I've never been the girl who was alone.
I always had a friend by my side,
walking down the halls in school,
over summer break in the park,
there was always someone who asked me to come.
Not because I wanted to go,
but because I never learned the word no.
I used to be better, but it's been different.
Therapists have tossed around bipolar,
I've heard manic as well,
but bipolar is what I most identified with.
But those highs I used to get have lessened
where the lows I used to get have only deepened.
I think I can safely blame the meds,
but what can you do, argue with the pro?
The worst of it all is the loneliness.
Funny, huh, the girl whose never alone
feeling only crushing loneliness.
There's the one group I've known
for many years and we get together constantly.
But sitting in a room with them
sets my heart in a medieval torture device.
All they ever do is talk about love and relationships,
and tell me I need a boyfriend
and tell me I shouldn't be alone
as if I didn't know.
By the end of the night,
they're lucky I didn't scream.
Then there's the larger, louder group
that shares many of my interests
but every moment I'm left feeling uncomfortable,
feeling like I don't belong there.
And I like them, I do,
but why do I feel like a misfit?
Then there's the all-girl group.
And with one or two of these girls, I'm okay,
I feel like maybe I begin to belong,
but when you put them altogether
and add me to their rich-girl mix,
I'm reminded of just how different we are,
how I feel like I'm crossing classes,
like I'm breaking social protocol,
like I can't, and never will, belong.
But there's always something now,
always a reason I can't fit in
even with people I used to get along with.
I know it's not them, I know I can't blame them.
I know it's always just going to be me.