Someone told me once that we only see stars when they’re dying

As if death was the most memorable thing about them

And it makes me wonder.

 

You know depression is an empty space

A universe of no life

The absence of hope in a never ending abyss and they tell you to smile

They tell you to go for walks

Or drink herbal tea as if somehow that will make me want to kill myself less

And maybe for some people it does

Maybe for some people, a brisk evening air on their face can remind them why they choose to go on living.

Or maybe the warmth and bitterness of a home-brewed tea

is enough to stir the places in your soul you forgot existed.

But not for me.

 

And this isn’t to say you should stop trying

This isn’t to say there aren’t reasons to live or reasons to hold on

But I’m just still searching for mine

And maybe that’s my reason

I’ve never been much of a quitter

So maybe I’m not done searching yet

And maybe searching will be my purpose

An explorer for reasons to live.

 

And I have collected so many

So many reasons and motives over the years

I’m just not good at keeping them for myself

Not good at using them for myself

So I’m searching.

 

And I found rainbows

And I found homemade chocolate chip cookies

And rain storms with the smell of petrichor

And I found poetry

And murder mystery novels

And the crunching of fallen leaves

But the pebbles haven’t begun to fill the glass.

 

So I am searching and I’m sure I will find more reasons

And I’m sure I will see more seasons

I’m just searching for a reason to stop.

But even stars stop burning someday