tonight is one of those nights where

 

i am clawing at the bed sheets hoping to find

 

the comfort that the mattress store promised.

 

did they ever test their products out on the depressed?

 

those mattresses need to be

 

comfortable enough

 

for me to lay in them and stew in

 

my own self hatred

 

for hours.

 

those mattresses would need to be durable enough

 

to survive my nails grasping for

 

some sort of reminder of why i am alive when it hurts

 

too much,

 

those mattresses would have to work against the voices in my mind telling me to stay in bed for my entire life

 

instead of with them.

 

if you stay in your bed long enough,

 

people come to take your bed away,

 

these mattresses would have to refuse to be taken away

 

because “it's been a bad night, this girl doesn't deserve

 

anything but your patience, please”

 

those mattresses would have to be patient

 

with me.

 

i wonder

 

if mattress stores hire depressed people to try out their beds

 

because that would be one hell of a good mattress if it can

 

still feel clean even after the nightmares make me sweat, and

 

the blood spills past the bandages and stains the sheets, and

 

if my sins can be cleaned from the fibers between the springs.

 

tonight is one of those nights

 

where i really need to know if my mattress

 

has a guarantee protecting it

 

from me.

 

i wonder if

 

my mind

 

has a guarantee protecting it

 

from me, too.