When you jokingly say “ohmygod I hate you!”

And I say laughing “I hate me too so it’s all good”

You may be joking, but I’m not

 

You want to know why I get uncomfortable when you try to compliment me?

Because I don’t understand how you could find anything positive about me

Because I don’t see anything positive about me

And if I can’t see it- And it’s about me,

Then you must be lying

You must be lying when you say I’m beautiful

That I have perfect lips and eyebrows

That you’re jealous of my figure

Or when you tell me how good I look in my outfit

How you wish you had the boobs to pull of a shirt like that

How short people are adorable and i'm both short and curvy

I know you mean I look like a fat child

You don't fool me

 

Because when I looked in the mirror this morning,

All I saw was a pathetic human

Someone trying too hard to just look decent

Covering up how disgusting I feel about myself by dressing up

By putting on makeup

By doing my hair

By making sure my smile is convincing

 

You don’t see me when I’m wearing clothes that hug my shape

Showing how I’m not beautiful, I’m gross

My fat

Squeezing out like playdough through a child's fingers

How I really look like a fuckup

A mistake

 

My partner tells me I’m blind

That I’m beautiful and I don’t need to change

I am like a work of art

Beautiful and one of a kind

 

It kills them when I don’t eat

Struggling to reach an image where I think I’ll be able to accept myself

Kills them when I scar my body

Not caring how it'll look because nothing could make me uglier

When I cry

Overcome with self-loathing and all they can do is hold me

Not knowing how to make me feel better

Not knowing if when they leave, i'll be leaving too

But in a different type of car

 

When I get told to just try and accept myself

Even for just a second

It hurts

Because I can’t.

I won’t

It's not as easy as you say it is

I can't just stop hating myself

 

Most of my friends love going shopping

Love trying on outrageous skimpy outfits at thrift stores

Love pretending we're going out and need to look extra good

They put on short skirts, low cut tight fitting tops, show off every inch of their body

To me, it’s a reminder that I’ll never be skinny enough

Never be pretty enough

Never look as good as them

It’s a reminder that I don’t deserve to eat

Shouldn’t kid myself into thinking I’m worth anything

 

They are perfect.

Beautiful in every way

I love wrapping my arms around them, warm in their embrace

They have a figure that should be envied

Shaped like an hourglass

Full hips, slim waist, perfect for wrapping my arms around, and very nice boobs

I couldn’t ask for a more stunning partner

Beautiful, lovely, stunning, sexy, gorgeous, incredible, i could go on and on but all these words are insults to how amazing they are