I am dreaming about pies
Or maybe it was chrysanthemums
Or the way your laugh sounds like distant thunder
and I always loved thunderstorms.
I hear your breath in my ear to remind me that it is 7pm
It is not time to sleep yet
That I am just sleepy because you are holding me.
That you are holding me because you love this body
This fat imperfect body
And I don’t understand it
And I’ll never understand it
But I’m so thankful for it.
And I open my eyes to see your hand on my hand and your arm under my neck like a pillow I didn’t know I was using.
And I can feel your body against my back
And the sweat
And your heartbeat resonating through my body
Mimicking my own like music
And I look at our hands again
Breathing out right before you do
And I notice how similar they are
How the curves of my fingers seem to be designed to match with your own
How my big hands finally feel normal
And yet how different it all is
Our skin is painted like coffee beans
But mine just needed more creamer
A lot more creamer
Because I’m not as sweet as you
And you know I could never drink coffee much anyway
How I’ve always needed a latte
Because I’ve never liked the bitter taste on my lips
Which is to say, it’s so sweet that yours are so sweet
And I think of the words my father said when I left for college at 18, “don’t bring home a black girl” and if he could only see me now. Curled in your arms.
So I guess you could say I listened
I didn’t not bring home a black girl
But I brought home a man who loves me and I’d like to think he’d be proud
But we both know he wouldn’t.
But we both know I don’t care
But we both know we’re better off this way
And I remember your arms wrapped around me again
And I wonder what you’re thinking about
In the still of this room
And the dim fake candle on my dresser
You laughed when I confessed it was fake
And I knew I wanted to kiss you then
But I didn’t
And when my head was rested on your chest and I talked about Halloween
You laughed again
I like it when you laugh
And this time you kissed me
This time you bent in and kissed me
And I forgot what I was going to say
And it doesn’t matter what I was going to say
Because you are here
And I realize while I was thinking all this that you have fallen asleep as well
That our breaths are consecutive and repetitive and finally synchronized.