Ruby
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B L I N D
I see the way he looks at her
He wants her
He would brighten her
The perfect two
Oh, joy!
Like they were matched
Meant to be
But,
She's too blind!
As I write my final letter to you, I don't feel any remorse.
In fact, I almost feel relived to know that little parasite is gone.
I know I put the parasite on me, and I let it drain me for so long.
I don't care if you are depressed.
I will try to cheer you up.
I don't care if you are mad.
I will try to make you laugh.
I don't care if you are ignoring me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I've caused you any sadness these past couple days.
I'm sorry if I creeped you out.
I'm sorry if I disgusted you with the idea of my love.
I'm sorry if I put a bullet through your heart.
The pain is almost unbearable.
I never excpected to love you, it just happened.
And now here I am wishing you'd just speak to me.
You flirt with everyone, but the one boy that flirts back is shunned.
Some people's idea of happiness consist of tender moments with another.
Other's consist of a smokey room full of friends.
Other's, of piles of money and days full of laziness.
Music makes me think of you.
Smiles make me think of you.
Poetry makes me think of you.
Laughter makes me think of you.
Nature makes me think of me of you.
As I remember my happy times, I long for them back.
Me just a whisper of your past, but you are still screaming in my ear.
I still laugh at our walks together, our childish conversations.
You call this a crush?
I feel like shit everyday you avoid me.
I feel like I deserve to die because what I've done.
God has cursed me and left me to wilt in this ditch.
In an ocean of darkness, there is one light for me.
And it shines brighter than even the sun above.
It is so close, yet not within reach.
I try to get closer, but the light fades into the distance.
God I hurt so much.
Without you to talk to.
Im trying so hard to fix it, but god I'm tired.
Just tired.
Emotionally, physically, psychologically.
Is it even worth it at this point?
Roller coasters used to be fun.
With it's ups and downs and twists and loops.
I had you by my side to make it fun.
Now my highs are scary, because I can only go down from them.
You were my world.
You were the sun of my solar system.
The music of my life.
You mattered to me more than anything.
And you still do.
Did you ever think about me?
Did you ever dream about us?
Was it a dream?
Us?
We were so happy.
So childlike.
So carefree.
What happened?
It was too short.
I messed it up, didn't I?
My happiest days were with you.
Do you think this is what I wanted?
Do you think I follow you so I can torment you?
Do you think I'm happy?
Do you think I am mad at you?
Do you think I hate you?
I would never be mad at you.
Why do I love you?
I love you because you make gremlin faces at me.
I love you because your teeth don't quite line up.
I love you because you bounce all over the place.
Every time I think of our time as friends, I die inside.
I feel as though I just swallowed broken glass.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry forever.
Everytime I see you I think of my mistakes.
I live day by day now.
Time seems to be but a memory anymore.
Somedays I feel like time has stopped,
while others fly by.
I smile and laugh everyday, acting like I'm ok.
On the inside, I feel like shit.
I don't waste my time every morning because I think it's funny.
I don't make new friends in my own interest.
I don't stay at school to practice for 14 straight hours because it's fun.
This feeling is brand new, and I'm not sure if I like it.
It's intensity burns brighter than anything I have ever known.
It gives me hope and motivation.
It also makes me feel hopeless and demotivates me.
Everyday I fight a war.
I get up without the guarantee of seeing you.
I go to school without you to make it bearable.
I smile without you to make it real.
I laugh without you to make it full.
What do you see when you see me?
A good friend that fucked up?
A horrible friend that never truly cared?
A stranger that needs to give up?
A jerk that is too clingy?
A loser that you wanted to humor?
Love is NOT wanting to share a night with someone,
but wanting to share life with them.
Love is NOT wishing the other would kiss you because you thirst for it,
but kissing because the words 'I love you' are not enough.
I never expected to love you.
I never thought I would even become friends.
Ask me 2 years ago, I may have even called you ugly,
With your short stature and uneven teeth.
But oh how things have changed.
I'm in love with a lot of people.
I love my friends; Nathali, Victoria, Logan, and Allison to name a few.
I love my family; My Mom, my Dad, my Brother, and my Sister.
But you? You are different.
I love you.
Sometimes, when life gets too hard to stand,
you need a minute to sit down in the mud and move on.
Move on from all that is hard, from all things that give you stress.
Now, moving on is not the same as giving up.
I used to be sad, used to mope and grief.
I used to stand on the edge of tears as I saw you.
Now I realise, there is nothing appealing about depression.
Then I saw your sadness.
You became glue for me.
Sometimes I wonder, what do you dream about?
Do you dream about wild fantasies where you are a queen?
Do you dream about worlds made of sweets?
Do you ever dream of me?
Today, you were with me.
You laughed when I laughed,
we thought alike so often.
Yet you seemed different,
sad about, something.
I wanted to ask you, but we're still being repaired.
Regret, sadness, depression,
but never hatred.
Guilt, melancholia, sorrow,
but never anger.
Remorse, gloom, heartache,
but never hostility.
Grief, misery, woe,
but never rage.
Even the happiest times are melancholy without you.
Even the sunniest days are dark without you.
Even the warmest blankets are cold without you.
Even the fullest rooms are empty without you.
I was born in the same generation as you,
lucky enough to meet you.
I was lucky enough for you to move to my town.
You visited me in the summer,
lucky enough for you to care.
Every smile without you is an empty one.
Every laugh without you isn't worth it.
Every step without you is heavy.
Every breath without you hurts.
Every day without you is wasted.
Never did I think that I wouldstoop so low as to fall intothis deep darkness that doesn't endthis coldness that punctures the soul.This is all my fault, my fault thatnow you don't want to talk to me.
Do you remember
the times we spent together
sitting in a tree, as happy as could be.
Do you remember
when I told you
it takes a lot to make me cry?
Do you remember
what the note said?
Evertime I see your face, a very powerful emotion is stirred up.
It overpowers my anxiety, my grief, my sadness, and tells me 'just keep trying'
I don't know what you see when you look in the mirror,
My past life used to appeal to me, now it is dreary in comparison.
No one I truly loved, no full happiness, no perfect peace.
I could fall asleep without tears or anguish,
One, two, three
let me lay in bed and count.
four, five, six
the mistakes I've made with you.
seven, eight, nine
I would take them all back.
ten, eleven, twelve
each one just as bad as the last.
I feel a coldness that penetrates to the very core, and doesn't stop there.
A darkness so deep that it blots out any hope of light.
Despair so sad that I am barely trudging on.
Love cannot be bought.
I would not love you
if you gave me riches beyond my imagination.
I don't want emeralds, diamonds, or gold.
I would give up everything I have for one, perfect Ruby.
I would be lying if I told you
I didn't cry that awkward day.
The day you decided
that I wasn't the one.
I've told you before,
and I won't go back on my word.
You look around the room your eye's find mine,
your little ears hear the tunes I play tonight,
so close your eyes and dream my melody,
darling close your eye's and drem a dream for me,
