Who am I?

Who am I to look her in the face and say

“I’m fine. No, really it’s okay.”

 

When really I’m screaming inside.

Begging for answers to questions I don’t know.

Waiting for the weight of the world to slip off my shoulders and squash my existence into ashes.

Loneliness succumbs my being like a wind carrying needles that pierce straight through.

I never knew, emotional pain could hurt so deep.

Make my bones ache, my brain throb and my heart to beat with the frequency of the hummingbird.

Flying.

Soaring into nothingness that feels like my life, I’ve lost connection with reality.

But with all the pain that comes with the truth.

 

It’s like my life on video, with all the tragedies playing over and over in my head.

Overlapping each other and making it hard to breathe.

 

I wear tears on my sleeves,

hoping she can’t see them across my face.

Too proud to admit the flaws,

Not knowing where to start if I wasn’t.

 

I’ve been through this too many times,

My lines are too well rehearsed

The greatest actress and the world is my stage.

You’ve let me out of my cage,

I will not go back in.

 

But the truth still remains,

no matter how triumphant my speech

the wars inside are still waging.

And I keep on aching,

Make myself sick to my stomach.

That I’d rather take a pill

Then to deal with this condition.

 

One pill,

used to do the trick.

Having me feeling-

well, not feeling,

just how I wanted it.

 

Then came, two, three, five,

to measurements of handfuls

and hand grenades

like swallowing saw blades

I watched myself wither away.

 

The biggest hypocrite

Now stares at me in the mirror.

Shattered, are the ideals

That I preach to my peers.

 

Who am I?

To give advice on life

When every night I tango with death.

My body now a carcass for a lost soul

Chest filled with bullet holes.

And my heart the empty barrel.

 

But where there’s a spark

There’s a flame.

I will not let this poem be in vain.

I’ve cried a rivers worth of hot tears

Fuck probably even an ocean!

But I cannot stand the notion

of someone feeling the way I felt.

 

I’ve put all my cards on the table,

Label them as you will.

A hypocrite, yes.

But an ally, more than you’ll ever know.

 

You will never be alone,

Find shelter in these words,

I’ll spin a cocoon from the tip of my tongue

To keep you safe, when the night brings back the shakes.

 

I know struggle and depression,

More than I care to admit.

But this is not a sign of weakness,

And it. does not. mean. broken.