds is easy when you all you do is watch.
It becomes embedded very early that alter to this path you'd
be awash.
Later on things seem normal, in the family home .
I can't work out why it didn't work today, yesterday, or the year
before.
Try as I might to make things happen exhaustion often intervenes.
Many an idea come my way, buildings, new business, space, and
I first recognised it as an infant, becoming accustomed to this trait.
Sporadic bursts of love and laughter were sure signs
this was meant to be.
Then monumental loss replaced it with a scourge of darkness
I always knew my aunt was a fighter
Since she was a little girl she had been fighting for her life, suffering in health, but exceeding in everything else
Survivor's guilt sounds
like my sister getting beat in the next room
for something I know I did.
That's the thing-- I did.
I did not. Did, did not.
I did I did I did NOTHING.
My body has been burned
Scorched and used
From the times my feathers were ripped from my body
In a pillow fight I will never win.
My bones are fragile
I know how it feels
To live in a house but sleep in the guest room,
Have to ask if you can eat this cereal, or that bread, or that milk,
To the one who took my life from me:
The way my nightmares used to speak
I thought it would be in screams and in shouts.
I'm tired of being censored.
I know all my loved ones are so concerned,
But haven't you all learned?
I need normalcy- I yearn for it.
Sweet dreams are made from sober dazzling inseams,
Those seams were once clogged by cocaine fog.
Where are your words, little writer?
He taunted you; “aren’t you a fighter?”.
Though I run till my breaks hurt
I have loved till I tasted dirt.
And all of the embodiment of a 4’11 squirt.
I have no reason to apologize for all of his lies.
to the oppressed:
In a world, so dark and cold where all hope is lost
good and evil right and wrong are throw away like paper
however plenty there is not
Little one don't even try
To rid yourself of sin
Little one just live your life
Sweet child of the nephilim
Little one please keep in mind
The way you treat your fellow kin
Little one be fair and kind
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
Swallow the threatening tears down.
They have no place here now.
Breathe in...
Breathe out...
Inhale past the tightness and knots inside.
When I was 10,
While brushing my teeth I noticed
my gums bleeding-
And my mother told me
That it was just bad blood leaving the body.
That I’m doing such a good job,
At respecting myself.
Does no still mean no if its accompanied by an "I dont"?
If it came out with a laugh dipped in liquor and exhilaration
But ended in a chuckle soaked in fear and discomfort?
Phone a friend to make sure I wasnt over reacting
tonight is one of those nights where
i am clawing at the bed sheets hoping to find
the comfort that the mattress store promised.
I saw you,
Once in a dream, twice with a scream.
You stood there watching,
Praying.
Waiting.
I was there playing,
Singing, hoping.
Like fairies on a flower,
We danced on short legs,
I just wanted to write and say, in case you ever wonder or are filled with regret
Or in case your heart decides
to change after asking for forgiveness
Look,
there’s a reason they call us
“survivors” and “warriors.”
We wake up in the middle of the night,
eyes staring into the glow-in-the-dark stars we pasted long ago
and weep.
Sleeping is peaceful,
the darkenss is a blanket that surrounds and comforts.
Dreams are vivid, full of life, and love.
I lay my head on the pillow ready for peace to overcome my soul.
A year defined and caged by a measurement, and constrained by time, could never explain the revelations, or cover the cost of my silent frustrations.
I watched her,
I watched her fingers untangle
from the struggling grip of my hands.
I watched her eyes grow in hate and sorrow
from the shattering promises
I am the little girl who likes to be alone. I’m from hurtful words that nobody knows about, where the world is a playground and my life is a song. I am from remembering a time when each day was long. I am the friend who always smiles when nothi
It was a happy place
rainbows sunshine colors toys
But now, it's far less -
It's a place filled with
formailties, correctiveness, commas...
And this was the breaking point.
They never talk about this.
They never talk about what happens after.
When the crowds leave.
When the pomp and circumstance has faded.
When there's nothing left but me and him.
There's velvet lining on a woven silk floor,mirrored ceilings, and I can't find the door.My peaceful palace, once plainly placate,was fearfully empty, everyone within did vacate.Though I too, tried to leave the room,
Two things I can't deal with A broken heart and a new addiction The man I loved abused my trust And at the moment I got zannies in my system I'm just a young female trying to make it In a world where if we don't got it we're going to take it The
Shadows,
Dark, cold spots in a ray of sun.
Shadows hide things,
Hide secrets.
You look at me,
You see a bright, smiling, happy person.
But it's only a wall,
And that wall,
I have seen you strength day in and day out
Fighting for the happiness of our family
Being the only thing keeping us sane in this mess
I’ve sat in this hospital bed for days
Wondering, contemplating, thinking,
Believing
Maybe I belong here.
Maybe I am as crazy as you say I am.
Maybe I was asking for it.
I am a flawed individual who's living day by day
Been in an lonely dark place for too long,
I'd to settle for less, which is wrong
"What's wrong?" they'd ask day by day
I am me.
I am crazy.
I am quiet.
I am loud.
I am not popular.
I am content.
I am me.
I am my playlist.
I am my grades.
I am small mind.
I am a great mind.
I am a survivor
I survive , that's what I do
I have seen peace I have seen war
I have witnessed the cruelty of man
The harshness of life, the discrimination of the society.
"Let me kiss away your pain"
It's not that simple
My scars are not visible
But the cuts are deeper than any knife
I don't let my struggle show
I am a survivor
One of many
Same story different writing
So how am I unique?
I could go on and on
I am a survivor of domestic violence
I had Daddy Issues
Identified through numbersand only a whisper of a namethat I cannot confirm,I don't know who I am.Ten years were stolen
I am Survivor Anne
Who has been cast away,
who could never meet demands by those
more cruel by the words they say.
And though they spit and punched and screamed
and tried to tear her dow
In a nutshell, I'm not a nut
At age 22, I lost half my gut.
Crohn's Disase was diagnosed so,
the surgeon snipped, clipped, and cut...
Stella, i named what was left.
She's a pretty,
Depression and anxiety,Those things that try to come back to me.O and that PTSD,
We the survivors,
Owe much to the real heroes,
Who's service,
We commemorate
On Memorial Day.
~ Ricardo
A cumbersome, catatonic existence can burn at my handsand I'll keep the torch with me, an old friend caught between young palms,ash and emotion make me stand:
The bleeding gives language to a
Pain I can't place words on.
So deep I can't feel it
I've become it.
It both consumes me and has composed me
And I am devoured by my own teeth.
They are not here to hurt us
They're supossed to be here for love
Now it doesn't feel like enough
Punished. Beaten. Abused.
They used us up
Now who am I?
Look at me and see what you have done!
the day i first met him i turned to stone.
my eyes seemed to fog over when he passed by me and my
normally nonstop lips fused together.
he seemed to fit so perfectly to me
like a lego in my lap but
"You're white, you're a girl, your life is easy."
On the outside looking in, I suppose:
I am white, I am a girl.
I come from a white family
Born into happiness and health.
Raised with respect and manners.
i would torch the city
if it meant that you would see the light
a million little fears
breaking down into ash
and as the tears in your eyes reflected the inferno shining bright
as you began to break inside
It has been said that all your cells (with some exceptions) are replaced every seven years.
Every seven years, you are a new person.
I was thirteen years old when he would touch me.
Alone.
Isn't that how it starts?I sit alone, waiting for a call
A call that could possibly save my life.
I am alone.
My depression eats me alive
But I still try.
Try.
I try to be happy
I am made of sticks and stones.
I rebuilt myself from those
I found
Strewn about the kitchen floor,
Remnants of your drunken tirades.
My bones felt hollow
When I learned that yours
Gravity seems compelled to affect my tears alone.
I'm suspended above the crowd that will always judge me.
They see me as falling,but I'm stuck in the air--
It was unexpected
‘cause I was just a kid.
Bike rides and doodles
of a man-eating squid.
Those pretty days were spent
on the lawn of my school,
laughing and gasping
Maturity can be seen in many opportunities. Staying classy with an attitude of nasty. Showing off my curves and edges, letting everyone know i have imperfections. Flashy ring and fancy cars may not be in my future. but atleast im not tortured.
What can you expect me to do? After always telling me I'm so little, so few. I'm never enough, not for you.
She sits alone,No one be told,She’s right there,Dying to be held,To be shown a new way,Living past a life of shame,It seems like a game,Noone stays,Pain craves,Inside and Out,
what I really hate the most is all this talk of “survival.”
my life is not a jungle filled with stripèd tigers and striking snakes.
my life is not a building going up in flames.
Rape.
It led to my silence.
For a year I let what happened control me, let HIM control me.
Fear.
I was scared.
I had been dating a boy for two years, seven months, and twenty eight days when he raped me.
My hairs a mess
I don't even distress of how I dress
my leggings are all worn
people are going to know it's all torn
The door finally closes, another day spent,
Another act finished, but I’m not content.
I look in the mirror, stare into my eyes –
Were they fooled today by my act, my disguise?
My body is a cocoon of pungent regret
holding its breath for the metamorphisis to a butterfly of knowledge
my body is a hub of nocturnal imagination
paints my dreams in garish tones and people hues
I am a girl.
I am a woman.
I should sit on the toilet, and stare at the wall, or the tub, or the sink.
My view should be of the things around me, not the things under me.
I am a human.
I am a person.
I see myself a vision of perfection,
Regardless of what my mother says that only god is,
If only god is I am god of my own self vision,
Anything else is kept to myself as self imprisonment,
His words were firmer than his hands
and his heart as firm as stone,
The man that I called dad
Yet I no longer have a home
It was only a matter of seconds
that his evil ways were ended,
It's not my looks that set me apart from the crowd.
My academic achievements make me no different from others either.
I am not smothered with popularity, and I am not showered with constant admiration.
Breath
your head is still above water
Shh, no reason to cry
the monsters can't get you anymore
Scream
that's right,
Yell
anything, just don't fall victim
you're stronger now
"Ok, she admitted Mommy you were right.Something unrealized until there was absence of light.Every word her mother said kept running through her head.
Idle Hands
Mishief's means
Consequences damned
For all to see
No thought of tomorrow
Only the now
No question of why
But rather, of how
All night to play
This is a story I never like to talk about but I have to let it off my chest and try to let it go.
You're a criminal! You stole it like a pro but guess what? All the pain and the truth I wear as a wound.
Forever heed the soldiers call
The blood of innocence shall they steal
And shall king kneel
'Till army fall
The face of purity soldier maul
So still, silent sound
I'm here hiding
Hiding under this thick shell
I'm tired of lying
I will raise some hell
Bring all of my flowing emotions out in the air
I'm done with being this person
Wash away this pain,
Like black rain,
Leave a mark where you go,
So I won’t have to know,
It’s hurting me inside,
Since my love died,
I can’t forget what I never
know,
Innocence was all she embodied.
Pulled away from the safe havens she dreamt in
Taken into the grim realities, a man's brutality.
When I speak, you listen but don't hear
My words touch you, but don't wound you
When I cry, you see but don't feel
My tears wash you, but don't cleanse you
When I try, you witness but don't notice
Little girl lost and alone
Won’t pick up the phone
Too scared to go back home
The bottles kept stacking up
Daddy didn’t you have enough
Anger grew, We all knew
What he was going to do to you
awesome is the way you've never failed to pick me up when I fall...
the way you move whenever anyone in the world calls your name.
If I was honest
With myself,
I'd say to the
Mirror
I was a desperate woman,
But only to love
The two people looking back
With everything
That I could ever give
Us
I close my eyes and let the darkness engulf me
I grab hold of reality, then fall into a deep abyss
My past is my nightmare and I am the creator
My heart, with wet tissues and closed valves, aches
I am always at war
Through high and low
Through chaos and darkness
Through the depths below
and when you've tried your hardest
Be still and know
All the days seem long
And the hurt runs deep
Bite me.
When I say I’m in a bad mood, don’t take it lightly.
It’ll be a fight g’
When you step to me.
‘Cus the stain on my heart burns like lightning striking a dried tree.
Acknowledging It.
Barbie pink panties and an oversized tee
Time to pick her cherry tree
Innocence, gift and curse
Him playing doctor and her playing nurse
I make love to the sunshine.
I caress it
Revel in it
And let it touch my every curve.
So long did I bask under fluorescent sky
So long did I breathe the stagnant taste of closed doors.
Meghan was a single mother of two
She worked until her fingers were red and blue
Her poor children would always whine and whine
One day she decided that would be the last time they whined
What would I change? The world in all it's mystery and pain is still beautiful in it's own way. Who would I change?
I have always felt sick, wounded, and worn.
I have been sick since the day that I was born.
My body became my own worst enemy
Constantly working so hard to kill me,
You are my past.
So why do I fear you?
For taking my innocence.
For taking my confidence.
For making me afraid of every man that comes near.
You are their past.
So why do they fear you?
It's great to stop caring.It's nice to not cry.The people in the world,Who I have to leave behind.
I'm a human grenade.A plane with no wheel.A hobo in the rain,and a no next meal.
Keeping a smile on your lips is harder than it looks
When you’re spiraling down in a sea of depression
One thing after another
These are close friend's for experiences. Rape can be prevented.
Him
Her
Them
Me
---
Do not give in, keep up the fight
when all hope is far away gone
bring the bigger dream to sight.
Press on, do not go into the light
do not be wooed by the angel's song
With him in mind she loses sight of who she is
And a very vivid imagine she has, she was told
And who would believe what had been done to her
Scared hiding from the thing scaring me
Scared of the loud sounds I hear
Scared that tomorrow may never come
Scared that life is to short for comfort
Scared to be alone
Scared that I haven't done enough
Stop the lying,
I see through you.
Stop the yelling,
I see through you.
Stop the staring,
I see through you.
Stop the pushing,
I see through you.
Stop and realize,
When u look at me what do you see? It’ll be better if u picture me with your eyes closed. Without the accessories and nice clothes. Ignore the nakedness of my worn body and look into my soul. And what do you see?
I like shopping a lot! Jeans, khakis, shorts: booty or not, skirts: long or short. The tops! Shirts V-neck, T, crop top, one shoulder, strapless, just bra, no bra!
You make me sickAll you do is complainCan you say something that will stick?Or just try to even explain
Subconsciously I feel like I'm being wrapped in my own blanket, being protected by my own mind.
Something about the darkness of a room gives me chills, I love not knowing what's on the other side.
The mask I wear.
The whispered dreams at night.
The long scars and small tears.
The shadow hidden and out of sight.
What I am on the outside, middle, inside,
Which one is real, which do I hide?
A needThe emptiness of a soulThe desire to be wantedA hopeless caseWanting to be heard
A messageHaving so much to sayBut no one to listenHating myselfAnd everyone else
Im surrounded by familiar faces,
The choice has been made I will meet my demise,
Torture is realized, life flashing before my eyes,
I place the gun to my head as I begin to die.
I can’t fly with
Your words
Clipping my wings too short
To grow back full enough
Let me escape
Your grip around my
She yearns for compassion and love but cant find it
Its as if everyone is blindsighted
How can she be strong if hate is ignited
everywhere she goes people stop and stare
when she judges herself so shamefully,
Her bones have been broken and she crawls, her legs dragging along, erasing the footsteps of yesterdays routine. Every inch creaks and snaps and in agony, she stays silent. " I am Lament." The sadness of yesterday wavers in her face and she a
Welcome to the hospital.
Where they strip you of your human rightsLike liberty and lawful due processYour right to choose, and live, and think,Then say you have Delusions of Persecution.
On January 13, 2012, it is the premature end of MY world as I know it.
I’ve been trapped on this sinking ship for seven hours,
But I’ll you my story about purgatory in a minute--
Tiny eyes shouldn’t see what I had,
Tiny hands aren’t meant to hold secrets,
A tiny heart shouldn’t break like that,
The tears I cry, they started then,
So many years ago.
When he came in and took what he did,
Her face is almost imprinted in my mind like a melody. The image is just on repeat. I've never seen anything like that. Maybe it's who she is on the inside that radiates out. But her face shines with such a light I can't explain.
