Being smacked down

Before being allowed to get back up again

Taught me something very valuable about love:

 

it isn’t always a cliché

 

Starting at age five you began to tell me I wasn’t good enough

For anything or anyone

not even you

I tried so hard to prove to you that I was

Good

Enough

But every time you just shut me down

 

You told me you were ashamed to call me your daughter

You told me without dad forcing himself on you

I wouldn’t even be here

 

But these were lies

All of them

Weren’t they?

A way for you

to feed the monster inside

 

A demon that hibernated

In your heart

Just waiting for its chance

To roar its mighty roar

And slash its mighty slash

Harming all those who attempted to protect its prey

Chloe

Dad

Me

 

And YOU

Who had been trapped

In the cutch of its hand

Being played like a fiddle

For years

 

YOU who

Helplessly

Unwillingly

Watching it hurt everybody you loved

And everybody who once loved you

Rotting your heart from the inside out

 

But Mom

There was a cure

There was a way for you to exterminate

This monster

Did you know?

Ha

Right

Of course you knew

Silly me

To think that my mom

Would choose me

over alcohol

Choose me

Over driving safer

So I wouldn’t die

In the back seat of the car

Choose me

Over that urge to inflict pain

Choose me

Over yelling

“I am trying Ellie!”

when later taking

one, two, three sips of the devils juice

in the bathroom

Choose me

Over the rush you got

With that scream

That shook my body

Choose me

Over that face you made

Every single time I ate

Never understanding

How

Much

it

hurt

Me

Over making that bed

In that one room

A place where tears constantly fell

Me

Over changing hide and go seek

To just hide

Me

Over the monster

That was killing you

And me

Over the Sunday afternoon

When you fell and you never got back up

 

I never knew how much comfort somebody could find

In the feeling of pain

Of fear

Of self hate

Until I saw the dead body of my childhood laying right there

right in front of me

A casualty

To the monster

 

Your goal wasn’t to inflict pain

Or bring any harm to those you loved

You didn’t want to hurt me

You didn’t want to hurt anybody

But you did

you did