Insecurities

Too fat, too skinny, too linky, too thick (quit) , Too fat, too skinny, too linky, too thick (average) ,

Too fat, too skinny, too linky, too thick (louder), Too fat, too skinny, too linky, too thick(aggressive/shout) 

 

It was never the same. Something could always be done better. 

 

From age 5 we had been told to look a certain way or we would never make it, be a certain size or one tackle and it was over

 

From age 10 if we were losing, it was because we were out of shape, and to slow

 

From age 13 we weren’t focused, or we didn’t care enough

 

and from age 16, we were too big, and too fat to the point of 6 flags becoming a daily occurrence

 

jog, run, sprint, jog run sprint, jog run sprint. minutes on end till we were on the verge of passing out, the ridicule never stopped, we were never what he wanted

 

my favorite was “all you do is eat cookies and drink dutch all day and it shows”.

 

It was never what he wanted. 

 

In sixth grade I was taller than everyone else and so skinny I was called a stick. told by coaches that I would never make it and needed to find something else to do.

 

By freshman year I had wanted to be a goalkeeper, but couldn’t make it off the bench because i wasn’t ‘the typical fit 

 

I wanted things to change, that's when I changed. 

 

I worked harder than everyone else, became quicker, stronger, bigger, and better. Day after day, week after week, month after month. It went from 2 practices a week, to 4, to 8 all the way to 15, it never stopped, I never stopped

 

That wasn’t what he wanted either.

 

I’d get home and be asked “how are you so skinny” “you never eat” “you’re a bird” “I want to look like you” but just hours later the tables were turned.

 

At practice it was a constant “you need to lose weight” “your too big” “your out of shape” “your never gonna make it in college”

 

When was it going to be enough? When was I going to be enough?

 

count your calories, eat the healthy stuff, workout everyday, the recipes our coaches gave us weren't for success, but for becoming depressed

 

The sport I had loved at 5 became the sport I hated at 17.

 

I left because of you.

 

But that wasn't enough.

 

The sport I had fallen out of love with was slowly creeping back, to the point where I had loved it again

 

I was finally playing it for joy, but that got destroyed

 

6 months after I left for a better team, ur ass came back to coach and lower my self esteem. 

 

our lives were formulated after what he wanted us to be

 

who cares about mental health, he was coaching to benefit himself, himself (quiter). 

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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