Bipolar Disorder
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Boom boom Burn burn
Sounds weave in and out
Sounds come in
they are dark and grey
they say all kinds of evil things
Screeches and growls
Can't close my eyes
all I see are jagged teeth.
Binging on substances
Indulging to keep the buzz
Polar opposites coming together
Ordinary becomes the extraordinary
Listening to voices that are not there
Arguing with myself
I have grown up six times.
The first time, I was stitting on a couch, watching television
when my father stormed in with eyes red as hot embers
yelling at my mother
who pretended she didn't remember
cheating
Bipolar is:extreme changes in mood, from mania to depression. Between these mood episodes, a person with bipolar disorder may experience normal moods.
My idea of bipolar:
At first I went
low.
Real, real
low
until I couldn’t
remember the
up
anymore.
Couldn’t remember what it
A small cup--
with tiny discs
and colorful oblong
obsessions,
I take them to
feel whole.
I take them with
hope to wash them down--
Are the medications
helping?
This is how we play the game
Up down, left right
Down
Down
Down
SLAM
Rock bottom hits you
You have no energy left to fight back
The game isn't fair to most
I am high and low
I wonder who I really am
I hear myself saying I’m alright
I see a struggle I don’t know if i can pass
I want for my friends not to have to worry
I am, but not reallyI live without meaning I swim in my mind To bide my timeAnd try not to go crazy
I remember crying myself to sleep,
seeing no hope for the future.
If only Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother could see
the damage they inflict on me.
When I wrote her love songs,
you cried
because they were
“Just that good.”
And I was falling
and falling
and falling.
you can
be as
kind &
as loving
as you
want.
but
i still won't
believe that
i deserve
you. i'll
disappoint you.
suck the light
Beware, beware, be skeptical,
of their smiles, their smiles of plated gold,
Deceit so natural,
But a wolf in sheep's clothing is more than a warning.
This is a tide coming into the beach
Only we all know in the next six hours
It will down us out as Tsunamis do.
Every little piece of home we ever clung to
Wiped out to start anew.
My body is the aftermath of a silent war.
Friendly fire has wrecked havoc on my insides
As cell attacks, cell and my mind rebels against itself
She stares at the blank page
Then at the far wall
”We’re all mad here,” it says
Whispering
Yelling
Beckoning
I feel so small
A tiny version of myself
Balled up inside
"Hello."
And just like that my world is spinning
Don't you dare start smiling or grinning
Don't try showing me any emotion,
Emotion's a tidal wave, rolling off the ocean.
Dear Doubtful Loved Ones,
My mental illness is not a product
Of failed relationships.
My mental illness is not a result
Of someone not loving me.
My mental illness is not based
He was lost in the labyrinth of his own mind
Navigating his path with blindfolded eyes
Afraid about whatever he might find
Trying to uphold his very own guise
He heard the monster's call
The air begins to become thin as she takes another breath,
she tries to calm her nerves down as she feels she's near to death.
The anger built up inside her is finally sinking in,
My mind is like a random password generator.
They come.
They go.
Never the same.
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There is a switch in my head.
But not two options.
Hundreds
Too many inside.
"Fuck."
"I want to die," I say.
"I wasn't supposed to let it get this bad again," I say.
As if I have any choice in the matter.
As if my brain isn't the traitor here.
who am i today?
a disarray of traits to have and things to be. this is a game i play
over and over - unravelling the me that came that's new from yesterday.
I hate you but I am not the one who created you,
You will follow me around whereever I go,
I see you in the shadows and in the light,
You are the very reason I cry myself to sleep at night,
EMOTIONS
I'm Not Feelin So Fine
Not feelin so great
Hate. The way I feel
Hate. The patients to wait.
But in the end, I'm feelin fine.
Every night through the day
I feel high, up, down, O-kay
Which is better
depression or mania
What is worse
organic psychosis or obscure sadness
You see the bright white i see the solemn
grey
I don't mean to sound desperate but
It feels as if I'm flying and not even trying to be better,No longer am I plagued by depressing thoughts in my head, wishing I were dead but ratherFeeling like I'm on top of the world ready to leap down into the abyss below,
Don't give up, it get's better.
Don't let those eyes get any wetter.
Don't beat yourself up or tear yourself down.
Don't give the world its saddest sound.
Don't let your mind lose itself.
There’s no glamour in it.
No flashing lights
lighting up the reflection in the tears
of her eyes.
Just purple circles
from sleepless nights
What does it feel like to be dead?
Is it cold? Slimy? Painful?
What does it feel like to exist?
Would I miss her advice when she shows me how,
How to survive and stand up for myself?
Even in ways that are bad for my health.
Bad for my already manic, young mind
Floods of wrath, Tigris to my Ur!
Trenchantly breaking relations
—Temples of Toil— made by me!
From the sweat of my brows, they’re built
someone once told me that depression was god's way of weeding out the weak
as if there were no room in this world for people like me
people who can't just "suck it up" and be HAPPY
No one
Not even the rain
Can quite feel my pain
As I call out your name
And its a shame
That you left me in vain
While I crawled on the floor leaving a small blood stain
I’m not as okay as I said I was
I’m taking the pills, I promise
But I still feel like there’s not
Much you can do for me now.
It’s time for a change
It’s time to put an end to the stigma that surrounds mental illnesses
It’s time to stop shaming those with mental health problems
I awake
Shower
Clothes
Food
Shoes
Leave
Elevator Door
Opens
Push Up
Go Down
Can't Get Up
Next Day
Elevator Door
Opens
Some days I want to put a gun to my head
but then again, who'd be crazy enough to put a gun in my hands?
Silence
Is a beautiful thing when all you can hear in your mind are screams
Blindness
Some lions, some tigers go to frightening lengths
The random firing of synapses
Scare themselves and each other half to death
The random misfiring of synapses
I have fallen into a pattern of
ticking and tock-ing
for those who simply miss the measurement of time.
My mouth is stained red, but my
mind is enveloped in tones of blue, no longer
If I had to write about being bipolar,
I would write about the ups and downs.
How some days you feel like you are soaring
and others you feel like you are fifty feet underground.
I take eight tablets and capsules a day.
They help hide the unreliable wiring to my mind.
Giving me this false intoxication.
Frenzied sometimes, but dispiritedness always.
I just get this abnormal logic.
August 9:
I was undiagnosed mixed stateit’s in the new DSM, a form of bipolar and I called the suicide hotlineI was going to drive my car until I ran out of gas and kill myself
When diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the concept of self is lost.
