This World in My Head

Tue, 09/24/2013 - 23:12 -- Lotus


I convinced myself that the world hated me.

I saw there's no good I could be.

In reality I was the only real bully.

I beat myself up and called myself ugly.

I saw that I all I ever brought was pain.

That each day I drove people insane.

I told myself I was a stupid and I was a freak.

I made everything feel so empty and seem so bleak.


I would stab at my own throat.

I would just dig myself deeper in this moat.

Beating after beating I lay on the floor.

Thought after thought I found my back against the door.

My soul was beaten black and blue.

It was something no one ever knew.

Because as each sun set on the sky,

It was on the floor bloodied I would lie.


Most people's average struggle was leaving bed...

Mines was just wishing I were dead...

In one hand I held death and the other held life.

But just like that and I was left with a knife.

Hills turned to mountains of doom

While my mind became a dangerous field to loom.

The pain burned wild like fire.

My situation grew dire...


I had the audacity to try end it all

Because I lay broken after each fall.

The pain of empty existence still stung.

All the words of hate and resentment still rung.

No one ever saw the empty stage behind my crooked smile.

It stayed like that for awhile.

The light had just nearly burned out.

The soul parched from the depressing drought.


But there was this strong hand.

A hand like no else that would help me stand.

It brushed the dirt away even the tears.

It hushed my whimpers and destroyed my fears.

It softened my heart.

It took me back to the start.

It reminded me I could be anything I wanted to be.

That I only just had to see...


It reminded me I'm an amazing friend.

From the beginning to every bitter end.

I thought I was a big fat zero...

But to my friends I was some sort of hero.

To them I was a warrior a lover.

Even like a blood brother.

Because each day I looked at myself the wrong way.

Because there was more to me that I could ever say.


Each morning I just wanted to die.

I could no longer uphold this lie.

Behind locked doors I cried my eyes out.

But now look behind each word and hear me shout.

I'm not ugly, stupid, or anything else I said.

I'm alive and not quite dead.

I may not be smart or strong,

But my friendship and loyalty last quite long.


My friends cherish every moment we had.

That's why each day I'm not sad

I'm not heart broken or mad.

There's nothing that's ever been so bad.

It was only in my head.

It was there only dark thoughts were fed.



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