Growing Up Broken
You ask me to tell you when I realized I was growing up
Well that’s a complicated question
Cause I can say I was forced to grow up the moment my father decided to molest me from ages 5 to 13
But that would be obscene
Wouldn’t it?
Because I didn’t know, how could I know? That the minute his hand went down my pajama pants, I would never have a chance
A chance to really have a normal childhood
So I grew up under interrogation lights and late scream-filled nights
Told to be this and that
Be proper, be ladylike, be smart like your brother, and you better stop crying
Always with the crying
Why are you crying?
Well I’m a disappointment to my mother
Living in the shadow of my brother
And a puppet for my father to control
Here I am again on a self-pity roll!
Let me stop, breathe, and reword it all
Yes I feel like I am a disappointment to my mother
But that’s not true
I know she loves me and I love her too
And I say I’m in the shadow of my brother
But the truth is I’ve been out in the sunshine since the moment I sang a full song
The things about my father though they're true
And It hurts like hell
But what can I do? It’s already happened there’s no going back
So I just have to go along
Tell myself I’m fine, and maybe one of these days I’ll actually believe it’s true
So you ask me when I realized I grew up
I realize it in new ways every damn day
But that’s ok
Cause one reason I am who I am today is because of this pain, pressure, and anxiety I endured
Yes I grew up broken and I’m still growing up broken to this day
But like a cracked stained glass bowl
I shimmer and glow more than I could’ve ever imagined
And I wouldn’t trade that for the world