coping
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I think ive fallen off my rocker
my thoughts echo so loud i might go bonkers
its in my mind this monstrus thing
sending shivers down my spine daring me to try again
Never to bed, early to rise
Adds to the rings beneath my eye
The gray and purple, these colors shine through
You'd call them your favorites if you had them too
No rest for the wicked's what I always said
I've learned to eat cold pizza
I've learned to eat mushrooms and sun-dried tomatoes, and I no longer eat all the individual parts of my salad separately
Something I never thought possible
I'm afraid to fall into my emotions, scared that the pain is too much, won’t STOP.
I've been weak, but remarkable strong. If I hold this emotion in much longer my heart will STOP.
I don't want your love songs
I don't want your melody tastes
Everything was a lie and now there's no music
Only silence and emptiness
I confessed to you one morning
Long after the sun had gone down
Once I had a heart,
A heart as big as the world!
Well maybe not that large…
But it fit inside of a girl.
But over time I find it broken,
Shattered beyond repair.
I should have never let it open
The aesthetic of
Ink on paper
And floral words
Leaving my cracked and bleeding lips
To Him.
To Her.
To the beginning.
To the End.
To the things I want to un-know.
His dad’s old guitar that he picked up and tried to play with little to no success.
Sometimes I wonder why I even mention.
Every time you seem to misinterpret my intention.
A single thought gets chastised like the worlds worst invention.
Happiness is like the wind—
Cool and comforting and yet so fleeting
So when that familiar feeling was dimmed
I found my heart somberly beating.
I remember my days of youth
You fail to realize the destruction seen in my tears,
Of everything you put me through in my adolescent years.
Finding it hard to see past the drink;
Never taking the time to reconsider and to think.
The letters fly from my pen creating words I can never say
I cannot draw, or sketch, but I can paint a picture
In the minds of others through the words I string together
How could you have known,
when you called his name,
that there was no one left to answer?
Words left unspoken,
discussions never to be had,
no words left to say,
what can I say?
They told me not to speak about it.
Pretty girls should't have ugly problems.
Pretty girls should be grateful.
Pretty girls should be poised.
So, they molded me into that.
These bed sheets are arms,
Holding me,
Eating me alive.
They moisten with the pressure of clandestine prayers,
Breath a ghost,
The ghost of you,
Coming up to 7 years of age was a magical time. We smiled,
laughed, and life sailed swiftly by.
Getting to the old age of 8 saw a massive change ahead. My
guardian angel was often missing, replaced with an absent father,
What happened before you were born
You know, beforee you were a fetus
Before you came to this world
And opened your big round eyes
Nothing
What happens after you die
The paper was too blank.
But my mind was too fast.
Danez Smith taught me something.
He said that poetry helps with pain
Because putting a meter to sadness
Helps you structure
Helps you cope
It is too easy to make affliction handsomeWhen it's lined with rhyme Traced by thin fingersThe numb glow of a dawn window.White drapes on skin and glassDark eyes torn with pain madeBeautiful
The mind is a battlefield
A realm of chaos
Thoughts fighting for dominance
To be discovered and elaborated upon
Fragments
Embark on a journey to nowhere
and find it easily.
Now look up the side of a mountain and be blinded
"Rage Rage against the dying of the light"-Dylan Thomas.
I covered my eyes and was brought to a familiar dark sky.
I’m thinking St. Jude has got a hold on me
My head my hands my head
Shaking so violently
Hand me a bottle, babe
I can’t breathe
I need to breathe
i do not want to know what your hands did,
tremblingly steady,
doubtfully certain.
i do not want to hear what You left behind,
The light of my life that left too soon
The person who never got to see her sapling grow
Doing everything for you
Growing into a young woman
You'd be proud of what I've become
The pain is like a cold, sharp knife
It is twisted, stuck in my heart;
The pain is like a frozen land
The frostbite sears right through my heart;
gone...
just...
gone...
your light dark
leaving me without our spark
just your permanent mark
could've saved you from your fall
but you had already given your all
Dear Edward Said,
What have you done?
What have you done to me
You have torn open my old wounds
Those festering razor slashes
Dozens,
Accumulated over years,
Every time I realized
I burn the pages
of my oldest notebooks,
erasing the ages
that have passed me by.
I remember the old days,
and cheerful jokes told
paired with a longing gaze,
and my calloused fingertips.
Too loud, too loud
Eyes drowned, head bowed
Clap hands over ears
Fingers leave bruises
But must hold in the music
To suspend myself from reality
Hear rhythm rapping the only words that make sense
“It's budding"
“Are you kidding?”
“No. You are the father”
“Why even bother?”
“I won't say your name”
“Abortion. Pills. Anything that kills”
Anything that kills…
Choking, squeezing/ Breath gone/ Eyes dark/ Oh, wherefore art thou,/ O serotonin?/ Mind racing/ Deborah pacing/ Confusion mounting/ Behind my eyes, they're shouting/ Yes, no, maybe so/ Static, static, white noise/ Shake and flap/ Senseless sc
I can't handle this pain
it clouds my eyes
I'm going insane
waiting for my demise
I'm seeing double vision
picking apart my skin
with great precision
a game I cannot win
I can't sleep knowing that I'm not the one you're dreaming about.
Or that maybe you're as hurt as me and you're still up, drowning your sorrows in a Harley Quinn shot glass or hiding them in a haze of green
I chewed all of my fingernails off last night
Ripped them away as if they were only tarnished paper
Unable to clasp my necklaces or untangle knots right
It began with the eagerness of hope,
the longing, burning, raging need to reach
the unattainable—that gift which I
never thought I would call my own. There were
scars still, written across my arms like a
When I feel down these are things I do. The many ways I cope is how I show my hue.
i breathe.
my throat is tight from
too much singing and
the anxiety that follows
my audition
-the look in my teacher's eyes
is not responsive when
the last note resonates
I admit I'm not tough...
I can't handle much... Or at least not at once.
Yeah...
Sometimes I cry and I can't sleep at night. I'm stressed out,
It broke me.
Tango light in metal grid
They popped open the heavy lid
Deposited deep inside
The night did not glow
Every 15 minutes so
The lid would open through the door
Night beckons,
Night heals,
It brings forth all the demons of the mind,
and sets them before you.
Survive until dawn,
And all your fears will be dispelled
The soul shall be cleansed,
Why am I so low?
Hanging around the ghetto
My mind is an endzone
Showin thins to me that ain't to be shown
Feeling so self conscious
I am going nauseous
Watching sevy on the wire
She was a small child of seven, loved learning and writting
A smart child for being in second grade
She wrote about Autumn while her parents were fighting
She thought she had it made
Somebody yells
Glass hurls into a wall
Hands draw up;
a half-hearted attempt at a protection
that shouldn't be needed.
I've got a face caked in makeup,
and sweat pooling in my palms.
I make last second prop checkups,
and nerves have me forgetting verses from Psalms.
The curtain rises as the lights go up.
The fans rattling again. It's not the only thing shaking in the darkness.But it's making such a loud racket. I keep it on anyway. I'm afraid the silence will kill me. I fight sleep like it's tangible.
Inhale. Exhale. I've lost something, but I'm not quite certain of what. It's feels like when you reach for a wallet or a phone.Knowing it's there only to find it's not. There's a brief moment of lightning panic
Never houseless but always homeless,
Music managed to provide a sanctuary
Even if it is temporary.
Always hungry but full off of food for thought, music was always nourishing.
Cheeks sallow,
belly hollow,
She’s flying with the angels,Look at her go.She’s young and free again.The hardships don’t show.
My "best friends" don't even want me around,
So most of my time is spent underground,
Spilling my thoughts and some tears onto paper,
Hoping someone notices before I volitalize into vapor
I feel that maybe seein' you go was a wakeup call.
A wakeup call to reality.
That grownups sometimes have no choice even if they get down on their knees.
An extraneous hope for merciful redemption
These queer mice lurking behind harrowed shelves
Rapidly engage between bones crackling beneath the hands of lost worship;
When I was born you were next to me,
Then I grew and you gave me your hand,
I remember your look,your dreams, your eyes shined they could talk.
Something happened that Autumn your laughter was lost
I can see it all.
The downfall of men.
The inevitable destruction
of all we once
held close.
There is nothing we can do,
but watch.
Watch as all the hope,
comforts,
This trial and error
This beautiful pain, has left me needing more
I really wished you hadn't slammed that door behind me,
I wish that I could throw stars
into your eyes
so that you couldn't see Death
looming over us with his velvet
blue cape
and you could scatter that infinite stretch
with constellations
Damn, I miss you.
I cannot belive this happened.
Why can't you be alive and well?
I miss you so much.
Ever since that day almost a year ago,
I've been hallow.
This week I feel funny. I feel out of place, underdressed and alone. I feel a little bit like sticky hands that you can't wash. I can't shake this feeling but for some reason I don't mind.
Sanity,
well, it's a thing,
apathy, unresponsive, submissive, afraid,
and with it hatred,
a lot of self hate, a little phrase they use called: low self esteem,
When I was six years old I sat in a darkened closet hugging my knees to my chest.
I wait
I sit there and wait as life passes me by
Still wishing that it could all be a joke
Time heals all wounds is a famous lie
You just learn to cope
I'm waiting
Sometimes you think your life is difficult.
School is exhausting, your crush doesn't like you...
I don't disagree;
High school is not as glamorous as it seems.
But you don't know true strife,
When people and life give you grief
there is some advice you always receive:
“Take it with a grain of salt,” they say.
It’s such a cliché.
And what they don’t tell you
Little ones sing soft and sweet
In their castles safe to dream
I once lived in a castle too
Long before I was torn from you
Father, forgive me for I have sinned
Warmth FallsFeelings FadeWhat you see, You see no moreConsumed in shadows of the pastDesperately wishing to break freeTo change...Just as the others haveFalse hope and Fraud love
I've learned to like the problems.
I've learned to love the pain.
There is no hope of coping with it any other way.
They say "Be glad with what you have,
and you will be alright.
Cherish every moment,
When boiling water across one arm
Will produce the same effect as a razor
And you know that
Every morning it's all you can do
Not to drain yourself
Although you are so drained already
I write you this letter as I lay belly-down on the now very faded hammock in our backyard. The same hammock you and I would lay on for hours telling stories and sharing secrets.
When I was young
My Daddy read me stories as I drifted to sleep
And I watched in awe
as the peaceful melody of words evolved into symphonic wonder;
a castle, a wish, a hope shone in my Daddy’s eyes.
I’m drunk.
Not on life.
Not on hormones.
Not adrenaline.
I’m drunk.
Alcohol is my mister,
And I regret nothing
With him,
Or do I?
Her body strong and stable
as her will and mind .
Her womanly curvs oh, so fine
this divine sister of mine .
Her beauty lies not just within the curvs of her hips
I’m staring into the skies above
A gentle wind is rustling my hair
And tickling my skin
It beckons me to come forth
The clock struck one and shadows danced,There I was among the ants,The dark sky roared a somber tune,Of thunder and droplets to drown me soon,A heart of mud slipped out my chest,
I sat there
Unworried, stress free
Or in other words calm and collected about the whole situation
Determined, expecting
Looking past the affection
Only concerned about our connection.
I wasn’t born in the gutters; God blessed me with a stutter.
So I searched and discovered, in the end hurt and disgusted
Armed with this pen, dangerous on this sheet,.
Bound to red ink, this is my ballpoint period piece..
Dear Old Friend,/ I Remember your crazy face / Especially when you made jokes about my hair / Walking in the shadow of the moon we laugh / Waking everybody up / Remember those days of Happiness / When we watch those ladies walk / Late to school we
My Mother seems so far away from me,
On that beautiful white shore across the sea.
Yet I remember love’s soft glow upon her face,
And the feel of her touch and tender embrace.
As I kicked the tiny, gray pebble in the street, walking home from the park, all I could think about was the fact that I needed to get home right away.
Abuelo
I don’t know how to say this
I don’t even know where to begin
How do you write a tribute to someone who you still think is there?
Cuz you see, you’re not really gone in my mind yet
The deaths of waves upon the shore
Without a shout commence.
But courses of their peaks and troughs
Resound in timelessness.
As she breathes her final breath
Her silent dream is cut
Maybe life goes on, even with you gone,
Maybe this is how it's supposed to be.
Like sunshine you'll follow me wherever I go
Even through the fog and the cloudy days.
Each car passes
slower and slower
linked in a tangle of iron
and motion.
I could reach out and
touch it.
There are words painted in bright colors
on the sides of each car,
There is always a gloomy day
where you wanna lay in the rain
When you lose someone
a part of you brakes away
Awoken.
It was 3:11a.m.
The girl stared off into the darkness.
The dark hallway disappeared beyond the border.
Ring. Ring. Ring
The thought of worry twisted back into her mind.
We will never be satisfied.
It is against human nature
To be content with what we have in our lives.
Everyone wants more.
Sometimes I want to dive in to greet the bottom of the ocean floor
Sometimes I want to jump off to see what lies in the concrete.
Sometimes I want to drink because I am curious about what hides at the bottom of the bottle
Six feet under,
Such a small number to be down,
where the sins of the world are kept,
in the graves of the dead that were condemned.
I cry out "why!" and then realize,
Life is but a mere Vapor,
I'm dangling on the rail of a hospital bed
Clinging to you and the life you have left and
Somewhere in between hushed breaths and the unnerving hum of the air mattress
You’ve left us in your sleep,
and made your way to somewhere new,
without a sound you would creep,
up to the place with a spot saved for you.
We never wished for this day to come,
I have an affair with depression
and apathy is just my side lover
self harm isn't caused by my self
it's the scars and bruises I put on my body every other
weekend
I haven't seen you in awhile.
The one with the blonde hair and blue eyes.
The one who has fire burning inside,
But still the light of my life.
You challenge me to think,
Back.
Here I am, three years later
and so much has changed;
except for the hole in my heart.
What was once a searing and excruciating pain,
is now a constant dull ache.
Never going away,
never giving relief,
I don’t know how much
Corpses can hear,
But if you’re hearing,
Some things must be made clear
After this first year.
Beyond my window, beyond the stars in the sky, beyond the many planets, within the heavens, there you are. Pictures are worth a thousand words yet none of them are your words that once filled my ears.
Love? What does that mean? It means that you... wait... I haven't learned what that is just yet. I sit as a young woman waiting impatiently for whom to show me the way to his heart of justice.
