we've been laying in my bed

for hours now, neither of us sleeping

nor talking, just holding each other.

from the moment he walked in the front door

i knew that he had something on his mind,

he wants to tell me something; though

i am not sure what.

"baby girl i need to tell you... something"

he said as he ran his gentle hands through my hair.

all i could reply with was "okay"

i turn around to face him,

and we stare into each others eyes for a silent moment.

he looks away from my eyes,  his breath trembling a little.

i gently guide his eyes back at mine and 

as i do, i notice tears

on his cheeks. he is crying. 

i wipe away each tear carefully and gently,

and he cannot hesitate anymore.

i know what he is going to say, 

and i knew that this would happen

sooner or later.

"we're so far apart all the time, literally miles apart. 

i always worry about you when i am back at my home. 

last year i graduated high school, and now im in  college...

you graduate this year...- i just miss you so much when we

are not together..."

he says as he chokes on his words, with his tears flowing

steadily.

a single tear wets my cheek, my own tear

but i dont wipe it away.

i rest one hand over his heart, and the other tangled

in his soft brown hair, that is always slightly curly.

and i finish his sentence 

as he searches my eyes with his own.

"i know that this distance

is greater than the both of us and its tearing us apart...

i understand that its no longer healthy to 

be so far apart but so deep in love. and i know that we 

need to let go ... of us, of each other." i say gently.

he sobs... and it hurts that i cant 

stop it. 

" i found someone and i did not mean to... there is just

something there... her and i are like magnets-

she and i did things... while you and i were still together-"

after he says this, he stops crying.

my hand stops moving in his hair, and i cannot speak.

it isn't his fault... it is no ones fault. i am not mad.

"you hate me... don't you?"

he whispers.

i sigh, looking for words...

"i don't hate you... i am not capable of hating you. i have

seen enough of your delicate soul to not even think about

hating you

because you genuinely are a good person and i know you

always mean well. you two are magnets,

but we, we are gravity.

i love you... maybe too much-" i explain to him.

he sits up

and pulls me into his warmth 

with his gentle yet strong arms-

...

will this be the last time i get to smell

his cologne? like this? in his arms?

will this be the last time that i get to hug him?

...

he interrupts my thoughts

as he puts on

our

song.

i cannot hold in  the tears anymore

as i begin to sob

in his arms... 

and he is crying again.

we're a mess, but we're a beautiful mess.

and we stay like that for a while longer.

"i do not want us to become strangers, i still want to be..."

i don't know how to finish my own sentence.

"friends... actually, more than that, but-"

he pauses for a second to look at me.

" i am not sure that there is a word for that... if you know

what i mean." he tells me.

"i know what you mean" i softly say.

he grabs my chin

and kisses me 

with such delicacy- 

it felt 

like 

heaven.

he gets up

and takes off his sweater

and tosses it next to me.

"i love you" he says with pain, with sadness evident in his 

voice.

he turns away and leaves.

and then it hits me- 

my journal. i get up and trash my room

to find my journal just as i hear his car engine start

and all this journal is... its really just 

full of poems that i wrote for him,

but never had the courage 

to read them to him.

i sprint out of my house

and his car is almost around the corner of my street...

"wait!" i scream, hoping that he heard me.

his car stops abruptly

and i sprint towards him, towards my other half.

when i reach him, i am a mess.

i hand him the journal

full of overdue poems

that i wrote for him.

he looks down at it, confused 

so i motion for him to open it, 

and he does.

he reads the first part out loud;

"if you are reading this that means i have given you 

my heart. my thoughts. myself. me.

i love you so much... and these words i wrote in here- 

are only a piece of my love for you, 

because it is impossible to write it all down...

my love is more than the words that i wrote 

for you... it is more than just ink on  a page-"

and he stops reading.

he closed the journal.

he kisses my forehead

and whispers into my ear:

"i know. i will never have someone like you again because

you are a rarity... you are so much more than just a beautiful 

face... because your soul is drowning in beauty... don't ever 

forget that, mi amor."

he lets me go and gets into his car,

and

drives

away.

i am left standing there, 

not knowing what to do

because i feel so lost. 

i sit down and 

i cry

and cry

and

cry.

eventually i get up and walk

back  home.

 as i slip off my sandals,

i notice something on the table where 

the keys are kept.

i look a little

closer and notice it is a little 

glass bottle.

i pick it up

only to realize

that he

left me 

his 

cologne.