'anxiety'
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I am the bullied man, and I am proud.I am the bullied man, and I am so aloneIt is a contradiction—in me;In my heart it is a dichotomy. If I was strong they would not have gotten to me.Without strength, with darkness in my soul,They came for me.
My friends hate me.
My mind echoes,
With their twisted words.
At first, I barely noticed,
“Oh, I didn’t think you’d want to come.”
tock continues to tick and takes this train
hostage; loops, speeds, nearly tips
the conductor hangs with one hand
Gripping the footplate for dear life,
sometimes
the hardest jump
is into shallow water
because you know that
you’ll be ever so safe
but it leaves you
wondering
I wake up to another day,
A smile on my face, the pain locked deep inside,
Where I know that it is safe,
I see everyone around me,
They all look so happy,
I'm trapped inside my head,
So ignorant and young
To not know the truth of it all
That things once pieced together
Could fall apart
Not easily mended
Things would be broken unintended
Wishful thinking will not solve anything
and it's eating at me inside
constantly gnawing the back of my mind
leaving me in an
elevated
adrenalinated
flustered place of panic
A roiling sea in the pit of my stomach
The world is loud.
And busy.
Everyone pushing to get to the same places
They rush by and life passes them by like the blur of faces
The only difference between you and me is I get stuck
In the in between.
I will admit
I’m afraid of the dark.
Not for its shallow emptiness,
But rather what lurks
In the shadows of my mind
After the sun breaks the sky.
Not for its null of silence
The pear trees have surrendered.
Their blossoms, once lifted by the wind of laughing hopeful children, now lay limp on the dry ground.
Wait until darkness. Wait until the blackness of the night engulfs me whole. Wait until the words, which once supported me like bones, shatter beneath me. Dreaming of a life in which I will never live.
my hand is pulsing with energy
my heart is pumping maybe
too fast
and im afraid to walk out the wrong door as the dragon and her keeper wait
Gasp for air in a crowded room
The way you walk
Heart pounds a thundering boom
shaking voice when you talk
Quiet place
lose your nerve
wear it on your face
but stay reserved
A freezing wind blows upon my upturned face.
Do you feel it too when the world spins at this pace?
When disaster strikes, we drag out our monsters,
But through the night we wait for something softer.
People are not all that they seem,
streams of lowered self-esteem.
Darkness running through and through,
constantly running into you.
Hopelessness keeps you up,
you are falling into a rut.
Inhale.
My hands shake, my head aches, my chest heaves.
Panic, fear, doubts are all I hear.
It’s a silent but seen demon that creeps, and steals and ruins.
Eight o'clock pm
Perfect time to get some rest in
I've set the alarm
Placed my pillows just right
I lay my head and hold my bear tight
But the monsters under my bed
The man inside my head
Heart, beating fast as if we had reached the end.
Hands, shaking like the earthquake shoke the ground.
Mind, racing like kids on the playground.
It has to stop, i cant go on.
i think to myself.
I When I was three I was taught the shape of a heart
My stubby hands learned to draw first
by scribbling the curved and pointed symbol of love
They say that there’s a certain type of feeling
That defines you
That hurts you
That changes you
Or maybe that’s just me
They would tell me depression
Had physical scars
Another day, another dollar
Never quite getting my head above the water.
Xenacious in my wait for an end
I know it'll happen, I just dont know when.
Emptiness erodes all layers of my brain
Can anyone hear me? Hello? Thought so. Talking into a deep and empty cradle of depression and anxiety.
In the darkness, I feel lost and weary
I have to gasp, reach for a single breath.
The pressure grows, truly it is scary
I turn face so as to not embrace death.
The night goes on and the monster whispers
Thankyou anxiety! For everything I thought I couldn't do,
for the moments I felt blue because of you,
and convinced myself I was a fool for not loving you.
I write poetry
So the tick tick tick
Tock will stop being
Stuck in my brain
Around and around
I go
Did she hide because she was scared?
What was she scared of?
Did she even know?
Was she jealous?
Of what?
What do I have that she doesn’t?
Silence. I just want silence. Radio static flickers on a broken record spinning at a million miles an hour and no matter how much you slow it down it's always too fast. Silence.
Silence. I just want silence. Radio static flickers on a broken record spinning at a million miles an hour and no matter how much you slow it down it's always too fast. Silence.
Anxiety is believing in magic.
If I move my hand the door will hold its lock.
When I tense every muscle in my body the pressure will stop.
I, in the current state, is not a stateThat nobody wants.My past state, is alsoA state nobody wants.I, in the past,Was like a jesterIn the king’s court.Some memories die,While some don’t.
I’m a poster child with no more room on the wall,
And I want to be the molly ringwald of every situation.
The eyes in the back of my head hear you talking bad about me,
I tell my boyfriend i have anxiety disorder.
he tells me, “don’t worry we all get anxious over something.”
yes, while you may be anxious over the test you have tomorrow,
The first time you asked for a hug I flinched.
It was because of you.
But it was not.
It was all about me.
My head was playing a horror movie.
Leaving lather on the floor is the best way to leave the shower tonight. Water beads, down the drain, but her hands glide. She speaks few words, and quivers her lip, so heavily in this night. I love your skin, you simple fool.
Ms. Play it safe, Mrs. take it slow.
Doesn’t know what to do or where to go
Mrs. Overly protective. Mrs. Overcautious.
Worried about the consequences of every little thing.
my breath runs
exit sign teeth
door lips
quick as the realization
swiftly mugged me
of my tranquility
i can feel
I appear to be stuck in my own mind.
It's been this way for as long as I've lived,
Hidden in dreams, pretending to be kind.
Overreacting I'm not that deprived,
But I've realized I'm not the only one.
Swallow these pills you’ll feel better
Prozac, zoloft, seroquel, hydroxyzine, pills pills pills
Take it, swallow it with your saliva and let it dissolve in your stomach acid
Dear anxiety -
There's so much to tell you
and this isn't me in a postcard
writing after months of no word
but the isolation
is just the same.
I have so much to tell you
I saw the stars
for the first time in
a while.
Was it you
shining down on me?
I've never seen them
so clearly
in this sad and busy
city.
My companion anxiety
It is time for you to go
You're not welcome here anymore
But this you already know
Reasoning with you doesn't work
Neither begging nor pleading
You go away only to return
A Letter to My Anxious Brain:
You’re doing it again.
The video of the guy with ALS,
It set you off? Didn’t it.
It started out small—
Innocuous. His arm was sore.
Now he’s saying goodbye
Dear Anxiety,
I’d like to say it’s been a while,
but that’d be a lie.
I saw you yesterday.
We sat and you told me everything I didn’t want to hear.
Dear Anxiety
Why have you strung me up so high
With my nerves at their end, hands and feet tied?
People tell me all the time
Dear Mental Health,
We talked about this.
You said that if I took my head meds,
You said that if I reached out,
You said that if I tried,
You don’t have OCD
Do you have to do things in certain numbers?
Knock three times on a door?
Turn the knob three times to open it?
We look to find just who we are inside
Forever looking to find where we fit
Having constant fear of being denied
In the process some people just lose it
Everywhere we attempt to interact
To you, my greatest fear.
You've always been here
You and all your silly irrationalness.
Making me fear that I have a deadly illness.
Oh wait, what's that?
Is that the sign for early cancer from a bat?
Hey Fear,
What’re you still doin’ here?
I told you to go
Cause you always bring me down
So
low –
A simple question’s all it takes
To make my hands shake
Like my life’s at stake
"Mom, my depression is taking over my life."
She asks me, "Where did depression come from?"
I tell her, "It's my dormant friend inside my head that never leaves."
You are a pleasure to most,
And a curse to some.
You are a ghost,
That they can't covercome.
For those that fear,
And those that submit.
You are never clear,
You make people acquit.
Dear 13-year-old me,
Here's something to keep in mind.
You're going to spend too many months
Thinking you have worth you have yet to find.
You are more than that tiny number
Showing up on the scale
Dear Anxiety:
Please leave.
I don’t like you.
I certainly don’t need you.
...or do I? Would I
Dear Anorexia, Anxiety, and Depression: thank you. I am not thanking you for putting me through the worst parts of my life; I write this to thank you for making me stronger.
My anxiety hits me in waves like the tides that crash on the beach,
Hitting me hard and unrelenting and then
Suddenly gone.
Comparitive to the low tide when the waves are pulled back and reveal
a soft and new beach.
Can't keep a diary
when there's no such thing as privacy
It hurts
Trapped in my body trapped in my head
Who's keeping us together?
Baby boy stops her from shattering
