Questions that 12-year old me might ask me now

Is that really us?

What happened to our graphic tees?

The white tube socks?

Do we always cuff our jeans now?

How do you make it look that neat?

We never really do neat

Or I guess we never used to.


Are those pizzas on your socks?

I used to love pizza til they told me not to

Do we still like pizza?

Our hair looks darker now,

Did we dye it?

Did we diet?

Mom says I have to start a diet

To go for walks

To eat less snacks

To eat less food

To eat less

My stomach hurts and dad still hits us

Does he ever stop hitting us?

Does he remember he loves us?

Does he remember I love him?


I still don’t know what I did wrong

Did I do something wrong?

Or do they ever tell us?

I don’t sleep much anymore

Do we get more sleep now?

Have the nightmares stopped?

Do we ever forget what his fingers felt like on our throat?

Do the scars on our back go away?

Do any of the scars go away?

And are you still sleeping?


Are you still a walking corpse

A memory of a night night you will never forget

The reason we ran out of ibuprofen

Did we try it again

Did you write another note

What did it say?

Did you say you were sorry

That it wasn’t their fault though you knew it was

What do you think they would have said?

Do you think they’d ever even have gave a fuck!




I’m sorry for swearing

You know I never swear

Not yet anyway

Swearing is for adults

And mom says even adults shouldn’t do it.

So I’m sorry

I promise I won’t happen again,

But do we like girls yet?

Did we learn to push away those thoughts

Those feelings for other boys

The way our cheeks turn red when he touches you

The way our hairs stick up when we hear their voice

Do we learn to stop dreaming about young men in our bedroom?

And liking it?


You don’t have to answer,

But did we learn to say no yet?

They told me it was wrong but I did it anyway

I let it happen anyway

And I know you know what I mean

And I know he’d know what I mean

But we were just boys

And they were just moments

And it didn’t mean anything

And it’ll never mean anything

But does he still remember me?

Does he ever stop ignoring me?

And are there others?

Are there other memories

Other times I didn’t say no?

Are we lonely?


I have so many questions and so little time

But did we make it?

Did we survive?

Did we become the next American Idol?

Or a mermaid?

Or did we discover the cure for cancer?

I want to know if we still know Jesus

Does he still hold us in his arms

Cradled in bed at night

After being sent to bed with no dinner

With tears still fresh on my eyes

With screams echoing through the walls

Even though we are covered in sin

Even though they say we are a sin

Does he still love us?

Did we learn to love ourself?

You look amazing by the way

You look stronger

And gayer

And happy

And I hope it’s not just another act

Did we get better at hiding?


Are you happy?

Are you listening?

Then why aren’t you answering?

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