Why did I put up a fight

If he was going to tear through me anyway 

Carve me like a jack-o-lantern 

Scoop out my insides

And leave them on the floor

To rot around me

Why did I put up a fight 

If I was going to feel him forever after anyway

The next day

One month later

Two months later 

Three months later 

Four months later

Four months and 10 days later

Feel him

With every stare that lies too long

Every foreign touch 

Even familiar touch;

That somehow my memory can no longer retain 

Feel him

In every second of sleep

And all the miserable moments before

In small, 

Scattered 

Doses,

Sometimes 

In large quantities 

All at once;

Why did I put up a fight 

If he was going to remove any hope

For a future with anyone else

Anyway

If he was going to leave physical proof

He’s been there

Here

In me

A warning label 

That likely no one else 

Will see

But still there

Even when he’s gone he’s always there

Here

Why did I put up a fight

If everything I hate most in the world

Is branded on my flesh

Not only through scars 

But also in the way it cowers 

Shakes

If anyone gets too close

Screams

Shrieks

If God forbid they come in contact

Why did I put up a fight

If everything I hate most in the world 

Is shelved in my mind 

Right in with everything I know 

Right next to everything I love;

Filed 

In the cabinets 

Of all corners of consciousness, 

Where the files open at all the wrong moments

Even when they should’ve been shredded

A long time ago

Why did I put up a fight 

If I could have traded this

All of this

Which keeps me down during the day 

And up at night

For sleep

Actual sleep

I have been awake long enough

I have been awake too long

I want to sleep