I'm lost and I don't know where to go from here.
I'm being battered by the whirling chaos that is my mind.
I'm doing things that I never thought I would.
Every time that I do them it's as if I've left myself behind.
At least that's what I find myself thinking.
But in reality I don't know if I ever had myself to begin with.
How do you find something if you don't even know what it is?
I feel like I'm just reaching and reaching for something that I'll never grasp.
I am at war with myself and I don't know what to bring to battle.
I'm trying to find the right defense, but I seem to only be creating new weaknesses.
I've found the love that God has for me again.
I've been made to remember that He won't cast me aside and that His love is unfathomable and everlasting.
Even if I'm lost, He will make sure I'm found.
Some days I am weak, but He will always be strong.
Even when I can't feel anything He will be there for when I can again.
All the things I think will help me feel never do and I feel my roots wilting at times.
My roots have to stay strong but my foundations are shaky and my heart is aching.
The horrible thing though is that I can't feel it when it's breaking
Only after it's already shattered and at that point I welcome it because it's all I have.
Maybe that's why I'm doing the things I'm doing, because I think it will make me feel alive again.
I. Want. To. Feel. Again.
That's the hard truth... That I want to feel like I'm living without feeling the pain.
But that's not how it works.
I can't just turn one off and save the other.
And I don't know where to go from here
But I'm trying
But I'm fighting
I'll be found
And I'll be thriving