Isn't it funny how sometimes
The fear doesn't come until the danger's already passed?
.
But then it hits you, all at once,
As if to try to make up for it
For letting it's guard down
For failing to protect you
.
Shocking your system into movement
From where you rested,
Quiet beneath the sand-
Rising to meet the Whale Fall
.
Usually, I love a dichotomy
.
Life and death interwoven,
Codependent,
The same coin spinning as it sinks
.
It's different when limbo is your own ribcage
Twitching, then buzzing, then teeming-
Growing as it disintegrates.
.
Changing form, but losing itself
Little by little
Swept away into the cold, dark current
.
Here you are,
Huddled in the skeleton of
What had felt like your Home, finally-
The dream of safety, stability, freedom
.
Gone before your eyes had time to adjust,
But not before they'd begun to make out
The angular silhouettes of dorsal fins
Melting out of inky blue
.
Before your heart rate could settle
On the shifting sands
Of the ocean floor you'd built it on
.
Before rows of bone could make their way to yours
Finally, staring into unseeing eyes and
Kicking off skyward with everything you had left
.
Ignoring the pain of decompression
As you ascended too quickly
.
But who would have chosen teeth instead?
Masquerading as mammals from below,
Mimicking their whistles
Insisting safety, family,
But you've seen their tails whipping side to side
.
Despite it all,
You made it
Enveloped by the vastness
Of open water.
.
And for a moment, despite the aching,
You thought you felt
Calmer,
Warmer,
Brighter.
.
Closer to the sun than you'd ever been.
.
But October caught you by the ankle.
Dragged you back downward
.
Driving 14 hours through the night,
Just in time to watch
Everything die
.
Carcass
All around-
So vivid, so striking
.
That feeling when the pain is so great,
Whatever's left of you beyond it
Can only stand there surprised.
There's no room for anything else,
So you escape into absurdity
.
Because without you, he'll fade
And you love him
You love him so much you'll choose the dark,
The crushing weight,
The teeth
Over and over again
.
Even when you can't
.
And isn't that the vessel you anchored yourself to
When you were small, and tired,
And could no longer keep up?
.
The caravan always moving too fast
For your little legs,
They never heard you begging
To stop,
To slow down
Even for a moment
.
So you did the only thing you could
.
Wrapping your arms around
And floating above yourself,
As you were dragged across the earth
.
Feeling too much,
And watching yourself decay
.
But at least they'll never know;
You're still here, enough-
A body to provide whatever it can't refuse
Because they love you
But not enough to care that you're drifting away
They've already grieved "you" once after all
.
And you stay because
It's who you are- the only real you.
And it hurts. It always hurts.
And you lose a little more each day.
.
After all, there's no such thing as perpetual motion.
Not in this place
Not in this universe
.
Even sharks have to sleep
.
Heads or tails,
It's only a matter of time
Until the coin
Comes to rest,
.
And you'll be gone from here.
So hold on to that steel lifeline.
.
Nothing lasts forever
.
Thank god, nothing lasts forever.