bodily betrayal

my fault

still inside me

years after the assault

complicated nonconsent

complicated discontent

wasn’t drugged

wasn’t dragged

blocked door

firm grasp

tried to disconnect

to disappear

managed only to freeze in fear

pretending it was okay

wishing I had run away

but I can’t go back or run away so all I can do is remember everyday and

 

all I can remember is

the odor of your breath

the newly washed but still stained sheets

the sound of your siblings downstairs

the trashy rap song playing from your tv

and all I can remember is you continuously asking if it was okay but

all I can remember is how quickly you disregarded my non-responses and “not right now”s as me just being shy

and all I can remember is how you thought you could fix that shyness by giving me experience but

all I can remember is the little confidence I did have being shattered instead

 

and all I remember is

the feel of your hands where I didn’t want them

my own trying to stop you from pulling my clothes off

my voice telling you I didn't feel too well

and all I remember

are the orange striped socks I was wearing, the only things you let me keep on

is my uncomfortable fake laugh

my mechanism to cope

all I remember is maybe that’s what made you treat my “I have to go home”s as a fun little joke

 

and all I can remember is the exact. moment. I stopped fighting it

and all I can remember is the exact moment. I gave up

and all I can remember is the exact moment I accepted it

and how empty I felt with you within me

and you putting your lips on me more and more, pushing yourself further and further against me, going deeper and harder and deeper and harder until there was blood

gnawing on my insides then, eating alive my whole being now

and all I remember is

 

the disgust I felt with myself

the disgust I felt with you

and all I can remember is the emptiness

all I can remember is the emptiness

all I can fucking feel is the emptiness

 

and all I can remember is that at least you used protection

but all I can promise you, is that a condom doesn’t protect from the pain