An apology Letter to My Body

 

Dear body,

I am sorry 

For once hating your small Asian eyes

And your mildly yellow skin color

because everyone around you was white

I should have been proud of my own heritage 

 

I know that mom taught you beauty

is defined by society

There is a certain way of

How we, as women, should behave

And conform is the only way

 

I am sorry

that I believed her​

for so many years 

I looked at you 

And saw nothing but flaws

 

I am sorry that I didn’t know how to nourish you

for starving you on purpose

gave you half an apple a day

 

I am sorry

that I put you through

eating disorder for so many years

for feeling guilty to eat

and for being scared not to eat
 

see, 

My mom ate from a plate

that was as small as your palms were

the more she shrank the prouder she became

so I thought

that's what a woman should be like

I learned 

to see a woman’s body 

through her eyes

 

I apologize

for letting the numbers on the scale to define your worth

and that I started to lie about your weight

before even having your period  

I thought a size zero was the only definition 

of beauty

The only way to exist 

as a woman 

 

I am sorry

That I tried to make you look attractive

Before understanding the reasons why 

A short skirt and lip gloss 

were the only ways to attract boys at age 9
 

I am Sorry

That you have been sexualized long before understanding

what being a female really means 

 

You are a human being 

Blood and flesh 

You are not born to please  

 

sorry

That I compared you 

with the models on front page magazines

And blamed you 

for not looking like them 

You should know

There is not a standard for beauty 

You can just be you

 

I am sorry

That I always wanted to change you

didn’t appreciate you

didn’t want to live inside of you. 

 

I am sorry that I unlearned all this too late

that I never thanked you

for being here for me

all this time

even when I tried to hurt you

You always took your time

To forgive me

and you never stopped holding me up

 

You are my body

Not someone else's property defined 

by the norms of society 

 

you are my body

You are sacred 

You are enough

And from now on

I am going to love you

 

Sincerely , 

Vanessa