Someone told me once that we only see stars when they’re dying
As if death was the most memorable thing about them
And it makes me wonder.
You know depression is an empty space
A universe of no life
The absence of hope in a never ending abyss and they tell you to smile
They tell you to go for walks
Or drink herbal tea as if somehow that will make me want to kill myself less
And maybe for some people it does
Maybe for some people, a brisk evening air on their face can remind them why they choose to go on living.
Or maybe the warmth and bitterness of a home-brewed tea
is enough to stir the places in your soul you forgot existed.
But not for me.
And this isn’t to say you should stop trying
This isn’t to say there aren’t reasons to live or reasons to hold on
But I’m just still searching for mine
And maybe that’s my reason
I’ve never been much of a quitter
So maybe I’m not done searching yet
And maybe searching will be my purpose
An explorer for reasons to live.
And I have collected so many
So many reasons and motives over the years
I’m just not good at keeping them for myself
Not good at using them for myself
So I’m searching.
And I found rainbows
And I found homemade chocolate chip cookies
And rain storms with the smell of petrichor
And I found poetry
And murder mystery novels
And the crunching of fallen leaves
But the pebbles haven’t begun to fill the glass.
So I am searching and I’m sure I will find more reasons
And I’m sure I will see more seasons
I’m just searching for a reason to stop.
But even stars stop burning someday