Bipolar
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Hoping for this feeling to pass
Some moments I feel happy
Some moments I feel sad
"Wait it out, maybe it will go away"
The feelings build up
While eating me away
Binging on substances
Indulging to keep the buzz
Polar opposites coming together
Ordinary becomes the extraordinary
Listening to voices that are not there
Arguing with myself
Y'ALL! I presented this poem in 2017 at a talent show and got a standing ovation.
If that isn't skills, I don't know what is. Anyways - thought I lost it, then I found it!
Please enjoy.
The world says people are evil or good
But what about those in between
They aren't the nicest but aren't that bad
They wanna be good with just a little mean
Not really rude but not too sweet
Down
Deafening whispers surround me.
The quarters so squalid,
There is no room for day planners or sunny days.
My eyes scream,
Where my mind goes
Lost in transit
Stuck in limbo
Torn between two worlds
Light and darkness feed my soul
Trapped by these thoughts
Depression.
I'm trapped, I can't get out of bed, I don't have any motivation.
Why am I like this?
I never chose this, I just want to feel happy.
"Don't forget to take your meds" they all say.
I never was one for roller coasters,
I like my feet firmly on the ground, thanks.
But I’ve bought a ticket,
I’m going to ride,
so push your fucking mood swing higher.
Look, ma,
no hands.
I don't understand
Life goes by in a daze
So many thoughts, so many opinions, so much to live for
I feel like i should be someone else
But it's a lie
When I'm alone I feel happy
But it's a lie
Life is shit; Life ain’t fair
I don’t even fucking care
Grab a drink; pop a pill
Pray to god that this will kill
Heart Is beating; trouble breathing
I am sweating and I’m freezing
One side will win
no the other will
the happy must
but the darkness always does
two sides
my body in two
my mind in two
one is the sun
the other dark moon
joy and joy and joy
Take three steps forwards
Realized from years of hard work
Fall backwards off the ledge
Realized from a downward spiral
One morning; a monday morning.
Two thoughts; do I live or die?
You say I’m letting my health take the back seat
If you'd look closer you would see it’s not there
Search a little longer and you’d find a locked trunk
I am high and low
I wonder who I really am
I hear myself saying I’m alright
I see a struggle I don’t know if i can pass
I want for my friends not to have to worry
I wasn’t always this lost, my days consumed by chaos
An era where everything makes me nervous
And every other day my mood drops, and rises
It’s always a fight to find my way through this mind fog
Here I sit
Without me
Without you
I feel like my throat is closing in
Im not sure what this feeling is
Doom
Doom comes over me without warning
I feel like I need to scream but can't
I once read a story
a long time ago
that depression was like a bad dog
who creeps up on you slow.
I have bipolar
it's an ugly disease
another kind of bad dog
who never really leaves.
Born of a minority race
Adorned of comments and nitpicking
You grow a thick skin when subjected to
Adolescent Bullying
Spitting image of an Abuser
Mother couldn’t take it
it never stops
the noise within
no breaks
no holidays
no timeouts
Consistency
Intensity
waves of volume weigh me down
particular voices come to mind
always pessimestic
the mirror isnt my true friend
she wont reflect my fantasy land
instead exposing the world in a aggressive manner
where i cant unsee the ugly truth
i cover my eyes to reside inside myself
Dear My Past Self,
This is the part where I tell you that you're going to be okay
Each day might seem worse than the last
But, that everyday is truly a new day
Dear any and all,
It starts with a search.
“I think I might be sick,” you type, fingers hesitant because each word, each letter you feel like, is crying out to the world, with the quietest of voices. Look at me. Look at me.
It's only her and I, alone in our abyss,
a mind at odds of whom to miss.
The girl must decide for one to stay,
to chose her final destiny.
The 'good' one yells for me to go, but what she doesn't know?
The grasp on her is tight
Suffocating her sanity
Hands numb
Heart still beating
Her mind? Filled with demons
Flooding her veins with tortuous thoughts
She silently screams, but no one hears
Am I worth it? The trouble; the time; the headache. Sometimes I feel shunned out. My emotions flutter I can feel them changing constantly Can it just stop?
My mind retraces dark places skin deep hatred of flesh deflated. The escape sedated for freedom pasted a truth that collated heartless faces. I stated the case of pain that wakes and breaks like glass in shattered places.
Tempest resolve within me,Cursing these waters with intrusive collision.Meeting crest by crest with defiance.Clamor and upheaval, I dwindle away;The saline waters eroding this fleshy vessel.
Streams of watermelon juice dampen my cheeks
Sprinklers in the summer made my cheeks drip
My love for you sounds like bombs raining down on my brain,
it causes the symptoms of my disorder,
but the symptoms I know and love
reflect the way you make me feel.
They rush in and batter me senseless
I love sleep.
From daydreams to nightmares, I could live in my dreams forever.
No matter how vivid those other worlds appear to be,
Nor how terrifying the chases are,
You cried
You cried for maybe
20 minutes?
15?
Then you pleaded
You tried to at least
But why?
What's the point?
Then you screamed
Screamed at the world
I hear her scream
I hear her tiny footsteps in the hallow way
Her shallow breathing quickening my heart
She is an empty shell of the person I knew
Her soft skin that used to soothe me is abused by her confusion
They sayHe is full of ambition,Of hope,Of love,Of foolishness,Of anger.So the girl thought,"I must be blind."For she saw void.Immense and stretching and selfish.
Measuring your ability to fail
Failing to conquer your fears
Fears that consume you
You are breathless, speechless, lifeless
Lifeless for a lifetime
"Fuck."
"I want to die," I say.
"I wasn't supposed to let it get this bad again," I say.
As if I have any choice in the matter.
As if my brain isn't the traitor here.
who am i today?
a disarray of traits to have and things to be. this is a game i play
over and over - unravelling the me that came that's new from yesterday.
EMOTIONS
I'm Not Feelin So Fine
Not feelin so great
Hate. The way I feel
Hate. The patients to wait.
But in the end, I'm feelin fine.
Every night through the day
I feel high, up, down, O-kay
We were introduced to medication at seven and eleven.
My brother's first thought was to break open the capsule
To the sound of my parents saying, "No, no, no."
Now we're poppin' pills from PEZ dispensers
in the mountains, the oxygen isn't enough. i breathe but i want more, more, more.
i want to climb higher. i am tired and awake. tears in my eyes, i am laughing. i am so close to the sun, like Icarus, i want to be set on fire
He tried.
He really did try to make me his everything.
And then you got in the way.
Funny, ironic even.
You told him to love me
Then you ruin it the first chance you get.
Bipolar much?
Which is better
depression or mania
What is worse
organic psychosis or obscure sadness
You see the bright white i see the solemn
grey
I don't mean to sound desperate but
I used to shine bright,
I was warm and comfortable.
I was hopeful.
I loved myself.
But over time I began to falter.
I slowly began to dim,
I began to turn to black.
What happens after I am happy,
I'm energetic and alright.
I'll be happy for a while,
Not tiered at all,
Keeping myself up,
With these ideas of joy and love.
This is my state of mania perhaps,
Behind every smile,
You know that there is some sadness.
The sadness that we mask
With forced laughter,
With excuses for the tearing eyes.
It is simply much more simple to smile,
For the record,
I am myself.
Even in the dark
with no mirrors, no clues,
I am myself.
I am not the feeling
It is easy to tell me
It is easy to yell
It is easy to shake me
But
I never understood
I lie awake at night
I hope that you burn
Reeling, tears streaming,
Gargling mother's milk to forget.
I hope that you ache,
Shaking, skin bruised,
Wishing for softer skin and less regret.
Before you date somebody with amental illness, you must rememberthat calling them beautiful willnot adjust their brain's chemicallevels. Sweet words do not reversesickness that plagues the mind
The hypomanic mind is quite unique
With sharp twists and turns, pulling you in and out of its clutches
As it creeps upon you slowly, until you can no longer claim normality
I remember the last night I spent in the hospital
Sitting on my windowsill like I was on top of the world,
When really the world was on top of me
And yet, I couldn’t cry
Well shit
I really hope your life is not the same as it is now
That you have some level of control you could never ifind in the bottom of a bottle
Or a handful of pills
Self harm scars
Or hospital bills
Days
I have days where I want to give upBut I also have days where that seems so far awayBecause the distance between giving up and staying here is the length of a wide embrace I'm ready to face
only my walls see my tears
and only my walls know my fears
i keep it all inside
except once...
when someone pried
i opened up and tried
but they hurt me so...
i nearly died
Continue.....
Continue to live
Continue to process
I dont remember how this began
When did I go wrong?
When did I decide my bed is where I chose to stay safe?
did you know my mood changes
did you know I don't know why
did you know that I really hate it
and its so exhausting this endless fight
did you know my fluctuating feelings
stop me sleeping sometimes
"My head," I explain, "It's floating."
Everyone stares. That doesn't make sense.
I try again.
"My head feels like it's floating." and they nod, my statement is acceptable
Floods of wrath, Tigris to my Ur!
Trenchantly breaking relations
—Temples of Toil— made by me!
From the sweat of my brows, they’re built
Day zero: You are in a warm bathtub, and you are drunk.
Your girlfriend just broke up with you.
You are texting your friends that you are worthless,
That you are tired,
someone once told me that depression was god's way of weeding out the weak
as if there were no room in this world for people like me
people who can't just "suck it up" and be HAPPY
I am not who you think I am.
But I am him, still.
I am more than what you thought I was.
Though I am him, still.
I am nothing more than nothing less -
With words and still
Like a foot is stretching my heart
Contorting, stressing,
I feel nothing at all.
Like they're talking,
And I'm talking back,
But the words are vegetables
Why are carrots coming out,
A grey film envelopes the eyes,
A shell replaces what once was.
The body is there,
But the soul is no more.
Death hath not taken
What once settled within.
betrayal
and aching in your lungs
the last half-sip of wine
no u-turns
one
missing
stitch
bleeding ink on left hands
whys and what-ifs
alone at a table
A fatherless showdown.
He is around but he’s not.
His ghost still creeps in his body,
Lets start on how I'm so in love
How you have me in a trans, how you got me so sprung...
She was unbreakable
Nothing fazed her
She was alway smiling
And everyone knew her name
That quirky tilt of her head
Always arguing with herself
And that black sweatshirt whe always wore
how do you desceice to someone
something they have never felt?
the tortures existens that god hath delt me
each day i promise myself that i will make it threw the day
one step at a time.
Beginning to realize I'm in deepInside my head, I'm so hard to reachPushing my emotions in different directionsObviously so very out of control
I am bipolar and thats okay
I've tried to hide to hide it, tried to runaway
I am bipolar not an outcast
The mistakes I've made are all in the past
I am bipolar, I've learned alot
I am bipolar and thats okay
I've tried to hide to hide it, tried to runaway
I am bipolar not an outcast
The mistakes I've made are all in the past
I am bipolar, I've learned alot
You say I’m okay
On the outside
So I must be alright
To keep going
But have you once thought
About how I feel inside
I was little when disposable cameras were "the thing"Polaroids were fading out.
I would pose for my mother in my new school clothes
Silly faces, ballerina, peace signs.
Incurable words,
They seem to kill me blantantly.
The irony is bliss.
Words running through my mind.
All the time.
At the most unfavorable times of night.
In the heat of a moment of love.
When I used to look in the mirror, I would see
A girl who struggled, but yet was sometimes pretty.
I struggled with my relationship with my family.
Although they clothed, fed, housed, and spoiled me,
If I had to write about being bipolar,
I would write about the ups and downs.
How some days you feel like you are soaring
and others you feel like you are fifty feet underground.
Bipolar disorder is a major part of my life
I cannot let certain people know
If my job knew,
They may search for a reason to fire me
I would be considered a liability
If a school I applied to knew,
Floral prints and straw hats
Sips of lemonade and a gentle scent of daisies
Mix nicely with the cool spring breeze
It has just rained
So grass sticks to the bottom of our feet
The Other Me
Happiness
(adjective)
Feeling pleasure or joy
It’s the perky energetic kid that has
When someone talks
Do you really even hear them?
Do you take their words, digest them, and lock them away in your own little pandoras box?
I do, everything someone says to me, gets tucked away
Sometimes I get in my feelings, for no reason.
Just a thought can shift my entire mood.
I can be happy one moment then depressed the next.
I have issues.
I guess that's called bipolarism.
I can ride a wave of light to the stars and
swallow them whole, spitting out
constellations and fireworks.
I’m the heat that will leave third degree
burns on your eyes if you look
Who hears the voice of the mentally ill?
Who feels for them when they cry from the pain they feel?
It seems they are feared and everyone worries
Is their problem contagious or more comfortable ignoring?
What does it mean?
Popping electric blue –
Daily times two
Doctor says, “you’ll feel better, it’s true”
But you don’t even realize
Sad eyes, manic eyes
Just a teacher
You don't like it
It eats at you every day
You feel so unhappy
You don't want to do anything
You want to cry, punch, die
Then, it changes.
You don't want it to go away
A tattooed anchor entwined in the symbol for infinity sits on her hip bone, which juts out like a cliff over her great barrier reef.
I can’t tell him
“No, I don’t understand”
Because he’s sighing at me
Looking over glasses at me
As I break down in his office
I can’t tell him
“Please, explain it to me”
Last week in my English class,
a debate began, one in which
I did not want to be present.
Who are you?
You are not my mother today.
We do not know what you will do,
The children must leave
So they are safe.
"Safe from what?", the little ones ask,
Her condition is that she is a walking contradiction, for she is a soul burning with hot fire and coals born into the coldest winter ever.
She’s living in hell amongst demons yet some say she looks heavenly.
I am Alpha and OmegaThe beginningThe end
Eloquent, as her words share the breath of life and colorA penchant to liveTo survive
Maybe to laughProbably love
I've never been the girl who was alone.
I always had a friend by my side,
walking down the halls in school,
over summer break in the park,
there was always someone who asked me to come.
Pounding
Anger like a hammer struck thumb
Self inflicted
Mind conflicted
Noise
Everywhere I go
Everywhere I look
So young with highs as sharp as mountain peaks,
and lows deeper than the bottom of the sea.
The flashes of emotions were killing me,
and the pills were not healing me.
In my head there were bits and pieces
(poems go here)Blue and White Sanity
When I first thought maybe
my symptoms were more than just
being 17
I feared one thing more than madness.
As the ocean draws in from a hard days work I stop and think of the ongoing state of things. The sun's rays strech out from the horizon giving the sky a firework of explosion. What has my life become? Where is it leading me?
Why, my heart, do you love another soul?
Why, my heart, must you hurt the other one's soul?
Now, my heart, I see why you have fled me.
Now, my heart, I think I should be quite dead.
Where now, are you my soul?
What journey have you departed for,
Leaving me behind to feel the absence?
Where now, are you my soul?
What skies do you seek,
While I await in shades of grey?
This is the house of 100 pound chairs.
Where the tables are nailed to the floor.
Where the windows are made out of bullet-proof glass
and the neighbors broken and torn.
She felt her frown as she wore her scowl
And ached her sad while showing her bitter,
So it’s easy to see why no one knew her blue,
and often mistook her for red.
Why is life so lifeless for you, poor child?
Is there a thing in this world that could lighten you up, put a smile on your face?
You are brooding, but why?
Has someone wronged you, or has misfortune fallen upon you?
"I still like you anyway."
"I never would have known."
"Really, but you don’t seem-"
These are things that ring in my ears
comforts you offer unthinkingly
as if who I am
When thoughts fail, or words do not come
Though all alone emotion remains
I should not be guided by this
But I can get divided by this
So what then
Keep Quiet,
Don't say a word.
Though, you want to speak your mind,
It's best to remain unheard.
Complexity reigns your brain.
While many people try and try to understand you,
They never do.
On the exterior a calm and collected face
Contrasts the interior where emotions chase
Everlasting misery inside a pod
Which collects emotions mad and odd
Seperated like skin from bone
As to I a world unformed
The eyes do see
Like shadows in the night
Every move I make
I am not alone
The eyes do see
For reasons of their own
A creature far from pure
Is always on my mind
