Mistrust and suspicion rule in my brain

They run  cross country inside my heart.

Loud thumping, mind racing, loosing the control

Your breaths quicken and your sight blurs.

You know it’s not real.

You know it won’t hurt you

But you can’t control it and it takes you over.


P is for the Pain it causes you, or the pain you cause yourself. Red lines and white scars cover your thighs. Burned skin make delicate designs on your arms. This is the pain, but this is better than what they want to do to you.


A follows with a feeling of anxiety. Recurring mistrust and lies. you can’t breathe anymore,you can’t stop crying. Your heart thumping, your mind flying. Everything is too much to handle. It’s all too strong for a weak person like you.


R is the racing in you body, the numbness it gives you. It’s the reason you harm yourself, to get the control, to ease yourself, to slow you down. This is a typical occurrence and the reason you never last more than 5 days.


A is the annoyance you find in yourself. Why can’t you be normal? What’s wrong with you? Why is everyone out to get you? What did you do to deserve this? There must be something, you worthless piece of trash.

N brings the night, the time where your panic and anxiety hit a high, when you cause pain to yourself. It’s the time where all emotions from the day crash down on you and threaten to kill your dwindling faith. You try to tell yourself that it’s gonna okay. And that everything is just temporary, maybe tomorrow will be easier.

O is the others who make fun of you and plot against you. They know they are hurting you, and you know they hate you. They have never liked you. You don’t understand what they intend to get from hurting you.

I follows with the isolation. You become a social pariah, how can you have friends when you know they all hate you. You even distance yourself from your parents. How can you be normal when you can’t even trust your family?

A is how afraid you are of everything, even yourself. You don’t know who will kill you first. You don’t know if you’re safe. You just know that you’re afraid, all the time.


This poem is about: 


Nicole Rothenberger


Nicole Rothenberger


Nicole Rothenberger


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