final feelings

the day i first met him i turned to stone.

my eyes seemed to fog over when he passed by me and my

normally nonstop lips fused together.

he seemed to fit so perfectly to me

like a lego in my lap but

even when he kissed my forehead i wouldnt let mysef think that

a boy of such outstading perfection

could ever wat anything to do with me.

i still remember how my figers felt running through his blood red hair

down to the black roots

i remember his voice and 

the warm feeling that would ufreese my chest when i heard him say my name

and remember always being able to know if he was sleeping because

of the way his breath became rythmic

and his heart beat slowed

and i remember exactly how he tightened his grip on the skin of my bare back

when he said he loved me.

he always said he didt want to hurt me.

to, "take away my innocece."

i remember how the colf tears froze my flushed cheeks 

when he told me he hoped we could still be friends.

i remember feeling like all my organs had tured to dust d i was a hollow shell

about to float away with the december wind 

i remember when i wrapped my arms aroud his shoulders and told him sobbig, begging because

i didt want to be with anybody

kiss anybody

touch anybody else but him and i remember

the strong, dank as fuck smell of maarajuana on his breath.

when he sorry but 

i didnt want to hear that he was sorry

i wanted him to magically chage his mind

to somehow get back into whatever hypnnosis he was in in the very beging when he noticed me

i wanted him to understand because

i dont think he does.

i dont think he understands how much it took for me to just give myself up like that

i dont think he could fathom the amout of self controll i had to obstain 

in order to keep me from having an anxiety attack any time he touched me

but most of all 

i dont think he understads that that didnt matter to me

the shaking and the constad bomparding thoughts bruising my brain ad the crying in the dark where he couldt see

the comstant taste of penies in my mouth from me biting holes in my lips 

meant shit to me

because all i wanted

all i ever wanted was for him to be happy and in that moment

if that meat that i had to risk my sanity for his 

silence or his 

comfort or his 


then god damn it i would risk it.


and i dont think he cared.

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