schizophrenia
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I hate this place.
The hug is short, the pain in my eyes is reflected in his.
He doesn’t know who is betraying him, his mom or God.
He desperately wants it to be me.
I hate this place.
The hug is short, the pain in my eyes is reflected in his.
He doesn’t know who is betraying him, his mom or God.
He desperately wants it to be me.
i was looking out the window at a flock of pigeons in the factory district.patient a, a melancholic, was nodding off, kicking and crushing empty coca-cola cans that he had tied to his body.
The mind is powerful place, full of both the light and the dark.
Light and dark.
Dark and light.
It became both my prison, day and night.
Day and night.
Night and day.
I was a witch the day I succumbed to the fire.
The woman--a traitor, I thought at the time--tricked me into boarding the mysterious carriage;
My outside appearance shows nothing of me.
I am not what you see,
for I am not even human.
I am a soul
trapped inside this body,
screaming for help.
I'm constantly being attacked
In an insane mans dreams
His problems seem to run away
but when its time to start a new day
THEY come to haunt him again
Say hello to your demons
Many times he'd be doing fine
I've traveled many lands
To a find a mind like yours.
I'm writing down new plans
Once I reach new shores.
Now i'm somewhere in the islands
Underage mystery face in a bar.
Parted Lips
a-POP-olypse
The seats of the minivan burst into flame
as rabid fragments of monster carrots
feed Death while he
You can't find the words to say
Over and over again
You scribble on a blank page
Begging the words to come
But they never do
The ink in your pen goes dry
You sit in an ocean of paper
I'm sorry for the things I did
I'm sorry for the things I've yet to do
I'm sorry for how I am
I'm sorry for what I will be soon
But most of all
Patchwork stitching stars in the sky:
Blue, green, indigo, violet.
Thread is scarce so you have to use mine.
I want to know everything you remember
About how I grew up.
Tell me every detail
So you can’t change your narrative
Dear Father,
I never meant to bother,
But I couldn't help but notice the piercing holler.
I never meant to bother,
But I couldn't help but notice you weren't acting proper.
I never meant to bother,
Dear School,
I apologize for my absence today.
I would never miss on purpose.
But just last night, I felt I had
A case of yersinia pestis.
He stands in the cornerShade a shadow of black thoughts in my headDraws weights in my skin drawing out
I'd rather set myself on fire
Then listen to you anymore
I'd rather burn and scream in hot agony
Then sit in silence feeling the opposite pain within
*snap*
Severed ends of a good mood
*snip*
They walk out of sight and out of life
*rip*
Your carefully assembled resolve dissolves
Sitting in class with my Victoria Secret perfume of Temptation and in my new letterman jacket.
I’m on the honor roll, valen victorian of my class, and engaged, not in some ostensible straitjacket.
I never thought I’d hear that voice ever again,
the whispers in my head never stopped in the night they just begin,
tick tock on the clock beats faster every minute,
I had a nightmare last night.I stood in the middle of an empty road,In an empty town,Just waiting.For what I don't know.But there I stood.In the silent,The nothingness,
Coughing up and regurgitating blood,
I hoped it was all but a dream.
The scintillating lights above me seemed to fade.
I was not alone; at my bedside stood a distinct, unfamilar shade.
the crashing noise of the cascade
below triggers a feeling of joy
in my cataclysmic mind.
it is not often that i am filled
with the warming sense of jubilation
Some people believe in a heaven and a hell. The place where the people with good souls live in eternal paradise. The place where those of evil are condemned to eternal punishment. But hell is empty. The devil lives among us. Sometimes you can
We were introduced to medication at seven and eleven.
My brother's first thought was to break open the capsule
To the sound of my parents saying, "No, no, no."
Now we're poppin' pills from PEZ dispensers
Blood seeps into every corner, every edge and every turn of my nails and for every heartbeat that echoes in my rib cage
voices starts to yell.
Jay was a woman: Elegant, and Porcelain in Her complexion.
She Lit-up Rooms effortlessly, a mere smile was all it took.
Unfortunately, She was fickle, which tainted this perfection.
I'm sitting here.
Again I'm alone.
I'm trying to escape
Escape from the hurtful words and the voices in my head.
My headphones are on and my music is up.
Here I sit.
I'm by myself.
The words hit the paper like the tears hit my wrists;
The ink flows like the blood from my arms;
The open spaces
Letters spinning
Words shaking
I laid down in the dark,
Strapped in a jacket on my bed,
With orange-bottled pills
To keep the voices from my head.
But in the depth of silence
Untamed self control my own worst enemy I can beI can not be the poison and the remedyThe voices I hear are not in my headI hear the words as if they’ve been said.Horrific thoughts I must endure
Your organ comes out and starts to play
“I think you’d rather be dead” They say.
But I think I’ll save that for another day.
I don’t know what to think
I’m so tired
“No sleeping.”
Sometimes I talk to myself.
Sometimes while I’m walking through my empty house,
I pretend that my house is full up people that love me
That would miss me
Does that make me crazy?
You feel compelled to explain,
& frustrate yourself
with the short comings of language,
grow cross & blame yourself,
but mutations in the shape of a single molecule
have noticeable consequences.
Hell, everyone knew it was coming,
but no one knew how to stop it.
A body obeying Newton’s first law.
Some say it was selfish, but I argue that,
maybe, it was necessary.
Perhaps, ordained from the beginning,
The anchor hangs upon the ship
It sways with the currents of the sea.
The sword strikes the rock’s head.
The wind blows like an arrow flying.
The sky is as dark as a knight’s sword bashing
A symphony of horror
Plays before my deceitful eyes
Just looking at them is torture
I try to remember it's all a lie
The tremondous demon suspened above me
Extensive teeth, only inches away
They come in at night when all is still
they scrape away and run and steal
my happiness and pleasure
They see it as their treasure.
Down, down, down they go into the hole
where time stops and no body knows
I wish I could be like a melody
My mind and body beautifuly in harmony
Instead it's a clash, a bang and a boom
My body falling heavily while my head is above the moon
I was not beautiful.
I am not beautiful.
I will never be beautiful.
But I could be thin.
It began as a whisper
It grew louder, it spoke to me
Until every day it was a
Screaming in my ear,
You twisted my mind,
With your words and your lies.
You stole away my childhood,
In every way that you could.
Screaming on the inside, praying that I can go and hide.
No one sees the demons that pull at me inside.
I laugh outside, as I cry inside.
Oct 15
It's loud, and then quiet. Calm followed by chaos. Too often I'll hear it, and chase after it.
Bump in the night,
a forgiven fright,
but so easily mistaken,
for ones so often taken.
Things unseen,
Things unheard,
Things that most certainly unnerve,
Scream my name
I try to stand upright,
but I just keep falling.
I try to keep the blade away,
but I just keep bleeding.
I try not to puke,
but my throat is raw.
I try to care,
but I just can't.
Saddened self harmers,
Battling bulimics,
Angsty anorexics,
Isolated insomniacs,
Scared schizophrenics,
Lonely lesbians,
Gloomy gays,
Battling bisexuals,
Troubled transexuals,
Faces gleam in empty windowpanes
Pressed against the glass,
Glued, judging, watching as they invaded the domain
Their domain.
The hospital.
Shivers coursed down the visitor’s spine,
If mental illness was treated as such
there would be
no kids online blogging about their eating disorder
getting comments like
you can do it! avoid the food! stop eating and you too
will be beautiful!
What is this I see today?
What is that I hear?
There isn't anything there you say?
You're telling me you can't see her?
Perhaps I'm going crazy;
Yes I'm certainly a nut!
But perhaps, just maybe,
There's a road in the meadow
parting it left and right
a side where the sun rises
and the other for the moon at night
and now I have to choose
the side I belong to
Thunderous applauseA steady, continuous chanting of my nameThat's what I live forThis is what I want
"How are we feeling today?"
"How much have you eaten?"
"Let's check your weight."
"Have you ever hurt yourself?"
"Are you hearing things?"
"Are you seeing things?"
An interrogation
He waits by the streaming Falls.
A healthy mind is stalled by a growing void.
It spills deeper into a pipework of drains,
Unmedicated and asphyxiatedwhat a woe to be riddiculed for who you arecracks forming in the mindand the demon clawing at your back
I had never noticed as a child, but she was always there.
Veronica clasped me close, and held me in her stare.
Her fragile reflection pursued me to the broken footsteps of my home.
Hi my name is Cait.
Hi Cait welcome to the interview.
Bye Cait this isn't for people like you.
People like me?
People with your sickness.
Thank you for your time.
People say listen to the little voice in the back of your head
But they call you crazy because you have multiple ones
Well they talk to me just the same and treat me with love
As I sit they help me ponder my thoughts
They are
kaleidoscope prisons
like angry bars of misshapen notes
and off-key chords in chorus
LOUD
Chains
Chains
clinking metal frozen
wrists bound
reaching for freedom
no key to set me free
or strength to uncuff
Forever engaged to silence
getting through day by day
smiling and laughing
pretending your okay
"Im fine" or my favorite "I already ate"
she pretended to happy
but all that was fake
The butterflies swarm inside my head,My mind decides to tell them everything I've said.Fluttering, moving, spacing out,They come from all directions to have no doubts.Peaking and peering inside my mind,
You malicious little thing, you're living in nightmares. Spiders hide in dark in dark corners, crawl out to fill you with fright, dear.
Negate 6 months of your life into the realm of unreality
Voices cater to your own thoughts,
Rewards by the release of contorted body positions
Characters develop, talking to you by the snore of their sleep
His muscular shoulders were hunched over, head bowed, and hands tightly clasped together.
*To be articulated eloquently in C Major*
Coming from inside his head,
Damn those voices, want them dead.
Engulfing his thoughts,
These shadows...
They do speak...
They speak to my mind,
Oh they speak, how they speak!
I know that they aren't real...
But their presence is known,
By the hair on my neck,
You travel alone on a pitch black road.
Through the mist lanterns show dimly,
Keeping the monsters at bay
Until one by one, darkness replaces where they glowed
All you hear are the beasts snarling grimly
They hiss,
They scream,
Sometimes lower
Than a whisper,
Other times louder than
A foghorn.
Since childhood they
Have haunted his
Mind.
They are difficult to handle
when I crumble at your feet, please don't turn aroundwhat I lost that lonely evening, I have never foundone day I'll make my way onto the killing groundsmy ears are covered by the dark, but I still hear the sounds
I have caught myself, talking to my mind again. It’s alright, nothing to worry about. I like it that way. Being in a place where you are me and I is you. We are all the same. We are all myself. Now the thoughts are creeping in.. Because lately you
The voices return every day
Without cause
Yelling, so much yelling
I try not to listen
But they're so loud
Voices, voices, voices
Always returning
Never dying
Trying, trying, trying
My way of life
And your way of life
Are two different ways of living.
Where my dreams are reality
And yours are solely nonfiction,
Imagination forms a line
That borders this idea
In this mind full of clutter, this mind they called crazy.
The memories still live, yet the image is now hazy.
This paper understands me, it puts my mind at ease.
With a deep breath, I write and the voices suddenly cease.
In every way I let my confidence show/I was able to remember every inch that I grow/Came from the ability to live up to this day/Letting my feet move up another space/Trying not to curve off the path I set for myself/Still clinging to the hope tha
I write to express myself
To show that there’s more
To what you see on the outside
Inside there is a girl
Who has been through hell and back
But keeps a smile on her face
You're here.
I can hear you.
Why are you here? What is your purpose?
"Their arms would look beautiful in dried blood on the floor of your bedroom"
You're here.
I can hear you.
Everyday we walk through the Air.
We hear things,
See things,
in a way that others don't.
Everyday we walk through this Hell.
We feel things,
taste things
in a way that others don't
Welcome to the hospital.
Where they strip you of your human rightsLike liberty and lawful due processYour right to choose, and live, and think,Then say you have Delusions of Persecution.
Can’t sleep, can’t think
Voices plaguing me.
Screaming, barely coherent, whispering, can’tmakeoutthewords.
Won’t let me be.
Can’t run away, going crazy.
Day by day.
Followavoiceitmakesnosense
Dear John,
They think I’m crazy.
They tell me I am, but you never do.
Samuel and Will think I’m crazy too.
It strikes midnight, and I’m home alone
My parents have yet to return from work
Paranoia kicks in, and as I turn to stone
I hear a voice and slow footsteps lurk
Everything is so screwed up...
but, my mind's made up.
You're not real.
I'm callin' demons a disease but I know one when I see one.
I had one. It filled me.
I possessed one. It killed me.
Mind in pieces; never in peace
She can only breathe
Silence is a virtue
Since inside her mind
There are screams
Avalanches fall like dominoes
She is the only one who knows
They say schizophrenia is
out of their jurisdiction.
That what you have cannot be
completely fixed.
But I look at you
pleasant and handsome
"What is there to fix anyway?"
At you the voices claw
They hem and haw
Telling you you didn't see what you thought you saw
And that for you, he would never truly fall
That of his heart he could not give you half, definitely not it all
Hallucinations and illusions
Screaming murder inside my head.
Shadows of destructions,
Feeding on me instead.
Spiders crawling toward me
Faces shifting, distorted
People talking all around me
“You’re nothing, they hate you”
“You are nothing but a burden”
Burden
Burden
Burden
ill
violently ill
violence is terrifying
i am terrifiying
I am terrified
All the time
Time is time
Time is all about timing
Don't you see it's time?
Time to run.
My life such as it is
A waking nightmare
Day to day,
Hour to hour
Moment to moment
They will never see what I see
They will never hear what I hear
But what is normal?
I wish I knew
thinking of a message
a message clearly
drafted in your writing
"I miss you, dearly"
trying not look up
or give a smidgen
of any of these feelings
I'm not taking they're just given
