Yes this is really me, really us

And I still have the graphic tees

And the white tube socks

And all the other things we never wear anymore

All the other things that collect dust in the closet

And although we finally came out of it

We still go back from time to time to try on an old shirt we forgot.

And yes I do

I cuff my pants almost every day

Any day my pants are long enough to cuff

And we still wear jeans a lot

Jeans are always in style

And cuffing them is easier than it looks

And I will show you someday

Or at least someone will

And neatness is overrated

You will have too many adjectives sewn to your name that being merely “neat”

will seem like a consolation prize you wouldn’t have stayed to receive.

 

And yes those are pizzas on my socks and today it was whales

and tomorrow it will be pickles and the next day I will wear rainbows

because life is too boring to not wear fun socks,

and this town is white enough without wearing it on your socks everyday.

But yes

Yes you still love pizza

We still love pizza and we know it’s not good for us,

but we also learned that sometimes it’s worth it.

And yes I dyed my hair

It was silver, but the dye has since faded

So now it’s just bleached

And bleached is ok

Bleach removes the stains of a past we both are better off forgetting.

And yes we diet

We have tried every diet we could find

Every diet they could find us

And it still never made us happy

But skinny does not mean happy no matter how much they tell you it does.

And if the only time you feel beautiful is when you feel hungry, then find a new beautiful.

But the answer is yes

He eventually stops hitting us

But not because he changes

He never really changes

But you learn better

You learn it’s better to stay away

And you stay away a lot.

And in some ways he loves you

And in some ways you love him

But far too often we love the poison that kills us.

And I suppose that makes us human.

 

But my dear sweet child

You didn’t do anything wrong

You never did anything wrong

And their hate for you isn’t a punishment for existing

it is a consequence of their own wretched lives.

And the realization that you could be better.

And I’m sorry that no one will be there to tell you all this

But some things we must learn on our own.

Like how to fall asleep

And wake up again the next morning

Or afternoon if you have to.

Sometimes we get more sleep now

But things get worse before they get better

And the nightmares take years to go away

And sometimes we still wake up in a pool of our own sweat and tears

But it’s ok.

The scars have faded away

The memories are less frequent guests

And I am no longer asleep anymore.

Though some things we will never forget.

 

Although I lived.

I lived because I knew you would want me to

I lived because I knew they wouldn’t want me to

And I’m so sorry

But we did try it again

And again

And again

And we got more creative

And we wrote longer notes

All of which to say sometimes it’s ok to fail at something.

And we still avoid ibuprofen

And we still say that we’re sorry

Though I’m still not quite sure what it is that we’re sorry for.

And I will not tell you all we will say

Or all we will write

But surprises aren’t always a bad thing.

And most of all I want you to know that the answer is yes

There are people who care

Maybe not those thought should care

But there are people who love you

People who care about you

And people who deserve your resilience.

 

Never apologize to me my dear

Swear if you need to swear

That is another lesson we teach ourself

But we never start liking girls

At least not in that way

And it’s ok

There’s a word for that

And a community

And plenty of people who will love you regardless.

Keep dreaming about other boys

And holding their hands

And kissing them hard

Because some dreams do come true

And when you’re holding his hand

and telling him you love him

Wait for his voice

to send shivers down your skin

Little bumps leading to your heart

But do not let him steal it

When he won’t say it back.

Keep liking who you like

And loving who you love

But do not stay with them if they cannot handle all that you intend to become.

You sweet child will become more than many men will ever be able to handle

But that’s not your fault

It’s theirs.

 

And we do learn to say no, just not soon enough.

And I still don’t know if they think of us.

But I know we still think of them.

And there are so many new memories to make both good and bad

And I’ll be honest with you

Sometimes we are lonely

Somedays when the room is dark

And the house is quiet

We are lonely

But not all the time

Not every day.

And we learn to live with lonely.

 

So many questions and I must be going, but yes.

We survived

We made it

We became the next America idol

And a mermaid

And all the things you ever dreamed you would be if it means you’ll hold on a little longer.

And we still know Jesus

He’s just not the man we thought he was

Or maybe he’s not the man they say he is

And I’m still a Christian I’m just not sure what that means for us yet.

But thank you for the compliments

And you’re going to do so many amazing things.

I just know it.

So it’s time to stop acting

And no more hiding.

 

I’m happy

And I’m listening

And I’m here, I promise

Just wait for me, a little bit longer.