It wasn’t all that pretty

 

You’ve always been near me,

But you’ve never really known me

 

I was standing there in front of you,

But I felt like you couldn’t really see

 

Can you see me?

Can you see the scars that the stabbed dreams and bulleted words have left within me?

Can you see them?

 

It wasn’t all that pretty

 

You’ve talked to me,

But I feel like you’ve never exactly been there

 

With me

 

You make me feel safe,

You make me feel like if you’re standing next to me,

Nothing will ever happen to me

 

I know that no matter what happens,

You’ll always be my big brother,

Always be there for me

 

When you’ll be gone for long periods of time,

I know that I’ll miss you,

But I know that this is what you have to do

 

It won’t be the same,

To go on walks and pretend that you’re there

It won’t be the same,

 

To live a long summer without my big brother,

And only feel like we’re standing next to each other

 

It won’t be the same,

To go searching through the trees,

And pretend to hear your voice

To pretend to hear your coyote howl ringing through my ears

 

It won’t be the same,

To not call your name,

Knowing that you’re gonna be far off from the room next to mine

 

It won’t be the same,

To hear my own name,

And know that it won’t be from your voice for a while

 

It won’t be the same,

For you not to be here for the whole summer,

 

It just won’t be the same,

When I’m not with my big brudda