Who is to blame when I feel this sinking tugging pressure is it me or is it her or him or all of them or this whole world that centers on grades and looks and Internet?

I burst into tears and cry 'cause when I was little it would make me feel better and my mommy would hold me and my daddy would give me water with sugar when I was feeling sick but now I don't know why I cry because no one is there to comfort me, not with sugar-water or hugs or "It will be better" because it won't be better, it can't be better this is just the world we live in, she said, with a dismissive wave of her hand.

Being a teenager is fun, they say. You will never get this time back, they say. But why in the world would you want THIS back, this waking up and feeling ugly and seeing friends stressed out and seeing yourself stressed out and falling asleep but you want to learn, but you're just so tired, and the room is so warm, and the teacher's voice provides more comfort than your own bedroom which you haven't vacuumed in weeks because you've been so damn busy and

You've got this dust allergy, hell, you're probably just allergic to this lifestyle, of deadlines and due dates and teachers telling you that you need to work harder, but how can you work harder than your limit? You can break down, all you can do is cry, and in the end crying only yields puffy eyes and wasted time and tissues.

And the doctor tells you which colleges to go to, and to get a higher SAT score even though all my friends tell me that my score is good, but in this type of world I don't know who is telling the truth or who is trying to fool me--to lessen the competition--and I know it sounds cruel to think that of your best friend but who knows?

And the parents tell you which colleges to go to, but they are a broken record saying "HARVARD HARVARD HARVARD" Why? I don't know why, it's definitely not because they're Boston fanatics, but in this world they say that it's the only place to go anywhere, and it may sound like

A joke but she says that she wants me to marry someone rich and I don't quite understand why everything is about money. Good grades are about money because of scholarships. This is why Asians work so hard, I heard, because their parents don't want to 'waste money' on college tuition

Good grades may give money but it comes at a price every morning I wake up feeling like school is the place where I was once happy but now all it is a vessel, a chore, a place to sit and get tired and work with chemicals and textbooks and Powerpoints.

And the friends tell you which colleges to go to, because they say that if they had your grades and your clubs and your rank that they would apply to all the Ivy leagues, and it's true, I am, and I know that I can't throw it all away and I shouldn't and I should plan for the future and make my future self happy

But I know that I can't be happy either way because I'll be stuck in this vicious cycle of work work work and play later until I'm 90 and still have the urge to write a five-page paper just because I need something to do, and stay up late and die early

But am I being petty or spoiled or overdramatic, I don't know. I'm writing this all as it comes into my head, and I don't know who may read it, I don't know you, reader. I don't know what you'll do with this or what you'll think

Just don't tell me which colleges to go to. Let me decide for myself.